Jennifer Lawrence Plays “Movie Review or Wine Review?” // Omaze


Hey, you! You wanna help stop political corruption in America and drink a ton of wine? Well, you’ve come to the right video. I’m here to give you and a guest a chance to come wine tasting with me in California to benefit Represent.Us. It’ll be great. We’ll hang out, we’ll drink some wine, talk politics, drink wine. Maybe we’ll call your ex. Maybe we’ll call my ex. Who knows? The point is we’ll have fun. And I know what you’re thinking: Jen, why would I go wine tasting with you? You probably can’t even tell the difference between a review of a great wine and a review of one of your movies. Well, that’s rude and weirdly really specific. And I’m not just gonna play a game to prove to you that I know the difference between a wine review and a movie— Okay. I guess we’re gonna do this. I’m reading it. “Full-bodied, strongly grounded, simply sensational.” I hope that’s about a Cabernet and not my breasts. [buzzer] No? It wasn’t about a… Somebody called me full-bodied? It’s a movie review about Joy. I guess that’s nice. Alright. I think I like this one. “Classy and generous while remaining elegant and subtle.” Me! [buzzer] I’m a little relieved. If it had dinged, I would’ve seemed like a real jackass. Wine review: Domaine Leroy Chamer- They spelled all these wines wrong. “Majestic and intense without being loud.” That’s definitely not me. I’d say that’s a Sauvignon. [ding] I’m an alcoholic. [laughs] “Doesn’t hold up to sober scrutiny.” Yikes. Passengers? [ding] American Hustle? Well. “Rude, dirty, funny, foul-mouthed, sloppy…” “Sexy.” Is it me? [ding] It is me! It’s me in Silver Linings. Oh, good. So it was like me, you know, 2,500 years ago before I started aging like a president. Okay, last one here. Let’s take a look. It says, “To enter go to omaze.com/jen.” I guess that’s not a review of anything. I guess the game’s over. [ding] Are you serious? Anyway, the best part of this whole thing is that every entry supports Represent.Us, a grassroots campaign that brings together people from across the political spectrum to pass anti-corruption laws and fix our broken elections. Enter now and I’ll see you in wine country. I’m gonna read a few more of my reviews. “I love Stanley Tucci’s teeth.” Movie review: Hunger Games: Catching Fire. That was a review? Do you have to get a license to give reviews? Can I give movie reviews? That’s ridiculous.

President Trump: “I Like To Obey The Law”


>>WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE
LATE SHOW. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S JUST OUR SECOND SHOW OF 2020. AND SO FAR, WE’RE NOT DOING TOO
WELL ON THE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION OF “DON’T GO TO WAR
WE’VE BEEN WAITING ON PINS AND NEEDLES TO SEE HOW IRAN WOULD
RESPOND. IT’S LIKE OUR COUNTRY HAS SENT
AN IMPULSIVE LATE-NIGHT TEXT, AND NOW WE’RE STARRING AT THOSE
THREE LITTLE DOTS. THIS MORNING, A TOP IRANIAN
SECURITY OFFICIAL REVEALED THE COUNTRIES THAT DRAWN UP 13
SCENARIOS TO RETALIATE– ALSO KNOWN AS AN AYATOLLAH’S DOZEN. U.S. OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY
CONCERNED THAT IRAN COULD TRY TO STRIKE A HIGH-LEVEL AMERICAN
LEADER. WELL, I DON’T KNOW WHO THE
EQUIVALENT OF SOLEIMANI WOULD BE IN THE UNITED STATES. WHO WOULD IT HAVE TO BE? IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A WELL-KNOWN
MILITARY LEADER WHO IS A NATIONAL SYMBOL OF SECURITY AND
STABILITY. OH, MY GOD! IT’S THE GENERAL! GET OUT OF THERE, SIR! TRUMP ISN’T REAL HAPPY ABOUT
IRAN NOT BEING REAL HAPPY WITH HIM, AND HE SHOWED THAT TODAY
WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRIME MINISTER OF GREECE FOR A VERY
GRUMPY EPISODE OF: “CHAIR CHAT!>>Stephen: TRUMP WAS ASKED
ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE OUT SOLEIMANI, AND HE HAD NO
REGRETS.>>HE WAS TRAVELING WITH THE
HEAD OF HEZBOLLAH. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO DISCUSS A
VACATION. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO GO TO A
NICE RESORT SOMEPLACE IN BAGHDAD.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“AND THAT’S WHY WE BLEW HIM UP, BECAUSE HE WASN’T STAYING AT ONE
OF MY HOTELS.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AFTER GETTING CRITICIZED FOR
THREATENING TO ATTACK IRAN’S CULTURAL SITES, TRUMP WALKED IT
