M. Night Shyamalan Pranked His Mother-in-Law with the Fake Baby from Servant


-How are you?
-I’m good. I was backstage,
and Tiffany twerked for me. -Yeah.
-I mean, it’s good. -Well, wait. You were backstage
probably looking for Migos on your phone being like,
“I have to have this ready…” -No, she did it without music. -She’s a very kind person.
-Yes. -You’re obviously — You’re
known for being a film director. It’s very exciting to have you
producing a television series, directing some episodes. This is,
as one might expect from you, a fairly haunting idea
about a — [ Laughs ]
I don’t know why I’m laughing. It’s a couple
who’s suffered a tragic loss. -Yeah.
-There’s a nanny. Explain the concept real quick
and how it came about. -You know, I get offered certain
things to either, you know, write, rewrite.
or direct or produce. And this particular idea
came to me of a couple
that had lost a child, and they do this very fringe
therapy, this very rare therapy. It’s actually a real therapy,
where they take a doll and pretend that their child
is still alive and to help with
the emotions and all. And it’s such a tragic
kind of setup. And it’s very eerie
in and of itself. And this doll
that they’re using, the mom thinks
the child’s alive, and she believes it so much
that she hires a nanny. And then the nanny comes in,
and the nanny immediately starts treating the doll
like it’s alive. And so it’s a very eerie setup,
and so I was like, “I need to know
what happens to this couple.” -Yes.
-Yeah. -And that’s how you get into it.
-Yes. -I want to show a clip real
quick because this is sort of — Explain the clip
before we show it. Like — -Yeah, it’s — I can barely
show you guys anything about this show
without giving too much away, but this is in episode nine,
which I directed. And weird things are afoot. And strange things
are happening. And this is a moment, I believe, where she wakes up
in the middle of the day and the car alarm is going off
and it just won’t stop. And she’s trying
to find the key, and she finds the key,
and it just won’t stop. And there’s something
that’s going on that’s infecting their lives
in this house. -All right.
Let’s take a look real quick. [ Car alarm wailing,
horn blaring ] -[ Screaming ] [ Car alarm wailing,
horn blaring ] [ Alarm and horn stop ] ♪♪ -See, it’s very haunting.
You make very haunting films. It’s very distressing
to watch what you make. -Yeah. It’s a mystery,
and it’s been fun to do it in this long form like this
with Apple. It’s been — It’s been fun. -How do you —
Do you ever get scared when you’re watching something
that you have done? -I’m definitely — I’m — If you
watch a movie with me, if we were in a movie theater
together, I am the best audience member. I’m squirming, and I’m jumping,
and I’m like, “Oh, my gosh.
That happened to Kevin Hart? Oh, my gosh!” I’m definitely the guy that’s
totally reacting to everything. And even in my stuff,
when it’s working, I start to react like that,
as well. -And so — Obviously when you make a film
you do test screenings, you are watching
audience members. Are you looking for something
from an audience member when they’re watching
something you’ve made? -Well, it’s really interesting
’cause I make thrillers generally,
like, suspense thrillers. And what ends up happening — I
noticed this when I was younger, and I didn’t realize this was
actually a real thing. But as I’ve made more movies, it’s actually a science
what I’m telling you. So, you screen the first cut of
movie, and it’s really long. It has, like, everything in it.
It’s not paced correctly. And about 50 people
will go to the bathroom during the screening
of the movie. They’ll just get up and go
at some point in the movie. And as you make the movie
and you keep on doing it, then 30 people
go to the bathroom. And the time next,
there’s 20 people, and then 10 people,
then 4 people. And then the last cut of the
movie when it’s ready to go out, it’s two people,
and they’re running, and they’re backwards-watching
the screen as they go to the bathroom. And what’s really interesting
is that, like, you stop thinking about yourself when you’re
completely connected to the movie
and like 500 people forget they needed to go
to the bathroom. -Yeah, I mean, I guess the
perfect movie would just be everybody goes
in their pants, yeah. -Yeah, I’ve never —
never achieved that. -Never achieved that. Yeah. -I’ve never achieved that
Depends level of success. -I do, as would be expected,
like — You know, you mentioned
that it’s like a baby doll. The baby doll, though, is —
We have a photo of it. It is little bit,
I think, more lifelike than people may have expected. [ Audience awws ]
That’s a real — Yeah, exactly. And on set,
I would imagine it’s fairly — As far as props go,
it’s probably fairly creepy. -That is the doll
that they use in the therapy. We had one made for us,
and it’s — It literally moves, and it sits
with you like a real doll. My mother-in-law, who lives
in India, came to visit me, and I was showing her
my offices. And me being
a really bad son-in-law, I decided to trick her. And so we were walking through
the offices, and I went, “Oh, my — Oh, my God!
Someone left a baby!” -Oh, Jesus.
-“Oh, my God.” And she was like, you know —
She’s an older Indian woman. And I was like, “Oh, my God!” And she was, “Oh, no!
Oh, my God! Ohh!” And then I was like,
“Who would do this?! Who would do this?!” And she was like,
“What is this?!” And I handed it to her,
and she starts cradling it ’cause it weighs and it moves
just like a baby, and she starts tearing up,
and I’m like, “This has gone too far.”
-Yeah. -And I said, “I’m just kidding.” -Do you not get this enough
from your work? -“I’m just kidding.
It’s not real.” And she keeps on — she keeps on
doing this as she’s like — It’s a doll, and you can’t stop. Your body won’t stop because it feels and looks like
a real doll. I’m sorry I did that to her.
-Yes.

Do You Believe in God?


Good morning, John. Thank you so much for your video on Monday.
It felt like there was this hole, and Nerdfighteria had been asking us this question for so long,
and we had left it unanswered, and it felt very… it felt kinda wrong. It felt kinda
like a gap in our body of work. And it points out that often, asking questions
about the questions that we want to ask is far more useful than answering the questions
themselves. So for example, interesting question about the phrase “belief in God.” There are
more words that are hard to define in that sentence than words are easy to define. For example, “God”? Even people who go to
the same church, ostensibly believe in the same god, all have different visions of what
God is in their head. Everyone is always going to have a slightly different perception of
what that thing– he, she, it, is. But at the same time, it’s a very particular thing
to each particular person. And then you have the word “belief.” Interestingly,
uh, the question of what the difference between belief and knowledge is is not just a philosophical
question; it is an entire branch of philosophy called epistemology. So obviously, uh, not
something to cover in a video blog, but the longest-running definition is that knowledge
is belief that is true. Which is kinda strange to get your head around, which is why there
is an entire branch of philosophy, uh, concerning it. When we believe something, we accept that
there is a chance that it’s not true, but we have faith nonetheless that it is true.
