>>WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE
LATE SHOW. I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S JUST OUR SECOND SHOW OF 2020. AND SO FAR, WE’RE NOT DOING TOO
WELL ON THE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION OF “DON’T GO TO WAR
WE’VE BEEN WAITING ON PINS AND NEEDLES TO SEE HOW IRAN WOULD
RESPOND. IT’S LIKE OUR COUNTRY HAS SENT
AN IMPULSIVE LATE-NIGHT TEXT, AND NOW WE’RE STARRING AT THOSE
THREE LITTLE DOTS. THIS MORNING, A TOP IRANIAN
SECURITY OFFICIAL REVEALED THE COUNTRIES THAT DRAWN UP 13
SCENARIOS TO RETALIATE– ALSO KNOWN AS AN AYATOLLAH’S DOZEN. U.S. OFFICIALS ARE REPORTEDLY
CONCERNED THAT IRAN COULD TRY TO STRIKE A HIGH-LEVEL AMERICAN
LEADER. WELL, I DON’T KNOW WHO THE
EQUIVALENT OF SOLEIMANI WOULD BE IN THE UNITED STATES. WHO WOULD IT HAVE TO BE? IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A WELL-KNOWN
MILITARY LEADER WHO IS A NATIONAL SYMBOL OF SECURITY AND
STABILITY. OH, MY GOD! IT’S THE GENERAL! GET OUT OF THERE, SIR! TRUMP ISN’T REAL HAPPY ABOUT
IRAN NOT BEING REAL HAPPY WITH HIM, AND HE SHOWED THAT TODAY
WHEN HE MET WITH THE PRIME MINISTER OF GREECE FOR A VERY
GRUMPY EPISODE OF: “CHAIR CHAT!>>Stephen: TRUMP WAS ASKED
ABOUT HIS DECISION TO TAKE OUT SOLEIMANI, AND HE HAD NO
REGRETS.>>HE WAS TRAVELING WITH THE
HEAD OF HEZBOLLAH. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO DISCUSS A
VACATION. THEY WERE NOT THERE TO GO TO A
NICE RESORT SOMEPLACE IN BAGHDAD.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“AND THAT’S WHY WE BLEW HIM UP, BECAUSE HE WASN’T STAYING AT ONE
OF MY HOTELS.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )AFTER GETTING CRITICIZED FOR
THREATENING TO ATTACK IRAN’S CULTURAL SITES, TRUMP WALKED IT
BACK… KIND OF SORT OF.>>THEY ARE ALLOWED TO KILL OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO MAIM OUR
PEOPLE. THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BLOW UP
EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE, AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT STOPS
THEM, AND WE ARE, ACCORDING TO VARIOUS LAWS, SUPPOSED TO BE
VERY CAREFUL WITH THEIR CULTURAL HERITAGE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IF THAT IS WHAT THE LAW IS, I
LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW.( AS TRUMP )
“I LIKE TO OBEY THE LAW, JUST ASK PAUL MANAFORT OR MICHAEL
COHEN. IF THEY EVER GET OUT OF FEDERAL
PRISON, THEY WILL VOUCH FOR ME. THOSE TWO GUYS– THEY’RE GONNA,
THEY’RE GONNA… WITH THE GREEK PRIME MINISTER
SITTING BESIDE HIM, TRUMP ALSO PRAISED AMERICANS OF GREEK
HERITAGE.>>WE HAVE A TREMENDOUS GREEK
POPULATION, OVER THREE MILLION PEOPLE, AS I UNDERSTAND IT. THAT’S FANTASTIC. I REALLY FEEL I KNOW MOST OF
THEM. I THINK I KNOW ALL OF THEM, COME
TO THINK OF IT.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I KNOW EVERYONE FROM GREECE: RIZZO. FRENCHY. DANNY ZUKO. ♪ TELL ME MORE
TELL ME MORE ♪ DID YOU GET VERY FAR? TELL ME MORE
♪ TELL ME MORE LIKE, DOES HE HAVE A CAR? ♪ UH-HUH, UH-HUH
UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>COME ON, MAN. GET INTO IT!>>Stephen: SO THINGS ARE BAD
WITH IRAN, BUT DON’T WORRY, THINGS ARE ALSO BAD WITH IRAQ. ON SUNDAY, IRAQ’S PARLIAMENT
VOTED TO EXPEL AMERICAN TROOPS. SO IRAQ SAID, “GET OUT.” AND THE PENTAGON WAS LIKE… OKAY. EVIDENTLY, BECAUSE YESTERDAY WE
FOUND OUT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT SENT IRAQ A LETTER SAYING THEY
WERE REPOSITIONING OUR FORCES FOR MOVEMENT OUT OF IRAQ. BUT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE
RELEASE OF THAT LETTER, OUR TOP GENERAL SAID THE LETTER
SUGGESTING THE U.S. WOULD WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ WAS A
“MISTAKE.” OOPSA-TROOPSY! THE PAYING SAYS THE COPY OF THE
ENSIGNED LETTER LEAKED TO THE PRESS WAS A DRAFT. IT WAS NEVER SENT AS A FORMAL
MEMORANDUM. YOU CAN’T SEND SOMEONE A LETTER
OF THAT MAGNITUDE AND THEN SAY IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING. IT’S LIKE SAYING, “HONEY, THAT
BREAKUP EMAIL WAS FROM MY DRAFTS FOLDER. NOW, AS I WAS SAYING, WITH THIS
RING, I THEE WED.”
WELCOME TO” LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HAPPY FRIDAY, WE MADE IT. SAFE. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE FUN PLANS FOR
THE WEEKEND. ANY PLANS?>>Jon: YES, INDEED, I’M GOING
TO GO HOME AND NAP.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GOOD. MY PLANS– I’M GOING TO SPEND
THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN MY CLOSET BANGING ON THE BACK WALL TO TRY
TO FIND THE WAY TO NARNIA. IF THAT FAILS, I KNOW THERE’S A
BOTTLE OF BOURBON IN THERE.>>Jon: PROBABLY SO, YOU’RE
RIGHT.>>Stephen: NARNIA OR BUST. ALL WEEK, ALL WEEK, PUNDITS AND
POLITICIANS HAVE BEEN ASKING THEMSELVES, “HOW DID WE GET
HERE?” ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT IS THE MORAL G.P.S. THAT LED US TO THIS CLIFF? HIGHWAY DID TRUMP WIN? WAS THIS THE REVENGE OF THE
WHITE, WORKING CLASS VOTERS? WAS HILLARY CLINTON COMPLACENT
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. DID WE ANGER THE VOLCANO GOD? I SAID WE SHOULD HAVE THROWN
TAYLOR SWIFT IN THERE. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. WOULD HAVE MISSED HER. IT TURNS OUT TMAY BE NONE OF THE
ABOVE. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE BLAMING ALL
THE FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS THAT WAS PRO-TRUMP AND ANTI-HILLARY. IN FACT, MORE FAKE NEWS WAS
SHARED ON FACEBOOK THAN REAL NEWS. SO WHERE DID IT COME FROM? TURNS OUT A LOT OF IT CAME FROM
FACEBOOK FAKE NEWS WRITER AND MINDFREAK WANNABE, PAUL HORNER,
WHO SAYS, “I THINK DONALD TRUMP IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE BECAUSE OF
ME.” OKAY! DID YOU HEAR THAT, FUTURE TIME
TRAVELLERS? NOW YOU KNOW WHO TO HUNT LAST
YEAR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AAAH! ALTHOUGH, I GOTTA SAY, PRETTY
RUDE OF HIM NOT TO GIVE AT LEAST PARTIAL CREDIT TO JAMES COMEY. CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. HORNER CREDITS HIMSELF FOR SUCH
INFLUENTIAL FAKE NEWS ITEMS AS, “THE AMISH IN AMERICA COMMIT
THEIR VOTE TO DONALD TRUMP, MATHEMATICALLY GUARANTEEING
HIM A PRESIDENTIAL VICTORY.” “OBAMA SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER
BANNING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT ALL SPORTING EVENTS NATIONWIDE,”
AND “GAY WEDDING MOBILE VANS CASHING IN ON THE LEGALIZATION
OF GAY MARRIAGE.” BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU THINK GAY
PEOPLE YOU THINK ONE THING– VANS.>>Jon: THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: AND HORNER KNOWS
WHO HE CAN THANK FOR HIS SUCCESS, SAYING:
“HONESTLY, PEOPLE ARE DEFINITELY DUMBER. THEY JUST KEEP PASSING STUFF
AROUND. NOBODY FACT-CHECKS ANYTHING
ANYMORE. I MEAN, THAT’S HOW TRUMP GOT
ELECTED.” OH, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT
EVERYBODY, BUT CERTAIN PEOPLE DEFINITELY DON’T SEEM SMART. FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT
THE FAKE NEWS WRITER WHO BRAGGED ABOUT ELECTING A REALITY SHOW
ABOUT ELECTING TRUMP TO THE COUNTRY HE HAS IT TO LIVE IN. OF COURSE, THIS ISN’T HORNER’S
FIRST BRUSH WITH FAME. LOOK AT THESE HEADLINES. “PAUL HORNER TRAMPLED BY ALPACA
AT BEASTIALITY CLUB. NATION REJOICES.” “DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN AND THEN
FEASTS ON THE FLESH OF PAUL HORNER.” BUT ACTUALLY, WE MADE THOSE UP,
FULL DISCLOSER. AND I KIND OF WISH MORE NEWS WAS
FAKE RIGHT NOW.>>Jon: OH, YEAH.>>Stephen: YEAH. I DON’T LIKE SOME OF THE REAL
HEADLINES I’M SEEING, LIKE THIS ONE, “MORE THAN 400
INCIDENTS OF HATEFUL HARASSMENT AND INTIMIDATION
SINCE THE ELECTION. FOR INSTANCE, INDIANA, WHERE
AN EPISCOPAL CHURCH WAS VANDALIZED WITH A SWASTIKA AND
THE WORDS ‘HEIL TRUMP’.” I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I MEAN, IT’S 2016. CAN WE PLEASE WAIT A LITTLE
LONGER BEFORE PUTTING UP THE 2020 CAMPAIGN SIGNS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT’S EVEN INFECTING FASHION,
BECAUSE THIS WEEK A NEO-NAZI BLOGGER DECLARED NEW
BALANCE THE “OFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE.” UTILL NOW, THEY WERE THE
UNOFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE. THE “FASCIST-NISTA” WENT ON TO
WRITE: “THIS WILL BE FANTASTIC. WE WILL BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE ONE
ANOTHER BY OUR SPORTSWEAR.” FINALLY, A WAY FOR NAZIS TO
RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THE SWASTIKA NECK TATTOO WAS
A LITTLE SUBTLE. THIS ALL STARTED– YAY! NECK TATTOO. THIS ALL STARTED AFTER NEW
BALANCE SUPPORTED THE ELECTION OF DONALD TRUMP, STATEMENTING,
“THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TURNED A DEAF EAR TO US AND, FRANKLY,
WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP, WE FEEL THINGS ARE GOING TO MOVE IN
THE RIGHT DIRECTION.” PEOPLE GOT SO MAD AT NEW BALANCE
FOR SUPPORTING TRUMP LIKE THIS, THEY FILMED THEMSELVES SETTING
THEIR SHOES ON FIRE. IT’S THE MOST MOVING ACT OF
SHOE-RELATED CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE SINCE DR. MARTIN LUTHER SCHOLLS’
“LETTER FROM A BIRMINGHAM FOOT LOCKER.” HE MADE UP IT THE MOUNTAINTOP
VERY FAST. HE RAN UP THE THING. HE WAS GELLING. NOW, I KNOW OUR NATION IS
DIVIDED RIGHT NOW, BUT DO WE HAVE TO DRAG FOOTWEAR INTO IT? I’M A WHITE MALE OF A CERTAIN
AGE WHO ENJOYS KHAKIS. DON’T TAKE MY NEW BALANCE FROM
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO WEAR WHEN I’M WAITING FOR MY WIFE
OUTSIDE THE TALBOT’S? SPEAKING OF BEING MARRIED. PEOPLE MARRIED? PEOPLE MARRIED.( APPLAUSE )
GUYS WHO WEAR WEDDING RINGS, IFYOU’RE SHOPPING FOR ONE, SORRY
TO PUT YOU ON THE SPOT, GUYS, IF YOU’RE BUYING A RING,
BE SURE TO READ ALL THE SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS, BECAUSE THIS WEEK
DOCTORS REMOVED A WEDDING RING FROM A MAN’S PENIS. FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU CAN
ACTUALLY FIT A WEDDING RING AROUND YOUR PENIS,
CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING SOMEONE TO MARRY YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE MAN IN THIS STORY APPARENTLY
PUT THE BLING ON THE THING FOR “EROTIC REASONS.” WEKKM LIKE BEYONCE SAID, “IF YOU
LIKE IT, YOU BETTER PUT A RING ON IT.”>>Jon: YAY!>>Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. IT’S TRUE. ♪ ♪ ♪
AS FOR THE MAN’S TREATMENT OPTIONS, DOCTORS SAID,
“NO PROPER GUIDELINES EXIST FOR THE TREATMENT OF THIS CONDITION,
SO THE BEST METHOD IS THE ONE WITH A SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME.” YES, HOPEFULLY HE’LL HAVE A
SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME. WHAT HE WANTED WAS A HAPPY
ENDING. NOW, IF THERE WEREN’T ENOUGH
TROUBLING NEWS ALREADY THIS WEEK, IT WAS JUST REVEALED THAT
AFTER 11 SEASONS AND DECLINING VIEWERSHIP “DUCK DYNASTY” IS
SAYING GOOD-BYE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. I’M SAD, TOO. ( LAUGHTER )
TURNS OUT THE GUYS WANTED TO SPEND MORE TIME EXPLORING THEIR
TRUE PASSION– CHALLENGING SQUIRRELS TO STARING CONTESTS. NO WORD YET ON WHAT THE GUYS
PLAN TO DO NEXT, BUT MY MONEY’S ON PHIL ROBERTSON BEING CHOSEN
THE NEXT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, UNITED AIRLINES JUST ANNOUNCED THEY’RE OFFERING A
CHEAPER TICKET OPTION CALLED “BASIC ECONOMY,” NOT TO BE
CONFUSED WITH THE NAME OF THE BOOK DONALD TRUMP IS FRANTICALLY
READING RIGHT NOW. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY, THE FUTURE IS A COIN TOSS! IN UNITED’S BASIC ECONOMY,
PASSENGERS “WON’T BE ABLE TO CHOOSE THEIR SEATS, WILL BE
LAST TO BOARD THE PLANE, AND WON’T BE ABLE TO CARRY ON MORE
THAN ONE PERSONAL ITEM THAT WILL FIT UNDER THE SEAT IN FRONT
OF THEM.” ALSO, YOU CAN’T HAVE LEGS, AND
ALL THE BABIES ON THE PLANE WILL CRY INTO TUBES THAT GO DIRECTLY
INTO YOUR EARS. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF A LIVING NIGHTMARE– NORTH KOREA HAS LONG BEEN RULED
BY SUPREME LEADER AND BIEWR ITO SUPREME, KIM JONG-UN. AND RECENTLY, NORTH KOREAN
OFFICIALS LODGED A FORMAL REQUEST WITH CHINA TO PROHIBIT
NAMES DISPARAGING KIM JONG-UN, SPECIFICALLY, THE
NICKNAME KIM FATTY III” THAT’S JUST MEAN. WHY ARE YOU FAT SHAMING THIS
GUY WHICH YOU COULD BE HUMAN-RIGHTS SHAMING THIS GUY? PLUS, IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE
FUN OF HIM– KIM’S A GIRL’S NAME. NOW, THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM
FOR NORTH KOREA, AS THE COUNTRY’S GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
ARE TERRIFIED ABOUT THE INSULT AND LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO
BLAME. IF HE’S LOOKING TO PLACE BLAME
ON SOMEONE ABOUT HIS WEIGHT, MAY I SUGGEST HIS MOUTH. I WANT TO TAKE A BOLD STANCE
AGAINST CYBERBULLYING, WHICH IS WHY I’M GOING TO RECORD AN
IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT OVER IN CAMERA ONE. ( LAUGHTER )
HI, I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK
THEIR BONES, BUT WORDS CAN REALLY HURT THEM. HI, I’M STILL STEVE COLBERT. I’D LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO
SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE EPIDEMIC OF WORLD-LEADER BULLYING. IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT, BUT AS
WE SPEAK, HEADS OF STATE ARE BEING VICIOUSLY MOCKED IN EVERY
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, EXCEPT CANADA. THAT GUY’S JUST HOT. Y( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU MAY HAVE EVEN BULLIED WORLD LEADERS YOURSELF WITH NICKNAMES
LIKE “ANTHRAX Q. RABBITMOUTH,” “SECRET AGENT HORSE FONDLER,”
AND “LADY PAUL MCCARTNEY.” ( LAUGHTER )
NO MATTER HOW ACCURATE IT IS, IT IS CRUEL. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK OF
CALLING KIM JONG-UN “KIM FATTY III,” OR “THE CABBAGE
PATCH DICTATOR,” OR “MAN WHO ATE BOTH KIDD AND PLAY,” JUST
REMEMBER– HE HAS FEELINGS, TOO. AND A NUCLEAR WEAPON. SO SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. WILLIAM H. MACY IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I’M GOING TO
SIT AMERICA DOWN AND GIVE IT A LITTLE FATHERLY ADVICE. STICK AROUND!
“What do you think of the
Lakers doing so well this season?” Alright, look. That’s messed up. You guys know I’m a Kings fan. And you know that the Lakers
have consistently broken our hearts. It makes me so mad that they’re gelling, that LeBron is back, that they’re all getting along. There’s no drama. Dwight Howard is, like,
now all of a sudden mentally there. Alright. Does anyone else have
any questions for me or anything? I’ve got a question! Why’d you cut our interview so short? Ladies and gentlemen,
Andrew Yang! Andrew Yang! You too! Yes! Dude, you did fuckin’…
Did you see the way he did that? Aye man, you got the like,
the swagger’s– I’ve seen it, it’s up now. Oh, thank you, man. Thank you. You hopped up like you had wheelies, man. Let’s see Bernie Sanders do that. Oooh, wow! Shots fired. Andrew, that’s ageist, bro. Don’t do that. Bernie’s an inspiration and
role model to me, uh… Don’t qualify. Don’t qualify. Go full
Nas, Jay-Z. Go full Take— Just go Takeover. Oh… You know what you should do? Like,
the Takeover track, be like, “You little fuck, I got
money stacks bigger than you.” You should do that. Alright, anyways. – You’re not the first person to tell me that.
– Um, are you— are you ready for this? I’m ready. You realize the last presidential candidate
that came on Deep Cuts dropped out, so… We had Beto on the show. The ne—
Like, the following day he dropped out. You have to answer the question while
holding an egg on a spoon. So describe, in Spanish, what’s
happening right now on stage. Ah, pues, es muy complicado… – You ready for the danger zone? This is like—
– You have absolutely nothing to worry about. – Okay.
– I’m gonna undo the Patriot Act jinx right now, Ahh, it’s not a jinx. Come on, man. He was polling pretty low, but alright. Now there’s only one dude on TV
doing this all the time. Alright. So obviously, certain media outlets
have blacked you out. Yes. – I’ma just say it. MSNBC…
– Yeah. And I’ve got to say… They call you John Yang… All I’m asking for is that they say,
“We’re going to treat— – Now you wanna— …you exactly like every other candidate.
We’re going to allow surrogates on our air just like we allow surrogates from other campaigns.”
