Why Your Internet Sucks | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix


If you’re watching this right now,
you have functioning Internet, and you’re probably also on the phone.
You’re reading Twitter. You’re scrolling through Reddit
while you’re driving to work. And you’re not gonna look up
until I say the keywords -like Drake, Jordans or Narendra Modi. But I understand why you’re distracted. The Internet is so hard to put down. The Internet is a drug. The digital cocaine of our time. “Electronic cocaine” or “digital heroin.” Some folks call it “Internet crack.” I can’t survive. I’m an addict. I gotta have my Wi-Fi, man. You don’t have to be like,
“The Internet is meth! It’s digital black tar heroin,
Snapchat is El Chapo.” We get it. The Internet is addictive, but we forget
not everyone has access to it. It’s something we take for granted. That’s what I want to focus on tonight,
Internet inequality. Millions of Americans are denied access
to the Internet, and the U.S. government is making it worse. Even presidential candidates
want to fix this and make it a part of their campaign. We improve the infrastructure.
We improve broadband. Rural broadband. Lightening fast broadband. Universal broadband. We have a problem with broadband
where people cannot start businesses in their hometown or finish
their education after high school
because they can’t get online. They can’t go to Tinder and find a date
tonight, to find that special person who’s gonna make the difference
in their lives. Beto’s like, “Look, Bernie’s not out here
fighting for your pleasure. He thinks orgasms are for the 1%. I’m out here fighting
for your right to fuck.” By the way,
you missed the best part of that video. Look at the dude in the bottom left. Because they can’t get online. They can go to Tinder and find a date tonight,
to find that special person. who’s going to make a difference
in their lives. He’s like, “Oh, my God.
Why didn’t I support Elizabeth Warren?” This digital divide hits poor
and rural Americans the hardest. 30% of rural Americans
don’t have broadband access. And when I say broadband, I am talking about fixed broadband. The kind where that, you know, the sweaty dude
in cargo pants comes into your apartment and plugs stuff in. Which is different
from mobile broadband, like 4G, which is basically your cell phone.
People mix up fixed and 4G all the time. It’s like Charlie Hunnam
and Garrett Hedlund. They do the same thing for you,
but they are, in fact, different. The Internet is an essential utility.
It’s like electricity or water. Now, let’s be real,
if you had to fuck, marry, kill: electricity, water, and the Internet… …you would definitely marry
the Internet, and you would fuck electricity
just for the thrill. I mean the socket’s right there,
you go for it. Don’t act like you wouldn’t. But I’m serious. Listen, we rely on the Internet
in critical ways you may not realize. Like, when you need to see
a doctor immediately. It’s faster for us
to always use tele-neurology, because our physicians
are not 24 hours a day in the building. And so we can actually get a physician
to the bedside of a patient within three to six minutes. Every minute that we waste is potentially more brain function
that’s lost. This is the future. Everything is happening online:
health care, housing, employment, safety, and especially education. About three million kids
across the country have trouble completing their homework
because they don’t have adequate Internet. That’s why some people are taking
extreme steps to solve the problem. Like in California’s Coachella Valley. We started thinking about, “Hey,
we have a hundred buses here, why not put routers on the buses and park them
where there’s no connectivity?” “Eight Wi-Fi buses are now left
overnight in various neighborhoods. The graduation rate in Coachella
is now up 8%, with even more students
on the road to success.” Kids have to get their Internet
from parked buses. How is there a new thing
to hate in Coachella? Buses aren’t even the weirdest place
where people have to get Wi-Fi. You’ll see kids
just sitting outside a McDonald’s, buying french fries
’cause it’s the cheapest thing on the menu for 50 cents
and then connecting to the Wi-Fi and doing their homework
in the parking lot. The story I heard in northern Minnesota
of a doctor who while he could get Wi-Fi
at the hospital, he couldn’t get it at his house. So, when he had emergency calls,
he would go to the McDonald’s parking lot. This is wrong. When I was growing up, the McDonald’s parking lot
was for cooking meth or making out, that’s it. Illicit drugs or teenage pregnancy.
It was a simpler time. And now, there’s just a full-on
underground society there? There’s McDonald’s doctors,
McDonald’s students, and to keep order, the McDonald’s
Secret Police led by Grimace. Trust me, he’s seen some shit. Now the reason a lot of Americans
can’t get on the Internet has to do with Internet service providers,
or ISPs. These are five of the biggest ISPs
in the country. They all provide broadband Internet, but companies like Verizon,
Sprint, and AT&T are heavily investing
in their mobile networks. So, if you want fixed broadband at home, you’ll probably have to deal
with one of two companies, okay? Comcast and Charter.
