Political Chaos in Venezuela & The Rise of a Cocoa Cartel | The Daily Show


You may remember that Venezuela
is a country in chaos right now. The economy has crashed,
people can’t afford food, and two men both claim
to be the rightful leader– President Nicolás Maduro and the head of the Venezuelan
congress, Juan Guaidó. And over the weekend,
there was an awkward moment when Guaidó showed up
at the office and found that Maduro
had changed the locks. WOMAN: There was chaos
outside Venezuela’s opposition-controlled
National Assembly. Security forces blocked
opposition leader Juan Guaidó from presiding over
a special session of congress to elect a leader. At one point yesterday,
Guaidó tried to climb a fence, but was prevented
from entering. Guaidó has been recognized
as Venezuela’s head by more than 50 nations,
including the U.S. Opposition leaders blamed
President Nicolás Maduro for the move to try
and oust Guaidó. Goddamn! What is going on
in Venezuela? It’s like
Southern America Ninja Warrior. What is that? Politicians are trying to climb
over the fence just to vote. That would never happen
in America. Can you imagine Mitch McConnell
climbing a fence to try to get into Congress? Although he probably
wouldn’t climb. He would just try and ooze
through the bars. (laughter) He’d just be like, “Yeah,
I’m-I’m mostly skin. Yeah. Mm. Yeah.” Seriously, I’m very impressed
by Guaidó, because there’s no vote
that would be important enough for me to try and jump a fence that had all of
those sharp points on top of it. I’d be like, “Uh, is this a vote “to replace my testicles
for free? Uh, then, no,
I’m gonna wait outside.” I bet there was one politician
inside the building who was like, “I wonder
which way Guaidó’s gonna vote, “because right now, he seems
to be on the fence! “Get it? Get it? Just me? Okay.” (applause and cheering) All right, and finally… if you love chocolate,
first of all, congratulations on being basic,
and, second, prepare to pay up. The top two cocoa producers
in the world– this is front page news
in the Wall Street Journal– have decided to join forces
and form a cocoa cartel. Ivory Coast and Ghana, combined, produce about two-thirds
of the world’s cocoa supply. MAN 2:
Wow. MAN: And they are banding
together to raise prices. So you can expect the cost of
candy bars, ice cream and cake to go up about 16%. Premium cocoa prices are due
to take effect in October. This is
a super interesting story, ’cause on the one hand,
you think of chocolate bars… -Yeah. -…and you think,
like, Willy Wonka, -and, like, everyone’s having
fun. -Right. -Yes. -Nah.
-And the golden ticket, yes. All right, this is big. Two of the world’s biggest
cocoa producers have teamed up to form the cocoa cartel, which also happens
to be my stripper name. (laughter) Don’t forget.
Tickets are still available for the show at the Man Cave
next Tuesday. The DJ doesn’t come in
that early, so I need you guys to hum
Britney Spears while I dance. (laughter) But for real, but for real,
it’s a cocoa cartel. It’s a real thing.
Sounds like a lot of fun. ‘Cause now I’m imagining,
like, cocoa dealers opening briefcases
of cocoa powder. Like, “This better be pure.” And just like, “Mmm! Mr. Toblerone
will be very pleased.” (laughter) It’s also funny how,
when the news anchor said, “Most people think of chocolate,
they think of Willy Wonka.” Who? Who thinks that? ‘Cause you realize Africa makes
75% of the world’s cocoa, right? So if Charlie got
a golden ticket in real life, they would ship him to Ghana
to meet the real Willy Wonka. -Yeah, that’s who that would be.
-(applause) That would be
the real Willy Wonka. (applause and cheering) That movie would be completely
different if it was real life. Charlie would be there
in the factory. Willy Wonka would be like,
“Now, Charlie, look at me. “Look at me, Charlie. “You are the captain now, okay? “That fat German kid
had to die, Charlie, “because you are the best. “So if anyone comes,
you tell them you are running everything here,
all right?”

