M. Night Shyamalan Pranked His Mother-in-Law with the Fake Baby from Servant


-How are you?
-I’m good. I was backstage,
and Tiffany twerked for me. -Yeah.
-I mean, it’s good. -Well, wait. You were backstage
probably looking for Migos on your phone being like,
“I have to have this ready…” -No, she did it without music. -She’s a very kind person.
-Yes. -You’re obviously — You’re
known for being a film director. It’s very exciting to have you
producing a television series, directing some episodes. This is,
as one might expect from you, a fairly haunting idea
about a — [ Laughs ]
I don’t know why I’m laughing. It’s a couple
who’s suffered a tragic loss. -Yeah.
-There’s a nanny. Explain the concept real quick
and how it came about. -You know, I get offered certain
things to either, you know, write, rewrite.
or direct or produce. And this particular idea
came to me of a couple
that had lost a child, and they do this very fringe
therapy, this very rare therapy. It’s actually a real therapy,
where they take a doll and pretend that their child
is still alive and to help with
the emotions and all. And it’s such a tragic
kind of setup. And it’s very eerie
in and of itself. And this doll
that they’re using, the mom thinks
the child’s alive, and she believes it so much
that she hires a nanny. And then the nanny comes in,
and the nanny immediately starts treating the doll
like it’s alive. And so it’s a very eerie setup,
and so I was like, “I need to know
what happens to this couple.” -Yes.
-Yeah. -And that’s how you get into it.
-Yes. -I want to show a clip real
quick because this is sort of — Explain the clip
before we show it. Like — -Yeah, it’s — I can barely
show you guys anything about this show
without giving too much away, but this is in episode nine,
which I directed. And weird things are afoot. And strange things
are happening. And this is a moment, I believe, where she wakes up
in the middle of the day and the car alarm is going off
and it just won’t stop. And she’s trying
to find the key, and she finds the key,
and it just won’t stop. And there’s something
that’s going on that’s infecting their lives
in this house. -All right.
Let’s take a look real quick. [ Car alarm wailing,
horn blaring ] -[ Screaming ] [ Car alarm wailing,
horn blaring ] [ Alarm and horn stop ] ♪♪ -See, it’s very haunting.
You make very haunting films. It’s very distressing
to watch what you make. -Yeah. It’s a mystery,
and it’s been fun to do it in this long form like this
with Apple. It’s been — It’s been fun. -How do you —
Do you ever get scared when you’re watching something
that you have done? -I’m definitely — I’m — If you
watch a movie with me, if we were in a movie theater
together, I am the best audience member. I’m squirming, and I’m jumping,
and I’m like, “Oh, my gosh.
That happened to Kevin Hart? Oh, my gosh!” I’m definitely the guy that’s
totally reacting to everything. And even in my stuff,
when it’s working, I start to react like that,
as well. -And so — Obviously when you make a film
you do test screenings, you are watching
audience members. Are you looking for something
from an audience member when they’re watching
something you’ve made? -Well, it’s really interesting
’cause I make thrillers generally,
like, suspense thrillers. And what ends up happening — I
noticed this when I was younger, and I didn’t realize this was
actually a real thing. But as I’ve made more movies, it’s actually a science
what I’m telling you. So, you screen the first cut of
movie, and it’s really long. It has, like, everything in it.
It’s not paced correctly. And about 50 people
will go to the bathroom during the screening
of the movie. They’ll just get up and go
at some point in the movie. And as you make the movie
and you keep on doing it, then 30 people
go to the bathroom. And the time next,
there’s 20 people, and then 10 people,
then 4 people. And then the last cut of the
movie when it’s ready to go out, it’s two people,
and they’re running, and they’re backwards-watching
the screen as they go to the bathroom. And what’s really interesting
is that, like, you stop thinking about yourself when you’re
completely connected to the movie
and like 500 people forget they needed to go
to the bathroom. -Yeah, I mean, I guess the
perfect movie would just be everybody goes
in their pants, yeah. -Yeah, I’ve never —
never achieved that. -Never achieved that. Yeah. -I’ve never achieved that
Depends level of success. -I do, as would be expected,
like — You know, you mentioned
that it’s like a baby doll. The baby doll, though, is —
We have a photo of it. It is little bit,
I think, more lifelike than people may have expected. [ Audience awws ]
That’s a real — Yeah, exactly. And on set,
I would imagine it’s fairly — As far as props go,
it’s probably fairly creepy. -That is the doll
that they use in the therapy. We had one made for us,
and it’s — It literally moves, and it sits
with you like a real doll. My mother-in-law, who lives
in India, came to visit me, and I was showing her
my offices. And me being
a really bad son-in-law, I decided to trick her. And so we were walking through
the offices, and I went, “Oh, my — Oh, my God!
Someone left a baby!” -Oh, Jesus.
-“Oh, my God.” And she was like, you know —
She’s an older Indian woman. And I was like, “Oh, my God!” And she was, “Oh, no!
Oh, my God! Ohh!” And then I was like,
“Who would do this?! Who would do this?!” And she was like,
“What is this?!” And I handed it to her,
and she starts cradling it ’cause it weighs and it moves
just like a baby, and she starts tearing up,
and I’m like, “This has gone too far.”
-Yeah. -And I said, “I’m just kidding.” -Do you not get this enough
from your work? -“I’m just kidding.
It’s not real.” And she keeps on — she keeps on
doing this as she’s like — It’s a doll, and you can’t stop. Your body won’t stop because it feels and looks like
a real doll. I’m sorry I did that to her.
-Yes.

Do You Believe in God?


Good morning, John. Thank you so much for your video on Monday.
