Ice T Addresses Why He Never Ate a Bagel Before Law & Order: SVU


-Before we get into
“SVU” stuff — congrats and everything — I want to talk about
Ice-T quickly. I don’t know
if you heard this, but there was a big… covfefe on Twitter about you
never having a bagel before. Never…
-Yeah, true. -You’ve never eaten a bagel? -I had never eaten a bagel. I’ve eaten one
since then. But what happened was,
on the show, they wanted me
to eat a bagel. I said,
“I don’t eat bagels.” So… [ Laughter ] But it was in the script. So, you know,
I just did it. -Yeah.
-So, then, somebody… But I acted like I ate it.
I didn’t eat it. So, then, on Twitter,
somebody goes, “Why that kind of bagel?” I said, “Because it was
in the script.” Then, they said,
“What’s your favorite?” And I said,
“I’ve never had a bagel.” And then, everybody lost
their Goddamn mind. [ Laughter ] And then, I said,
“I’ve never had coffee, either.” So, I don’t know why that’s
so hard for people to believe. -…two weird things.
One is that you’ve never had a bagel bef–
-Why? Why? Look. Look.
I’m from South Central. Could you imagine Snoop singing,
“Rolling down the street smoking indo,
eating some lox and bagels”? [ Laughter ] It don’t work.
-You never know. -That’s not how it
happened for me. It didn’t happen
like that for me. -I understand. But through your life,
you’ve been on sets. I’m assuming there’s food
on the sets. -There’s a lot of stuff
I won’t eat on the set. I just never ate one.
So, I ate one the other day. I did an actual commercial
for a dating site called “Coffee Meets Bagel,”
or something. And — and —
and basically, I ate one. And it tasted like —
one bite, it felt like I ate
a loaf of bread. [ Laughter ] Why would I eat
an unsweetened doughnut? I’m okay with it.
Coffee’s cool. I’m good.
I like jelly doughnuts. Let’s keep it moving. [ Laughter ] -It’s all wrapped up. -I know,
but I’m interested in this. What’s your thought
on coffee? Just so we don’t have to ever
talk about it again,
what was your thoughts — -Black coffee —
why would someone do that to themselves? Okay? [ Laughter ] They put some cream.
They put a little sugar in it. I got it. It’s cool. I prefer tea —
not because my name is Ice-T. I just prefer tea. [ Laughter ] Black people like sweet stuff,
just in case you didn’t know. We don’t drink unsweetened tea,
stuff like that. White people do that.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] Black people like
sweet things. -Yeah, but —
-Can I live? -Yes. You can definitely live.
-Can I live? -I don’t know why everyone
freaked out, either, but just, it sounded
very interesting. -Okay, talk to Mariska
about that other stuff. -Uh… Mariska… you’ve had a bagel before?
No, I’m just kidding. -I have to say — I couldn’t
believe that anybody cared. I didn’t understand why people
cared if Ice had a bagel or not. -It’s just fun.
-Is it? -It’s fun. -Have you ever had a sardine?
-Yeah. -I love sardines.
-Some people — My wife had never eaten
a cheeseburger till she was 31. And then, I go,
“‘Cause she was a vegetarian.” And they go,
“Oh, I understand.” [ Laughter ] Some old dumb — listen. Eat what you want to eat. -Oh, my gosh.
-I’ve eaten a lot of things. -I don’t think
you’re over it yet. [ Laughter ] -We brought a therapist
on to the show. -[ Mumbles ] Let’s talk about you guys,
first of all. What was your first impression
of Ice-T when you first met him? -Well, I was so nervous
to meet Ice-T, ’cause he was a rapper.
He was OG. He was, like, the man.
He was the rapper. And so — I didn’t even know
what OG meant back in the day. [ Laughter ] But I was excited about it. “The og is coming.
The og is coming.” -“The og.”
You don’t pronounce it — -It took you guys minutes.
-You don’t pronounce it “og.” -How do you mean?
How you mean? I’m not following. -You don’t pronounce “the og.” So, he came on the show, and
he was the sweetest, kindest, most open — we call him
“the philosopher” on the show. And it was… such a joy,
and it’s been for 20 years, and an education, for me.
-Yeah. -He’s taught me about
so many things, and… -Good for you.
-Yeah. Really. I mean, really.
-20 years. -We’re very fortunate,
you know, to be on a show that, you know,
everyone likes each other. Everyone gets along. 20 years is a long time,
and you know, it’s… a very cool
work environment. Mariska’s the best. -Do you feel that way —
’cause at first, did you think you were gonna
work on the show for 20 years? -I came on for 4 episodes.
-Wow. -Yeah. And then, they —
then, they kiss-kick you. They go,
“Well, we don’t know if you’re working out
with Belzer.” You know,
“We don’t know.” And then, they go,
“But we’d like you to stay.” And I’m like, “Well, you try
getting along with Belzer in four episodes.”
You know? [ Laughter ] And so, then,
they asked me to stay. And I’ve been there,
and I’m happy, and I’m not going nowhere
till she’s gone. -We’re sticking together.
-You’ve got to stick together. -We’re sticking together. -You work great —
you work well together. Why stop it?
-We do. It’s been so — It’s just been such a crazy
surprise journey and gift. -You’re one season away —
one year away — from being the longest
running drama in the history
of television. -Yeah.
-In history. [ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah.
-I mean, if… If you guys do that,
how cool will that be? -So cool. Yeah. -It’s cool. -Whoa.
[ Stammers ] Oh, it’s gonna be
that cool. [ Cheers and applause ] You’ve never had a bagel,
but you’ve been wearing a reverseable jacket
the whole time. That is cool, right there.
Come on. It’s gonna be great,
and I just… Thank you for all
the entertainment, and all the cool things.
We love you guys.

