Stephen Colbert Unpacks The First Debate Of The 2020 Campaign



WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
LATE SHOW." PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU SO MUCH. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW WE ARE LIVE–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A LIVE– THAT'S A LIVE
AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE. IT IS JUST CRACKLING WITH
ELECTRICITY IN HERE BECAUSE– ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: SHAKE, RATTLE AND ROLL. >> Stephen: WE ARE LIVE AFTER
THE FIRST TWO OF DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES. I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT
IT, IF BILL de BLASIO DOESN'T INTERRUPT ME. ( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT– TONIGHT, WEDNESDAY, WAS THE UNDERCARD,
PITTING ELIZABETH WARREN, CORY BOOKER, AND BETO O'ROURKE
AGAINST SEVEN PEOPLE ANGLING FOR MSNBC SHOWS. ( LAUGHTER )
THERE WERE SOME CHALLENGES– EXCITING NIGHT, BUT THERE WERE
CHALLENGES. THEY TALKED OVER EACH OTHER,
THERE WERE SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, BUT IT WAS AN
EXCELLENT DRESS REHEARSAL FOR TOMORROW'S ACTUAL DEBATE. ( LAUGHTER )
VERY GOOD. VERY ENTERTAINING. FINAL PREVIEW. FINAL PREVIEW, WE CALL THAT ON
BROADWAY. NOW, I TUNED INTO NBC EARLY, AND
WHAT I SAW GOT ME REALLY GOT ME EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW
DEBATE FORMAT. UNFORTUNATELY, THAT WAS ELLEN'S
"GAME OF GAMES." THOUGH, THAT GIANT BOOT WOULD
HAVE BEEN WELCOME ANY ONE OF BILL de BLASIO'S INTERRUPTIONS. NOW, THE BIGGEST EARLY MOMENT
WAS A LINGUISTIC SURPRISE FROM BETO O'ROURKE. >> THIS ECONOMY HAS GOT TO WORK
FOR EVERYONE, AND RIGHT NOW, WE KNOW THAT IT ISN'T. AND IT'S GOING TO TAKE ALL OF US
COMING TOGETHER TO MAKE SURE THAT IT DOES. (SPEAKING SPANISH)
>> Stephen: I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHY HE FELT HE HAD TO DO
THAT. HE'S EITHER TRYING TO LOCK UP
THE HISPANIC VOTE OR RUNNING FOR "EMBARRASSING DAD AT A
MEXICAN RESTAURANT." ( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S THE THING– ( APPLAUSE )
D– HERE'S THE CRAZY THING: WHEN
BETO WAS HABLAING THE ESPANOL, THIS IS TRUE–
IN THE CLOSED CAPTIONING, IT JUST SAID
"SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE." I REALLY LIKE THAT! REALLY GOT THROUGH! REALLY PENETRATED! "FOREIGN LANGUAGE?"
CAN WE GET A LOOK AT NBC'S CLOSED CAPTIONING GUY? YEAH, MAKES SENSE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND CORY BOOKER WAS NOT HAVING
IT. CHECK OUT THE SIDE-EYE HE GAVE
BETO. DAMN! THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY THING. BUT THE MODERATORS WEREN'T READY
TO TAKE "SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE" AS AN ANSWER. >> THAT'S TIME, SIR. I'LL GIVE YOU TEN SECONDS TO
ANSWER IF YOU WANT TO ANSWER THE DIRECT QUESTION "WOULD YOU
SUPPORT A 70% INDIVIDUAL MARGINAL TAX RATE?"
YES, NO, OR PASS? >> Stephen: (AS BETO)
UM… "NO HABLO INGLES." ( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT AFTER BETO, JULIAN CASTRO HAD A CHANCE TO SPEAK. >> YOU KNOW, I GREW UP WITH A
MOTHER WHO RAISED MY BROTHER, JOAQUIN, AND ME AS A SINGLE
PARENT. AND I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE… >> Stephen: (AS CASTRO)
"… TO ACTUALLY SPEAK SPANISH." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE FORMER CONGRESSMAN FROM MARYLAND HAD A CHANCE FOR A
REBUTTAL. >> CONGRESSMAN DELANEY, DO YOU
AGREE? >> Stephen: AND, CONGRESSMAN,
KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS THE ONLY TIME WE WILL BE CALLING ON YOU. SO IF YOU SPEAK SPANISH, OR EVEN
PIG LATIN, I WOULD EAK-SPAY IT-YAY OW-NAY." ( LAUGHTER )
DELANEY TRIED TO STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD. >> YOU KNOW, I'M VERY DIFFERENT
THAN EVERYONE ELSE HERE ON THE STAGE. >> Stephen: (AS DELANEY)
"UNLIKE THE OTHERS, I'M JUST DOING THIS ON A DARE FROM MY
BROTHER-IN-LAW. JOKE'S ON YOU, RICK! PAY UP! I'M ON STAIN." WASHINGTON GOVERNOR JAY INSLEE
SPOKE ABOUT THE MASSIVE WEALTH GAP FOR AMERICAN WORKERS. >> IT ISS NOT RIGHT THAT THE
C.E.O. OF McDONALD'S MAKES 2,100 TIMES MORE THAN THE PEOPLE
SLINGING HASH AT McDONALD'S. >> Stephen: (AS INSLEE)
"YOU KNOW, THE WORKERS SLINGING HASH ON THE FLAT-TOP, WITH TWO
SUNNY-SIDES ON RYE. HI, I'M JAY INSLEE, AND I HAVE
NEVER STEPPED INSIDE A McDONALDS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"WITH ADAM & EVE ON A RAFT. AMY KLOBUCHAR TRIED TO SET
HERSELF APART FROM TRUMP. >> THE PRESIDENT LITERALLY WENT
ON TV, ON FOX, AND SAID THAT PEOPLE'S HEADS WOULD SPIN WHEN
THEY'D SEE HOW MUCH HE WOULD BRING DOWN PHARMACEUTICAL
PRICES. INSTEAD, 2,500 DRUGS HAVE GONE
UP IN DOUBLE DIGITS SINCE HE CAME INTO OFFICE. INSTEAD, HE GAVE $100 BILLION IN
GIVEAWAYS TO THE PHARMA COMPANIES. FOR THE REST OF US, FOR THE REST
OF AMERICA, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL AT HOME "ALL FOAM AND NO BEER." >> Stephen: IF THAT'S A METAPHOR
YOU FREQUENTLY USE, SENATOR, THEN, AS WE SAY BACK IN SOUTH
CAROLINA, "I'M A SHRIMP SANDWICH IN A THUNDERSTORM." ( LAUGHTER )
EVERY CANDIDATE LIT UP WHEN IT CAME TO THE SUBJECT OF HEALTH
CARE. >> TO STAY THE WAY IT IS,
BECAUSE IT'S NOT WORKING FOR FAMILIES, BUT IT SURE AS HECK IS
WORKING FOR– IT'S TIME FOR US TO MAKE
FAMILIES COME FIRST. >> GOVERNOR INSLEE? >> IT SHOULD NOT BE AN OPTION IN
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FOR ANY INSURANCE COMPANY TO DENY A
WOMAN COVERAGE FOR THEIR EXERCISE OF THEIR RIGHT OF
CHOICE. >> Stephen: NOTHING LIKE
INTERRUPTING A WOMAN TO TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU CARE ABOUT THE
RIGHTS OF WOMEN. THANK YOU, GOVERNOR. THANK YOU! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. ABOUT 35 MINUTES INTO THE
DEBATE, AS THE CANDIDATES WERE TALKING ABOUT THE TRAGEDY AT THE
BORDER, TRUMP FINALLY WEIGHED IN TWEETING, "BORING!"
"HUMANITARIAN CATASTROPHES THAT I DIRECTLY CAUSED? BEEN THERE. LITERALLY DONE THAT!"
AND WHEN THE TOPIC TURNED TO THE BORDER CRISIS, BOOKER TOOK
BETO'S SPANISH AND RAISED HIM MUCHO MAS. ( SPEAKING SPANISH )
>> Stephen: OH, SNAP! IT IS– IT IS ON! IT IS ON! IT IS A ESPANOL-OFF! OR, AS THEY SAY IT IN
SPANISH, "GRUPO DE IDIOTAS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HOPE I SAID THAT RIGHT. I DON'T– I DON'T SPEAK "FOREIGN
LANGUAGE." BY THE WAY, GUYS, THERE'S SO
MUCH SPANISH ON STAGE, ICE IS CLOSING IN. GET OUT OF THERE! THEN, TELEMUNDO ANCHOR JOSE
BALART CALLED BETO ON HIS LOS TALKING POINTS. ( SPEAKING SPANISH )
>> Stephen: (AS BETO) "… UH, THAT WAS NOT ONE OF THE
PHRASES I MEMORIZED, SIR. YOU ARE SPEAKING– YOU ARE
SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE, I BELIEVE." >> IF YOU GO TO GUANTANAMO BAY,
THERE ARE TERRORISTS THAT ARE HELD THAT GET BETTER HEALTH CARE
THAN THOSE KIDS THAT HAVE TRIED TO CROSS THE BORDER INTO THE
UNITED STATES. >> Stephen: YES, LET'S SEND
THOSE KIDS TO GUANTANAMO BAY! WAIT, NO. I TAKE THAT BACK! TWO NEW MODERATORS TOOK OVER AT
HALF TIME RACHEL MADDOW AND CHUCK TODD, WHICH RAWZED THE
QUESTION: IS IT POSSIBLE THIS
DEBATE WILL HAVE MORE HOSTS THAN CANDIDATES? THEN COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOS. MANY OF YOU ARE CALLING FOR A
RESTORATION OF AN ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN. BUT EVEN IF–
>> EVERYBODY'S MICS ARE ON. I THINK WE HAVE– A– I HEARD
THAT, TOO. I THINK WE HAVE A MIC ISSUE IN
THE BACK. WE HAVE THE AUDIENCE AUDIO. >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, AS I
WAS SAYING, OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS A DEEPLY SENSITIVE AND TRAGIC
ISSUE, AND NOW IT APPEARS THAT A BURCH OF SPRAY DOGS HAVE
WANDERED ON TO THE STAGE. THE DOGS ARE NOW HUMPING BILL
de BLASIO'S LEG. CONTROL ROOM! CONTROL ROOM! WE'RE HEARING THE HUMPING! CAN WE TURN OFF THE MIC THAT WE
FOR SOME REASON PUT ON BILL de BLASIO'S LEG? THANK YOU VERY MUCH! BUT DHAI GOT THAT FIXED AND THEY
KEPT GOING, BUT NOT REALLY. >> BUT, EVEN IF IT'S PUT IN
PLACE THERE ARE STILL GOING TO BE PERHAPS HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS
OF GUNS STILL ON THE STREETS. IS THERE A ROLE FOR THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT IN ORDER TO– TO PLAY IN ORDER TO GET THESE GUNS OFF
THE STREETS? ( SPEAKING IN BACKGROUND ). >> WHAT'S HAPPENING? >> WE ARE HEARING OUR
COLLEAGUES' AUDIO. IF THE CONTROL ROOM COULD TURN
OFF THE MICS. YEAH, IF THE CONTROL ROOM COULD
TURN OFF THE MICS OF OUR PREVIOUS MODERATORS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> YOU KNOW, WE PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING. >> GUESS WHAT, GUYS. >> WE DID NOT PREPARE FOR THIS. >> Stephen: WOW, THAT IS
REALLY EMBARRASSING TO HAVE A LIVE SHOW WHERE YOU DON'T KNOW
WHOSE MICS ARE ON WHOSE MICS ARE OFF
( SPEAKING IN BACKGROUND ) PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE
THING YOU'RE TRYING TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ENTIRE TIME
THAT YOU'RE TALK. PEOPLE BEHIND YOU ARE JUST
TALKING ON THEIR MICROPHONES THE ENTIRE TIME. AND, JON. A. YOU GOT TO GET SOME –>> Step
JON. I'M TRYING TO DO THE MONOLOGUE. YOUR MIC IS ON. THIS IS LIVE. >> Jon: YEAH, I KNOW IT IS. IT'S GOING GREAT, I THINK. I WAS REALLY JUST TRYING TO SEE
IF YOU WANTED TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT AFTER THIS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YEAH, CHINESE WOULD BE GREAT ONCE ALL OF THAT
CLEARED UP, MADDOW ASKED JAY INSLEE ABOUT HIS CENTRAL
CAMPAIGN TOPIC– CLIMATE CHANGE. >> WE'RE HERE IN MIAMI, WHICH IS
ALREADY EXPERIENCING SERIOUS FLOODING ON SUNNY DAYS AS A
RESULT OF SEA LEVEL RISE. DOES YOUR PLAN SAVE MIAMI? >> YES. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE BIGGEST SOFTBALL A PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE CAN HOPE FOR. "I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS,
I BELIEVE THE PEOPLE OF THIS GREAT CITY SHOULD NOT DROWN! NO, I– I DON'T!"
( APPLAUSE ) AND WHILE THEY WERE TALKING
CLIMATE CHANGE, JOHN DELANEY DID HIS BEST TO YANK THE SPOTLIGHT
OVER TO HIS CORNER. >> I INTRODUCED THE ONLY
BIPARTISAN CARBON TAX BILL– >> 30 SECONDS. >> Stephen: "AND THAT'S WHY I
LOST MY CONGRESSIONAL SEAT, RACHEL. CARD ON THE TABLE, GUYS. I NEED THIS JOB. I'M SORRY! I SAID I WOULDN'T CRY. I JUST…" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN, CONGRESSWOMAN FROM HAWAII, TULSI GABBARD AND TIM RYAN GOT
INTO IT OVER NATIONAL SECURITY. >> THE REALITY OF IT IS IF THE
UNITED STATES ISN'T ENGAGED, THE TALIBAN WILL GROW. WE HAVE GOT TO HAVE SOME
PRESENCE THERE– >> THE TALIBAN WAS THERE LONG
BEFORE WE CAME IN. THEY'LL BE THERE LONG BEFORE WE
LEAVE. >> EXACT– THEY WERE. >> WE CANNOT KEEP U.S. DEPLOYING
TO AFGHANISTAN THINKING WE'RE GOING TO SOMEHOW SQUASH THIS
TALIBAN THAT HAVE BEEN THERE. >> I DIDN'T SAY SQUASH THEM. I DIDN'T STAY SQUASH THEM. WHEN WE WEREN'T IN THERE THEY
STARTED FLYING PLANES INTO OUR BUILDINGS. >> THE TALIBAN DIDN'T ATTACK US
ON 9/11. AL QAEDA DID. THAT'S WHY I AND SO MANY OTHER
PEOPLE JOINED THE MILITARY TO GO AFTER AL QAEDA, NOT THE TALIBAN. >> Stephen: TULSI, TIM,
PLEASE, DON'T FIGHT! YOU'RE BOTH NOT GOING TO BE
PRESIDENT! PLEASE, JUST–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TIM RYAN IDENTIFIED WHAT HE
THOUGHT WAS THE BIGGEST THREAT BUT HAD A CONFUSING EXPLANATION
WHY. >> CHINA, WITHOUT A QUESTION,
THEY'RE WIPING US AROUND THE WORLD. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: AND THE AWARD FOR BEST CLIP THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT
SHOULD HAVE BEEN BLEEPED GOES TO… TIM RYAN FOR "THE WEIRD
THING ABOUT CHINA WIPING US." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CONGRATULATIONS. THEN IT WAS TIME FOR CLOSING
STATEMENTS. AND IT DID NOT GO GREAT FOR JOHN
DELANEY. >> IT'S TIME NOW FOR CLOSING
STATEMENTS. EACH CANDIDATE HAS 45 SECONDS. WE WANT TO BEGIN WITH FORMER
CONGRESSMAN DELANEY. >> I'M CLOSING NOW? ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OH! OH, JOKING NOW? IT'S NOT EASY TO BE HILARIOUS
AND HEARTBREAKING AT THE SAME TIME. BRAVO, SIR. AND CASTRO CLOSED WITH THE
NIGHT'S BIGGEST BILINGUAL ZINGER. >> AND ON JANUARY 20, 2021,
WE'LL SAY ADIOS TO DONALD TRUMP. >> Stephen: STRONG WORDS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STRONG WORDS. POWERFUL STATEMENT. I GOTTA SAY, A VERY POWERFUL
STATEMENT. IF ONLY BETO O'ROURKE WOULD
TRANSLATE WHAT THAT MEANS. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, EVERYBODY. FOR REACTION TO TONIGHT'S DEBATE
I WILL BE JOINED BY ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ. AND THEN "MEANWHILE." STICK AROUND
EVERYBODY.

