Stephen Colbert's LIVE Monologue Following Democratic Debate #2



WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE,
OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. WE ARE COMING TO YOU LIVE. COMING TO YOU LIVE AFTER
TONIGHT'S DEMOCRATIC DEBATE. TONIGHT WE SAW CLASH OF THE BIG
B's, BIDEN, BERNIE, BUTTIGIEG, BICKEN-BLOOPER. ( LAUGHTER )
COMING INTO THE EVENING, JOE BIDEN HAD A BIG LEAD IN ALL THE
POLLS, AND TO CELEBRATE, HIS SUPPORTERS HANDED OUT FREE ICE
CREAM THEY CALLED JOE CONES. A JOE CONE IS ALSO WHAT BIDEN
WEARS TO MAKE SURE HE RESPECTS PERSONAL SPACE THESE DAYS. JUST FOR SAFETY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A RESPONSE. >> Jon: OH, MY. >> Stephen: BUT TONIGHT THE
JOE CONE WAS MET BY THE KAMALA HARRIS FLAME THROWER. ( CHEERING )
OH, YOU WATCHED IT. YES. HE HAD THE JOE CONE, BUT SHE
MADE JOE SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM HOLY COW SHE MIGHT BE
PRESIDENT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AS A FORMER PROSECUTOR, HARRIS
FOUND EVERYONE ELSE ON THAT STAGE GUILTY OF BEINGLESS
INTERESTING AND SENTENCED THEM OF TWO HOURS OF BEING HER PASTY
BACKGROUND SINGERS. IT ALL STARTED OUT INNOCENTLY
ENOUGH FOR THE VICE PRESIDENT WHEN HE GOT A QUESTION ABOUT
REASSURING WALL STREET THAT NOTHING WOULD CHANGE, AND HE
CRANKED THE FOLKSY KNOB UP TO 11. >> WHAT I MEANT BY THAT IS,
LOOK, DONALD TRUMP THINKS WALL STREET BUILT AMERICA. ORDINARY MIDDLE CLASS AMERICANS
BUILT AMERICA. MY DAD USED TO HAVE AN
EXPRESSION — >> Stephen: HE USED TO SAY,
SON, THE VIKINGS ARE COMING FOR ALL OF US AND WILL END THIS
VILLAGE. IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. TAKE YOUR MOTHER AND SISTER AND
GET TO THE CAVES! ( LAUGHTER )
KAMALA HARRIS STARTED BY BITING THE HEAD OFF THIS QUESTION —
>> DO YOU THINK DEMOCRATS HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO EXPLAIN HOW
THEY WILL PAY FOR EVERY PROPOSAL THEY WILL MAKE ALONG THOSE
LINES? >> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I
HEAR THAT QUESTION, BUT WHERE WAS THAT QUESTION WHEN THE
REPUBLICANS AND DONALD TRUMP PASSED A TAX BILL THAT BENEFITS
THE TOP 1% AND THE BIGGEST CORPORATIONS IN THIS COUNTRY? >> Stephen: AND WHERE ARE THE
QUESTIONS BE WHEN I BREAK OUT THE LOUISVILLE SLUGGER AND THE
OVAL OF PAIN BECAUSE AFTER I SNAP HIM LIKE A BREAD STICK
THERE WILL BE NO MORE QUESTIONS! NEXT QUESTION. ( APPLAUSE )
I BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING. TONIGHT KAMALA HARRIS WAS — ON
FIRE! ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK AT BERNIE'S FACE WHILE GIVING THAT ANSWER. HE'S LITERALLY LICKING HIS LIPS. "SHE JUST TOOK THE TOP TEN% OF
THE BEST 40% OF WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. IT'S NOT FAIR!"
( LAUGHTER ) BERNIE ALSO WENT OF THE
PRESIDENT. >> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
UNDERSTAND THAT TRUMP IS A PHONY, THAT TRUMP IS A
PATHOLOGICAL LIAR AND A RACIST —
>> Stephen: OH, THEY UNDERSTAND IT, SIR. THAT'S THExD REASONÑi WHY SOME O
THEM VOTED FOR HIM. ( LAUGHTER )
AND HE BERNIEED ON. >> THAT'S HOW WE BEAT TRUMP, WE
EXPOSE HIM FOR THE FRAUD THAT HE IS. >> Stephen: NOT SURE IF WE
NEED TO DO THAT, SENATOR. TRUMP ALREADY HAS A LONG HISTORY
OF EXPOSING HIMSELF. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SENATOR MICHAEL BENNETT SEEMED