And they’re going to acknowledge that they’ve omitted me from over a dozen graphics
and have made mistakes in our coverage. Very, very reasonable. Just treat us like everyone
else and then I will be back on the air the next day. Okay, but you’re asking for an apology,
though. They have to admit fault? – I mean they actually—
– You want the news media to admit fault? You want Rachel Maddow to tack on
another 30 minutes to her three-hour show – and be like, “I’m sorry, Andrew.”
– I’m not looking for 30 minutes. – I would take one minute.
– One minute? Okay. Uh, but the fact is they’ve already apologized for
some of the mistakes they’ve made in isolation, so I’m just asking for an apology to acknowledge
that they’ve made additional mistakes, as well. Okay. Why don’t you do this:
Go right to Camera One and say, “Hey, MSNBC… the only time I agree with Trump
is when he’s talking about MSNBC.” Wow. – I, I would not put it that way.
– Aw, come on! Come on, dude! I’m trying to— Look, you’re what, at 6%? – Yeah, I’m in, I’m in fifth place.
– If you get the beef poppin’… I guarantee you’ll go up to 8%. If you really… If you really swing dick at MSNBC… Dude, you already have the internet.
They’ll go crazy. – Look, I got to—
– Reddit loves you! I got to give them a road back… – Just go raw.
– …because after I’m president, you know, I’m going to be doing
interviews with them. – I’m serious.
– We got to give them the path back. But MSNBC, just come clean and say,
“Look, mistakes were made. Let’s put this behind us so we can get to the
business of beating Donald Trump in 2020.” Mike Bloomberg just declared his candidacy.
You’re the numbers guy. Should billionaires exist and be able
to run for office? Two questions. Well, our economic system has been geared
towards this winner-take-all dynamic for years. So, it’s going to produce some billionaires as
a byproduct of the way the economy is set up. Uh, and so, you can’t go back in
time and rewire the way the economy – …should have been starting in the ’90s.
– What do you— what do you mean by that? It’s already designed for people
to get a billion dollars? It is designed so that it’s going to end up
producing some number of billionaires, which we have to remedy and as president— Because of what? Monopolies or what? Like what— Yeah. You’ve seen market power consolidated
in the hands of fewer and fewer companies and then you’ve seen technology
and capital converge. The— But should he, should a billionaire like
Bloomberg be able to run? That’s the real question. Because he can just buy his way
through a situation that you’re not in. Yeah. History has shown that self-funding candidates have a very,
very poor track record in elections. And the fact is, you can’t buy
passion, you can’t buy belief. Uh, if you have people and money,
I’ll take people every single day. And that’s what I believe the billionaires in this race
are going to find out, as well, in the days to come. – But should— Should billionaires be able to run?
– The way we’re set up— You’re Euro-stepping the answer here and then going to the hole. I’m— I’m going man. Now you gotta answer that. Come on, Andrew. Yeah. Billionaires should be allowed to spend money
on behalf of their own campaigns. Yes, I believe so. Okay. But, and you’re— You’re okay going up
against the David versus Goliath situation? Well, I think what they’re going to find is that spending
money on advertising dollars is going to be like pushing on a string where after a certain amount of ads,
it actually becomes more irritating than anything else. Uh, you’re nodding because you see this and you don’t even live in Iowa. So, if— if you live in this age— So, like, people in Iowa are like, “Dude, I cannot…
It’s just Fashion Nova, Fit Tummy Tea, and Michael Bloomberg.” Is that what their Instagram is? There was an article where some teenagers
were doing a comedy routine where they were like, imitating these political ads because
they’ve seen them over and over again. So much so that it’s become a joke. You know what, man? You guys know what time it is. It’s time for
the surprise math quiz. Let’s see it. – Andrew, here we go.
– Alright. Two trains travels in opposite
directions from the same station. The first train travels 20 miles an hour faster
than the second train, but it starts one hour and 30 minutes
after the second train. Five hours after the second train starts,
the trains are 512 miles apart. What is the speed of the first train
in miles per hour? Go. As the math guy, I know
the answer is always C! Dude, it’s E, are you kidding me? It’s E. Go, show the work. Super simple.
We did this before. Let X be the speed of train two. X plus 20 is the speed of train one. Obviously, 3.5X plus 20, plus 5X, five two,
8.5X plus seven equals five over two. X is 52. Speed of train: 52 plus 20, 72.
Easy. You sold a test prep company, bro? I did, I did. I did. Alright, man. – Now you’ve said the Freedom Dividend…
– Number one in the country. tested well as an alternative to UBI. Yeah, yeah. We’ve tested all the
names for giving people money. – Dude. Come on, dude.
– No, true. I’m going to be the only one.
It’s just like, “You really tested it?” You were like, “Okay. Let’s try, uh,
‘Allowance for Adults.’ Eh, it’s not going to work.” Yes. We didn’t have that on the list. – Patriot Bucks. Liberty Dollars.
– We had something very close to that. – Patriot Bucks?
– We had a lot of variants. – We had, uh, we had Freedom Dividend, which won.
– Liberty Bribe. How about Liberty Bribe? How about, how about, how about
‘Not Even Half Your Rent… – Bucks”?
– That’s true here in New York. That is true. – Okay. No, but it tested really well. Yeah.
– Anything with the word “Freedom” in it. Anything with the word “Freedom”
in it tested way, way better. – Yeah. You know the show is called Patriot Act…
– But we tested a whole bunch of that stuff. because the Patriot Act was super fucked up. – Yeah. And it got passed.
– Okay. Uh, the Republicans are really
good at naming terrible stuff… – Okay.
– …really appealing names. Okay. But Silicon Valley people love it.
Shouldn’t we have a little bit of skepticism if Silicon Valley bros love
the idea of the Freedom Dividend? Just based on… everything. – Well, the reason why I love the Freedom Dividend…
– Yeah. is that it makes people stronger, healthier, mentally
healthier, less stressed out. We’ll start to put value on things that, right now, the market ignores.
Like the work my wife does at home – with our two boys, one of whom is autistic…
– Yeah. Caregivers, nurturers, uh, coaches and mentors,
and increasingly artists, creatives, and even journalists. There are people in
Silicon Valley that do support this and some of them support it for the exact
right reason— because they know that we’re in the midst of the greatest economic and
technological transformation in our country’s history and we need to do something
about it as quickly as possible. Are we using the Freedom Dividend
as a short-term solve on massive capitalistic inequality that already exists? So, say me and my wife, we get the Freedom
Dividend of a thousand. So, we get 24 Gs a year. How is that going to take down the structure
of the Michael Bloombergs, the Jeff Bezoses? What does that do?
That’s not even a dent to them. Well, to me, what it is— – To massive economic inequality that’s only growing.
– Yeah. Um, what it is, is a foundation for all of us. Like you have— Do you ever stop building
a house at the floor? You ever be like, “Oh, this is a nice floor.”
Of course not. You have the floor and then you have
to build a structure on top. And you’re going to go after
the technology companies as well? – Oh yeah.
– Monopolies, all that stuff. Well, the biggest thing that I’m stressed out
about where the tech companies are concerned, – uh, is that—
– You know we’re on Net— We’re on Netflix. – We’re on Netflix. Everybody but Netflix.
– It’s cool. Everybody but Netflix. Go ahead. I don’t think this does apply to Netflix, happily. You’ll be— that wasn’t intentional. Okay, good, good, good. Okay. Oh, good. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. – Yeah, fuck Google. Go, go, go, go.
– …is that— Yo, you’ll be like, “Disney’s a huge fuckin’ problem.
Fuck them. I’m gonna break them up…” That’s funny. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. So, I’m a parent, uh, and what stresses me out
most about technology is that we’re going through a mental health crisis in this country—
record high levels of anxiety and depression, and it’s related to technology use and
smartphone adoption and social media apps. Uh, and a friend of mine in Silicon Valley said that we
have some of the smartest engineers in our country turning super computers into dopamine delivery
devices and slot machines for teenagers. And it’s having a disastrous effect
on our mental health. So what we have to do is we have to get into
the guts of these social media apps and recalibrate their design choices so they don’t just
have the profits of the companies in mind, but they also have our mental health and the
mental health of our children. Now… You believe data should be owned
by the person who generates it. Yeah! Our data needs to be ours. These companies
are selling and reselling it and profiting to the tune of billions and billions of dollars… Which companies specifically? What are
we talking about? The Majors. Facebook, Amazon, Google— the Majors,
are selling our data and profiting to the tune of billions, even tens of billions, of dollars. So I’m proposing that our data is ours. Even if we decide to lend
it to these tech companies, they have to tell us what they’re doing with it.
They have to share in the value with us, so we would literally get data checks
from the tech companies. Wow. And then we have to be able to turn the dial off
and unplug it at will. And— And this is fundamental. Right now, we’re in a
position where the tech companies know us better – than some of our family members.
– Yeah, that’s true. – And they’re putting all these—
– That’s very true. It is true, right? Netflix might, too.
But in Netflix— – Oooh.
– No, no— Oooh.
– But in Netflix’s case— Oh, really? I told you to go after MSNBC.
Now you’re trying to fuck with my bag. No, no. But in Netflix’s case, they just figure out what
we want to watch so it’s quite benign, actually. And then they figure out what sort
of money to invest content in. – A lot of times we have all these—
– Nice save, nicely done. Nicely done. I have a subscription. Yours or like, a cousin’s? Be real. My cousin borrows mine,
that’s what kind of cousin I have. Alright, alright. I want to go back to something that I
was really fascinated with in your book. You’re the automation guy. That’s how
you kind of became— and made a name – on the national stage.
– Yes. How bad is this robot situation on a scale from
Roomba to Black Mirror? Where are we at? We are approximately halfway
between Roomba and Black Mirror. We’re about 50% of the way to robot dogs. Whoa, whoa, wait. No, no, no, wait. Half? Like— So, what are we? Like… So, there’s Tamagotchi, Terminator…
– Yeah. and you said we’re halfway? We’re definitely past Tamagotchi. We’re short of Skynet, but we have to move
pretty quickly and rewrite the rules of this economy to work for us because it’s
not going to happen unless we make it happen. What are the biggest threats to automation?