President Trump: “I Like To Obey The Law”


>>WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE
LATE SHOW. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S JUST OUR SECOND SHOW OF 2020. AND SO FAR, WE’RE NOT DOING TOO
WELL ON THE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION OF “DON’T GO TO WAR
WE’VE BEEN WAITING ON PINS AND NEEDLES TO SEE HOW IRAN WOULD
RESPOND. IT’S LIKE OUR COUNTRY HAS SENT
AN IMPULSIVE LATE-NIGHT TEXT, AND NOW WE’RE STARRING AT THOSE
THREE LITTLE DOTS. THIS MORNING, A TOP IRANIAN
SECURITY OFFICIAL REVEALED THE COUNTRIES THAT DRAWN UP 13
SCENARIOS TO RETALIATE– ALSO KNOWN AS AN AYATOLLAH’S DOZEN. U.S. OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY
CONCERNED THAT IRAN COULD TRY TO STRIKE A HIGH-LEVEL AMERICAN
LEADER. WELL, I DON’T KNOW WHO THE
EQUIVALENT OF SOLEIMANI WOULD BE IN THE UNITED STATES. WHO WOULD IT HAVE TO BE? IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A WELL-KNOWN
MILITARY LEADER WHO IS A NATIONAL SYMBOL OF SECURITY AND
STABILITY. OH, MY GOD! IT’S THE GENERAL! GET OUT OF THERE, SIR! TRUMP ISN’T REAL HAPPY ABOUT
IRAN NOT BEING REAL HAPPY WITH HIM, AND HE SHOWED THAT TODAY
WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRIME MINISTER OF GREECE FOR A VERY
GRUMPY EPISODE OF: “CHAIR CHAT!>>Stephen: TRUMP WAS ASKED
ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE OUT SOLEIMANI, AND HE HAD NO
REGRETS.>>HE WAS TRAVELING WITH THE
HEAD OF HEZBOLLAH. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO DISCUSS A
VACATION. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO GO TO A
NICE RESORT SOMEPLACE IN BAGHDAD.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“AND THAT’S WHY WE BLEW HIM UP, BECAUSE HE WASN’T STAYING AT ONE
OF MY HOTELS.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AFTER GETTING CRITICIZED FOR
THREATENING TO ATTACK IRAN’S CULTURAL SITES, TRUMP WALKED IT
BACK… KIND OF SORT OF.>>THEY ARE ALLOWED TO KILL OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MAIM OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BLOW UP
EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE, AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT STOPS
THEM, AND WE ARE, ACCORDING TO VARIOUS LAWS, SUPPOSED TO BE
VERY CAREFUL WITH THEIR CULTURAL HERITAGE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THAT IS WHAT THE LAW IS, I
LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW.( AS TRUMP )
“I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW, JUST ASK PAUL MANAFORT OR MICHAEL
COHEN. IF THEY EVER GET OUT OF FEDERAL
PRISON, THEY WILL VOUCH FOR ME. THOSE TWO GUYS– THEY’RE GONNA,
THEY’RE GONNA… WITH THE GREEK PRIME MINISTER
SITTING BESIDE HIM, TRUMP ALSO PRAISED AMERICANS OF GREEK
HERITAGE.>>WE HAVE A TREMENDOUS GREEK
POPULATION, OVER THREE MILLION PEOPLE, AS I UNDERSTAND IT. THAT’S FANTASTIC. I REALLY FEEL I KNOW MOST OF
THEM. I THINK I KNOW ALL OF THEM, COME
TO THINK OF IT.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I KNOW EVERYONE FROM GREECE: RIZZO. FRENCHY. DANNY ZUKO. ♪ TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE ♪ DID YOU GET VERY FAR? TELL ME MORE
♪ TELL ME MORE LIKE, DOES HE HAVE A CAR? ♪ UH-HUH, UH-HUH
UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>COME ON, MAN. GET INTO IT!>>Stephen: SO THINGS ARE BAD
WITH IRAN, BUT DON’T WORRY, THINGS ARE ALSO BAD WITH IRAQ. ON SUNDAY, IRAQ’S PARLIAMENT
VOTED TO EXPEL AMERICAN TROOPS. SO IRAQ SAID, “GET OUT.” AND THE PENTAGON WAS LIKE… OKAY. EVIDENTLY, BECAUSE YESTERDAY WE
FOUND OUT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT SENT IRAQ A LETTER SAYING THEY
WERE REPOSITIONING OUR FORCES FOR MOVEMENT OUT OF IRAQ. BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE
RELEASE OF THAT LETTER, OUR TOP GENERAL SAID THE LETTER
SUGGESTING THE U.S. WOULD WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ WAS A
“MISTAKE.” OOPSA-TROOPSY! THE PAYING SAYS THE COPY OF THE
ENSIGNED LETTER LEAKED TO THE PRESS WAS A DRAFT. IT WAS NEVER SENT AS A FORMAL
MEMORANDUM. YOU CAN’T SEND SOMEONE A LETTER
OF THAT MAGNITUDE AND THEN SAY IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING. IT’S LIKE SAYING, “HONEY, THAT
BREAKUP EMAIL WAS FROM MY DRAFTS FOLDER. NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, WITH THIS
RING, I THEE WED.”