Maisie Williams Accidentally Drops a Major Spoiler in Game of Thrones’ Final Season


-Everyone’s probably asking you the same questions
about “Game of Thrones” and it’s the final season.
but I was gonna ask you, do you have a top five maybe iconic moments
of your character, of Arya’s moments on the show? -I do.
I mean, there are so many. But in terms of things
that have really defined her, I think number one would be
Ned’s beheading in season 1. That was what
spiraled her whole arc. -Yes. -And then she was with the Hound
for a long time. I think there was a line in
maybe season three where she was like, “One day,
I’m gonna stick a knife through your eye
and out the back of your skull.” That was, like,
a pretty defining moment when you realized how —
[ Laughter ] how messed up in the head
that she’d become. -Yeah.
-And in season five, I think she threw away
her original costume. And I was in that costume for
like four years or something. So, she threw that
into the water, and it was
a really emotional moment. I guess last season,
she reunited with Sansa again, so that was a pretty big moment. And then they both united
and killed Littlefinger, and that’s pretty —
-That’s like kind of — yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
That’s not bad. This is the final —
the final season. Everyone’s been waiting. Can you tell me anything? Are you allowed
to talk about anything? -I’ve decided to just keep
a tight lip on everything. HBO have sent out a lot of memos
recently about just say nothing. -Yeah.
-So there’s really nothing that I can say.
They would absolutely kill me. -You couldn’t give —
You couldn’t give one little spoiler,
one little hint of a a little —
a crumb is all I ask. [ Laughter ] Milady. Just a crumb
is all I’m asking for. [ Laughter ] -Um…I don’t know. Like, during shooting,
the final days were really, like, emotional, saying goodbye
to all of the cast. Because when I found out that
Arya died in the second episode, I was —
[ Audience gasps, laughs ] -What? Are you kidding me? That’s a spoiler. [ Laughter ] -Is this live?
-No. -We can edit that out.
-Are you serious? -Yeah. -Dude, yeah, totally. -They’re still
gonna tweet about it. -No. Don’t worry about it.
Are you serious? It’s fine.
-I’m really sorry. -No, don’t worry about it.
No, it’s fine. -Okay.
-We can edit it, right? Yeah.
We can edit it out. Don’t worry about it.
-Okay. -Yeah.
Don’t worry about it. No one’s gonna —
It’s fine. It’s cool.
Let’s just start — Can we do applause,
and I’ll just go from the applause
and go into it again? [ Cheers and applause ] Let’s talk about, uh… Let’s talk about the final — Let’s talk about
the final season. -I’m… -Um… Is she okay? Is she okay? We’ll just go… -April Fools! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -You were so good!
Oh, my gosh! We got you guys so bad! Maisie Williams, everybody!

Jimmy Recaps Night Two of Second Democratic Debate


-You guys,
earlier tonight on NBC, we had the first
NFL preseason game between the Broncos
and the Falcons. So if you enjoy watching people
hit each other, you probably loved
last night’s debate. That’s right.
Everyone went after Joe Biden at the Democratic debate,
and he knew it was coming. Did you see what he said to
Kamala Harris before it started? Watch this. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi, Joe. -Go easy on me, kid. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] That might be a sign
you’re too old to be President when you call a 54-year-old
a kid. He’s like, “Yeah.” A lot of people were talking
about Biden’s age ’cause there was also
an awkward moment when he confused
his campaign website with a text message. Listen to this. -If you agree with me,
go to Joe 3-0-3-3-0 and help me in this fight. [ Laughter ] -He… Bernie Sanders was watching
at home going, “Bingo. I got 0-33. 0-33! Bingo! I got bingo!” He doesn’t know what he’s doing. [ Applause ] Last night wasn’t the first time Biden’s had trouble
with giving out this number. Here he is at a rally
back in May. -Send a text
to the words “united” to the number 3-0-3-3-0 —
3-0-3-3-0. Or 3-0-3-3-3-0. Or “B-O-O.”
Anyway, you got it. [ Laughter ] -On the next debate, he’ll be
telling people to text C-3PO. It’s like, just stop talking. But back to last night, while
all his opponents attacked him, Biden tried to fight back. He went after Cory Booker’s
time as mayor, but that sort of backfired. Check out what Booker said. -Mr. Vice President, there’s
a saying in my community — “You’re dipping into
the Kool-Aid, and you don’t even
know the flavor.” [ Audience “Ooh”s ] -Everyone saw that and went,
“Oh, no.” And Biden was like… [ Laughter ] Appreciate that.
Thank you, Roots. Oh, no! It’s a Kool-Aid joke. [ Laughter ] -‘Cause you would say
“oh, yeah,” right? He said, “Oh, no,” right? -Oh, I don’t know.
I’ve never seen the commercial. -Oh, really? -Well, even though
he’s been struggling, Biden is still the front-runner
by almost 20 points. I guess Democrats want to
fight fire with fire. They’re like, “The only way
to stop a guy in his 70s
who can’t speak is with a guy in his 70s
who can’t speak.” Hey, guys, listen to this. A recent study found
that today’s students think they learn more
from YouTube than they do from textbooks. Sounds odd, but you can
actually learn a lot from the same lessons you’d find
in a text book on YouTube. I’ll show you what I mean. For instance,
if you’re studying sociology, a textbook will tell you that
making a gender-reveal video is a fun activity
for new parents. But YouTube
will just show you this. -Three, two, one! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] -Next, if you’re studying
mixology, a textbook will tell you champagne is a sparkling wine
for sophisticated celebrations. But YouTube will just
show you this. -[ Speaking
in foreign language ] -Oh! [ Glass shatters ] -And finally, if you’re studying
architecture, a textbook will tell you that the shape of each structure
can hold a powerful message. But YouTube will just
show you this. -This makes a perfect circle. -Oh, that’s small.
-Oh, wow. -Wow! Look at that. -Where do you get
all this stuff? -These you can buy,
and those ones I make. -Huh. How cool is that? -Tools in your hand or…?
-What did I just make there? -Hold on. Oh, my gosh. [ Cheers and applause ] -Wow! That was like a gender-reveal
party right there. -And finally,
this is interesting. A new study found that the moon
is actually 100 million years older
than we thought. You could tell
the moon is a lot older ’cause it ended the night
by telling supporters to visit its website,
moon 3-0-3-3-0.