’Cause a lot of people have criticized and said you’ve overplayed your hand on
how bad automation is gonna be. You know, I think it’s a very bad bet
to bet against technology over time. And sure, technology doesn’t proceed in a
straightforward, linear fashion. Sometimes it doesn’t look like stuff’s working and
then they’ll all of a sudden make some advance, and before you know it, we’re buying
all of our stuff on Amazon. So, the pace is unclear, but I’m 100% confident
that we blasted away 4 million manufacturing jobs primarily in the Midwest and
helped get Donald Trump elected. I’m 100% confident that Amazon is closing
30% of America’s stores and malls, paying zero in taxes while doing it, and the most
common job in our economy is retail clerk. So, these are indisputable facts before you get to
artificial intelligence replacing call center workers— Is my job at risk? That’s fine.
Is my job at risk? You’ll be the last person standing
while the rest of us all give up. I shouldn’t be happy. I shouldn’t be happy.
That’s messed up. Oh no, man. It’s good. I mean… having a secure
livelihood is nothing to be ashamed of. Oh dude, it’s comedy. That’s not secure.
You know how un-secure this is? I gotta— that’s one reason why you’re such
an awesome Asian-American role model… – Uh-huh.
– because I’m sure his parents were like, “This is, like, the worst, uh, career move ever.” And now, you can be like,
“Look, Mom and Dad, check it out.” Yeah. This is gonna be on YouTube,
Mom and Dad. Now, I recently watched the Disney Channel
Original Movie, Smart House. Now if you haven’t seen it… it’s basically a movie where the computer
takes over the role as mother and holds the family hostage. How does this
movie play into your fears of automation? Wow. Wow. I haven’t seen this movie yet. Um… Dude, I did my real research. I read the book,
I found a piece of pop culture from the ’90s – early 2000s, connected to it…
– Oh, it’s an old movie? It’s what? It’s— Yeah, yeah. It’s O.G.
It’s Lizzie McGuire level, you know what I mean? It’s that era. Yeah. Now you’ve said before you are going to be,
if you win the election, the first American president that was ex-goth. Yeah and this is— This is one way you know that
I had no intention of ever running for president. Let’s— let’s see the photo real quick. – Let’s see the goth photo.
– Sure thing. Okay. Alright. That’s not goth.
Dude, you’re wearing… you just have long hair and a—
you look like an extra in American Pie. – Well—
– Dude, if you’re really goth… dude, you gotta prove it. – Wow.
– Prove it with the Goth Test. Andrew, when is World Goth Day? I do not know the answer. May 22! Andrew, how many tattoos
of The Cure do you have? Zero. But I— but I do have pictures of myself
with a very Robert Smith-esque haircut. Okay. Andrew, who’s the biggest poser: your mom, the jocks, your teachers, or D, all of the above? Wow. I hate to throw my mom under the bus,
but I’m going to say D, all of the above. It’s your mom… because she brought you into this world. Wow, that’s very goth. Andrew, bangs should cover: bangs… one eye, both eyes, and at least three piercings, all of the above? – Definitely all of the above.
– That’s right. You’ve got to cover
everything to be truly goth. Last question. Name three brands of eyeliner. Uh, um… Maybelline… Nice. Thank you. Oh my gosh. – Maybelline Super Eyeliner.
– Nooo! Nooo! Maybe I was just a Maybelline guy, you don’t know. Alright, I support that. Alright, that’s the Goth Test. You have some pretty deep cut, weird policies.
Like you have the American Mall Act. Yeah. You want to revitalize malls? What I want to do is I want to, to help
these malls transition to new uses. Yeah. They can become theaters, community centers, – uh, places for religious organizations…
– I say, no, no… – even art installation—
– Don’t— don’t do boring religious stuff. Do this. Do skating rinks plus laser tag. – Sure.
– Remember like, when you were in elementary school, and you had a birthday party at a skate rink?
We don’t do that anymore. Put that in a mall, put laser tag there. – Hey, if that’s what the community wants—
– Sky Zone. You know how like, little kids have the big trampoline
places? It’s just all trampoline? Do that for adults. – Put that in a Sears.
– Wow. These are great ideas. So what we have to do
is we have to help the community. – Dude, that’s— come on. Nah, dude.
– No, listen! – Nah, you shot that down. Like, Andrew—
– I’m being genuine. Nah, dude, be a real politician. Be like Biden.
Be like, “That was great. That was great.” – I’m being genuine.
– And then like, massage me. Like do it that way. – Super Sky Zone in the Sears is a great idea.
– “That was a great idea!” Yeah. We just have to help the communities find new
uses for these spaces so they don’t become sources of blight and depress
property values for miles around. Other weird policy:
The Penny Makes No Cents. You want to get rid of pennies? I do want to get rid of pennies. – Did you start snapping?
– They know. They know. You’re like, “Take ‘em out.” I have some other ones.
Okay. Those little stickers on fruit. Get rid of ’em. Dude, get rid of ’em. On an apple— you ever bit into an apple
and you eat a sticker? – I’m anti-fruit sticker.
– You’re done. – I’m anti-fruit sticker. That’s a great idea.
– Okay, that’s another one. Visors. Visors are done, okay? What are you? What are you? Are you a hat or are you sunglasses?
Make up your mind. ’Cause the only people that wear visors
are NFL head coaches, but that’s it. Wow… the Anti-Visor Act of 2021. Alright, third pitch, just take it. I’m giving it to you. Don’t give me Freedom Dividend, this is just
out of the goodness of my heart. Celery, get rid of it. Like, come on. Unless you just had buffalo wings, am I right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But you—
that’s the problem. You have to pair it with something else.
Dude, celery, stand on your own two feet. Celery alone, bad idea, agreed. Yeah, It’s always got to be like,
“Oh, I’m with peanut butter. Don’t throw me away.” Nah, celery. Bring something to the table. Dude, I should be part of the
campaign, like honestly, like… I’m just like… I agree, running mate, running mate in 2020? The all-Asian American ticket! Yeaaaaah! Nah, dude. Nah, dude. You don’t want
a Muslim running with you, bro. Like, I don’t want to fuck up
the situation. You know— You know like, Barack barely made it being black,
but as soon as they were like, “He’s Muslim!” he’s like, “No, I’m not, dude. Come on, man.
I got, I already got one hill to climb here. Don’t, don’t add the M part.” This is like Good Will Hunting where I’m like,
“Hey man, I want you to go places, man.” Remember when Ben Affleck
does that to Matt Damon? – I don’t want you to be with the Ms.
– Aw, that’s touching. – Like, I want you to go places. Alright.
– That’s touching. Now, you want to empower MMA fighters. Um, did you come up with that
after you went on Joe Rogan? – Uh, before.
– Really? Because I’ve been an MMA fan for years, but MMA
fighters get paid only 10 to 15% of the sports revenues. In every other major sport, it’s 50%… – so they’re getting underpaid by 80%.
– Okay, so we actually have an MMA fighter right here. So, yeah… You’re on my side, right? I want you to empower him. Okay, here’s how I would empower him.
First, I’d get behind him. And then I would say, you got this, you got this guy.
He’s nothing to you. He’s nothing. He’s going to feel your power.
He’s going to feel your power. It’s going to make him not want to be here. – That’s how I would empower an MMA fighter.
– I told you, I told you to channel that Biden, baby. – Thank you, brother. You feel powerful, or you feel—
– Oh, way, way powerful. Okay, good, good. Andrew Yang, everybody! – Thank you all. Thank you, brother.
– That was great, man. Thank you, thank you. – Thank you!
– One more time for Andrew Yang. Thank you all. Thank you. Thank you. Andrew Yang!
You know what’s crazy? Uh, so the audience coordinator,
like before I came out, was like, “Hey, like, there’s uh, there’s a
dude here who looks like your twin.” But the whole taping I was like— Like, there’s like seven— You know what I mean,
like, you, you, like I’m like— I don’t know who it is. The whole time I was looking for that. Where is it, where’s the twin? You’re the twin? This is the twin? This is the guy everyone’s like, “He’s the guy?” Right here? Stand on stage, let’s see, let’s— How are you? What’s your name? Prav? Alright, get it on this camera. Let’s see it. I don’t know! Alright, alright. Next one. Next one. Yeah, you dude, you, yeah. Ah, this is too—
this is too, ahh, come on. Okay, okay, okay. Wait, do it, let’s go to— Alright, let’s go to this
camera. Let’s go to this camera. Go like this, go like this. Alright what— put your hand,
put it in this pocket, and then just do this. No?! I think we look the same. Okay. Eddie, what do you think? What do you think? It won’t be racist if you say it’s yes. Yeah. Come on! Yeah, we do. Got the beard, we got the— Let me see it, let me see it on— Aw, come on dude, I’m having fun. This is a strange question. “If everyone lost the ability to sneeze,
how long would it take for us to realize it?” Dude, I would just assume— You know what, I think we would
just assume we’re super healthy. Like, “Ah, I don’t sneeze
’cause I’m super healthy.” That’s all. How long do you think? Six months? You would legitimately have that thought? “Wow, I haven’t sneezed in… a good half year.” Would you miss it? Would you miss sneezing? Would it be like one of those things like,
remember like in Children of Men there’s no kids? Would we— would we long for
sneezing like the way they do in that? “There was one person
on Earth who could sneeze.” Are your sneezes weird? Mine sound
like— I sound like a little mouse, you know? I try to like hide it. I’m like, eh! Do you know how some
people have like really loud ones? Yeah. What’s yours like? You’ve never been told? Every time I’ve sneezed
people are like, “Are you alright?” “Do you have a secret?