Jimmy Fallon Sings Advice to Democratic Candidates: "Don't Become a Meme"



All through the debate, the number-one trend on Twitter
was "memes." Yeah, people were memeing
everything in the debate. It's actually a great lesson
for the candidates. Everything you do or say
can become a meme, so you gotta be careful. Uh, let me explain. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ ♪ When you're runnin'
for the White House ♪ ♪ And you want to get ahead ♪ ♪ You gotta get attention ♪ ♪ Or else your campaign's dead ♪ ♪ Iowa, New Hampshire ♪ ♪ It's always been your dream ♪ ♪ And it might work out ♪ ♪ Just don't become a meme ♪ ♪ Don't become a meme ♪ ♪ You gotta keep
your image clean ♪ ♪ Don't become a meme ♪ ♪ Some things can't be unseen ♪ ♪ Don't elbow your wife ♪ ♪ Don't scream for your life ♪ -Byah! -♪ Don't fall off your chair ♪ ♪ Eat a corn dog at the fair ♪ ♪ Don't try to high-five ♪ ♪ Don't drink water live ♪ ♪ Don't open your jaws ♪ ♪ Don't ask for applause ♪ -Please clap. [ Applause ] -♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Don't you know that ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ Roots, help me out. -♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ -Come on, now! -♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ -Harmonize. Here we go. -♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ -♪ And if you wanna be sure ♪ ♪ That your supporters
do not vanish ♪ ♪ Keep this in your head ♪ ♪ Don't ever try to speak
Spanish if you don't know how ♪ -El hombre del peluquin. [ Laughter ] -[ Singing in Spanish ] ♪♪ ♪ Don't become a meme ♪ ♪ Don't become a m-e-e-e-eme ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, Roots. Give it up
for The Roots right there.