Wheel of Impressions with Nick Kroll


-All right, here’s how it works. I’m going to press
this button here, which activates
the impression generator. It will land
on one random celebrity who we can do an impression of
and one random topic. And so whoever’s turn it is,
they have to do an impression of that celebrity
talking about that topic. Since you’re my guest,
my first guest, you go first. -Thank you.
-You’re welcome. Press the button,
and the game begins. ♪♪ Ooh, Jason Statham.
-Jason. [ Laughter ] -Talking about troll dolls.
-Okay. -I didn’t know
you did a Jason Statham. -I don’t know if I do.
Okay. -All right.
-Okay. -Jason talking about
troll dolls. -All right.
[ Clears throat ] [ British accent ]
“Here’s the ‘troof.'” [ Laughter ] “Nothing quite pisses me off
like those little troll dolls.” [ Laughter ] “I just rip off
their [bleep] heads.” [ Laughter ] “I can say [bleep]
because I’m from the U.K.” [ Laughter ] “You can say that.
That’s right, in the U.K., where I was
a competitive-level diver.” [ Laughter ] “It’s true. I was a competitive diver.
Google it. Or as we say in the U.K.,
Ask Jeeves.” [ Laughter ] “Anyway…”
-Oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ]
-“Anyway, back to the dolls. I still look better
than them naked, see?” -Oh, my God.
That’s insane. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my goodness!
That is phenomenal! -Thank you.
-That was phenomenal. All right, here we go.
This is my turn. Ask Jeeves…
-Ask Jeeves. All right.
-Regis. [ Laughter ] Regis Philbin talking about
“Hot Girl Summer.” Okay.
All right. “All right. Let me —
Let me tell you something. [ Laughter ] I am missing
“Hot Girl Summer” already. It is fall. I’m counting down the days when
I can sip rosé with my squad… [ Laughter ] …and play our favorite bops.
Like Lizzo.” -Yeah, sure.
-“For example, I just took a DNA test.”
-Oh, yeah? -“And it turns out
I’m 100% that bitch!” [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ “100%!”
-100%. -All right, Nick.
You’re up. -Okay, I’m gonna press
this real button. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Okay.
-Oh, Pitbull. -Pitbull. -It is real, yes.
Pitbull. -Pitbull, flu shots. -Talking about flu shots.
-Okay. -Yeah, I don’t know
if I know how Pitbull talks. -Okay — okay. “Aha!”
[ Laughter ] “Miami Beach, Mr. 305,
coming at you to say you got to get
your flu shots, man!” [ Laughter ] Germs are going worldwide,
baby.” [ Laughter and applause ] -Oh, my God. -“It won’t hurt at all.
It just stings for a second.” That’s one, two, three, four.” Uno, dos, tres, cuatro! ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. Phenomenal! All right,
we have time for one more, and it is my turn.
Here we go. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Okay.
Seinfeld, sure. Surprise party. Jerry Seinfeld
talking about surprise parties. -Okay.
-“Okay, okay. What’s with all the secrecy?”
[ Laughter ] “I come to an empty apartment, which is exactly
what I wanted for my birthday. But I turn the lights on,
and all of sudden, “Surprise!” The only surprise is, you have to make small talk
for four hours now.” [ Laughter ] -“Oh, get it together, Jerry!” [ Laughter and applause ] -“George! George, what are you doing here,
George?” -“That’s right. I put this
party together, Jerry. I put it together.
I schemed it together.” -“You shouldn’t scheme.
No one should scheme.” -“Oh, I schemed, Jerry!”
[ Laughter ] “George is getting upset!” ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -That’s a good George.
-It’s a little bit — It’s a little… -You helped me
with my impression! That’s all the time we have
for “Wheel of Impressions.”