Like you’re hiding it.” You know what? The scariest thing about sneezing is
the fact that you’ll do it when you’re driving. How are more
people just not dying? Every time you just
switch lanes on a sneeze? Think about how many, like, car accidents
would be happening just because of that. Dude, if you’re an Athiest
and you don’t believe— Like I’m, every time I’ve like sneezed
while changing a lane and I live, I’m like, “Dude, there is a God.” This is like, for sure for sure. “What is a weird NYC subway
talent you wish you could have?” Um, it would definitely be the dudes
with the boom boxes doing flips. And then sometimes on the subway,
there’s the dude who can like, hang vertically and do, and go perpendicular.
Can go full 90 degrees. That’s… that’s pretty dope. Um… I get nervous though. ’Cause they usually ask for money
and I have a— like, you know, I’ll stare. I just have this problem
where I’ll just stare. A lot of us have
that problem, right? Indian people just stare. And they’ll always be like,
“Ah, this guy, this guy’s having a good time!” And I’m like, “I am, no!” “Like, I’m having the best time right now!” “Where’s the money at?” And I’ll always panic ’cause I don’t have cash. Like, nobody carries cash these days. Sometimes I’ll be like,
“Do you take Venmo?” And they’re like, “No!
We gotta get to the next car!” I’m like, “I’m sorry.” You know what’s wild to me? The fact that we don’t want
to engage with them and yet, most people are like scrolling on Twitter. But you would watch somebody
doing crazy backflips on your phone. But we wouldn’t wanna see it live! Isn’t that weird? Do we hate— is it the choice? Is it the fact that we— Oh, be able to opt in. You’re like, “I don’t want people backflipping at—” Is communiting the
worst part of living in New York? What’s your commute? Uh huh. Oh man. Yeah… When I first moved to New York that
was the one piece of advice everyone gave me. They’re like, “Just don’t commute.
Live across the street from work.” And I actually did that. I lived in Times Square. Yeah, it was right by The Daily Show, so… every day I just saw, like,
people dressed up as M&M’s. It was— I was like, “Is this New York City?” And then Michael Che told
me he lived literally across the street. And I was like,
“I gotta move across the street.” Like, even ten blocks is too much. So I moved across the street and
then I convinced every other correspondent to move into that building. It was very clutch.
It’s like a two minute commute. It’s incredible. I mean, Manhattan is very
boring, but… Like, that part of Manhattan. This part of— this area’s
pretty, pretty boring, but… I had to come to— like I came to just a
point in my life, ’cause Jessica Williams was like, “Move to Brooklyn. Everyone’s cool in Brooklyn.” And I really had to like look
myself in the mirror and I’m like, “I’m not cool.” I’m not that cool.
I’m not gonna do cool things. “Would you rather have to rock
the Zuckerberg haircut for an entire year or go one full winter in which
your only footwear option is Crocs?” Crocs! Hundred-percent Crocs. They’re on my feet and they’re really comfortable.
I don’t care what people say, they’re super comfortable. I have them at home. They’re great. They’re great for dry or wet situations. They’re awesome. Um, yeah. Damn, Anjali. Do you not—
You also find Zuckerberg’s hairline super weird You would do that hair more than Crocs? Really? Okay, your rule wasn’t Crocs all the time. It was just wear Crocs. Oh, “or go one full winter in which” —
Oh, I’m sorry, like reading comprehension. I’m sorry. “Go one full winter in which
your only footwear option is Crocs.” I’ll double up on socks and do Crocs.
I’ll double up on socks and do Cr— No socks?! You’re changing the rules!
You can’t just do that. You’re like, “No socks, and we chop off one of your feet. Now what?” No, come on. You just said Crocs.
I go double— Really? You would want to see me with the weird ass… like his Caesar that’s off? It’s not even ri— like,
come on, dude. You went to Harvard. The angle isn’t even right.
It’s not even straight. I think it’s a power move.
He’s just like, “Yeah, say something about it.” Alright, “What’s your hottest take
that you’re afraid to tell people?” Oh wow. That’s like a Reddit question where
you’re like, “Alright, anonymous. How do you really feel about the world?” Look, I have a lot of hot takes but
um, there was this video actually. It was over the Thanksgiving holiday,
did you guys see it? Of that one guy at the Thanksgiving table
and he had a bunch of hot takes. Did you see this on Twitter? Just play it real quick. Let’s say there was a like, apex predator like
Bigfoot, there wouldn’t be, like thousands of them. There would only be a few. Aliens are an absolute certainty. In an ever expanding universe,
the probability of human life– You can agree, humans exist, right? You’re here, ’kay? That probability’s so low. How about Jeffrey Epstein? Did you see, like the two cops, the two
prison guards got arrested for– yeah. Why do, why do people enjoy swimming pools? Go to, go to the beach. Russia… Russia interfered in the elections. A hundred percent. So I was on Twitter and I’m like, “This guy’s
incredible, he needs to do Deep Cuts with me.” I went down the rabbit hole I’m like,
“Who is he? His name’s Bashir. Alright, find Bashir– there’s a lot of Bashirs.” And I found him. And he came to the taping! This is Bashir. This is the dude. This is what Deep Cuts is all about. It’s just pure passion, no evidence to back it up. Bashir, what’s up man, how are you? – (I’m doing well, man.)
– Thank you for coming from D.C., man. Did you– did you know that this clip
was just gonna go crazy like this? (Oh, not at all.) Really? (Yeah.) Did you know your sister was recording you? (Not until like– I mean, that was like an
hour and a half conversation she cut up.) (It was the whole dinner.) My favorite part was when you’re just,
you’re just like, “There are definitely aliens.” “Think of the statistical probability of us
being here. You believe we’re here, right?” I’m like, that is such, that is such– (I had to convince them.) “This is real, right?” Oh my God. And then I know– Are those your
family members around you? (Yeah.) Like cousins and stuff like that? The burly bearded dude is like
a cousin, right, or something like that? (Uh, it’s my brother.) That’s your brother? (Yeah.) I could so tell like, he’s the one who’s
like– He’s sat, he was just like– Your mom’s reaction was incredible. Is she just tired of it? (Uh, you know, she’s learned to love me.) Alright, look, I gotta ask you– I wanna
hear about some of your hot takes, okay? (I’m in.) Here we go. Um, this is from the video. What’s your take on aliens in Area 51? (Aliens are out there, hundred percent.) (I don’t know about Area 51. I don’t
trust the government. You shouldn’t.) (But like, mathematically, Fermi’s
Paradox like, read into it.) (Like, mathematically it’s a certainty.
It’s all but a certainty.) What do you mean it’s all but a certainty? (The universe is ever expanding.) Okay. (And we are here.) Yeah, yeah, yeah. (So like, at the… so.) Bro, that was such– That was such
like a Middle Eastern uncle move. Go ahead. We’re here, yeah, I believe it. (So there’s at least one chance, one outcome
where it has worked in the whole universe.) Uh huh. (And if it’s, like, ever expanding, it’s going
to happen again if it hasn’t already.) I believe it, look I believe it. It’s like, I believe it but I also– it’s a 50/50. (Well see, there’s a space force now.) Yeah… – (Government’s making that, I’m just saying.)
– Yeah, yeah. That’s never gonna happen, man, come on. Apex predators? (So that’s Bigfoot. So, Bigfoot…) Wait, wait, wait. Bigfoot is– is called an apex predator? (He is a apex predator.) (One of them.) What are the other ones? (I don’t know, humans and sharks.) We’re an apex predator? – (Giant squids.)
– You’re gonna put Bigfoot and humans on the same level? For real? (I’m sorry, Mom.) (Um, like, but it’s just something that
like, it’s the top of the food chain.) (And the reasoning to why Bigfoot
exists tying it to apex predators is that’s why we don’t necessarily like, see
the fossils or know for sure it’s around.) (Like there wouldn’t be a lot of them.) (Like, only a few would survive.) (Dude, tell me why there’s a Yeti and a Sasquatch?) (Like, like the myth is like, throughout the world.) What? For real? What do you mean there is a Yeti and a Sasquatch? Singular? There’s one? – (Like, yeah, like the story.)
– Like, “Ah, you gotta go to Beijing, they have the Yeti there.” What do you mean by that? (Like, like, the stories like, lasted
through like different cultures.) – Sure.
– (Like, Pacific Northwest of the U.S.) Okay. (And then like, out in like, Southern Southeast Asia.) Yes. (It’s there in like Nepal and whatnot.) Yeah. So mermaids exist, too? (Vampires. Yeah.) Vampires? Shut– Come on! Alright, swimming pools are better than the beach. (Yo, that’s, that’s the most important.) (Yeah, swimming pools are horrible.) Why, why are they horrible? (Alright, it’s– It’s a hole in the ground
with bodily fluids and like, dead skin that you have to like chemically
treat to make them usable.) – (Like, just use the ocean.)
– Versus the ocean? – (The ocean at least–)
– Has whale– it has whale shit in it, it has fish shit in it. (Trillions and trillions of gallons of water.) So you’re done– Did you have a bad
experience with swimming pools? (My dad was obsessed with pools.) (We’d go like, like South Carolina, we’d be
like five minutes from the beach.) (And he’d insist we’d go to like
spend the day at the pool. Like…) So just say that. Alright, what’s your take on bread bowls? (Uh, amazing. I love them.) They’re great. That’s a great one, yeah. Bread bowls are legit. They’re very divisive though, people are like, “Fuck
bread bowls, it’s too much bread, not enough soup.” (Penicillin, iPhones, bread bowls. Same–) Penicillin, iPhones, and bread bowls? (Greatest inventions ever.) What? That’s incredible, man. Uh, dudes who wear backwards hats. (I get it, like they’re douchebags
or whatever. Like, fuckboys.) (I ran my student government campaign in college with
like a backwards cap as like the approachable guy.) (Like, we won, so like, I can’t like, shit on it too much.) That was how you– What school did you go to? (University of Cincinnati. Go Bearcats.) So that’s how you, you’re like,
“I have to connect to Ohio voters.” Put on a backwards cap. Really? And you won? (Barely.) By 60 votes? But, but, University of– That’s dope, dude. So you won president? (Yeah.) You’re a Muslim president. (Yeah.) Are you serious? That’s gangster. You pulled it off? (Yeah, yeah.) Dude, you did what– Damn, and
you didn’t even have to like, Barack it. Like, “Ah, no I’m not.” (No, no. I was the opposite.) Barack, come home. Come home. Baby Yoda. Baby Yoda. (Oh, dude, I’d die for Baby Yoda.) – You’d die?