Charter owns Spectrum. Now look, all of these companies
are terrible. But Comcast deserves
a very special place in hell. In 2016, they were fined over $2 million
for charging customers for services they didn’t even sign up for. People were like, “Why are you charging me
for the Scott Baio network? Is that even real?” They’ve done all sorts of crazy shit.
They once told a widow that because her plan
was in her husband’s name, they wouldn’t cancel her service
until she proved her husband had died. Yeah, that’s thoughtful Comcast. You’re like, “Oh, your husband’s dead?
Prove it.” In 2015, a woman named Lisa Brown
tried to change her service. So Comcast changed the name on her bill to “Asshole Brown,” which is kind of lazy. It should really be “Brown Asshole.” A customer named Julia Swano got bills
to “Whore Julia Swano.” A woman named Mary Bauer
got bills to “Super Bitch Bauer.” All of these names sound like
they came from an incel name generator. And it turns out… a lot of people don’t like being
slut-shamed by their Internet bill. In fact, Comcast has been called
“America’s most hated company,” which explains
the Weinstein Company’s new slogan: “Hey, we’re not Comcast.” The emotions are real. People hate Comcast. We need a change, a big-ass change. It’s always more money
than it’s supposed to be. It’s not a good company. You want to know what’s the root cause
of me being mad? I’ll tell you what the root cause
of me being mad: Comcast. I love how this guy’s at a sleepover and the first thing he does, he’s like,
“Let me get my leopard pillow, little glass of wine,
let me open up my burn book, and talk about my cable provider.” Now, one of the reasons why Comcast doesn’t provide good Internet
to a lot of areas is because it hurts their bottom line. The reason Comcast isn’t there or the reason why other providers
aren’t there is because it costs a lot of money and the revenue is not very high. Even in the places Comcast does cover, they have no incentive
to provide better service, because they face
virtually no competition. The thing about Comcast,
and most cable providers in fact, they have a de facto monopoly
in the areas where they have customers. “So it’s like a cartel?” I would not describe it as– Yes.
Maybe. It is similar to a cartel. This guy would be the worst attorney. He just folded so fast. He’s like,
“Your honor, my client is not guilty. Okay, he’s guilty. He’s guilty. I always felt it, you felt it, right?
I could feel it.” Look, I know what you guys
are all thinking, “Of course,
you’re calling Comcast a cartel. You’re only doing this
’cause Netflix would love for everyone to have better Internet.”
And I’ll own it! I will own it, okay. Yes. I love Netflix. Because I love job security,
but you know what I also love? The Marvel Cinematic Universe. Dropping on Disney Plus, November 12th. But seriously… just look at Comcast and Charter. 26 million Americans
only have broadband through Comcast. 31 million Americans
only have broadband through Charter. These maps barely overlap.
They’re like Jeff Dunham and black people. They’re never in the same place
at the same time. And that’s by design. There is no competition. The cable guys long ago, something
they called “the Summer of Love,” -divided up systems.
-“The Summer of Love?” Yeah. They clustered their operations,
it makes sense from their standpoint. You take San Francisco.
I’ll take Sacramento. You take Chicago. I’ll take Boston. And so Comcast
and Time Warner are these giants that never enter each other’s territories. Comcast and Charter have essentially
divvied up entire states. It’s like gerrymandering,
except white people get fucked over, too. Now in theory… the government should have a problem
with cable companies carving up the U.S., but Comcast spends so much on lobbying
that they say disclosing all of it… is too hard. It’s like asking Emeril Lagasse
how much he uses the word “bam?” I like to give it a little bam, bam, bam! -Bam! Bam! Ba-bam! Bam!
