Lawyers Ride To The Rescue After Passage Of Utah Pornography Law


WELCOME TO THE “LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. MAN, WINTER IS HERE.>>Jon: IT’S HERE.>>Stephen: EVERYBODY OKAY? EVERYBODY WARM ENOUGH?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: IT’S FREEZING. IT’S LIKE SIBERIA OUT THERE, AND
NOT JUST BECAUSE OUR NEW LEADER IS VLADIMIR PUTIN. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHICH — EVERYBODY’S SAYING THAT RUSSIA
HACKED OUR ELECTION, SO, TODAY, SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN HELD A
HEARING WITH THE HEADS OF THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY. MCCAIN MADE IT CLEAR THE PURPOSE
OF THE HEARING WAS TO INVESTIGATE CYBER SECURITY, AND
NOT TO, “QUESTION THE OUTCOME OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.” YES, NOBODY’S QUESTIONING THE
OUTCOME. JUST QUESTIONING WHY GOD LETS
BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GREAT NATIONS. WHAT DID WE DO?! WE’RE SORRY! WE’RE SORRY! ( APPLAUSE )
REPORTERS ASKED IF MCCAIN HAS SHARED HIS CONCERNS ABOUT RUSSIA
WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT.>>SENATOR MCCAIN, HAVE YOU
DETERMINED WHY THE PRESIDENT-ELECT DOESN’T SHARE
THE SAME CONCERNS ABOUT RUSSIA AS MANY REPUBLICANS LIKE
YOURSELF ON CAPITOL HILL?>>NO, I DON’T KNOW. I HAVEN’T TALKED TO HIM.>>Stephen: YEAH, HASN’T
CAULKED TO HIM. MCCAIN’S JUST CHAIRMAN OF THE
SENATE ARMED SERVICES COMMITTEE. TRUMP’S TALKING TO THE IMPORTANT
PEOPLE, LIKE SENATOR KANYE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: AND AT THE HEARING TODAY, EVERY HEAD OF THE U.S. INTELLIGENCE
AGENCIES TESTIFIED THAT RUSSIA WAS UNEQUIVOCALLY BEHIND THE
ELECTION HACK. BUT INSTEAD OF U.S. AGENCIES, UP
TILL NOW, TRUMP HAS BEEN TRUSTING WIKILEAKS FOUNDER AND
MIDDLE-AGED DRACO MALFOY, JULIAN ASSANGE. BUT THIS MORNING TRUMP TRIED TO
DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM ASSANGE, TWEETING, “THE DISHONEST MEDIA
LIKES SAYING THAT I AM IN AGREEMENT WITH JULIAN ASSANGE. WRONG. I SIMPLY STATE WHAT HE STATES,
IT IS FOR THE PEOPLE…” ( DEEP BREATH )
“…TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS AS TO THE TRUTH. THE MEDIA LIES TO MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE I AM AGAINST ‘INTELLIGENCE’ WHEN IN FACT I AM A BIG FAN!”
YES, BIG FAN! SUPER FAN! SUPER FAN! YES, DONALD TRUMP LOVES
INTELLIGENCE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, “IF
YOU LOVE SOMETHING, LET IT GO.” ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S TRUE LEADERSHIP. I JUST TYPE ANY CLAIM YOU HEAR
AND LET PEOPLE DECIDE WHAT’S TRUE: “BILLY TOLD ME IF A BOY
AND A GIRL TOUCH BUTTS, THE GIRL GETS PREGNANT. TRUE? YOU DECIDE! SAD!”