Extreme Anti-Abortion Laws Passed in Alabama, Missouri and Georgia | The Daily Show


Ever since
President Trump appointed a fifth conservative justice
to the Supreme Court, there are two questions
everyone has been asking. One: did Justice Ginsburg
take her vitamins today? And two: when will conservatives
try to use the new courts to overturn Roe v. Wade? Well, we don’t know
about the vitamins, but in the past few weeks, conservative lawmakers
have made their move. The abortion flash point
all across the country, a wave of new restrictions
gaining steam in states far beyond Alabama. NEWSMAN:
Georgia, Alabama and Missouri are putting into place
strict antiabortion laws. NEWSMAN 2:
Alabama passing the nation’s most restrictive abortion law,
effectively banning abortion. Under the law,
doctors could now face 99 years in prison
for performing an abortion. NEWSMAN 3:
In signing the abortion bill, Alabama governor
Kay Ivey said it… (reading): You know, I’m not gonna lie. America’s
a really confusing place, because they’re supposed to be
a separation between church and state, right? But this governor
is literally signing an antiabortion law
in God’s name. Yeah. Which is weird,
which is really weird, because I’ve read
the Bible, too, okay? And as much
as God loved children, he also wasn’t afraid
to take out a bunch of kids when he wanted to. Yeah. I mean,
when the Egyptians refused to release the Israelites,
God sent locusts and frogs, and then when
they didn’t listen, he killed their firstborn sons, which is quite the escalation,
you have to admit. If my neighbor was making noise,
then it was like, “Frogs!” Don’t listen? “Locusts!” Then they’re like, “All right,
your son’s gone, man. It’s over.” So, obviously, obviously,
many people have been pissed off because these extreme laws were
passed in places like Alabama. And it didn’t help…
it didn’t help that the lawmakers who put these
abortion restrictions in place just happened to be
the biggest sausage fest ever. I mean, look at that. For real. 25 men passed this abortion law. They passed it through
the Alabama Senate, right? These are the people deciding what women in Alabama can do
with their own bodies, which is crazy, because none of these men
will ever be pregnant. How are they writing the laws? It’s like if the Amish wrote
America’s laws on cybersecurity. You don’t know
what you’re talking about. -(laughter)
-The guy was just like, “Yeah. -I’m gonna write the laws.”
-(cheering and applause) “I’m gonna write all
of your laws. “You see, every computer
should have an angry goat in front of it
to scare away the demons.” Stay in your lane, Amish people. Now, it’s no secret
that these are some of the most extreme
abortion laws America’s ever seen, right? In fact, Alabama and Missouri
have made abortion a crime even in the cases of rape
and incest. And, for some Republicans,
this is a step too far. NEWSMAN: President Trump
tweeting this weekend… (reading): I don’t support the Alabama law. Uh, I believe that
there ought to be exceptions. I’m pro-life, but there ought
to be exceptions for rape and incest and where the life
of the mother’s at risk. You know what’s crazy
is that three weeks ago, Trump and Romney’s positions
on abortion were the extreme positions.