-Yes! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Damn, I miss Emeril! Look, if you’re wondering
what happened to Emeril, he blew out a shoulder
on a chicken parm in ’07. He was like, “Ba-bam! No!” That was his Kevin Durant Achilles. What? I didn’t tear his Achilles. Bob Myers did. Now look, the most frustrating part
about the broadband cartel is that the government
isn’t just letting this happen. It’s helping this happen. They are protecting broadband monopoly
power over the public good. And most of the blame falls on one agency, the Federal Communications Commission,
or the FCC, which is now run by a Ajit Pai,
or as Comcast would call him, a “brown asshole.” You probably know Ajit Pai best
from killing net neutrality and always smiling
like he just got his braces off. But Pai is so much worse than that. Pai actually used to work for Verizon and has a long history
of siding with the companies he is supposed to be regulating, and that’s exactly what’s happening
with broadband. The Telecom Act of 1996 mandates
that the FCC makes sure that every American has access
to telecom services. And one of the ways they do that
is by drawing coverage maps. According to the government, 21 million Americans
don’t have high-speed Internet, which may not sound that bad, but a private study conducted
by Microsoft found that that number could be
as high as 163 million. How do you screw up your numbers
by the entire population of Russia? By the way,
everyone knows the maps suck. The accuracy or the value of the map
is nearly nil in my view. These maps are bogus. These are phony maps. I got to hear a lot of conversation
about the maps. The maps stink, basically. We gotta kick somebody’s ass, truthfully. I love Senator Drew Carey. He’s like,
“I’m gonna kill these cable motherfuckers. Truthfully.” So what is the number? What is it?
How many people don’t have Internet? No one knows, because of the way
the FCC collects coverage information. They ask companies to fill out
something called Form 477, which lets ISPs self-report
on how many people they’re reaching. It’s the government version
of “grade your own quiz.” Remember when your teacher was like,
“How did all of you guys know how to spell ‘bourgeoisie?’” By the way, it gets even worse. If a cable company tells the FCC one household in any given census block
has broadband, then the FCC assumes
that the whole census block has broadband. They’re like, “One house has Internet,
that means all the houses have Internet.” It’s the ultimate rounding up. That’s how you can miss
142 million people. They rounded up like Bono
counting in Spanish. Listen, Bono. You can’t go. “Uno, dos,
tres, catorce.” It doesn’t make any sense. But incorrect maps
have huge consequences. The FCC’s shitty data helps
dictate what areas get money from something called
the Universal Service Fund, or the USF. The USF is money Congress came up with
to ensure that all Americans have telecom services,
including the Internet. Over the next ten years,
we are going to distribute $4.5 billion to rural communities. If we get it wrong,
they’re gonna pay a really big price. They won’t get the funding they need. This is simple. You can’t help distribute $4.5 billion if you don’t even know
which communities need it. This hits rural, tribal,
and low-income Americans the hardest. There are entire sections of major cities
in America that don’t even have adequate Internet. We know who lives here. These are black people. These are people who may not have
the wealthiest of jobs, right? These are the people who probably need
the most opportunity. These are the underserved. This type of blatant discrimination… isn’t something we should see
from a company like AT&T. It’s a massive problem. But Ajit Pai doesn’t seem to think
that the government should be a big part in solving it. In rural America, you know,
certain parts of the inner cities where they have very little,
if no broadband access at all, does the government then have a role
in subsidizing parts of those areas? I do think the more important part
is encouraging the private sector to take the lead, and the reason is
that there is only so much money that the FCC has under its purview. God, he’s such a tool! I like, feel the pain as an Indian.
I’m like, “Why are you doing this?” I fucking hate his logic. Yeah, Ajit, let the private sector
fix the problem. ‘Cause you know who loves helping
poor people? Giant corporations. Ajit Pai hates government programs
for poor people as much as the Internet hates this video. Recently there’s been
quite a bit of conversation about my plan to restore Internet freedom. Here are just a few of the things you’ll
still be able to do on the Internet after these Obama-era regulations
are repealed. [Star Wars theme plays] [dance music plays] Somehow, that was the worst thing
he did to the Internet. You know that clip started
with him swinging a giant lightsaber and then it got exponentially worse. So to recap, broadband companies
and the FCC are protecting cable companies at the expense of rural
and poor Americans who don’t have high-speed Internet.
