Death in a Can: Australia’s Euthanasia Loophole – VICE INTL (Australia)


Hi, I’m Ben Anderson from Vice-New York-office our friends are the vice Australia office And the company that sells products that help people end their own lives this is death, in a can. I can run you through how you actually use it if you like . the whole process [alright] the way the process works Connect the regulator and then with the plastic bag you put the hose that connects that to the bag? Inside the bag and stick it to the inside of the bag You put the bag on your head first of all and let it fill up By switching it on it’ll fill up. It’s full of nitrogen No, oxygen, then you breathe out totally get rid of every bit of gas in your lungs best you can Hold your breath a minute Pull this down and take the biggest breath you can and you’re swapping the gas in your lungs from air To nitrogen within fractions of a second you faint you faint straight away then you’re just in a fainted state , continue to breathe quite easily the bag just Expands and contracts and the gas is flowing into the bag, but you’re in a 0% Environment and you’ll die in about 3 or 4 minutes after that Max dog is a company we set up it really is a way to facilitate the distribution of these Nitrogen cylinders Which can be used for brewing which is why we call ourself max dog brewing but of course the main use for these cylinders is For people who want to have access to a peaceful and reliable death at the time of their choosing Hello I’m Betty from exit In my last piece of film I showed you how balloon helium gas could be used to provide a peaceful death This time I want to show you a new system. That’s now available One that has several advantages over the previous method The movement of Nitrogen as a gas to dispense beer with has become more and more of an issue over the last Few years I’ve been to a number of beer festivals around the world where they have nitrogen nights. We’ve got this idea that instead of using One of the traditional means for peaceful death was to use a gas, and I’ve traditionally people are using helium Why not use nitrogen and so that’s what we started to do so we set up a company to make [sure] that people have access to nitrogen. It’s very peaceful, and it’s totally legal and it has one other unique phenomena a unique characteristic and that is ,that it’s totally undetectable. I’ve seen several autopsy reports, and they’ve all come back cause undetermined Undetermined or inconclusive is how they describe it well? I’m going to ask yourself a question How does it do that if I’m in a room by [myself], and I’ve decided to use this [Mac’s] dog brewing I have to kill myself and I have a quick quick a glass of IPA And then I put the hood on and get on with it somebody’s going to find my body sooner or later with it with Paraphernalia on my head and it’s an empty cylinder next to me and it’s quite clear, then what happened So what we’re talking about really is where someone actually removes? The evidence the gas bottles and other stuff after the event for the sake of effecting this Undetectable death we’ve involved not one person But at least two and that’s in fact why I reported it to the medical board. I thought well You know it seems to me to be quite irresponsible to do that. Yes. I’m 63 years old. I’ve got a Chronic lymphocytic Leukemia, and I’m in the last stages of that disease and I’ve also got breast cancer. Well, I’m very sad but naturally, I’m very anxious about the end and Would like [to] have total control over The end of my life, I’d like to die at home. I’d like to die with my family Supporting me and I’d like to be able to say [goodbye] to them but unfortunately that’s not possible because of the way the law is they could be under suspicion [for] assisting me to suicide, so Unfortunately, I’m going to have to not include my family in my death [and] that’s very makes me very bitter suicide is not a crime But anyone who might attempt and might help you [end] your life That’s assist you advise or counsel you Can suffer serious criminal Sanction in fact two states of Australia still have a possible penalty of life imprisonment? For assisting someone to take that legal step of ending their life, and this