The Politics of Branding, Meeting Obama & Trump’s First Year: The Daily Show


– This is a little something we decided to put together
to wrap up the year. The year is not over but uh, we’re all gonna die
so we figured why not just do this? It was a crazy year, 2017. Sexual harassment. Russians. Russians sexually
harassing the election something like that. (laughing) Now the Republicans
they gotta work hard. They gotta get rid
of Obamacare, right? Because they named it Obamacare. (laughing) That’s probably the most fun
thing about American politics for me is that half
of it is branding. That’s all it is. (laughing) The Republicans can’t
fix Obamacare because they named it Obamacare because if they fix it
then Obamacare works and they can’t
have Obamacare work but it’s not really Obamacare it’s the Affordable Care Act but they named it Obamacare ’cause they knew
when they said it their voters would
hear black medicine and they wouldn’t want that. (laughing) What they didn’t realize
is that black medicine can fix white
cancer and so now… (laughing) They’re in a sticky situation. (clapping) And all it is is branding. Obamacare is a genius,
genius name to give it because it doesn’t sound like
a national healthcare plan. Obamacare sounds like
you’re gonna hurt your knee and Barack’s gonna walk in
the room and kiss it better. That’s all it sounds like. Like you gonna be like, “Oh I think it’s broken.” He’s gonna come in like
“All right. Bring it in, uh bring it in.
Come on. Come on. Bring it in. (kissing noise) There you go. All right go on. Get outta here. Go on now.” That’s what it sounds like. Obamacare. It’s all branding. That’s really all it is. Political branding
and say what you want about the Republicans. They are brilliant at
political branding. Democrats. Nice people. Have no clue how to brand. (laughing) None whatsoever. Like they just throw
things against the wall. See what sticks. Resist. (laughing) What are we resisting? Everything. (laughing) Republicans know, you know? Every single issue they brand connects with you emotionally. You know, like gun control. Huh? They gonna
control your guns. I don’t even have a
gun and I’m like no. (laughing) Every issue. Pro-life or pro-choice.
That’s another one. That’s a powerful one. I remember the first time
someone asked me that. They were like Trevor are
you pro-life or pro-choice? I was like uh, both? (laughing) ‘Cause like that’s
a trick question. How do you say
you’re not pro-life? You’re an asshole.
That’s what you are. Are you pro-life? No I’m
not. No. I don’t like life. No, no life for me. I’ll have life on
the side thank you. No life. No. It’s a trick question. You’re an asshole. ‘Cause I am. I’m both. I believe that human beings
have the right to exist and I also believe that women
have the right to decide what happens on the
inside of their bodies. That’s what I believe. (cheering) All right? But it’s a slick move. It’s political branding. Yeah. Pro-life. You answered in the negative. You look like an asshole.
That’s what it is. It’s simple brand. Look I’ll give an example now. We can do it in this room. All the men in this
room raise your hand. If you identify as a
man, get your hand up. All the way up. All the way up. Hold it up there. Now only drop your hand if
you have stopped masturbating. (laughing) You see? You’re
like, uh, oh wait. Uhhhh. Uh I don’t want my wife
to think I’m a quitter. Uhhhh. That’s all it is. And ladies, the hand they
had up that’s the hand so, (laughing) branding is what got Republicans
in the sticky situation. That’s all it is. That’s how they got here. Yeah. But Obama did his thing, man. Barack Obama did his thing. He was smarter than people
gave him credit for. We got to interview the
President on the Daily Show which was really exciting. And obviously this was the
last year that America had its first and last
black president. You know? I remember when we got
a call, I got a call at the Daily Show
and they were like “Trevor would you
like to interview the President of the United States?” And I was like uh, do
you ask stupid questions? It’s like of course I want
to interview the President and we got to go
to the White House to interview Barack Obama. You know and we set everything
up in this special room. It’s literally opposite
the Oval Office. And we sit there and everything,
everything is steeped in history. Every piece is owned
by a former President and we’re all sitting there
waiting for the President to walk in and they don’t
give us an exact time, right? For his safety. They just gave us a window. Sorta like a cable guy. (laughing) We’re all watching the door
waiting for Barack to walk in and then he popped in behind us, scared the (bleep)
out of everybody. He was like uh hello. And we were like (screaming) ‘Cause there was another door. No one told us. Again. He just pops in and
he was really nice. He greeted everyone. He was like “Hello.
Everybody good? You guys good? How you doin’? Everybody good?
Camera guy? Sound guy? How you doin’? How you doin’?” And he turned, he looked at me he’s like “Uh Trevor, you good?” And I was like he knows my name. (laughing) I wanted to melt. Oh man. You should have seem it. He like floated over. (laughing) Yeah ’cause he didn’t walk. I don’t know. You don’t walk. You move
differently when you’ve got nuclear weapons. You know, you’ve
just got this thing. And he came over
and he sat down. He looked over at
me, he was like “Uh Trevor. You good?” I said I don’t know if
I’m good Mr. President. I’m a little bit
nervous right now. And he was like, “Uh come on. Why
are you nervous? Why are you nervous?” I said well ’cause I
don’t wanna mess up and bring a brother
down with me, you know? (laughing) He was like “Uh I don’t
mean know this Trevor, you can’t bring me down. I’m on my way out.’ (laughing) And he said it so cool as well. He was just like
“I’m on my way out.” And he was. He was
on his way out. Yeah. Next time we saw him was
the last time anyone saw him as President when he was
giving that final speech in Chicago. Gave that powerful speech. Stood up there at the lectern. Felt like his inauguration
all over again. He was like, “As Americans we gotta remember. That not every issue
was red or blue. That at times we
still gotta fight. We gotta fight for freedom. We gotta fight for liberty. We gotta fight for
the American dream. We gotta fight.” And the next time we saw
him we was kite surfing with Richard Branson. (laughing) I thought you said
we gonna fight? “I’m fighting these waves. You do you.”