Kate McKinnon Perfectly Impersonates Marianne Williamson at the Democratic Debate



-It's great to see you. This has been
a delightful evening because you came and you watched
the debates with us. -I did.
-Which was lovely. You sat in the writers room,
and it did seem like — You obviously have done
Elizabeth Warren on the show. -I sure have.
-And it seemed like last night she was maybe
inspired by your outfit. -Yeah, yeah.
-There we go. I mean, that's on the money.
-I am a fashion icon. Gosh, she was
so happy last night. -She was very happy. -She looked like a girl
on her wedding day when everyone who ever bullied
her was getting a divorce. [ Laughter ]
She just — She was in the —
"I am fighting." [ Laughter ] "I got a plan for my fight
and a fight for my plan. We're fighting for plans
everywhere." -She does. She loves a plan.
-She loves a plan. -She loves a good plan.
-In the fight for a plan. -Yes.
-Yes. -And there was someone tonight
who didn't like plans. Marianne Williamson
was very anti-plan. -Gosh, I wish there was
an "SNL" show this week. -Yeah. Marianne was the one
where you thought like, "Oh, she might not
make it to the fall." [ Laughter ] The window for Marianne
Williamson impressions might be closing fast.
-Mm-hmm. She was a shining comet. Yeah, she was like — she was —
I'll just do a — -Will you do a little —
just a little taste? -I was practicing
while we were watching. [ Cheers and applause ] "I-I've heard a lot of plans
here tonight, and if we — we think plans
are gonna beat Donald Trump, we got another thing coming. My plan is to gather all
the sage in America and burn it. My plan is to harness
the energy of babies to finally put
a man on the moon. And I said to
the President of New Zealand, I said,
'Girlfriend, you're so on.' And I would say to Donald Trump,
'Boyfriend, you chill.' Thank you." [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -We got a little taste. -Oh, what a star. -What a star. She is a star. It was wonderful
to have her there. This is a fantastic film
that you're in, "Yesterday," and it's a fantastic premise. For those who don't know,
it's basically a gentleman — There's a power outage and when
the power comes back on, the Beatles never existed and he is the only one
who knows all the songs. -Yes, and that leads him
into a situation. He tries to pass them off
as his own. But it's the best premise
I've ever heard for a movie. And it's a really beautiful love
story about music and love and the Beatles and how much
poorer our culture would be without the Beatles,
had they never existed. -Danny Boyle. You got to
work with Danny Boyle. -Danny Boyle directed.
Richard Curtis wrote it. It was the best.
-That's fantastic. Obviously, you were in London.
You were shooting in the U.K. And you went and you saw —
You have ancestry there. You have lineage.
-I am of Scottish descent. -Scottish descent.
Yeah, you can tell. -You can tell
from the fabric of my blaze. [ Laughter ] Yeah, my great-grandfather
was born on this little island called Tiree,
which is like this, and I wanted to go, and the night before I went,
I was in Glasgow, buying sunblock at a pharmacy, and I said to the lady, "I'm
going to this little island. My great-grandfather,"
whatever, whatever, and suddenly I was transported
into a Peter Jackson movie because she was like, "Ooh,
you're going to Tiree, then?" [ Laughter ] "You must beware
the wee midges." [ Laughter ] And I was like,
"What is a wee midge?" Is that a ferry or…? And a wee midge is — There's
these insects that swarm, so she was like, "You must
beware or you will get swarmed. And they will steal
your magic beans." [ Laughter ] So I was like — -Is there any way
to prevent the swarm? -Yes. I was like,
"Beggar woman, what must I do to avoid the wee midges?" And she was like, "You must
reach deep in your purse and you must pull out a coin and
you must buy Avon Skin So Soft." [ Laughter and applause ] And then she disappeared. -She was gone?
-Yeah. -Is this a real —
Am I about to actually — Is this a real photo
I'm gonna hold up? -Yeah, yeah, that's it. -So you went to the island.
-I went. -And it turned out she wasn't
lying about the midges. -Well, now, there were no midges
on that day because it was windy, but this
is what it would have been had there been the wee midges. So thank God
for Avon Skin So Soft. But what there was,
was sheep poop. -There was sheep poop. -You know, when you go
to a duck pond and can't figure out
a place to step. It's worse with sheep poop
because those are bigger. [ Laughter ] -Did you enjoy it?
Are you glad you went to Tiree? -I'm so glad, and I'm so glad
I saw so many sheep there. [ Laughter ] Rocks and sheep. And now I understand
my roots, and I love it. -We love you. I love you. Thank you for being here
on a live show. [ Cheers and applause ] That's Kate McKinnon, everybody.

Night Two of the Democratic Presidential Debate



-Let's get to the news. Tonight was the second
Democratic presidential debate between the past, the present,
the future, and I guess outer space? [ Laughter ] "The New York Post" published
a series of drinking games that viewers could play
during the Democratic debate, like, "Drink every time you see
someone who should drop out." [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] [ Laughter and applause ] Tonight was a night to imagine
what the future could be. We could have our first
woman of color as president, our first openly gay president, or our first
business casual president. [ Laughter ] During tonight's debate,
each candidate was asked which country they would most
want to repair relations with. Kirsten Gillibrand chose Iran, while Marianne Williamson
chose Narnia. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ]
And… [ Cheers and applause continue ] [ Applause continues ] An estimated 15 million people watched last night's half of the
Democratic debate on television, and one person watched it
from the stage. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter and applause ] According
to the latest analysis, Senator Cory Booker was
the candidate who spoke the most during last night's debate, but only because this picture
was worth a thousand words. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] The city of of Boston
has approved a permit for a so-called
"Straight Pride Parade," while, technically,
it's just a Hollister. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] A Texas school district
has fired a substitute teacher after she allegedly made
pornographic films in classrooms
outside of school hours. Said PTA dads, "That's who she is!"
[ Laughter ] "It was driving me crazy." [ Laughter and applause ]
"I knew it. I told you." [ Applause continues ] New York will hold its annual
LGBTQ Pride Parade this weekend, and if you don't know
what "LGBTQ" stands for, those are the trains
that will be out of service. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ]
According — [ Cheers and applause continue ] According
to newly released testimony, former Secretary of State
Rex Tillerson said that President Trump
did not prepare at all for his 2017 meeting with
Russian President Vladimir Putin or, for that matter,
anything in his entire life. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] So, it was not…an outlier. "Today was
National Handshake Day," said every candidate
when Biden went in for a hug. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter and applause ] [ Laughter continues ] And finally, a cat in Florida has reportedly gained
so much weight, its owner is sending it
to fat camp. [ Light laughter ] And before you think
they're overreacting, the cat was originally
[Chuckling] a hamster. [ Laughter ]

