Toffee with Kiran – ft. Politician (Funny Videos) Episode 9


Hello friends … welcome your … Friends … Today’s our show … is very spicy … Who will hear you … ostentatious … Because today among us … such a leader has come … Who find ourselves … between us and you … And … the fleet of our country is … So we stop our super hit entertainment … here … With this promise … that next week … we will meet you again … With a new guest … By that time you should be happy … laughing … smiling … And remember us … Keep loving our show … Along with this … Give us permission … Hello … Adab … Ta … Ta …

Limericks for Erdogan & Reddit’s FISA Transparency Report | SYSK Internet Roundup


(80s synth music) – Good afternoon and
welcome to Internet Roundup. The rootin’-est, tootin’-est
internet show in this room. – In the land. – That’s Josh and I’m Chuck. We do the Stuff You Should Know podcast and we round up the internet
here, two at a time. And the first one we’re
gonna cover here is about a President Erdoğan of Turkey, and when we, we weren’t
sure how to pronounce it and our video producer ninja Casey said, oh, Air-do-wahn? Fascist. I love that. Casey’s the real deal. – Oh Casey is. He’s got his finger on
the pulse of geopolitics. – Yeah he’s not afraid. – And the reason Casey
called Erdoğan a fascist and why a lot of people
call Erdoğan a fascist is because he’s doing things like passing blasphemy laws that prevent him from being criticized publicly. – That’s right. – Bad enough in Turkey,
but it’s actually spread to Germany recently, right? – Yeah, I mean it is going
throughout Europe, apparently. There was a TV show, when was this? I guess in March. A late night TV program, a
German comedian Jan Böhmermann, – [Josh] Nice. – [Chuck] Had a poem about
Erdoğan that was rude and funny and kind of dirty. And they pulled it from the
air, basically destroyed it, white-washed it from existence, this is how they put it, altogether and he has had to go
under police protection. – [Josh] So, bad enough,
– [Chuck] A comedian. – Bad enough. There’s
censorship going on in Germany because a German comedian in Germany made fun of a Turkish dictator. Not cool, right? It gets worse. Apparently, he’s being charged
with obscenity in Germany for insulting the Turkish dictator. – Yeah Chancellor Merkel
is allowing this to happen. – Right. – [Chuck] Which is startling.
– [Josh] And basically Chancellor Merkel’s whole jam is, this is totally cool, we’ll
just let the courts decide. Just let the courts decide. What more of a liberal thing can we do than letting the courts decide. It’s like, no. This guy shouldn’t be charged at all For anything that he’s done in Germany. Like I get if he went
to Turkey and did that, well he’s breaking the law there. As awful as that law is, he’s breaking the law there in that land. This is in Germany! – I know. – [Josh] It’s insane. – It is insane, but this is kind of neat. In the UK there’s a publication
called the spectator. – Spectator takes no guff. – Who is the guy who wrote this, actually? I don’t even have that? Do you have it? – No I don’t. – I don’t have it, but
the writer of this post basically filled everyone
in on what’s going on and decided to have a contest. A limerick contest in
which you would enter, You would submit your limerick And he said you could do
anything, it’s a poetry contest. But he really suggests a limerick. – [Josh] And the guy is Douglas
Murray from the Spectator. – [Chuck] Oh, okay. Douglas Murray says, “I recommend limericks because
almost everything insulting “that is worth saying
can usually be included “within the five lines of
that beautiful delicate form.” Which is pretty great. – And he says it doesn’t have to be in limerick form, it can be in something
else, like you said. But the filthier and more
offensive about Erdoğan, the better. And he’s saying if it’s not offensive, it’s not going to be in the
running for best limerick. – Yeah, he says that
once, and then he says, “I would like to reiterate,
limericks will be excluded “from consideration from
the top prize if they are “A: not obscene, or B: not defamatory.” – Yeah, and it’s a real thing. Like, you can come up with your limerick and send it to [email protected] And the winning poem’s gonna
be announced June 23rd. – Yeah, so if you want to enter, originally he was like, there’s no prize. – It’s just self-satisfaction’s the prize. – But then a reader came along and said, You know what? I’ll offer up
£1,000 as top prize money. So you can now win £1,000,
you put the subject line, “The President Erdoğan
Offensive Poetry Competition” to, like josh said,
[email protected] and he even wrote his own
limerick which we can’t read. – No way. – Because this is… – It’s pretty filthy. – It’s filthy, it’s great. – Not only does it implicate Erdoğan, it also brings Merkel into it. – Yeah, and certain sex
acts, that’s all I’ll say. – I don’t even know if
you can call that sex. – It’s an act of… It’s a bedroom act, how about that? – I guess. – You could, just look it
up for yourself people. Pretty fun. Reddit. A site that I’ve never been to. – Oh really? – Actually the only time
I’ve even been to Reddit, literally, is when we’ve done our – AMAs – AMAs. – That’s hilarious. – I don’t, I’m not a redditor, it’s, I don’t know, I’m 45 years old. – I’m not a redditor either, but there’s interesting
stuff on there sometimes. – I’m sure. – Like it’s definitely, I imagine Reddit is more enjoyable, at least the front page of Reddit is more enjoyable for
people younger than us. – Yeah, I don’t get Reddit, I think. When I look at it, it just looks like a bunch of people sayin’ stuff. – But there’s, there’s, yeah. – How old do I sound right now? – The layout of it is not
in any sort of fancy manner or anything like that. – Yeah Casey’s laughing at me right now. – But there’s a lot of
really cool stuff on there. Like all the Today I Learned
stuff is pretty interesting. – Never seen it. – Or Explain Like I’m Five. – Never heard of it. – Because somebody’ll ask a question under Explain Like I’m
Five, and somebody who is a well trained professional in that field will come and explain it, – [Chuck] So that’s cool. – And you can understand it. Alright I just thought it was
– [Josh] So there’s definitely – [Chuck] a bunch of people
– [Josh] Cool parts to it. – goin’ mrenerenerener. – No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. – Alright, good. So Reddit’s awesome. And they have something called a transparency report or a warrant canary. Basically, this is what they do. They publish this thing I guess, – [Josh] In part of their annual report – [Chuck] Yeah, like spring, they’ll publish it for the previous year, which basically says in the previous year, nobody from national security
asked us for any information. – [Josh] Right, they didn’t receive, so the 2014 transparency report said this. “As of January 29th 2015,
Reddit has never received “a national security letter in order “under the foreign
intelligence surveillance act, “or any other classified
request for user information. “If we ever receive such a request, “we would seek to let the
public know it existed.” The problem is they can’t. – Oh, is that the case? – Yes. When you get a FISA court order to give up your user information, – You have to keep it quiet. – It also comes with
with a gag order saying you can’t tell anybody
that you got this order. – Oh, well this makes more sense now. Because what happened in the 2015 report is that wording just wasn’t there, which was a clear signal
without even saying it that they had been asked for information. – Right. In other words, the
canary in the coal mine, or the warrant canary in
Reddit’s annual report stopped singing, is a way to put it. Really clever. I mean it’s a really clever
way to get around that. – Yeah. – And apparently other companies have picked up on it as
well, including Apple. Apple had one in one of
their initial reports and that disappeared six months later. – Right. – And I guess some of the larger companies negotiated with the government to at least be able to say that they
got one of these orders. – Well they might as well
because if you’re saying we can tell you that
we haven’t gotten them, and we’ll just keep our
mouths shut if we have, you might as well just
be able to, you know. It’s just so obvious. – It is, but that’s a
total workaround loophole that I think the government
didn’t anticipate. – Dummies. – Pretty clever, my hat’s off to Reddit for figuring that one out. – My hat as well. Literally. – [Josh] Literally. – How about that? Is that it? – Yeah, that’s it man. That’s Internet Roundup. – That hour flew by. Thanks for joining us in the studio and we’ll see you next week, right? You gonna be here? – If I’m alive. – Great. We’ll see you next week. (80s synth music)