Jimmy Kimmel Breaks Down Democratic Debate


[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THOSE OF YOU WHO WATCHED THE DEBATE EARLIER TONIGHT HERE ON ABC AND FORGOT TO TURN THE TELEVISION OFF, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US. YOU KNOW, TONIGHT WE WATCHED THE THIRD DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, THIS TIME FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS. IT WAS EXCITING, YOU KNOW, WATCH BEING THE CANDIDATE THE TACKLE ISSUES IS AS CLOSE AS WE GET TO FOOTBALL. THEY ALL TRIED TO STAND OUT AND AVOID BEING ELIMINATED UNDER EXTREME TIME PRESSURE IN A TELEVISED EVENT. NOW LET’S PUT 45 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK AND GO. THIS WAS A LARGE CAST OF CHARACTERS. TO HELP VIEWER KEEP TRACK OF WHO WAS WHO, ABC DID SOMETHING SPECIAL. ♪ THE ELECTION IS QUICKLY APPROACHING ♪ ♪ AND WE’VE GOT DECISIONS TO MAKE ♪ ♪ WITH SO MANY PEOPLE TO CHOOSE FROM ♪ ♪ WE DON’T WANT TO MAKE A MISTAKE ♪ ♪ WE CAN ONLY SEND ONE TO THE WHITE HOUSE ♪ ♪ AND THE OTHERS WILL HAVE TO GO HOME ♪ ♪ DEMS THE BREAKS ♪ ♪ YEAH, DEMS THE BREAKS ♪ ♪ WHOEVER GOES HOME WILL SAY DEMS THE BREAKS ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>>Jimmy: I WOULDN’T WATCH THAT SHOW. IT IS WEIRD THAT THEY PUT TEN CANDIDATES ON THE STAGE. HERE’S HOW, I’D PUT THE FOUR FRONT RUNNERS AT THE CENTER OF THE STAGE AND LET THE OTHER SIX DANGLE OFF THE STAGE BY THEIR FINGERTIPS. MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG WAS UP WAY PAST HIS BEDTIME. HE ALMOST DIDN’T MAKE IT TO THE DEBATE. YOU CAN SEE HE GOT STUCK IN THE CLAW MACHINE AT THE DAVE AND BUSTERS AT THE BAY BROOK MALL, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS ABLE TO FISH HIM OUT. THE MODERATORS TONIGHT WERE GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, DAVID MUIR AND JORGE RAMOS. THEY HIT THE CANDIDATES WITH ALL THE TOUGH QUESTIONS LIKE, IF ELECTED, HOW DO WE KNOW YOU WON’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’ROURKE SPEAK SPANISH DURING THE DEBATE. HE DID. WILL JOE BIDEN CHOKE ON HIS TEETH DURING THE DEBATE. HE ACTUALLY DID. JOE BIDEN DID, HE DID WELL TONIGHT. HE WAS FACING THE RIGHT DIRECTION. HIS PANTS WERE ON. IT WAS, IT WAS A GOOD OUTING FOR HIM. YOU KNOW, THERE WERE THREE WOMEN ON STAGE. IF ANY OF THESE WOMEN ARE ELECTED, IT WOULD BE HISTORIC, AND IF, IF BERNIE OR BIDEN WERE TO WIN, IT WOULD BE PREHISTORIC. BUT BERNIE WAS — [ APPLAUSE ] BECAUSE HE’S SO OLD IS WHAT I’M SAYING. THEIR AGE. BERNIE WAS VERY BERNIE TONIGHT. HE CAME RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE YELLING. HIS VOICE WAS CRAZY. IT SOUNDED LIKE HE SWALLOWED A FROG. HE WAS SCREAMING LOUDER THAN CAM NEWTON AT THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE. HE GAVE A STRONG WARNING TO GIVING AMERICANS AFFORDABLE THROAT LOZENGES.>>IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, WE ARE SPENDING TWICE AS MUCH PER CAPITA ON HEALTH CARE AS THE CANADIANS OR ANY OTHER MAJOR COUNTRY ON EARTH.>>Jimmy: HE HAD HIS TURN SIGNAL ON FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF. THAT WAS EMBARRASSING. I FELT BAD FOR HIM. [ APPLAUSE ] THIS WAS THE FIRST DEBATE WHERE JOE BIDEN AND ELIZABETH WARREN WERE ON STAGE TOGETHER. THEY’VE BEEN DESCRIBED AS FRENEMIES. IT’S A WEIRD SITUATION. ELIZABETH WARREN IS THE CANDIDATE MOST DEMOCRATS SAY THEY’D LIKE TO VOTE FOR, BUT THE MAJORITY OF DEMOCRATS THINK JOE BIDEN IS THE GUY THE COUNTRY WOULD VOTE FOR. BUT I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T THINK IT’S A GREAT IDEA TO TRY TO GUESS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT. THAT’S HOW YOU WIND UP EATING AT GOLDEN CORRAL. I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO COME HERE. MOST OF WHAT HAS THE DEMOCRATS WORRIED IS AFTER HILLARY, WILL ANOTHER FEMALE CANDIDATE BE ABLE TO BEAT DONALD TRUMP? WILL IT BE TOO RISKY? I THINK A FEMALE HAS A BETTER CHANCE AGAINST TRUMP, ESPECIALLY IN A DEBATE. WOMEN ARE MUCH BETTER AT HANDLING BABIES THAN MEN. IT’S A BIOLOGICAL FACT. SOME MADE WAVES, MOST NOTABLY, THE BUSINESSMAN, ANDREW YANG. HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER SAID HE’D BE DOING SOMETHING NO PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HAS EVER DONE BEFORE, WHICH IS EXCITING TO HEAR, BECAUSE THERE CAN BE SO MANY THINGS. MAYBE HE WAS PLANNING TO EAT A TIDE POD ON CAMERA. OR RIDE IN ON AN OSTRICH. WHO KNOWS. BUT ANDREW YANG DID NONE OF THOSE THINGS. INSTEAD, HE GAVE AWAY CASH.>>I’M GOING TO DO SOMETHING UNPRECEDENTED TONIGHT. MY CAMPAIGN WILL NOW GIVE A FREEDOM DIVIDEND OF $1,000 A MONTH FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR TO TEN AMERICAN FAMILIES. SOMEONE WATCHING THIS AT HOME RIGHT NOW. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT CAN YOU SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS BETTER THAN ANY POLITICIAN, GO TO YANG2020.COM AND TELL US HOW $1,000 A MONTH WILL HELP YOU DO JUST THAT.>>Jimmy: LIKE A RADIO STATION CONTEST. THIS THOUSAND DOLLAR THURSDAY. THAT MAY BE THE MOST RIDICULOUS PROPOSAL I’VE SEEN ON THIS NETWORK, AND I’VE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF THE BACHELORETTE. HE ALSO HAD FUN WHEN HE TOOK THE STAGE TONIGHT.>>ENTREPRENEUR ANDREW YANG. [ APPLAUSE ]>>Jimmy: I’D LIKE TO SEE JOE BIDEN DO THAT. SOME OF THE CANDIDATES WENT AFTER JOE BIDEN, LIKE HE WAS SOME KIND OF DEAD BEAT DAD ON THE MAURY POVICH SHOW. JULIAN CASTRO IN PARTICULAR. THERE WAS ONE MOMENT WHEN CASTRO LASHED OUT AT BIDEN FOR FORGETTING SOMETHING, WHICH HE DIDN’T FORGET, BY THE WAY, AND BERNIE APPEARED TO LEAN OVER AND HELP JOE OUT. IT WAS KIND OF ENDEARING. IT MADE ME HOPEFUL FOR A REBOOT OF GRUMPY OLD MEN. B BETO O’ROURKE HAD A BETTER NIGHT. O HE LOOKS LIKE THE HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER YOU KNOW HAS WEED IN HIS DESK. HE CALLED DONALD TRUMP A WHITE SUPREMACIST AND ANNOUNCED A PLAN FOR A REPARATIONS BILL AND A NEW MADEA MOVIE BY THE END OF THE YEAR. CORY BOOKER WAS THE ONLY UNMARRIED CANDIDATE IN THE DEBATE. THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING, A SINGLE PRESIDENT. YOU SEE HIM ON TINDER. CAN’T SWIPE RIGHT ON A DEMOCRAT. HAVE TO SWIPE LEFT ON THEM, RIGHT? HE’S DATING ROSARIO DAWSON, THE ACTRESS. BUT EVEN THOUGH THEY LIVE TOGETHER A LOT OF THE TIME, UNTIL THREE DAYS AGO, SHE HADN’T OFFICIALLY ENDORSED HIM, WHICH IS, I MEAN, HOW MANY DISHES MUST THIS GUY LEAVE IN THE SINK? OVERALL, I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD DEBATE. I THOUGHT ABC NEWS DID A GREAT JOB. I DON’T KNOW WHO WON THE DEBATE, BUT WATCHING CANDIDATES DISCUSS THE ISSUES INTELLIGENTLY, USING REAL FACTS, I’D FORGOTTEN WHAT IT WAS LIKE. IT WAS LIKE WALKING OUT OF NORTH KOREA AND INTO A COSTCO. IT WAS THAT SAME. PRESIDENT TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS HE WOULD NOT WATCH THE DEBATE LIVE TONIGHT. SAID HE WAS GOING TO TAPE IT AND WATCH IT LATER AS A RERUN. THIS IS WHAT HE WAS DOING DURING THE DEBATE.>>THE LIGHT BULB. PEOPLE SAID WHAT’S WITH THE LIGHT BULB. I SAID HERE’S THE STORY. I LOOKED AT IT, THE BULB WE’RE FORCED TO USE, NUMBER ONE, MOST IMPORTANTLY, THE LIGHT’S NO GOOD. I ALWAYS LOOK ORANGE.>>Jimmy: YEAH. IT’S THE LIGHT BULB THAT MAKES YOU LOOK ORANGE. NOTHING TO DO WITH THE TAN IN A CAN. [ APPLAUSE ] TRUMP ALSO ENTERTAINED THE GANG OF THE INSTITUTE WITH A ROUTINE ABOUT SLEEPY JOE BIDEN AND PRESIDENT XI. WE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO SLOW IT DOWN FOR TONIGHT’S EDITION OF DRUNK DONALD TRUMP.>>HE WANTS SLEEPY JOE. CAN YOU IMAGINE THOSE TWO GUYS IN A ROOM? XI, HA, AND HERE’S SLEEPY JOE, WHAT? WHERE AM I? WHERE AM I? JUST SIGN HERE, SLEEPY JOE. JUST SIGN HERE. ♪ ♪ [ APPLAUSE ]>>Jimmy: SO, IN BETWEEN HIS STANDUP FIGURES SHALL THE PRESIDENT IS STILL FIGURING OUT WHO’S GOING TO REPLACE HIS NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER. THERE WERE REPORTS TODAY THAT HE WAS THINKING ABOUT GIVING THE JOB TO MIKE POMPEO WHO WOULD THEN HAVE TWO JOBS TO BE FIRED FROM IN THREE MONTHS, WHICH WOULD BE UNUSUAL BUT NOT UNPRECEDENTED. THERE WAS ONE OTHER SECRETARY OF STATE WHO ALSO ACTED AS NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER, HENRY KISSINGER, WHICH WOULD MAKE SENSE FOR TRUMP, BECAUSE NOBODY KISSINGER KISSINGER KISSINGERS HIS ASS LIKE MIKE POMPEO. HE MADE IT CLEAR HE HAS MANY OPTIONS TO FILL THIS MOST RECENT HOLE.>>A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT THE JOB. IT’S A GREAT JOB. IT’S GREAT BECAUSE IT’S A LOT OF FUN TO WORK WITH DONALD TRUMP, AND IT’S VERY EASY, ACTUALLY, TO WORK WITH ME. YOU KNOW WHY IT’S EASY? I MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS. THEY DON’T HAVE TO WORK.>>Jimmy: SOUNDS LIKE A TERRIFIC WORKING ENVIRONMENT. HE MAKES ALL THE DECISION, WHETHER THEY BE ORIGINAL RECIPE OR EXTRA CRISPY. OF ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS HE’S BEEN TRYING TO DO, THERE’S ONE SUBJECT ON WHICH THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN CRYSTAL CLEAR, AND THAT IS THIS.>>I’M AN ENVIRONMENTALIST. I WANT CRYSTAL CLEAN WATER. I WANT CRYSTAL CLEAN WATER. WE’RE GOING TO HAVE CRYSTAL CLEAN WATER. CLEAN, BEAUTIFUL, CRYSTAL WATER. CLEAN, CRYSTAL CLEAN WATER. WE WANT CLEAN WATER. CRYSTAL. CLEAN, BEAUTIFUL, CRYSTAL WATER. NICE, BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN WATER.>>Jimmy: SO WHAT DID THEY ANNOUNCE TODAY? THEY’RE ROLLING BACK OBAMA’S CLEAN WATER ACT WHICH LIMITS THE AMOUNT OF CHEMICALS BUSINESSES CAN PUT IN OUR WATER. HOW DOES IT WORK. DID THEY WAKE UP AND SAY WHAT HORRIBLE THING CAN WE DO TODAY? I KNOW, LET’S POISON THE WATER. HE’S ROLLED BACK PROTECTION OF THE WATER, AIR, ENDANGERED SPECIES AND PUBLIC LAND. ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS ROLLING BACK WHAT OBAMA D IID. I’M SURPRISED HE DIDN’T ORDER SASHA AND MALEAH BACK INTO THE WOMB. THE CANDIDATES WERE WARNED BY ABC NEWS AND THE DNC NOT TO USE FOUL LANGUAGE, BECAUSE IF THERE’S ONE THING WE’VE LEARNED, IT’S THAT VOTERS WILL NOT TOLERATE A PRESIDENT WHO USES FOUL LANGUAGE. WITH THAT SAID, IT’S TIME FOR A SPECIAL DEBATE EDITION OF THIS WEEK IN UNNECESSARY CENSORSHIP.>>LAST YEAR, DEMOCRATS [ BLEEP ]ED 40 REPUBLICAN [ BLEEP ]S IN THE HOUSE.>>I’VE MET PEOPLE [ BLEEP ] THEIR DOCTORS. I’VE MET PEOPLE WHO [ BLEEP ] THEIR NURSES, WHO [ BLEEP ] THEIR PHARMACISTS.>>YOU’VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THE WORKING CLASS ISSUES. THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE A [ BLEEP ] AFTER WORK.>>THIS IS ABOUT HONESTY, BIG [ BLEEP ].>>IN MY DEBATE I WAS CALLED A [ BLEEP ] FROM THE IRON RANGE. WHEN SHE SAID IT, I SAID [ BLEEP ] YOU.>>THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR YOU AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. [ BLEEP ] YOU.>>I KNOW HOW [ BLEEP ]. AND I KNOW HOW TO WIN. I [ BLEEP ] GIANT [ BLEEP ], AND I BEAT THEM.>>I AM ASIAN. SO I HAVE A LOT OF [ BLEEP ], [ BLEEP ].>>IF YOU WANT TO COMPARE [ BLEEP