Jimmy Tries Out Republican Excuse Generator


-You guys, I want to
say congrats to the
New York Yankees, who are moving on
to the American League
Championship Series. [ Cheers and applause ] And congrats to the Mets, who are moving on to binge-watch
season 8 of “Friends.” That’s fantastic. Yeah, you could tell the Yankees
were feeling good when they popped champagne,
lit cigars, and it was only
the second inning. That’s when I knew
something was up. Let’s get to some news. Today, the White House
stopped an important ambassador from testifying. Yep, Trump told his staff
to do whatever it takes to stop anyone
from saying anything that could endanger
his presidency. And his staff was like, “Okay,”
and duct taped his mouth shut. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] “Can’t stop my Twitter hands.” “Get his hands, too!
Get his thumbs! Tape his thumbs.
He has Twitter thumbs.” “Tweet!”
That’s right. The White House blocked our
E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland from testifying
about the Ukraine scandal. Because nothing says we’ve got
nothing to hide like saying, “We got to hide Gordon.” Can we see what Gordon Sondland
looks like? Yeah. Looks like an accountant
for the Addams family. [ Laughter ] He looks like a guy
who rents a Ferrari
for his high school reunion. You know that guy? He looks like a lawyer
who claims he only collects
money ifyouget paid. You know? [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] “And I only take money
if you get paid.” Weak figure. Apparently, the Ambassador has a bunch of text messages
about Ukraine, but the State Department
won’t give them to Congress. When she heard that,
Hillary Clinton was like, “Russia, if you’re listen,
I hope you’re able to find the texts
on the Ambassador’s phone.” Oh, and get this — I heard
that when the whistle-blower testifies before Congress, they might disguise
his appearance and his voice, which means there’s
a good chance the President is about to be brought down
by guy dressed as a Minion. [ Laughter ] “Banana!” And I read that, since the
impeachment inquiry began, White House officials
have been dodging interviews about the Ukraine scandal. Apparently, they even got
their own excuse generator to come up with reasons
why they can’t talk. I’ll show you how it works. For example, when they asked
Attorney General William Barr for an interview,
he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”I would, but I’m working
as a John Goodman impersonator.” -Oh. Well… [ Applause ] -Next, when they asked
Senator Rand Paul, he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”I can’t move the appointment
for my perm.” -Makes sense. -You got to keep it tight.
-Yeah. -Got to keep it tight!
Tight! Tight!
-Tight! -Next, when they asked
Housing Secretary Ben Carson, he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”I’m busy practicing for
‘Dancing with the Stars.'” -Oh, well, yeah.
-That’s going to be good. -Valid excuse. -And, finally,
when they asked Rudy Giuliani — Look at that picture.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God! -When they asked Rudy Giuliani
for an interview, he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”Sorry, I’m having
a colonoscopy as we speak.” Wow! -“As we speak.” -Wow. -Something’s up. -Now, today, Trump had lunch
with Vice President Mike Pence. You can tell Trump’s
paranoid about leaks because, before the meeting,
he frisked Pence to see if he was wearing a wire. He’s like “Wow, you’re like
a Ken doll everywhere.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] “Mother? Mother, get in here.” Did you guys see this? China is refusing
to broadcast NBA games after the Houston Rockets’ GM
spoke out in support
of Hong Kong’s protesters. It’s a bad situation
’cause the NBA needs China to grow their fan base
and to make their shoes. -Yeah. [ Audience groans ] -It’s true, it’s true. It’s true.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-Let’s face facts. -Hey, listen to this. To save taxpayer money,
the king of Sweden just took away royal status
from five of his grandkids. For us, it’s a news story. For Eric and Don Jr.,
it’s a preview. Get this — a British man
became the first person to fly around the world
in a gyrocopter. Yep. When asked to comment
on his flight in a gyrocopter, he said, “Actually,
it’s pronounced yeero-copter. [ Laughter ] Probably… -Didn’t know that. -Probably didn’t know that.
A little over your head. So, no big deal. -Needs to spin. -It’s just, my family they’ve
always flown in yeero-copters. That’s what you call it. So…no big deal. -Yeah. -And finally, a French town
made a world record setting fruit salad that weighed
almost 23,000 pounds. When they heard about wasting
23,000 pounds of fruit, Edible Arrangements was like,
“Stay in your lane, girl.” We have a great show.