– (I didn’t get it til I saw the show.) You would die for Baby Yoda? (I mean, I’d kill for Baby Yoda.) You’re like, “I don’t wanna take my life.
I would commit manslaughter.” Alright, these were takes that you sent us. (Alright.) You sent our producers. High top tables suck. (They’re the worst.) (I mean you mentioned it during
the Patriot Act like, about stools.) Stools are bullshit. – (Dude, first of all, you’re a tall guy.)
– Stools are fuckin’ garbage. (Imagine, most people are shorter than you.) (It’s height-ist. High top tables.) What?! (You ever at a high top table you drop something you
gotta get, like, down like do a whole thing, like…) Alright, The Office is a depressing TV show,. (Yeah, yeah I don’t like The Office.) Yeah, yeah, come on! The Office?! Steve Carrell. That version? (Steve Carrell’s awesome. Sure the writers
are great, I never got into it from the beginning.) (But you’re telling me like you’re gonna
take The Office over 30 Rock?) – (Like, Parks and Rec, Seinfeld?)
– (Yeah.) (Unbelievable. Alright, whatever. You guys are sad.) Convince them! Convince them! Don’t let them bully you! Make this your fuckin’ Thanksgiving table. Tell us why The Office is depressing. (Alright, alright. So, in TV shows you want
to like, see, like the optimal like, life or laugh or like, see whatever that like,
you would enjoy for yourself.) (You’re telling me you want to
sell paper for the rest of your life?) (You want like a boss that like, is pretty like,
incompetent and you just like, laugh at him?) (Like, it’s a sad show when you
get down to the nitty gritty.) Did you like Breaking Bad? (I never saw Breaking Bad.) Did you like, did you like Game of Thrones? (Yeah.) Okay– So motherfuckers are dying. We’re talking about, there’s incest and dragons. (But there’s like–) And you’re like, “Yeah, the job you want.” Are you serious? (I’d ride a dragon.) “Was it a tough decision to go back to
the original pronunciation of Hasan? I wrote my college essay on my name,
so I thought it was super interesting.” Oh wow, that’s heavy. This is from, this you, Prav? You wrote your whole college essay– my lookalike? Yeah, but what’s– Is your name Prav? That’s it? Yeah. So, what do you do? So what do you do, you hit it with the full– For me it was like this– Like, I remember when I first started comedy. At the first open mics, there was this host–
You’d write your name down and he’s like, “Look man nobody’s gonna be able to pronounce
this, you gotta change your name.” And I legit thought it was like a real thing. He’s like, “Come on man, you think there’s
a guy named Jamie Foxx, he changed his name.” And he did. So for like, two months, I would go
to open mics and I was Sean. And I’m like, “Dude, what am I doing?” Legit I was like, “I’m Sean, right?” Yeah. Like, “Hey what’s up guys, I’m Sean,” right? You know what I mean? And then I remember, I kept trying to negotiate, right? So I was like, all right, Hasan, people
can pronounce Hasan. And um, I don’t know, it just got weirder and weirder. You know, I met so many people, um, a lot of people
even in the Southeast Asian community you’ll have people who are like, “This is my
Chinese name, this is my American name.” But I’m like dude, “Fuck that. Your name’s your name.” And then there’s people like in my
community like, there’s Bobby Jindal. I’m like, “Bro, your name’s not Bobby.” Your name’s Piyush, right? But he went from Piyush and he just took a hard
right and he’s like, “Ahh, can’t do that, Bobby.” It was like, we had like, an uncle in our
community, his name was Iqbal. But then one time he picked up his cellphone
and he’s like, “Hello this is Alex.” And I’m like, “Who the fuck is Alex?” And um, but I would always have that like open mic host in my head,
like, “Oh, you gotta do it to make it,” and all that stuff. And I remember being at Ellen, and my parents
drove down from Sacramento to be there. Like, Mom and Dad are sitting there,
I’ve been doing comedy fifteen years. And Ellen’s just like, “Hey Hasan!” I looked in the audience, my mom’s kinda
sitting like, right where you guys are. She kinda cringed. You know, she left the VA, checked
out of work, “Hey, I’m sick.” Drives down to see her son on Ellen
and she’s like, “Hasan Minhaj.” And my mom who gave me
that name is just like, “Eugh.” And I’m like, dude what am I doing? Like, I have a show with my fuckin’ name
on it and I’m still being like, “It’s with Sean!” You know? And so I was like, “Alright, Ellen,
just let’s do this right now.” ’Cause we can pronounce Timothée Chalamet,
so we’re gonna do this right now. And so, you know I just had her do it. And uh, I didn’t know it would be
this like, viral moment or whatever. But I remember my dad when we drove
home, he was super pissed at me. He’s like, “Hasan, you wasted your chance.
You had seven minutes with her, for four minutes you’re correcting her.
Why are you doing this?” And I think that’s like the big difference between
our generation and our parents’ generation. They’re always trying to survive. And I mean survival is the thing so
just go by whatever she calls you. And that’s cool, I think when Dad, you know,
when he came in ’82 he survived for us. But I’m trying to live. I mean I’m trying to like, “Yo, Muhammad
Ali, say my name. Like, say it.” So, I’m gonna go on Ellen, the most American
show ever, and make you hit all the syllables. I mean that’s like… for me. Alright, thank you guys. I appreciate you.
ALSO NEXT WEEKS, WE MIGHT TELL
SOME JOKES ABOUT DONALD TRUMP. BUT WE’LL SEE. WE’RE LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT
DONALD TRUMP AND HERE’S THE BEST THING, WE’RE LEARNING THINGS
FROM CRUMP DONALD TRUMP. HE’S TEACHING US. FOR INSTANCE, HE’S TEACHING US
THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS PRESIDENTS DO THAT WE ALL
ASSUMED ARE LAWS BUT ARE ACTUALLY JUST NORMS WE GOT USED
TO FROM PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS, LIKE THE ONE WHERE YOU WIN BY
GETTING THE MOST VOTES. NOT A LAW. I’M GOING TO EXPLAIN THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORM AND A LAW IN OUR NEW SEGMENT, “NORM OR
LAW?” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY, HERE’S THE DEAL. HERE’S HOW IT WORKS. IT’S NOTOO COMPLICATED. IF I DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT’S
A NORM, LIKE HOLDING THE DOOR FOR SOMEONE AT STARBUCKS, YOU’LL
>>Stephen: IF INSTEAD I DESCRIBE SOMETHING THAT IS A
LAW, LIKE NOT HOLDING SOMEONE HOSTAGE IN STARBUCKS, YOU’LL
HEAR THIS: ( “LAW&ORDER” THEME )
>>Stephen: FIRST UP, UNLIKE EVERY OTHER CANDIDATE FOR THE
PAST 40 YEARS, DONALD TRUMP REFUSED TO RELEASE HIS TAX
RETURNS, AND WE NEED TO SEE A PRESIDENT’S TAX RETURNS TO KNOW
IF HE’S A CROOK. FUN FACT, THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO
RELEASE HIS TAXES SAID THIS:>>I AM NOT A CROOK.>>Stephen: FUN FACT: CROOK. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IS A CANDIDATE RELEASING HIS TAX RETURNAISE NORM OR A LAW?>>NORM!>>Stephen: YES, IT’S JUST A
NORM. AND HERE’S THE CRAZY PART:
WHILE THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T HAVE TO RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS,
CABINET AND SUBCABINET-LEVEL POSITIONS ARE REQUIRED TO SUBMIT
THEIR TAX RETURNS TO THE SENATE. SO, LOWER LEVEL POSITIONS ARE
HELD TO A HIGHER STANDARD THAN THE PRESIDENT. THAT’S LIKE WALKING INTO A
RESTAURANT BATHROOM, AND THE SIGN SAYS, “ALL EMPLOYEES MUST
WASH HANDS, EXCEPT THE CHEF.” ( LAUGHTER )
DISTURBING. DISTURBING.( APPLAUSE )
NEXT UP ON “NORM OR LAW?,” TRUMPIS THE RICHEST MAN EVER TO BE
PRESIDENT, WHICH IS QUITE AN ACHIEVEMENT CONSIDERING SEVERAL
OF THE FIRST ONES HAD “UNPAID FARMING INTERNS.” THAT’S TRUE. I DIDN’T MAKE THAT UP. SO WILL TRUMP USE THE PRESIDENCY
TO HELP HIS BUSINESS? PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS SOLD OFF
THEIR INVESTMENTS OR PUT THEM IN SOMETHING CALLED A BLIND TRUST,
WHICH I BELIEVE IS ALSO THE SLOGAN ON TRUMP’S NEW HAT. SO, TRUMP’S GOING TO DO THE SAME
BECAUSE THAT’S THE LAW, RIGHT?>>NORM!>>Stephen: NOPE, IT’S JUST A
NORM. TURNS OUT, “THE STRICT FEDERAL
RULES ABOUT FINANCIAL CONFLICTS OF INTEREST DO NOT APPLY TO THE
PRESIDENT, WHOSE INCENTIVE TO AVOID SELF-ENRICHMENT IS SIMPLY
ASSUMED.” YES, IT’S ASSUMED. AND WHEN YOU ASSUME ABOUT TRUMP,
IT MAKES AN ASS OUT OF YOU AND ME
( APPLAUSE ) AND, AND, I THINK WE KNOW WHO’S
GRABBING THAT ASS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP’S COMPANIES ARE ALL OVER THE WORLD. IS THERE ANY LAW STOPPING
FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS FROM THROWING BUSINESS HIS WAY TO GET
SPECIAL TREATMENT, OR IS IT JUST A NORM? ( “LAW&ORDER “THEME.>>Stephen: OH, THANK GOD. AND THIS ONE’S IN THE
CONSTITUTION. THEM’S THE BIG LAWS. IT’S CALLED THE EMOLUMENTS
CLAUSE, WHICH IS A FANCY WORD FOR “BRIBE.” THE FOUNDERS KNEW THAT EVEN
HONEST PEOPLE MIGHT BETRAY THEIR VALUES FOR CASH. IT’S HUMAN NATURE. JUST LIKE IT’S HUMAN NATURE TO
ENJOY THE GREAT TASTE OF ACTIVIA YOGURT. MMM-MMM-MMM. ACTIVIA. BE RIGHT BACK. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SO WHAT ABOUT DAILY INTELLIGENCE
BRIEFINGS? IT’S CRUCIAL FOR THE COMMANDER
IN CHIEF TO BE CONSTANTLY UPDATED ON THREATS AROUND THE
WORLD, BUT SO FAR, TRUMP HAS BEEN OPTING OUT OF THEM. THAT’S RIGHT, HE’S JUST “OPTING
OUT.” DONALD TRUMP IS TREATING OUR
NATIONAL SECURITY LIKE I TREAT EMAILS FROM POTTERY BARN. “STOP NUCLEAR PROLIFERATION? UNSUBSCRIBE!”