Campaign Ad William Taylor for Congress “Demo Republican Party”


Hi, I’m Senator William Taylor. As Election Day nears I’d like to say thank y’all for your support in my bid for reelection. I know a lot of people are questioning if I’m right for this job. I know my opponent Bradley [?] Gortierez doesn’t seem to think so, but I crossed party lines. I’m a Demo Republic. You might ask, “How’s that possible?” And then I ask “Are you an American or an Al-Qaeda terrorist?” It’s not that neither party would accept me, it’s that I below both parties are right. I believe we should lower taxes. I believe we should have more government programs. How’s that possible? I have a comprehensive plan for that. I believe we should tax the rich more while making them pay less to stimulate the economy. I believe we should all be free to do as we please. Free, while adhering to the guidelines I set forth. I believe in America. I believe in the Demo Republican party. I believe in William Taylor and you should to. Speaker 2: Paid for by the committee to moronically support Senator William Taylor for Congress. Captions by
GetTranscribed.com

Kids Explain How Babies Are Made


YOU KNOW, INSTEAD OF ADULTS TEACHING KIDS ABOUT SEX, I THINK IT WOULD BE LESS EMPAIRSING IF KIDS LEARNED IT FROM OTHER KIDS. WE WENT ON THE STREET THIS AFTERNOON AND ASKED KIDS HOW BABIES ARE MADE. AND WE ARE VERY PROUD NOW TO PRESENT THE RESULTS OF THAT INQUIRY FOR YOUR EDUCATION AND PLEASURE.>>WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?>>LADIES’ TUMMIES.>>THE LADIES EAT THE BABIES?>>NO! THEY JUST GET PREGNANT.>>HOW ARE BABIES MADE?>>UM — THE DOWNSTAIRS GOES INTO THE GIRL’S DOWNSTAIRS. >>DO YOU KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM?>>, A, B, C, D, E, F, G –>>HOW ARE BABIES MADE?>>BABES. >>FROM BABES?>>THEY’RE FROM BOOBS. >>HOW ARE BABIES MADE?>>WHEN MOMS AND DAD MAKES LOVE.>>WHAT KIND OF LOSER MAKES LOVE?>>I DON’T KNOW. >>DO YOU KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM?>>H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P –>>HOW ARE BABIES MADE? WHY IS IT SO FUNNY?>>IT’S WEIRD. >>WHAT’S WEIRD ABOUT IT?>>KNOWING THAT MY PARENTS HAVE TO DO IT.>>WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?>>UH — UH –>>EXPLAIN TO HIM.>>THEIR MOM –>>THEIR MOM?>>TUMMY. I DON’T KNOW. >>YOU DON’T KNOW? EXPLAIN TO HIM HOW IT WORKS. >>ME?>>YEAH.>>UH — LIKE THEY COME OUT OF THE VAGINA — I DON’T KNOW. >>WHO DOWN HOW BABIES ARE MADE?>>YES. >>HOW? ♪ BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP HAVE YOU ANY WOOL ♪>>HOW ARE BABIES MADE?>>GROSS. UM — >>WHY IS IT GROSS?>>BECAUSE. IT’S — IT’S — EH, HEALTH. >>WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HEALTH?>>I’M NOT IN FIFTH GRADE YET, I SHOULDN’T KNOW THIS STUFF. >>WHAT’S SO GROSS?>>UM — JUST — WHERE IT COMES FROM. I’VE SEEN “STAR WARS.” AND IT LOOKS REALLY GROSS AND