It felt like there was this hole, and Nerdfighteria had been asking us this question for so long,
and we had left it unanswered, and it felt very… it felt kinda wrong. It felt kinda
like a gap in our body of work. And it points out that often, asking questions
about the questions that we want to ask is far more useful than answering the questions
themselves. So for example, interesting question about the phrase “belief in God.” There are
more words that are hard to define in that sentence than words are easy to define. For example, “God”? Even people who go to
the same church, ostensibly believe in the same god, all have different visions of what
God is in their head. Everyone is always going to have a slightly different perception of
what that thing– he, she, it, is. But at the same time, it’s a very particular thing
to each particular person. And then you have the word “belief.” Interestingly,
uh, the question of what the difference between belief and knowledge is is not just a philosophical
question; it is an entire branch of philosophy called epistemology. So obviously, uh, not
something to cover in a video blog, but the longest-running definition is that knowledge
is belief that is true. Which is kinda strange to get your head around, which is why there
is an entire branch of philosophy, uh, concerning it. When we believe something, we accept that
there is a chance that it’s not true, but we have faith nonetheless that it is true.
Like it’s weird to talk about having faith in things that you know, like I know that
this water is not going to poison me if I drink it. Whereas, if I say that I have faith
that this water will not kill me if I drink it, now I’m not so sure I’m gonna drink it. But what really bugs me about the question
“do you believe in God?” is not that there are many more interesting questions surrounding
that question, like “why do we ask it?” and “what does ‘believe’ mean?” –is the motivation
behind asking that question. People who have asked that question to me, or to other people,
I’m just curious, why do you want to know? Because it seems like there’s really only
two reasons to want to know the answer to that question. One: Because you’re not sure yourself, and
you’re trying to inform your opinion, and you think that I’m some kind of authority.
To those people, I say: Thank you for thinking that I’m an authority on this. I am not, and
that’s going to have to be something that you figure out on your own. And if anybody’s
telling you different, uh, then they’re wrong. This is a question for you to answer for yourself. There’s kind of a 1.5 here, which is that
you want to reinforce your beliefs, and you wanna feel like, “Oh Hank, he believes the
same thing as me, so now I feel better about my beliefs.” Well that’s not actually going
to work, uh, for you; you have to feel good about your beliefs for your own sake. So basically 1 and 1.5, I’m not gonna help
you with that, uh, you gotta have to figure it out on your own. And the second reason to ask if someone is,
believes in God is kind of a shortcut to think that you know more about that person because
of a very simple answer, which is dangerous. This is the kind of pattern recognition that
we do constantly as people: we try to categorize things. And that’s usually really useful – until
you start dealing with people. Sometimes I feel like when someone asks me
if I believe in God, it’s like a blind person asking if I’m black so that they can put me
in the right category. People are constantly searching for little things that they can
use as markers to identify how and what people are. Like, “gay people are all like this,”
“Christians are all like this,” “atheists are all like this.” And that is – I mean,
duh – that’s really dangerous! So that’s my biggest fear, that people are
asking because they want to inform their opinions of me with this little one-word answer that
says so very little about who I actually am. After you’ve formed a strong opinion of who
I am and understand how I live my life, that’s when I’ll be comfortable telling you about
my beliefs and practices, which is that I am a Satan worshipper who feeds on the blood
of newborn unicorns. John, I will see you on Friday.

President Trump: “I Like To Obey The Law”


>>WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE
LATE SHOW. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S JUST OUR SECOND SHOW OF 2020. AND SO FAR, WE’RE NOT DOING TOO
WELL ON THE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION OF “DON’T GO TO WAR
WE’VE BEEN WAITING ON PINS AND NEEDLES TO SEE HOW IRAN WOULD
RESPOND. IT’S LIKE OUR COUNTRY HAS SENT
AN IMPULSIVE LATE-NIGHT TEXT, AND NOW WE’RE STARRING AT THOSE
THREE LITTLE DOTS. THIS MORNING, A TOP IRANIAN
SECURITY OFFICIAL REVEALED THE COUNTRIES THAT DRAWN UP 13
SCENARIOS TO RETALIATE– ALSO KNOWN AS AN AYATOLLAH’S DOZEN. U.S. OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY
CONCERNED THAT IRAN COULD TRY TO STRIKE A HIGH-LEVEL AMERICAN
LEADER. WELL, I DON’T KNOW WHO THE
EQUIVALENT OF SOLEIMANI WOULD BE IN THE UNITED STATES. WHO WOULD IT HAVE TO BE? IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A WELL-KNOWN
MILITARY LEADER WHO IS A NATIONAL SYMBOL OF SECURITY AND
STABILITY. OH, MY GOD! IT’S THE GENERAL! GET OUT OF THERE, SIR! TRUMP ISN’T REAL HAPPY ABOUT
IRAN NOT BEING REAL HAPPY WITH HIM, AND HE SHOWED THAT TODAY
WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRIME MINISTER OF GREECE FOR A VERY
GRUMPY EPISODE OF: “CHAIR CHAT!>>Stephen: TRUMP WAS ASKED
ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE OUT SOLEIMANI, AND HE HAD NO
REGRETS.>>HE WAS TRAVELING WITH THE