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT YOGURT IS REALLY GOOD. ( LAUGHTER )
SO IS REFUSING TO BE INFORMED VIOLATING A NORM OR LAW?>>NORM!>>Stephen: YEP. BUT DON’T WORRY. ACCORDING TO TRUMP ADVISOR
KELLYANNE CONWAY, INSTEAD OF BRIEFINGS FROM THE C.I.A., TRUMP
GETS HIS INFORMATION FROM “A NUMBER OF SOURCES” INCLUDING
“HIS PERSONAL AND ON-THE-PHONE MEETINGS WITH OVER WHAT’S NOW 41
WORLD LEADERS.” FIRST OF ALL, KELLYANNE, NO ONE
SAYS “OVER FRUN.” YOU CAN SAY “OVER 40” OR “ALMOST
50,” BUT WHEN YOU SAY “OVER 41,” WE ALL KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO
MAKE 42 SOUND BIGGER. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THERE’S A REASON PRESIDENTS DON’T GET NEWS ABOUT OTHER
COUNTRIES FROM THOSE COUNTRIES’ LEADERS. FOREIGN LEADERS LIE. LIKE FIDEL CASTRO, WHO, UNTIL
LAST WEEK, WOULD NOT ADMIT THAT HE WAS DEAD. WELL, THAT’S IT FOR THIS EDITION
OF “NORM OR LAW,” BUT I HAVE A FEELING WE’LL LEARN A LOT MORE
ABOUT WHAT’S TECHNICALLY LEGAL OVER THE NEXT FEW YEARS– FOR
INSTANCE, WHETHER WE KEEP THE NORM THAT AMERICA HAS LAWS.
-Before we get into
“SVU” stuff — congrats and everything — I want to talk about
Ice-T quickly. I don’t know
if you heard this, but there was a big… covfefe on Twitter about you
never having a bagel before. Never…
-Yeah, true. -You’ve never eaten a bagel? -I had never eaten a bagel. I’ve eaten one
since then. But what happened was,
on the show, they wanted me
to eat a bagel. I said,
“I don’t eat bagels.” So… [ Laughter ] But it was in the script. So, you know,
I just did it. -Yeah.
-So, then, somebody… But I acted like I ate it.
I didn’t eat it. So, then, on Twitter,
somebody goes, “Why that kind of bagel?” I said, “Because it was
in the script.” Then, they said,
“What’s your favorite?” And I said,
“I’ve never had a bagel.” And then, everybody lost
their Goddamn mind. [ Laughter ] And then, I said,
“I’ve never had coffee, either.” So, I don’t know why that’s
so hard for people to believe. -…two weird things.
One is that you’ve never had a bagel bef–
-Why? Why? Look. Look.
I’m from South Central. Could you imagine Snoop singing,
“Rolling down the street smoking indo,
eating some lox and bagels”? [ Laughter ] It don’t work.
-You never know. -That’s not how it
happened for me. It didn’t happen
like that for me. -I understand. But through your life,
you’ve been on sets. I’m assuming there’s food
on the sets. -There’s a lot of stuff
I won’t eat on the set. I just never ate one.
So, I ate one the other day. I did an actual commercial
for a dating site called “Coffee Meets Bagel,”
or something. And — and —
and basically, I ate one. And it tasted like —
one bite, it felt like I ate
a loaf of bread. [ Laughter ] Why would I eat
an unsweetened doughnut? I’m okay with it.
Coffee’s cool. I’m good.
I like jelly doughnuts. Let’s keep it moving. [ Laughter ] -It’s all wrapped up. -I know,
but I’m interested in this. What’s your thought
on coffee? Just so we don’t have to ever
talk about it again,
what was your thoughts — -Black coffee —
why would someone do that to themselves? Okay? [ Laughter ] They put some cream.
They put a little sugar in it. I got it. It’s cool. I prefer tea —
not because my name is Ice-T. I just prefer tea. [ Laughter ] Black people like sweet stuff,
just in case you didn’t know. We don’t drink unsweetened tea,
stuff like that. White people do that.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] Black people like
sweet things. -Yeah, but —
-Can I live? -Yes. You can definitely live.
-Can I live? -I don’t know why everyone
freaked out, either, but just, it sounded
very interesting. -Okay, talk to Mariska
about that other stuff. -Uh… Mariska… you’ve had a bagel before?
No, I’m just kidding. -I have to say — I couldn’t
believe that anybody cared. I didn’t understand why people
cared if Ice had a bagel or not. -It’s just fun.
-Is it? -It’s fun. -Have you ever had a sardine?
-Yeah. -I love sardines.
-Some people — My wife had never eaten
a cheeseburger till she was 31. And then, I go,
“‘Cause she was a vegetarian.” And they go,
“Oh, I understand.” [ Laughter ] Some old dumb — listen. Eat what you want to eat. -Oh, my gosh.
-I’ve eaten a lot of things. -I don’t think
you’re over it yet. [ Laughter ] -We brought a therapist
on to the show. -[ Mumbles ] Let’s talk about you guys,
first of all. What was your first impression
of Ice-T when you first met him? -Well, I was so nervous
to meet Ice-T, ’cause he was a rapper.
He was OG. He was, like, the man.
He was the rapper. And so — I didn’t even know
what OG meant back in the day. [ Laughter ] But I was excited about it. “The og is coming.
The og is coming.” -“The og.”
You don’t pronounce it — -It took you guys minutes.
-You don’t pronounce it “og.” -How do you mean?
How you mean? I’m not following. -You don’t pronounce “the og.” So, he came on the show, and
he was the sweetest, kindest, most open — we call him
“the philosopher” on the show. And it was… such a joy,
and it’s been for 20 years, and an education, for me.
-Yeah. -He’s taught me about
so many things, and… -Good for you.
-Yeah. Really. I mean, really.
-20 years. -We’re very fortunate,
you know, to be on a show that, you know,
everyone likes each other. Everyone gets along. 20 years is a long time,
and you know, it’s… a very cool
work environment. Mariska’s the best. -Do you feel that way —
’cause at first, did you think you were gonna
work on the show for 20 years? -I came on for 4 episodes.
-Wow. -Yeah. And then, they —
then, they kiss-kick you. They go,
“Well, we don’t know if you’re working out
with Belzer.” You know,
“We don’t know.” And then, they go,
“But we’d like you to stay.” And I’m like, “Well, you try
getting along with Belzer in four episodes.”
You know? [ Laughter ] And so, then,
they asked me to stay. And I’ve been there,
and I’m happy, and I’m not going nowhere
till she’s gone. -We’re sticking together.
-You’ve got to stick together. -We’re sticking together. -You work great —
you work well together. Why stop it?
-We do. It’s been so — It’s just been such a crazy
surprise journey and gift. -You’re one season away —
one year away — from being the longest
running drama in the history
of television. -Yeah.
-In history. [ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah.
-I mean, if… If you guys do that,
how cool will that be? -So cool. Yeah. -It’s cool. -Whoa.
[ Stammers ] Oh, it’s gonna be
that cool. [ Cheers and applause ] You’ve never had a bagel,
but you’ve been wearing a reverseable jacket
the whole time. That is cool, right there.
Come on. It’s gonna be great,
and I just… Thank you for all
the entertainment, and all the cool things.
We love you guys.