Beto O’Rourke: We Don’t Need A Wall


>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO
THE “LA “LATE SHOW” EVERYBODY. FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A TEXAN
RUNNING FOR U.S. SENATE AGAINST TED CRUZ. PLEASE WELCOME CONGRESSMAN BETO
O’ROURKE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪>>THAT’S GREAT, AWESOME. THAT’S AWESOME.>>Stephen: WELCOME TO “THE
LATE SHOW.”>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: WELCOME TO “THE
LATE SHOW.”>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU
HERE ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: PEOPLE ARE PRETTY
EXCITED.>>YES.>>Stephen: WERE YOU AWARE
PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF TEXAS WERE FOLLOWING YOUR CAMPAIGN BECAUSE
I ASSUME– ARE PEOPLE HERE– WHO IS HERE FROM TEXAS? ( CHEERS )
>>THAT WAS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.>>Stephen: DO THEY COME WITH
YOU EVERYWHERE YOU GO?>>THEY DO, MY WIFE IS HERE, TWO
OF HER BROTHERS ARE HERE, AND SOME MEMBERS OF OUR TEAM. HEY, AMY. ( APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: NOW, BETO IS–
BETO– YES, HELLO, AMY, HELLO. NOW, I UNDERSTAND THAT BETO–
BETO IS NOT YOUR REAL NAME. WHAT IS YOUR REAL NAME?>>I WAS BORN ROBERT FRANCIS
O’ROURKE, BUT LIKE MANY PEOPLE BORN ROBERT OR ALBERT IN EL
PASO, MY NICKNAME IS BETO. NOT UNCOMMON FOR YOUR MAILMAN TO
BE NAMED BELL BETTEO, OR YOUR MEMBER OF CONGRESS BE NAMED BETO
O’ROURKE.>>Stephen: THIS HAS BEEN A
LONGTIME THING HERE, BECAUSE WHAT YEAR ARE WE LOOKING AT
HERE?>>THIS HAS TO BE 1976.>>Stephen: THERE IS BETO.>>JUST IN CASE I FORGOT– MY
MOM HAD IT STITCHED ON MY SWEATER. SO…>>Stephen: WELL, YOU ARE A
PAST PUNK ROCKER, ACCORDING TO SOME VERY DISTURBING ALLEGATIONS
AGAINST YOU.>>YEAH, YEAH. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: YOU CAN EXPLAIN–
CAN YOU EXPLAIN THIS PHOTO? HOLD ON. I’VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE. A BUNCH OF ART CARDS HERE. YOU CAN EXPLAIN WHAT’S GOING ON
IN THAT PHOTO RIGHT THERE, SIR? WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT THERE? ( APPLAUSE )
AND WHAT IS THIS LOVELY CHEMISE YOU ARE SPORTING.>>I DON’T KNOW THAT THERE’S A
GOOD EXPLANATION. I’M THERE WITH ARLO AND MIKE AND
CEDRIC, WHOSE PHOTO IS ON THE BACK. FOR THE BETTER PART OF TWO YEARS
WE WROTE SONGS, PUT OUT OUR OWN RECORDS, TOURED THE COUNTRY, AND
IT WAS THE THE MOST AMAZING EXPERIENCE OF MY THEN. YOUNG LIFE TO BE TELLING OUR
STORY FROM TOWN TO TOWN. FOUR GUYS LIVING IN A PLYMOUTH
SATELLITE, GOING FROM ONE CITY TO THE NEXT. AND THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT
WE’RE DOING RIGHT NOW AS WE TRAVEL TO THE 254 COUNTIES OF
TEXAS, JUST SHOWING UP, INTRODUCING MYSELF, AND
LISTENING TO THOSE I WANT TO REPRESENT IN ONE COMMUNITY AFTER
THE OTHER, DOING IT FREE OF ANY POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEES OR
CORPORATIONS OR SPECIAL INTERESTS.>>Stephen: CAN POLITICS BE
LIKE PUNK ROCK?>>I THINK SO. I THINK WE’RE PROVING THAT RIGHT
NOW. THERE’S NO ONE OUTSIDE OF THE
PEOPLE OF TEXAS WHO ARE MAKING THIS HAPPEN. AND IT’S THE MOST AMAZING, THE
MOST THRILLING EXPERIENCE. WE’LL BE IN HOUSTON CONNECTING
WITH PEOPLE THERE, GOING IN TO COMMUNITIES THAT HAVE BEEN
WRITTEN OFF OR TAKEN FOR GRANTED OR FORGOTTEN. BUT WE’LL ALSO GO TO SMALL TOWNS
LIKE CHILDRESS.>>Stephen: MULE SHOE?>>MULE SHOE, YEAH.>>THAT’S A TOWN I WANT TO GO
TO.>>YOU DO.>>Stephen: I DON’T KNOW WHY,
I THINK MULE SHOE PROBABLY HAS GOOD BARBECUE?>>ALL OVER TEXAS THERE’S GREAT
BARBECUE. AND JUST AMAZING PEOPLE WHO AT
THIS MOMENT OF TRUTH FOR OUR COUNTRY ARE SHOWING UP IN GREAT
NUMBERS, NOT DIVIDED BY PARTY AFFILIATION OR GEOGRAPHY OR ANY
OTHER SMALL DIFFERENCE. IT’S ALL ABOUT COMING TOGETHER.>>Stephen: WELL, YOU’RE
ALREADY A CONGRESSMAN FROM TEXAS. WHAT PART OF TEXAS DO YOU
REPRESENT?>>EL PASO, TEXAS.>>Stephen: A BORDER TOWN.>>ABSOLUTELY.>>Stephen: THE WEST TEXAS
TOWN OF EL PASO. IT’S– IMMIGRATION IS A VERY HOT
ISSUE AND BORDER SECURITY RIGHT NOW. HOW ARE YOU ON THE WALL?>>WE– WE DON’T NEED A WALL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: OKAY, GO AHEAD.>>SO EL PASO, THIS TOWN THAT I
WAS BORN AND RAISED IN, WHERE AMY AND I ARE RAISING ULYSSES
AND MOLLIE AND HENRY, HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF, IF NOT THE SAFEST
CITIES IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. AND WHAT MAKES US SO SAFE IS WE
ARE A CITY OF IMMIGRANTS AND WE TREAT ONE ANOTHER WITH RESPECT
AND DIGNITY. I THINK THAT’S FUNDAMENTAL TO
SECURITY, TO SUCCESS, TO SAFETY. ( APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: DO YOU WANT– DO
YOU WANT TO SEE– DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE DREAMERS PROTECTED?>>ABSOLUTELY.>>Stephen: CHUCK SCHUMER WAS
WILLING TO TRADE PRESIDENT TRUMP THE WALL FOR THE DREAM ACT. WOULD YOU TAKE THAT DEAL?>>NO, I WOULDN’T. AND I THINK THE PEOPLE OF TEXAS
CAN LEAD ON THIS. I’LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE. REPUBLICAN SENIOR SENATOR JOHN
CORNYN AND I WORKED ON A BILL TO IMPROVE BORDER SECURITY BY
INVESTING IN OUR PORTS OF ENTRY, SO FACILITATING MORE LEGITIMATE
TRADE AND TRAVEL AND VAGUE BETTER IDEA OF WHO AND WHAT IS
COMING IN TO OUR COUNTRY. WE DON’T NEED WALLS. WE IS CAN HAVE SMART SECURITY
SOLUTIONS. AND WE CAN FREE DREAMERS FROM
THE FEAR OF DEPORTATION BY MAKING THEM U.S. CITIZENS TODAY
SO THEY CAN CONTRIBUTE TO THEIR MAXIMUM CAPACITY, TO THEIR FULL
POTENTIAL. ( APPLAUSE )
AND WE CAN MOVE FORWARD IN THAT MANNER OF MAKING SURE THAT WE’RE
SECURE, AND MAKING SURE THAT WE LIVE UP TO OUR VALUES AND OUR
IDEALS. AND TEXAS, THE DEFINING BORDER
STATE AND IMMIGRATION EXPERIENCE, WE SHOULD LEAD ON
THAT. DEMOCRATS, REPUBLICANS,
INDEPENDENTS ALIKE COMING TOGETHER. AND AS WE’VE TRAVELED THE 254
COUNTIES OF TEXAS, WE HAVE HEARD THAT. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO LEAD ON
THAT.>>Stephen: WELL, NOW THAT–
( APPLAUSE ) NOW THAT THE– THREE POLLS IN A
ROW NOW HAVE FOUND YOU GUYS, YOU AND CRUZ, ESSENTIALLY WITHIN THE
MARGIN OF ERROR. IT’S VERY CLOSE RIGHT NOW. TRUMP SAYS HE WILL CAMPAIGN FOR
CRUZ, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY JUST DESPISE EACH OTHER.>>RIGHT.>>Stephen: IS IT SURREAL TO
SEE ENEMIES JOINING FORCES AGAINST YOU?>>YEAH, THIS IS GOING TO BE
INTERESTING. BUT I’M–
( LAUGHTER ) I’M CONVINCED THAT THE PEOPLE OF
TEXAS– AND THAT’S WHO WE’RE RELYING ON– ME PACS, NO
CORPORATIONS, NO SPECIAL INTEREST, NO D.N.C.– THE PEOPLE
OF TEXAS ARE MORE THAN A MATCH FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP OR FOR
POLITICS AS USUAL. WE’VE GONE TO ALL THESE
COUNTIES. WE’VE HELD TOWN HALLS IN ALL OF
THEM. WE’VE LISTENED TO PEOPLE. AND PEOPLE ARE COMING OUT AT
THIS MOMENT OF TRUTH. THEY’RE GOING TO HELP US DECIDE
AS A COUNTRY ARE WE A NATION OF WALLS? WILL WE BAN ALL MUSLIMS OR ALL
PEOPLE OF ONE RELIGION? WILL WE DESCRIBE THE PRESS AS
THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE? WILL WE TAKE KIDS AWAY FROM
THEIR PARENTS AND THEY’RE TRYING TO CLAIM ASYLUM, FLEEING FROM
THE MOST BRUTAL COUNTRIES IN THIS HEMISPHERE, IF NOT THE
PLANET? OR ARE WE GOING TO BE DEFINED BY
OUR AMBITIONS, THE BIG THINGS WE WANT TO DO, GOING FROM THE
LEAST-INSURED STATE IN THE COUNTRY TO THE ONE THAT LEADS ON
UNIVERSAL, GUARANTEED, HIGH-GALT HEALTH CARE FOR EVERYONE? A STATE THAT VALUES PUBLIC
EDUCATION AND PAYS THEIR TEACHERS ACCORDINGLY AND ALLOWS
THEM TO TEACH IT A CHILD INSTEAD OF A STANDARDIZED TEST? AND THIS DIVERSE STATE, THE MOST
DIVERSE CITY IN THE COUNTRY, HOUSTON, TEXAS, CAN WE LEAD ON
REWRITING OUR IMMIGRATION LAWS IN OUR OWN IMAGE. WE CAN DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS. WE ARE NOT RUNNING AGAINST
ANYONE OR ANYTHING OR ANY OTHER POLITICAL PARTY. WE ARE RUNNING FOR THIS COUNTRY,
AND I AM SO EXCITED TO BE A PART OF THIS.>>Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BEING HERE.>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: CONGRESSMAN BETO
O’ROURKE, EVERYBODY!