Jimmy and The Roots’ Tariq Trotter Rap a Recap of the Democratic Debate


-Tonight was the second
Democratic debate, or, as nine candidates
called it, “Operation Destroy Joe Biden.” Everybody went after Biden,
but he said, with 10 people onstage,
it was less of a debate and more of like
a lightning round Or, in Bernie Sanders’ case,
a struck-by-lightning round. Hey, you got to respect
a guy who combs his hair with a balloon. You know what I’m saying? Then he floats away like
the old man from “Up.” It’s amazing. But it was a big night,
and, in the end, a lot of people thought Kamala Harris
won the be debate. She had what was probably —
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. She had what was probably
the line of the night. At one point, all the candidates
were talking over each other, and that’s when she stepped in
and dropped the hammer. Watch this. -Part of the issue of —
Hey, guys, you know what? America does not want to
witness a food fight. They want to
know how we’re going to put food on their table. -Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ] She was so good,
Trump endorsed Biden so that he wouldn’t
have to face her. It’s like, “Yeah, he’s great.” Tonight, we got to see Bernie
and Biden onstage together. Yeah, here they are right there.
Yeah. It looks like they’re debating
Viagra versus Cialis. Look, I’m not saying those two
are old, but their podiums were the only ones with tennis
balls the bottom. But get this — there was
a 40-year age difference between tonight’s candidates,
ranging from 37 to 77. With Pete Buttigieg next to
Biden, it looked like Take Your Kid to Work Day. Speaking of Buttigieg,
he said Democrats need to move the party forward
and claimed his opponents want to return to the 1990s. Hey, Pete, the top movies
right now are “Toy Story,” “Men in Black,”
and “Aladdin.” We’re already back in the ’90s. Sorry to say.
[ Cheers and applause ] Well, in addition to
the front-runners, we also got to know
some of the underdogs, and, early on, a lot of people
noticed that one of them, Andrew Yang,
wasn’t wearing a tie. Take a look at this. Yeah. When he realized you
can go casual, Biden tried to take off
his pants, and you go, “No, hey,
you can’t do that.” Finally, you guys,
so much happened during the two nights of the debate,
it’s hard to cover it all. so I was thinking we
could ask Tariq for a debate rap recap. I mean…
[ Cheers and applause ] I know the second debate just
ended 30 minutes ago, but, Tariq,
what do you think, bud? -I think we could pull that off.
-All right. Let’s do this. Roots, hit it.
♪♪ ♪ They were, unh ♪
♪ They were, unh ♪ ♪ They were short on time ♪ ♪ 60 to respond
before they pass the baton ♪ ♪ Before the record flies by
in a blink ♪ ♪ But in Miami,
all the views were stunning ♪ ♪ Everyone you know was there, ’cause everyone you know
was running ♪ ♪ The first night, Liz Warren
came out feelin’ big ♪ ♪ Dunkin’ on those candidates
like Zion in a wig ♪ ♪ Cory Booker threw Shaft
side-eye ♪ ♪ I thought she spoke faster ♪ ♪ With people on the stage like
a Netflix password ♪ ♪ Chuck Todd was focused ♪ ♪ He avoided a snafu ♪ ♪ Till it sounded like a
microphone turned on in the bathroom ♪ ♪ Tonight, the moderators
pretty much were irrelevant ♪ ♪ ‘Cause they were
getting trampled like the Dems were elephants ♪ ♪ Kamala spoke about Trump ♪ ♪ She asked if he pays enough ♪ ♪ And smoked him out like she
was in her blazer, later blazin’ up ♪ ♪ Bernie Sanders said he’s
pollin’ better Donald is ♪ ♪ Then he yelled about it as if
he was at the audiologist ♪ ♪ Yang kept it cool ♪ ♪ Mayor Pete kept it brainy ♪ ♪ Joe’s night was mainly rainy ♪ ♪ Hey, what’s up with
John Delaney? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Elizabeth Warren
came ready for war ♪ ♪ And the Beto O’Rourke camp is,
“Sí, señor” ♪ ♪ And foreign policy was
on their minds ♪ ♪ All the time ♪ ♪ Are we in a case
of blind leading blind? ♪ ♪ Who will keep the people tight
and safe at night? ♪ ♪ Maybe Biden’s teeth will be
the guiding light ♪ ♪ Food fights, zinger ♪ ♪ Rachel put ’em through
the ringer ♪ ♪ Humdinger ♪ ♪ Should they take another swing
or call it quits? ♪ ♪ I can do this all day
and might slip ♪ ♪ Might lose a grip ♪ ♪ Might make
a blooper disappear quick like I’m Hickenlooper with the
with the super-bang ♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪

Third Democratic Primary Debate Set for Three Hours


-You guys,
coming into work today, I saw a bunch of paparazzi
outside, and I thought, “Well, you’ve still got it,
Jimmy.” And then I remembered my guest
tonight is Kim Kardashian West. So I go, “Okay, well…”
[ Cheers and applause ] I actually
ran into Kim backstage and asked if she would post a
picture of us on her Instagram. And she was like, “No problem.
That’ll be $2 million.” [ Laughter ] Let’s get to some news here. Tomorrow night is the third
Democratic debate on ABC. So, it’ll be “Jeopardy!”
and “Wheel of Fortune,” followed by a debate
full of people who watch “Jeopardy!”
and “Wheel of Fortune.” [ Laughter ] And tomorrow’s debate on ABC is scheduled
to be three hours long. [ Cheers ] Americans are like,
“Um, the only thing we’ll watch for three hours on ABC
is ‘The Bachelor’, okay?” [ Cheers and applause ] “We’ll watch four hours
of that one.” Right now, the candidates are
making their way to the debate, and I saw that Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg
were on the same flight. Look at this photo. Yeah.
[ Laughter ] It got weird when Bill de Blasio
walked by, like, “Peanuts? Headphones?”
[ Laughter ] Should be an interesting night,
though. The debate will actually feature
the top 10 Democrats, but there’s still
so many candidates, it could be hard to keep track.
-Uh, not really. It’s Biden, Booker, Buttigieg,
Castro, Harris, Klobuchar, O’Rourke, Sanders, Warren,
and Yang. -Wow. [ Cheers and applause ] Not everyone has the list
memorized like you, Tariq, so… -[ Laughing ] It’s not a matter
of memorizing, Jimmy. It’s a matter
of staying informed. It’s Biden, Booker, Buttigieg,
Castro, Harris, Klobuchar, O’Rourke, Sanders, Warren,
and Yang. [ Cheers ]
-Good one, guys. You both memorized the list
to make me look bad, but your average person
doesn’t know the whole list. And watch this. Miss, in the audience, can you name everyone
running for president? -Me?
-Yes, you. -Oh, God. I mean, uh, Biden and
Bernie and Elizabeth Warren? -[ Laughs ] See?
Told you guys. It’s not that easy.
-Well, there’s also Booker, Buttigieg, Castro, Harris,
Klobuchar, O’Rourke, and Yang. And de Blasio, Bullock, Bennet,
Gabbard, Messam, and Ryan are still running as well as Williamson, Steyer,
Sestak, Delaney, and three Republicans
named Walsh, Sanford, and Weld. [ Cheers and applause ] -Impressive. That’s impressive. But you’re obviously
an audience plant. -Oh, I-I’m not a plant.
-Well — -But he is. [ Laughter ] -Hey, Jimmy.
Yeah, the candidates are Biden, Booker, Buttigieg, Castro,
Harris, Klobuchar, O’Rourke… – All right, all right.
That’s enough! Let’s just move on!
Let’s move on. The plant knows everything.
Stop. Move on. [ Applause ] ‘Course, the other big story
is President Trump firing National Security Adviser
John Bolton. Some are saying that part of
the reason Trump fired Bolton is because
he never liked his mustache. [ Laughter ] I guess whatever animal
is on Bolton’s lip didn’t get along with whatever
animal is on Trump’s head. [ Laughter ]
[ Growling ] Actually, today, John Bolton’s
resignation letter was posted online.
Look at this. Yeah. I might be with Trump
on this one. Anyone who
folds a letter lengthwise should’ve been fired
a long time ago. Who does that? Speaking of Trump,
yesterday he gave a speech, but I saw that he had a little
trouble with the word “deserve.” Take a look at this. -You have never stopped working
to improve this country and you “deser” a government… [ Laughter ] -That didn’t sound
anything like “deserve.” -Yeah. -Maybe it would it help
if we slowed it down. Dave, could we slow it down
and see what that sounds like? -Improve this country
and you “deser” a government… [ Laughter ] -See, that made it worse. Maybe if we slowed it down
even more. -[ Slowly ]
“Deser” a government… -No, I can’t —
I can’t hear it. Oh, I have an idea. What if we played the clip
in reverse? -[ Audio in reverse ]
…deserve… -He said it!
Hey, he said it! He said it in reverse!
[ Cheers and applause ]