BACK… KIND OF SORT OF.>>THEY ARE ALLOWED TO KILL OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MAIM OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BLOW UP
EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE, AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT STOPS
THEM, AND WE ARE, ACCORDING TO VARIOUS LAWS, SUPPOSED TO BE
VERY CAREFUL WITH THEIR CULTURAL HERITAGE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THAT IS WHAT THE LAW IS, I
LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW.( AS TRUMP )
“I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW, JUST ASK PAUL MANAFORT OR MICHAEL
COHEN. IF THEY EVER GET OUT OF FEDERAL
PRISON, THEY WILL VOUCH FOR ME. THOSE TWO GUYS– THEY’RE GONNA,
THEY’RE GONNA… WITH THE GREEK PRIME MINISTER
SITTING BESIDE HIM, TRUMP ALSO PRAISED AMERICANS OF GREEK
HERITAGE.>>WE HAVE A TREMENDOUS GREEK
POPULATION, OVER THREE MILLION PEOPLE, AS I UNDERSTAND IT. THAT’S FANTASTIC. I REALLY FEEL I KNOW MOST OF
THEM. I THINK I KNOW ALL OF THEM, COME
TO THINK OF IT.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I KNOW EVERYONE FROM GREECE: RIZZO. FRENCHY. DANNY ZUKO. ♪ TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE ♪ DID YOU GET VERY FAR? TELL ME MORE
♪ TELL ME MORE LIKE, DOES HE HAVE A CAR? ♪ UH-HUH, UH-HUH
UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>COME ON, MAN. GET INTO IT!>>Stephen: SO THINGS ARE BAD
WITH IRAN, BUT DON’T WORRY, THINGS ARE ALSO BAD WITH IRAQ. ON SUNDAY, IRAQ’S PARLIAMENT
VOTED TO EXPEL AMERICAN TROOPS. SO IRAQ SAID, “GET OUT.” AND THE PENTAGON WAS LIKE… OKAY. EVIDENTLY, BECAUSE YESTERDAY WE
FOUND OUT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT SENT IRAQ A LETTER SAYING THEY
WERE REPOSITIONING OUR FORCES FOR MOVEMENT OUT OF IRAQ. BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE
RELEASE OF THAT LETTER, OUR TOP GENERAL SAID THE LETTER
SUGGESTING THE U.S. WOULD WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ WAS A
“MISTAKE.” OOPSA-TROOPSY! THE PAYING SAYS THE COPY OF THE
ENSIGNED LETTER LEAKED TO THE PRESS WAS A DRAFT. IT WAS NEVER SENT AS A FORMAL
MEMORANDUM. YOU CAN’T SEND SOMEONE A LETTER
OF THAT MAGNITUDE AND THEN SAY IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING. IT’S LIKE SAYING, “HONEY, THAT
BREAKUP EMAIL WAS FROM MY DRAFTS FOLDER. NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, WITH THIS
RING, I THEE WED.”

Stephen Speaks Out Against Diplomatic Bullying


WELCOME TO” LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HAPPY FRIDAY, WE MADE IT. SAFE. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE FUN PLANS FOR
THE WEEKEND. ANY PLANS?>>Jon: YES, INDEED, I’M GOING
TO GO HOME AND NAP.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GOOD. MY PLANS– I’M GOING TO SPEND
THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN MY CLOSET BANGING ON THE BACK WALL TO TRY
TO FIND THE WAY TO NARNIA. IF THAT FAILS, I KNOW THERE’S A
BOTTLE OF BOURBON IN THERE.>>Jon: PROBABLY SO, YOU’RE
RIGHT.>>Stephen: NARNIA OR BUST. ALL WEEK, ALL WEEK, PUNDITS AND
POLITICIANS HAVE BEEN ASKING THEMSELVES, “HOW DID WE GET
HERE?” ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT IS THE MORAL G.P.S. THAT LED US TO THIS CLIFF? HIGHWAY DID TRUMP WIN? WAS THIS THE REVENGE OF THE
WHITE, WORKING CLASS VOTERS? WAS HILLARY CLINTON COMPLACENT
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. DID WE ANGER THE VOLCANO GOD? I SAID WE SHOULD HAVE THROWN
TAYLOR SWIFT IN THERE. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. IT TURNS OUT TMAY BE NONE OF THE
ABOVE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BLAMING ALL
THE FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS THAT WAS PRO-TRUMP AND ANTI-HILLARY. IN FACT, MORE FAKE NEWS WAS
SHARED ON FACEBOOK THAN REAL NEWS. SO WHERE DID IT COME FROM? TURNS OUT A LOT OF IT CAME FROM
FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS WRITER AND MINDFREAK WANNABE, PAUL HORNER,
WHO SAYS, “I THINK DONALD TRUMP IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE BECAUSE OF
ME.” OKAY! DID YOU HEAR THAT, FUTURE TIME
TRAVELLERS? NOW YOU KNOW WHO TO HUNT LAST
YEAR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AAAH! ALTHOUGH, I GOTTA SAY, PRETTY
RUDE OF HIM NOT TO GIVE AT LEAST PARTIAL CREDIT TO JAMES COMEY. CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. HORNER CREDITS HIMSELF FOR SUCH
INFLUENTIAL FAKE NEWS ITEMS AS, “THE AMISH IN AMERICA COMMIT
THEIR VOTE TO DONALD TRUMP, MATHEMATICALLY GUARANTEEING