HEAD OF HEZBOLLAH. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO DISCUSS A
VACATION. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO GO TO A
NICE RESORT SOMEPLACE IN BAGHDAD.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“AND THAT’S WHY WE BLEW HIM UP, BECAUSE HE WASN’T STAYING AT ONE
OF MY HOTELS.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
AFTER GETTING CRITICIZED FOR
THREATENING TO ATTACK IRAN’S CULTURAL SITES, TRUMP WALKED IT
BACK… KIND OF SORT OF.>>THEY ARE ALLOWED TO KILL OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MAIM OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BLOW UP
EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE, AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT STOPS
THEM, AND WE ARE, ACCORDING TO VARIOUS LAWS, SUPPOSED TO BE
VERY CAREFUL WITH THEIR CULTURAL HERITAGE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THAT IS WHAT THE LAW IS, I
LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW.( AS TRUMP )
“I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW, JUST ASK PAUL MANAFORT OR MICHAEL
COHEN. IF THEY EVER GET OUT OF FEDERAL
PRISON, THEY WILL VOUCH FOR ME. THOSE TWO GUYS– THEY’RE GONNA,
THEY’RE GONNA… WITH THE GREEK PRIME MINISTER
SITTING BESIDE HIM, TRUMP ALSO PRAISED AMERICANS OF GREEK
HERITAGE.>>WE HAVE A TREMENDOUS GREEK
POPULATION, OVER THREE MILLION PEOPLE, AS I UNDERSTAND IT. THAT’S FANTASTIC. I REALLY FEEL I KNOW MOST OF
THEM. I THINK I KNOW ALL OF THEM, COME
TO THINK OF IT.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I KNOW EVERYONE FROM GREECE: RIZZO. FRENCHY. DANNY ZUKO. ♪ TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE ♪ DID YOU GET VERY FAR? TELL ME MORE
♪ TELL ME MORE LIKE, DOES HE HAVE A CAR? ♪ UH-HUH, UH-HUH
UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>COME ON, MAN. GET INTO IT!>>Stephen: SO THINGS ARE BAD
WITH IRAN, BUT DON’T WORRY, THINGS ARE ALSO BAD WITH IRAQ. ON SUNDAY, IRAQ’S PARLIAMENT
VOTED TO EXPEL AMERICAN TROOPS. SO IRAQ SAID, “GET OUT.” AND THE PENTAGON WAS LIKE… OKAY. EVIDENTLY, BECAUSE YESTERDAY WE
FOUND OUT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT SENT IRAQ A LETTER SAYING THEY
WERE REPOSITIONING OUR FORCES FOR MOVEMENT OUT OF IRAQ. BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE
RELEASE OF THAT LETTER, OUR TOP GENERAL SAID THE LETTER
SUGGESTING THE U.S. WOULD WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ WAS A
“MISTAKE.” OOPSA-TROOPSY! THE PAYING SAYS THE COPY OF THE
ENSIGNED LETTER LEAKED TO THE PRESS WAS A DRAFT. IT WAS NEVER SENT AS A FORMAL
MEMORANDUM. YOU CAN’T SEND SOMEONE A LETTER
OF THAT MAGNITUDE AND THEN SAY IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING. IT’S LIKE SAYING, “HONEY, THAT
BREAKUP EMAIL WAS FROM MY DRAFTS FOLDER. NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, WITH THIS
RING, I THEE WED.”

Trump Threatens War Crimes Against Iran: A Closer Look


-Well, it looks like
2020 is off to a great start. For more on this,
it’s time for “A Closer Look.” [ Theme music plays ] [ Cheers and applause ] I’m just [Bleep] with you.
2020 is already the worst. [ Laughter ] The sky in Australia
is blood red, thanks to a climate crisis; Republicans are trying to rig
the impeachment trial; and the president is threatening
more crimes on Twitter. We’re less than a week
into 2020. The world is like
your friend who tells you this is the year he’s going to
quit drugs and take up yoga, and then, on January 6th, you see him trying to
sell his mat for crack. [ Laughter ] I mean, we should have at least
been able to come together and enjoy the Patriots getting
knocked out of the playoffs, and the first round at home. [ Cheers and applause ] I mean, finally, Bill Belichick
was as sad as his outfit. For a guy who’s supposed to be
good at clock management, he always looks like he woke up
five minutes before game time. And you know, we couldn’t even
take 24 hours to savor that small victory, because the president
spent the weekend threatening war crimes
against Iran after ordering the assassination
of a top Iranian general and then, in Orwellian fashion, claiming he did it
to stop a war. -Breaking news this morning. The U.S. has carried out
the assassination of a top Iranian military and
intelligence commander. The president ordered this. It was carried out by drone
last night in Iraq. -His name was Qasem Soleimani. He was Iran’s
top military commander. -I went to a State Department
briefing today, a background briefing,
and the officials basically said the ball is in Iran’s court, and
we are trying to de-escalate. Actually, one official said this
was an act of de-escalation. -We took action last night
to stop a war. We did not take action
to start a war. -Trump thinks we can’t accuse
him of rushing into a war if he reads his TelePrompTer
super slowly. [ Laughter ] You can’t just kill a top
general of a sovereign nation and call it de-escalation.
That’s like getting drunk and driving your car
into a Kmart and then telling the cops,
“I did it to stop my car.” [ Laughter ] Trump and his allies are lying
in the exact same ways the Bush administration
lied us into a catastrophic war in Iraq nearly 17 years ago, and the exact same people
are doing it. After the attack Fox News
decided to turn to their stable of
lumpy white guys who have been wrong
about anything, like Lindsey Graham, a champion
of the Iraq war, and former Bush officials
and serial liars Ari Fleischer and Karl Rove. Why are these
the best experts we can get? This is like doing a segment
on organizing music festivals and interviewing
Billy McFarland and Ja Rule. And the same people are
trotting out the same lies they did 17 years ago.