Trump Might Regret Becoming President



WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DO YOU THINK DONALD TRUMP EVER REGRETS WINNING THE PRESIDENCY
( LAUGHTER ) NOT AS MUCH AS WE DO, BUT JUST A
LITTLE? ( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT NOW, HE'S BEING INVESTIGATED BY MULTIPLE
CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEES. THE MUELLER REPORT COULD DROP
ANY MINUTE, AND THAT FLAG HE HUGGED IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY
RONAN FARROW. YESTERDAY, THE HOUSE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE SENT LETTERS DEMANDING INFORMATION FROM OVER 80 PEOPLE
AND INSTITUTIONS CONNECTED TO TRUMP, INCLUDING THE WHITE
HOUSE, THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, SENIOR CAMPAIGN OFFICIALS, TRUMP
ORGANIZATION OFFICIALS, AND THE PRESIDENT'S SONS. ERIC WAS SO EXCITED TO GET MAIL. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S NOT JUST– IT'S NOT
JUST THE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE. THE CHAIRMEN OF THREE OTHER
COMMITTEES ARE DEMANDING DOCUMENTS ON TRUMP'S
COMMUNICATIONS WITH PUTIN AND INTERVIEWS WITH "LINGUISTS,
TRANSLATORS, OR INTERPRETERS WHO PARTICIPATED IN, ATTENDED, OR IN
ANY WAY LISTENED IN ON PRESIDENT TRUMP'S IN-PERSON MEETINGS WITH
PUTIN, AS WELL AS PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PHONE CALLS WITH
PRESIDENT PUTIN." TO WHICH PUTIN RESPONDED:
(AS PUTIN) : "DA, GOOD LUCK FINDING
TRANSLATORS. ( LAUGHTER )
ESPECIALLY THE PARTS THAT TALK." ( LAUGHTER )
THESE INVESTIGATIONS COME ON TOP OF ALL THE OTHER INVESTIGATIONS
GOING ON. TRUMP IS CURRENTLY BEING LOOKED
INTO BY THE SPECIAL COUNSEL, THE U.S. ATTORNEY FOR THE SOUTHERN
SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK, THE F.B.I., THE MARSHALL TUCKER
BAND, THE HOUSE COMMITTEE ON OVERSIGHT AND REFORM, MOLLY
HATCHET, THE HOUSE COMMITTEE ON WAYS AND MEANS, LYNYRD SKYNYRD,
THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE, THE ALLMAN BROTHERS,
THE SENATE SELECT COMMITTEE ON INTELLIGENCE, AND MANY MORE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL THE ORIGINAL ARTISTS. ALL THE ORIGINAL ARTISTS. ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE ♪
AND TRUMP IS FEELING THE PRESSURE. HE'S TWEETING THINGS LIKE:
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS SWEATY HOT CRAZY. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS MOMENT FROM
HIS SPEECH ON SATURDAY AT CPAC. >> THEY'RE GONNA GRAB TOGETHER. THEY'RE GONNA SAY, "YOU KNOW,
THIS GUY'S REALLY LAYING FOR US." >> Stephen (AS TRUMP):
"THESE PEOPLE IN CONGRESS. THEY'RE, LIKE, THEY'RE COMING
FOR ME LIKE RATTLESNAKES ON A CHICKEN. YIKE! YEEE! "
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
HE ALSO TWEETED, "THE GREATEST OVERREACH IN THE HISTORY OF
OUR COUNTRY. THE DEMS ARE OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE
AND WILL NOT GET ANYTHING DONE." NOTICE HOW HE ALWAYS ACCUSES HIS
ACCUSERS BEFORE THEY CAN ACCUSE HIM? (AS TRUMP) :
"I DIDN'T OBSTRUCT JUSTICE! THEY DID, OKAY. THEY'RE THE ONES WHO COLLUDED
WITH RUSSIA! THEY'RE THE ONES WHO EAT
CHEESEBURGERS IN BED! AND THEY'RE SO DELICIOUS. AND I KNOW THE HAMBURGLAR'S
LAYING IN WAIT FOR ME. AND I DID IT. I DID IT! GAAAA! YEEE! "
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU, CHARLIE. SO TRUMP DID WHAT HE ALWAYS DOES
WHEN HE FEELS DOWN. HE FOUND COMFORT FROM HIS
FRIENDS IN THE TV, TWEETING THIS QUOTE FROM SEAN HANNITY. SEE IF YOU NOTICE THE SMALL
TYPO: "WE THE PEOPLE WILL NOW BE
SUBJECTED TO THE BIGGEST DISPLAY OF MODERN DAY McCATHYISM." ( LAUGHTER )
YES. IT'S TRUE, VERY IMPORTANT. MODERN DAY "McCATHYISM,"
IMMORTALIZED IN THE FAMOUS COMIC, WHERE SHE SAYS, "ACK! SOCIALISTS REDISTRIBUTED MY
CHOCOLATE!" ( LAUGHTER )
TODAY, TRUMP TOOK SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INVESTIGATION, AND HE
FELL BACK ON HIS FAVORITE SMEARS. >> THE WITCH HUNT CONTINUES. THE FACT IS THAT, I GUESS, WE
GOT 81 LETTERS. THERE WAS NO COLLUSION. IT WAS A HOAX. >> Stephen: IT'S JUST SAD WHEN
HIS HEART'S NOT IN IT. HE'S LIKE AN AGING SINGER DOING
HIS 16th SHOW OF THE WEEK IN BRANSON TO A HALF-EMPTY ROOM. (AS TRUMP DISPIRITED):
( LAUGHTER ) "NO COLLUSION. LOCK HER UP. BUILD THE WALL. FAKE NEWS. MA-GA." BUT, BUT–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP TRIED HIS BEST TO STAY
POSITIVE. >> PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN
THEY LOOK AT IT, THEY JUST SAY, "PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT." BUT THAT'S OKAY. NO ADMINISTRATION HAS
ACCOMPLISHED– PROBABLY YOU COULD SAY THIS WITH ABSOLUTE
CERTAINTY– IN THE FIRST TWO YEARS ANYWHERE NEAR WHAT WE'VE
ACCOMPLISHED. >> Stephen: REALLY? ( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S A REPORT OUT ON DAY 149 OF GEORGE WASHINGTON'S
PRESIDENCY. THEY PASSED THE BILL OF RIGHTS. AND IT'S TAKEN YOU ALMOST TWO
YEARS TO VIOLATE ALL OF THEM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, YESTERDAY, HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO COOPERATE WITH ALL
OF THE DOCUMENT REQUESTS FROM CONGRESS. BUT TODAY, HE CHANGED HIS MIND
AND IN DOING SO, HE CITED HIS FAVORITE FORMER PRESIDENT. >> PRESIDENT OBAMA, FROM WHAT
THEY TELL ME, WAS UNDER A SIMILAR KIND OF THING, DIDN'T
GIVE ONE LETTER. THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. THEY DIDN'T GIVE ONE LETTER OF
THE REQUEST. MANY REQUESTS WERE MADE. >> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT. HE'S RIGHT. I REMEMBER ONE CRAZY RACIST WHO
KEPT DEMANDING HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