Ron Burgundy: The ‘Bueller Report’ Is The Story Of 2019


>>Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! IF YOU’RE JUST JOINING US RIGHT
NOW, WE’RE HONORED TO BE JOINED BY THE GREAT RON BURGUNDY. IN YOUR OPINION —
>>RIGHT.>>Stephen: — AND OBVIOUSLY
KEEP IN MIND THAT WHEN YOU ANSWER, THIS IS THE ANSWER.>>YOU CAN’T REAL IT BACK IN.>>Stephen: YOU HAVE TO BE
CAREFUL WHEN YOU POINT THAT THING BECAUSE WHEN YOU SAY IT
PEOPLE LISTEN. WHAT’S THE BIGGEST STORY OF 2019
TO YOU?>>2019? RON BURGUNDY BEING ON THE
STEPHEN COLBERT SHOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NO, NO, THAT WAS CHEAP. THAT WAS CHEMO. NO — THAT WAS CHEAP. SNOW, THE BIGGEST STORY OF 2019
AND I WILL GO ON THE RECORD AS SAYING THE FERRIS BUELLER
REPORT. ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK, NO COLLUSION, DEFINITELY NO OBSTRUCTION, BUT THE FACT YOU
SELECT A FICTIONAL MOVIE CHARACTER TO INVESTIGATE THE
PRESIDENT IS WAY BEYOND MY PAY GRADE. AND I’M STILL CURIOUS, WAS IT
MATTHEW BRODERICK PLAYING FERRIS BUELLER WHO CONDUCTED THE
INVESTIGATION? JUST SOMEONE WHO SAID HIS NAME
WAS FERRIS BUELLER? WE’LL NEVER KNOW. BUT THE BUELLER REPORT WILL GO
DOWN AS ONE OF THE MORE FAMOUS DOCUMENTS IN HISTORY. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: SURE. THAT AND THE DEATH OF GRUMPY
ACCOUNT, PROBABLY TWO OF MY FAVORITE 2019 STORIES.>>Stephen: DID YOU EVER
INTERVIEW GRUMPY CAT?>>I COULDN’T. I TRIED. THEY WOULDN’T LET ME CLOSE
BECAUSE OF MY DOG BAXTER.>>Stephen: HOW IS BAXTER? BAXTER — IS GREAT. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: YOU HAD TO THINK ABOUT THAT.>>I HAD TO THINK.>>Stephen: BAXTER IS HOW OLD
NOW, RON?>>BAXTER IS A REAL MARVEL OF
MODERN SCIENCE AND MEDICINE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WE FIRST SAW BAXTER 1972, ’73.>>YES.>>Stephen: SO THAT WOULD BE
47 YEARS. AND HOW OLD WAS BAXTER THEN WHEN
WE MET HIM?>>HE WAS 15 THEN.>>Stephen: SO 62 YEARS OLD. IXTY-TWO YEARS YOUNG.>>Stephen: THANK YOU. SO IN HUMAN YEARS —
>>TIMES THAT BY 7.>>Stephen: IT CAN’T BE DONE. 434.>>Stephen: I DON’T THINK SO. NO? ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: I DON’T THINK SO. 7 TIMES 2, SO 4 —
>>Stephen: NO. DOESN’T MATTER, HE’S OLD.>>Stephen: WHAT’S, IF YOU
DON’T MIND ME ASKING, WHAT’S THE MOST DANGEROUS STORY THAT YOU
EVER COVERED?>>THE MOST DANGEROUS STORY I
EVER COVERED –>>Stephen: BECAUSE YOU MUST
HAVE PUT YOURSELF ON THE LINE.>>BUZZ THE VIETNAM WAR.>>Stephen: YOU COVERED THE
VIETNAM WAR?>>WELL, I DID FROM BEHIND MY
DESK AT THE NEWS STUDIO ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WAS THAT DANGEROUS FOR YOU?>>WELL, IT WAS JUST A DANGEROUS
TIME. AND THERE WERE SPIES EVERYWHERE. A LOT OF SPIES.>>Stephen: SPYING ON —
I TURNED IN A LOT OF VIETNAMESE SPICE TO THE F.B.I. LATER I TOLD IT WAS WHAT IS
CALLED RACIAL PROFILING, AND YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.>>Stephen: THAT IS FROWNED
ON. BUT THAT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.>>A DIFFERENT TIME. STILL NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO.>>Stephen: RIGHT. BUT I ADMIT MY MISTAKES.>>Stephen: AS A JOURNALIST
WHO KNOWS YOU HAVE TO COME BACK WITH A STORY, THAT’S YOUR JOB,
YOU’RE A HUNTER.>>SURE. AND SOMETIMES YOU’RE BEING
HUNTED.>>Stephen: RIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
HOW SO?>>WELL, PEOPLE DON’T LIKE NEWS
PEOPLE, FOR THE MOST PART.>>Stephen: BECAUSE WHEN SHE
SHOW UP WITH THE CAMERAS, WHAT DID I DO WRONG?>>RIGHT.>>Stephen: DID YOU EVER AND
WOULD YOU EVER SLEEP WITH A SUBJECT TO GET AN INTERVIEW?>>WELL —
( LAUGHTER ) — HERE’S THE THING — IT IS
COMPLETELY UNETHICAL, IT IS ABUSE OF POWER, BUT, YES, I DID
IT. ( LAUGHTER )
ABOUT 15 TIMES. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: MM-HMM. BUT, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES — I
MEAN, TOM BROKAW, HE SLEPT WITH MARGARET THATCHER TO GET MORE
INFO ON THE FALKLAND ISLANDS WAR.>>Stephen: REALLY?! HE DIDN’T GET A PEEP OUT OF
HER.>>Stephen: HE SLEPT WITH HER
AND DIDN’T GET THE STORY?>>DIDN’T GET ONE PIECE OF
INFORMATION ABOUT THE FALKLAND ISLANDS.>>Stephen: WOW. HE ALSO SAID SHE WAS A BENGAL
TIGER IN THE SACK. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: SADLY, WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK. PLEASE DON’T GO AWAY. WE’LL BE BACK WITH MORE OF
MR. RON BURGUNDY!