is an anomaly. There’s no other example in law Where assisting someone to do something which is legal Attracts any penalty leave alone a penalty of such savagery if I came along and gave you the drugs and said here If you take these drugs you will die that [would] be assisting Giving people Mac’s dog nitrogen and saying you can use this and go and brew yourself some beer if you want to Or you can use it if you want to end your life Takes it right on the Edge because what we’re saying is that this can be used in that way But it can be used in other ways and because we’re not telling people to do this is effectively our defense] No one can tell you how long you’ve got but I know that I won’t live for much longer if I’m lucky enough to be home. I’ll have Probably a nice meal. I’ll probably have a drink of some Baileys Irish cream and I’ll settle myself into my [favourite] chair with my cats and I’ll peacefully go to sleep I I Think [sometimes] I do get painted as a bit of a ogre in the suggestion [that] I want people [to] live [on] indefinitely and you know at all costs and regardless of the pain that’s just not the case and Certainly that’s not the case in palliative services . palliative care is defined by two elements : that one is Reducing + relieving pain and one is to neither prolong nor shorten life So when we are talking about a natural situation, and we could care people get good advice as well So they get to weigh their choices maybe they do want to get another round of chemotherapy because of x y zed or maybe that’s enough so it’s not as if You know getting that kind of support is the end of choice. It’s not it’s actually an opening-up of choice Knowing you’ve got something in the cupboard That will give you a peaceful reliable death is immensely Sustaining in the context of serious illness people and we’ve know a number [of] them and to wake up every day with their serious cancer And say you know it’s dreadful But [if] it gets too bad, then I’ve [just] got to go to the cupboard get up my nitrogen cylinder And I can have a peaceful death and what that does having that knowledge having that ability is That it gives them the courage to keep on and I think it’s entirely consistent with harm minimization as a good medical principle Look, I’m not afraid of dying, but I am I am afraid of being forced to endure suffering and the indignity of being of being Totally dependent on other people while I’m dying and for that reason I [think] it’s my , should be my choice to actually Say enough s enough, and I want out Simple as that. It’s just a choice You can buy these cylinders we’ve been selling them all over Australia increasingly We’re selling them around the world once you’ve got them. You keep them forever infinite shelf life , it is not a prohibited substance Provided you’re comfortable of the process it will work well you

President Trump: “I Like To Obey The Law”


>>WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE
LATE SHOW. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S JUST OUR SECOND SHOW OF 2020. AND SO FAR, WE’RE NOT DOING TOO
WELL ON THE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION OF “DON’T GO TO WAR
WE’VE BEEN WAITING ON PINS AND NEEDLES TO SEE HOW IRAN WOULD
RESPOND. IT’S LIKE OUR COUNTRY HAS SENT
AN IMPULSIVE LATE-NIGHT TEXT, AND NOW WE’RE STARRING AT THOSE
THREE LITTLE DOTS. THIS MORNING, A TOP IRANIAN
SECURITY OFFICIAL REVEALED THE COUNTRIES THAT DRAWN UP 13
SCENARIOS TO RETALIATE– ALSO KNOWN AS AN AYATOLLAH’S DOZEN. U.S. OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY
CONCERNED THAT IRAN COULD TRY TO STRIKE A HIGH-LEVEL AMERICAN
LEADER. WELL, I DON’T KNOW WHO THE
EQUIVALENT OF SOLEIMANI WOULD BE IN THE UNITED STATES. WHO WOULD IT HAVE TO BE? IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A WELL-KNOWN
MILITARY LEADER WHO IS A NATIONAL SYMBOL OF SECURITY AND
STABILITY. OH, MY GOD! IT’S THE GENERAL! GET OUT OF THERE, SIR! TRUMP ISN’T REAL HAPPY ABOUT
IRAN NOT BEING REAL HAPPY WITH HIM, AND HE SHOWED THAT TODAY
WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRIME MINISTER OF GREECE FOR A VERY
GRUMPY EPISODE OF: “CHAIR CHAT!>>Stephen: TRUMP WAS ASKED
ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE OUT SOLEIMANI, AND HE HAD NO