Like it’s weird to talk about having faith in things that you know, like I know that
this water is not going to poison me if I drink it. Whereas, if I say that I have faith
that this water will not kill me if I drink it, now I’m not so sure I’m gonna drink it. But what really bugs me about the question
“do you believe in God?” is not that there are many more interesting questions surrounding
that question, like “why do we ask it?” and “what does ‘believe’ mean?” –is the motivation
behind asking that question. People who have asked that question to me, or to other people,
I’m just curious, why do you want to know? Because it seems like there’s really only
two reasons to want to know the answer to that question. One: Because you’re not sure yourself, and
you’re trying to inform your opinion, and you think that I’m some kind of authority.
To those people, I say: Thank you for thinking that I’m an authority on this. I am not, and
that’s going to have to be something that you figure out on your own. And if anybody’s
telling you different, uh, then they’re wrong. This is a question for you to answer for yourself. There’s kind of a 1.5 here, which is that
you want to reinforce your beliefs, and you wanna feel like, “Oh Hank, he believes the
same thing as me, so now I feel better about my beliefs.” Well that’s not actually going
to work, uh, for you; you have to feel good about your beliefs for your own sake. So basically 1 and 1.5, I’m not gonna help
you with that, uh, you gotta have to figure it out on your own. And the second reason to ask if someone is,
believes in God is kind of a shortcut to think that you know more about that person because
of a very simple answer, which is dangerous. This is the kind of pattern recognition that
we do constantly as people: we try to categorize things. And that’s usually really useful – until
you start dealing with people. Sometimes I feel like when someone asks me
if I believe in God, it’s like a blind person asking if I’m black so that they can put me
in the right category. People are constantly searching for little things that they can
use as markers to identify how and what people are. Like, “gay people are all like this,”
“Christians are all like this,” “atheists are all like this.” And that is – I mean,
duh – that’s really dangerous! So that’s my biggest fear, that people are
asking because they want to inform their opinions of me with this little one-word answer that
says so very little about who I actually am. After you’ve formed a strong opinion of who
I am and understand how I live my life, that’s when I’ll be comfortable telling you about
my beliefs and practices, which is that I am a Satan worshipper who feeds on the blood
of newborn unicorns. John, I will see you on Friday.

The Darkness | ContraPoints


(film reel whirring) (suspenseful electronic music) – One, Hello Darkness. Hello children, it is
I, the darkness within! So, you know how life is like, kinda bad? Well what are you gonna
do about that, hmm? I mean there’s a few things you can do. First you could work to improve yourself and make the world a better place. That’s probably the most
effective approach, eventually, but the problem is that it’s hard, and I don’t like things that are hard. (light piano music) Because when you do things that are hard, you have to feel bad now so
that you can feel good later. And I don’t want to feel good later, I want to feel good now. And if you want to feel good now, well, you have a couple options. The first is of course to do drugs. And I’ve tried that,
I spent most of my 20s on the threshold of
alcoholism, but it turns out that’s not a cute look
for me, it’s not my vibe, so what I do now when I
feel the darkness coming is what any respectable woman would do, I take a Xanax and lie on
the floor for a couple hours. Is that a pea under my
mattress, your majesty? Or is it another Xanax I
left under the throw rug? Now the problem with doing drugs is that when the drugs wear
off, you feel bad again. In fact, you probably feel worse. So where do we go from here? Well, how about music? When you feel bad, you want
to listen to sad music, because sad music makes you
cry, and crying feels good. It’s like an orgasm for sad people. And why settle for less
than the official meme-song of sadness, “The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel, you know… I’m pretty sure there’s another
Xanax under this throw rug. ♪ Hello darkness my old friend ♪ But in the memes you only
hear the first 10 seconds of the song, you only hear
“hello darkness my old friend.” And that’s a very sad
first 10 seconds of a song, which is good, because
if you’re making songs for sad people, it’s
important to establish your sadness cred up front. Because sad people don’t like happy songs. When you’re sad, happy songs make you feel like you’re being bullshitted. So we’re 10 seconds into the song, “hello darkness my old friend,” the key is D# minor,
the saddest of all keys. But when we get to the next line, “because a vision softly
creeping,” something happens. Let’s listen. ♪ Come to talk with you again ♪ ♪ Because a vision softly creeping ♪ (gasps) What was that? Suddenly a major chord, an
unsuspected burst of sunlight through the clouds, and
every peach fuzz hair on the back of my biologically female neck stands on end, hello light! So the song has enticed
me with the promise of company for misery, and then it has tricked me into feeling good. And that’s what I like about art, it takes the standard
disappointments and humiliations of life and cooks them into something worth getting off the floor for. Unfortunately I don’t really
play music much anymore because my hands are too
beautiful for instruments and my singing voice sounds like a man. So all I really have left
is what any aspiring artist with no talent turns to, comedy. And I especially like dark comedy, you know, comedy that’s
about the things in life that are the most painful. To me, dark humor is
kind of like a sad song, it takes your worst feelings,
traumas, and anxieties, and twists them into a source of pleasure. And don’t all the finest
pleasures come from pain? (moans) A lot of the time that
means joking about topics that in ordinary life
are considered taboo, you know, sadness, fascism,
sexual deviation, cults. Without the ability to joke and make fun of my own experiences of
self-loathing, substance abuse, gender dysphoria, I mean I’d probably be on the floor right now
looking for that Xanax. But this puts me in a kind
of difficult situation, because I want to defend
my sense of humor, which I feel is like the
core of my personality and what keeps me alive. But at the same time, I’ve
noticed that a lot of the people in our culture who are really
big on defending provocative, controversial, politically
incorrect comedy are kind of… dicknuggets? Let’s discuss this, and by discuss I mean you sit quietly and I
will tell you what to think. Two, Dicknuggets. So the year 2016 had
just begun, and already the most 2016 possible
thing was happening. Ricky Gervais, an irreverent
bad boy atheist comedian, was ranting on Twitter for days and days about how stupid it is that
people are offended by things. This is pretty standard for Ricky Gervais, a man whose personal branding screams “I don’t care about your feelings, “I know what it’s like to be