Stephen Colbert's LIVE Monologue Following Democratic Debate #2



WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE,
OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. WE ARE COMING TO YOU LIVE. COMING TO YOU LIVE AFTER
TONIGHT'S DEMOCRATIC DEBATE. TONIGHT WE SAW CLASH OF THE BIG
B's, BIDEN, BERNIE, BUTTIGIEG, BICKEN-BLOOPER. ( LAUGHTER )
COMING INTO THE EVENING, JOE BIDEN HAD A BIG LEAD IN ALL THE
POLLS, AND TO CELEBRATE, HIS SUPPORTERS HANDED OUT FREE ICE
CREAM THEY CALLED JOE CONES. A JOE CONE IS ALSO WHAT BIDEN
WEARS TO MAKE SURE HE RESPECTS PERSONAL SPACE THESE DAYS. JUST FOR SAFETY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A RESPONSE. >> Jon: OH, MY. >> Stephen: BUT TONIGHT THE
JOE CONE WAS MET BY THE KAMALA HARRIS FLAME THROWER. ( CHEERING )
OH, YOU WATCHED IT. YES. HE HAD THE JOE CONE, BUT SHE
MADE JOE SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM HOLY COW SHE MIGHT BE
PRESIDENT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AS A FORMER PROSECUTOR, HARRIS
FOUND EVERYONE ELSE ON THAT STAGE GUILTY OF BEINGLESS
INTERESTING AND SENTENCED THEM OF TWO HOURS OF BEING HER PASTY
BACKGROUND SINGERS. IT ALL STARTED OUT INNOCENTLY
ENOUGH FOR THE VICE PRESIDENT WHEN HE GOT A QUESTION ABOUT
REASSURING WALL STREET THAT NOTHING WOULD CHANGE, AND HE
CRANKED THE FOLKSY KNOB UP TO 11. >> WHAT I MEANT BY THAT IS,
LOOK, DONALD TRUMP THINKS WALL STREET BUILT AMERICA. ORDINARY MIDDLE CLASS AMERICANS
BUILT AMERICA. MY DAD USED TO HAVE AN
EXPRESSION — >> Stephen: HE USED TO SAY,
SON, THE VIKINGS ARE COMING FOR ALL OF US AND WILL END THIS
VILLAGE. IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. TAKE YOUR MOTHER AND SISTER AND
GET TO THE CAVES! ( LAUGHTER )
KAMALA HARRIS STARTED BY BITING THE HEAD OFF THIS QUESTION —
>> DO YOU THINK DEMOCRATS HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO EXPLAIN HOW
THEY WILL PAY FOR EVERY PROPOSAL THEY WILL MAKE ALONG THOSE
LINES? >> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I
HEAR THAT QUESTION, BUT WHERE WAS THAT QUESTION WHEN THE
REPUBLICANS AND DONALD TRUMP PASSED A TAX BILL THAT BENEFITS
THE TOP 1% AND THE BIGGEST CORPORATIONS IN THIS COUNTRY? >> Stephen: AND WHERE ARE THE
QUESTIONS BE WHEN I BREAK OUT THE LOUISVILLE SLUGGER AND THE
OVAL OF PAIN BECAUSE AFTER I SNAP HIM LIKE A BREAD STICK
THERE WILL BE NO MORE QUESTIONS! NEXT QUESTION. ( APPLAUSE )
I BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING. TONIGHT KAMALA HARRIS WAS — ON
FIRE! ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK AT BERNIE'S FACE WHILE GIVING THAT ANSWER. HE'S LITERALLY LICKING HIS LIPS. "SHE JUST TOOK THE TOP TEN% OF
THE BEST 40% OF WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. IT'S NOT FAIR!"
( LAUGHTER ) BERNIE ALSO WENT OF THE
PRESIDENT. >> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
UNDERSTAND THAT TRUMP IS A PHONY, THAT TRUMP IS A
PATHOLOGICAL LIAR AND A RACIST —
>> Stephen: OH, THEY UNDERSTAND IT, SIR. THAT'S THExD REASONÑi WHY SOME O
THEM VOTED FOR HIM. ( LAUGHTER )
AND HE BERNIEED ON. >> THAT'S HOW WE BEAT TRUMP, WE
EXPOSE HIM FOR THE FRAUD THAT HE IS. >> Stephen: NOT SURE IF WE
NEED TO DO THAT, SENATOR. TRUMP ALREADY HAS A LONG HISTORY
OF EXPOSING HIMSELF. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SENATOR MICHAEL BENNETT SEEMED
SURPRISED WHEN A QUESTION WAS DIRECTED HIS WAY. >> SENATOR BENNETT —
( APPLAUSE ) — YOU HAVE SAID, IT IS POSSIBLE
TO WRITE POLICY PROPOSALS THAT HAVE NO BASIS IN REALITY, YOU
MIGHT AS WELL CALL THEM CANDY. WERE YOU REFERRING TO ANY
CANDIDATE OR PROPOSAL WHEN YOU SAID THAT? >> WAS THAT DIRECTED AT ME? >> Stephen: AM I SUPPOSED TO
TALK? AM I ON CAMERA? BECAUSE I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR
THE SALAD BAR. I'M SORRY. THIS SEEMS VERY NICE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN HE ESPAÑOLED AGAIN. ( SPEAKING SPANISH )
>> Stephen: WOW! I KNEW BUTTIGIEG SPOKE NORWEGIAN
BUT HAD NO IDEA HE SPOKE BETO O'ROURKE! ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S FANTASTIC. MUCHAS GRACIAS. >> Jon: MUCHAS GRACIAS. >> Stephen: ANDREW YANG IS
RUNNING ON A PROPOSAL FOR UNIVERSAL INCOME BUT I'M NOT
SURE IF HE KNOWS THAT. >> MR. YANG, YOUR SIGNATURE
POLICY IS TO GIVE EVERY ADULT IN THE UNITED STATES $1,000 A
MONTH, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. >> THAT'S RIGHT. I THINK THAT'S LIKE
$3.2 TRILLION A YEAR. HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT? >> SORRY? ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: UH, UM… UH… WITH SCRATCHERS? WITH SCRATCHERS? ( LAUGHTER )
I'M SORRY — I WAS JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER WHERE I LEFT MY TIE. I HAD ONE WHEN I WALKED IN HERE. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN CONGRESSMAN ER ERIC SWALWEL SHOWED HOW TOUGH HE WAS BY
THROWING A PUNCH AT AN OLD MAN. >> I WAS SIX YEARS OLD WHEN A
CANDIDATE CAME TO THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION AND SAID IT'S TIME TO
PASS THE TORCH TO A NEW GENERATION OF AMERICANS. THAT CANDIDATE WAS THEN SENATOR
JOE BIDEN. >> Stephen: OH, SNAP! +&CI THINK
THAT TORCH BECAUSE THAT WAS A SICK BIRD! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN HAD A COMEBACK. >> VICE PRESIDENT, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SING A TORCH SONG? >> I WOULD. ( LAUGHTER )
I'M STILL HOLDING ON TO THAT TORCH. >> Stephen: YES, I'M STILL
HOLDING ON TO THAT TORCH WHICH IS WHY MY SLOGAN IS BIDEN 2020,
GIVE ME AN INVITATION, I WILL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! DO NOT MESS WITH ME! YOU WHIPPER SNAPPER! COME ON! I'LL GIVE YOU THE JACK JOHNSONS! YOU LITTLE SHAVER! ( LAUGHTER )
AT ONE POINT, EVERY CANDIDATE WAS TALKING OVER EVERY OTHER
CANDIDATE ABOUT SOMETHING I CAN'T REMEMBER OTHER THAN HOW
KAMALA HARRIS PUT AN END TO IT ( TALKING AT THE SAME TIME )
>> GUYS, AMERICA DOES NOT WANT TO WITNESS A FOOD FIGHT. THEY WANT TO KNOW HOW WE'RE
GOING TO PUT FOOD ON THEIR TABLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OH! OH! YEAH, YEAH. SHE HAD THAT LINE READY. YEAH, SHE HAD THAT IN SOME
TUPPERWARE. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) FINALLY, SELF-HELP GURU MARIANNE
WILLIAMSON HAD HER OWN PRESCRIPTION FOR BEATING TRUMP. >> I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, IT'S
REALLY NICE WE'VE GOT ALL THESE PLANS BUT IF YOU THINK WE'RE
GOING TO BEAT DONALD TRUMP BY JUST HAVING ALL THESE PLANS, YOU
HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WIN BY SAYING
HE HAD A PLAN, HE WON SIMPLY BAY SAYING MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. WE HAVE TO GET DEEPER THAN THESE