( LAUGHTER )>>Jon: OH, OH.>>Stephen: NOT TRUE. THAT’S NOT TRUE, JON. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. YOU’VE GOT TO SHAKE HANDS, TOO. OR DO CIRCLE DOT COOTIE SHOT,
YOU’RE FINE.>>Jon: I THOUGHT IT WAS THE
STORK THAT COMES OUT.>>Stephen: YOU BELIEVE THE
STORK THING?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: NO, THEY’RE
EXTINCT.>>Jon: WOW.>>Stephen: IT’S SAD. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT WHERE WERE WE? OH, TRUMP. BUT HERE’S WHAT’S ALSO WEIRD
ABOUT TRUMP’S ASSANGE TWEET. HE TWEETED THE FIRST PART OF
THIS SENTENCE AT 8:25 A.M., BUT FINISHED THE THOUGHT 20 MINUTES
LATER. ( LAUGHTER )
HOW CAN HE HAVE PLAN FOR AMERICA WHEN HE DOESN’T HAVE A PLAN FOR
THE END OF THE SENTENCE? MR. TRUMP, IT’S TIME TO GET OFF
TWITTER AND STOP BEING SUCH A WHINY MOTHER… I’LL FINISH THAT WORD IN ABOUT
TWENTY MINUTES. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ♪
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THE HACKING OF OUR DEMOCRACY, LET’S GET TO THE
BIG NEWS. FORMER AMERICAN IDOL RUNNER-UP,
BO BICE, SAYS HE WAS CALLED “WHITE BOY” AT POPEYE’S. THAT IS SHOCKING. THE ONLY APPROPRIATE TIME TO
CALL SOMEONE “WHITE BOY” IS WHEN YOU’RE INSTRUCTING THEM TO PLAY
THAT FUNKY MUSIC. (“PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC”)
♪ THAT’S AS FUNKY AS I CAN GET. I CAN FUNK ONE WORD — HEY!>>Jon: YEAH!>>Stephen: REALLY GOOD SONG. BASED ON A TRUE STORY. ( LAUGHTER )
APPARENTLY, BICE WAS IN THE ATLANTA AIRPORT WAITING FOR HIS
ORDER AT POPEYE’S — I’M GOING TO SAY “BUTTERFLY SHRIMP
TACKLEBOX”– WHEN, ACCORDING TO BICE, “THE THREE LADIES BEHIND
THE COUNTER ASKED WHOSE FOOD IT WAS. JUST WHEN I TURNED AROUND, ONE
OF THEM SAID ‘THAT WHITE BOY.’ IF TABLES HAD BEEN TURNED AND I
USED SOMETHING AS INSENSITIVE LIKE THAT, I WOULD BE BOYCOTTED. PEOPLE WOULDN’T BUY MY ALBUMS.” AND I DON’T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE
A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE DON’T BUY BO BICE ALBUMS. ( LAUGHTER )
NO! BICE IS UPSET, BUT IT’S HARD TO
TELL.>>AND THE FACT THAT I’VE GOT TO
SIT ON TV AND COME DOWN A NOTCH AND LOOK LIKE A PETTY LITTLE
BRAT BY TWEETING AND FACEBOOKING THIS JUST TO OPEN UP DIALOG SO
WE CAN HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION IS RIDICULOUS —
AND AMERICA, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.>>STEPHEN: YEAH, AMERICA. ( LAUGHTER )
ALL OF YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF WHAT THREE WOMEN WORKING AT
POPEYE’S DID. HOW DARE ALL OF YOU FORCE BO
BICE TO LOOK LIKE A PETTY LITTLE BRAT BY TWEETING AND FACEBOOKING
AND GOING ON TV TO CRY! I MEAN, WHAT OTHER CHOICE DID HE
HAVE? NOT BE ON TV? NO! YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE’S WHAT UPSETS ME MOST —
YOU PEOPLE AT POPEYE’S SHOULD KNOW HIS NAME. THAT’S BO BICE. YOU’RE AT A POPEYE’S. YOU SHOULD CALL HIM SOMETHING