HIM A PRESIDENTIAL VICTORY.” “OBAMA SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER
BANNING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT ALL SPORTING EVENTS NATIONWIDE,”
AND “GAY WEDDING MOBILE VANS CASHING IN ON THE LEGALIZATION
OF GAY MARRIAGE.” BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU THINK GAY
PEOPLE YOU THINK ONE THING– VANS.>>Jon: THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: AND HORNER KNOWS
WHO HE CAN THANK FOR HIS SUCCESS, SAYING:
“HONESTLY, PEOPLE ARE DEFINITELY DUMBER. THEY JUST KEEP PASSING STUFF
AROUND. NOBODY FACT-CHECKS ANYTHING
ANYMORE. I MEAN, THAT’S HOW TRUMP GOT
ELECTED.” OH, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT
EVERYBODY, BUT CERTAIN PEOPLE DEFINITELY DON’T SEEM SMART. FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
THE FAKE NEWS WRITER WHO BRAGGED ABOUT ELECTING A REALITY SHOW
ABOUT ELECTING TRUMP TO THE COUNTRY HE HAS IT TO LIVE IN. OF COURSE, THIS ISN’T HORNER’S
FIRST BRUSH WITH FAME. LOOK AT THESE HEADLINES. “PAUL HORNER TRAMPLED BY ALPACA
AT BEASTIALITY CLUB. NATION REJOICES.” “DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN AND THEN
FEASTS ON THE FLESH OF PAUL HORNER.” BUT ACTUALLY, WE MADE THOSE UP,
FULL DISCLOSER. AND I KIND OF WISH MORE NEWS WAS
FAKE RIGHT NOW.>>Jon: OH, YEAH.>>Stephen: YEAH. I DON’T LIKE SOME OF THE REAL
HEADLINES I’M SEEING, LIKE THIS ONE, “MORE THAN 400
INCIDENTS OF HATEFUL HARASSMENT AND INTIMIDATION
SINCE THE ELECTION. FOR INSTANCE, INDIANA, WHERE
AN EPISCOPAL CHURCH WAS VANDALIZED WITH A SWASTIKA AND
THE WORDS ‘HEIL TRUMP’.” I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I MEAN, IT’S 2016. CAN WE PLEASE WAIT A LITTLE
LONGER BEFORE PUTTING UP THE 2020 CAMPAIGN SIGNS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT’S EVEN INFECTING FASHION,
BECAUSE THIS WEEK A NEO-NAZI BLOGGER DECLARED NEW
BALANCE THE “OFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE.” UTILL NOW, THEY WERE THE
UNOFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE. THE “FASCIST-NISTA” WENT ON TO
WRITE: “THIS WILL BE FANTASTIC. WE WILL BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE ONE
ANOTHER BY OUR SPORTSWEAR.” FINALLY, A WAY FOR NAZIS TO
RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THE SWASTIKA NECK TATTOO WAS
A LITTLE SUBTLE. THIS ALL STARTED– YAY! NECK TATTOO. THIS ALL STARTED AFTER NEW
BALANCE SUPPORTED THE ELECTION OF DONALD TRUMP, STATEMENTING,
“THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TURNED A DEAF EAR TO US AND, FRANKLY,
WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP, WE FEEL THINGS ARE GOING TO MOVE IN
THE RIGHT DIRECTION.” PEOPLE GOT SO MAD AT NEW BALANCE
FOR SUPPORTING TRUMP LIKE THIS, THEY FILMED THEMSELVES SETTING
THEIR SHOES ON FIRE. IT’S THE MOST MOVING ACT OF
SHOE-RELATED CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE SINCE DR. MARTIN LUTHER SCHOLLS’
“LETTER FROM A BIRMINGHAM FOOT LOCKER.” HE MADE UP IT THE MOUNTAINTOP
VERY FAST. HE RAN UP THE THING. HE WAS GELLING. NOW, I KNOW OUR NATION IS
DIVIDED RIGHT NOW, BUT DO WE HAVE TO DRAG FOOTWEAR INTO IT? I’M A WHITE MALE OF A CERTAIN
AGE WHO ENJOYS KHAKIS. DON’T TAKE MY NEW BALANCE FROM
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO WEAR WHEN I’M WAITING FOR MY WIFE
OUTSIDE THE TALBOT’S? SPEAKING OF BEING MARRIED. PEOPLE MARRIED? PEOPLE MARRIED.( APPLAUSE )
GUYS WHO WEAR WEDDING RINGS, IF
YOU’RE SHOPPING FOR ONE, SORRY
TO PUT YOU ON THE SPOT, GUYS, IF YOU’RE BUYING A RING,
BE SURE TO READ ALL THE SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS, BECAUSE THIS WEEK
DOCTORS REMOVED A WEDDING RING FROM A MAN’S PENIS. FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU CAN
ACTUALLY FIT A WEDDING RING AROUND YOUR PENIS,
CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING SOMEONE TO MARRY YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE MAN IN THIS STORY APPARENTLY
PUT THE BLING ON THE THING FOR “EROTIC REASONS.” WEKKM LIKE BEYONCE SAID, “IF YOU
LIKE IT, YOU BETTER PUT A RING ON IT.”>>Jon: YAY!>>Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. IT’S TRUE. ♪ ♪ ♪
AS FOR THE MAN’S TREATMENT OPTIONS, DOCTORS SAID,
“NO PROPER GUIDELINES EXIST FOR THE TREATMENT OF THIS CONDITION,
SO THE BEST METHOD IS THE ONE WITH A SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME.” YES, HOPEFULLY HE’LL HAVE A
SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME. WHAT HE WANTED WAS A HAPPY