REGRETS.>>HE WAS TRAVELING WITH THE
HEAD OF HEZBOLLAH. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO DISCUSS A
VACATION. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO GO TO A
NICE RESORT SOMEPLACE IN BAGHDAD.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“AND THAT’S WHY WE BLEW HIM UP, BECAUSE HE WASN’T STAYING AT ONE
OF MY HOTELS.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AFTER GETTING CRITICIZED FOR
THREATENING TO ATTACK IRAN’S CULTURAL SITES, TRUMP WALKED IT
BACK… KIND OF SORT OF.>>THEY ARE ALLOWED TO KILL OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MAIM OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BLOW UP
EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE, AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT STOPS
THEM, AND WE ARE, ACCORDING TO VARIOUS LAWS, SUPPOSED TO BE
VERY CAREFUL WITH THEIR CULTURAL HERITAGE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THAT IS WHAT THE LAW IS, I
LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW.( AS TRUMP )
“I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW, JUST ASK PAUL MANAFORT OR MICHAEL
COHEN. IF THEY EVER GET OUT OF FEDERAL
PRISON, THEY WILL VOUCH FOR ME. THOSE TWO GUYS– THEY’RE GONNA,
THEY’RE GONNA… WITH THE GREEK PRIME MINISTER
SITTING BESIDE HIM, TRUMP ALSO PRAISED AMERICANS OF GREEK
HERITAGE.>>WE HAVE A TREMENDOUS GREEK
POPULATION, OVER THREE MILLION PEOPLE, AS I UNDERSTAND IT. THAT’S FANTASTIC. I REALLY FEEL I KNOW MOST OF
THEM. I THINK I KNOW ALL OF THEM, COME
TO THINK OF IT.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I KNOW EVERYONE FROM GREECE: RIZZO. FRENCHY. DANNY ZUKO. ♪ TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE ♪ DID YOU GET VERY FAR? TELL ME MORE
♪ TELL ME MORE LIKE, DOES HE HAVE A CAR? ♪ UH-HUH, UH-HUH
UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>COME ON, MAN. GET INTO IT!>>Stephen: SO THINGS ARE BAD
WITH IRAN, BUT DON’T WORRY, THINGS ARE ALSO BAD WITH IRAQ. ON SUNDAY, IRAQ’S PARLIAMENT
VOTED TO EXPEL AMERICAN TROOPS. SO IRAQ SAID, “GET OUT.” AND THE PENTAGON WAS LIKE… OKAY. EVIDENTLY, BECAUSE YESTERDAY WE
FOUND OUT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT SENT IRAQ A LETTER SAYING THEY
WERE REPOSITIONING OUR FORCES FOR MOVEMENT OUT OF IRAQ. BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE
RELEASE OF THAT LETTER, OUR TOP GENERAL SAID THE LETTER
SUGGESTING THE U.S. WOULD WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ WAS A
“MISTAKE.” OOPSA-TROOPSY! THE PAYING SAYS THE COPY OF THE
ENSIGNED LETTER LEAKED TO THE PRESS WAS A DRAFT. IT WAS NEVER SENT AS A FORMAL
MEMORANDUM. YOU CAN’T SEND SOMEONE A LETTER
OF THAT MAGNITUDE AND THEN SAY IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING. IT’S LIKE SAYING, “HONEY, THAT
BREAKUP EMAIL WAS FROM MY DRAFTS FOLDER. NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, WITH THIS
RING, I THEE WED.”

Stephen Speaks Out Against Diplomatic Bullying


WELCOME TO” LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HAPPY FRIDAY, WE MADE IT. SAFE. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE FUN PLANS FOR
THE WEEKEND. ANY PLANS?>>Jon: YES, INDEED, I’M GOING
TO GO HOME AND NAP.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GOOD. MY PLANS– I’M GOING TO SPEND
THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN MY CLOSET BANGING ON THE BACK WALL TO TRY
TO FIND THE WAY TO NARNIA. IF THAT FAILS, I KNOW THERE’S A
BOTTLE OF BOURBON IN THERE.>>Jon: PROBABLY SO, YOU’RE
RIGHT.>>Stephen: NARNIA OR BUST. ALL WEEK, ALL WEEK, PUNDITS AND
POLITICIANS HAVE BEEN ASKING THEMSELVES, “HOW DID WE GET
HERE?” ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT IS THE MORAL G.P.S. THAT LED US TO THIS CLIFF? HIGHWAY DID TRUMP WIN? WAS THIS THE REVENGE OF THE
WHITE, WORKING CLASS VOTERS? WAS HILLARY CLINTON COMPLACENT
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. DID WE ANGER THE VOLCANO GOD? I SAID WE SHOULD HAVE THROWN
TAYLOR SWIFT IN THERE. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. IT TURNS OUT TMAY BE NONE OF THE
ABOVE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BLAMING ALL
THE FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS THAT WAS PRO-TRUMP AND ANTI-HILLARY. IN FACT, MORE FAKE NEWS WAS