Hillary Cloneton


Hello, welcome to the video. …Wow, that worked way better with sunglasses than contact lenses… Hello, an- Wha- uh, Hang on a second… Just a second… Welcome to the video! I can’t see… ♪ Wheezy Waiter! ♪ Hope your thursday is going really super-great, Beard Lovers. Here’s a joke: What do you call a giant bowling lane full of dolphins? Gotta wait until the end of the video to find out! Tease! In the news: Current libertarian candidate, Gary Johnson, struggled to name any world leader that he respected in an interview with human Pillsbury Doughboy, Chris Matthews. Don’t you wanna know what sound he makes when you poke him in the belly? HMM-HEMM Let’s show some of the interview. Chris: Who’s your favorite foreign leader? Gary: Who’s my favorite- Chris: Any- Just name anywhere in the country, any one of the continents, any country. Chris: Name one foreign leader that you respect. Gary: Former President of Mexico. Chris: …Which one? Gary: Uh, I’m having a brain- Chris: Well name anybody! C’mon gary, that’s kinda sad. Just think of a world leader! Like uh… Uhm… Who’s the… Uh… Like who’s uh… Who’s the former leader of… England…? Kirk Cameron? Kick Cameron! Good leader. Who’s the current leader of England…? Politics clone! Who’s the current leader of England? PC: Theresa May. Ah yes, Theresa! Maybe soon. Hopefully she gets elected! What’s Theresa’s last name? PC: …May? Yeah, you may. PC: Her last name’s May! Ooooohhh! Classic case of misunderstanding! Ha ha ha ha ha! PC: That was stupid… That was a stupid joke.. …What? Huh? In other news, Alec Baldwin has been cast on Saturday Night Live to play Donald Trump this season! They even have a trailer for it and everything, look at them with their modern medias… n’.. crap… Now I have a plan to cast my own presidential candidates in the only way I know how: Making clones. Already created a Hillary Cloneton, but Clonal Trump has proved difficult. It’s really hard to synthesize that hair, y’know, believe me, I would if I could… Also that temperament is really hard to nail, it’s so great… So tremendous. Huge. But since I’ve created Hillary Cloneton, I’d like to ask for her reaction to Alec Baldwin being casted as Donald Trump. Hillary? HC: Try to prevent him from.. destroying the United States. …I’m not asking about Trump, I’m asking about Alec Baldwin possibl- HC: Don’t tell me what to say. Sorry! Sorry. I think we’re getting off on the wrong foot here… HC: It’s not much about us, so much as it as about you and your family. Actually, I just have one family… actually…? HC: I think that would be a good look on you. Multiple families? Really? I-I don’t think so… HC: Ha ha ha hahahahHAHAHAA! Ok, moving on, in other news: It happens to be National Coffee Day, and y’know what? I happen to love coffee. Particularly when it’s done. You think the coffee is done? It isn’t, because i’m currently quitting coffee! ♪ DUN DUN DUN ♪ [ Woman screaming ] I think it’s been a bit more than a year ago when I said I was quitting coffee, and I did quit, and then I quit quitting, and now i’m gonna quit again! I’m already going on 5 days, but I wish I would’ve known it was national coffee day, you guys are posting pictures everywhere and it’s killing me! Luckily, I have water. Liquid-y, drip-y, splashy, water. Coffee is mostly water, anyway. Mmm, so splashy… And the good thing is that water doesn’t stain! When I drink coffee, I hold it back. You know when I drink, I wanna drink like this: Mmm, mmm, mmmm. Dump a little bit down that shirt, there… Ooh! Splashy… It went all the way down to my gary johnson… I know there has been studies and there are plenty of health benefits to coffee, but I’ve also read about the health benefits of not-coffee! I’m just giving this a try, I don’t know if i’ll make it a thing or not! In other news: Remember the most hated man in America? Not me, Martin Shkreli. A pharmaceutical CEO who imposed ridiculously high prices on life-saving AIDS drugs. Well, he conducted an auction for charity where in the highest bidder could punch him in the face! And the highest bid turned out to be from a Florida woman who payed $50,000! Now that got me thinking, I don’t really wanna punch anyone in the face, I’m not a very violent man. But, I have never been punched in the face, and I kinda wonder what that’s like. I mean, I’ve been punched in the face by clones, but clones aren’t people, c’mon, we know that, wake up sheeple. Which is why I’ve added a new $20 perk level on my Patreon, where you can upload a photo of yourself punching and then I will photoshop myself in getting punched! That perk will last until the end of October, but if you continue on with that perk level, I will once a month upload a video of me punching myself in the face. Probably not as hard as I can, depending on how mad at myself I am. I get mad at myself sometimes, especially when I forget to dump water down my shirt when I’m drinking water. Let’s do that again… Ooh! Oh! It’s more fun than I thought it would be. Now, if you wanna know what you’re getting yourself into, this is me getting punched. Again, this is not a real punch cause clones aren’t people, but it certainly feels real, ouchies… And now it’s time for sports with Craig with a Wig. Nilly name point guard for the Houston Rockets, James Harden, showed up at practice in short shorts, and sang along to Adele. That’s what it takes to make the news…? I can do that… ♪ I must have called a thousand times ♪ ♪ To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done ♪ I hate doing that… ♪ Hello. ♪ ♪ It’s me. ♪ ♪ Craig-ity Craig, ♪ ♪ Craig with a Wig! ♪ [ Ding! ] I asked you on my Snapchat, which is Wheezy Waiter of all names, who knew, so original, meh mleh… To send me snaps, or chats, of you singing a Wheezy Waiter outro, and winking. But first reminder to check out that Patreon face-punching perk, as well as the other perks, perk perk perk! And what do you call a giant bowling lane full of dolphins? A grand fin-ally. Oh! So appropriate for the end of the video. Wow, so appropriate. [ Marimba Wheezy Waiter outro song ] [ Ding! ]