ENDING. NOW, IF THERE WEREN’T ENOUGH
TROUBLING NEWS ALREADY THIS WEEK, IT WAS JUST REVEALED THAT
AFTER 11 SEASONS AND DECLINING VIEWERSHIP “DUCK DYNASTY” IS
SAYING GOOD-BYE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. I’M SAD, TOO. ( LAUGHTER )
TURNS OUT THE GUYS WANTED TO SPEND MORE TIME EXPLORING THEIR
TRUE PASSION– CHALLENGING SQUIRRELS TO STARING CONTESTS. NO WORD YET ON WHAT THE GUYS
PLAN TO DO NEXT, BUT MY MONEY’S ON PHIL ROBERTSON BEING CHOSEN
THE NEXT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, UNITED AIRLINES JUST ANNOUNCED THEY’RE OFFERING A
CHEAPER TICKET OPTION CALLED “BASIC ECONOMY,” NOT TO BE
CONFUSED WITH THE NAME OF THE BOOK DONALD TRUMP IS FRANTICALLY
READING RIGHT NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY, THE FUTURE IS A COIN TOSS! IN UNITED’S BASIC ECONOMY,
PASSENGERS “WON’T BE ABLE TO CHOOSE THEIR SEATS, WILL BE
LAST TO BOARD THE PLANE, AND WON’T BE ABLE TO CARRY ON MORE
THAN ONE PERSONAL ITEM THAT WILL FIT UNDER THE SEAT IN FRONT
OF THEM.” ALSO, YOU CAN’T HAVE LEGS, AND
ALL THE BABIES ON THE PLANE WILL CRY INTO TUBES THAT GO DIRECTLY
INTO YOUR EARS. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF A LIVING NIGHTMARE– NORTH KOREA HAS LONG BEEN RULED
BY SUPREME LEADER AND BIEWR ITO SUPREME, KIM JONG-UN. AND RECENTLY, NORTH KOREAN
OFFICIALS LODGED A FORMAL REQUEST WITH CHINA TO PROHIBIT
NAMES DISPARAGING KIM JONG-UN, SPECIFICALLY, THE
NICKNAME KIM FATTY III” THAT’S JUST MEAN. WHY ARE YOU FAT SHAMING THIS
GUY WHICH YOU COULD BE HUMAN-RIGHTS SHAMING THIS GUY? PLUS, IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE
FUN OF HIM– KIM’S A GIRL’S NAME. NOW, THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM
FOR NORTH KOREA, AS THE COUNTRY’S GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
ARE TERRIFIED ABOUT THE INSULT AND LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO
BLAME. IF HE’S LOOKING TO PLACE BLAME
ON SOMEONE ABOUT HIS WEIGHT, MAY I SUGGEST HIS MOUTH. I WANT TO TAKE A BOLD STANCE
AGAINST CYBERBULLYING, WHICH IS WHY I’M GOING TO RECORD AN
IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT OVER IN CAMERA ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
HI, I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK
THEIR BONES, BUT WORDS CAN REALLY HURT THEM. HI, I’M STILL STEVE COLBERT. I’D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO
SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE EPIDEMIC OF WORLD-LEADER BULLYING. IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT, BUT AS
WE SPEAK, HEADS OF STATE ARE BEING VICIOUSLY MOCKED IN EVERY
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, EXCEPT CANADA. THAT GUY’S JUST HOT. Y( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU MAY HAVE EVEN BULLIED WORLD LEADERS YOURSELF WITH NICKNAMES
LIKE “ANTHRAX Q. RABBITMOUTH,” “SECRET AGENT HORSE FONDLER,”
AND “LADY PAUL MCCARTNEY.” ( LAUGHTER )
NO MATTER HOW ACCURATE IT IS, IT IS CRUEL. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK OF
CALLING KIM JONG-UN “KIM FATTY III,” OR “THE CABBAGE
PATCH DICTATOR,” OR “MAN WHO ATE BOTH KIDD AND PLAY,” JUST
REMEMBER– HE HAS FEELINGS, TOO. AND A NUCLEAR WEAPON. SO SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. WILLIAM H. MACY IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I’M GOING TO
SIT AMERICA DOWN AND GIVE IT A LITTLE FATHERLY ADVICE. STICK AROUND!

Does Opting Out Of Intelligence Briefings Violate A Norm Or A Law?


ALSO NEXT WEEKS, WE MIGHT TELL
SOME JOKES ABOUT DONALD TRUMP. BUT WE’LL SEE. WE’RE LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT
DONALD TRUMP AND HERE’S THE BEST THING, WE’RE LEARNING THINGS
FROM CRUMP DONALD TRUMP. HE’S TEACHING US. FOR INSTANCE, HE’S TEACHING US
THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS PRESIDENTS DO THAT WE ALL
ASSUMED ARE LAWS BUT ARE ACTUALLY JUST NORMS WE GOT USED
TO FROM PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS, LIKE THE ONE WHERE YOU WIN BY
GETTING THE MOST VOTES. NOT A LAW. I’M GOING TO EXPLAIN THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORM AND A LAW IN OUR NEW SEGMENT, “NORM OR
LAW?” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY, HERE’S THE DEAL. HERE’S HOW IT WORKS. IT’S NOTOO COMPLICATED. IF I DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT’S
A NORM, LIKE HOLDING THE DOOR FOR SOMEONE AT STARBUCKS, YOU’LL
HEAR THIS:>>”NORM!”