persecuted for my beliefs, “I’m too much of a badass rebel “to care what minorities think.” But in January 2016 Ricky
was having an extra badass, irreverent, not-caring-about-your-feelings
kind of month. Why? Because he’d just hosted the Golden Globes and upset a bunch of
people by telling jokes about old tranma Caitlyn Jenner. – But as I say, I’m gonna be
nice tonight, I’ve changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously. – That’s cutting-edge
material there, Rick. Very irreverent, very rebellious,
very bad boy atheist, ooh. I mean I do wish he wouldn’t
deadname trans people on stage, but honestly the joke
wasn’t even as transphobic as a lot of the stuff I’ve just
come to expect from comics. Still, I’m sure Twitter had a
thing or two to say about it, and Ricky spent the rest
of the month tweeting about how offending
people is good actually, and how he definitely doesn’t care that people were offended. But clearly, Twitter got to him, because two years later he
opened his Netflix special with a 13-minute bit
rehashing the incident and doing a series of even
more irreverent jokes. – ‘Cause I’ve always
identified as a chimp, right? Well, I am a chimp, if I say
I’m a chimp, I am a chimp. Pre-op, but…
(audience laughing) Don’t ever deadname me. Don’t ever call me Ricky Gervais again. From now on you call me Bobo. (sighs) – Does he also identify
as an attack helicopter? Does he realize he’s doing
a meme from 2014 onstage in a $20 million comedy special? My issue with this joke is that, apart from being extremely
passe and overdone, it also doesn’t make sense
unless you ignorantly believe that trans women are delusional men, and even then, it’s just not very funny. But am I offended by the joke? Well, I think that it’s
ignorant, misinformed, unoriginal, and not very funny, and as a great comedian named
Ricky Gervais once said, “to me, an ‘offensive’
joke is one that’s lame, “badly delivered and not funny enough.” So by that measure, yes, I’d say this “I identify as a chimp”
bit is pretty offensive. But I’m not bringing
this old controversy up because I’m offended. I’m bringing it up because
it’s just an arbitrary example of a cycle that it seems
like our culture repeats about once a week. Somebody makes a joke, some
people are offended by the joke, and other people are
indignant about the fact that those people are offended. The cycle usually gets framed
as a battle in a culture war that’s supposedly going on
between generation snowflake, easily triggered, humorless PC cucks, and badass, edgy, nothing-off-limits free-speech truth tellers. Now if this really is a
culture war between two sides, then I am a double agent, because
I’m a generation snowflake PC cuck who loves dank edgy memes, and I’ve found myself on both sides of this type of conflict many, many times. So on the one hand,
when I see the internet roasting a comedian for
some shitty trans joke, my inner snowflake wants
to watch the bastard burn. But my inner edgelady knows how it feels to be dragged across Twitter over a joke. And as someone who basically writes jokes about controversial topics for a living, I appreciate how difficult it is to maintain the mildly
sadomasochistic character of comedy while also keeping your moral compass from getting too jittery. So what I want to try to do
is step away from the heat of these social media battles
and try to abstract from them some more general philosophical questions. What is the purpose of comedy? What is it that makes comedy good or bad? Does good comedy punch up
and speak truth to power? Does it bring light to some
aspect of the human condition? Is it, as Aristotle said, “the imitation “of worse than average men?” Or is it just anything anyone
laughs at for whatever reason? Well, I don’t think there’s
a single objective answer, I mean, comedy’s pretty subjective. But we can probably reach
some kind of understanding by discussing this, right? And by we, again I do mean me. The rest of you can keep
your goddamn mouths shut. Three, Strawmen. So, as a trans woman up here discussing why I don’t think Ricky
Gervais’s trans jokes are funny, a lot of haters and losers out there are probably gonna try to strawman me. Did you just assume the
strawperson’s gender? (groans) Cis people have like two trans jokes and they’re both so bad. Here’s the strawpersons, assholes. Strawperson one, “you hate free speech “and are trying to silence comedians.” I’m not trying to silence anyone. Comedians can say whatever
they want onstage, and I can say whatever I want about them. Strawperson two. “You just can’t take the
heat when the joke’s on you.” I transitioned on YouTube,
making controversial political content all the
while, and I read the comments. My heat-taking capacity is
among the highest of all time. Of course, I do now have the
internalized self-loathing that has damaged my psyche irreparably, but sweetie, who doesn’t? Strawperson three. “You think no one should be allowed “to joke about trans people.” I invented joking about trans people. Ever heard of the mouthfeel? I’m that tran. That’s right, if I die
tomorrow, my legacy will be that I applied wine tasting
terminology to fellatio, and I accept my destiny. Look, half my job is telling
jokes about trans people. I live for trans jokes. I just don’t think cis people
are very good at telling them, because they don’t know
enough about trans people to know what the funny things are. And being transgender is honestly the perfect topic for comedy. Like, you used to live as one gender, and then you became a different gender. Every single thing about
that is absolutely hilarious. But humor is in the
details, and Ricky Gervais does not know the details,
because he’s clearly never been close to a trans person, and that’s why he’s still telling these tinkertoy 2015 Caitlyn Jenner jokes. And it’s too bad, cause I’m
actually starving over here for good trans comedy, and I
mean the real dark stuff too, I’m not talking about trans Rachel on the timeline calling her
hormones titty skittles. No, I like the edgy stuff,
I like being on the edge. Hi, my name is Natalie Wynn,
and I enjoy edging. (laughs) Now, there is one recent
work of trans comedy that I’d like to share with you, because when you’re doing art criticism it helps to have positive as
well as negative examples, and the exemplary work I have in mind is one that not a lot of
people are talking about yet, but which I have no qualms placing in the same company as
the works Dante or Swift. I am of course referring to
“My Sperm Bank Experience” by Gigi Gorgeous. If you don’t know who Gigi is, first of all, who even are you, do you have no respect for legends? She’s a trans YouTuber,
like the trans YouTuber, whose classic works
such as “MY HEMORRHOIDS” and “I HAD SEX WITH A DOG”
long ago cemented her status as a comedy icon. But in this critic’s
opinion, the crown jewel of Gigi’s oeuvre is without a
doubt the singular masterpiece “My Sperm Bank Experience.” Let’s do a close reading. Four, Gigi’s Sperm Bank Experience. A great work of literature
is never just a text. It is also what the theorist
Jean-Jacques Visage de Poisson would call “a moment within
an intertextual dialectic.” Love that! Let us therefore place
“My Sperm Bank Experience” within its proper context. Several months earlier,