FUN LIKE “RED BEANS AND BICE!” OR “BO BISCUITS!” OR “THE
AMERICAN FRY-DOL!” NOW, I AM WHITE AND I AM A BOY. I’M ABOUT THE WHITEST BOY YOU’RE
EVER GOING TO MEET. JOHN, HAVE YOU MET ANYBODY
WHITER THAN ME?>>Jon: YEAH, I THINK I KNOW
SOMEBODY.>>Stephen: WHO?>>Jon: A GUY I GREW UP WITH.>>Stephen: WHAT’S HIS NAME.>>Jon: ANDY.>>Stephen: YOU KNOW ANDY,
THAT WHITE GUY?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: WE MEET AT THE
WHITE MEETING. YEAH, I KNOW ANDY. ( LAUGHTER )
I JUST WANT TO SAY, POPEYE’S, CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT —
WHITE BOY, NINO BLANCO, COMMANDER MAYONNAISE — WHATEVER
— ANDY — JUST WHENEVER MY ORDER IS READY, GET THE
BUTTERFLY SHRIMP INTO THE CHEW HOLE! ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHITE BOYS, UTAH. ANY UTAH FANS HERE? ( ONE OR TWO CHEERING )
>>Stephen: THAT’S ABOUT RIGHT. ARE THERE ANY PORN FANS HERE? ( CHEERING )
WELL, BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE UTAH STATE SENATOR TODD WEILER
HAS ANNOUNCED A BILL THAT WILL GIVE PEOPLE THE ABILITY TO SUE
PORNOGRAPHERS, IN AN ATTEMPT TO PROVE THAT WATCHING THEIR
PRODUCT CAUSES EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE. FINALLY, IT’S WELL-KNOWN THAT
PORN CAUSES PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE. MOSTLY FOR THE PIZZA DELIVERY
GUY, WHO JUST WANTS TO DO HIS JOB AND DELIVER THE PIE. LADIES, FOR THE LAST TIME, IT’S
NOT A EUPHEMISM — EXTRA SAUSAGE IS JUST A TOPPING! SENATOR WEILER SAYS THE PORN
INDUSTRY IS A PUBLIC MENACE AND SHOULD BE OPEN TO LAWSUITS
BECAUSE, RIGHT NOW, PORN IS AVAILABLE WITHOUT ANY WARNINGS
AND LABELING. IT’S TRUE. IT IS TIME TO LABEL PORN! HOW ELSE WILL PEOPLE FIND
“MATURE REDHEADS ON FARM EQUIPMENT,” OR “SEXY LADY
BLACKSMITHS?” POINT IS, IF THIS BILL PASSES,
PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO SUE THE PORN INDUSTRY FOR DAMAGES, AND
LAWYERS ARE ALREADY STANDING BY TO HELP. I SAW THIS AD TODAY. LET ME SEE IF I’VE STILL GOT IT
ON THE OLD T BILL.>>HI THERE. HAS THIS HAPPENED THE TO YOU? YOU’RE ENJOYING A CLASSIC FILM
ABOUT SORORITY SLUT HOUSE ONLY FOR IT TO TURN OUT THE TO BE
PORN AND YOU SUFFER EMOTIONAL TRAUMA?>>WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE
SOMETIMES THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY. YOU NEED TO CALL GALINO AND
FARNS. OUR TRIAL ATTORNEYS ARE TRAINED
TO DEAL WITH ALL TYPES OF PORNOGRAPHY. INCLUDING THERMAL INVERSION.>>THE SCORPIONS REUNION TOUR. BIG BANG THEORY. GIRL ON GIRL. UY. DUCK ON HORSE. MUSTARD ON HOT DOG. AND OF COURSE, MALCOLM IN THE
MIDDLE. SO PICK UP THE PHONE WITH YOUR
FREE HAND, DON’T MASTER WAIT. CALL TODAY! ♪ PORNOGRAPHY ATTORNEYS ♪
♪ 1-800-69 ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR TONIGHT. ADAM DRIVER IS HERE! SO STICK AROUND.