>>Stephen: IF INSTEAD I DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT IS A
LAW, LIKE NOT HOLDING SOMEONE HOSTAGE IN STARBUCKS, YOU’LL
HEAR THIS: ( “LAW&ORDER” THEME )
>>Stephen: FIRST UP, UNLIKE EVERY OTHER CANDIDATE FOR THE
PAST 40 YEARS, DONALD TRUMP REFUSED TO RELEASE HIS TAX
RETURNS, AND WE NEED TO SEE A PRESIDENT’S TAX RETURNS TO KNOW
IF HE’S A CROOK. FUN FACT, THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO
RELEASE HIS TAXES SAID THIS:>>I AM NOT A CROOK.>>Stephen: FUN FACT: CROOK. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IS A CANDIDATE RELEASING HIS TAX RETURNAISE NORM OR A LAW?>>NORM!>>Stephen: YES, IT’S JUST A
NORM. AND HERE’S THE CRAZY PART:
WHILE THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T HAVE TO RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS,
CABINET AND SUBCABINET-LEVEL POSITIONS ARE REQUIRED TO SUBMIT
THEIR TAX RETURNS TO THE SENATE. SO, LOWER LEVEL POSITIONS ARE
HELD TO A HIGHER STANDARD THAN THE PRESIDENT. THAT’S LIKE WALKING INTO A
RESTAURANT BATHROOM, AND THE SIGN SAYS, “ALL EMPLOYEES MUST
WASH HANDS, EXCEPT THE CHEF.” ( LAUGHTER )
DISTURBING. DISTURBING.( APPLAUSE )
NEXT UP ON “NORM OR LAW?,” TRUMP
IS THE RICHEST MAN EVER TO BE
PRESIDENT, WHICH IS QUITE AN ACHIEVEMENT CONSIDERING SEVERAL
OF THE FIRST ONES HAD “UNPAID FARMING INTERNS.” THAT’S TRUE. I DIDN’T MAKE THAT UP. SO WILL TRUMP USE THE PRESIDENCY
TO HELP HIS BUSINESS? PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS SOLD OFF
THEIR INVESTMENTS OR PUT THEM IN SOMETHING CALLED A BLIND TRUST,
WHICH I BELIEVE IS ALSO THE SLOGAN ON TRUMP’S NEW HAT. SO, TRUMP’S GOING TO DO THE SAME
BECAUSE THAT’S THE LAW, RIGHT?>>NORM!>>Stephen: NOPE, IT’S JUST A
NORM. TURNS OUT, “THE STRICT FEDERAL
RULES ABOUT FINANCIAL CONFLICTS OF INTEREST DO NOT APPLY TO THE
PRESIDENT, WHOSE INCENTIVE TO AVOID SELF-ENRICHMENT IS SIMPLY
ASSUMED.” YES, IT’S ASSUMED. AND WHEN YOU ASSUME ABOUT TRUMP,
IT MAKES AN ASS OUT OF YOU AND ME
( APPLAUSE ) AND, AND, I THINK WE KNOW WHO’S
GRABBING THAT ASS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP’S COMPANIES ARE ALL OVER THE WORLD. IS THERE ANY LAW STOPPING
FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS FROM THROWING BUSINESS HIS WAY TO GET
SPECIAL TREATMENT, OR IS IT JUST A NORM? ( “LAW&ORDER “THEME.>>Stephen: OH, THANK GOD. AND THIS ONE’S IN THE
CONSTITUTION. THEM’S THE BIG LAWS. IT’S CALLED THE EMOLUMENTS
CLAUSE, WHICH IS A FANCY WORD FOR “BRIBE.” THE FOUNDERS KNEW THAT EVEN
HONEST PEOPLE MIGHT BETRAY THEIR VALUES FOR CASH. IT’S HUMAN NATURE. JUST LIKE IT’S HUMAN NATURE TO
ENJOY THE GREAT TASTE OF ACTIVIA YOGURT. MMM-MMM-MMM. ACTIVIA. BE RIGHT BACK. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SO WHAT ABOUT DAILY INTELLIGENCE
BRIEFINGS? IT’S CRUCIAL FOR THE COMMANDER
IN CHIEF TO BE CONSTANTLY UPDATED ON THREATS AROUND THE
WORLD, BUT SO FAR, TRUMP HAS BEEN OPTING OUT OF THEM. THAT’S RIGHT, HE’S JUST “OPTING
OUT.” DONALD TRUMP IS TREATING OUR
NATIONAL SECURITY LIKE I TREAT EMAILS FROM POTTERY BARN. “STOP NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION? UNSUBSCRIBE!”