SHARED ON FACEBOOK THAN REAL NEWS. SO WHERE DID IT COME FROM? TURNS OUT A LOT OF IT CAME FROM
FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS WRITER AND MINDFREAK WANNABE, PAUL HORNER,
WHO SAYS, “I THINK DONALD TRUMP IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE BECAUSE OF
ME.” OKAY! DID YOU HEAR THAT, FUTURE TIME
TRAVELLERS? NOW YOU KNOW WHO TO HUNT LAST
YEAR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AAAH! ALTHOUGH, I GOTTA SAY, PRETTY
RUDE OF HIM NOT TO GIVE AT LEAST PARTIAL CREDIT TO JAMES COMEY. CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. HORNER CREDITS HIMSELF FOR SUCH
INFLUENTIAL FAKE NEWS ITEMS AS, “THE AMISH IN AMERICA COMMIT
THEIR VOTE TO DONALD TRUMP, MATHEMATICALLY GUARANTEEING
HIM A PRESIDENTIAL VICTORY.” “OBAMA SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER
BANNING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT ALL SPORTING EVENTS NATIONWIDE,”
AND “GAY WEDDING MOBILE VANS CASHING IN ON THE LEGALIZATION
OF GAY MARRIAGE.” BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU THINK GAY
PEOPLE YOU THINK ONE THING– VANS.>>Jon: THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: AND HORNER KNOWS
WHO HE CAN THANK FOR HIS SUCCESS, SAYING:
“HONESTLY, PEOPLE ARE DEFINITELY DUMBER. THEY JUST KEEP PASSING STUFF
AROUND. NOBODY FACT-CHECKS ANYTHING
ANYMORE. I MEAN, THAT’S HOW TRUMP GOT
ELECTED.” OH, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT
EVERYBODY, BUT CERTAIN PEOPLE DEFINITELY DON’T SEEM SMART. FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
THE FAKE NEWS WRITER WHO BRAGGED ABOUT ELECTING A REALITY SHOW
ABOUT ELECTING TRUMP TO THE COUNTRY HE HAS IT TO LIVE IN. OF COURSE, THIS ISN’T HORNER’S
FIRST BRUSH WITH FAME. LOOK AT THESE HEADLINES. “PAUL HORNER TRAMPLED BY ALPACA
AT BEASTIALITY CLUB. NATION REJOICES.” “DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN AND THEN
FEASTS ON THE FLESH OF PAUL HORNER.” BUT ACTUALLY, WE MADE THOSE UP,
FULL DISCLOSER. AND I KIND OF WISH MORE NEWS WAS
FAKE RIGHT NOW.>>Jon: OH, YEAH.>>Stephen: YEAH. I DON’T LIKE SOME OF THE REAL
HEADLINES I’M SEEING, LIKE THIS ONE, “MORE THAN 400
INCIDENTS OF HATEFUL HARASSMENT AND INTIMIDATION
SINCE THE ELECTION. FOR INSTANCE, INDIANA, WHERE
AN EPISCOPAL CHURCH WAS VANDALIZED WITH A SWASTIKA AND
THE WORDS ‘HEIL TRUMP’.” I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I MEAN, IT’S 2016. CAN WE PLEASE WAIT A LITTLE
LONGER BEFORE PUTTING UP THE 2020 CAMPAIGN SIGNS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT’S EVEN INFECTING FASHION,
BECAUSE THIS WEEK A NEO-NAZI BLOGGER DECLARED NEW
BALANCE THE “OFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE.” UTILL NOW, THEY WERE THE
UNOFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE. THE “FASCIST-NISTA” WENT ON TO
WRITE: “THIS WILL BE FANTASTIC. WE WILL BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE ONE
ANOTHER BY OUR SPORTSWEAR.” FINALLY, A WAY FOR NAZIS TO
RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THE SWASTIKA NECK TATTOO WAS
A LITTLE SUBTLE. THIS ALL STARTED– YAY! NECK TATTOO. THIS ALL STARTED AFTER NEW
BALANCE SUPPORTED THE ELECTION OF DONALD TRUMP, STATEMENTING,
“THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TURNED A DEAF EAR TO US AND, FRANKLY,
WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP, WE FEEL THINGS ARE GOING TO MOVE IN
THE RIGHT DIRECTION.” PEOPLE GOT SO MAD AT NEW BALANCE
FOR SUPPORTING TRUMP LIKE THIS, THEY FILMED THEMSELVES SETTING
THEIR SHOES ON FIRE. IT’S THE MOST MOVING ACT OF
SHOE-RELATED CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE SINCE DR. MARTIN LUTHER SCHOLLS’
“LETTER FROM A BIRMINGHAM FOOT LOCKER.” HE MADE UP IT THE MOUNTAINTOP
VERY FAST. HE RAN UP THE THING. HE WAS GELLING. NOW, I KNOW OUR NATION IS
DIVIDED RIGHT NOW, BUT DO WE HAVE TO DRAG FOOTWEAR INTO IT? I’M A WHITE MALE OF A CERTAIN
AGE WHO ENJOYS KHAKIS. DON’T TAKE MY NEW BALANCE FROM
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO WEAR WHEN I’M WAITING FOR MY WIFE
OUTSIDE THE TALBOT’S? SPEAKING OF BEING MARRIED. PEOPLE MARRIED? PEOPLE MARRIED.( APPLAUSE )
GUYS WHO WEAR WEDDING RINGS, IF
YOU’RE SHOPPING FOR ONE, SORRY
TO PUT YOU ON THE SPOT, GUYS, IF YOU’RE BUYING A RING,
BE SURE TO READ ALL THE SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS, BECAUSE THIS WEEK