For example, Vice President Mike Pence lied and tried to link Soleimani
to 9/11 in a tweet that was not supported
by the evidence. And if that sounds
familiar to you, it’s because it’s right out of the playbook of George W. Bush
and Donald Rumsfeld, who repeatedly linked
Saddam Hussein to al-Qaeda and
other terrorist groups without providing any evidence. -The reason I keep insisting
that there was a relationship between Iraq and Saddam
and al-Qaeda — because there was a relationship
between Iraq and al-Qaeda. -There are reports
that there is no evidence of a direct link
between Baghdad and some of these
terrorist organizations. -Reports that say
that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me because, as we know,
there are known knowns. There are things
we know we know. We also know
there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there
are some things we do not know. But there are also
unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know
we don’t know. -Excuse me, but is this
an unknown unknown? [ Laughter ] -I’m not —
-There are several unknowns — -I’m not going to say
which it is. -Oh, you’re not going to say,
so it’s unknown whether it’s
an unknown unknown. But one known that we do know
is what Trump knows, which is a known unknown, because he un-knows
what he doesn’t know. Meaning we know
he knows no knowns. [ Laughter ]
It’s amazing. [ Cheers and applause ] It’s amazing that we found a way to elect people who think
these guys have the right idea. It’s like if, 17 years from now, someone made a movie
called “Cats 2” — this time with genitals. [ Laughter ] So, Pence lied, just like
Bush and Rumsfeld lied. But, hey, at least
this isn’t the first time Mike Pence has been wrong about a disastrous war
in the Middle East. -I am here to report, as the United States military
confirmed in Iraq on Monday, weapons of mass destruction
have been found in Iraq. -It’s fitting
that 16 years later, Pence is telling the same lies, because 16 years later,
he looks the exact same. I mean, I’m pretty sure
he’s just a stock-photo businessman
come to life. When he takes off his shirt, it says “Getty Images”
across his chest. [ Laughter and applause ] So, the Trump administration
tried to link Soleimani to 9/11. They also claimed they were
stopping an imminent threat. But if that’s true,
they haven’t presented any evidence of that threat
to Congress or the public. In fact, a “The New York Times”
reporter tweeted that the evidence
for such a threat was razor-thin.
And “The times” also wrote that national security experts
and even other officials at the Pentagon
said they were unaware of anything drastically new
about Iranian behavior in recent weeks.
But that’s not good enough for “Fox & Friends”
host Ainsley Earhardt, who said today that we just
have to trust the intelligence agencies.
-So interesting that people are critical
of the president’s decisions, of our intelligence community’s
decisions, our generals’ decisions.
-They want details. -General Tata said —
Well, they can’t have it. They can’t —
Everything can’t be made public. We heard Pompeo
over the weekend saying, “Everything that we have, the
intelligence community has” — he said, “I ran the CIA
at one point. We can’t release everything. We can’t release all of our
intelligence information. We’ll release as much as we can, but you just have to
trust us, basically.” -Oh, we just have to trust them? I’m sorry, but I’m not inclined
to trust an administration that lies about everything,
even the most dumbest thing. Let’s not forget, this is
the same guy who literally drew a circle on an official
weather map, in Sharpie, to claim that Alabama was
going to get hit by a hurricane and then pretended he had
no idea how it got there. Can you imagine if Trump
actually tries to present
some evidence against Iran? [ As Trump ]
“I have it right here — the top-secret
intelligence briefing that proves I was right. It says, ‘Iran bad,’
right there.” [ Laughter ] “Right there.”
[ Applause ] [ Normal voice ]
So, there you go. You heard “Fox & Friends.” We have to trust our
intelligence agencies. I wonder, though, if she felt
the same way back in May, when the intelligence agencies
were investigating Trump. What? No, she didn’t? Oh, and the next clip
proves it? Oh, why are you telling me?
You ruined the surprise. Alright, well,
let’s just show it anyway. -There was a Fox News poll,
and folks were asked how likely intelligence
agencies, like the FBI, broke the law
to investigate President trump. Look at that. 58% said “extremely,” “very,”
or “somewhat,” and only 31% said “not at all,”
so that just shows you — -And you get that number when
you add up the first three. -That’s pretty scary
that we can’t trust the FBI. -What?! We can’t? But that lady on the news
just a second ago said we can! [ Laughter ]
Wait a second! Oh, my God, one of two things
is happening here. Either Trump supporters are
self-serving hypocrites who defend intelligence agencies
when they want to bomb other countries,
but attack them when they investigate
the president’s crimes, or Ainsley Earhardt
has an evil twin! [ Laughter ] [ Suspenseful music plays ] [ Applause ] Now, if you’re
a Trump supporter out there, claiming anyone who opposes
this act of war is siding with the enemy,
let’s just remember, this is the same president
who literally said he and Kim Jong-un,
a brutal dictator who starves and tortures
his own people, quote, “fell in love because
of Kim’s beautiful letters.” Trump actually said that
about a brutal dictator. He sounds like a Southern belle
meeting suitors at a cotillion. “My dear Beauregard,
I fell in love with you after your beautiful letters.” [ Laughter ] I’m pretty sure most people hadn’t even heard
Soleimani’s name until recently, and that includes Trump himself,
who was asked about him in a radio interview in 2015 and
clearly had no idea who he was. -Are you familiar
with General Soleimani? -Yes. Go ahead.
Give me a little. Go ahead, tell me. -He runs the Quds Forces.
-Yes, okay. Right. -Do you expect —
-And I think the Kurds, by the way, have been harshly
mistreated by us. -No, not the Kurds,
the Quds Forces — the Iranian
Revolutionary Guard Quds Forces, the bad guys.
-Yes, right. -Do you expect his behavior
to change as a result — -Oh, I thought you said “Kurds.” -I love —
I love how Trump tried to pretend he knew who he was,
even though he clearly didn’t. “Do you know General Soleimani?” [ As Trump ] Yeah — No, I do. But I want to see
if you know who he is. [ Normal voice ]
Clearly, this was a reckless act
by an impulsive president who hasn’t thought through
any of the consequences. But a lot of people,
including prominent Democrats, are also asking, “Why now? Why would a president who’s
facing an impeachment trial, and mounting evidence
of his guilt suddenly start a war with Iran as he heads into
an election year. I wonder if 2011-2012
Donald Trump had anything to say about that when it came
to President Obama. -I say that he starts
a war in Iran before the election, which will make it very hard
for the Republican to win, okay? And I’ve said that,
and I predicted that. He doesn’t talk to anybody.