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT YOGURT IS REALLY GOOD. ( LAUGHTER )
SO IS REFUSING TO BE INFORMED VIOLATING A NORM OR LAW?>>NORM!>>Stephen: YEP. BUT DON’T WORRY. ACCORDING TO TRUMP ADVISOR
KELLYANNE CONWAY, INSTEAD OF BRIEFINGS FROM THE C.I.A., TRUMP
GETS HIS INFORMATION FROM “A NUMBER OF SOURCES” INCLUDING
“HIS PERSONAL AND ON-THE-PHONE MEETINGS WITH OVER WHAT’S NOW 41
WORLD LEADERS.” FIRST OF ALL, KELLYANNE, NO ONE
SAYS “OVER FRUN.” YOU CAN SAY “OVER 40” OR “ALMOST
50,” BUT WHEN YOU SAY “OVER 41,” WE ALL KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO
MAKE 42 SOUND BIGGER. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THERE’S A REASON PRESIDENTS DON’T GET NEWS ABOUT OTHER
COUNTRIES FROM THOSE COUNTRIES’ LEADERS. FOREIGN LEADERS LIE. LIKE FIDEL CASTRO, WHO, UNTIL
LAST WEEK, WOULD NOT ADMIT THAT HE WAS DEAD. WELL, THAT’S IT FOR THIS EDITION
OF “NORM OR LAW,” BUT I HAVE A FEELING WE’LL LEARN A LOT MORE
ABOUT WHAT’S TECHNICALLY LEGAL OVER THE NEXT FEW YEARS– FOR
INSTANCE, WHETHER WE KEEP THE NORM THAT AMERICA HAS LAWS.

Toy Story 3 (Political Oppression)


“New toys!” Toy Story 3 is the latest installment of the
beloved Pixar series that appeals to the child in all of us. But the movie also contains some surprising
insights into the human rights abuses of totalitarian regimes. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights
guarantees a wide range of democratic freedoms that are a threat to governments who oppress
their people. Although expressed through the vehicle of
Pixar’s famous animated toys, Toy Story 3 depicts the abuses that befall people in many Communist countries, like the Soviet Union, China, and North Korea. Now that Andy is heading off to college, his
toys are torn between staying with him in the attic or going to a daycare, where they
can be played with every day. Upon arriving at Sunnyside Daycare, the seemingly
benevolent teddy bear leader Lotso places them in the toddler room. There they are harshly handled by the toddlers,
whereas Lotso’s favorite toys are all played with by the older kids. One of the hallmarks of totalitarian regimes
is their tendency to oppress people by separating them into classes. While promising to serve the masses, with
benevolent rhetoric reminiscent of Lotso’s, these regimes always structure society to
guarantee privilege for the regime’s ruling party at the expense of the masses. Lotso refuses Buzz’s request to transition
into the older kids’ playroom, thus denying him freedom of movement. He then brainwashes Buzz by reverting him
to original factory setting in order to punish Buzz for challenging his authority. Lotso then forces the now-compliant Buzz to
jail the other toys, thus violating their rights by arbitrarily imprisoning them. Does any of this sound eerily similar to life
under Communism? Citizens in Communist nations are denied freedom
of movement. If citizens in North Korea challenge authority,
their entire family is punished with imprisonment or execution. They are also forced to undergo reconditioning
where they are brainwashed with North Korean propaganda. “Listen up, folks. We got a way of doing things here at Sunnyside. If you start at the bottom, pay your dues,
life here can be a dream come true. But if you break our rules, step out of line,
try to check out early….well, you’re just hurting yourself.” “Woody! What did you do to him?” “You all get a good night’s rest. You got a full day of playtime tomorrow.” As Andy’s toys escape the daycare, Lotso bars
their exit. The toys refuse to return to their oppressive
system, declaring it unjust as Lotso rules with an iron fist behind his benevolent rhetoric. They proclaim their right to democratic government. “And I’d rather rot in this dumpster than
join any family of yours.” “Jessie’s right. Authority should derive from the consent of
the governed, not from the threat of force.” When the toys successfully rebel against Lotso’s
regime, they create a more representative and fair system for all. Unfortunately, tyranny in the real world couldn’t
be overthrown as easily as in a Pixar film. Human rights are essential to stopping dictatorial
regimes from treating people as things, so the deep and tragic irony is the fact that,
by the end of this movie, the inanimate toys of Toy Story 3 have more rights than many human
beings that live today in Communist countries such as North Korea, China, and the Soviet
Union.