Gigi had released a video about how she and her girlfriend were trying to have a child,
so far without success, and so they went to a
fertility specialist. Apparently Gigi was not aware that taking feminizing hormones can make you sterile, which girl, they tell you like seven times before you start hormones, like how? We’ll move past it. A few months later, the notification for “My Sperm Bank Experience”
shows up on my phone, ’cause that’s right, I clicked the bell, and immediately I knew I
was about to experience something special. The thumbnail for this
video is so much greater than anything I’ve ever conceived of that honestly it makes
me feel like a failure, both as a YouTuber and as a woman. The sperm donation cup is
labeled with Gigi’s signature, the i’s are dotted with hearts. And her facial expression. Ew. Cum. The video begins with Gigi explaining that in order to produce
a sample for the clinic, she had to stop taking
hormones for three months. – So I hesitantly agreed, I was like fine, I will stop all of my
hormones so you know, my shit can get juicy again and I can get a good little sample up in here. – The sperm bank day arrives,
she goes to the clinic, and approaches the receptionist. – And I said, “yes ma’am. “I am here to give sperm
from me to be frozen now.” – The doctor arrives and
leads her to the exam room, which she describes with the
precision of Mama Flaubert. – I walk into this room. Fluorescent lighting the house. I was like, I can see
every pore in my arm, like Jesus, what do they want me do here? And then the kicker,
this like leather couch, the back is kind of like
angled, so I guess like you can lean and really
get into it or something. – The doctor offers her
lubrication, pornography if needed, and a donation cup. Gigi closes the door and gets to work. – I get in the mood, I get in the zone, and I’m killing it bitch,
I am like I’m gonna give the best sample ever, my kid
is gonna be a godsent child. Before I know it, the
moment has crept up on me and happened, and it’s been so long that it hits the wall behind me. – And it’s at this moment that
glam goddess Gigi Gorgeous gets up off the leather
couch and attempts to scrape a prodigious quantity of Gigi jism off the wall of a
fluorescent-lit exam room in a desperate final
bid to become a mother. – And I took the cup and I was like full-on scraping it off
the wall because I was like I’m not gonna let any
little drop go to waste, you know, I’m here,
this is like my moment. – I’m trying to understand why this video makes me laugh so much. It’s really the contrast
of style and substance. Like it wouldn’t be funny
if a masculine person told this story. It’s funny because Gigi has this peak female storytelling style and this Real Housewives diction, but then the story
itself is about blasting a giant load onto the wall of a room full of leather and pornography. The dissonance between
form and content is genius. And that dissonance perfectly captures the absurdity of being transgender, with a comedic incisiveness
that Ricky Gervais could only dream of. I also really relate to this story because right before I started hormones, I decided to freeze a sample of my own, so I too have had a sperm bank experience. And it was exactly like Gigi
describes down to every detail. It is not a dignified moment, ladies, there is just no way to feel like a woman while you’re hastily rubbing one out in an overlit room designed
for men to ejaculate in. I feel so fish right now! (gags) For those five minutes in
that exam room, I was a man. Now, I somehow managed
to get most of my sample into the cup, but there’s
a different absurd detail to my story. The receptionist at the sperm
bank saw on my paperwork that I was depositing
because I was going to start feminizing hormones, and he asked me if there was a name I
preferred he call me. In retrospect, he was
actually really sweet, and really cute, not
that anything was gonna come of that at the time,
cause I was pre-everything and rough around the edges. Be honest, I was all edges. But he asked me for my preferred name and I just blurted out Natalie. And so this was actually the first time anyone ever called me
by my biological name, and it went like this. The receptionist at the sperm
bank turned to me and said, “right this way, Natalie, here’s a cup “for you to bust a nut in.” And that’s how my life as a woman began. (gags) Now in the end, Gigi’s story
is actually pretty tragic. Her sample wasn’t usable. She wanted to have a
child with her own DNA, but she’s been on hormones
too long and she just can’t. And that revelation at
the end of the video kind of re-contextualizes
how you see the whole story. In this ridiculous image
of Gigi scraping ejaculate off the wall, I now see
this primal maternal urge to produce and protect children, I see a mother bird
whose chicks have fallen prematurely from the nest,
I see the Virgin Mary cradling her child. – I really really thought
that I was gonna have a good sample and I was gonna be able to participate in having
a baby with my DNA, but it’s just not in the cards for me, and I really wanted to make this video more positive and funny, because
there’s nothing I can do. – And that’s exactly it. That is the darkness. Five, The Darkness. The darkness is my name
for what I consider the highest form of comedy, where you take your own worst feelings,
traumas, and anxieties, and twist them into a source of pleasure. The darkness is Richard
Pryor running down the street in flames because he set himself on fire in a coke-fueled psychosis. The darkness is Gigi
Gorgeous scraping her own prodigious jism off the
wall of an exam room in a desperate bid to save
her chance at motherhood. If you can make these low points funny, then you’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna survive. You’re gonna make it through life. And I need that now more than ever. Because trans experience is,
in a lot of ways, pretty dark. But trans people make it through, because we’re good-humored
and strong as fuck. Pretty soon I’m gonna
have to stop hormones before an operation, and
I’m terrified of that. What’s gonna happen to
me when I stop hormones, am I gonna become a man again? ‘Cause I don’t know if I can handle that. I am thinking about names though. Like maybe Nathan? Or Jayden? I can see myself as a Jayden. See, I’ve gotta have my little jokey-jokes or I don’t think I could
make it through this. Like when I have bottom surgery, I am absolutely going to
constantly refer to it as “my sex-change operation,”
because it makes me laugh, it brings me joy. Calling it “gender confirmation
surgery” brings me no joy. Now it’s important to
notice that just because it doesn’t make me laugh doesn’t mean it’s a politically correct euphemism. “Gender confirmation”
is a more accurate term than “sex change,” because
you’re literally not changing your sex, that’s
not what surgery does. But edgy people have their own
kind of political correctness where they mistake edginess
for honesty, accuracy, and directness, and these
are very different things. For example, George
Carlin has a classic bit about euphemisms that
has some great moments, but also some moments
that are way off base, for example, content
warning, ableist slur. – They say they’re going to
pre-board those passengers in need of special assistance. Cripples!