He’ll start a war. You know, lives will be wasted
for no reason. I happen to think
that the president is going to start
a war with Iran. I think it will be a short-term
popular thing to do, and I think he’s going to
do that for political reasons. Our president will start
a war with Iran because he has absolutely
no ability to negotiate. He’s weak, and he’s ineffective.
So the only way he figures that he’s going to
get re-elected, and as sure
as you’re sitting there, is to start a war with Iran. I believe
that he will attack Iran sometime prior to the election
because he thinks that’s the only way
he can get elected. Isn’t it pathetic?
-Yes, it is. The thing about Trump is
that he never tells the truth about himself in the present, but he always tells the truth
about himself like 10 years in advance. When he accuses people of
crossing the border illegally, that means, 10 years from now,
he’s going to get caught climbing over his wall,
trying to flee to Mexico. [ As Trump ] David, uh,
why did we make it so tall? [ Laughter ] [ Normal voice ] So,
it’s already terrifying that the president is
impulsively lurching into an unjust and unmoral war, and then, on Sunday,
he decided to go even further and threaten war crimes
against Iran with a truly psychotic tweet
that he genuinely thought counted as some sort of
official legal document. Here is the very real tweet the president
of the United States sent out on Sunday. “These media posts
will serve as notification to the United States Congress
that should Iran strike any
U.S. person or target, the United States will quickly
and fully strike back and perhaps in a
disproportionate manner. Such legal notice
is not required but is given nevertheless.”
That’s right. The same guy who brought you
such tweets as, “Robert Pattinson
should dump Kristen Stewart,” and, “I have never seen a thin
person drinking diet Coke,” now thinks his tweets serve as official
legal notice to Congress. I don’t think this tweet counts as legal notice to commit
an act of war, but I do think it counts as legal notice
to have you committed. That tweet sounds like something that could be scrawled
on the walls of a psych ward. “Let this serve
as a legal notice that I know you’re hiding pills
in my applesauce, and I will find them
and sue you for malpractice.” [ Applause ]
And by the way, threatening a disproportionate
response is a war crime, just like when Trump tweeted
the previous day that, “If Iran strikes any
Americans or American assets, we have targeted
52 Iranian sites, some at a very high level and important to Iran
and the Iranian culture. And those targets
and Iran itself will be hit
very fast and very hard.” First of all,
it’s not reassuring when the president tweets
in all caps like a lunatic who sees his ex-girlfriend
posting pictures of herself with another guy,
and texts her at 3:00 a.m., “Who is Brad?
Why are you in Cabo? I will hit him
very fast and very hard!” A war with Iran would be
unjust and immoral, cause mass death and suffering, and destabilize
the region and the world. And Trump obviously
hasn’t thought about, or doesn’t care about,
those consequences, because, by all accounts, he made this decision
impulsively, to the surprise of his own
top military officials. “The New York Times” reported
that they were stunned, flabbergasted, and alarmed
when trump chose the option of killing Soleimani. Apparently,
Trump’s military advisers put the option
on one PowerPoint slide to make the other options
seem more reasonable, not actually thinking
he would pick it. One briefing slide
shown to Trump listed several follow-up steps
the U.S. could take, among them targeting Soleimani. Unexpectedly,
Trump chose that option. Oh, oh, did Donald Trump
do the unexpected… [ Laughter ]
…instead of the reasonable? Did you guys
not get a briefing on him? You can’t expect
the reasonable choice from the guy who
stared into a eclipse, and when his umbrella
got caught, just left it on the stairs. [ Laughter and applause ] Congress must do
everything in its power to stop an unjust and immoral
war with Iran that will have
disastrous consequences. That’s why thousands of
protesters took to the streets over the weekend
in cities across the country to say no to war with Iran. We have an impulsive, lawless
president threatening war crimes, who thinks his tweets count
as official legal documents. You got to ask…
-Isn’t it pathetic? -This has been
“A Closer Look.” [ Theme music plays ]

pirates. drugs. gay marriage. // Auto-Tune the News #2


Perhaps the Constitution envisions
certain one-size fits all solutions… Booorrrring! I hear a foghorn!
Boorrrrinnng! Élegislature override
a gubernatorial veto… Guboringital! I–I’m not feeling any…
romance between us right now. You gotta do it like this:
Shawtayee! Ready, set, go! This was a pretty remarkable week
on the gay marriage front. -First of all, to have a state like Iowa
-Whatchoo tryna say about Iowa? – Not the east coast state…
– East coast! – Not the left coast state…
– Left coast! In a decision written by
a republican appointee. Shawty, now you soundin so fine! Give me your number,
we can bump and grind. Talkin about politics all night.
Leavin the club in the mornin light. If we get carried away (mornin light…)
we might get gay-married today. We just heard from
some of our viewers who strongly support legalizing marijuana. Shawtayee, 5 of those calls was from me. Do you think we should
legalize pot alone or all drugs, including heroin, cocaine, and meth? My brain says no,
but my body says yes! I’m an angry gorilla.
I heard you needed me. (ooh oh ah ah) Now that Captain Richard Phillips
has been successfully rescued, the president has decided to
step in front of the spotlight… Ooh, I’m angry! You can’t see it,
but my forehead’s veiny. And even take some credit
for authorizing the mission. Well, don’t you worry, baby boo. You’ll always have an
angry gorilla to be angry with you. That’s what I do.
Just ask Donkey Kong. He’s in my crew. At the North Pole, new satellite photos
show arctic ice is melting so fast. Oh snap, how fast? Many scientists now predict
it will be gone within 30 years. Surely you jest!
I’m under cardiac arrest, shawtayee! Some researchers think it could
disappear in just six… (Shit!) Without it there could be
a snowball effect. (Ohhhh) With temperatures rising even faster, if we all don’t take
bold action and take it soon, (Yeah) We will find ourselves on very thin ice.