Yeah. But now, thanks to Alabama
and Missouri, these guys get to act
like feminists. Yeah? They’re like, “Yeah, no, no,
I’m on the side of the woman “except in these three cases. “I mean, every time
it should be against the law. I mean, I’m the reasonable guy.” Because, no, make no mistake. Three exceptions
is still bullshit, all right? You’re still taking away
a woman’s right to choose. It’s as simple as that. -(cheering and applause)
-It’s not reasonable. It just seems reasonable
by comparison. It’s like if one bully
threatened to beat me up, steal my lunch
and give me a wedgie and another bully steps in. He’s like, “Hey, hey,
the wedgie’s a step too far.” “Yeah, yeah, he’s reasonable.” So, as it stands, these bills
have been signed into law, which means now the courts
have to decide if they’re constitutional,
and there’s a good chance this will go all the way up to the newly conservative
Supreme Court. Yeah. So if you’re a woman
in America right now who wants to be in control
of her own body, this is a scary time. Luckily, there is
one law firm in town that might have found a way
to protect your uterus. -I’m Desi Lydic.
-And I’m Dulcé Sloan. And we’re attorneys at law. Just don’t Google that. Right now, Republicans
are trying to legislate what a woman can
and cannot do with her body. So if you’re a woman,
you might feel like your only options
are to either leave the country or marry your vibrator. Mine’s named Jorge. But our law firm
has a better solution. Incorporate that pussy. That’s right. Because
corporations are the one thing Republicans don’t want
to regulate. So we’ll turn your business
into a business. And, in their eyes,
you’ll go from baby maker to moneymaker. We’re regulating your vagina. But it’s a business now. Well, in that case,
here’s a tax cut. (ding) So call us today
and make sure your private sector
stays private. We’re talking about your vag. And all that other stuff
down there. Everything but the butt. No butt stuff.

Putting Donald Trump Supporters Through an Ideology Test: The Daily Show


Earlier this week, Donald Trump
proposed a bold new program to manage immigration
into the United States. We should only admit
into this country those who share our values
and respect our people. I call it extreme vetting. I call it
extreme, extreme vetting. It’s like he really thinks the
more “extremes” he puts on it the more votes he’ll get,
you know? “We’re down six points in Ohio,
so extreme vetting. “Extreme, extreme. “Check again.
How many? How many? Seven. Extreme, extreme.” The big question is, uh,
how widely shared are the values that Trump speaks
of amongst Trump supporters? Well, we sent Jordan Klepper
to find out. KLEPPER:Donald Trump’s new
ideological screening test
will weed out extremists
with…
Extreme views
about religion such as… It’s oppression of women,
gays and non-believers. KLEPPER:That’s right. Trump
wants prospective Americans
to embrace religious freedom,
gender equality and gay rights.
At a recent rally in Wisconsin,
his fans were on board.
I am for extreme vetting. I am. I think it is a good idea. Extreme vetting. Think that’s a good idea? Of course.
He forgot one thing. Just make ’em eat some bacon. KLEPPER:
These guys were pumped about
America’s values
of tolerance so
I knew they’d pass Trump’s test
with flying colors.
Fill in the blank for me. Two men getting married is…
blank. Disgusting. I should answer
it’s legal in the United States. Oh, it’s legal,
but I don’t like it. It’s important
to believe in our… you know, to have respect
for everyone’s religion. -So you respect Christianity?
-I do. -Judaism.
-Yes. -Islam.
-No. Can a woman be president? The presidency is a man’s job. I have womenarequalified
to be president. No. A female
has more hormones. She could start a war
in ten seconds if she has hot flashes,
whatever– boom! Haven’t all wars
been started by men? Mm… yes. Do you think a gay couple
should have the same rights -as a het…?
-No, I don’t. I really don’t.
I don’t think it’s fair. To the gay couple? Well, no, but, the regular couple–
they work so hard, you know. And the gay couple–
they want more. Do you…? When you say more,
do you mean equal? Yeah, they want equal in that. -And that’s just too much?
-Yeah. -No, that’s the wrong answer.
Sorry. Hold on. -Ah.Turns out Trump’s ideology testwas going
to be harder than I thought.
Whenever I hear “president,”
I think of man. It’s a man’s job. What’s the r…?
I may be… Uh, closed-minded. No. Yeah, well, no. -Um…
-Misogynistic? (laughs)
No. You’re voting
against your own interests. That’s it. Thank you very much. These extreme nations– they
don’t treat women with respect. We treat women
with respect here. Yes, we do, be… -That’s an American ideal.