SUPERFICIAL FIXES. >> WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER THAN THE
SUPERFICIAL CAREFULLY THOUGHT OUT POLITICAL POLICIES. ANYONE TRIED FIXING AMERICA WITH
CRYSTALS AND BEE POLLEN, YOGA? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WATCH OUT! WATCH YOURSELF THERE. >> Stephen: JOHN HICKENLOOPER
WAS ASKED A CLASSIC DEBATE QUESTION. >> JOHN HICKENLOOPER, DAY ONE,
IF YOU ARE — ( APPLAUSE )
— DAY ONE AT THE WHITE HOUSE, HOW DO YOU RESPOND WITH —
>> Stephen: WH-WH-WHAT THE WOULD I DO ON DAY ONE OF THE
WHITE HOUSE? WELL, I WOULD CONGRATULATE
WHOEVER WON THE ELECTION BECAUSE I SHOULD NOT BE UP HERE. ( PIANO RIFF )
JUST, UH — ( APPLAUSE )
ONCE AGAIN, SELF-HELP GURU MARIANNE WILLIAMSON HAD A MORE
HOLISTIC APPROACH TO IMMIGRATION. >> WHAT PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS DONE
IS NOT ONLY ATTACK THESE CHILDREN, NOT ONLY DEMONIZE
THESE IMMIGRANTS, HE IS ATTACKING A BASIC PRINCIPLE OF
AMERICA'S MORAL CORE. WE OPEN OUR HEARTS TO THE
STRANGER. >> Stephen: AT LEAST I HOPE SO
BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE HELL I AM. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) MAYOR PETE FOCUSED ON HIS FAITH. >> WE'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT ONE
OTHER THING BECAUSE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY LIKES TO CLOAK
ITSELF IN THE LANGUAGE OF RELIGION. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW,
MAYOR, IT'S LESS OF A CLOAK NOWADAYS AND MORE OF A SHEET. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Jon: MMM… >> Stephen: HALFWAY —
( LAUGHTER ) HALFWAY THROUGH, THERE WAS A
PERSONNEL SWITCH WITH RACHEL MADDOW PLAYING THE PART OF
LESTER HOLT AND CHUCK TODD PLAYING THE PART OF A GUY WHO
REALLY LIKES THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE. WHEN DISCUSSION TURNS TO RACISM,
A LOT OF THE WHITE FOLKS ON STAGE HAD OPINIONS, BUT KAMALA
HARRIS HAD EXPERIENCE. >> WE'RE GOING TO GET TO YOU. HANG ON. >> — ON STAGE, I WOULD LIKE TO
SPEAK ON THE ISSUE OF RAINS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> SENATOR HARRIS — WHAT I WILL SAY IS —
— WE'LL GIVE YOU 30 SECONDS SINCE WE'RE GOING TO COME BACK
TO YOU ON THIS AGAIN IN A MOMENT. GO FOR 30 SECONDS. >> Stephen: SO FOR 30 SECONDS
TO SUM UP INSTITUTIONALIZED RACISM THAT'S BEEN PLAGUING OUR
COUNTRY SINCE ITS INCEPTION, GO! >> I DIRECT THIS TO
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN. I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU ARE A
RACIST, AND I AGREE WITH YOU WHEN YOU COMMIT YOURSELF TO THE
IMPORTANCE OF FINDING COMMON GROUND, BUT I ALSO BELIEVE —
AND IT IS PERSONAL, AND I WAS ACTUALLY — IT WAS HURTFUL TO
HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT THE REPUTATIONS OF TWO UNITED STATES
SENATORS WHO BUILT THEIR REPUTATIONS AND CAREER ON THE
SEGREGATION OF RACE IN THIS COUNTRY, AND IT WAS NOT ONLY
THAT BUT YOU ALSO WORKED WITH THEM TO OPPOSE BUSING. THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL IN
CALIFORNIA WHO WAS PART OF THE SECOND CLASS TO INTEGRATE HER
PUBLIC SCHOOLS, AND SHE WAS BUSSED TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY, AND
THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS ME. >> Stephen: I BELIEVE HARRIS
ON BUSING BECAUSE SHE CLEARLY JUST TOOK BIDEN TO SCHOOL. ( APPLAUSE )
HARRIS, A VERY EMOTIONAL MOMENT. >> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: ANDUJARRIES DID
NOT LET UP. >> BUT, VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, DO
YOU AGREE TODAY — DO YOU AGREE TODAY THAT YOU WERE WRONG TO
OPPOSE BUSING IN AMERICA THEN? >> NO. DO YOU AGREE? I DID NOT OPPOSE BUSING IN
AMERICA. WHAT I OPPOSED WAS BUSING
ORDERED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION. THAT'S WHAT I OPPOSED. >> WELL, THERE'S A FAILURE OF
STATES TO INTEGRATE PUBLIC SCHOOLS IN AMERICA. I WAS PART OF THE SECOND CLASS
TO INTEGRATE BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA PUBLIC SCHOOLS ALMOST
TWO DECADES AFTER BROWN V BOARD OF EDUCATION. >> BECAUSE YOUR CITY COUNCIL
MADE THE DECISION. IT WAS A LOCAL DECISION. >> AND THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
HAD TO STEP IN.S >> Stephen: I HOPE THEY TOOK
DENTAL PHOTOGRAPHS OF BIDEN BEFORE THE DEBATE BECAUSE THEY
WILL NEED A REFERENCE TO PUT HIS TEETH BACK IN. ( APPLAUSE )
THEN HARRIS TURNED HER FIRE FROM BIDEN TO TRUMP. >> THE FACT THAT WE HAVE A
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WHO HAS EMBRACED SCIENCE FICTION
OVER SCIENCE FACT WILL BE TO OUR COLLECTIVE PERIL. >> Stephen: WELL, OF COURSE,
TRUMP EMBRACES SCIENCE FICTION — I'M PRETTY SURE HIS
HAIR WAS SHAVED OFF OF WOOKIEE'S ASS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANDUJARRIES SPOKE OF HER PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH
WILDFIRES IN CALIFORNIA. >> I SPOKE WITH FIREFIGHTERS WHO
WERE IN THE MIDST OF FIGHT AGO FIRE WHILE THEIR OWN HOMES WERE
BURNING. >> Stephen: AND THEY SAID TO
ME, NOW IS NOT A GREAT TIME, SENATOR, COULD WE TALK A LITTLE
LATER? ( APPLAUSE )
THEN, CHUCK TODD TRIED DESPERATELY TO TAKE CONTROL OF
THE DEBATE. >> BEFORE WE GO, I'M GOING TO GO
DOWN THE LINE HERE AND I'M ASKING YOU PLEASE FOR ONE OR TWO
WORDS ONLY, ALL RIGHT? PLEASE. >> Stephen: UH — BITE ME,
CHUCK? OH, SORRY. THAT'S THREE. APOLOGIZE. THEN THEY HAD ANOTHER TECHNICAL
DIFFICULTY. >> WE'RE GOING TO CONTINUE THE
QUESTIONING NOW WITH LESTER IN THE AUDIENCE. WE ARE? WE ARE, IN A SECOND, GOING TO
HAVE A QUESTION FROM LESTER IN THE AUDIENCE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES. CHUCK TODD TRIED ONCE AGAIN TO
DO ONE OF HIS NEVER SUCCESSFUL JUST ONE-WORD ANSWER QUESTIONS,
BUT HE GOT PRETTY UPSET WHEN PEOPLE TRIED TO ACTUALLY GIVE A
SUBSTANTIAL ANSWER. >> IT'S A PERFECT TIME FOR ME TO
DO ANOTHER ONE OF THESE DOWN THE LINE. WHAT IS THE FIRST RELATIONSHIP
YOU LIKE TO RESET AS PRESIDENT? I'M GOING TO GO DOWN THE LINE —
I'M TRYING TO GET ONE OR TWO WORDS HERE. >> Stephen: AND PLEASE DON'T
TALK TOO MUCH, OKAY? YOU'RE NOT CHUCK TODD, I AM! ZIP IT! ZIP IT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND WHEN IT CAME TO CLOSING STATEMENTS, MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
HAD THE PLAN TO HEAL THE COUNTRY. >> I'M GOING TO HARNESS LOVE FOR
POLITICAL PURPOSES. >> Stephen: AND ANYONE CURIOUS
WHAT SHE MEANS BY HARNESSING LOVE, DO NOT GOOGLE LOVE
HARNESS, IT'S SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT. PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND KAMALA HARRIS SUMMED IT ALL
UP WITH HER CLOSING STATEMENT — >> THANK YOU ALL. I JUST WANT TO LEAVE YOU WITH A
COUPLE OF THINGS. >> Stephen: JOE BIDEN'S BALLS.