Now, here’s the thing. This isn’t the first time
utility companies have failed Americans. In the 1930s,
rural Americans didn’t have electricity because it was expensive
for companies to build power lines. So in 1936, Congress passed
the Rural Electrification Act. It provided infrastructure
for all Americans to get electricity. “I hear there’s a new kind of power:
government. That’s right. I hear there’s an agency:
Rural Electrification.” “Now wires swing out to the country. They’re stretching out long wires, reaching out
where wires never went before.” Was that, like, an Apple commercial
from the 1930s? There must have been, like,
a product launch with 1930s Steve Jobs. He’s like,
“We’ve all been living with wires, but today, introducing… the Long Wire! No more short wires
now we have long wires!” And everyone’s like, “What do we do? Wasn’t he a monster to his kids?” “Yeah, but that’s what it takes
to make long wires.” Now, in this case, the Federal Government sided
with American citizens over huge corporations. But today, it feels like the opposite,
and some communities have had enough. Wilson civic leaders
went to the cable companies and said “we want faster service,” but the cable companies said, “No.” So, the folks here said, “Okay… we’ll just build it ourselves.” Okay, somehow that clip started in 1983 and then she walked into 2019. How is that possible? Small cities are going DIY,
and they are setting up their own Internet. It’s become known as municipal broadband,
and it is phenomenal. It turns out
when cities create their own Internet and their own broadband customers
get faster speeds, lower prices,
and better customer service. You know, all the things that violate
Comcast company policy. So Comcast does everything they can
to kill it. Look at the smear campaign
that they helped pay for. I love Fort Collins,
and things are really moving. But that usually means traffic isn’t. Instead of focusing on this, the city wants to get
into the Internet business. Measure 2B would spend $150 million
on a broadband network with no plan for how to do it. Vote “no” on 2B. ‘Cause the Internet won’t speed this up. Okay, I’m sorry, Fort Collins. But that’s not traffic. That is ten cars at a red light. Okay? And they’re like,
“You know what that means! No more Internet. We can only do one of two things.” Cable companies are pulling out
all the stops to fight Municipal Broadband. Just look at Chattanooga, Tennessee, which has been an Internet battleground
for the last decade. In 2008, Chattanooga decided to set up
their own Internet because Comcast and AT&T sucked. And the broadband companies got pissed. Representatives of AT&T and Comcast
paraded into my office to tell me why they didn’t think Chattanooga
should get into this business of competing with private enterprise. “Comcast sued the utility to
prevent it from building out it’s network.” Comcast was part of two lawsuits
against the city, but Chattanooga won
and set up an Internet 200 times faster than the national average, which forced Comcast to compete. Yes! Chattanooga forced Comcast
to magically find a way to offer the best broadband
they had ever offered. After years of people complaining, Comcast was like, “Sorry, bro.
Just saw your text. I can totally turn on that good Internet.” Chattanooga won that battle. But then they tried to expand out
to rural areas and the broadband companies
killed the expansion. They shut down the Internet
like it was the Arab Spring of the South. Unfortunately, lobbying from broadband companies
has worked across the country. 26 states now have laws
restricting or prohibiting cities from creating their own Internet service. And broadband companies
aren’t doing this on their own. They’ve gotten help
from a right-wing advocacy group called ALEC. “The American Legislative
Exchange Council, or ALEC. It puts state lawmakers at the table
with corporations who have paid thousands of dollars to be there. AT&T, Altria, Pfizer,
ExxonMobil have all participated.” You automatically know ALEC is sketchy because they’ve been on the same team
as Viagra, oil, and cigarettes. ALEC has their fingerprints on basically
every terrible issue you can think of. Stand your ground,
voter ID, and private prisons. Here’s how they work. They write a template
of a pro-industry law and then they hand it to local politicians
to pass in their states. Often times, they barely change a word. Here’s the original law from ALEC. Now, look at what passed in Utah. They are practically identical. Basically, ALEC is the kid in class
who lets all the other kids copy, and they’re also best friends
with the Koch brothers. Yeah, the Koch brothers
are really into Supreme apparently. Comcast will do anything
to protect their monopoly. Look what’s happening in Colorado. In 2005, Colorado passed a law
called SB-152, which made it harder for cities
to create their own Internet. Now, assume in this scenario
that SB stands for shitty broadband, but over the last few years, cities in Colorado have been voting
to opt-out of SB-152. First it was Glenwood Springs,
then it was Longmont, then Fort Collins,
and the cable companies freaked out because a recent study showed that when Fort Collins starts offering
their own Internet, Comcast could lose up
to $2 million per month. That’s just one city with no traffic. So they fought
the Fort Collins initiative head on. “A lot of money is being poured
into this opposition group. Priorities First Fort Collins
has raised more than $200,000 in just the past two weeks. The Colorado Cable
Telecommunications Association donated more than $125,000
to stop the measure.” Just so you know, the Colorado
Telecommunications Association is backed, in part, by Comcast. Now, here’s the good news. Their campaign
to kill municipal broadband didn’t work. And more cities in Colorado
are following their lead. 40 of Colorado’s 64 counties have voted in favor
of municipal broadband. They’re basically saying,
“Hey, let us run our own Internet. Because if the government
and broadband companies aren’t going to look out for us, the least you can do
is get out of the way.” And the ironic thing is this. We’re doing this episode, it’s great. But the people
who are being screwed over by this and by the telecom industry
probably can’t even watch this episode. This show only exists on the Internet,
so it got me thinking… Netflix still has a DVD service. I don’t know how or why… but they do. And 2.7 million people
still get those little red envelopes. So we decided to put this
episode of Patriot Act on DVD, so you can rent it from Netflix. This is real.