(Very thin ice) Very thin ice.
Very thin ice. Tell em, Hillary,
pirates on very thin ice. These pirates are criminals.
They are armed gangs on the sea. That means the ocean The United States
does not make concessions. Or ransom payments to pirates. Embarrassing…
Sorry guys. Uh, sorry.
Uh… I gotta take this. Hello, shawtayee, we can
meet up at the mall. (At the mall!) Browse around at the bookstore,
mentally ball until we fall. Love you too, grandma. Ah… sorry. Any other questions…?
Anybody you wanna buy drugs? From me? Auto-Tune the News (auto-tune the news)
Auto-Tune the News (auto-tune the news) Everything sounds better auto-tuned.

Stephen Speaks Out Against Diplomatic Bullying


WELCOME TO” LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HAPPY FRIDAY, WE MADE IT. SAFE. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE FUN PLANS FOR
THE WEEKEND. ANY PLANS?>>Jon: YES, INDEED, I’M GOING
TO GO HOME AND NAP.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GOOD. MY PLANS– I’M GOING TO SPEND
THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN MY CLOSET BANGING ON THE BACK WALL TO TRY
TO FIND THE WAY TO NARNIA. IF THAT FAILS, I KNOW THERE’S A
BOTTLE OF BOURBON IN THERE.>>Jon: PROBABLY SO, YOU’RE
RIGHT.>>Stephen: NARNIA OR BUST. ALL WEEK, ALL WEEK, PUNDITS AND
POLITICIANS HAVE BEEN ASKING THEMSELVES, “HOW DID WE GET
HERE?” ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT IS THE MORAL G.P.S. THAT LED US TO THIS CLIFF? HIGHWAY DID TRUMP WIN? WAS THIS THE REVENGE OF THE
WHITE, WORKING CLASS VOTERS? WAS HILLARY CLINTON COMPLACENT
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. DID WE ANGER THE VOLCANO GOD? I SAID WE SHOULD HAVE THROWN
TAYLOR SWIFT IN THERE. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. IT TURNS OUT TMAY BE NONE OF THE
ABOVE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BLAMING ALL
THE FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS THAT WAS PRO-TRUMP AND ANTI-HILLARY. IN FACT, MORE FAKE NEWS WAS
SHARED ON FACEBOOK THAN REAL NEWS. SO WHERE DID IT COME FROM? TURNS OUT A LOT OF IT CAME FROM
FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS WRITER AND MINDFREAK WANNABE, PAUL HORNER,
WHO SAYS, “I THINK DONALD TRUMP IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE BECAUSE OF
ME.” OKAY! DID YOU HEAR THAT, FUTURE TIME
TRAVELLERS? NOW YOU KNOW WHO TO HUNT LAST
YEAR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AAAH! ALTHOUGH, I GOTTA SAY, PRETTY
RUDE OF HIM NOT TO GIVE AT LEAST PARTIAL CREDIT TO JAMES COMEY. CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. HORNER CREDITS HIMSELF FOR SUCH
INFLUENTIAL FAKE NEWS ITEMS AS, “THE AMISH IN AMERICA COMMIT
THEIR VOTE TO DONALD TRUMP, MATHEMATICALLY GUARANTEEING
HIM A PRESIDENTIAL VICTORY.” “OBAMA SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER
BANNING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT ALL SPORTING EVENTS NATIONWIDE,”
AND “GAY WEDDING MOBILE VANS CASHING IN ON THE LEGALIZATION
OF GAY MARRIAGE.” BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU THINK GAY
PEOPLE YOU THINK ONE THING– VANS.>>Jon: THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: AND HORNER KNOWS
WHO HE CAN THANK FOR HIS SUCCESS, SAYING:
“HONESTLY, PEOPLE ARE DEFINITELY DUMBER. THEY JUST KEEP PASSING STUFF
AROUND. NOBODY FACT-CHECKS ANYTHING
ANYMORE. I MEAN, THAT’S HOW TRUMP GOT
ELECTED.” OH, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT
EVERYBODY, BUT CERTAIN PEOPLE DEFINITELY DON’T SEEM SMART. FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
THE FAKE NEWS WRITER WHO BRAGGED ABOUT ELECTING A REALITY SHOW
ABOUT ELECTING TRUMP TO THE COUNTRY HE HAS IT TO LIVE IN. OF COURSE, THIS ISN’T HORNER’S
FIRST BRUSH WITH FAME. LOOK AT THESE HEADLINES. “PAUL HORNER TRAMPLED BY ALPACA
AT BEASTIALITY CLUB. NATION REJOICES.” “DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN AND THEN
FEASTS ON THE FLESH OF PAUL HORNER.” BUT ACTUALLY, WE MADE THOSE UP,
FULL DISCLOSER. AND I KIND OF WISH MORE NEWS WAS
FAKE RIGHT NOW.>>Jon: OH, YEAH.>>Stephen: YEAH. I DON’T LIKE SOME OF THE REAL
HEADLINES I’M SEEING, LIKE THIS ONE, “MORE THAN 400
INCIDENTS OF HATEFUL HARASSMENT AND INTIMIDATION
SINCE THE ELECTION. FOR INSTANCE, INDIANA, WHERE
AN EPISCOPAL CHURCH WAS VANDALIZED WITH A SWASTIKA AND
THE WORDS ‘HEIL TRUMP’.” I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I MEAN, IT’S 2016. CAN WE PLEASE WAIT A LITTLE
LONGER BEFORE PUTTING UP THE 2020 CAMPAIGN SIGNS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT’S EVEN INFECTING FASHION,
BECAUSE THIS WEEK A NEO-NAZI BLOGGER DECLARED NEW
BALANCE THE “OFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE.” UTILL NOW, THEY WERE THE
UNOFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE. THE “FASCIST-NISTA” WENT ON TO
WRITE: “THIS WILL BE FANTASTIC. WE WILL BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE ONE
ANOTHER BY OUR SPORTSWEAR.” FINALLY, A WAY FOR NAZIS TO
RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THE SWASTIKA NECK TATTOO WAS
A LITTLE SUBTLE. THIS ALL STARTED– YAY! NECK TATTOO. THIS ALL STARTED AFTER NEW
BALANCE SUPPORTED THE ELECTION OF DONALD TRUMP, STATEMENTING,
“THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TURNED A DEAF EAR TO US AND, FRANKLY,
WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP, WE FEEL THINGS ARE GOING TO MOVE IN
THE RIGHT DIRECTION.” PEOPLE GOT SO MAD AT NEW BALANCE
FOR SUPPORTING TRUMP LIKE THIS, THEY FILMED THEMSELVES SETTING
THEIR SHOES ON FIRE. IT’S THE MOST MOVING ACT OF
SHOE-RELATED CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE SINCE DR. MARTIN LUTHER SCHOLLS’
“LETTER FROM A BIRMINGHAM FOOT LOCKER.” HE MADE UP IT THE MOUNTAINTOP
VERY FAST. HE RAN UP THE THING. HE WAS GELLING. NOW, I KNOW OUR NATION IS
DIVIDED RIGHT NOW, BUT DO WE HAVE TO DRAG FOOTWEAR INTO IT? I’M A WHITE MALE OF A CERTAIN
AGE WHO ENJOYS KHAKIS. DON’T TAKE MY NEW BALANCE FROM
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO WEAR WHEN I’M WAITING FOR MY WIFE
OUTSIDE THE TALBOT’S? SPEAKING OF BEING MARRIED. PEOPLE MARRIED? PEOPLE MARRIED.( APPLAUSE )
GUYS WHO WEAR WEDDING RINGS, IF
YOU’RE SHOPPING FOR ONE, SORRY
TO PUT YOU ON THE SPOT, GUYS, IF YOU’RE BUYING A RING,
BE SURE TO READ ALL THE SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS, BECAUSE THIS WEEK
DOCTORS REMOVED A WEDDING RING FROM A MAN’S PENIS. FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU CAN
ACTUALLY FIT A WEDDING RING AROUND YOUR PENIS,
CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING SOMEONE TO MARRY YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE MAN IN THIS STORY APPARENTLY
PUT THE BLING ON THE THING FOR “EROTIC REASONS.” WEKKM LIKE BEYONCE SAID, “IF YOU
LIKE IT, YOU BETTER PUT A RING ON IT.”>>Jon: YAY!>>Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. IT’S TRUE. ♪ ♪ ♪
AS FOR THE MAN’S TREATMENT OPTIONS, DOCTORS SAID,
“NO PROPER GUIDELINES EXIST FOR THE TREATMENT OF THIS CONDITION,
SO THE BEST METHOD IS THE ONE WITH A SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME.” YES, HOPEFULLY HE’LL HAVE A
SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME. WHAT HE WANTED WAS A HAPPY
ENDING. NOW, IF THERE WEREN’T ENOUGH
TROUBLING NEWS ALREADY THIS WEEK, IT WAS JUST REVEALED THAT
AFTER 11 SEASONS AND DECLINING VIEWERSHIP “DUCK DYNASTY” IS
SAYING GOOD-BYE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. I’M SAD, TOO. ( LAUGHTER )
TURNS OUT THE GUYS WANTED TO SPEND MORE TIME EXPLORING THEIR
TRUE PASSION– CHALLENGING SQUIRRELS TO STARING CONTESTS. NO WORD YET ON WHAT THE GUYS
PLAN TO DO NEXT, BUT MY MONEY’S ON PHIL ROBERTSON BEING CHOSEN
THE NEXT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, UNITED AIRLINES JUST ANNOUNCED THEY’RE OFFERING A
CHEAPER TICKET OPTION CALLED “BASIC ECONOMY,” NOT TO BE
CONFUSED WITH THE NAME OF THE BOOK DONALD TRUMP IS FRANTICALLY
READING RIGHT NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY, THE FUTURE IS A COIN TOSS! IN UNITED’S BASIC ECONOMY,
PASSENGERS “WON’T BE ABLE TO CHOOSE THEIR SEATS, WILL BE
LAST TO BOARD THE PLANE, AND WON’T BE ABLE TO CARRY ON MORE
THAN ONE PERSONAL ITEM THAT WILL FIT UNDER THE SEAT IN FRONT
OF THEM.” ALSO, YOU CAN’T HAVE LEGS, AND
ALL THE BABIES ON THE PLANE WILL CRY INTO TUBES THAT GO DIRECTLY
INTO YOUR EARS. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF A LIVING NIGHTMARE– NORTH KOREA HAS LONG BEEN RULED
BY SUPREME LEADER AND BIEWR ITO SUPREME, KIM JONG-UN. AND RECENTLY, NORTH KOREAN
OFFICIALS LODGED A FORMAL REQUEST WITH CHINA TO PROHIBIT
NAMES DISPARAGING KIM JONG-UN, SPECIFICALLY, THE
NICKNAME KIM FATTY III” THAT’S JUST MEAN. WHY ARE YOU FAT SHAMING THIS
GUY WHICH YOU COULD BE HUMAN-RIGHTS SHAMING THIS GUY? PLUS, IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE
FUN OF HIM– KIM’S A GIRL’S NAME. NOW, THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM
FOR NORTH KOREA, AS THE COUNTRY’S GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
ARE TERRIFIED ABOUT THE INSULT AND LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO
BLAME. IF HE’S LOOKING TO PLACE BLAME
ON SOMEONE ABOUT HIS WEIGHT, MAY I SUGGEST HIS MOUTH. I WANT TO TAKE A BOLD STANCE
AGAINST CYBERBULLYING, WHICH IS WHY I’M GOING TO RECORD AN
IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT OVER IN CAMERA ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
HI, I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK
THEIR BONES, BUT WORDS CAN REALLY HURT THEM. HI, I’M STILL STEVE COLBERT. I’D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO
SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE EPIDEMIC OF WORLD-LEADER BULLYING. IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT, BUT AS
WE SPEAK, HEADS OF STATE ARE BEING VICIOUSLY MOCKED IN EVERY
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, EXCEPT CANADA. THAT GUY’S JUST HOT. Y( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU MAY HAVE EVEN BULLIED WORLD LEADERS YOURSELF WITH NICKNAMES
LIKE “ANTHRAX Q. RABBITMOUTH,” “SECRET AGENT HORSE FONDLER,”
AND “LADY PAUL MCCARTNEY.” ( LAUGHTER )
NO MATTER HOW ACCURATE IT IS, IT IS CRUEL. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK OF
CALLING KIM JONG-UN “KIM FATTY III,” OR “THE CABBAGE
PATCH DICTATOR,” OR “MAN WHO ATE BOTH KIDD AND PLAY,” JUST
REMEMBER– HE HAS FEELINGS, TOO. AND A NUCLEAR WEAPON. SO SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. WILLIAM H. MACY IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I’M GOING TO
SIT AMERICA DOWN AND GIVE IT A LITTLE FATHERLY ADVICE. STICK AROUND!