(audience laughing) Simple, honest, direct language! – So look, I understand
the aesthetic preference for simple, honest, direct language, and the repulsion toward
verbose, bureaucratic jargon. That’s why so much of the
rest of this bit is so good. But the word he just
used is literally a slur, so I wonder if what
you’re being honest about is your feelings toward disabled people. Because the phrase “passengers in need “of special assistance”
is a little wordy, sure, but in this situation it’s
actually more accurate since it also includes
the elderly, the pregnant, anyone in need of assistance boarding. So I call my gender confirmation surgery “getting a sex change,” not
because it’s more direct and honest, but specifically because it’s inaccurate and outdated,
and that makes me laugh, not because I’m fearless truth-teller, but because I’m a bad person. And I get to call it “my
sex-change operation,” but cis people don’t get to call it that, because it’s my darkness, not yours. Get your own darkness. When Ricky Gervais jokes
about trans people, he’s being a hack, because he
knows nothing of our darkness. And when someone tries
to joke about something that they’re totally ignorant of, the result is usually clumsy,
awkward, and not very funny. What I’d really like to
see is if Ricky Gervais took that irreverent bad boy derisiveness and turned it within. Because within is where the darkness lies. Six, Self-Deprecation. Self-deprecating humor
is my personal favorite, because as a lazy, selfish,
preening attention whore who looks like a slightly
more passable Ann Coulter with the voice of tropical bird, there’s a lot material here to work with. But especially when it
comes to these trans jokes, there is a faction of the trans community that is not amused by the buffoonery that goes on on this channel. I think the objection
to it is best summed up by the comic Hannah Gadsby,
who in her stand-up special Nanette said that when self-deprecation comes from someone who
exists in the margins– – It’s not humility, it’s humiliation. – And to be honest, I felt
a little called out by that. – I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak. – And she’s not wrong, like
that is how this works. In order to gain an
audience as a trans person, you have to demonstrate
what cis people call “self-awareness.” That is, you have to signal
that you see yourself the way the audience sees you, which can mean looking at yourself with a pretty merciless gaze. And of course I’m happy to do that because I have no
self-respect and laughter is the only way to numb the pain. (laughs) But the terrible thing
about being a not-normal with an audience is that
don’t you don’t just get to be yourself, because whether you like it or not, people will see you as a representative of
the community. (groans) So because of that responsibility,
which I never asked for, I have to balance out the self-deprecation with a lot of positive
messaging about my people. And that way, the dark jokes function as a spoonful of sugar to help
the feminine penis go down. But even without the group
representation issue, it definitely is possible to
take self-deprecation too far. As I’ve said, I have been diagnosed with an incurable edginess of temperament, and I sometimes do feel suffocated by the safe-space rules
of a lot of trans spaces, even though those spaces
are there for good reason and a lot of people need them. But sometimes this
atmosphere of everything and everyone is valid all the time, no uncomfortable questions may be asked, any self-deprecation
is a sign of traumatic internalized bigotry, I just
need to get out of there for a while and find a
place where I can relax and be my edgy self. I need a safe-space for my edginess, where I can just blurt out
whatever stupid question or joke that comes to
mind without being afraid that I’m going to inflict horrible trauma on everyone around me. So I call up another transsexual edgelady, you know, kiki, accuse each
other of being crossdressers, and just laugh it all off. And it’s so, so cathartic to do that. But it has to be done in moderation, because can come a point where you’re picking at the wound
instead of numbing it. And it mostly has to be done in private, because in public, you have to worry about how cis people will interpret it, and so you have to find a
way to be self-deprecating without abandoning all
social responsibility. (groans) If there was ever phrase
that instantly deadens all laughter, it’s
“social responsibility.” But since it’s kind of the central topic of the comedy culture
war, I should probably say something about it,
even though, believe me, I’d much rather go back to
jabbering about my sex change. Seven, The Eternal Tension. So what is a comedian’s job? What is a comedian supposed to do? I suppose my ideal comedian is one who is perfectly able
to balance the tension between shitposting and snowflakery. And this is an eternal tension,
and must never be resolved. It is a tightrope I have
devoted my life to walking. See, if the tension collapses
into pure snowflakery, you get a moralist, who might
say that a comedian’s purpose is to promote justice by punching up, by speaking truth to power,
by exposing the flaws of bigoted mindsets and so on. And these are all very admirable goals, but they leave out what I think is the essential purpose of
comedy, which is to be funny, to surprise, to shock,
to make people laugh. It’s kind of like how
some art and media critics only ever evaluate a work
based on whether or not it’s socially progressive,
and don’t seem to really think about aesthetic pleasure very much, which to me is the reason why
art exists in the first place. But then again, I am a
hedonistic bourgeois decadent and should probably be sent
to the guillotine at once. Just let me do my makeup first so that when they hold my head up,
everyone can see my beat and their wigs all fly to the Bastille. Also someone please post
the video to my Instagram, ’cause that’s gonna get
a lot of engagement. So the opposite of the pure snowflake is the pure shitposter, who
might say a comedian’s purpose is to make the audience
laugh by any means necessary. But that seems kind of
barbaric since like, if a guard at a prison
camp is torturing an inmate and the other guards are laughing, does that count as comedy? Is a war crime funny? Well, according to the Geneva
Convention, it’s hilarious. The thing is, I don’t think many comedians actually believe in a
completely nihilistic vision of comedy. I think they sometimes pretend to when they’re trying to evade criticism. I mean, take even the
edgiest of white guy comics and listen to way they
talk about their heroes, Lenny Bruce or George Carlin. There’s always an element of admiration for bravery, risk,
subversion, truth-telling. In other words there’s a concern there for what is virtuous and what is true, not just for what makes people laugh. So maybe before we can even
talk about what’s funny, we have to have a level
of shared agreement about what is true and
what is morally right. My objection to Ricky
Gervais’s trans jokes is not just that they’re not funny. I think that he’s wrong
about trans people, and I think his ignorance is infectious. I think he’s stirring up bigoted
sentiments in his audience, which has the consequence
of making the world slightly scarier for people like me. And this is edginess at its worst, just a privileged person with a platform punching down at a
politically besieged group he understands nothing about. And that’s what happens when
the snowflake/shitpost tension collapses into pure shitposting. It’s boring and immature. Like when someone says he
wants to watch the world burn. You only get to watch when
you have the privilege of not being on fire. It’s edgy, but it’s not the darkness. The darkness is finding a way
to laugh about being on fire. Edginess is always adolescent. The darkness is edginess
aged by time and pain. And it’s only at that full
maturity that comedy becomes art, that it becomes comparable to music. So, those are my thoughts,
like, comment, and subscribe, the end. Fine, I’ll sing the song. (film reel whirring) I wish my brother George was here. (solemn piano music) ♪ Hello darkness my old friend ♪ ♪ I’ve come to talk with you again ♪ ♪ Because a vision softly creeping ♪ ♪ Left its seeds while I was sleeping ♪ ♪ And the vision that
was planted in my brain ♪ ♪ Still remains ♪ ♪ Within the sound of silence ♪ ♪ In restless dreams I walked alone ♪ ♪ Narrow streets of cobblestone ♪ ♪ ‘Neath the halo of a street lamp ♪ ♪ I turned my collar
to the cold and damp ♪ ♪ When my eyes were stabbed
by the flash of a neon light ♪ ♪ That split the night ♪ ♪ And touched the sound of silence ♪ ♪ And in the naked light I saw ♪ ♪ 10,000 people, maybe more ♪ ♪ People talking without speaking ♪ ♪ People hearing without listening ♪ ♪ People writing songs
that voices never share ♪ ♪ And no one dared ♪ ♪ Disturb the sound of silence ♪ Stay gorgeous. (laughs)

Watch Out – Cartman Has Anxiety – South Park


All right, can I take
your order? Excuse me.
What would you like sir? Can you wait?
Isn’t that your job? Aren’t you a waiter? Hey, could you turn your phone
down kid, this is a restaurant? It just so happens
I have anxiety. That means I have trouble
being around assholes who won’t leave me alone. Oh, hello Eric. Shut up, I have anxiety. Hey kid. Hey kid! I’m on my phone! You’re about to get hit
by a car. All right, that’s it.
Everyone stop the (bleep).