-Yup. Tell me about your shirt. -What’s it say?
-It says… (laughs) “Hillary sucks.” (laughs)
But not like Monica. Hilarious. So we were talking about
treating women with respect. It’s an American ideal that we treat women
with respect, so… You got to give me the back
of that shirt one more time. That’s too much fun. Trump that bitch! (laughs) We don’t even see
the irony in it. I love it, right?As passionate
as these guys were,
they just weren’t passing
Trump’s ideological test.
Luckily,
there was still time to study.
This will just help you
prep for the test so if you take it again,
you’ll be more welcome here. Uh, this is a DVD of the third
season ofWill & Grace.-Okay. -It’s really likable
and not too gay, gay people. This one is gonna be good
for you. Gloria Steinem. This really like, uh,
humanizes women. -Okay?
-(laughs) ‘Cause us feminists– -we have so much work
to be done. -(Klepper laughs) -You know?
-You a feminist? -No. -KLEPPER:Obviously,
extreme vetting was necessary
to weed out extremists,but until the plan was
in place, were any of us safe?
Are you afraid the extremists
are already here right now? They could be anywhere. They could be right here. -They could be.
-Yeah. -Like that guy or that guy.
-They could be over there. -They could be that guy,
or this guy. -Anybody.

CP Time: Government Conspiracy Theories | The Daily Show


Do you guys like black people? (cheering) Well, then you’ll love
Roy Wood Jr. with another episode of CP Time. ♪ ♪ Ah. Welcome to CP Time, the only show
that’s for the culture. Now, it’s no secret that black folks love us
a good conspiracy theory, like how rapper B.o.B. thinks
the world is flat or Mos Def doesn’t think
Osama bin Laden did 9/11 or how I believe
that Khloe Kardashian is O.J. Simpson’s
secret daughter. (chuckles) Oh, that O.J., always leaving DNA everywhere. No wonder
they call him the Juice. But the conspiracy theories
that unite all black people are about the government. Uncle Sam gets more blame than
alcohol after a pregnancy test, like the conspiracy theory that
the government created AIDS, which I personally
don’t believe. We all know
that the only manmade disease is kidney stones. Somebody sneaking them stones
up there. Think about it. Then, of course,
there’s black folks’ suspicion that, during Hurricane Katrina, the government blew up
the levies on purpose to flood out
poor black neighborhoods and spare the white ones. That’s right. The government even turned water
against us. I’d expect that
from racist-ass lava but not you, water. That’s why I only shower now
with Lime Gatorade. Who can you trust? Now, I know you white people
out there– you’re all laughing. You all think black people
is crazy and gullible. I can hear you chuckling. Oh. “Chuck, chuck, chuck,
chuck, chuck, chuck.” But this is serious,
when you realize how many conspiracy theories
against us turn out to be true. Like how black people
with syphilis thought they were being treated, but were actually part
of a government experiment. -(audience groaning)
-That’s right. The government did medical
experiments on black people, and we didn’t even get
any superpowers. (laughter) If I’m gonna have syphilis,
I should also get to be the She Hulk or Syphilis Man, or one of the new members
of The Avengers. Fair is fair. And what about during the 1960s when we all said they were trying
to sabotage Martin Luther King? And then in the 1990s,
we found out that they were trying
to sabotage Martin Luther King. They wiretapped him and released
salacious transcripts of his most intimate moments of
fornication with random women. I refuse to read a single word
of that slander. I did listen to that audio book,
though. (laughter) Freaky deaky. So the next time
you’re fixing to laugh at a black person’s
conspiracy theory, just remember we’re batting
about .250 on these, which brings me to the biggest
conspiracy theory of them all– that Popeyes Chicken is a front
for the CIA. (laughter) A ten-piece and sides for $20. (laughter) Those are crack prices. But thankfully, I’ve been able
to resist this product for years because I know better
than to ever give in to… (gasps) -Oh, my God.
-(laughter) Oh, my… oh, my God,
they got biscuits, too. Well, I think that’s all
the time we have for today. (laughter) I’m Roy Wood, Jr.,
and this has been “CP Time.” -(cheers and applause)
-And remember– for the culture. Oh! Could you turn the lights
off, please? Turn the lights…
Thank you. Eat this in private.