DOCTORS REMOVED A WEDDING RING FROM A MAN’S PENIS. FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU CAN
ACTUALLY FIT A WEDDING RING AROUND YOUR PENIS,
CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING SOMEONE TO MARRY YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE MAN IN THIS STORY APPARENTLY
PUT THE BLING ON THE THING FOR “EROTIC REASONS.” WEKKM LIKE BEYONCE SAID, “IF YOU
LIKE IT, YOU BETTER PUT A RING ON IT.”>>Jon: YAY!>>Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. IT’S TRUE. ♪ ♪ ♪
AS FOR THE MAN’S TREATMENT OPTIONS, DOCTORS SAID,
“NO PROPER GUIDELINES EXIST FOR THE TREATMENT OF THIS CONDITION,
SO THE BEST METHOD IS THE ONE WITH A SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME.” YES, HOPEFULLY HE’LL HAVE A
SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME. WHAT HE WANTED WAS A HAPPY
ENDING. NOW, IF THERE WEREN’T ENOUGH
TROUBLING NEWS ALREADY THIS WEEK, IT WAS JUST REVEALED THAT
AFTER 11 SEASONS AND DECLINING VIEWERSHIP “DUCK DYNASTY” IS
SAYING GOOD-BYE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. I’M SAD, TOO. ( LAUGHTER )
TURNS OUT THE GUYS WANTED TO SPEND MORE TIME EXPLORING THEIR
TRUE PASSION– CHALLENGING SQUIRRELS TO STARING CONTESTS. NO WORD YET ON WHAT THE GUYS
PLAN TO DO NEXT, BUT MY MONEY’S ON PHIL ROBERTSON BEING CHOSEN
THE NEXT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, UNITED AIRLINES JUST ANNOUNCED THEY’RE OFFERING A
CHEAPER TICKET OPTION CALLED “BASIC ECONOMY,” NOT TO BE
CONFUSED WITH THE NAME OF THE BOOK DONALD TRUMP IS FRANTICALLY
READING RIGHT NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY, THE FUTURE IS A COIN TOSS! IN UNITED’S BASIC ECONOMY,
PASSENGERS “WON’T BE ABLE TO CHOOSE THEIR SEATS, WILL BE
LAST TO BOARD THE PLANE, AND WON’T BE ABLE TO CARRY ON MORE
THAN ONE PERSONAL ITEM THAT WILL FIT UNDER THE SEAT IN FRONT
OF THEM.” ALSO, YOU CAN’T HAVE LEGS, AND
ALL THE BABIES ON THE PLANE WILL CRY INTO TUBES THAT GO DIRECTLY
INTO YOUR EARS. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF A LIVING NIGHTMARE– NORTH KOREA HAS LONG BEEN RULED
BY SUPREME LEADER AND BIEWR ITO SUPREME, KIM JONG-UN. AND RECENTLY, NORTH KOREAN
OFFICIALS LODGED A FORMAL REQUEST WITH CHINA TO PROHIBIT
NAMES DISPARAGING KIM JONG-UN, SPECIFICALLY, THE
NICKNAME KIM FATTY III” THAT’S JUST MEAN. WHY ARE YOU FAT SHAMING THIS
GUY WHICH YOU COULD BE HUMAN-RIGHTS SHAMING THIS GUY? PLUS, IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE
FUN OF HIM– KIM’S A GIRL’S NAME. NOW, THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM
FOR NORTH KOREA, AS THE COUNTRY’S GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
ARE TERRIFIED ABOUT THE INSULT AND LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO
BLAME. IF HE’S LOOKING TO PLACE BLAME
ON SOMEONE ABOUT HIS WEIGHT, MAY I SUGGEST HIS MOUTH. I WANT TO TAKE A BOLD STANCE
AGAINST CYBERBULLYING, WHICH IS WHY I’M GOING TO RECORD AN
IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT OVER IN CAMERA ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
HI, I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK
THEIR BONES, BUT WORDS CAN REALLY HURT THEM. HI, I’M STILL STEVE COLBERT. I’D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO
SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE EPIDEMIC OF WORLD-LEADER BULLYING. IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT, BUT AS
WE SPEAK, HEADS OF STATE ARE BEING VICIOUSLY MOCKED IN EVERY
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, EXCEPT CANADA. THAT GUY’S JUST HOT. Y( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU MAY HAVE EVEN BULLIED WORLD LEADERS YOURSELF WITH NICKNAMES
LIKE “ANTHRAX Q. RABBITMOUTH,” “SECRET AGENT HORSE FONDLER,”
AND “LADY PAUL MCCARTNEY.” ( LAUGHTER )
NO MATTER HOW ACCURATE IT IS, IT IS CRUEL. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK OF
CALLING KIM JONG-UN “KIM FATTY III,” OR “THE CABBAGE
PATCH DICTATOR,” OR “MAN WHO ATE BOTH KIDD AND PLAY,” JUST
REMEMBER– HE HAS FEELINGS, TOO. AND A NUCLEAR WEAPON. SO SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. WILLIAM H. MACY IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I’M GOING TO
SIT AMERICA DOWN AND GIVE IT A LITTLE FATHERLY ADVICE. STICK AROUND!