SURPRISED WHEN A QUESTION WAS DIRECTED HIS WAY. >> SENATOR BENNETT —
( APPLAUSE ) — YOU HAVE SAID, IT IS POSSIBLE
TO WRITE POLICY PROPOSALS THAT HAVE NO BASIS IN REALITY, YOU
MIGHT AS WELL CALL THEM CANDY. WERE YOU REFERRING TO ANY
CANDIDATE OR PROPOSAL WHEN YOU SAID THAT? >> WAS THAT DIRECTED AT ME? >> Stephen: AM I SUPPOSED TO
TALK? AM I ON CAMERA? BECAUSE I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR
THE SALAD BAR. I'M SORRY. THIS SEEMS VERY NICE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN HE ESPAÑOLED AGAIN. ( SPEAKING SPANISH )
>> Stephen: WOW! I KNEW BUTTIGIEG SPOKE NORWEGIAN
BUT HAD NO IDEA HE SPOKE BETO O'ROURKE! ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S FANTASTIC. MUCHAS GRACIAS. >> Jon: MUCHAS GRACIAS. >> Stephen: ANDREW YANG IS
RUNNING ON A PROPOSAL FOR UNIVERSAL INCOME BUT I'M NOT
SURE IF HE KNOWS THAT. >> MR. YANG, YOUR SIGNATURE
POLICY IS TO GIVE EVERY ADULT IN THE UNITED STATES $1,000 A
MONTH, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. >> THAT'S RIGHT. I THINK THAT'S LIKE
$3.2 TRILLION A YEAR. HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT? >> SORRY? ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: UH, UM… UH… WITH SCRATCHERS? WITH SCRATCHERS? ( LAUGHTER )
I'M SORRY — I WAS JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER WHERE I LEFT MY TIE. I HAD ONE WHEN I WALKED IN HERE. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN CONGRESSMAN ER ERIC SWALWEL SHOWED HOW TOUGH HE WAS BY
THROWING A PUNCH AT AN OLD MAN. >> I WAS SIX YEARS OLD WHEN A
CANDIDATE CAME TO THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION AND SAID IT'S TIME TO
PASS THE TORCH TO A NEW GENERATION OF AMERICANS. THAT CANDIDATE WAS THEN SENATOR
JOE BIDEN. >> Stephen: OH, SNAP! +&CI THINK
THAT TORCH BECAUSE THAT WAS A SICK BIRD! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN HAD A COMEBACK. >> VICE PRESIDENT, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SING A TORCH SONG? >> I WOULD. ( LAUGHTER )
I'M STILL HOLDING ON TO THAT TORCH. >> Stephen: YES, I'M STILL
HOLDING ON TO THAT TORCH WHICH IS WHY MY SLOGAN IS BIDEN 2020,
GIVE ME AN INVITATION, I WILL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! DO NOT MESS WITH ME! YOU WHIPPER SNAPPER! COME ON! I'LL GIVE YOU THE JACK JOHNSONS! YOU LITTLE SHAVER! ( LAUGHTER )
AT ONE POINT, EVERY CANDIDATE WAS TALKING OVER EVERY OTHER
CANDIDATE ABOUT SOMETHING I CAN'T REMEMBER OTHER THAN HOW
KAMALA HARRIS PUT AN END TO IT ( TALKING AT THE SAME TIME )
>> GUYS, AMERICA DOES NOT WANT TO WITNESS A FOOD FIGHT. THEY WANT TO KNOW HOW WE'RE
GOING TO PUT FOOD ON THEIR TABLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OH! OH! YEAH, YEAH. SHE HAD THAT LINE READY. YEAH, SHE HAD THAT IN SOME
TUPPERWARE. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) FINALLY, SELF-HELP GURU MARIANNE
WILLIAMSON HAD HER OWN PRESCRIPTION FOR BEATING TRUMP. >> I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, IT'S
REALLY NICE WE'VE GOT ALL THESE PLANS BUT IF YOU THINK WE'RE
GOING TO BEAT DONALD TRUMP BY JUST HAVING ALL THESE PLANS, YOU
HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WIN BY SAYING
HE HAD A PLAN, HE WON SIMPLY BAY SAYING MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. WE HAVE TO GET DEEPER THAN THESE