Trevor Noah Turns Donald Trump’s Words into a Bad Reggae Song


-You’re doing such a great job
on the show. -Thank you so much, man.
Thank you. -But it is a lot of work,
though, right? I mean, it’s packed.
Do you have any time off? -Yeah, you know, I feel like you
make the time off. Like, we’ve had to
readjust our lives now according to the Trump news
cycle, I feel like, as people. So we just go, like — we know
it’s, like, morning wake — like, you don’t have
a cock crowing. You have the tweet crowing.
Like, you know? That’s how we wake up.
[ Laughter ] And then we just
adjust our lives. We go, what’s gonna happen,
what’s gonna happen, what’s gonna happen, what’s
gonna happen, and then we chill. -But do you ever get
any vacation or anything? -I do, I do. Like, I took
a break now in December. I actually went to Bali. Have you ever been?
-No. -Oh, it’s amazing.
[ Cheers ] Oh, yeah, if you get a chance —
-Really? -You should go.
Like, Bali was phenomenal. A lot of people suggested it.
I will say this, though. I feel like there should be
a TripAdvisor specifically for
people of color. No, ’cause white people like
different things on vacations than everybody else, right?
[ Laughter ] Like — no,
’cause white people — like white people always
give you suggestions of things that you wouldn’t want
to do as a person of color. [ Laughter ]
Like — like adventure sports, is, like, a very white thing. Like, they’d be like, “I want to
be like, bungee jumping. I want to do something — I want
to feel like life is dangerous.” And as a black person,
you’re like, “That’s life.” [ Laughter ] So I don’t want to go
and do those things. Do you know what I mean? Getting pulled over by the cops
is bungee jumping. I’m fine.
[ Laughter ] I just want to relax
when I go on a vacation. -You live that.
-People are like, “You don’t want to go camping?”
That was my life growing up. No running water,
no food when I — no, I don’t want to go camping.
[ Laughter ] I don’t want to go back home. That’s like —
I’ve worked hard now. I want to enjoy myself. So, like, Bali —
that was the trick. People would be like, “Trevor,
you got to go to Bali.” I was like,
“What’s gonna happen in Bali?” “Like, it’s so unique.”
[ Laughter ] And now I’ve learned,
when white people say unique, they mean poor. But they don’t tell you that.
-No. -Right, like it’s —
so I went to Bali. And I was like, “Oh, this is
gonna be amazing.” And it is.
Like, there’s temples, there’s culture,
the food is amazing. The people are the friendliest
you’ll ever meet. But like, what I didn’t know
was, like, half of the trip
was just gonna be us seeing people who don’t
have the best means. So, like, we go into, like,
a person’s house — and I thought
it was like a temple. And then we talk in,
and it’s just like — like someone’s —
but “house” is a strong word. It’s like a one room — like it’s a kitchen, bedroom,
dining room. Like a New York apartment-type
thing, right? [ Laughter ] And then we’re just standing
in the living room. People are like, “Oh, my God.
Look at how they live.” [ Laughter ]
“Oh, my God. I appreciate my life so much
more right now.” [ Laughter ]
“Can I take a selfie with you?” And I’m just standing
in the corner. -Oh, my gosh.
“Can I take a selfie with you?” -I was like, “Never again.”
But Bali’s amazing. Go there. Just don’t to go
people’s houses. Just don’t do that part.
-No, don’t do it. But you’re also doing — you’re also on the road
doing stand-up when you have any,
like, weekends off. -Oh, I loved it, yeah. -You’re off to the West coast
right now. -Yeah, like after this
I fly to L.A., doing shows in Santa Barbara
and then I do shows in L.A., and then I come back,
we do “The Daily Show.” -How do you keep the energy up,
though? I mean, I would —
I would be exhausted. -Oh, but it helps when
you don’t have a family, Jimmy. [ Laughter ]
-I didn’t even think about that. -I’m alone. I travel the world
by my lonesome. -Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -No, but you know what?
I get the energy from stand-up. And genuinely,
I love seeing America. Like, I love going — ’cause I
don’t just go coast to coast. I’ll go everywhere, like,
Erie, Pennsylvania. I was in Cleveland recently,
Pittsburgh. [ Cheers ]
I was in — yeah. I just — I just go around
to Middle America. I just want to see everything,
every city. -Do you have any favorite places
you like to perform? -I’m try — Cleveland’s
one of my favorites. [ Cheers ]
Gen– yeah. Just like, I feel like Cleveland
has just like — they’re like, “We’ve suffered
through everything.” [ Laughter ] There is like a vibe
in Cleveland where I go. Like, when I tell them about
Africa, they’re like, “That’s just like here, Trevor!” [ Laughter ]
It’s fun. It’s fun.
-Cleveland? -Yeah, we connect.
I don’t know. We connect. And now there’s a renaissance
in Cleveland. Things are getting better.
It’s a beautiful place. Great people.
-Yeah. You said that you enjoy
the Southern accent. -I do.
-Yeah, you do. -I do traveling down South.
You know what it is? So, like, my mom is Xhosa,
right? So I grew up in a Xhosa family. And Xhosa is very musical. -Yeah.
-It has like a bounce to it. And then I find, like, the
Southern accent also has — it’s like,
it’s got a cool thing. It sounds like people are
playing a banjo in their mouths. [ Laughter ]
It’s beautiful. It’s like, everything — when they speak really fast
to each other — like, I was in Kentucky
doing shows. And I was speaking to
some people, and I was like, “Oh, what should I do
in Kentucky?” And the people were like —
[ Babbling in Southern accent ] [ Laughter ] And it’s fun, like —
what’s beautiful is — Like, if you have a musical ear, if they’re, like,
having an argument, it sounds like
a Mumford & Sons concert. Like, everyone is
just going off. And you’re just listening
to people argue. It’s so much fun. [ Both babbling
in Southern accents ] It’s beautiful, you see?
-It’s actually gorgeous. -It’s beautiful.
-That’s hilarious. Oh, my gosh.
[ Laughter ] How do you like hosting
“The Daily Show”? Do you enjoy it?
-I love it, man. I love every moment.
-You’re crushing it, buddy. You’re doing a great job.
-Thank you so much, man. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ] I love it so much.
-I love watching it. You got a great team over there,
too. -Yeah, man, I’m lucky that
I inherited great people from Jon Stewart, and I — you know, I was never meant for
a job like this in my world. Every day’s a dream for me. I’m appreciative. I’m happy. Even Trump I can enjoy
on certain days. Like even —
I know it sounds crazy. But even Trump on certain days,
I’ll be like, “Oh, there are things
that I laugh about. There are things I enjoy.” You know?
-Yeah. -Like, he’s become
a part of my life. Like I — like he’s a character. A character that might kill me,
but still a character. [ Laughter ] -Yeah — so you find the humor
and you’re just like — Yeah, he’s just — so many —
-You know what I realized? Like, the other day, I sing Trump’s, like,
just catchphrases in my life. Like they’re lyrics to songs. So I’ll just be, like,
sitting by myself in an airport, and I’ll just be like
♪♪ Billions and billions ♪♪ ♪♪ And billions
and billions and billions ♪♪ And someone will walk past and
be like, “What song is that?” I’m like, “Oh, that’s just Trump
talking about his money.” And that’s —
It’s like a weird — like today he was talking about
chain migration. That’s his big thing.
You know? Because he doesn’t want to,
you know, pass the government funding
bill. And he’s like [As Trump]
“Chain migration. Chain migration.”
[ Laughter ] And like, he always —
it’s so rhythmic. Like, I realize — -[ As Trump ]
Chain migration. -Yeah, that’s exactly it!
[ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah, yeah.
-That’s exactly it! -Both: Chain migration! -And if you —
-Great impression. I’ve never heard that impression
of him, yeah. -But if you —
but if you listen to it — -Chain mi–
[ Laughter ] -If you listen to it,
it sounds like he’s doing a bad rendition of,
like, a Bob Marley song. It sounds like a reggae song. It’s just like
♪♪ Chain migration ♪♪ ♪♪ Chain migration ♪♪
[ Laughter ] ♪♪ Chain migration and the people
chain migration ♪♪ [ Laughter ] [ Reggae music playing ] ♪♪ Now the chain migration ♪♪ ♪♪ Them come for mother
turn to sons and daughters ♪♪ ♪♪ Wanna be in our nation ♪♪ -All right, all right.
[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my gosh.
-It’s amazing. -This guy. Oh, gosh.
That was a good laugh. January 30th,
after the State of the Union, you are going to a live show. A live…
-I’m excited. -…”Daily Show.” -State of the Union Address
goes on, and then “The Daily Show’s”
gonna be live. I love live shows
after Trump speaks, because we don’t know
what he’s gonna say. No one knows what he’s gonna do,
including himself, which I like. [ Laughter ] No, ’cause I feel like
we’re all in the same place. He’s also like, “Nobody know —
even me, baby.” [ Laughter ]
Nobody knows! It’s exciting.
I love it. So State of — you know,
State of the Union, we’re gonna be going live which
is really, really exciting. We’ll see what he says.
I feel like everyone — Democrats, Republicans,
I don’t care who you are — Everyone is clenching their
butt cheeks while he speaks. [ Laughter ]
‘Cause it could be anything. He could start a war
or he could make peace. You don’t know. -You really have no idea,
do you? -“Little Rocket Man… is a friend.”
You don’t know. [ Laughter ]
You don’t know. So that’s gonna be fun.
Live. -Oh, you guys.
Trevor Noah right here. [ Cheers and applause ]
“The Daily Show.” Say hi to everyone for me,
will you? -Thank you so much, man.