Why Your Internet Sucks | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix


If you’re watching this right now,
you have functioning Internet, and you’re probably also on the phone.
You’re reading Twitter. You’re scrolling through Reddit
while you’re driving to work. And you’re not gonna look up
until I say the keywords -like Drake, Jordans or Narendra Modi. But I understand why you’re distracted. The Internet is so hard to put down. The Internet is a drug. The digital cocaine of our time. “Electronic cocaine” or “digital heroin.” Some folks call it “Internet crack.” I can’t survive. I’m an addict. I gotta have my Wi-Fi, man. You don’t have to be like,
“The Internet is meth! It’s digital black tar heroin,
Snapchat is El Chapo.” We get it. The Internet is addictive, but we forget
not everyone has access to it. It’s something we take for granted. That’s what I want to focus on tonight,
Internet inequality. Millions of Americans are denied access
to the Internet, and the U.S. government is making it worse. Even presidential candidates
want to fix this and make it a part of their campaign. We improve the infrastructure.
We improve broadband. Rural broadband. Lightening fast broadband. Universal broadband. We have a problem with broadband
where people cannot start businesses in their hometown or finish
their education after high school
because they can’t get online. They can’t go to Tinder and find a date
tonight, to find that special person who’s gonna make the difference
in their lives. Beto’s like, “Look, Bernie’s not out here
fighting for your pleasure. He thinks orgasms are for the 1%. I’m out here fighting
for your right to fuck.” By the way,
you missed the best part of that video. Look at the dude in the bottom left. Because they can’t get online. They can go to Tinder and find a date tonight,
to find that special person. who’s going to make a difference
in their lives. He’s like, “Oh, my God.
Why didn’t I support Elizabeth Warren?” This digital divide hits poor
and rural Americans the hardest. 30% of rural Americans
don’t have broadband access. And when I say broadband, I am talking about fixed broadband. The kind where that, you know, the sweaty dude
in cargo pants comes into your apartment and plugs stuff in. Which is different
from mobile broadband, like 4G, which is basically your cell phone.
People mix up fixed and 4G all the time. It’s like Charlie Hunnam
and Garrett Hedlund. They do the same thing for you,
but they are, in fact, different. The Internet is an essential utility.
It’s like electricity or water. Now, let’s be real,
if you had to fuck, marry, kill: electricity, water, and the Internet… …you would definitely marry
the Internet, and you would fuck electricity
just for the thrill. I mean the socket’s right there,
you go for it. Don’t act like you wouldn’t. But I’m serious. Listen, we rely on the Internet
in critical ways you may not realize. Like, when you need to see
a doctor immediately. It’s faster for us
to always use tele-neurology, because our physicians
are not 24 hours a day in the building. And so we can actually get a physician
to the bedside of a patient within three to six minutes. Every minute that we waste is potentially more brain function
that’s lost. This is the future. Everything is happening online:
health care, housing, employment, safety, and especially education. About three million kids
across the country have trouble completing their homework
because they don’t have adequate Internet. That’s why some people are taking
extreme steps to solve the problem. Like in California’s Coachella Valley. We started thinking about, “Hey,
we have a hundred buses here, why not put routers on the buses and park them
where there’s no connectivity?” “Eight Wi-Fi buses are now left
overnight in various neighborhoods. The graduation rate in Coachella
is now up 8%, with even more students
on the road to success.” Kids have to get their Internet
from parked buses. How is there a new thing
to hate in Coachella? Buses aren’t even the weirdest place
where people have to get Wi-Fi. You’ll see kids
just sitting outside a McDonald’s, buying french fries
’cause it’s the cheapest thing on the menu for 50 cents
and then connecting to the Wi-Fi and doing their homework
in the parking lot. The story I heard in northern Minnesota
of a doctor who while he could get Wi-Fi
at the hospital, he couldn’t get it at his house. So, when he had emergency calls,
he would go to the McDonald’s parking lot. This is wrong. When I was growing up, the McDonald’s parking lot
was for cooking meth or making out, that’s it. Illicit drugs or teenage pregnancy.
It was a simpler time. And now, there’s just a full-on
underground society there? There’s McDonald’s doctors,
McDonald’s students, and to keep order, the McDonald’s
Secret Police led by Grimace. Trust me, he’s seen some shit. Now the reason a lot of Americans
can’t get on the Internet has to do with Internet service providers,
or ISPs. These are five of the biggest ISPs
in the country. They all provide broadband Internet, but companies like Verizon,
Sprint, and AT&T are heavily investing
in their mobile networks. So, if you want fixed broadband at home, you’ll probably have to deal
with one of two companies, okay? Comcast and Charter.
Charter owns Spectrum. Now look, all of these companies
are terrible. But Comcast deserves
a very special place in hell. In 2016, they were fined over $2 million
for charging customers for services they didn’t even sign up for. People were like, “Why are you charging me
for the Scott Baio network? Is that even real?” They’ve done all sorts of crazy shit.
They once told a widow that because her plan
was in her husband’s name, they wouldn’t cancel her service
until she proved her husband had died. Yeah, that’s thoughtful Comcast. You’re like, “Oh, your husband’s dead?
Prove it.” In 2015, a woman named Lisa Brown
tried to change her service. So Comcast changed the name on her bill to “Asshole Brown,” which is kind of lazy. It should really be “Brown Asshole.” A customer named Julia Swano got bills
to “Whore Julia Swano.” A woman named Mary Bauer
got bills to “Super Bitch Bauer.” All of these names sound like
they came from an incel name generator. And it turns out… a lot of people don’t like being
slut-shamed by their Internet bill. In fact, Comcast has been called
“America’s most hated company,” which explains
the Weinstein Company’s new slogan: “Hey, we’re not Comcast.” The emotions are real. People hate Comcast. We need a change, a big-ass change. It’s always more money
than it’s supposed to be. It’s not a good company. You want to know what’s the root cause
of me being mad? I’ll tell you what the root cause
of me being mad: Comcast. I love how this guy’s at a sleepover and the first thing he does, he’s like,
“Let me get my leopard pillow, little glass of wine,
let me open up my burn book, and talk about my cable provider.” Now, one of the reasons why Comcast doesn’t provide good Internet
to a lot of areas is because it hurts their bottom line. The reason Comcast isn’t there or the reason why other providers
aren’t there is because it costs a lot of money and the revenue is not very high. Even in the places Comcast does cover, they have no incentive
to provide better service, because they face
virtually no competition. The thing about Comcast,
and most cable providers in fact, they have a de facto monopoly
in the areas where they have customers. “So it’s like a cartel?” I would not describe it as– Yes.
Maybe. It is similar to a cartel. This guy would be the worst attorney. He just folded so fast. He’s like,
“Your honor, my client is not guilty. Okay, he’s guilty. He’s guilty. I always felt it, you felt it, right?
I could feel it.” Look, I know what you guys
are all thinking, “Of course,
you’re calling Comcast a cartel. You’re only doing this
’cause Netflix would love for everyone to have better Internet.”
And I’ll own it! I will own it, okay. Yes. I love Netflix. Because I love job security,
but you know what I also love? The Marvel Cinematic Universe. Dropping on Disney Plus, November 12th. But seriously… just look at Comcast and Charter. 26 million Americans
only have broadband through Comcast. 31 million Americans
only have broadband through Charter. These maps barely overlap.
They’re like Jeff Dunham and black people. They’re never in the same place
at the same time. And that’s by design. There is no competition. The cable guys long ago, something
they called “the Summer of Love,” -divided up systems.
-“The Summer of Love?” Yeah. They clustered their operations,
it makes sense from their standpoint. You take San Francisco.
I’ll take Sacramento. You take Chicago. I’ll take Boston. And so Comcast
and Time Warner are these giants that never enter each other’s territories. Comcast and Charter have essentially
divvied up entire states. It’s like gerrymandering,
except white people get fucked over, too. Now in theory… the government should have a problem
with cable companies carving up the U.S., but Comcast spends so much on lobbying
that they say disclosing all of it… is too hard. It’s like asking Emeril Lagasse
how much he uses the word “bam?” I like to give it a little bam, bam, bam! -Bam! Bam! Ba-bam! Bam!
-Yes! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Damn, I miss Emeril! Look, if you’re wondering
what happened to Emeril, he blew out a shoulder
on a chicken parm in ’07. He was like, “Ba-bam! No!” That was his Kevin Durant Achilles. What? I didn’t tear his Achilles. Bob Myers did. Now look, the most frustrating part
about the broadband cartel is that the government
isn’t just letting this happen. It’s helping this happen. They are protecting broadband monopoly
power over the public good. And most of the blame falls on one agency, the Federal Communications Commission,
or the FCC, which is now run by a Ajit Pai,
or as Comcast would call him, a “brown asshole.” You probably know Ajit Pai best
from killing net neutrality and always smiling
like he just got his braces off. But Pai is so much worse than that. Pai actually used to work for Verizon and has a long history
of siding with the companies he is supposed to be regulating, and that’s exactly what’s happening
with broadband. The Telecom Act of 1996 mandates
that the FCC makes sure that every American has access
to telecom services. And one of the ways they do that
is by drawing coverage maps. According to the government, 21 million Americans
don’t have high-speed Internet, which may not sound that bad, but a private study conducted
by Microsoft found that that number could be