Lawyers Ride To The Rescue After Passage Of Utah Pornography Law


WELCOME TO THE “LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. MAN, WINTER IS HERE.>>Jon: IT’S HERE.>>Stephen: EVERYBODY OKAY? EVERYBODY WARM ENOUGH?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: IT’S FREEZING. IT’S LIKE SIBERIA OUT THERE, AND
NOT JUST BECAUSE OUR NEW LEADER IS VLADIMIR PUTIN. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHICH — EVERYBODY’S SAYING THAT RUSSIA
HACKED OUR ELECTION, SO, TODAY, SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN HELD A
HEARING WITH THE HEADS OF THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY. MCCAIN MADE IT CLEAR THE PURPOSE
OF THE HEARING WAS TO INVESTIGATE CYBER SECURITY, AND
NOT TO, “QUESTION THE OUTCOME OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.” YES, NOBODY’S QUESTIONING THE
OUTCOME. JUST QUESTIONING WHY GOD LETS
BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GREAT NATIONS. WHAT DID WE DO?! WE’RE SORRY! WE’RE SORRY! ( APPLAUSE )
REPORTERS ASKED IF MCCAIN HAS SHARED HIS CONCERNS ABOUT RUSSIA
WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT.>>SENATOR MCCAIN, HAVE YOU
DETERMINED WHY THE PRESIDENT-ELECT DOESN’T SHARE
THE SAME CONCERNS ABOUT RUSSIA AS MANY REPUBLICANS LIKE
YOURSELF ON CAPITOL HILL?>>NO, I DON’T KNOW. I HAVEN’T TALKED TO HIM.>>Stephen: YEAH, HASN’T
CAULKED TO HIM. MCCAIN’S JUST CHAIRMAN OF THE
SENATE ARMED SERVICES COMMITTEE. TRUMP’S TALKING TO THE IMPORTANT
PEOPLE, LIKE SENATOR KANYE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: AND AT THE HEARING TODAY, EVERY HEAD OF THE U.S. INTELLIGENCE
AGENCIES TESTIFIED THAT RUSSIA WAS UNEQUIVOCALLY BEHIND THE
ELECTION HACK. BUT INSTEAD OF U.S. AGENCIES, UP
TILL NOW, TRUMP HAS BEEN TRUSTING WIKILEAKS FOUNDER AND
MIDDLE-AGED DRACO MALFOY, JULIAN ASSANGE. BUT THIS MORNING TRUMP TRIED TO
DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM ASSANGE, TWEETING, “THE DISHONEST MEDIA
LIKES SAYING THAT I AM IN AGREEMENT WITH JULIAN ASSANGE. WRONG. I SIMPLY STATE WHAT HE STATES,
IT IS FOR THE PEOPLE…” ( DEEP BREATH )
“…TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS AS TO THE TRUTH. THE MEDIA LIES TO MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE I AM AGAINST ‘INTELLIGENCE’ WHEN IN FACT I AM A BIG FAN!”
YES, BIG FAN! SUPER FAN! SUPER FAN! YES, DONALD TRUMP LOVES
INTELLIGENCE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, “IF
YOU LOVE SOMETHING, LET IT GO.” ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S TRUE LEADERSHIP. I JUST TYPE ANY CLAIM YOU HEAR
AND LET PEOPLE DECIDE WHAT’S TRUE: “BILLY TOLD ME IF A BOY
AND A GIRL TOUCH BUTTS, THE GIRL GETS PREGNANT. TRUE? YOU DECIDE! SAD!”
( LAUGHTER )>>Jon: OH, OH.>>Stephen: NOT TRUE. THAT’S NOT TRUE, JON. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. YOU’VE GOT TO SHAKE HANDS, TOO. OR DO CIRCLE DOT COOTIE SHOT,
YOU’RE FINE.>>Jon: I THOUGHT IT WAS THE
STORK THAT COMES OUT.>>Stephen: YOU BELIEVE THE
STORK THING?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: NO, THEY’RE
EXTINCT.>>Jon: WOW.>>Stephen: IT’S SAD. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT WHERE WERE WE? OH, TRUMP. BUT HERE’S WHAT’S ALSO WEIRD
ABOUT TRUMP’S ASSANGE TWEET. HE TWEETED THE FIRST PART OF
THIS SENTENCE AT 8:25 A.M., BUT FINISHED THE THOUGHT 20 MINUTES
LATER. ( LAUGHTER )
HOW CAN HE HAVE PLAN FOR AMERICA WHEN HE DOESN’T HAVE A PLAN FOR
THE END OF THE SENTENCE? MR. TRUMP, IT’S TIME TO GET OFF
TWITTER AND STOP BEING SUCH A WHINY MOTHER… I’LL FINISH THAT WORD IN ABOUT
TWENTY MINUTES. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ♪
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THE HACKING OF OUR DEMOCRACY, LET’S GET TO THE
BIG NEWS. FORMER AMERICAN IDOL RUNNER-UP,
BO BICE, SAYS HE WAS CALLED “WHITE BOY” AT POPEYE’S. THAT IS SHOCKING. THE ONLY APPROPRIATE TIME TO
CALL SOMEONE “WHITE BOY” IS WHEN YOU’RE INSTRUCTING THEM TO PLAY
THAT FUNKY MUSIC. (“PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC”)
♪ THAT’S AS FUNKY AS I CAN GET. I CAN FUNK ONE WORD — HEY!>>Jon: YEAH!>>Stephen: REALLY GOOD SONG. BASED ON A TRUE STORY. ( LAUGHTER )
APPARENTLY, BICE WAS IN THE ATLANTA AIRPORT WAITING FOR HIS