President Obama on the State of the Republican Party


Speaking of reality TV, I don’t know if you saw
“Celebrity Apprentice.” I did. It’s a great show, yeah. [ Laughter ] Has Donald Trump called you
for advice or talked to you at all? And first of all,
you’ve given him some pretty good advice
so far if you have. Yeah. But has he called
and talked to you? I would call you
if I was running. No. No, he hasn’t.
No. No. No. Not that I know of.
No. Do you think
the Republicans are happy
with their choice? We are,
but I don’t know how — [ Laughter ] I don’t know
how they’re feeling. [ Cheers and applause ] Actually, you know what? [ Chuckles ] That was too easy. But, the truth is,
actually, I am worried
about the Republican Party. And I know that sounds… You know. Yeah. You know
what it sounds like. Yeah. But democracy works,
this country works when you have two parties
that are serious and trying
to solve problems. And they’ve got
philosophical differences and they have
fierce debates and they argue and they contest elections. But at the end of the day,
what you want is a healthy
two-party system. And you want
the Republican nominee to be somebody who could
do the job if they win. And you want folks
who understand the issues and where you can sit
across the table from them and you have
a principled argument and ultimately can still
move the country forward. So I actually
am not enjoying, and I haven’t been enjoying
over the last seven years, watching
some of the things that have happened
in the Republican Party ’cause there’s some good people
in the Republican Party. There are wonderful Republicans
out in the country who want what’s best
for the country and may disagree with me
on some things but are good,
decent people. But what’s happened
in that party, culminating in this
current nomination, I think, is not actually good
for the country as a whole. It’s not something
Democrats should wish for. And my hope is that maybe once you get
through this cycle, there’s some
corrective action and they get back to being
a center-right party and the Democratic Party
being a center-left party and we start figuring out
how to work together. Was it harder for you
going in as President and realizing, well,
“People are gonna go, like, not work with me”? “The Republicans are not
gonna work with me.” It exceeded
my expectations because when I came in,
we were in the middle of crisis. And usually, your hope is that,
all right, we can play
political games, but when stuff is serious, when we’re losing
800,000 jobs a month, when we’ve got 180,000
troops in Afghanistan and Iraq that we’re going to buckle down
here for a second, put the politics aside
and just get stuff done. And that did not happen. Like, what’s the
Supreme Court thing? What’s happening with that? Because I know there’s a seat
that needs to be filled. So there’s a good
case in point. The Supreme Court
makes the law, interprets
the law of the land, and it’s binding
all across the country. And right now, we’re supposed to have
nine Supreme Court justices because… You know, the passing
of Justice Scalia, we only have eight. And so it’s hard for the Supreme Court
to do its job. Now, I’ve nominated
somebody who, uniformly, everybody,
including Republicans, acknowledges is probably
one of the most qualified guys who’s ever been nominated
for the seat, Merrick Garland. Merrick Garland. Merrick Garland. Very common name. [ Chuckles ] He’s the chief judge
of probably the second-most important
court in the land. He’s been a judge longer than many of the judges who are now justices
on the Supreme Court. Republicans in the past
have said he has impeccable
credentials, he’s smart,
he’s got a good temperament, he knows how to work with people
from all political spectrums. But some of them
won’t even meet with them, and so far, at least, they haven’t given him
a hearing. And that’s an example of where if the process
of democracy starts breaking down
to that degree where you can’t even
show the courtesy of meeting with a guy
who you know is qualified and you won’t give him
a hearing because you want to wait and see if maybe your guy
wins the election and nominates somebody, then you start seeing
the court system breaking down. You start seeing vacancies. People can’t get access
to the courts. And you see the country
start dividing in ways
that’s really unhealthy. So that’s a good example
of my hope that the Republican Party
steps back and reflects and says, “You know what? That’s not the way
we should be doing business because we don’t want Democrats
to be doing business if we have
a Republican president.” Like, would you ever think
to do that job? Because you’re a lawyer. Can you appoint yourself? Appoint myself? [ Laughing ] Yeah. [ Laughter ] No. You know — Aren’t you happy
I’m not in the White House? I am. Bad ideas. Yeah. [ Laughs ] I just have bad ideas. I mean, I look pretty good
in a robe. But it’s not something
that I think is the best way
for me to use my time after I get
out of office.