America’s Gun Culture Is Melting Down


WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE “LATE
SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YOU CAN FEEL IT. I’M GLAD YOU GUYS HAVE GOT THE
ENERGY BECAUSE YOU CAN FEEL IT TON STREET TODAY. TOOTH TODAY IS A VERY ROUGH DAY,
SO LET’S START OFF WITH SOMETHING FROM THE SMILE FILE. THANKS TO TRUMP’S TRADE WAR
WITH CHINA, THE DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE LOST MORE
THAN 750 POINTS TODAY. AND THAT WAS THE SMILE FILE. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE IT’S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE. ( LAUGHTER )
I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW ON HBO– “CHERNOBYL”– DON’T TELL
ME HOW IT ENDS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IN THE THING ABOUT THE NUCLEAR REACTOR BLOWING UP, OVER
AND OVER AGAIN IN IT, A SCIENTIST OR ENGINEER WILL TELL
A POLITICIAN, “HEY, WE’VE GOT A REAL PROBLEM HERE. THE NUCLEAR CORE IS GOING TO
MELTDOWN AND KILL EVERYONE.Ӗ BUT THE POLITICIANS REFUSE TO
BELIEVE IT BECAUSE ANY ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF FAILURE
THREATENS THEIR POSITION OF POWER,
AND THEIR POWER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN SAVING LIVES. WHAT’S THAT GOT TO DO WITH
ANYTHING? WELL —
( LAUGHTER ) — I THINK AT THIS POINT IT’S
CLEAR THAT AMERICA’S GUN CULTURE IS MELTING DOWN, BUT
THE REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS WOULD RATHER MAINTAIN THEIR
POWER THAN SAVE LIVES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE LATEST EVIDENCE IS THE TWO MASS SHOOTINGS IN LESS THAN 24
HOURS: ONE IN EL PASO, TEXAS, THE OTHER IN DAYTON, OHIO
MAKING FOUR MASS SHOOTINGS IN AMERICA LAST WEEK ALONE. 255 IN 2019 SO FAR. NOW, THERE ARE TWO BI-PARTISAN
BACKGROUND CHECK BILLS THAT HAVE PASSED THE HOUSE BUT ARE BEING
BLOCKED BY SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND THIS MONTH’S
CENTERFOLD OF CORRUPTIONçó MONTHLY —
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
— MITCH McCONNELL. ( BOOING )
THAT IS HIS MATING CALL. ( LAUGHTER )
MCONNELL’S HAD THE BILLS SINCE FEBRUARY, BUT WON’T TAKE ANY
ACTION. I’M SURE HE HAS HIS REASONS. LIKE THE $1.26 MILLION IN N.R.A. CONTRIBUTIONS. HE HAS RECEIVED. ( BOOING )
YOU CAN’T PUT A PRICE ON HUMAN LIFE, BUT IT DOESN’T STOP MITCH
FROM TRYING. ( LAUGHTER )
AFTER EVERY ONE OF THESE TRAGEDIES — EVERY TIME THIS
HAPPENS, EVERYBODY WANTS SENSIBLE GUN LEGISLATION AND
NOTHING HAPPENS. MAYBE IT’S TIME FOR “SENSELESS”
GUN LEGISLATION. ( LAUGHTER )
MAYBE TURN IN YOUR ASSAULT WEAPON AND IN EXCHANGE WE’LL
GIVE YOU A GIANT PORK SAUSAGE.>>OKAY? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT MAKES NO SENSE. THAT IS SENSELESS. ( APPLAUSE )
GIVE ME YOUR GUN, YOU GET A GIANT PORK SAUSAGE. IT’S EVEN MORE FALK THAN YOUR
GUN AND IT’S ONLY GOING TO HURT YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THIS TIME IT’S NOT JUST GUNS, IT’S ALSO OVERT RACISM. WHEN A REPORTER ASKED
EL PASO-NATIVE BETO O’ROURKE IF THERE WAS ANYTHING THE PRESIDENT
COULD DO ABOUT THE SHOOTINGS, HE DID NOT HESITATE TO NAME THE
RADIOACTIVE CORE OF THIS MELTDOWN.>>IS THERE ANYTHING IN
YOUR MIND THAT THE PRESIDENT CAN DO NOW TO MAKE THIS ANY BETTER?>>WHAT DO YOU THINK? UMM, YOU KNOW THE (BLEEP) HE’S
BEEN SAYING. HE’S BEEN CALLING MEXICAN
IMMIGRANTS RAPISTS AND CRIMINALS. I DONK)
THE PRESS, WHAT THE (BLEEP)? HOLD ON A SECOND.ñ
YOU KNOW, IT’S THESE– IT’S THESE QUESTIONS THAT YOU KNOW
THE ANSWERS TO. I MEAN, CONNECT THE DOTS
ABOUT WHAT HE’S BEEN DOING IN THIS COUNTRY. HE’S NOT TOLERATING RACISM, HE’S
PROMOTING RACISM. HE’S NOT TOLERATING VIOLENCE,
HE’S INCITING RACISM AND VIOLENCE IN THIS COUNTRY. SO, YOU KNOW, I DON’T KNOW WHAT
KIND OF QUESTION THAT IS.>>STEPHEN: WELL SAID. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELL SAID. REFRESHING CANDOR. REFRESHING CANDOR. IT’S ALL WELL AND GOOD TO OFFER
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, BUT SOMETIMES YOU NEED SHOUTS AND
SWEARS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TODAY, TRUMP PUT ON HIS PRESIDENT PANTS AND ADDRESSED
THE TRAGEDIES IN EL PASO AND DAYTON– OR TRIED TO:
>>MAY GOD BLESS THE MEMORY OF THOSE WHO PERISHED IN TOLEDO.>>Stephen: OKAY. ALL RIGHT. WRONG CITY, BUT DON’T WORRY,
SIR. IT’S NOT LIKE OHIO’S THAT
IMPORTANT IN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
JOE BIDEN BETTER HOPE IT’S NOT, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, HE OFFERED
SYMPATHY FOR THE “TRAGIC EVENTS IN HOUSTON AND ALSO IN
MICHIGAN.” ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
HOLY TOLEDO. ( LAUGHTER )
LATER ON IN HIS ADDRESS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, TRUMP TOOK A STRONG
STAND:ñr>>IN ONE VOICE, OUR NATION MUST
CONDEMN RACISM, BIGOTRY, AND WHITE SUPREMACY.>>STEPHEN: I TRY MY BEST EVERY
NIGHT, BUT YOU’RE STILL IN OFFICE. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO — ( CHEERING )
SO WHO’S TO BLAME FOR THESE SHOOTINGS? TRUMP HAD A, LET’S SAY, THOUGHT:
>>WE MUST STOP THE GLORIFICATION OF VIOLENCE IN OUR
SOCIETY. THIS INCLUDES THE GRUESOMEE
AND GRISLY VIDEO GAMES THAT ARE NOW COMMONPLACE.>>STEPHEN: FIRST OF ALL,
THERE’S NO LINK BETWEEN VIDEO GAMES AND SHOOTINGS. EVERY COUNTRY HAS VIDEO GAMES. BUT THESE TRAGEDIES ONLY HAPPEN
HERE. SECONDLY, I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR
TRUMP TRY TO NAME A SINGLE VIDEO GAME. ( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) “THESE VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES:
‘TETRIS-MUNCH,’ ‘GHOST MARIO,’ ‘GRAND THEFT PONG.'”
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, IN HIS OWN WAY, TRUMP
TRIED TO HEAL A NATION.>>NOW IS THE TIME TO SET
DESTRUCTIVE PARTISANSHIP ASIDE, SO DESTRUCTIVE, AND FIND THE
COURAGE TO ANSWER HATRED WITH UNITY, DEVOTION, AND LOVE.>>STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
“YES, WE MUST SET ASIDE PARTISAN BICKERING OVER WHO FIRED UP THE
WHITE NATIONALISTS IN OUR COUNTRY, AND COME TOGETHER AS
ONE: (SINGING TO “KUMBAYA”)
♪ SEND HER BACK, MY LORD SEND HER BACK
♪ SOMEONE’S DIFFERENT, LORD SEND HER BACK
♪ I’M NOT RACIST LORD —
( APPLAUSE ) NOT EVERYONE WAS HEEDING TRUMP’S
CALL TO UNITY. LIKE CORY BOOKER, WHO HEARD
TRUMP’S SPEECH AND TEXTED THIS TO HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER, WHO
THEN TWEETED IT: “LISTENING TO THE PRESIDENT. SUCH A BULL (BLEEP) SOUP OF
INEFFECTIVE WORDS.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY,ENING I SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE. OKAY. I SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE. SO BETO SWEARS, NOW EVERYONE
JUMPS ON THE CURSE WAGON. THE NEXT DEBATE IS GOING TO BE
FUN. (AS BOOKER)
“Y’KNOW, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, THEY HAVE A SAYING IN MY
COMMUNITY: YOU’RE DIPPING YOUR SPOON IN THE BULL (BLEEP) SOUP
AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE TASTE OF ASS CROUTONS!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>>Jon: IS THAT A SAYING? I HAVEN’T HEARD THAT ONE.>>Stephen: TRUMP DEFENDED
GUNS ON CAMERA, BUT ON TWITTER, HE WAS MORE OPEN
TO COMPROMISE: “REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS MUST
COME TOGETHER AND GET STRONG BACKGROUND CHECKS, PERHAPS
MARRYING DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT THIS
LEGISLATION WITH DESPERATELY NEEDED IMMIGRATION REFORM. WE MUST HAVE SOMETHING GOOD, IF
NOT GREAT, COME OUT OF THESE TWO TRAGIC EVENTS!”
(AS TRUMP) “AND IF I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
MARRYING, IT IS ALWAYS A TRAGIC EVENT.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT LISTEN TO WHAT HE’S DOING —
( APPLAUSE ) — LISTEN TO WHAT HE’S TRYING TO
DO HERE, GUN CONTROL AND IMMIGRATION
REFORM HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER, AND THEY’RE THE TWO
HARDEST THINGS TO DO IN WASHINGTON, SO NATURALLY HE
WANTS TO COMBINE THEM. (AS TRUMP)
“CONGRESS HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO EAT FIRE OR LEVITATE. ( LAUGHTER )
SO, THEY SHOULD TRY TO DO THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. ( LAUGHTER )
MIGHT MAKE IT EASIER TO LEVITATE WITH FLAMES SHOOTING OUT THEIR
BUTTS.” ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP WAS ABLE TO FIND AT LEAST ONE PERSON TO DEFEND HIM, ACTING
CHIEF OF STAFF MICK MULVANEY, SEEN HERE EXPLAINING HOW TALL A
PILE OF LIES HE’S ABOUT TO SPEW. ( LAUGHTER )
MULVANEY WENT ON THE SUNDAY SHOWS AND HE POINTED OUT THAT
GUN VIOLENCE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GUNS.>>WE’VE HAD GUNS IN THIS
COUNTRY FOR– FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS. WE HAVEN’T HAD THIS UNTIL
RECENTLY AND WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY.>>STEPHEN: OH, I KNOW WHY. IT’S BECAUSE THOSE GUNS WE HAD
HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO WERE SLOWER AND LESS POWERFUL. IT’S WHY, DURING THE
REVOLUTIONARY WAR, THE BRITISH SOLDIERS VOLUNTEERED TO WEAR
BRIGHT RED COATS AND STAND IN A STRAIGHT LINE! (AS COLONIAL BRITISH SOLDIER)
“WOULD YOU MIND KILLING US MORE QUICKLY? IT’S NEARLY TEA TIME AND WE HAVE
TO DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN IN THE CRIMEA.” ( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: WOW!>>Stephen: THE CRIMEA! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MULVANEY’S MAIN ARGUMENT: EVERYONE IS TO BLAME EXCEPT HIS
BOSS.>>THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM. THERE’S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. BUT THEY ARE SICK, SICK PEOPLE. AND THE PRESIDENT KNOWS THAT. AGAIN, JON, I DON’T THINK IT’S
FAIR TO TRY AND LAY THIS AT THE FEET OF THE PRESIDENT.>>STEPHEN: IT’S TRUE. YOU CAN’T LAY THIS AT THE FEET
OF THE PRESIDENT, ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHERE MICK MULVANEY SLEEPS. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. STAR OF HBO’S “SUCCESSION” BRIAN
COX IS HERE, BUT WHEN WE RETURN, ANOTHER TRUMP APPOINTMENT BITESt
THE DUST. STICK AROUND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )

The Worst Campaign Ad Of The 2018 Mid-Terms Has Arrived


SPEAKING OF SUCKING, THE 2018
MIDTERMS ARE STARTING TO HEAT UP ALREADY. FOR INSTANCE, HERE’S AN EXAMPLE:
VIRGINIA’S 10th IS UP FOR GRABS BETWEEN INCUMBENT REPUBLICAN
LADY WHO’S SERIOUSLY GONNA LOSE IT IF YOU DON’T START USING A
COASTER, BARBARA COMSTOCK; AND DEMOCRAT CHALLENGER AND MAN
INTRODUCING HIS TREE TO HIS PARENTS, DAN HELMER. NOW, HELMER IS A WEST POINT
GRAD, ARMY VETERAN, AND SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN; AND HE’S
RUNNING IN A PURPLE DISTRICT, SO THIS IS A RACE HE CAN ACTUALLY
WIN, UNLESS ANYONE SEES HIS NEW CAMPAIGN AD. JIM? ♪ ♪ ♪
>>HEY, DAN, ISN’T THAT CONGRESSWOMAN COMSTOCK BACK
THERE AT THE BAR?>>SURE IS.>>BET YOU CAN’T GET HER TO HOLD
A TOWN HALL.>>TOWN HALL? I CAN DO YOU ONE BETTER THAN
THAT. WE’VE LOST THAT LOVIN’ FEELING.>>NO, DAN. ( CLEARS THROAT )
♪ YOU NEVER HOLD TOWN HALLS ANYMORE WITH CONSTITUENTS ♪
PLANNED PARENTHOOD AND OBAMACARE YOU VOTED AGAINST
♪ YOU’RE TRYING HARD NOT TO SHOW IT
♪ BUT BARBARA, BARBARA YOU KNOW IT
♪ YOU’VE LOST THAT CENTRIST FEELING
♪ ‘CAUSE YOU’VE BEEN RIGHT WING APPEALING ♪
( LAUGHTER )>>Stephen: OKAY, THAT’S ENOUGH! NO ONE KNOWS HOW THAT AD ENDS,
BECAUSE THAT’S THE FARTHEST ANYONE HAS EVER MADE IT. ( LAUGHTER )
I ASSUME IT ENDS WITH “CONGRATULATIONS
CONGRESSWOMAN BARBARA COMSTOCK.” BUT MAYBE IT’S JUST ME. MAYBE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE IT. CHIEF OF STAFF JOHN KELLY, WHAT
DID YOU THINK OF THE AD?

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: Trump Isn’t Ready For A Girl From The Bronx


FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST
SHOCKED THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY WITH HER PRIMARY VICTORY ON
TUESDAY NIGHT. SHE’S NOW ON TRACK TO BECOME THE
YOUNGEST CONGRESSWOMAN IN HISTORY. PLEASE WELCOME, ALEXANDRIA
OCASIO-CORTEZ! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>Stephen: WELCOME TO THE
SHOW. I WANT TO CONFESS THAT I DID NOT
KNOW YOUR NAME ON MONDAY.>>MOST PEOPLE DIDN’T.>>Stephen: BUT WHAT IS IT
LIKE FOR YOU? BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR FIRST
ELECTION.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: YOU UNSEATED A
TEN-TERM CONGRESSMAN, CROWLEY, WHO MANY PEOPLE HAD THROWN OUT
HIS NAME AS THE POSSIBLE HEIR APPARENT FOR NANC NANCY PELOSI. THREE WEEKS BEFORE THE ELECTION
THE POLLS SHOWED YOU 36 POINTS BEHIND HIM AND YOU WON BY 15
POINTS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S A 51 –>>YEAH.>>Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, YOU’RE
A VERY CAPABLE, INTELLIGENT PERSON. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WERE ABLE
TO SWING 51 POINTS IN THREE WEEKS AND UNSEAT THIS MAN WHO
HAD BEEN THERE 20 YEARS?>>I THINK THE FIRST THING TO
KIND OF MENTION IS I DON’T THINK POLLING IS ALWAYS RIGHT.>>Stephen: WE LEARNED THAT IN
2016.>>POLLING — HERE’S THE BIG
THING, POLLING — PEOPLE TRY TO IDENTIFY WHO’S THE MOST LIKELY
PERSON TO TURN OUT, AND WHAT WE DID IS WE CHANGED WHO TURNS OUT,
AND THAT CHANGES THE WHOLE ELECTION. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WELL, WHO DOESN’T TURN OUT, ESPECIALLY FOR
DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES, AND WHO TURNED OUT FO FOR YOU? WHO ARE YOUR CONSTITUENTS?>>WELL, I TELL YOU ONE THING,
WE WERE ABOUT EIGHT MINUTES TILL THE POLLS WERE CLOSING AND I WAS
IN MY HOME NEIGHBORHOOD IN THE BRONX, AND THESE TWO YOUNG,
TEENAGE LOOKING KIDS CAME UP TO ME AND SAID WE JUST VOTED FOR
YOU! AND I WAS, LIKE, HOW OLD ARE
YOU? THEY WERE, LIKE, 19. I WAS, LIKE, 19 YEARS OLD VOTING
IN AN OFF-YEAR MIDTERM PRIMARY ELECTION? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WHAT IS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD? I’LL SHOW YOU THIS CLIP HERE. WE HAVE A CLIP OF THE MOMENT YOU
FOUND OUT YOU WON. WE DON’T HAVE THE SOUND ON THIS. THERE YOU ARE. WHAT’S HAPPENING? WHAT’S GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND
AT THAT MOMENT?>>IT WAS SO CRAZY BECAUSE I HAD
NOT CHECKED ANY OF THE POLLS. IN THE CAR ON THE WAY TO THIS
PARTY TO THE WATCH PARTY, IT WAS LIKE AN OLD BILL YARDS HALL TO
THE BRONX. I HADN’T CHECKED ANY OF THE
POLLS IN MY PHONE AND WE GET OUT AND I GO, OH, MY GOD, OUTSIDE,
BECAUSE I SEE ALL OF THESE REPORTERS, LIKE, RUNNING TO THE
WATCH PARTY AND, LIKE, NOBODY WAS THERE. IT WAS OUR VOLUNTEERS AND
ORGANIZERS AND SUPPORTERS.>>Stephen: IF YOU SEE
SUPPORTERS RUNNING TOWARD YOU, IT COULD BE VERY GOOD OR VERY
BAD. ( LAUGHTER )
>>EXACTLY. I’M RACING THE REPORTERS INTO
THE BILL YARDS HALL. I RUN INSIDE, RUN IN TO THE TV
SET, I LOOK UP, I SEE THE MARGIN AND THE AMOUNT OF PRECINCTS
REPORTING AND THAT’S HOW I FOUND OUT WE WON THE ELECTION RIGHT
THERE IN THAT MOMENT.>>Stephen: NOW, YOU HAVE A
GOOD SHOT BECAUSE AS MAJORITY DEMOCRATIC DISTRICT, SO THERE’S
A GOOD SHOT YOU WILL GO TO CONGRESS, WHILE NOT GUARANTEED. YOU SAID BECAUSE YOU WERE IN
HOSPITALITY, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET PEOPLE TO BE ON BOARD
WITH YOUR AGENDA. WHAT IS YOUR AGENDA, BECAUSE YOU
DESCRIBE YOURSELF AS A DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST, AND THAT’S
NOT AN EASY TERM FOR A LOT OF AMERICANS. WHAT DOES SOCIALIST MEAN FOR
YOU?>>FOR ME, DEMOCRATIC SOCIALISM
IS ABOUT REALLY THE VALUE FOR ME IS THAT I BELIEVE THAT, IN A
MODERN, MORAL AND WEALTHY SOCIETY, NO PERSON IN AMERICA
SHOULD BE TOO POOR TO LIVE. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: SEEMS SIMPLE. EEMS PRETTY SIMPLE. SO WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME IS
HEALTH CARE AS A HUMAN RIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
IT MEANS EVERY CHILD, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE BORN SHOULD HAVE
ACCESS TO A COLLEGE OR TRADE SCHOOL EDUCATION IF THEY SO
CHOOSE. ( APPLAUSE )
I THINK NO PERSON SHOULD BE HOMELESS, IF WE CAN HAVE PUBLIC
STRUCTURES AND PUBLIC POLICIES TO ALLOW FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE
HOMES AND FOOD AND LEAD A DIGNIFIED LIFE IN THE UNITED
STATES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WELL, THOSE ALL SEEM LIKE VERY WORTHY GOALS, YOU
MAY GET A LITTLE RESISTANCE FROM DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE HE SAID IN
ONE OF HIS TWEETS, HE SAID, WOW, BIG TRUMP HATER CONGRESSMAN JOE
CROWLEY WHO MANY EXPECTED WAS GOING TO TAKE NANCY PELOSI’S
PLACE JUST LOST HIS PRIMARY ELECTION, IN OTHER WORDS HE’S
OUT, THAT’S A BIG ONE NOBODY SAW HAPPENING. PERHAPS HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
NICER AND MORE RESPECTFUL TO HIS PRESIDENT. SO I ASK YOU, ALEXANDRIA
OCASIO-CORTEZ –>>YEAH.>>Stephen: — ARE YOU GOING
TO BE NICER TO THE PRESIDENT?>>WELL, YOU KNOW, THE PRESIDENT
IS FROM QUEENS AND WITH ALL DUE RESPECT HALF OF MY CONSTITUENCY
IS FROM THE QUEENS. I DON’T THINK HE KNOWS HOW TO
DEAL WITH A GIRL FROM THE BRONX.>>Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH. ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ,
EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!

