How To Be a Politician

hello my fellow Americans and other countrymen I'm beg flatly did you ever wonder how politicians become so successful I've determined the key factors to turn virtually anyone into a political Messiah now before we get started I have to tell you I really think you have what it takes to make it in politics and I don't say this to everybody you're like Jesus and Richard Nixon rolled into one and that's good real good before you go proposing to me that was just an example of the first method in politics you kiss as much ass as you can and you give the same compliments to everybody you come in contact with that way you only have to remember one set of responses to go with the compliments I mean it'll start off small by telling people that they're good-looking or smart but once you wrote the latter of it you'll be able to tell entire countries that you value their existence with a straight face Oh first let's talk about gestures it is a proven fact that's strong gestures lure unsuspecting strangers into thinking you're more capable than you actually are you'll have to try different ones out to see what works best for you but some of the more common ones are the reserved thumbs up not to do this just pretend like you've got some shit on your thumb from all that ass grabbing you've been doing you don't have a wife handy so you have to conceal it this is also pretty symbolic of all the shit you'll be concealing during your career the controlled karate chop now you're going to want to do anything to move up the ladder in politics so you kind of have to let people know you're cutthroat but you don't want to look reckless now the karate chop implies that your discipline but you always did chuck bitch in the throat if you add to the lip purse now this move makes it look like you're thinking of a good response so use it when you get a difficult question now in reality you're just going to be regurgitating the slop a team of writers constructs for you but if you look like you're thinking people will actually believe it they will have no idea that you're just focusing on pinching the fork and your tongue together before you open your mouth again oh now let's move on to statements now most of your career is going to consist of reading teleprompters contrary to popular belief only educational prerequisite to becoming a politician is that you can read but preferably at a second grade level so you don't miss pronounce the hard words like a new killer in jessup it there's only three statements that you actually need to memorize the be a success one I was not aware of that too let me look into that and three I did not have sexual relations with that woman or man less likely though go ahead and test it out these statements will get you out of anything hey Bob a couple of staff members saw that in turn going to your office after hours I was not aware of that well did you know she was in there were you in there let me look into that actually Bob I was just trying to see if you would admit it the security cameras caught everything so I did not have sexual relations with that woman pop we have a recording of it cleaners fucking babe do you want to see it let me look into it now this cycle can go on and on forever but usually people just lose interest and give up just like all the voters in this country oh and now for a speed round of bonus tips if you feel like you're just not climbing the ladder fast enough here are a few exercises you can do to boost your politician points if you haven't yet landed a job in a government establishment you can still practice your technique just go to a park and set up a collection bucket and bring a poster with possible renovations that could be made with the public's help once you've collected a shit ton of money throw a raging private party in the park at night but make sure they're not invite any of the people that donated money because you don't want those kind of suckers pooping up the party and could have made the park better by rebuilding it or you can make it fucking awesome with this kick-ass rager you never specified how you were gonna make it better so that makes it okay now always keep the cell phone handy just in case you run into a situation where it's imperative that you send an urgent dick pic you wouldn't want to miss that golden window of opportunity with the girls pretending that she actually likes that shit her attraction to you has absolutely nothing to do with the ocean of taxpayer money she's planning on siphoning out of your well-documented dick hole and now it is sometimes you just got to get a little wacky to get notice in this donkey elephant world if you're still not crushing your competition under your hooves fast enough you could always resort to smoking crack on camera people will actually feel like they can relate to you more and get the media involve you could like drum up publicity with extreme trap house makeover not only will you be high as fuck but so will the polls you really want to look like a politician log on to Beck's teeth calm and by the collectible shirt I designed specifically to get some interaction you're welcome

One Reply to “How To Be a Politician”

  1. Repeat incoherent responses to be a politician. Check! Explain your plans on creating jobs in this country. Well the thing about jobs is that we work to make money and money buys things we use. Therefore we need more things so buying is easier and then the people will want to get money to buy things. Jobs buy things.

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