Nathan For You – Claw of Shame – The Event


[dramatic music]
– ALL RIGHT, WE’RE BACK,
AND THIS IS IT.
THE STAGE IS SET.
NATHAN HAS 90 SECONDS
TO FREE HIMSELF
FROM THOSE CUFFS
AND HIT THAT RED BUTTON
TO HIS RIGHT.
THE BUTTON IS A KILL SWITCH.
IT IS THE ONLY THING
THAT CAN STOP
THE PROGRAMMED MOTION
OF THE ROBOT
FROM TAKING OFF NATHAN’S PANTS
IN FRONT OF THESE KIDS.
AND NOW HE WILL
DELIVER THE LINE
GIVEN TO HIM
BY JUDGE FILOSA.
– SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN HERE,
AND IF IT DOES,
SO WHAT?
– AND WITH THAT,
HE HAS ESTABLISHED
WILLFUL INTENT.
SO IF HE
EXPOSES HIMSELF TONIGHT,
IN THE EYES OF THE LAW,
IT WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED
AN ACCIDENT.
– READY!
– GO!
– AND WE
ARE UNDERWAY NOW.
HMM, STRUGGLING.
LOOKED AS THOUGH HE–
HE PULLED A PICK
STRAIGHT FROM HIS HAIR.
NATHAN WORKING
ON THOSE HANDCUFFS.
WE ARE
80 SECONDS AWAY
FROM A LIFETIME
OF SCORN
FOR NATHAN.
[tense music]
NOW THE ROBOT
GOING TO THAT–
THAT FLY.
THE FLY IS DOWN.
AND WHILE
HE’S WORKING
ON THE HANDCUFFS,
THE ROBOT
CONTINUES TO WORK
ON THE PANTS.

APPEARS AS THOUGH
HE’S TAUNTING.
NO, HE’S GOING
FOR THAT LOOP.
NOW HAS
THE BUTTON UNDONE.

AND THE KIDS
LAUGHING ALONG
WITH THE ROBOT’S ANTICS.
[robot whirring]
NATHAN STRUGGLING
WITH THAT PICK.
HE DROPPED THE PICK.

IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S CAUGHT
ON HIS CLOTHING,
AND NOW HE’S TRYING
TO RETRIEVE IT,
AND HE’S GOT IT.
GOT IT WITH HIS–
WHAT A CLOSE CALL,
AS HE RETRIEVES THE PICK
WITH HIS TONGUE.
HAD THAT FALLEN
TO THE GROUND,
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
ALL OVER.
NEXT IS GOING TO BE
THOSE LOOPS
ON THE HIP.
THIS IS GETTING
TIGHT HERE.
THE ROBOT NOW HAS
BOTH PANT LEGS DOWN,
IS ABOUT TO SECURE
THE LOOP
ON THE UNDERPANTS,
AND NATHAN’S STILL WORKING
ON THOSE CUFFS.
WE ARE JUST
20 SECONDS AWAY.
NATHAN WORKING
THOSE HANDCUFFS.
AND NOW IT LOOKS AS THOUGH,
WITH THE PANTS DOWN,
THE ROBOT GOING
FOR THAT UNDERWEAR LOOP.
WE ARE NOW AT TEN SECONDS
AND COUNTING.

WE HAVE JUST
A COUPLE SECONDS LEFT.
OH, NO, WE ARE SEEING
PUBIC HAIR.
[buzzer]
BUT HE HAS ESCAPED.
NATHAN FIELDER
HAS MANAGED TO ESCAPE
AND SAVE HIMSELF
FROM A LIFETIME OF SHAME.
THERE’S THE REPLAY.