100 Replies to “Lawyers Ride To The Rescue After Passage Of Utah Pornography Law

  1. when he said " winter is here" i just thought of Game of thrones. after 7 seasons fucking winter is here

  2. does that mean i can sue deviantart vore/inflation fetish artists for ruining my childhood because it is emotional trauma?

  3. Actually, porn addiction has been linked to ED, as well as a-moral tendencies. Of course, smartphones have similar issues. Basically, if something is too easy, and is easy for u to remain emotionally detached, it can screw up your brain.

  4. I actually agree that Bo Bice was correct in his anger. It is wrong for someone to call another person by nothing but their skin color.

  5. I think the idea behind the pornography thing was that parents can sue if their children see something traumatizing.

  6. Donald Trump is a dictator disguised as an idiot to throw people off the scent, he could literally blow up a country an you all would still laugh cause you think he is an idiot but who is the bigger idiot then, him or you laughing at him fuck shit up!!

  7. Funny, 6 months on and the Russiagate story is disintegrating, e.g. NYT retracting their claim that all 17 US intelligence agencies came to the conclusion that "Russia did it". Kind of exposes Colbert as nothing more than a neo/liberal puppet.

  8. Hey, c'mon, be fair! In the 20 minutes between tweet 1/2 and tweet 2/2, the poop came on strong. Ya can't tweet when you're butt-clenching.

  9. lol I get some of where he's coming from, but it ain't that big a deal. Something like "this man" or "this gentleman" woulda been a lot better but that white guy isn't crazy

  10. White boy's not a derogatory thing, right? Because it's not bad to be white, like it's not bad to be black. You wouldn't freak out if someone called you 'that blonde girl', would you (if you are a blonde girl)? It depends on the context and whether there were negative connotations attached to the statement. But on it's own I think it's fine.

  11. I've been called "white boy" in a way that really hurt, and also in a way that felt like a term of endearment. It all depends on the intent.

  12. Y'know, if somebody calls me white, I might be confused as for the randomness, but otherwise who cares? However, if somebody takes offense and seems to think that 'white' is an insult, then really, shouldn't I feel insulted that he thinks 'white' is something bad and insulting? 😉
    Keep on twittering, girls, I've got a bone to pick with that 'white boy'

  13. "American Idol runner-up Bo Bice says he was called white boy at Popeye's"

    There is a sentence that truly deserves a "you can't make this stuff up."

  14. Why didn’t you say the “dot dot dot”???? My heart truly hurts.

    What’s next? Imaginary props aren’t going to need to be put away?

  15. Soo bo bice got angry 3 ladies from Atlanta called him that white boy…… Should we ask Trump to call director Putin "Russian dressing on the side" and see the fun. Trump might get fired

  16. I love you Stephen but i have to go with Bo on this one. His logic is sound. Id lose my job instantly after saying that black boy." You went full left Colbert..never go full left.

  17. Normally I love Colbert, but honestly, there's no situation where someone should refer to another person with a blanket statement about their race. If it's not right going one way, it's not right going the other way.

  18. Utah sucks. Even the Utah arch killed itself to get away from this state. Unless you love breathing smog this state doesn't have much to offer.

  19. The Brits used to be considered prudish by most of Europe and the world because they had ridiculous pornography laws.
    How can America be moving forward from the war on drugs and legitimizing gay marriage, and at the same time going backwards on race and sexual expression.
    Death to America.

  20. I literally got called the bastard son of Casper the Ghost by someone online and now we’re best friends on snapchat

  21. I can understand why someone would rather not be called "white boy". It's not a big deal to me personally, but I can understand the sentiment. But crying over it? Grow the fuck up, seriously. Black people have been demeaned and insulted for their skin color for literally centuries. Take a page from their book, and get over it.

  22. Yeah, Bo Bice had a point, but he cremated it with his whiny defense. If the situation were reversed, there would be outrage at someone saying "that black guy." Referring to him as "that white guy" is at the very least, an unacceptable way for a restaurant employee to treat a customer. She was wrong, but his reaction obliterated that fact.

  23. If you want to label/rate porn, fine, but lawsuits for emotional pain is IDIOTIC. If this dumbass bill passes, your courts are going to be logged back so far, from people just trying to scam money. Some people are so stupid. They're trying to reopen the people versus Larry Flynt, because they know that this conservative, corrupt Supreme Court (a president who got help from a foreign country should not be able to put people in lifelong positions) would have found against Larry Flynt, incorrectly.

  24. Oh my god people, take responsibility for your actions. If it affects you, dont watch it!

  25. 🤔 THIS aged very well!
    🙁🤭😁🤣GOP?! Crickets.
    🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🤫
    #DRUMPFCULTMEMBERS 🤦🏽‍♂️🇺🇸

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