as high as 163 million. How do you screw up your numbers
by the entire population of Russia? By the way,
everyone knows the maps suck. The accuracy or the value of the map
is nearly nil in my view. These maps are bogus. These are phony maps. I got to hear a lot of conversation
about the maps. The maps stink, basically. We gotta kick somebody’s ass, truthfully. I love Senator Drew Carey. He’s like,
“I’m gonna kill these cable motherfuckers. Truthfully.” So what is the number? What is it?
How many people don’t have Internet? No one knows, because of the way
the FCC collects coverage information. They ask companies to fill out
something called Form 477, which lets ISPs self-report
on how many people they’re reaching. It’s the government version
of “grade your own quiz.” Remember when your teacher was like,
“How did all of you guys know how to spell ‘bourgeoisie?’” By the way, it gets even worse. If a cable company tells the FCC one household in any given census block
has broadband, then the FCC assumes
that the whole census block has broadband. They’re like, “One house has Internet,
that means all the houses have Internet.” It’s the ultimate rounding up. That’s how you can miss
142 million people. They rounded up like Bono
counting in Spanish. Listen, Bono. You can’t go. “Uno, dos,
tres, catorce.” It doesn’t make any sense. But incorrect maps
have huge consequences. The FCC’s shitty data helps
dictate what areas get money from something called
the Universal Service Fund, or the USF. The USF is money Congress came up with
to ensure that all Americans have telecom services,
including the Internet. Over the next ten years,
we are going to distribute $4.5 billion to rural communities. If we get it wrong,
they’re gonna pay a really big price. They won’t get the funding they need. This is simple. You can’t help distribute $4.5 billion if you don’t even know
which communities need it. This hits rural, tribal,
and low-income Americans the hardest. There are entire sections of major cities
in America that don’t even have adequate Internet. We know who lives here. These are black people. These are people who may not have
the wealthiest of jobs, right? These are the people who probably need
the most opportunity. These are the underserved. This type of blatant discrimination… isn’t something we should see
from a company like AT&T. It’s a massive problem. But Ajit Pai doesn’t seem to think
that the government should be a big part in solving it. In rural America, you know,
certain parts of the inner cities where they have very little,
if no broadband access at all, does the government then have a role
in subsidizing parts of those areas? I do think the more important part
is encouraging the private sector to take the lead, and the reason is
that there is only so much money that the FCC has under its purview. God, he’s such a tool! I like, feel the pain as an Indian.
I’m like, “Why are you doing this?” I fucking hate his logic. Yeah, Ajit, let the private sector
fix the problem. ‘Cause you know who loves helping
poor people? Giant corporations. Ajit Pai hates government programs
for poor people as much as the Internet hates this video. Recently there’s been
quite a bit of conversation about my plan to restore Internet freedom. Here are just a few of the things you’ll
still be able to do on the Internet after these Obama-era regulations
are repealed. [Star Wars theme plays] [dance music plays] Somehow, that was the worst thing
he did to the Internet. You know that clip started
with him swinging a giant lightsaber and then it got exponentially worse. So to recap, broadband companies
and the FCC are protecting cable companies at the expense of rural
and poor Americans who don’t have high-speed Internet.
Now, here’s the thing. This isn’t the first time
utility companies have failed Americans. In the 1930s,
rural Americans didn’t have electricity because it was expensive
for companies to build power lines. So in 1936, Congress passed
the Rural Electrification Act. It provided infrastructure
for all Americans to get electricity. “I hear there’s a new kind of power:
government. That’s right. I hear there’s an agency:
Rural Electrification.” “Now wires swing out to the country. They’re stretching out long wires, reaching out
where wires never went before.” Was that, like, an Apple commercial
from the 1930s? There must have been, like,
a product launch with 1930s Steve Jobs. He’s like,
“We’ve all been living with wires, but today, introducing… the Long Wire! No more short wires
now we have long wires!” And everyone’s like, “What do we do? Wasn’t he a monster to his kids?” “Yeah, but that’s what it takes
to make long wires.” Now, in this case, the Federal Government sided
with American citizens over huge corporations. But today, it feels like the opposite,
and some communities have had enough. Wilson civic leaders
went to the cable companies and said “we want faster service,” but the cable companies said, “No.” So, the folks here said, “Okay… we’ll just build it ourselves.” Okay, somehow that clip started in 1983 and then she walked into 2019. How is that possible? Small cities are going DIY,
and they are setting up their own Internet. It’s become known as municipal broadband,
and it is phenomenal. It turns out
when cities create their own Internet and their own broadband customers
get faster speeds, lower prices,
and better customer service. You know, all the things that violate
Comcast company policy. So Comcast does everything they can
to kill it. Look at the smear campaign
that they helped pay for. I love Fort Collins,
and things are really moving. But that usually means traffic isn’t. Instead of focusing on this, the city wants to get
into the Internet business. Measure 2B would spend $150 million
on a broadband network with no plan for how to do it. Vote “no” on 2B. ‘Cause the Internet won’t speed this up. Okay, I’m sorry, Fort Collins. But that’s not traffic. That is ten cars at a red light. Okay? And they’re like,
“You know what that means! No more Internet. We can only do one of two things.” Cable companies are pulling out
all the stops to fight Municipal Broadband. Just look at Chattanooga, Tennessee, which has been an Internet battleground
for the last decade. In 2008, Chattanooga decided to set up
their own Internet because Comcast and AT&T sucked. And the broadband companies got pissed. Representatives of AT&T and Comcast
paraded into my office to tell me why they didn’t think Chattanooga
should get into this business of competing with private enterprise. “Comcast sued the utility to
prevent it from building out it’s network.” Comcast was part of two lawsuits
against the city, but Chattanooga won
and set up an Internet 200 times faster than the national average, which forced Comcast to compete. Yes! Chattanooga forced Comcast
to magically find a way to offer the best broadband
they had ever offered. After years of people complaining, Comcast was like, “Sorry, bro.
Just saw your text. I can totally turn on that good Internet.” Chattanooga won that battle. But then they tried to expand out
to rural areas and the broadband companies
killed the expansion. They shut down the Internet
like it was the Arab Spring of the South. Unfortunately, lobbying from broadband companies
has worked across the country. 26 states now have laws
restricting or prohibiting cities from creating their own Internet service. And broadband companies
aren’t doing this on their own. They’ve gotten help
from a right-wing advocacy group called ALEC. “The American Legislative
Exchange Council, or ALEC. It puts state lawmakers at the table
with corporations who have paid thousands of dollars to be there. AT&T, Altria, Pfizer,
ExxonMobil have all participated.” You automatically know ALEC is sketchy because they’ve been on the same team
as Viagra, oil, and cigarettes. ALEC has their fingerprints on basically
every terrible issue you can think of. Stand your ground,
voter ID, and private prisons. Here’s how they work. They write a template
of a pro-industry law and then they hand it to local politicians
to pass in their states. Often times, they barely change a word. Here’s the original law from ALEC. Now, look at what passed in Utah. They are practically identical. Basically, ALEC is the kid in class
who lets all the other kids copy, and they’re also best friends
with the Koch brothers. Yeah, the Koch brothers
are really into Supreme apparently. Comcast will do anything
to protect their monopoly. Look what’s happening in Colorado. In 2005, Colorado passed a law
called SB-152, which made it harder for cities
to create their own Internet. Now, assume in this scenario
that SB stands for shitty broadband, but over the last few years, cities in Colorado have been voting
to opt-out of SB-152. First it was Glenwood Springs,
then it was Longmont, then Fort Collins,
and the cable companies freaked out because a recent study showed that when Fort Collins starts offering
their own Internet, Comcast could lose up
to $2 million per month. That’s just one city with no traffic. So they fought
the Fort Collins initiative head on. “A lot of money is being poured
into this opposition group. Priorities First Fort Collins
has raised more than $200,000 in just the past two weeks. The Colorado Cable
Telecommunications Association donated more than $125,000
to stop the measure.” Just so you know, the Colorado
Telecommunications Association is backed, in part, by Comcast. Now, here’s the good news. Their campaign
to kill municipal broadband didn’t work. And more cities in Colorado
are following their lead. 40 of Colorado’s 64 counties have voted in favor
of municipal broadband. They’re basically saying,
“Hey, let us run our own Internet. Because if the government
and broadband companies aren’t going to look out for us, the least you can do
is get out of the way.” And the ironic thing is this. We’re doing this episode, it’s great. But the people
who are being screwed over by this and by the telecom industry
probably can’t even watch this episode. This show only exists on the Internet,
so it got me thinking… Netflix still has a DVD service. I don’t know how or why… but they do. And 2.7 million people
still get those little red envelopes. So we decided to put this
episode of Patriot Act on DVD, so you can rent it from Netflix. This is real.
If you go to DVD.com/patriotact it will take you straight
to the Netflix website where you can get this episode. So please,
if you’re watching this right now, go to your nearest McDonald’s parking lot, tap on those windows and let ’em know, “I have a DVD for you.”