The First Democratic Presidential Primary Debate: A Closer Look



-10 — count 'em —
10 Democratic candidates squared off tonight
in the first debate of the presidential campaign. For more on this,
it's time for "A Closer Look. ♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ] Donald Trump is
constitutionally incapable of sharing the spotlight
with anyone, and so as 10 Democrats
prepared to take the stage for their first
primary debate tonight, he went to something called
the Faith and Freedom Conference to gurgle up a bunch of
old-man nonsense. -We're saying
"merry Christmas" again. Did you notice? Remember? [ Cheers and applause ]
Remember? I usually save that for
November, December, but I was just thinking… They were all taking it down off
the department stores, everything. You'd see a big red —
They'd say, "Happy holidays," no "merry Christmas." They're saying
"merry Christmas" again. It's very interesting. "Our president may not be
the best at the Bible. He may not have read it
2,000 times. But he's the best for us." My wife watched.
I said, "You have to see this. It's great invention
It's called TiVo," okay? I don't want to be advertising,
but, you know, it's, like,
better than television, 'cause television, you
never see it. With TiVo, you play it back.
I played it back. -Oh, my God!
Get me off this cruise ship! Is this a presidential speech
or bingo night? This guy shouldn't be standing
behind a presidential seal. He should be wandering down
the hallway of a group home with a nurse chasing
after him, screaming, "Donald, your gown is
on backwards." I'm sorry.
[ Cheers and applause ] You've just heard about TiVo? Trump's brain is so
permanently stuck in 1999. "Have you heard this new food
they just came out with? It's called Go-Gurt. It's a game changer." Trump was probably more off
kilter than usual today with the Democratic
debate looming and the news that
Robert Mueller's agreed to testify in public before
Congress next month, and it clearly… [ Cheers and applause ] …clearly got in Trump's head,
because he called up Fox Business News to
and ramble about Mueller and accuse him of
a totally made-up crime. Trump was referring to unearthed
text messages between two FBI agents
who were having an affair, or at least I think that's what
he was referring to. -Robert Mueller —
they worked for him, and the two lovers were together and they had
texts back and forth. -Well, how come
we haven't seen it all? -You know why? Because Mueller
terminated them illegally. He terminated the e-mails. He terminated all of the stuff
between Strzok and Page. You know, they —
You've never — Robert Mueller terminated
their text messages together. He would — He terminated them.
They're gone. And that's illegal. -Deleted! The word you're looking for
is "deleted." My God, man,
go back to watching TiVo. And now you're accusing
Robert Mueller of a crime? Look at this guy. I doubt he's ever jaywalked
in his life. Robert Mueller gives
speeding tickets by chasing after cars on foot. And no matter what you think of
the Democrats, this is why it was refreshing to
see sane human beings speaking in coherent sentences
about actual policies on national television
for a change. Now, this was just
the first of two debates, with 10 more candidates
scheduled to debate on Thursday. In fact, there are now
a total of 24 Democrats
running for president. Look at how many people
are on that screen. There are so many people,
you didn't even notice that one of them is Guy Fieri. And…
[ Cheers and applause ] And he's definitely more
qualified than Donald Trump, because, need I remind you,
he's the mayor of Flavortown. Great bowling alleys,
terrible schools. Of course…
[ Laughter ] We'll just —
We'll cut out that. Cut out the Flavortown joke
I fought for all day. Live?! Of course, with 10 people
on the stage, the candidates knew it
would be tough to stand out, which is why they were all
preparing in different ways to make their case as concise
and effective as possible. -Senator Elizabeth Warren
and her 2020 Democratic rivals are very busy right now,
because they're prepping for the first pair of
Democratic debates. Warren has focussed on boiling
down her positions, her policy positions, to try to
fit the time constraints. Senator Amy Klobuchar has spent
time watching the 2016 debates to see how President Trump
and his GOP rivals stood out in that crowded field. -Wait. You're studying Trump's
debate performances to see how he stood out? Which ones did you watch? Did you study the tape of that
time Trump and Ben Carson missed their cues
and got stuck in the hallway leading to the debate stage? 'Cause that is a case
where he stood out literally. And it really is amazing that
out of everyone on the stage, the two guys who ended up
in the federal government are the ones who turned
a presidential debate into an escape room. "Help us, clue master.
We need a hint." Seriously, what lessons
can you learn from Trump's
debate performances? "Okay, just remember,
yell as loud as you can, limit your vocabulary
to four words, and, if you get lost,
just remember to act natural and stare directly into
the camera. like you're having
your portrait drawn." [ Cheers and applause ] Now, before the debate,
the candidates also showed up to check out the debate stage,
like Ohio Congressman Tim Ryan, who got caught sporting
a very casual look. -2020 contender Tim Ryan is on
the debate stage right now, doing his walk-through. That's going to be happening
through the course of the day. We do have a presidential
candidate right with us. There's Tim Ryan
wearing his cap backward. -"Uh… Hey, guys, there aren't cameras
here now, right?" Did you get confused and think this was your
office softball game? You don't look like a candidate. You look like you should be
pounding some Sam Adams tall-boys
at a Red Sox game. Now, say what you will
about the Democrats. Most of them seemed to enjoy
talking about policies, and the campaign so far has been
incredibly substantive. Senator Kamala Harris has a plan for cash payments to
middle-class household. Senator Bernie Sanders
rolled out a plan to cancel all student debt. And Senator Elizabeth Warren
was so excited to discuss her plans to tax
the wealthy at a town hall that she could
hardly contain herself. -Thank you, Senator Warren,
for being here. How the do you plan to make sure the extremely rich pay
their fair taxes? -Whoa! -Whoa! Taxes! That question was
Elizabeth Warren's Mardi Gras. Asking Warren that question
is like walking up to Chris Cuomo
at a party and going, "Hey, you know anything
about CrossFit?" And that excitement
for talking about policy seems to have caught on, because
while the polls have stayed mostly flat so far,
Warren's stock has been rising, and that's caught
the attention of both the Democratic front-runner,
Joe Biden, and President Trump. -New polling shows Warren's
economic message is resonating with voters. In the latest NBC News/"Wall
Street Journal" poll, 26% of Democratic primary voters
say they're enthusiastic about her candidacy. That's a 6-point bump
from last month. It might explain why Biden's
team is also reportedly getting a little worried
about her rise. And President Trump's campaign
is zeroing in on the threat that she could pose. -Oh, come on.
Donald Trump doesn't zero in. If anything, he zeros out. And I especially can't imagine
him zeroing in on Elizabeth Warren. For one thing, Warren literally
did an interview where she was running to catch
a train at Penn Station. Can you imagine if Trump was
late for a train? Forget answering questions. Mike Pence would have to carry
him on his back like a tired 4-year-old. So, with Warren
the obvious standout coming into this debate,
the other candidates were looking for ways to shine, and former Texas Congressman
Beto O'Rourke settled on a strategy of going
bilingual right out of the gate. -This economy
has got to work for everyone, and, right now,
we know that it isn't. And it's going to take
all of us coming together to make sure that it does. [ Speaking Spanish ] -I mean, I knew he was going to
bust out his Spanish. I just didn't know
it would be that quickly. Remember, Beto, you only
have one bullet, so don't fire until you see the
whites of their — Bang! Also, check out
Cory Booker's face when it cuts to him during
Beto's answer. -[ Speaking Spanish ] -Now, you might think that's
a face of a guy thinking, "I can't believe you're
pandering by speaking Spanish," but it's actually the face of
a guy thinking, "Oh, man! I was gonna do that." -[ Speaking Spanish ] -Not only do I applaud them
speaking Spanish, you just know everyone in
tomorrow's debate who doesn't speak Spanish is going to spend
the whole day cramming. "I think all Americans
want answered — the question they
want answered is, '¿Donde esta mi gato?'" [ Cheers and applause ] Now, Beto has been
struggling in the polls, despite the national fame
he gained from his Senate campaign
against Ted Cruz, but he was still head
and shoulder above some rivals in name and face recognition,
like, um…this guy. -Congressman Delaney,
do you agree? -I think we need do real things
to help American workers and the American people. -Okay, quick question —
who are you? You look like you were
supposed to be in a lawn-care commercial
during the break, but they just accidentally
let you stay. And then there was Tim Ryan,
the Ohio congressman, who seemed maybe
slightly surprised that he got a question. -Congressman Ryan,
President Trump — and you just referred to him —
promised that manufacturing jobs
were all coming back to places like your home state of Ohio. Can you make that same promise? -Yes, I believe you can. -Tim Ryan always looks like
his dog just talked. "Rusty, did you just say,
'Good morning'?" Then the debate moderators
gave the candidates a chance to
differentiate themselves with a key policy question — who would abolish
private health insurance? And only a few
raised their hands. -Who here would abolish their
private health insurance in favor of
a government-run plan? Just a show of hands
to start off with. -Not only did Warren
raise her hand, but check out New York City
mayor Bill de Blasio. He's got to be so happy
he raised his hand when Warren did. It's like when
you're taking the SATs and you peek at
the valedictorian's test and make sure she had
the same answer. And de Blasio clearly said
it's an opportunity to make a name for himself
on the healthcare issue, because after Beto
answered the question, de Blasio jumped in
and went after him. -Would you replace
private insurance? -No. I think the choice is
fundamental to — -Wait, wait. Congressman O'Rourke,
private insurance is not working for ten of
millions of Americans. When you talk about the co-pays,
the deductibles, the premiums,
the out-of-pocket expenses, it's not working. -That's right, so for those for
whom it is not working, they can choose Medicare. -Congressman, you've got to
start by acknowledging the system is
not working for people. -Look at those two. They look like stockbrokers who
got too drunk at happy hour. It's so weird to watch
two guys get into it who are both polling
in single digits. It's like watching the
New York Jets play guys who got cut from
the New York Jets. De Blasio was so eager to get
a word in that, at one point, as they were cutting to
commercial, he started yelling over
the moderators. -Put the American people first.
-Hey, but wait a minute. -All right, we are out of time. We're up against a hard break — -Neither Democrats, nor
Republicans have been serious — -Mayor de Blasio,
we'll have more. The commercial is coming. -Oh, man, that's so New York. It's like when you're trying
to talk to someone as the subway doors are closing. "Hey, what did you call me?!
What did you say, pal?!" Of course,
I'm referring to a time when the subway doors
in this city closed. So, it was a very substantive
issue-oriented debate. And after about an hour full of
complex policy questions about everything
from immigration to gun control to healthcare,
the president decided to weigh in with his own
contribution to the debate, tweeting, "Boring." Oh, I'm sorry. Are you not entertained,
Caligula? I'd say we should send you out
there to spice things up, but you'd probably just get
stuck in the hallway. "This escape room is boring." Also, don't you realize that
most Americans are dying for things
to be boring for a while? I fantasize about the day
I turn on CNN and there's a banner that says,
"No breaking news." Things were also a little weird
when the debate switched over to the second hour for moderators Rachel Maddow
and Chuck Todd, who decided to start out with
some friendly banter. -Now, the candidates will have
60 seconds to answer, 30 seconds for a follow-up,
if necessary. And we will be ruthless,
if necessary. -Yeah, we can do that.
-Mm-hmm. -By the way, hi, Rachel.
-Hi, Chuck. -How you doing?
-Good. -Hey, guys,
we don't need the hellos. We know you know each other. The candidates each get like
9 seconds to speak, and you're chatting it up
like old college friends who ran into each other
at Fuddruckers. It's like they
were waiting for somebody to come by and take their order. But then once they got
the hellos out of the way, they were ready to go
with a smooth transition in the next portion
of the debate. -Many people are calling for
a restoration of an assault-weapons ban,
but even if implemented, there will still be
hundreds of millions of guns in this country. Should there be a role for the
federal government — -I think the other mics are on.
-Oh, everybody's mics are on. I think we have a —
I heard that, too. That's okay. I think we had a little
mic issue in the back. -Control room, we've got — -I think we heard — Yeah,
we have the audience audio. -What's happening? -We are hearing
our colleagues's audio. If the control room
can turn off the mics. -There's voices behind us. -Yeah, if the control room
can turn off the mics of our previous
moderators, we will — -I think it's the
prior moderators. -You know,
we've prepared for everything. We did not prepare for this. -We are going to take
a quick break. We're gonna get
this technical situation fixed. We will be right back. -Maybe you guys should have
spent more time checking the audio and less time
saying hello to each other. I'm surprised Warren
didn't bust out a tool kit. "I can fix it." And, of course, our
TV-game-show-host president, who has nothing to say about
policy, had plenty to say about the technical glitch,
tweeting, "NBC News and MSNBC should be ashamed of themselves
for having such a horrible
technical breakdown in the middle of the debate. Truly unprofessional
and only worthy of a fake-news organization
which they are." Boring! Hey, man, I wouldn't be tweeting
about technical glitches. You think TiVo is
new technology. "NBC needs better
audio equipment. They should have used a Zune." Although, you know
he was TiVo'ing that moment multiple times. "Melania, get in here and watch sleepy Chuck Todd
get interrupted." Bloop-bloop. But a big question underlying
all these policy debates is this — how will you get
your agenda passed if there's a
Republican Congress? The moderators asked Warren
if she had any ideas for dealing with that,
and her answer was unequivocal. -Do you have a plan to deal with
with Mitch McConnell? -I do.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Damn! If Mitch McConnell were capable
of feeling human emotion, he'd be terrified right now. That's the moment everyone
else wondered, "Maybe I should just go." That was like when the matriarch
of a Southern dynasty stands up at
the dinner table and says, "I've made a decision." When Warren said that,
Booker's face got permanently stuck like that, and Tim Ryan's hat
got flew back onto his head. Everyone was eager to
get a word in, like Washington governor
Jay Inslee, who's running a campaign focused
primarily on climate change. He tried to get some attention
from the moderators and then made it kind of weird. -Thank you, Senator Booker.
Rachel's got the next question. -We are going to make —
We are going — Hold on. Governor, you're gonna be happy
with where we go. Governor Inslee,
this next question is to you. You got me?
-Rachel — -You got me? -Oh, my God.
What does that mean? "I'm keeping an eye on her"? He's like the corny dad
at the party who wants to make sure
everyone's had enough to drink. "Chad, I'm onto you, buddy. When that marg's empty,
I'm getting you a refill, Chad." Ultimately, tonight's debate
showed us that a substantive campaign focused
on issues people care about, rather than incoherent rambling
about Christmas or terminating e-mails
is possible, but it also proved once again that there's
a reason "Jeopardy!" has three contestants
and not 10. "Alex, Alex, call on me! I have a Final Jeopardy!
answer." And if you missed
tonight's debate, don't worry — the president has
a high-tech solution for how you can watch it. -"It's great invention
It's called TiVo." -This has been "A Closer Look." [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪

Jimmy Recaps Night One of the First Democratic Debate



-I am so excited about this. Tonight,
we are coming to you live! [ Cheers and applause ] Live!
Whoa! And this is very special —
our entire audience is filled with Democrats
who are running for president. So, unbelievable.
[ Cheers and applause ] Fantastic.
Congratulations. Yeah, just like the debate,
everyone here gets 10 seconds to talk.
[ Laughter ] And since it's NBC,
if you go past your time, you're gonna hear this. [ Dramatic tone ] Okay.
That's the way it works. Now, the debate
was right here at NBC, and there was a lot
of excitement in the building. It felt
just like the Super Bowl, you know, if 20 teams
played the game over two nights and the winner wasn't decided
for another year. But besides that… But it's true — we're live, and we just watched the first
Democratic debate down in Miami. If you missed it,
here's what happened. There were 10 Democrats
on stage, and to qualify, all a candidate needed
was to poll at 1% or higher. [ Laughter ] That's it? One per–
I mean, even O.J. is at 2%. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -But once it got under way, something very interesting
happened. In his first question
of the night, Beto O'Rourke decided
to start speaking Spanish. Watch this. -And it's gonna take all of us
coming together to make sure that it does. [ Speaking Spanish ] [ Laughter ] -Cory Booker's face.
[ Laughter ] Oh, Cory B– yeah. Trump was watching like, "Crap.
Did I hit the SAP button? What is it?
What is it?" [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Then, when they called on
Bill de Blasio, he was like, "Uh, thank-a you-o.
I'm-a happy to be here-o." [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, Cory Booker
saw Beto speaking Spanish and decided to join in, too.
Watch him. -[ Speaking Spanish ] [ Laughter ] -He sounds
like Arnold Schwarzenegger learning Rosetta Stone. He's like…
[ Speaking Spanish loudly ] [ Laughter ] [ Speaking Spanish loudly ] [ Cheers and applause ] Meanwhile, over on Telemundo,
they were speaking English. -Really?
-It was unbelievable tonight. -Wow!
-Yeah, Beto and Booker both spoke Spanish,
but it's not that crazy because Miami has a large
Spanish-speaking community. I just hope that the next debate
is in Boston so I can hear them say, "We need free college
for anyone who is wicked smart." [ Laughter ] Later on, we got our first look
at one of the underdogs, former Maryland Congressman
John Delaney. Take a look at this guy.
Yeah. [ Laughter ] He looks like a talking thumb.
[ Laughter ] Well, as expected,
Elizabeth Warren and Cory Booker did well tonight,
but I actually thought Bill de Blasio
did a pretty good job, too. The New Yorkers are like, "Where the hell's
this friggin' guy been? Hey, whoa, hey!" Meanwhile, later on —
[ Feedback ] -Welcome back to "Today" —
-Sorry, sorry. That's a mic. Can someone turn
Savannah Guthrie's microphone off?
Thank you. Appreciate it. So, during the debate, there were
some technical difficulties. Take a look at this. -Should there be a role
for the federal government — -The mics are on.
-Everybody's mics are on. Think we had
a little mic issue in the back. -Control room,
we've got contrary audio. -We had the —
I think we heard — Yeah, we have
the audience audio. -What's happening? [ Laughter ] -Then Vladimir Putin was like,
"Is too easy." [ Laughter ] "Is too easy." [ Laughs ] Now, get this — Trump tweeted
and called the debate boring. But he still watched
even though he also said it was a "very unexciting
group of people." As opposed to the rock stars
he usually hangs out with, like Mike Pence
and Steve Mnuchin. [ Laughter ] But I think
I know why Trump's upset. He's probably
jealous of the Democrats. You know, if you think about it,
they got to be on TV, they got
to talk about themselves, and they got to be in Florida. It's like, "These are
my three favorite things! I can't believe it!"
[ Laughter ] There's a lot going on
in the race, and there's
so many Democrats running, it's hard to keep up,
so we thought we'd help you out. Enjoy. ♪♪ -♪ Bernie Sanders ♪
-♪ Tulsi Gabbard ♪ -♪ Julián Castro ♪
-♪ Beto O'Rourke ♪ -♪ Elizabeth Warren ♪
-♪ John Delaney ♪ -♪ Kirsten Gillibrand
from New York ♪ -♪ Cory Booker ♪
-♪ Andrew Yang ♪ -♪ I'm Bill de Blasio ♪
-♪ Tim Ryan ♪ -♪ Michael Bennet ♪
-♪ I'm Eric Swalwell ♪ -♪ Marianne Williamson ♪
-♪ Joe Biden ♪ [ Laughs ] -♪ I'm Jay Inslee ♪
-♪ Kamala Harris ♪ -♪ My name is Pete Buttigieg ♪
-♪ I'm Amy Klobuchar ♪ ♪ And I approve this message ♪
-Yay! -♪ I'm John Hickenlooper ♪ ♪ Skinny kid
with a funny last name ♪ -♪ Now,
who the hell's gonna beat me? ♪ ♪ Their policies
are just insane ♪ -♪ Gun control ♪
-♪ Equality ♪ -♪ Climate change ♪
-♪ Voting rights ♪ -♪ Campaign finance ♪
-♪ Free tuition ♪ -♪ Living wages ♪ -♪ Will not deny
social justice ♪ -♪ Join the fight ♪
♪ Identify ♪ -♪ A woman's right ♪
-♪ It's true ♪ -♪ No excuse ♪
-♪ We can't afford to lose ♪ -♪ Democratic candidates are
here to change the world today ♪ -♪ I'm gonna change my slogan ♪ ♪ We'll sell many,
many more hats that way ♪ -♪ Focus on the future ♪ -♪ There is nothing
we can't overcome ♪ -♪ Democratic candidates are
not afraid of Donald Trump ♪ -♪ When people come after me ♪ ♪ That's really, really,
really dumb ♪ -♪ Democratic candidates
will never defeat Donald Trump ♪ -♪ Extreme radical Democrats ♪ -Thank you very much.
-There you go. [ Cheers and applause ] I hope that helps. [ Applause ] And did you
see the stage tonight? All the candidates were standing
in front of a fake White House. Take a look at this.
Yeah. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile,
inside the real White House, Trump was
looking out the window like, "Why can't I see them?
Am I in the wrong — Am I in the Upside Down?" [ Laughter ] Earlier today, each candidate
got to spend a few minutes doing a walk-through
on the stage just to check out the mics
and all that stuff. Most of them
wore suits and dresses, but Ohio Congressman Tim Ryan
did things a little differently. Watch this.
-All right, 2020 contender Tim Ryan is on the debate stage
right now doing his walk-through.
That's gonna be happening through the course of the day. -He's like, "Hurry up, dude! I got to get to the quad
for Frisbee golf! I mean, what's going on?!"
[ Laughter ] Guys, it seems like
there's so much going on in the news right now. The Democratic debates
are this week, everybody's talking about
"Toy Story 4," Wimbledon is also starting up, and KFC just announced a new
Cheetos Chicken Sandwich. There's a lot to go over,
so let's all just jump in, cover it all at once. It's time for a News Smash. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ First up,
the Democratic debates. 10 Democrats
went head-to-head tonight, and 10 more
will do the same thing tomorrow. There are some
obvious front-runners, but other candidates
aren't very popular at all. You know what is popular?
"Toy Story 4." It's part of one of the most
successful film franchises ever. These movies
get people so emotional, by the time
they leave the theater, they're an absolute mess. Speaking of absolute messes,
KFC's new Cheetos sandwich. It's fried chicken
with Cheetos on top, drenched in
a Cheetos-flavored sauce. If you're the kind of person who
plans on ordering this thing, you know what
you probably won't be doing? Competing at Wimbledon. It's the biggest, classiest
tennis tournament of the year, where players are required
to wear all white. You know who shouldn't
wear all white? Anyone trying to eat
KFC's Cheetos sandwich. I mean, all the Cheeto dust, and this thing
can't be good for you. The number of calories
probably goes all the way to infinity and beyond.
[ Laughter ] The "Toy Story" movies
have introduced us to so many great characters,
it's hard to keep up. You know what else
is hard to keep up with? All these Democrats.
They just keep going back and forth and back forth. You know what else
goes back and forth? Tennis!
And qualifying for Wimbledon takes years
of blood, sweat, and tears. Speaking of tears, "Toy Story." These movies
can cause a lot of heartache, but if you really want
your heart to hurt, why not try
KFC's Cheetos sandwich? In conclusion, good luck,
good luck, good luck, good luck. [ Cheers and applause ]