Mmm! Roy Wood, Jr. , everyone.

Stephen Speaks Out Against Diplomatic Bullying


WELCOME TO” LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HAPPY FRIDAY, WE MADE IT. SAFE. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE FUN PLANS FOR
THE WEEKEND. ANY PLANS?>>Jon: YES, INDEED, I’M GOING
TO GO HOME AND NAP.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GOOD. MY PLANS– I’M GOING TO SPEND
THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN MY CLOSET BANGING ON THE BACK WALL TO TRY
TO FIND THE WAY TO NARNIA. IF THAT FAILS, I KNOW THERE’S A
BOTTLE OF BOURBON IN THERE.>>Jon: PROBABLY SO, YOU’RE
RIGHT.>>Stephen: NARNIA OR BUST. ALL WEEK, ALL WEEK, PUNDITS AND
POLITICIANS HAVE BEEN ASKING THEMSELVES, “HOW DID WE GET
HERE?” ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT IS THE MORAL G.P.S. THAT LED US TO THIS CLIFF? HIGHWAY DID TRUMP WIN? WAS THIS THE REVENGE OF THE
WHITE, WORKING CLASS VOTERS? WAS HILLARY CLINTON COMPLACENT
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. DID WE ANGER THE VOLCANO GOD? I SAID WE SHOULD HAVE THROWN
TAYLOR SWIFT IN THERE. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. IT TURNS OUT TMAY BE NONE OF THE
ABOVE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BLAMING ALL
THE FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS THAT WAS PRO-TRUMP AND ANTI-HILLARY. IN FACT, MORE FAKE NEWS WAS
SHARED ON FACEBOOK THAN REAL NEWS. SO WHERE DID IT COME FROM? TURNS OUT A LOT OF IT CAME FROM
FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS WRITER AND MINDFREAK WANNABE, PAUL HORNER,
WHO SAYS, “I THINK DONALD TRUMP IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE BECAUSE OF
ME.” OKAY! DID YOU HEAR THAT, FUTURE TIME
TRAVELLERS? NOW YOU KNOW WHO TO HUNT LAST
YEAR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AAAH! ALTHOUGH, I GOTTA SAY, PRETTY
RUDE OF HIM NOT TO GIVE AT LEAST PARTIAL CREDIT TO JAMES COMEY. CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. HORNER CREDITS HIMSELF FOR SUCH
INFLUENTIAL FAKE NEWS ITEMS AS, “THE AMISH IN AMERICA COMMIT
THEIR VOTE TO DONALD TRUMP, MATHEMATICALLY GUARANTEEING
HIM A PRESIDENTIAL VICTORY.” “OBAMA SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER
BANNING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT ALL SPORTING EVENTS NATIONWIDE,”
AND “GAY WEDDING MOBILE VANS CASHING IN ON THE LEGALIZATION
OF GAY MARRIAGE.” BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU THINK GAY
PEOPLE YOU THINK ONE THING– VANS.>>Jon: THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: AND HORNER KNOWS
WHO HE CAN THANK FOR HIS SUCCESS, SAYING:
“HONESTLY, PEOPLE ARE DEFINITELY DUMBER. THEY JUST KEEP PASSING STUFF
AROUND. NOBODY FACT-CHECKS ANYTHING
ANYMORE. I MEAN, THAT’S HOW TRUMP GOT
ELECTED.” OH, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT
EVERYBODY, BUT CERTAIN PEOPLE DEFINITELY DON’T SEEM SMART. FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
THE FAKE NEWS WRITER WHO BRAGGED ABOUT ELECTING A REALITY SHOW
ABOUT ELECTING TRUMP TO THE COUNTRY HE HAS IT TO LIVE IN. OF COURSE, THIS ISN’T HORNER’S
FIRST BRUSH WITH FAME. LOOK AT THESE HEADLINES. “PAUL HORNER TRAMPLED BY ALPACA
AT BEASTIALITY CLUB. NATION REJOICES.” “DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN AND THEN