Stop right now! Listen up people,
I have anxiety. That means I’m in my shell and have a hard time
expressing myself. I find it difficult
to engage with others, so everyone shut the
(bleep) up, because my anxiety
is up here right now.

President Trump: “I Like To Obey The Law”


>>WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE
LATE SHOW. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S JUST OUR SECOND SHOW OF 2020. AND SO FAR, WE’RE NOT DOING TOO
WELL ON THE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION OF “DON’T GO TO WAR
WE’VE BEEN WAITING ON PINS AND NEEDLES TO SEE HOW IRAN WOULD
RESPOND. IT’S LIKE OUR COUNTRY HAS SENT
AN IMPULSIVE LATE-NIGHT TEXT, AND NOW WE’RE STARRING AT THOSE
THREE LITTLE DOTS. THIS MORNING, A TOP IRANIAN
SECURITY OFFICIAL REVEALED THE COUNTRIES THAT DRAWN UP 13
SCENARIOS TO RETALIATE– ALSO KNOWN AS AN AYATOLLAH’S DOZEN. U.S. OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY
CONCERNED THAT IRAN COULD TRY TO STRIKE A HIGH-LEVEL AMERICAN
LEADER. WELL, I DON’T KNOW WHO THE
EQUIVALENT OF SOLEIMANI WOULD BE IN THE UNITED STATES. WHO WOULD IT HAVE TO BE? IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A WELL-KNOWN
MILITARY LEADER WHO IS A NATIONAL SYMBOL OF SECURITY AND
STABILITY. OH, MY GOD! IT’S THE GENERAL! GET OUT OF THERE, SIR! TRUMP ISN’T REAL HAPPY ABOUT
IRAN NOT BEING REAL HAPPY WITH HIM, AND HE SHOWED THAT TODAY
WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRIME MINISTER OF GREECE FOR A VERY
GRUMPY EPISODE OF: “CHAIR CHAT!>>Stephen: TRUMP WAS ASKED
ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE OUT SOLEIMANI, AND HE HAD NO
REGRETS.>>HE WAS TRAVELING WITH THE
HEAD OF HEZBOLLAH. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO DISCUSS A
VACATION. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO GO TO A
NICE RESORT SOMEPLACE IN BAGHDAD.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“AND THAT’S WHY WE BLEW HIM UP, BECAUSE HE WASN’T STAYING AT ONE
OF MY HOTELS.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AFTER GETTING CRITICIZED FOR
THREATENING TO ATTACK IRAN’S CULTURAL SITES, TRUMP WALKED IT
BACK… KIND OF SORT OF.>>THEY ARE ALLOWED TO KILL OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MAIM OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BLOW UP
EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE, AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT STOPS
THEM, AND WE ARE, ACCORDING TO VARIOUS LAWS, SUPPOSED TO BE
VERY CAREFUL WITH THEIR CULTURAL HERITAGE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THAT IS WHAT THE LAW IS, I
LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW.( AS TRUMP )
“I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW, JUST ASK PAUL MANAFORT OR MICHAEL
COHEN. IF THEY EVER GET OUT OF FEDERAL
PRISON, THEY WILL VOUCH FOR ME. THOSE TWO GUYS– THEY’RE GONNA,
THEY’RE GONNA… WITH THE GREEK PRIME MINISTER
SITTING BESIDE HIM, TRUMP ALSO PRAISED AMERICANS OF GREEK
HERITAGE.>>WE HAVE A TREMENDOUS GREEK
POPULATION, OVER THREE MILLION PEOPLE, AS I UNDERSTAND IT. THAT’S FANTASTIC. I REALLY FEEL I KNOW MOST OF
THEM. I THINK I KNOW ALL OF THEM, COME
TO THINK OF IT.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I KNOW EVERYONE FROM GREECE: RIZZO. FRENCHY. DANNY ZUKO. ♪ TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE ♪ DID YOU GET VERY FAR? TELL ME MORE
♪ TELL ME MORE LIKE, DOES HE HAVE A CAR? ♪ UH-HUH, UH-HUH
UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>COME ON, MAN. GET INTO IT!>>Stephen: SO THINGS ARE BAD
WITH IRAN, BUT DON’T WORRY, THINGS ARE ALSO BAD WITH IRAQ. ON SUNDAY, IRAQ’S PARLIAMENT
VOTED TO EXPEL AMERICAN TROOPS. SO IRAQ SAID, “GET OUT.” AND THE PENTAGON WAS LIKE… OKAY. EVIDENTLY, BECAUSE YESTERDAY WE
FOUND OUT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT SENT IRAQ A LETTER SAYING THEY
WERE REPOSITIONING OUR FORCES FOR MOVEMENT OUT OF IRAQ. BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE
RELEASE OF THAT LETTER, OUR TOP GENERAL SAID THE LETTER
SUGGESTING THE U.S. WOULD WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ WAS A
“MISTAKE.” OOPSA-TROOPSY! THE PAYING SAYS THE COPY OF THE
ENSIGNED LETTER LEAKED TO THE PRESS WAS A DRAFT. IT WAS NEVER SENT AS A FORMAL
MEMORANDUM. YOU CAN’T SEND SOMEONE A LETTER
OF THAT MAGNITUDE AND THEN SAY IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING. IT’S LIKE SAYING, “HONEY, THAT
BREAKUP EMAIL WAS FROM MY DRAFTS FOLDER. NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, WITH THIS
RING, I THEE WED.”

Trump Threatens War Crimes Against Iran: A Closer Look


-Well, it looks like
2020 is off to a great start. For more on this,
it’s time for “A Closer Look.” [ Theme music plays ] [ Cheers and applause ] I’m just [Bleep] with you.
2020 is already the worst. [ Laughter ] The sky in Australia
is blood red, thanks to a climate crisis; Republicans are trying to rig
the impeachment trial; and the president is threatening
more crimes on Twitter. We’re less than a week
into 2020. The world is like
your friend who tells you this is the year he’s going to
quit drugs and take up yoga, and then, on January 6th, you see him trying to
sell his mat for crack. [ Laughter ] I mean, we should have at least
been able to come together and enjoy the Patriots getting
knocked out of the playoffs, and the first round at home. [ Cheers and applause ] I mean, finally, Bill Belichick
was as sad as his outfit. For a guy who’s supposed to be
good at clock management, he always looks like he woke up
five minutes before game time. And you know, we couldn’t even
take 24 hours to savor that small victory, because the president
spent the weekend threatening war crimes
against Iran after ordering the assassination
of a top Iranian general and then, in Orwellian fashion, claiming he did it
to stop a war. -Breaking news this morning. The U.S. has carried out
the assassination of a top Iranian military and
intelligence commander. The president ordered this. It was carried out by drone
last night in Iraq. -His name was Qasem Soleimani. He was Iran’s
top military commander. -I went to a State Department
briefing today, a background briefing,
and the officials basically said the ball is in Iran’s court, and
we are trying to de-escalate. Actually, one official said this
was an act of de-escalation. -We took action last night
to stop a war. We did not take action
to start a war. -Trump thinks we can’t accuse
him of rushing into a war if he reads his TelePrompTer
super slowly. [ Laughter ] You can’t just kill a top
general of a sovereign nation and call it de-escalation.