Couples Discuss What Dating Their Political Opposites Is Like [Politically Speaking]


-This is real. It ain’t coming
off. -I saw his tattoo when I got him
naked. -I’m a registered Republican
-And I’m a registered Democrat He talks politics sometimes with
my parents -Well, obviously I’m a huge
Donald Trump fan. He’s the closest thing we’re
ever going to have to a stand up
comedy as President. -Well you know, she’s here
legally that’s cool. That’s what
Trump says. It’s the illegal immigration,
that’s the problem. -Legallizing weed…death
penatly. No I’m for it. -You don’t believe in having any
regulations?
-No -Backgroud checks?
-Well for certain places -So anyone can have military
grade guns if they want to, if
they pass a backgroudn check? -I think you should be allowed
to have a gun. -When it comes to taxes for
people I think there should be a
flat tax. Like a coverage charge. Like one
price. -Men should not have the right
to legislate womens bodies. -I just said that for her. -Women should absolutely have
access to planned parenthood. And you can’t make a joke about
this becuase I go to planned
parenthood. -How is it essential to our sex
life? -Because it allows you
to..(beep) -I am for planned parenthood. -Some people have really bad
hurtful views and don’t anyone with hurtful views. – Would you marry me so I could
get papers? -Am I getting the back end on
this marriage?