FEASTS ON THE FLESH OF PAUL HORNER.” BUT ACTUALLY, WE MADE THOSE UP,
FULL DISCLOSER. AND I KIND OF WISH MORE NEWS WAS
FAKE RIGHT NOW.>>Jon: OH, YEAH.>>Stephen: YEAH. I DON’T LIKE SOME OF THE REAL
HEADLINES I’M SEEING, LIKE THIS ONE, “MORE THAN 400
INCIDENTS OF HATEFUL HARASSMENT AND INTIMIDATION
SINCE THE ELECTION. FOR INSTANCE, INDIANA, WHERE
AN EPISCOPAL CHURCH WAS VANDALIZED WITH A SWASTIKA AND
THE WORDS ‘HEIL TRUMP’.” I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I MEAN, IT’S 2016. CAN WE PLEASE WAIT A LITTLE
LONGER BEFORE PUTTING UP THE 2020 CAMPAIGN SIGNS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT’S EVEN INFECTING FASHION,
BECAUSE THIS WEEK A NEO-NAZI BLOGGER DECLARED NEW
BALANCE THE “OFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE.” UTILL NOW, THEY WERE THE
UNOFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE. THE “FASCIST-NISTA” WENT ON TO
WRITE: “THIS WILL BE FANTASTIC. WE WILL BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE ONE
ANOTHER BY OUR SPORTSWEAR.” FINALLY, A WAY FOR NAZIS TO
RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THE SWASTIKA NECK TATTOO WAS
A LITTLE SUBTLE. THIS ALL STARTED– YAY! NECK TATTOO. THIS ALL STARTED AFTER NEW
BALANCE SUPPORTED THE ELECTION OF DONALD TRUMP, STATEMENTING,
“THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TURNED A DEAF EAR TO US AND, FRANKLY,
WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP, WE FEEL THINGS ARE GOING TO MOVE IN
THE RIGHT DIRECTION.” PEOPLE GOT SO MAD AT NEW BALANCE
FOR SUPPORTING TRUMP LIKE THIS, THEY FILMED THEMSELVES SETTING
THEIR SHOES ON FIRE. IT’S THE MOST MOVING ACT OF
SHOE-RELATED CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE SINCE DR. MARTIN LUTHER SCHOLLS’
“LETTER FROM A BIRMINGHAM FOOT LOCKER.” HE MADE UP IT THE MOUNTAINTOP
VERY FAST. HE RAN UP THE THING. HE WAS GELLING. NOW, I KNOW OUR NATION IS
DIVIDED RIGHT NOW, BUT DO WE HAVE TO DRAG FOOTWEAR INTO IT? I’M A WHITE MALE OF A CERTAIN
AGE WHO ENJOYS KHAKIS. DON’T TAKE MY NEW BALANCE FROM
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO WEAR WHEN I’M WAITING FOR MY WIFE
OUTSIDE THE TALBOT’S? SPEAKING OF BEING MARRIED. PEOPLE MARRIED? PEOPLE MARRIED.( APPLAUSE )
GUYS WHO WEAR WEDDING RINGS, IF
YOU’RE SHOPPING FOR ONE, SORRY
TO PUT YOU ON THE SPOT, GUYS, IF YOU’RE BUYING A RING,
BE SURE TO READ ALL THE SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS, BECAUSE THIS WEEK
DOCTORS REMOVED A WEDDING RING FROM A MAN’S PENIS. FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU CAN
ACTUALLY FIT A WEDDING RING AROUND YOUR PENIS,
CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING SOMEONE TO MARRY YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE MAN IN THIS STORY APPARENTLY
PUT THE BLING ON THE THING FOR “EROTIC REASONS.” WEKKM LIKE BEYONCE SAID, “IF YOU
LIKE IT, YOU BETTER PUT A RING ON IT.”>>Jon: YAY!>>Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. IT’S TRUE. ♪ ♪ ♪
AS FOR THE MAN’S TREATMENT OPTIONS, DOCTORS SAID,
“NO PROPER GUIDELINES EXIST FOR THE TREATMENT OF THIS CONDITION,
SO THE BEST METHOD IS THE ONE WITH A SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME.” YES, HOPEFULLY HE’LL HAVE A
SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME. WHAT HE WANTED WAS A HAPPY
ENDING. NOW, IF THERE WEREN’T ENOUGH
TROUBLING NEWS ALREADY THIS WEEK, IT WAS JUST REVEALED THAT