That’s like getting drunk and driving your car
into a Kmart and then telling the cops,
“I did it to stop my car.” [ Laughter ] Trump and his allies are lying
in the exact same ways the Bush administration
lied us into a catastrophic war in Iraq nearly 17 years ago, and the exact same people
are doing it. After the attack Fox News
decided to turn to their stable of
lumpy white guys who have been wrong
about anything, like Lindsey Graham, a champion
of the Iraq war, and former Bush officials
and serial liars Ari Fleischer and Karl Rove. Why are these
the best experts we can get? This is like doing a segment
on organizing music festivals and interviewing
Billy McFarland and Ja Rule. And the same people are
trotting out the same lies they did 17 years ago.
For example, Vice President Mike Pence lied and tried to link Soleimani
to 9/11 in a tweet that was not supported
by the evidence. And if that sounds
familiar to you, it’s because it’s right out of the playbook of George W. Bush
and Donald Rumsfeld, who repeatedly linked
Saddam Hussein to al-Qaeda and
other terrorist groups without providing any evidence. -The reason I keep insisting
that there was a relationship between Iraq and Saddam
and al-Qaeda — because there was a relationship
between Iraq and al-Qaeda. -There are reports
that there is no evidence of a direct link
between Baghdad and some of these
terrorist organizations. -Reports that say
that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me because, as we know,
there are known knowns. There are things
we know we know. We also know
there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there
are some things we do not know. But there are also
unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know
we don’t know. -Excuse me, but is this
an unknown unknown? [ Laughter ] -I’m not —
-There are several unknowns — -I’m not going to say
which it is. -Oh, you’re not going to say,
so it’s unknown whether it’s
an unknown unknown. But one known that we do know
is what Trump knows, which is a known unknown, because he un-knows
what he doesn’t know. Meaning we know
he knows no knowns. [ Laughter ]
It’s amazing. [ Cheers and applause ] It’s amazing that we found a way to elect people who think
these guys have the right idea. It’s like if, 17 years from now, someone made a movie
called “Cats 2” — this time with genitals. [ Laughter ] So, Pence lied, just like
Bush and Rumsfeld lied. But, hey, at least
this isn’t the first time Mike Pence has been wrong about a disastrous war
in the Middle East. -I am here to report, as the United States military
confirmed in Iraq on Monday, weapons of mass destruction
have been found in Iraq. -It’s fitting
that 16 years later, Pence is telling the same lies, because 16 years later,
he looks the exact same. I mean, I’m pretty sure
he’s just a stock-photo businessman
come to life. When he takes off his shirt, it says “Getty Images”
across his chest. [ Laughter and applause ] So, the Trump administration
tried to link Soleimani to 9/11. They also claimed they were
stopping an imminent threat. But if that’s true,
they haven’t presented any evidence of that threat
to Congress or the public. In fact, a “The New York Times”
reporter tweeted that the evidence
for such a threat was razor-thin.
And “The times” also wrote that national security experts
and even other officials at the Pentagon
said they were unaware of anything drastically new
about Iranian behavior in recent weeks.
But that’s not good enough for “Fox & Friends”
host Ainsley Earhardt, who said today that we just
have to trust the intelligence agencies.
-So interesting that people are critical
of the president’s decisions, of our intelligence community’s
decisions, our generals’ decisions.
-They want details. -General Tata said —
Well, they can’t have it. They can’t —
Everything can’t be made public. We heard Pompeo
over the weekend saying, “Everything that we have, the
intelligence community has” — he said, “I ran the CIA
at one point. We can’t release everything. We can’t release all of our
intelligence information. We’ll release as much as we can, but you just have to
trust us, basically.” -Oh, we just have to trust them? I’m sorry, but I’m not inclined
to trust an administration that lies about everything,
even the most dumbest thing. Let’s not forget, this is
the same guy who literally drew a circle on an official
weather map, in Sharpie, to claim that Alabama was
going to get hit by a hurricane and then pretended he had
no idea how it got there. Can you imagine if Trump
actually tries to present
some evidence against Iran? [ As Trump ]
“I have it right here — the top-secret
intelligence briefing that proves I was right. It says, ‘Iran bad,’
right there.” [ Laughter ] “Right there.”
[ Applause ] [ Normal voice ]
So, there you go. You heard “Fox & Friends.” We have to trust our
intelligence agencies. I wonder, though, if she felt
the same way back in May, when the intelligence agencies
were investigating Trump. What? No, she didn’t? Oh, and the next clip
proves it? Oh, why are you telling me?
You ruined the surprise. Alright, well,
let’s just show it anyway. -There was a Fox News poll,
and folks were asked how likely intelligence
agencies, like the FBI, broke the law
to investigate President trump. Look at that. 58% said “extremely,” “very,”
or “somewhat,” and only 31% said “not at all,”
so that just shows you — -And you get that number when
you add up the first three. -That’s pretty scary
that we can’t trust the FBI. -What?! We can’t? But that lady on the news
just a second ago said we can! [ Laughter ]
Wait a second! Oh, my God, one of two things
is happening here. Either Trump supporters are
self-serving hypocrites who defend intelligence agencies
when they want to bomb other countries,
but attack them when they investigate
the president’s crimes, or Ainsley Earhardt
has an evil twin! [ Laughter ] [ Suspenseful music plays ] [ Applause ] Now, if you’re
a Trump supporter out there, claiming anyone who opposes
this act of war is siding with the enemy,
let’s just remember, this is the same president
who literally said he and Kim Jong-un,
a brutal dictator who starves and tortures
his own people, quote, “fell in love because
of Kim’s beautiful letters.” Trump actually said that
about a brutal dictator. He sounds like a Southern belle
meeting suitors at a cotillion. “My dear Beauregard,
I fell in love with you after your beautiful letters.” [ Laughter ] I’m pretty sure most people hadn’t even heard
Soleimani’s name until recently, and that includes Trump himself,
who was asked about him in a radio interview in 2015 and
clearly had no idea who he was. -Are you familiar
with General Soleimani? -Yes. Go ahead.
Give me a little. Go ahead, tell me. -He runs the Quds Forces.
-Yes, okay. Right. -Do you expect —
-And I think the Kurds, by the way, have been harshly
mistreated by us. -No, not the Kurds,
the Quds Forces — the Iranian
Revolutionary Guard Quds Forces, the bad guys.