ORDER AT POPEYE’S — I’M GOING TO SAY “BUTTERFLY SHRIMP
TACKLEBOX”– WHEN, ACCORDING TO BICE, “THE THREE LADIES BEHIND
THE COUNTER ASKED WHOSE FOOD IT WAS. JUST WHEN I TURNED AROUND, ONE
OF THEM SAID ‘THAT WHITE BOY.’ IF TABLES HAD BEEN TURNED AND I
USED SOMETHING AS INSENSITIVE LIKE THAT, I WOULD BE BOYCOTTED. PEOPLE WOULDN’T BUY MY ALBUMS.” AND I DON’T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE
A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE DON’T BUY BO BICE ALBUMS. ( LAUGHTER )
NO! BICE IS UPSET, BUT IT’S HARD TO
TELL.>>AND THE FACT THAT I’VE GOT TO
SIT ON TV AND COME DOWN A NOTCH AND LOOK LIKE A PETTY LITTLE
BRAT BY TWEETING AND FACEBOOKING THIS JUST TO OPEN UP DIALOG SO
WE CAN HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION IS RIDICULOUS —
AND AMERICA, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.>>STEPHEN: YEAH, AMERICA. ( LAUGHTER )
ALL OF YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF WHAT THREE WOMEN WORKING AT
POPEYE’S DID. HOW DARE ALL OF YOU FORCE BO
BICE TO LOOK LIKE A PETTY LITTLE BRAT BY TWEETING AND FACEBOOKING
AND GOING ON TV TO CRY! I MEAN, WHAT OTHER CHOICE DID HE
HAVE? NOT BE ON TV? NO! YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE’S WHAT UPSETS ME MOST —
YOU PEOPLE AT POPEYE’S SHOULD KNOW HIS NAME. THAT’S BO BICE. YOU’RE AT A POPEYE’S. YOU SHOULD CALL HIM SOMETHING
FUN LIKE “RED BEANS AND BICE!” OR “BO BISCUITS!” OR “THE
AMERICAN FRY-DOL!” NOW, I AM WHITE AND I AM A BOY. I’M ABOUT THE WHITEST BOY YOU’RE
EVER GOING TO MEET. JOHN, HAVE YOU MET ANYBODY
WHITER THAN ME?>>Jon: YEAH, I THINK I KNOW
SOMEBODY.>>Stephen: WHO?>>Jon: A GUY I GREW UP WITH.>>Stephen: WHAT’S HIS NAME.>>Jon: ANDY.>>Stephen: YOU KNOW ANDY,
THAT WHITE GUY?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: WE MEET AT THE
WHITE MEETING. YEAH, I KNOW ANDY. ( LAUGHTER )
I JUST WANT TO SAY, POPEYE’S, CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT —
WHITE BOY, NINO BLANCO, COMMANDER MAYONNAISE — WHATEVER
— ANDY — JUST WHENEVER MY ORDER IS READY, GET THE
BUTTERFLY SHRIMP INTO THE CHEW HOLE! ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHITE BOYS, UTAH. ANY UTAH FANS HERE? ( ONE OR TWO CHEERING )
>>Stephen: THAT’S ABOUT RIGHT. ARE THERE ANY PORN FANS HERE? ( CHEERING )
WELL, BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE UTAH STATE SENATOR TODD WEILER
HAS ANNOUNCED A BILL THAT WILL GIVE PEOPLE THE ABILITY TO SUE
PORNOGRAPHERS, IN AN ATTEMPT TO PROVE THAT WATCHING THEIR
PRODUCT CAUSES EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE. FINALLY, IT’S WELL-KNOWN THAT
PORN CAUSES PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE. MOSTLY FOR THE PIZZA DELIVERY
GUY, WHO JUST WANTS TO DO HIS JOB AND DELIVER THE PIE. LADIES, FOR THE LAST TIME, IT’S
NOT A EUPHEMISM — EXTRA SAUSAGE IS JUST A TOPPING! SENATOR WEILER SAYS THE PORN
INDUSTRY IS A PUBLIC MENACE AND SHOULD BE OPEN TO LAWSUITS
BECAUSE, RIGHT NOW, PORN IS AVAILABLE WITHOUT ANY WARNINGS
AND LABELING. IT’S TRUE. IT IS TIME TO LABEL PORN! HOW ELSE WILL PEOPLE FIND
“MATURE REDHEADS ON FARM EQUIPMENT,” OR “SEXY LADY
BLACKSMITHS?” POINT IS, IF THIS BILL PASSES,
PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO SUE THE PORN INDUSTRY FOR DAMAGES, AND
LAWYERS ARE ALREADY STANDING BY TO HELP. I SAW THIS AD TODAY. LET ME SEE IF I’VE STILL GOT IT
ON THE OLD T BILL.>>HI THERE. HAS THIS HAPPENED THE TO YOU? YOU’RE ENJOYING A CLASSIC FILM
ABOUT SORORITY SLUT HOUSE ONLY FOR IT TO TURN OUT THE TO BE
PORN AND YOU SUFFER EMOTIONAL TRAUMA?>>WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE
SOMETIMES THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY. YOU NEED TO CALL GALINO AND
FARNS. OUR TRIAL ATTORNEYS ARE TRAINED
TO DEAL WITH ALL TYPES OF PORNOGRAPHY. INCLUDING THERMAL INVERSION.>>THE SCORPIONS REUNION TOUR. BIG BANG THEORY. GIRL ON GIRL. UY. DUCK ON HORSE. MUSTARD ON HOT DOG. AND OF COURSE, MALCOLM IN THE
MIDDLE. SO PICK UP THE PHONE WITH YOUR
FREE HAND, DON’T MASTER WAIT. CALL TODAY! ♪ PORNOGRAPHY ATTORNEYS ♪
♪ 1-800-69 ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR TONIGHT. ADAM DRIVER IS HERE! SO STICK AROUND.