WELCOME TO THE “LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. MAN, WINTER IS HERE.>>Jon: IT’S HERE.>>Stephen: EVERYBODY OKAY? EVERYBODY WARM ENOUGH?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: IT’S FREEZING. IT’S LIKE SIBERIA OUT THERE, AND
NOT JUST BECAUSE OUR NEW LEADER IS VLADIMIR PUTIN. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHICH — EVERYBODY’S SAYING THAT RUSSIA
HACKED OUR ELECTION, SO, TODAY, SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN HELD A
HEARING WITH THE HEADS OF THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY. MCCAIN MADE IT CLEAR THE PURPOSE
OF THE HEARING WAS TO INVESTIGATE CYBER SECURITY, AND
NOT TO, “QUESTION THE OUTCOME OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.” YES, NOBODY’S QUESTIONING THE
OUTCOME. JUST QUESTIONING WHY GOD LETS
BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GREAT NATIONS. WHAT DID WE DO?! WE’RE SORRY! WE’RE SORRY! ( APPLAUSE )
REPORTERS ASKED IF MCCAIN HAS SHARED HIS CONCERNS ABOUT RUSSIA
WITH THE PRESIDENT-ELECT.>>SENATOR MCCAIN, HAVE YOU
DETERMINED WHY THE PRESIDENT-ELECT DOESN’T SHARE
THE SAME CONCERNS ABOUT RUSSIA AS MANY REPUBLICANS LIKE
YOURSELF ON CAPITOL HILL?>>NO, I DON’T KNOW. I HAVEN’T TALKED TO HIM.>>Stephen: YEAH, HASN’T
CAULKED TO HIM. MCCAIN’S JUST CHAIRMAN OF THE
SENATE ARMED SERVICES COMMITTEE. TRUMP’S TALKING TO THE IMPORTANT
PEOPLE, LIKE SENATOR KANYE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: AND AT THE HEARING TODAY, EVERY HEAD OF THE U.S. INTELLIGENCE
AGENCIES TESTIFIED THAT RUSSIA WAS UNEQUIVOCALLY BEHIND THE
ELECTION HACK. BUT INSTEAD OF U.S. AGENCIES, UP
TILL NOW, TRUMP HAS BEEN TRUSTING WIKILEAKS FOUNDER AND
MIDDLE-AGED DRACO MALFOY, JULIAN ASSANGE. BUT THIS MORNING TRUMP TRIED TO
DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM ASSANGE, TWEETING, “THE DISHONEST MEDIA
LIKES SAYING THAT I AM IN AGREEMENT WITH JULIAN ASSANGE. WRONG. I SIMPLY STATE WHAT HE STATES,
IT IS FOR THE PEOPLE…” ( DEEP BREATH )
“…TO MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS AS TO THE TRUTH. THE MEDIA LIES TO MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE I AM AGAINST ‘INTELLIGENCE’ WHEN IN FACT I AM A BIG FAN!”
YES, BIG FAN! SUPER FAN! SUPER FAN! YES, DONALD TRUMP LOVES
INTELLIGENCE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, “IF
YOU LOVE SOMETHING, LET IT GO.” ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S TRUE LEADERSHIP. I JUST TYPE ANY CLAIM YOU HEAR
AND LET PEOPLE DECIDE WHAT’S TRUE: “BILLY TOLD ME IF A BOY
AND A GIRL TOUCH BUTTS, THE GIRL GETS PREGNANT. TRUE? YOU DECIDE! SAD!”
( LAUGHTER )>>Jon: OH, OH.>>Stephen: NOT TRUE. THAT’S NOT TRUE, JON. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. YOU’VE GOT TO SHAKE HANDS, TOO. OR DO CIRCLE DOT COOTIE SHOT,
YOU’RE FINE.>>Jon: I THOUGHT IT WAS THE
STORK THAT COMES OUT.>>Stephen: YOU BELIEVE THE
STORK THING?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: NO, THEY’RE
EXTINCT.>>Jon: WOW.>>Stephen: IT’S SAD. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT WHERE WERE WE? OH, TRUMP. BUT HERE’S WHAT’S ALSO WEIRD
ABOUT TRUMP’S ASSANGE TWEET. HE TWEETED THE FIRST PART OF
THIS SENTENCE AT 8:25 A.M., BUT FINISHED THE THOUGHT 20 MINUTES
LATER. ( LAUGHTER )
HOW CAN HE HAVE PLAN FOR AMERICA WHEN HE DOESN’T HAVE A PLAN FOR
THE END OF THE SENTENCE? MR. TRUMP, IT’S TIME TO GET OFF
TWITTER AND STOP BEING SUCH A WHINY MOTHER… I’LL FINISH THAT WORD IN ABOUT
TWENTY MINUTES. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ♪
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THE HACKING OF OUR DEMOCRACY, LET’S GET TO THE
BIG NEWS. FORMER AMERICAN IDOL RUNNER-UP,
BO BICE, SAYS HE WAS CALLED “WHITE BOY” AT POPEYE’S. THAT IS SHOCKING. THE ONLY APPROPRIATE TIME TO
CALL SOMEONE “WHITE BOY” IS WHEN YOU’RE INSTRUCTING THEM TO PLAY
THAT FUNKY MUSIC. (“PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC”)
♪ THAT’S AS FUNKY AS I CAN GET. I CAN FUNK ONE WORD — HEY!>>Jon: YEAH!>>Stephen: REALLY GOOD SONG. BASED ON A TRUE STORY. ( LAUGHTER )
APPARENTLY, BICE WAS IN THE ATLANTA AIRPORT WAITING FOR HIS
ORDER AT POPEYE’S — I’M GOING TO SAY “BUTTERFLY SHRIMP
TACKLEBOX”– WHEN, ACCORDING TO BICE, “THE THREE LADIES BEHIND
THE COUNTER ASKED WHOSE FOOD IT WAS. JUST WHEN I TURNED AROUND, ONE
OF THEM SAID ‘THAT WHITE BOY.’ IF TABLES HAD BEEN TURNED AND I
USED SOMETHING AS INSENSITIVE LIKE THAT, I WOULD BE BOYCOTTED. PEOPLE WOULDN’T BUY MY ALBUMS.” AND I DON’T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE
A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE DON’T BUY BO BICE ALBUMS. ( LAUGHTER )
NO! BICE IS UPSET, BUT IT’S HARD TO
TELL.>>AND THE FACT THAT I’VE GOT TO
SIT ON TV AND COME DOWN A NOTCH AND LOOK LIKE A PETTY LITTLE
BRAT BY TWEETING AND FACEBOOKING THIS JUST TO OPEN UP DIALOG SO
WE CAN HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION IS RIDICULOUS —
AND AMERICA, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.>>STEPHEN: YEAH, AMERICA. ( LAUGHTER )
ALL OF YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF WHAT THREE WOMEN WORKING AT
POPEYE’S DID. HOW DARE ALL OF YOU FORCE BO
BICE TO LOOK LIKE A PETTY LITTLE BRAT BY TWEETING AND FACEBOOKING
AND GOING ON TV TO CRY! I MEAN, WHAT OTHER CHOICE DID HE
HAVE? NOT BE ON TV? NO! YOU KNOW WHAT? HERE’S WHAT UPSETS ME MOST —
YOU PEOPLE AT POPEYE’S SHOULD KNOW HIS NAME. THAT’S BO BICE. YOU’RE AT A POPEYE’S. YOU SHOULD CALL HIM SOMETHING
FUN LIKE “RED BEANS AND BICE!” OR “BO BISCUITS!” OR “THE
AMERICAN FRY-DOL!” NOW, I AM WHITE AND I AM A BOY. I’M ABOUT THE WHITEST BOY YOU’RE
EVER GOING TO MEET. JOHN, HAVE YOU MET ANYBODY
WHITER THAN ME?>>Jon: YEAH, I THINK I KNOW
SOMEBODY.>>Stephen: WHO?>>Jon: A GUY I GREW UP WITH.>>Stephen: WHAT’S HIS NAME.>>Jon: ANDY.>>Stephen: YOU KNOW ANDY,
THAT WHITE GUY?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: WE MEET AT THE
WHITE MEETING. YEAH, I KNOW ANDY. ( LAUGHTER )
I JUST WANT TO SAY, POPEYE’S, CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT —
WHITE BOY, NINO BLANCO, COMMANDER MAYONNAISE — WHATEVER
— ANDY — JUST WHENEVER MY ORDER IS READY, GET THE
BUTTERFLY SHRIMP INTO THE CHEW HOLE! ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHITE BOYS, UTAH. ANY UTAH FANS HERE? ( ONE OR TWO CHEERING )
>>Stephen: THAT’S ABOUT RIGHT. ARE THERE ANY PORN FANS HERE? ( CHEERING )
WELL, BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE UTAH STATE SENATOR TODD WEILER
HAS ANNOUNCED A BILL THAT WILL GIVE PEOPLE THE ABILITY TO SUE
PORNOGRAPHERS, IN AN ATTEMPT TO PROVE THAT WATCHING THEIR
PRODUCT CAUSES EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE. FINALLY, IT’S WELL-KNOWN THAT
PORN CAUSES PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE. MOSTLY FOR THE PIZZA DELIVERY
GUY, WHO JUST WANTS TO DO HIS JOB AND DELIVER THE PIE. LADIES, FOR THE LAST TIME, IT’S
NOT A EUPHEMISM — EXTRA SAUSAGE IS JUST A TOPPING! SENATOR WEILER SAYS THE PORN
INDUSTRY IS A PUBLIC MENACE AND SHOULD BE OPEN TO LAWSUITS
BECAUSE, RIGHT NOW, PORN IS AVAILABLE WITHOUT ANY WARNINGS
AND LABELING. IT’S TRUE. IT IS TIME TO LABEL PORN! HOW ELSE WILL PEOPLE FIND
“MATURE REDHEADS ON FARM EQUIPMENT,” OR “SEXY LADY
BLACKSMITHS?” POINT IS, IF THIS BILL PASSES,
PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO SUE THE PORN INDUSTRY FOR DAMAGES, AND
LAWYERS ARE ALREADY STANDING BY TO HELP. I SAW THIS AD TODAY. LET ME SEE IF I’VE STILL GOT IT
ON THE OLD T BILL.>>HI THERE. HAS THIS HAPPENED THE TO YOU? YOU’RE ENJOYING A CLASSIC FILM
ABOUT SORORITY SLUT HOUSE ONLY FOR IT TO TURN OUT THE TO BE
PORN AND YOU SUFFER EMOTIONAL TRAUMA?>>WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE
SOMETIMES THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY. YOU NEED TO CALL GALINO AND
FARNS. OUR TRIAL ATTORNEYS ARE TRAINED
TO DEAL WITH ALL TYPES OF PORNOGRAPHY. INCLUDING THERMAL INVERSION.>>THE SCORPIONS REUNION TOUR. BIG BANG THEORY. GIRL ON GIRL. UY. DUCK ON HORSE. MUSTARD ON HOT DOG. AND OF COURSE, MALCOLM IN THE
MIDDLE. SO PICK UP THE PHONE WITH YOUR
FREE HAND, DON’T MASTER WAIT. CALL TODAY! ♪ PORNOGRAPHY ATTORNEYS ♪
♪ 1-800-69 ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR TONIGHT. ADAM DRIVER IS HERE! SO STICK AROUND.