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Town Hall Debate Cold Open – SNL


[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE SECOND AND WORST EVER
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. I’M MARTHA RADDATZ.
>>AND I’M ANDERSON COOPER. AND BEFORE WE BEGIN, WE JUST
NEED TO DO ONE LAST THING. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>>MUCH BETTER. NOW LET’S GET THIS NIGHTMARE
STARTED. PLEASE HELP US WELCOME THE
CANDIDATES. REPUBLICAN NOMINEE DONALD TRUMP
AND — CAN WE SAY THIS YET?>>PROBABLY FINE.
>>– PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪ ♪
>>THANK YOU. THANK YOU BOTH FOR BEING HERE.
>>THANK YOU. I’D LIKE TO BEGIN BY ATTEMPTING
A CASUAL LEAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
GOT IT!>>MARTHA, TONIGHT I’M GOING TO
DO THREE THINGS. I’M GOING TO HUFF, I’M GOING TO
PUFF, AND I’M GOING TO BLOW THIS WHOLE THING.
>>NOW TONIGHT’S DEBATE IS A TOWN HALL, WHICH MEANS WE’LL BE
TAKING QUESTIONS FROM VOTERS IN THE AUDIENCE.
THEY ARE UNDECIDED, UNCOMMITTED AND NOT REMOTELY CAMERA READY.
>>SECRETARY CLINTON, WE’LL START WITH YOU.
YOUR QUESTION COMES FROM PATRICE BROCK.
>>HELLO. MY QUESTION IS, DO YOU FEEL THAT
YOU ARE MODELING APPROPRIATE AND POSITIVE BEHAVIOR FOR TODAY’S
YOUTH?>>HI, PATRICE.
LET ME START BY WALKING OVER TO YOU, JUST AS I PRACTICED.
[ LAUGHTER ] RIGHT LEFT, RIGHT LEFT, RIGHT
LEFT, LOOK, SPEAK. OKAY.
NOW YOU’RE A TEACHER?>>NO.
>>YOU HAVE KIDS?>>NO.
>>YOU LIKE KIDS?>>NO.
>>YOU’VE SEEN KIDS?>>YES.
>>GREAT. OKAY, WE’RE BONDING ALREADY.
MY FRIEND, PATRICE, I STRIVE TO BE A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL FOR ALL
CHILDREN. CHILDREN LIKE MY DAUGHTER
CHELSEA, AND MY GRANDDAUGHTER CHELSEA JR.
>>MR. TRUMP, SAME QUESTION. DO YOU FEEL YOU’RE MODELING
APPROPRIATE AND POSITIVE BEHAVIOR FOR TODAY’S YOUTH?
>>NO. NEXT.
>>SO YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THE KIDS?
>>ANDERSON, I LOVE KIDS. OKAY, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I
MARRY THEM. I’VE BEEN HELPING KIDS MY WHOLE
LIFE. IN 1992, I HELPED A KID NAMED
KEVIN McALLISTER FIND A HOTEL LOBBY.
REMEMBER THE DOCUMENTARY “HOME ALONE II, LOST IN NEW YORK.”
>>OKAY, MOVING ON, MR. TRUMP, WE RECEIVED A LOT OF QUESTIONS
ONLINE ABOUT THE AUDIO TAPE THAT WAS RELEASED LAST WEEK OF YOU
BRAGGING ABOUT SEXUALLY ASSAULTING WOMEN.
>>LISTEN, WHAT I SAID IS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT
BILL CLINTON HAS DONE. OKAY?
HE HAS ABUSED WOMEN. AND MARTHA, ANDERSON, HOLD ON TO
YOUR NIPS AND YOUR NUTS, BECAUSE FOUR OF THESE WOMEN ARE HERE
TONIGHT. FOUR OF THEM.
>>WAIT, I’M SORRY. WHO’S HERE?
>>MISTRESSES? BILL, HOW COULD YOU?
OH, HOW WILL I GO ON WITH THIS DEBATE?
I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO REMEMBER MY FACTS AND FIGURES NOW.
OH, DONALD, NO! GET REAL, I MADE A STEAL.
THIS IS NOTHING. HI, GIRLS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>MARTHA, SHE IS TRYING TO
SILENCE THESE WOMEN, BUT THEY NEED TO BE RESPECTED AND THEY
NEED THEIR VOICES HEARD.>>AND WHAT ABOUT THE WOMEN
ACCUSING YOU OF SEXUAL ASSAULT?>>THEY NEED TO SHUT THE HELL
UP. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>ALRIGHT, LET’S MOVE ON. OUR NEXT QUESTION IS FROM
KEN CARPOWICZ.>>THANK YOU.
I’VE GOT A BORING ONE. THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT IS NOT
AFFORDABLE. WHAT WILL YOU DO TO BRING THE
COSTS DOWN AND MAKE COVERAGE BETTER?
>>WELL, KEN, THAT’S ACTUALLY A GREAT QUESTION.
I AGREE THAT OBAMACARE CAN BE APPROVED, KEN.
BUT, KEN, IT DOES HAVE ITS BENEFITS.
AND NUMBER ONE, INSURANCE COMPANIES CAN’T DENY YOU
COVERAGE BECAUSE OF A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION.
NUMBER TWO, WHICH IS A BIG DEAL IF YOU HAVE SERIOUS HEALTH
PROBLEMS. AND NUMBER THREE —
[ LAUGHTER ] SORRY.
I THOUGHT I — AND NUMBER THREE, WOMEN CAN’T BE CHARGED MORE THAN
MEN. I THOUGHT I — WOMEN CAN’T BE
CHARGED MORE THAN MEN FOR HEALTH INSURANCE.
AND NUMBER FOUR –>>OKAY, LET’S TAKE ANOTHER
QUESTION, THIS ONE COMES FROM JAMES CARTER.
>>GOOD EVENING, MR. TRUMP.>>OH, NO.
>>MY QUESTION IS, DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN BE A DEVOTED
PRESIDENT TO ALL PEOPLE?>>THAT IS A GREAT QUESTION,
DENZEL. THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION
ABOUT THE INNER CITIES.>>MY NAME IS JAMES AND I DIDN’T
ASK ANYTHING ABOUT NO INNER CITIES.
>>THE INNER CITIES ARE A MESS, OKAY.
JUST LAST MONTH I WAS IN DETROIT AND EVERYWHERE I LOOKED, THERE
WERE VIOLENT CRAZY PEOPLE AND A LOT OF THEM HAD GUNS, AND THEY
WERE SCREAMING HORRIBLE THINGS LIKE “TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT.”
>>I THINK YOU WERE AT ONE OF YOUR OWN RALLIES.
>>MARTHA, THIS BLACK MAN IS ATTACKING ME.
ALSO, SPEAKING OF BLACK MEN, DO YOU KNOW WHO ELSE SHOULD BE PUT
IN JAIL? HILLARY CLINTON.
SHE’S COMMITTED SO MANY CRIMES. SHE’S BASICALLY A BLACK.
>>SECRETARY CLINTON, DO YOU WISH TO RESPOND TO THAT?
>>NAH, I’M COOL. BECAUSE AS MY BEST FRIEND
MICHELLE OBAMA ONCE SAID, WHEN THEY GO LOW, YOU GO HIGH!
GOD I LOVE THAT QUOTE. ALMOST AS MEMORABLE AS WHEN I
SAID “TRUMPED UP, TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS.”
JUST A COUPLE OF EQUALLY FAMOUS QUOTES FROM A COUPLE OF EQUALLY
LOVEABLE WOMEN.>>OKAY, AND NOW SINCE EVERYONE
HAS BEEN SO GOOD, IT’S TIME FOR A SPECIAL TREAT.
>>THAT’S RIGHT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PUT YOUR
HANDS TOGETHER, FOR THE ONE, THE ONLY, MR. KEN BONE.
♪ ♪ Y’ALL READY FOR THIS ♪
♪ ♪
>>OH, MY GOD, HE IS SO CUTE.>>I REALLY NEEDED THAT RIGHT
NOW.>>NOW, WAIT, KEN, YOU’RE NOT
GOING TO TURN OUT TO BE A WEIRD LITTLE CREEP OR ANYTHING, ARE
YOU?>>MAYBE.
>>GOD, WE CAN’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE.
>>OH, WELL. WELL, WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE FINAL
QUESTION, AND IT COMES FROM CARL BECKER.
>>GOOD EVENING, MY QUESTION IS FOR HILLARY.
TONIGHT DONALD TRUMP SAID YOU SHOULD BE IN JAIL, HE SAID YOU
HAVE HATE IN YOUR HEART, AND HE FOLLOWED YOU AROUND THE STAGE
LIKE A SHARK. SO MY QUESTION, WHAT DO YOU LIKE
ABOUT HIM?>>WELL, THIS ONE’S ACTUALLY
EASY. DONALD TRUMP AND I DISAGREE ON
ALMOST EVERYTHING, BUT I DO LIKE HOW GENEROUS HE IS.
JUST LAST FRIDAY, HE HANDED ME THIS ELECTION.
>>MR. TRUMP, ONE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT SECRETARY CLINTON?
>>I LIKE THAT SHE’S A FIGHTER AND SHE DOESN’T GIVE UP, WHICH
IS WHY I NEED ALL MY SUPPORTERS TO GET OUT AND VOTE ON ELECTION
DAY. MARK YOUR CALENDARS, WRITE IT
DOWN, HERE’S THE DATE, IT’S NOVEMBER 35th.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Republican: Trump Supporters Are “Spasms Of A Dying Party”


>>JEFF FLAKE IS A RIGHT-WINGER
THROUGH AND THROUGH, HE’S ALSO SPOKEN OUT AGAINST DONALD TRUMP. HE’S THE RETIRING REPUBLICAN SENATOR FROM ARIZONA. AND HE
SAID SOME PRETTY HARSH THINGS ABOUT TRUMP, WHICH TRUMP HAS
AMPLY EARNED. BUT HE STILL VOTED FOR THE TAX CUTS, HE STILL VOTES
WITH TRUMP AND OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF THE TIME, SO HE’S
NOT YOUR FRIEND. BUT HE DID HAVE SOME STRAIGHT TALK, IF YOU WILL,
MAKES SENSE COMING OUT OF ARIZONA I SUPPOSE, THEY ASKED
HIM IF REPUBLICANS CONTINUE IN TRUMP AND BANNON’S DIRECTION,
COULD THEY LOSE THE SENATE? HE SAID –>>INTERESTING. I’M GOING TO LET HIM CONTINUE
HERE AND THEN I WILL FILL IN WHAT HE MIGHT MEAN BY THAT. HE SAYS –>>SO HE’S LITERALLY RIGHT ABOUT
THAT, WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE DEMOGRAPHIC INFORMATION IT’S NOT
A PRETTY PICTURE FOR THE REPUBLICANS. ONLY THE CORPORATE
DEMOCRATS COULD FIND A WAY TO LOSE TO REPUBLICANS IN ELECTIONS
THAT APPEAR TO BE NOT LOSEABLE WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE
DEMOGRAPHICS. AND THE POLICY POSITIONS, AMERICANS AGREE WITH
PROGRESSIVES ON EVERY ISSUE BY WIDE MARGINS, YOU WOULD BE
HARD-PRESSED TO FIND AN ISSUE THAT AMERICANS DON’T AGREE WITH
PROGRESSIVES ON. IMMIGRATION, WHAT ABOUT IMMIGRATION, BUILD A
WALL? NO. DID YOU KNOW THAT 90% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE IN A
PATHWAY TO CITIZENSHIP? OVERWHELMING NUMBERS. THEY WANT
SOME SORT OF IMMIGRATION REFORM AND A PATHWAY TO CITIZENSHIP IS
OVERWHELMINGLY POPULAR. EVEN IN ALABAMA, IN THAT DOUG JONES/ROY
MOORE RACE, PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 45 IN ONE OF THE REDDEST
STATE IN THE COUNTRY, OVER 60% OF THEM VOTED FOR THE DEMOCRAT
IF THEY WERE UNDER 45. TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK. AND FLAKE TO
HIS CREDIT ALSO HAD EARLIER SAID THAT –>>APPARENTLY SERVILITY TO TRUMP
IN VOTING FOR TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH IS PERFECTLY FINE, BUT
OTHERWISE MORALLY TREASONABLE. WELL, ALL THAT IS MY AGREEMENTS
AND DISAGREEMENTS WITH JEFF FLAKE, FAIRLY NORMAL STUFF. THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING IS WHAT WOULD A GUY LIKE FLAKE DO IF
MUELLER FINDS INFORMATION ABOUT TRUMP? WHAT WITH THE REST OF THE
REPUBLICANS DO? BECAUSE THAT WILL BE THE DECISION POINT FOR
WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THIS COUNTRY. EITHER WE WILL HAVE
TREMENDOUS TURMOIL AND RIP THIS COUNTRY IN PART IN TERMS OF
REPUBLICANS SAYING WE WILL ALLOW LAWBREAKING AND LET THE
PRESIDENT BE ABOVE THE LAW, AND THAT WOULD BE TERRIFYING, WE
COULD LITERALLY LOSE OUR FORM OF GOVERNMENT, IT’S NOT AN
EXAGGERATION, IF THE REPUBLICANS SAY NO, POLITICALLY BEAR JUST
GOING TO LET THE PRESIDENT BREAK THE LAW. THAT WAS THE
UNPRECEDENTED AND HORRIFYING. SO THOSE REPUBLICANS DO HAVE AN
IMPORTANT DECISION TO MAKE AT ONE POINT. NOW DONALD TRUMP IS
TALKING ABOUT FIRING MUELLER BEFORE WE GET THERE BECAUSE HE
KNOWS HE’S GUILTY. FLAKE HAD A RESPONSE TO THAT. HE SAID –>>WELL, I’M NOT AS CONFIDENT AS
SENATOR FLAKE ON HOW THE REPUBLICANS WILL REACT IF TRUMP
OBSTRUCTS JUSTICE FURTHER FIRING MUELLER, OR FIRING ROB
ROSENSTEIN SO THAT HE WILL GET A NEW DEPUTY ATTORNEY GENERAL WHO
WILL FIRE ROBERT MUELLER. I HOPE FLAKE IS RIGHT IN THIS INSTANCE
AND REPUBLICANS IN THE SENATE WILL SEND UP TO TRUMP AND SAY IF
YOU DO THAT, WE WILL IMPEACH YOU. ARE YOU SURE THEY ARE GOING
TO GO THAT WAY? I DON’T THINK ANYONE IS SURE THEY ARE GOING TO
GO THAT WAY. THIS IS A GOOD SIGN, AT LEAST ONE GUY IS SAYING
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR NOW. BUT IF WE ARE RELYING ON THE
MORAL FIBER OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY GOD HELP US ALL, BUT THAT
MIGHT BE THE SITUATION WE ARE IN SOON.