SUPERFICIAL FIXES. >> WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER THAN THE
SUPERFICIAL CAREFULLY THOUGHT OUT POLITICAL POLICIES. ANYONE TRIED FIXING AMERICA WITH
CRYSTALS AND BEE POLLEN, YOGA? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WATCH OUT! WATCH YOURSELF THERE. >> Stephen: JOHN HICKENLOOPER
WAS ASKED A CLASSIC DEBATE QUESTION. >> JOHN HICKENLOOPER, DAY ONE,
IF YOU ARE — ( APPLAUSE )
— DAY ONE AT THE WHITE HOUSE, HOW DO YOU RESPOND WITH —
>> Stephen: WH-WH-WHAT THE WOULD I DO ON DAY ONE OF THE
WHITE HOUSE? WELL, I WOULD CONGRATULATE
WHOEVER WON THE ELECTION BECAUSE I SHOULD NOT BE UP HERE. ( PIANO RIFF )
JUST, UH — ( APPLAUSE )
ONCE AGAIN, SELF-HELP GURU MARIANNE WILLIAMSON HAD A MORE
HOLISTIC APPROACH TO IMMIGRATION. >> WHAT PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS DONE
IS NOT ONLY ATTACK THESE CHILDREN, NOT ONLY DEMONIZE
THESE IMMIGRANTS, HE IS ATTACKING A BASIC PRINCIPLE OF
AMERICA'S MORAL CORE. WE OPEN OUR HEARTS TO THE
STRANGER. >> Stephen: AT LEAST I HOPE SO
BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE HELL I AM. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) MAYOR PETE FOCUSED ON HIS FAITH. >> WE'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT ONE
OTHER THING BECAUSE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY LIKES TO CLOAK
ITSELF IN THE LANGUAGE OF RELIGION. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW,
MAYOR, IT'S LESS OF A CLOAK NOWADAYS AND MORE OF A SHEET. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Jon: MMM… >> Stephen: HALFWAY —
( LAUGHTER ) HALFWAY THROUGH, THERE WAS A
PERSONNEL SWITCH WITH RACHEL MADDOW PLAYING THE PART OF
LESTER HOLT AND CHUCK TODD PLAYING THE PART OF A GUY WHO
REALLY LIKES THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE. WHEN DISCUSSION TURNS TO RACISM,
A LOT OF THE WHITE FOLKS ON STAGE HAD OPINIONS, BUT KAMALA
HARRIS HAD EXPERIENCE. >> WE'RE GOING TO GET TO YOU. HANG ON. >> — ON STAGE, I WOULD LIKE TO
SPEAK ON THE ISSUE OF RAINS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> SENATOR HARRIS — WHAT I WILL SAY IS —
— WE'LL GIVE YOU 30 SECONDS SINCE WE'RE GOING TO COME BACK
TO YOU ON THIS AGAIN IN A MOMENT. GO FOR 30 SECONDS. >> Stephen: SO FOR 30 SECONDS
TO SUM UP INSTITUTIONALIZED RACISM THAT'S BEEN PLAGUING OUR
COUNTRY SINCE ITS INCEPTION, GO! >> I DIRECT THIS TO
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN. I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU ARE A
RACIST, AND I AGREE WITH YOU WHEN YOU COMMIT YOURSELF TO THE
IMPORTANCE OF FINDING COMMON GROUND, BUT I ALSO BELIEVE —
AND IT IS PERSONAL, AND I WAS ACTUALLY — IT WAS HURTFUL TO
HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT THE REPUTATIONS OF TWO UNITED STATES
SENATORS WHO BUILT THEIR REPUTATIONS AND CAREER ON THE
SEGREGATION OF RACE IN THIS COUNTRY, AND IT WAS NOT ONLY
THAT BUT YOU ALSO WORKED WITH THEM TO OPPOSE BUSING. THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL IN
CALIFORNIA WHO WAS PART OF THE SECOND CLASS TO INTEGRATE HER
PUBLIC SCHOOLS, AND SHE WAS BUSSED TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY, AND
THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS ME. >> Stephen: I BELIEVE HARRIS
ON BUSING BECAUSE SHE CLEARLY JUST TOOK BIDEN TO SCHOOL. ( APPLAUSE )