Hey Steve: The In-Laws are Always Around! || STEVE HARVEY


– I’ve been married for 22
years, this is my husband, wonderful man, love him,
but we’ve had the same fight for about 20 years. He has a problem where
he thinks that my family is too involved in our personal business. Because I come from a
large Hispanic family, (audience cheers and applauds) yes, I’ve brought 10 of
them from Cleveland with me. – Whoa whoa whoa, all
them people that hollered, them your family? (audience hollering and applauding) – Yeah, they’re all from
Cleveland (laughing). (audience laughs) Steve, my family’s
always been there for me. And my husband comes from
a very tight-knit family. In a Boriqua family,
it’s a little different. So I understand that, I give
him the authority in the house, I respect him as the head of the house, but I like their input. So sometimes I tell them things and, yes, they do some things with us, and so he gets sometimes
where he, he doesn’t get mad, but he’s like, I need some personal space. And I’m telling him,
okay, go to the bedroom, they’re coming over. (audience laughs) And so I don’t understand. Do you think he’s really being
a little bit overly sensitive when it comes to my family? – No I think your husband is 100% correct. (audience applauds and murmers) – But I don’t agree! I don’t agree! (audience
applauds and cheers) – Steve, Uncle Steve, listen, I came here ’cause I been outnumbered for 24 years. (audience laughs) First of all, let me correct her, we’ve been together 24 years,
we’ve never ever had a fight. Now we’ve had intense fellowship, (audience laughing)
– Yes. – But never a fight. Listen, we don’t do nothin, without Puerto Ricans! (audience laughing) On our honeymoon, Uncle
Steve, our honeymoon, she brought, yes, she
brought her grand mama. (audience laughs and screams) – Wait, wait, wait, wait! There’s a reason, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on , hold on! There’s more to this. My abuela came, but let me tell you why. We, first of all we were married. We didn’t have any money, we
didn’t have no where to go. And we were just starting off. We didn’t have any money. – We didn’t need her grand mama though. – My– – You don’t need money to
do what you needed to do. (audience laughs)
– Listen! – That’s free.
(audience laughs) – Listen!
This is not, listen! Steve, what happened to
happy wife, happy life? He keeps me happy, which he does. He’s very good to me. He’s a great man, mentors. – Talk about me, girl. (audience laughs) – Two master’s degrees,
he’s great, he’s awesome! It’s just this one area
that you know, like, my family, just, they’re there for us. And he knows that too, right? – They are, listen, they are there for us. But some stuff gotta be for us, that’s what I’m tellin’ her. (audience applauding)
– See, hold on. Now what’s your name, Michelle? – Yes. – Now you seem like you
got a real nice family. Just let me tell your family something. All your decisions that
you runnin’ by them, it’s none of their business. (audience applauds and cheers) Somebody taught me something
that I didn’t know before. And when you get married, you should form a two-handed circle. And in that two-handed circle, is you and the person you marry. They told me, Steve don’t ever
let nobody in that circle. Once you let other people in the circle, you now have other opinions. And it’s tough enough getting
two opinions on the same page. Once you open it up and you let
six, seven of them in there, you’ll never get on the same page. – We’ll try to do, we do date nights, but we’ve like never
taken a vacation alone because, well– – Never, been nowhere, alone. (audience awws)
– Wait a minute. – We’ve been in the room alone, but I mean they’re on the ship or– – I’m not even convinced of
that either. (audience laughs) – [Steve] Wait a minute. – So I’ll try that, that’s my growth plan. – Hey, wait, I gotta tell you somethin’. This dude been waitin’ on this moment. (audience applauding)
– Somebody gonna hit me. – Steve, help me. So like anytime y’all go on vacation it’s never by yourself? – There’s a Puerto Rican somewhere, with us! (audience laughing) Somewhere Uncle Steve,
there’s a Puerto Rican! – Michelle. – I’m gonna try, that’s my growth plan. – No, try, what is trying? You can’t try. You got to do something.
(audience applauds) He owes you and you owe him. – All right, good talk, Steve, thanks for allowing me to have this (laughing drowns out word)! (audience applauding and laughing) – Thank y’all for comin’ everybody! We’ll be right back! (upbeat funky music)