The Daily Show – Gun Control & Political Suicide


>>Jon: WELCOME BACK. SO LAST WEEK AS WE WERE WATCH ON THE SHOW, LAST WEEK WE LEARNED THAT WHILE OUR UNITED STATES SENATE WAS UNABLE TO PASS EVEN THE MOST BASIC GUN CONTROL MEASURES, AUSTRALIA HAD A SUCCESSFUL GUN CONTROL FOR ALMOST TWO DECADE, JOHN OLIVER VISITED THERE TO FIND OUT MORE IN PART TWO OF OUR THREE PART SERIES.>>IN 1996 FOLLOWING A MASSACRE, AUSTRALIA’S CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT ENFORCED A NATIONAL BUYBACK OF SEMIAUTOMATIC WEAPONS. WHILE ALSO HEAVILY REGULATING THE PURCHASE AND STORAGE OF OTHER FIREARMS. THE RESULT WAS DRAMATICALLY REDUCED LEVEL OF GUN VIOLENCE. SO WHY CAN’T WE DO THAT HERE? TO FIND OUT I SAT DOWN WITH LONG TIME AID TO HARRY REID JIM MANLY.>>THE NRA IS STILL A VERY POWERFUL FORCE IN THIS COUNTRY. THEY HAVE FOUR MILLION MEMBERS WHO ARE VERY, VERY DETERMINED TO GET THEIR WAY.>>AND HOW CAN A NATION OF 300 MILLION COMPETE WITH THAT?>>IT’S DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND SOMETIME, ISN’T IT BUT THE FACT OF THE MAT CERTIFICATE THAT I’VE GOT TO THINK LONG AND HARD BEFORE YOU SUPPORT GUN CONTROL LEGISLATION BECAUSE YOU ARE TAKE ON THE NRA CAN BE POLITICAL SUICIDE.>>AND THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS WORKING TIRELESSLY TO REDUCE THE RATE OF POLITICAL SUICIDE AMONG ITS MEMBERS. SURELY AUSTRALIAN POLITICIANS WEREN’T STUPID ENOUGH TO END THEIR POLITICAL LIVES FOR GUN CONTROL.>>WELL, I DID.>>WHAT?>>I DID.>>YOU DID WHAT?>>I TOOK THE STAND. I WAS PREPARED TO FACE THE POLITICAL CONSEQUENCES, AND WE DELIVERED GUN CONTROL.>>MEETS ROB BOREBICH FORMER PREMIER OF QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA’S MOST CONSERVATIVE STATE. IN 1996 HE WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN ENACTING GUN CONTROL, KNOWING IT WOULD COST HIM HIS POLITICAL CAREER IN THE NEXT ELECTION.>>WE PAID A HIGH POLITICAL PRICE BUT WE DID THE RIGHT THING. LOOK, THERE ARE AUSTRALIANS ALIVE TODAY BECAUSE WE TOOK THAT ACTION. I MEAN HOW MUCH SAY LIFE WORTH?>>BUT JIM MANLY KNOWS THAT THE TRUE PUBLIC SERVANT HAS NOR IMPORTANT CONCERNS.>>WHAT MAKES A POLITICIAN SUCCESSFUL?>>GETTING RE-ELECTED BY HIS OR HER CONSTITUENTS.>>RIGHT, YEAH. THAT IS HOW YOU JUDGE SUCCESS.>>OKAY, THAT– WELL, GETTING LEGISLATION DONE.>>IS SECOND.>>IS SECOND, YES.>>THAT IS SECOND. HOLLY [BLEEP], THAT IS SECOND?>>IF I COULD REWIND THIS TAPE I WOULD SAY GETTING LEGISLATION DONE AND GETTING RE-ELECTED BY YOUR CONSTITUENTS.>>BUT SERIOUSLY YOU CAN’T REMIND– REWIND THE TAPE LET’S GO WITH THE ANSWER YOU GAVE.>>IF YOU DON’T GET RE-ELECTED, YOU KNOW, YOU JUST ROADKILL IN THE POLITICAL PROCESS AND YOU’RE JUST ANOTHER LOSER.>>TRAGICALLY NOT EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS THIS.>>WHAT MAKES A POLITICIAN SUCCESSFUL? GO.>>MAKING SOCIETY A BETTER PLACE.>>NO, NO, NO, ROB, NO. LOOK, WE CAN– WE CAN ACTUALLY REWIND THE TAPE. ARE WE ROLLING? WHAT MAKES A POLITICIAN SUCCESSFUL.>>YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO GOVERN IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE PEOPLE THAT YOU SERVE.>>LOOK, ROB, I’M GOING OUT ON A LIMB HERE. I ALREADY TOLD SOMEONE ELSE I CAN’T DO THIS WHEN I CAN.>>I HOPE YOU HAVE A LOT OF TAPE.>>TRUE SUCCESS IS A LIFELONG POLITICIAN LIKE HARRY REID WHOSE WATERED DOWN GUN LEGISLATION WAS CAREFULLY DESIGNED TO PROTECT THOSE WHO NEEDED IT MOST.>>HE HAS A RESPONSIBILITY AS THE DEMOCRATIC LEADER TO PROTECT THE CAUCUS.>>THE CAUCUS NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED, THE CAUCUS DOES.>>THEY NEED TO BE PROTECTED POLITICALLY.>>HOW MANY POLITICAL CAREERS HAVE BEEN TRAGICALLY ENDED BY GUN CONTROL.>>WE’VE LOST SOME GOOD FOLKS OVER THE YEARS BECAUSE OF THEIR VIEWS.>>RIGHT. YOU HAVE A PERFECTLY HEALTHY POLITICAL CAREER AND THEN BANG.>>JUST LIKE THAT.>>WHICH MEANS FORMER AUSTRALIA PRIME MINISTER JOHN HOWARD HAS BLOOD ON HIS HANDS.>>DOW EVER THINK ABOUT THE INNOCENT VICTIMS OF YOUR GUN CONTROL.>>THERE WERE NO INNOCENT VICTIMS OF MY– THERE WERE NO VICTIMS AT ALL. THERE IS THE PHOTOGRAPH OF ROB, HE WAS INCREDIBLY COURAGEOUS SUPPORTING OUR LAWS.>>BUT POLITICALLY HE IS DEAD, BANG, JUST LIKE THAT.>>WE LOST AN ELECTION AS WE ALL DO AT SOME POINT.>>BUT HOWARD IS NOT ALONE. HIS DEPUTY PRIME MINISTER TIM FISHER ALSO REFUSES TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THESE CAREER MASSACRES.>>OH, YOU DON’T LOOK AT THESE FACES AND FEEL GUILT?>>WELL, THEY ARE ALIVE. AND –>>THEY’RE DEAD, THEY’RE POLITICALLY DEAD.>>I HOPE THAT THOSE WHO TOTALLY VETO ANY MOVE TO BRING SENSIBLE, SEMI AUCTION AND AUCTION WEAPON CONTROL TO THE SUBURBS OF AMERICA ARE ALSO POLITICALLY DEAD BUT PHYSICALLY ALIVE.>>NOT IN I COULD HELP IT. NEVER AGAIN WILL A POLITICAL CAREER END IN A SENSELESS ACT OF MEANINGFUL LEGISLATION.>>THE VERDICT IS JUST ALL OF THESE, ALL OF THEM ARE DEAD, POLITICALLY NOT PHYSICALLY, PHYSICALLY THEY ARE PROBABLY SAFER.>>IT IS VERY DARK.>>I MEAN AGAIN, JUST TO REITERATE PHYSICALLY THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY FINE BUT IT MAKES YOU THINK.>>UNFORTUNATELY, WHAT SPENDING TIME WITH POLITICALLY DEAD AUSTRALIA POLITICIANS MADE ME THINK ABOUT WAS HOW HORRIBLY WRONG WE HAVE IT IN AMERICA.>>THANKS FOR SPEAK WITH ME ROB.>>PLEASURE.>>ARE YOU A GREAT HUMAN BEING.>>THANK YOU.>>IT’S JUST BY ALL AMERICAN STANDARDS, YOU ARE A [BLEEP] POLITICIAN. AND THE FACT THAT THAT IS TRUE IS WHY I AM NOW GOING TO WALK INTO THE [BLEEP] OCEAN.>>IN AMERICA WE’RE TOLD GUN CONTROL IS NOT POSSIBLE. BUT IN AUSTRALIA, THEY HAVE SHOWN IT IS. PROVIDING A FANTASTIC LESSON FOR AMERICA TO IGNORE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>>Jon: JOHN OLVER, WE’LL BE