AFTER 11 SEASONS AND DECLINING VIEWERSHIP “DUCK DYNASTY” IS
SAYING GOOD-BYE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. I’M SAD, TOO. ( LAUGHTER )
TURNS OUT THE GUYS WANTED TO SPEND MORE TIME EXPLORING THEIR
TRUE PASSION– CHALLENGING SQUIRRELS TO STARING CONTESTS. NO WORD YET ON WHAT THE GUYS
PLAN TO DO NEXT, BUT MY MONEY’S ON PHIL ROBERTSON BEING CHOSEN
THE NEXT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, UNITED AIRLINES JUST ANNOUNCED THEY’RE OFFERING A
CHEAPER TICKET OPTION CALLED “BASIC ECONOMY,” NOT TO BE
CONFUSED WITH THE NAME OF THE BOOK DONALD TRUMP IS FRANTICALLY
READING RIGHT NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY, THE FUTURE IS A COIN TOSS! IN UNITED’S BASIC ECONOMY,
PASSENGERS “WON’T BE ABLE TO CHOOSE THEIR SEATS, WILL BE
LAST TO BOARD THE PLANE, AND WON’T BE ABLE TO CARRY ON MORE
THAN ONE PERSONAL ITEM THAT WILL FIT UNDER THE SEAT IN FRONT
OF THEM.” ALSO, YOU CAN’T HAVE LEGS, AND
ALL THE BABIES ON THE PLANE WILL CRY INTO TUBES THAT GO DIRECTLY
INTO YOUR EARS. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF A LIVING NIGHTMARE– NORTH KOREA HAS LONG BEEN RULED
BY SUPREME LEADER AND BIEWR ITO SUPREME, KIM JONG-UN. AND RECENTLY, NORTH KOREAN
OFFICIALS LODGED A FORMAL REQUEST WITH CHINA TO PROHIBIT
NAMES DISPARAGING KIM JONG-UN, SPECIFICALLY, THE
NICKNAME KIM FATTY III” THAT’S JUST MEAN. WHY ARE YOU FAT SHAMING THIS
GUY WHICH YOU COULD BE HUMAN-RIGHTS SHAMING THIS GUY? PLUS, IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE
FUN OF HIM– KIM’S A GIRL’S NAME. NOW, THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM
FOR NORTH KOREA, AS THE COUNTRY’S GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
ARE TERRIFIED ABOUT THE INSULT AND LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO
BLAME. IF HE’S LOOKING TO PLACE BLAME
ON SOMEONE ABOUT HIS WEIGHT, MAY I SUGGEST HIS MOUTH. I WANT TO TAKE A BOLD STANCE
AGAINST CYBERBULLYING, WHICH IS WHY I’M GOING TO RECORD AN
IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT OVER IN CAMERA ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
HI, I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK
THEIR BONES, BUT WORDS CAN REALLY HURT THEM. HI, I’M STILL STEVE COLBERT. I’D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO
SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE EPIDEMIC OF WORLD-LEADER BULLYING. IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT, BUT AS
WE SPEAK, HEADS OF STATE ARE BEING VICIOUSLY MOCKED IN EVERY
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, EXCEPT CANADA. THAT GUY’S JUST HOT. Y( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU MAY HAVE EVEN BULLIED WORLD LEADERS YOURSELF WITH NICKNAMES
LIKE “ANTHRAX Q. RABBITMOUTH,” “SECRET AGENT HORSE FONDLER,”
AND “LADY PAUL MCCARTNEY.” ( LAUGHTER )
NO MATTER HOW ACCURATE IT IS, IT IS CRUEL. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK OF
CALLING KIM JONG-UN “KIM FATTY III,” OR “THE CABBAGE
PATCH DICTATOR,” OR “MAN WHO ATE BOTH KIDD AND PLAY,” JUST
REMEMBER– HE HAS FEELINGS, TOO. AND A NUCLEAR WEAPON. SO SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. WILLIAM H. MACY IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I’M GOING TO
SIT AMERICA DOWN AND GIVE IT A LITTLE FATHERLY ADVICE. STICK AROUND!