THE MOMENT WHERE HE WAS ABLE
TO PICK THE CUFFS,
HIT THE BUTTON
JUST IN TIME.
AND YOU CAN SEE THE RELIEF
ON HIS FACE.
[triumphant music]
WELL, THERE YOU SEE IT.
HE TOOK ON GREAT RISK,
AND NOW THIS,
HIS REWARD.
CONGRATULATIONS
FROM THE JUDGE AND OFFICER.
– GOOD JOB.
– THANK YOU. – UM, SO THE ROBOT PULLED HIS PANTS DOWN. BUT HE WON. [giggles]
SO– – IT WAS REALLY FUNNY. I REALLY WANTED HIS PANTS
TO FALL DOWN ‘CAUSE IT’S HILARIOUS. – I WOULD HAVE BEEN
SORT OF OFFENDED IF IT–IF HIS UNDERWEAR
FELL DOWN, BUT NOT THAT MUCH. – HE PRESSED THE BUTTON,
AND THEN IT DIDN’T FALL DOWN. I WAS LIKE, “YES!” I WAS LIKE, “HALLELUJAH.”

– OKAY, BEFORE YOU GUYS–
BEFORE YOU GUYS LEAVE,
REMEMBER TO ALWAYS TAKE
BIG RISKS
AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
AND FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS,
JUST LIKE I DID.
I DRE–WELL, YEAH, I DID.
IT WAS–
IT WAS A DREAM OF–
[all laughing,
chattering at once]
YOU KIND OF TALKED
OVER MY SPEECH.

Does Opting Out Of Intelligence Briefings Violate A Norm Or A Law?


ALSO NEXT WEEKS, WE MIGHT TELL
SOME JOKES ABOUT DONALD TRUMP. BUT WE’LL SEE. WE’RE LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT
DONALD TRUMP AND HERE’S THE BEST THING, WE’RE LEARNING THINGS
FROM CRUMP DONALD TRUMP. HE’S TEACHING US. FOR INSTANCE, HE’S TEACHING US
THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS PRESIDENTS DO THAT WE ALL
ASSUMED ARE LAWS BUT ARE ACTUALLY JUST NORMS WE GOT USED
TO FROM PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS, LIKE THE ONE WHERE YOU WIN BY
GETTING THE MOST VOTES. NOT A LAW. I’M GOING TO EXPLAIN THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORM AND A LAW IN OUR NEW SEGMENT, “NORM OR
LAW?” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY, HERE’S THE DEAL. HERE’S HOW IT WORKS. IT’S NOTOO COMPLICATED. IF I DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT’S
A NORM, LIKE HOLDING THE DOOR FOR SOMEONE AT STARBUCKS, YOU’LL
HEAR THIS:>>”NORM!”
>>Stephen: IF INSTEAD I DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT IS A
LAW, LIKE NOT HOLDING SOMEONE HOSTAGE IN STARBUCKS, YOU’LL
HEAR THIS: ( “LAW&ORDER” THEME )
>>Stephen: FIRST UP, UNLIKE EVERY OTHER CANDIDATE FOR THE
PAST 40 YEARS, DONALD TRUMP REFUSED TO RELEASE HIS TAX
RETURNS, AND WE NEED TO SEE A PRESIDENT’S TAX RETURNS TO KNOW
IF HE’S A CROOK. FUN FACT, THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO
RELEASE HIS TAXES SAID THIS:>>I AM NOT A CROOK.>>Stephen: FUN FACT: CROOK. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IS A CANDIDATE RELEASING HIS TAX RETURNAISE NORM OR A LAW?>>NORM!>>Stephen: YES, IT’S JUST A
NORM. AND HERE’S THE CRAZY PART:
WHILE THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T HAVE TO RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS,
CABINET AND SUBCABINET-LEVEL POSITIONS ARE REQUIRED TO SUBMIT
THEIR TAX RETURNS TO THE SENATE. SO, LOWER LEVEL POSITIONS ARE
HELD TO A HIGHER STANDARD THAN THE PRESIDENT. THAT’S LIKE WALKING INTO A
RESTAURANT BATHROOM, AND THE SIGN SAYS, “ALL EMPLOYEES MUST
WASH HANDS, EXCEPT THE CHEF.” ( LAUGHTER )