Graham Norton Explains What The Hell Is Going On With Brexit


>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY! FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT —
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT DOES WHAT
I DO BUT WITH A CHARMING ACCENT. PLEASE WELCOME THE HOST OF “THE
GRAHAM NORTON SHOW,” GRAHAM NORTON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>HI, EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW! DID THEY ALL GOOGLE ME BEFORE I
CAME OUT? THEY SEEM TO KNOW WHO I AM!>>Stephen: WE HANDED OUT
PAMPHLETS.>>INFO SHEETS.>>Stephen: EVERYBODY KNOWS. THEY WATCH YOU ONLINE.>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. LOVELY TO SEE YOU.>>Stephen: I ADMIRE YOUR
SHOW, YOUR SKILL, BUT I ADMIRE ON YOUR TELEVISION YOU CAN WEAR
COLORFUL THINGS. YOU LOOK LOVELY.>>THIS I BOUGHT MYSELF. THIS IS MODEL’S OWN.>>Stephen: I DON’T KNOW EVEN
KNOW WHERE I GOT MY GLASSES. ( LAUGHTER )
>>YOU LOOK SHARP, THOUGH.>>Stephen: SO DO YOU. THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, YOU
SAID ONE OF THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE SHOWS IN ENGLAND AND
OVER HERE, YOUR SHOW AND MY SHOW, YOU GET YOUR GUESTS BOOZED
UP.>>NOT BOOZED UP. WE OFFER THEM. IS THIS STILL WATER?>>Stephen: IT IS. BUT WE HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>THAT’S A WELCOME! I’D LOVE SOME!>>Stephen: THIS IS SOME OF
THAT –>>HAVE YOU GOT ICE OR ARE YOU
LIKE ANIMALS?>>Stephen: ONE CUBE OF ICE
WILL BE VERY EUROPEAN.>>NICE. ARE YOU RATIONING ICE NOW?>>Stephen: NO, I DON’T WANT
TO FREAK YOU OUT BY HAVING MORE THAN ONE ICE CUBE. THERE YOU GO.>>WHAT IS THIS?>>Stephen: ICE. IT’S WHAT SANK THE TITANIC. ( LAUGHTER )
>>WE SHOULD STEER CLEAR. OOOH!>>Stephen: HERE WE GO. TO TALKING FOR A LIVING.>>YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.>>Stephen: THAT IS TASTY. IT IS WEIRD THAT TWO TALK
SHOW HOSTS SHOULDN’T MEET. THIS IS LIKE DOGS SNIFFING
AROUND EACH OTHER. IT’S KIND OF WRONG.>>Stephen: YOU SMELL
DELIGHTFUL, I MUST SAY. I PROMISE NOT TO HUMP YOUR LEG. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU LIVE IN THE U.K.>>I DO.>>Stephen: CAN YOU EXPLAIN
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OVER THERE? BECAUSE WE’VE ALL BEEN WATCHING,
LIKE, QUESTIONS OF THE PRIME MINISTER, WE’VE ALL BEEN
WATCHING PARLIAMENT FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS, IT’S ABSOLUTE CHAOS.>>IT’S NUTS. YOU DON’T NORMALLY SEE THAT. YOU DON’T NORMALLY SEE THE
INSIDE OF PARLIAMENT WHERE IT IS ABSOLUTE BEDLAM. BUT I THINK THE UNITED KINGDOM
WAS EMBARRASSED FOR AMERICA, FELT LIKE YOU’RE ALL ALONE OUT
ON THE WORLD STAGE, SO WE FOUND OUR OWN ANGRY CABBAGE PATCH KID,
AND — ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
— AND MADE HIM THE LEADER. IT’S INCREDIBLE! IT’S, LIKE, YOU KNOW THE G7,
SUDDENLY YOU FELT LIKE DON HAS A FRIEND. THEY CAN HANG OUT TOGETHER. IT’S, LIKE, A PLAY DATE.>>Stephen: BORIS JOHNSON
LOOKS LIKE SUCH A CHEAP KNOCK OFF OF DONALD TRUMP THAT HE
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IN TIMES SQUARE PRETENDING TO BE DONALD
TRUMP TO GET YOUR PHOTO WITH OUT THERE. ( APPLAUSE )
>>I WOULDN’T TRUST HIM TO WATER MY PLANTS WHILE AWAY BUT HE’S
THE PRIME MINISTER.>>Stephen: EXPLAIN THIS —
I SO CAN’T EXPLAIN THIS ANYTHIN>>Stephen: THE PRIME MINISTER
IS THE LEADER OF MAJORITY IN PARLIAMENT BUT HE LOST HIS
MAJORITY TWO DAYS AGO. WH STILL THE PRIME
MINISTER? WHAT HE CLEVERLY DID IS SAID IF
ANYONE VOTES AGAINST ME IN MY PARTY, I WILL FIRE YOU.>>Stephen: KICK YOU OUT OF
THE PARTY.>>YES. THEY DID VOTE AGAINST HIM AND HE
FIRED THEM. SO HIS MAJORITY GETS LESS AND
LESS. IT’S LIKE HE’S DRILLING HOLES IN
HIS OWN SHIP OUT OF SPITE. I’LL SHOW YOU, AND, LOOK,
THERE’S A WORD CALLED PAROGUE, WHICH IS LIKE SHUTTING DOWN THE
PARLIAMENT.>>Stephen: NO ONE’S HEARD
THIS WORD BEFORE.>>YOU FEEL LIKE THE QUEEN
DOESN’T EVEN KNOW THE WORD. ONE SHOULD PAROGUE? IS THAT THE ONE WITH THE FINGER? ( LAUGHTER )
I.>>Stephen: I DIDN’T KNOW IT
WAS ANYTHING SHE COULD DO LEGALLY. I THOUGHT SHE WAS A NICE TOURIST
TRAP.>>SHE IS. SHE HAS TO SAY YES. SHE CAN’T SAY NO. SHE’S THE QUEEN.>>Stephen: NOW YOU HAVE YOUR
SECOND NOVEL TH “THE KEEPER.” WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME TO
WRITE A NOVEL?>>THIS IS MY HOBBY. THIS ISN’T MY JOB, I’M NOT A
NOVELIST.>>Stephen: ARE THERE THINGS
YOU LIKE MORE ABOUT THIS THAN ACTUALLY DOING A TALK SHOW?>>WELL, THERE’S THE THING —
YOU KNOW THIS — THAT IN ANYTHING WE DO, THERE HAS TO BE
A MEETING.>>Stephen: SURE. YOU AT THE SIDE VERY LITTLE.>>Stephen: EXACTLY. UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.>>YES, UNTIL NOW. SO IT’S JUST THAT THIS IS A
SOLITAIRE OCCUPATION, AND I LOVE THAT. I LOVE BEING IN A ROOM BY MYSELF
IN THE WORLD WITH THESE CHARACTERS, THE BOOKS ARE SET IN
IRELAND, AND, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MY SUMMERS THERE, SO IT’S QUITE
NICE TO BE IN LONDON, IN MY OFFICE, AND GOING BACK TO
IRELAND IN MY HEAD.>>Stephen: PRETENDING IT’S
LOVELY.>>THIS HELPS, TOO.>>Stephen: DOESN’T IT THOUGH? CHEERS
>>STEPHEN: “A KEEPER” IS AVAILABLE NOW. GRAHAM NORTON, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.