John Lithgow Shares His Trump-Based Poems


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST
GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND TONY AWARD- WINNING ACTOR WHO
HAS STARRED IN EVERYTHING FROM “FOOTLOOSE” TO “THE CROWN.” PLEASE WELCOME JOHN LITHGOW! ♪ BABY, BABY
♪ BABY WHOA BABY ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )>>HOW WONDERFUL!>>Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, MY FRIEND.>>GREAT TO BE BACK.>>Stephen: YOU LOOK FIT AS A
FIDDLE.>>AS DO YOU.>>Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.>>AND THIS BAND!>>Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>YOU KNOW, I WAS– I WAS WATCHING THEM PLAY IN THE
DRESSING ROOM DURING YOUR PRESHOW. THEY ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN I
AM. YOU GOTTA GIVE THEM MORE TIME.>>Stephen: WE CAN LEAVE RIGHT
NOW AND LET THEM PLAY. FINE, FINE. I’M SO HAPPY YOU’RE HERE, AND
I’M ALSO SO HAPPY AND JUST THRILLED THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME
TONIGHT TO BE HERE, BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND THAT NOT ONLY ARE OW
BROADWAY RIGHT NOW IN THE SHOW “HILLARY AND CLINTON,” OKAY, AT
THE GOLDEN THEATRE. ( APPLAUSE )
BUT YOU LITERALLY ARE BETWEEN SHOWS.>>THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: YOU DID A MATINEE,
AND YOU’RE DOING A SHOW TONIGHT.>>THIS WAS MY SECOND STANDING
OVATION OUT OF THREE TODAY. ( APPLAUSE )
AND SO –>>Stephen: YOU GOT ONE MORE
COMING?>>ONE MORE TO COME.>>Stephen: NOW, AS A
THESPIAN, AS THE MAN OF THE STAGE, HOW DO YOU DRINK IN A
STANDING OVATION? BECAUSE IT’S SUCH AN OUTPOURING
OF APPRECIATION WHEN AN AUDIENCE– LIKE, DO YOU LEAN
AGAINST IT LIKE A STRONG WIND. HOW DO YOU– HOW DO YOU HANDLE
IT? IF YOU DON’T MIND, IF WE COULD–
IF WE COULD STIR UP A STANDING OVATION, WOULD YOU SHOW ME THE
PROPER WAY TO APPRECIATE A STANDING OVATION?>>SURE, GO AHEAD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>I SAY CULTIVATE HUMILITY. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GOING
TO NEED IT.>>Stephen: WELL, YOU– YOU’VE
DONE SO MANY SHOWS ON BROADWAY, WHAT DRAWS YOU BACK? WHAT’S THE THING THAT YOU LOVE
MOST ABOUT BEING ON THE STAGE HERE IN NEW YORK, SPECIFICALLY?>>WELL, I MEAN, IT’S JUST THE
THING THAT DRAWS ALL ACTORS TO THE THEATER. IT’S INTERACTING WITH THE
AUDIENCE, AND BEING A MEMBER OF– OF AN ENSEMBLE AND A
COMPANY THAT JUST WORKS AFFECT DAY IN AND DAY OUT. BUT MAINLY IT’S THE INTERACTION. YOU DO A MOVIE, AND BY THE TIME
YOU SEE IT, YOUR WHOLE MEMORY OF THE EXPERIENCE IS A YEAR OLD.>>Stephen: AND IT’S DONE IN
CHUNKS. YOU DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE THE RUN,
THE FEEL OF DOING THE ENTIRE IT’S ENTIRE STORY AT ONCE.>>I GUESS IN ESSENCE, YOU’RE
LIVING THROUGH THE STORY AT THE SAME TIME YOUR AUDIENCE IS
EXPEERNLSING IT. KIND OF LIKE WHAT YOU DO EVERY
NIGHT. THAT INTENSE INTERACTION.>>Stephen: RIGHT. SOMEBODY BEFORE ME ASKED IF I
WATCH THE SHOW WHEN I GET HOME. AND I SAID, “NO, I WAS JUST
THERE.” YOU AND I WENT THROUGH IT AT THE
SAME TIME.>>THAT’S TRUE.>>Stephen: AS I SAID BEFORE
IT’S AT THE CA GOLDEN THEATRE WI THE WONDERFUL LAURIE METCALF. IT’S CALLED “HILLARY AND
CLINTON.” AND YOU PLAY–
>>I PLAY BILL.>>Stephen: OKAY. AND WHAT’S THE PLAY ABOUT?>>IT’S SET– IT’S A PIECE OF
HISTORY. IT’S A POLITICAL PLAY BUT MUCH
MORE A MARRIAGE PLAY. IT’S SET AT A VERY INTERESTING
HISTORICAL MOMENT, THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY OF 2008, WHEN
HILLARY WAS RUNNING AGAINST BARACK OBAMA.>>Stephen: OH, AND SHE HAD
JUST LOST IN IOWA.>>SHE HAD JUST LOST IN IOWA. AND I WON’T TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE BECAUSE PROBABLY MOST PEOPLE
HAVE FORGOTTEN, BUT THAT’S PART OF THE– IT’S– IT’S A
MARVELOUSLY UNEXPECTED PLAY BY ONE OF OUR GREAT YOUNG
PLAYWRIGHTS, LUCAS HNATH. AND LAURIE AND I MAKE ABSOLUTELY
NO EFFORT TO IMITATE BILL AND HILLARY. WE ARE SORT OF A METAPHOR FOR
THEM.>>Stephen: REALLY? BECAUSE YOU’RE– YOU’RE– YOU
ARE A GREAT MIMIC.>>WELL, YES– THANK YOU. I TAKE THAT AS– I DON’T WANT
THAT COMPLIMENT TO PASS ME BY.>>Stephen: YOU’RE NOT AN
IMPRESSIONIST, BUT CERTAINLY YOU SEEMED LIKE CHURCHILL TO ME WHEN
YOU PLAYED CHURCHILL.>>BUT I WOULDN’T PRESUME TO
IMITATE BILL. SEE IS SO MUCH A PARENT OF OUR
LIVES, EVEN NOW. THIS IS A HISTORY PLAY, BUT IT’S
A VERY, VERY RECENT HISTORY THAT WE’RE DEALING WITH. AND LUCAS, IN THE STAGE
DIRECTIONS OF HIS PLAY, HE SAYS, “DON’T BE TEMPTED TO IMITATE
THESE PEOPLE. THINK ABOUT PLAYING THE ROLE OF
HENRYV, OR RICHARD III. HE THINKS ABOUT IT IN VERY
SHAKESPEAREAN TERMS. AND I COMPLETELY AGREE. THE MINUTE I START DOGGEDLY
IMITATING BILL CLINTON IT BECOMES A “IS THE NIGHT LIVE”
SKETCH. AND EVEN THOUGH IT’S– IT’S A–
IT’S A– THERE’S PLENTY OF COMEDY IN THE PLAY. THERE’S PLENTY OF LAUGHTER, IT’S
A VERY SERIOUSLY INTENDED PLAY.>>Stephen: AND YOU’RE ALSO,
TOMORROW NIGHT, “PET CEMETERY.” OPENS IN THEATERS. VERY SIMILAR.>>YES, VERY SIMILAR. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: AND YOU PLAY JUDD CRANDLE, THE HEAVY HERE.>>Y DON’T THINK HE’S THE HEAVY. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU PLAY A
VILLAIN, HE’S ALWAYS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER. YOU’RE ON HIS SIDE.>>Stephen: HOW SCARY IS IT? BECAUSE I SCARE EASILY.>>DON’T GO. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S TERRIFYING. I– NOR DO I– STEPHEN, I’M NOT
A– I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF TOLERANCE FOR HORROR. I DON’T GO TO HORROR. I’M NOT A HORROR FAN. I WENT TO SEE IT WITH MY WIFE IN
AN EMPTY THEATER AND IT SCARED THE (BLEEP) OUT OF ME.>>Stephen: AND YOU WERE
THERE.>>AND I KNEW ALL MY LINES. I KNEW WHAT WAS COMING. IT WAS CRAZY. I WAS TRULY SHAKEN. AND I GUESS THAT’S WHAT A LOT OF
PEOPLE LOVE TO SEE.>>Stephen: YEAH, AND I DON’T
KNOW WHY.>>BELIEVE ME, BELIEVE ME, WE
DELIVER.>>Stephen: OKAY. WELL, BROADWAY, THE THEATER.>>ALSO KNOW YOU’RE A MUSICIAN. BUT YOU’RE ALSO AN AUTHOR. AN AUTHOR. YOU’VE GOT A NEW BOOK COMING
OUT. THIS IS AN ILLUSTRATION ON THE
FRONT. IT’S CALLED “DUMPTY” AND YOU–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU’RE ALSO–
>>Stephen: THAT’S MY ILLUSTRATION.>>Stephen: YOU– YOU– YOU
PAINTED THIS COVER ILLUSTRATION RIGHT THERE.>>I PAINTED COVER THE, YES.>>Stephen: THAT’S VERY GOOD. AND IT’S “AN AGE OF TRUMP IN
VERSE.” YOU’RE ALSO A POET, WHICH–
>>WELL, WELL, I’M A DOGGEREL POET. I’M A SORT OF RECKLESS
RHYMESTER.>>Stephen: OKAY.>>BUT, YIT COMES OUT IN THE
FALL. IT COMES OUT THE END OF OCTOBER. BUT MY DEADLINE TO FINISH ALL
THE POEMS WAS YESTERDAY. AND I BY GOD, I DID IT. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WELL, “MAESTRO, I KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE THE TEXT
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, BUT WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO SHARE ANY OF
YOUR DOGGEREL POETRY WITH US?>>IN A WORD, YES. IT’S– THE POEMS ARE A KIND OF
CHRONICLE OF THE LAST CRAZY TWO YEARS, VERY MUCH THE WAY YOU
CHRONICLE THIS POLITICAL MOMENT YOURSELF. THEY’RE COMIC DOG OF, DOGGEREL,
SATIRICAL POEMS. AND I TRIED OVER THE LAST COUPLE
OF YEARS– ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: THERE YOU GO. THAT’S A PRO. YOU CALL THAT A PRO RIGHT THERE.>>HE TOLD ME TO BRING IT, SO I
BROUGHT IT. I TRIED FOR ABOUT THE LAST EIGHT
MONTHS, TO RESPOND IN REAL TIME, AS MUCH AS I COULD, TO WHAT WAS
GOING ON. SO THIS IS THE FIRST TWO
STANZAS. THE FIRST TWO OF FIVE STANZA OF
THE LAST POEM OF THE BOOK. AND IT’S BASED ON THE EVENTS OF
THE LAST 10 DAYS.>>Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, JOHN LITHGOW IN A DRAMATIC READING FROM “DUMPTY.”>>”DUMPTY” BY THE WAY IS MY
NAME FOR OUR PRESIDENT, AS IN TRUVMENTY DUMPTY, BUT THAT’S
ANOTHER POEM. IT’S CALLED– IT’S CALLED
“AFTERWARD.” THE REPORT WAS AT HAND, AND
DUMPTY WAS MANIC AWASH IN A FLOOD OF DISTEMPER
AND PANIC. AT LUSH MAR-A-LAGO, HE BRACED
FOR BOB MUELLER, HIS RUTHL RUTHL JARVIER. WHEN FROM DISTANT D.M. CAME A
CALL FROM BILL BARR, HISICA KNIFING A.G.
DUMPTY LURCHED FROM HIS BED ARE A GROAN AND PICKED UP
THE PHONE. “GOOD NEWS!”
BARR EXPLAINED. WE’RE HOME FREE. IT’S A WASH. THE REPORT IS A BIG NOTHING. IT’S EASY TO QUASH. THUS BEGAN BARR’S CAMPAIGN TO
COVERTLY IMPEELED IT, SINCE HE, ONLY HE, WAS ENTITLED TO READ
IT. IN FACT HE JUST GAVE IT A
CURSORY GLANCE, BUT THAT HADN’T THWARTED HIS VICTORY DANCE, NOR
FORESTALLED HIS APPALLING MISREPRESENTATION PROCLAIMING
THE POTUS’ EXONERATION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: “HILLARY AND CLINTON” IS AT THE GOLDEN
THEATER ON BROADWAY. JOHN LITHGOW, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GEORGIA
DEMOCRAT STACEY ABRAMS.