-Yes, right. -Do you expect his behavior
to change as a result — -Oh, I thought you said “Kurds.” -I love —
I love how Trump tried to pretend he knew who he was,
even though he clearly didn’t. “Do you know General Soleimani?” [ As Trump ] Yeah — No, I do. But I want to see
if you know who he is. [ Normal voice ]
Clearly, this was a reckless act
by an impulsive president who hasn’t thought through
any of the consequences. But a lot of people,
including prominent Democrats, are also asking, “Why now? Why would a president who’s
facing an impeachment trial, and mounting evidence
of his guilt suddenly start a war with Iran as he heads into
an election year. I wonder if 2011-2012
Donald Trump had anything to say about that when it came
to President Obama. -I say that he starts
a war in Iran before the election, which will make it very hard
for the Republican to win, okay? And I’ve said that,
and I predicted that. He doesn’t talk to anybody.
He’ll start a war. You know, lives will be wasted
for no reason. I happen to think
that the president is going to start
a war with Iran. I think it will be a short-term
popular thing to do, and I think he’s going to
do that for political reasons. Our president will start
a war with Iran because he has absolutely
no ability to negotiate. He’s weak, and he’s ineffective.
So the only way he figures that he’s going to
get re-elected, and as sure
as you’re sitting there, is to start a war with Iran. I believe
that he will attack Iran sometime prior to the election
because he thinks that’s the only way
he can get elected. Isn’t it pathetic?
-Yes, it is. The thing about Trump is
that he never tells the truth about himself in the present, but he always tells the truth
about himself like 10 years in advance. When he accuses people of
crossing the border illegally, that means, 10 years from now,
he’s going to get caught climbing over his wall,
trying to flee to Mexico. [ As Trump ] David, uh,
why did we make it so tall? [ Laughter ] [ Normal voice ] So,
it’s already terrifying that the president is
impulsively lurching into an unjust and unmoral war, and then, on Sunday,
he decided to go even further and threaten war crimes
against Iran with a truly psychotic tweet
that he genuinely thought counted as some sort of
official legal document. Here is the very real tweet the president
of the United States sent out on Sunday. “These media posts
will serve as notification to the United States Congress
that should Iran strike any
U.S. person or target, the United States will quickly
and fully strike back and perhaps in a
disproportionate manner. Such legal notice
is not required but is given nevertheless.”
That’s right. The same guy who brought you
such tweets as, “Robert Pattinson
should dump Kristen Stewart,” and, “I have never seen a thin
person drinking diet Coke,” now thinks his tweets serve as official
legal notice to Congress. I don’t think this tweet counts as legal notice to commit
an act of war, but I do think it counts as legal notice
to have you committed. That tweet sounds like something that could be scrawled
on the walls of a psych ward. “Let this serve
as a legal notice that I know you’re hiding pills
in my applesauce, and I will find them
and sue you for malpractice.” [ Applause ]
And by the way, threatening a disproportionate
response is a war crime, just like when Trump tweeted
the previous day that, “If Iran strikes any
Americans or American assets, we have targeted
52 Iranian sites, some at a very high level and important to Iran
and the Iranian culture. And those targets
and Iran itself will be hit
very fast and very hard.” First of all,
it’s not reassuring when the president tweets
in all caps like a lunatic who sees his ex-girlfriend
posting pictures of herself with another guy,
and texts her at 3:00 a.m., “Who is Brad?
Why are you in Cabo? I will hit him
very fast and very hard!” A war with Iran would be
unjust and immoral, cause mass death and suffering, and destabilize
the region and the world. And Trump obviously
hasn’t thought about, or doesn’t care about,
those consequences, because, by all accounts, he made this decision
impulsively, to the surprise of his own
top military officials. “The New York Times” reported
that they were stunned, flabbergasted, and alarmed
when trump chose the option of killing Soleimani. Apparently,
Trump’s military advisers put the option
on one PowerPoint slide to make the other options
seem more reasonable, not actually thinking
he would pick it. One briefing slide
shown to Trump listed several follow-up steps
the U.S. could take, among them targeting Soleimani. Unexpectedly,
Trump chose that option. Oh, oh, did Donald Trump
do the unexpected… [ Laughter ]
…instead of the reasonable? Did you guys
not get a briefing on him? You can’t expect
the reasonable choice from the guy who
stared into a eclipse, and when his umbrella
got caught, just left it on the stairs. [ Laughter and applause ] Congress must do
everything in its power to stop an unjust and immoral
war with Iran that will have
disastrous consequences. That’s why thousands of
protesters took to the streets over the weekend
in cities across the country to say no to war with Iran. We have an impulsive, lawless
president threatening war crimes, who thinks his tweets count
as official legal documents. You got to ask…
-Isn’t it pathetic? -This has been
“A Closer Look.” [ Theme music plays ]

Election Year Blues | Politics Are Not Funny | Pillow Talk TV


Guess what 2020 means? F*ck the past. A new decade.
All sins are forgiven! Language. 2020 is an election year. Shut your mouth… I mean. That means that… I know what that means. It is the worst possible thing ever. Everything is ruined now. Why so blue? Because it’s a goddamn motherf*cking
election year. Language. Incessant ads. Garbage candidates. Empty promises.
Friends turning on one another. And let’s not forget, a complete lack a moral decency. All of that is true. We mustn’t forget Trump. Language! I’m sorry. Just 2020 was supposed to be so special
and now everything is ruined. Science? I am not in the mood. Science dance? I said I’m not in the mood. An election year is a time of hope, a time of… Alright, let’s shift gears. An election year is a time of depression and agony. We as Americans are forced to pick sides. Turn on friends and family. All in the
name of the evil demon called democracy. Yes! You get me. How does one avoid losing all respect for family who vote for “that” candidate? It’s impossible. How does one shield themselves
from the onslaught of media? We must destroy our computers and our
televisions. Too soon. We must make smarter choices and avoid click bait. Exactly! We must stop engaging in social media arguments that end in deleted and
blocked profiles and shattered egos. Some of that is okay. Down with profiteering.
Let’s end big government. Wait! Wait wait wait wait wait.
Who’s show is this? What is going on here? You will not destroy 2020, ok! 420 is an entire month goddamnit. You’re ruining everything! Nobody’s ruining anything! You are! This is my show now. I win the election. Ow. Ow. In 2020, every 4:20 will be a mandatory smoke break. I’ve lost control. And the whole month of April will be forced vacation. She no longer respects my opinions. Tuesday nights, all men will have to cook dinner. Tacos. And Wednesday will forever be changed… Are you done? If I am elected host of the science show, Dan will forever do the experiments, And I will be the one laughing! Ha ha ha! I quit. I quit. Science! Pose.