HARRIS, A VERY EMOTIONAL MOMENT. >> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: ANDUJARRIES DID
NOT LET UP. >> BUT, VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, DO
YOU AGREE TODAY — DO YOU AGREE TODAY THAT YOU WERE WRONG TO
OPPOSE BUSING IN AMERICA THEN? >> NO. DO YOU AGREE? I DID NOT OPPOSE BUSING IN
AMERICA. WHAT I OPPOSED WAS BUSING
ORDERED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION. THAT'S WHAT I OPPOSED. >> WELL, THERE'S A FAILURE OF
STATES TO INTEGRATE PUBLIC SCHOOLS IN AMERICA. I WAS PART OF THE SECOND CLASS
TO INTEGRATE BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA PUBLIC SCHOOLS ALMOST
TWO DECADES AFTER BROWN V BOARD OF EDUCATION. >> BECAUSE YOUR CITY COUNCIL
MADE THE DECISION. IT WAS A LOCAL DECISION. >> AND THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
HAD TO STEP IN.S >> Stephen: I HOPE THEY TOOK
DENTAL PHOTOGRAPHS OF BIDEN BEFORE THE DEBATE BECAUSE THEY
WILL NEED A REFERENCE TO PUT HIS TEETH BACK IN. ( APPLAUSE )
THEN HARRIS TURNED HER FIRE FROM BIDEN TO TRUMP. >> THE FACT THAT WE HAVE A
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WHO HAS EMBRACED SCIENCE FICTION
OVER SCIENCE FACT WILL BE TO OUR COLLECTIVE PERIL. >> Stephen: WELL, OF COURSE,
TRUMP EMBRACES SCIENCE FICTION — I'M PRETTY SURE HIS
HAIR WAS SHAVED OFF OF WOOKIEE'S ASS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANDUJARRIES SPOKE OF HER PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH
WILDFIRES IN CALIFORNIA. >> I SPOKE WITH FIREFIGHTERS WHO
WERE IN THE MIDST OF FIGHT AGO FIRE WHILE THEIR OWN HOMES WERE
BURNING. >> Stephen: AND THEY SAID TO
ME, NOW IS NOT A GREAT TIME, SENATOR, COULD WE TALK A LITTLE
LATER? ( APPLAUSE )
THEN, CHUCK TODD TRIED DESPERATELY TO TAKE CONTROL OF
THE DEBATE. >> BEFORE WE GO, I'M GOING TO GO
DOWN THE LINE HERE AND I'M ASKING YOU PLEASE FOR ONE OR TWO
WORDS ONLY, ALL RIGHT? PLEASE. >> Stephen: UH — BITE ME,
CHUCK? OH, SORRY. THAT'S THREE. APOLOGIZE. THEN THEY HAD ANOTHER TECHNICAL
DIFFICULTY. >> WE'RE GOING TO CONTINUE THE
QUESTIONING NOW WITH LESTER IN THE AUDIENCE. WE ARE? WE ARE, IN A SECOND, GOING TO
HAVE A QUESTION FROM LESTER IN THE AUDIENCE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES. CHUCK TODD TRIED ONCE AGAIN TO
DO ONE OF HIS NEVER SUCCESSFUL JUST ONE-WORD ANSWER QUESTIONS,
BUT HE GOT PRETTY UPSET WHEN PEOPLE TRIED TO ACTUALLY GIVE A
SUBSTANTIAL ANSWER. >> IT'S A PERFECT TIME FOR ME TO
DO ANOTHER ONE OF THESE DOWN THE LINE. WHAT IS THE FIRST RELATIONSHIP
YOU LIKE TO RESET AS PRESIDENT? I'M GOING TO GO DOWN THE LINE —
I'M TRYING TO GET ONE OR TWO WORDS HERE. >> Stephen: AND PLEASE DON'T
TALK TOO MUCH, OKAY? YOU'RE NOT CHUCK TODD, I AM! ZIP IT! ZIP IT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND WHEN IT CAME TO CLOSING STATEMENTS, MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
HAD THE PLAN TO HEAL THE COUNTRY. >> I'M GOING TO HARNESS LOVE FOR
POLITICAL PURPOSES. >> Stephen: AND ANYONE CURIOUS
WHAT SHE MEANS BY HARNESSING LOVE, DO NOT GOOGLE LOVE
HARNESS, IT'S SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT. PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND KAMALA HARRIS SUMMED IT ALL
UP WITH HER CLOSING STATEMENT — >> THANK YOU ALL. I JUST WANT TO LEAVE YOU WITH A
COUPLE OF THINGS. >> Stephen: JOE BIDEN'S BALLS.