DISTURBING. DISTURBING.( APPLAUSE )
NEXT UP ON “NORM OR LAW?,” TRUMP
IS THE RICHEST MAN EVER TO BE
PRESIDENT, WHICH IS QUITE AN ACHIEVEMENT CONSIDERING SEVERAL
OF THE FIRST ONES HAD “UNPAID FARMING INTERNS.” THAT’S TRUE. I DIDN’T MAKE THAT UP. SO WILL TRUMP USE THE PRESIDENCY
TO HELP HIS BUSINESS? PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS SOLD OFF
THEIR INVESTMENTS OR PUT THEM IN SOMETHING CALLED A BLIND TRUST,
WHICH I BELIEVE IS ALSO THE SLOGAN ON TRUMP’S NEW HAT. SO, TRUMP’S GOING TO DO THE SAME
BECAUSE THAT’S THE LAW, RIGHT?>>NORM!>>Stephen: NOPE, IT’S JUST A
NORM. TURNS OUT, “THE STRICT FEDERAL
RULES ABOUT FINANCIAL CONFLICTS OF INTEREST DO NOT APPLY TO THE
PRESIDENT, WHOSE INCENTIVE TO AVOID SELF-ENRICHMENT IS SIMPLY
ASSUMED.” YES, IT’S ASSUMED. AND WHEN YOU ASSUME ABOUT TRUMP,
IT MAKES AN ASS OUT OF YOU AND ME
( APPLAUSE ) AND, AND, I THINK WE KNOW WHO’S
GRABBING THAT ASS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP’S COMPANIES ARE ALL OVER THE WORLD. IS THERE ANY LAW STOPPING
FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS FROM THROWING BUSINESS HIS WAY TO GET
SPECIAL TREATMENT, OR IS IT JUST A NORM? ( “LAW&ORDER “THEME.>>Stephen: OH, THANK GOD. AND THIS ONE’S IN THE
CONSTITUTION. THEM’S THE BIG LAWS. IT’S CALLED THE EMOLUMENTS
CLAUSE, WHICH IS A FANCY WORD FOR “BRIBE.” THE FOUNDERS KNEW THAT EVEN
HONEST PEOPLE MIGHT BETRAY THEIR VALUES FOR CASH. IT’S HUMAN NATURE. JUST LIKE IT’S HUMAN NATURE TO
ENJOY THE GREAT TASTE OF ACTIVIA YOGURT. MMM-MMM-MMM. ACTIVIA. BE RIGHT BACK. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SO WHAT ABOUT DAILY INTELLIGENCE
BRIEFINGS? IT’S CRUCIAL FOR THE COMMANDER
IN CHIEF TO BE CONSTANTLY UPDATED ON THREATS AROUND THE
WORLD, BUT SO FAR, TRUMP HAS BEEN OPTING OUT OF THEM. THAT’S RIGHT, HE’S JUST “OPTING
OUT.” DONALD TRUMP IS TREATING OUR
NATIONAL SECURITY LIKE I TREAT EMAILS FROM POTTERY BARN. “STOP NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION? UNSUBSCRIBE!”
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT YOGURT IS REALLY GOOD. ( LAUGHTER )
SO IS REFUSING TO BE INFORMED VIOLATING A NORM OR LAW?>>NORM!>>Stephen: YEP. BUT DON’T WORRY. ACCORDING TO TRUMP ADVISOR
KELLYANNE CONWAY, INSTEAD OF BRIEFINGS FROM THE C.I.A., TRUMP
GETS HIS INFORMATION FROM “A NUMBER OF SOURCES” INCLUDING
“HIS PERSONAL AND ON-THE-PHONE MEETINGS WITH OVER WHAT’S NOW 41
WORLD LEADERS.” FIRST OF ALL, KELLYANNE, NO ONE
SAYS “OVER FRUN.” YOU CAN SAY “OVER 40” OR “ALMOST
50,” BUT WHEN YOU SAY “OVER 41,” WE ALL KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO
MAKE 42 SOUND BIGGER. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THERE’S A REASON PRESIDENTS DON’T GET NEWS ABOUT OTHER
COUNTRIES FROM THOSE COUNTRIES’ LEADERS. FOREIGN LEADERS LIE. LIKE FIDEL CASTRO, WHO, UNTIL
LAST WEEK, WOULD NOT ADMIT THAT HE WAS DEAD. WELL, THAT’S IT FOR THIS EDITION
OF “NORM OR LAW,” BUT I HAVE A FEELING WE’LL LEARN A LOT MORE
ABOUT WHAT’S TECHNICALLY LEGAL OVER THE NEXT FEW YEARS– FOR
INSTANCE, WHETHER WE KEEP THE NORM THAT AMERICA HAS LAWS.