47 Replies to “Stephen Colbert's LIVE Monologue Following Democratic Debate #2

  1. Biden is out of touch. Bernie can’t be sold to the centrists. Harris is a politician. But, Buttigieg is white Obama. Hopefully the dems will see that before it’s too late.

  2. Yep.Abortion is a funny topic Kinda like your Ear Degenerate.What your ear get ground up by your MOM'S DIRTY ASS.Is that funny?

  3. I"m still trying to unsee Trump in his whitie-tighties when he dove into his gold caddy to avoid the press. Is it possible to have Presidential PTSD?

  4. Why is any one still watching this lame format in 2019? Letterman was a long time ago. It is so dated it is almost like music hall. Really I just watch this and Kimmel to find out what my parents generation are watching.

  5. He didn’t do Andrew Yang justice but the rest was pretty accurate 🧔🏽😂 But am I the only one who’s not head over heels for Harris I mean she makes some good points and did well on that stage but I‘m still not crazy for her…

  6. YANG trying to reinvent social security (seniors) and SSI (disabled). Just let able bodied people WORK. ($15 per hour). What a concept! And if that's not enough, work a 2nd job.

  7. Debates are not valid. The only way they would be is if debate coaches ran them. Anyone who deflects or attacks others has their mic turned off until the next question.

  8. Can we please remember that The Late Show is not for information but for entertainment? Maybe that segment favored Harris but if you want a fair and neutral representation then watch the frickin debates. The only agenda CBS has, is to get good ratings. So stop taking this so serious. It's fun. And it's not Colberts job to inform you about who to vote. That's what the debates are for. His job is to make you laugh and that he does excellently.

  9. Oh please, Ms Harris! Was that quivering voice routine the debate equivalent of turning on the waterworks to get your own way? Women demean themselves so much when they do that. That little girls was me (sob). Pathetic!

  10. Actually people DO know who Marianne Williamson is, have you been living under a rock? Get it together Stephen.

  11. If you really want someone who isn't going to b*llshIt his way into the White House, Bernie is your only choice. Warren comes in second but her foreign policy is no better than any other mainstream democrat.
    America needs to become what it has always claimed to be.

  12. Elizabeth Borin' – there, a nickname for Trump to give.
    But you're right, it's much too clever for him to use -_-

  13. Ew Copalla Harris gonna arrest mexicans for being mexican again, replacing black people with mexicans aint progressive

  14. I miss the old stven colbert when he pretended to be a republican on the colbert report. it was funnier than this.

  15. Don't be fooled by Kamala. She is a corporate sell out. When she was Attorney General of California she protected the banks instead of prosecuting them for illegally taking people properties. Instead she prosecuted homeless women for not being able to get their children to school regularly enough. She is not the person we want as president. Just take a look at where she gets her campaign money from.

  16. Damn corporate media is really pushing for Kamala Harris. If you’re supporting her because you think she’s progressive, I urge you to look into her record. Spoiler: it’s not good.

  17. As should be done in Canada, the US should stop the "corporate welfare payouts and schemes"…..That's how things will be paid for.

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