If you go to DVD.com/patriotact it will take you straight
to the Netflix website where you can get this episode. So please,
if you’re watching this right now, go to your nearest McDonald’s parking lot, tap on those windows and let ’em know, “I have a DVD for you.”

Graham Norton Explains What The Hell Is Going On With Brexit


>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY! FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT —
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT DOES WHAT
I DO BUT WITH A CHARMING ACCENT. PLEASE WELCOME THE HOST OF “THE
GRAHAM NORTON SHOW,” GRAHAM NORTON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>HI, EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW! DID THEY ALL GOOGLE ME BEFORE I
CAME OUT? THEY SEEM TO KNOW WHO I AM!>>Stephen: WE HANDED OUT
PAMPHLETS.>>INFO SHEETS.>>Stephen: EVERYBODY KNOWS. THEY WATCH YOU ONLINE.>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. LOVELY TO SEE YOU.>>Stephen: I ADMIRE YOUR
SHOW, YOUR SKILL, BUT I ADMIRE ON YOUR TELEVISION YOU CAN WEAR
COLORFUL THINGS. YOU LOOK LOVELY.>>THIS I BOUGHT MYSELF. THIS IS MODEL’S OWN.>>Stephen: I DON’T KNOW EVEN
KNOW WHERE I GOT MY GLASSES. ( LAUGHTER )
>>YOU LOOK SHARP, THOUGH.>>Stephen: SO DO YOU. THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, YOU
SAID ONE OF THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE SHOWS IN ENGLAND AND
OVER HERE, YOUR SHOW AND MY SHOW, YOU GET YOUR GUESTS BOOZED
UP.>>NOT BOOZED UP. WE OFFER THEM. IS THIS STILL WATER?>>Stephen: IT IS. BUT WE HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>THAT’S A WELCOME! I’D LOVE SOME!>>Stephen: THIS IS SOME OF
THAT –>>HAVE YOU GOT ICE OR ARE YOU
LIKE ANIMALS?>>Stephen: ONE CUBE OF ICE
WILL BE VERY EUROPEAN.>>NICE. ARE YOU RATIONING ICE NOW?>>Stephen: NO, I DON’T WANT
TO FREAK YOU OUT BY HAVING MORE THAN ONE ICE CUBE. THERE YOU GO.>>WHAT IS THIS?>>Stephen: ICE. IT’S WHAT SANK THE TITANIC. ( LAUGHTER )
>>WE SHOULD STEER CLEAR. OOOH!>>Stephen: HERE WE GO. TO TALKING FOR A LIVING.>>YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.>>Stephen: THAT IS TASTY. IT IS WEIRD THAT TWO TALK
SHOW HOSTS SHOULDN’T MEET. THIS IS LIKE DOGS SNIFFING
AROUND EACH OTHER. IT’S KIND OF WRONG.>>Stephen: YOU SMELL
DELIGHTFUL, I MUST SAY. I PROMISE NOT TO HUMP YOUR LEG. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU LIVE IN THE U.K.>>I DO.>>Stephen: CAN YOU EXPLAIN
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OVER THERE? BECAUSE WE’VE ALL BEEN WATCHING,
LIKE, QUESTIONS OF THE PRIME MINISTER, WE’VE ALL BEEN
WATCHING PARLIAMENT FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS, IT’S ABSOLUTE CHAOS.>>IT’S NUTS. YOU DON’T NORMALLY SEE THAT. YOU DON’T NORMALLY SEE THE
INSIDE OF PARLIAMENT WHERE IT IS ABSOLUTE BEDLAM. BUT I THINK THE UNITED KINGDOM
WAS EMBARRASSED FOR AMERICA, FELT LIKE YOU’RE ALL ALONE OUT
ON THE WORLD STAGE, SO WE FOUND OUR OWN ANGRY CABBAGE PATCH KID,
AND — ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
— AND MADE HIM THE LEADER. IT’S INCREDIBLE! IT’S, LIKE, YOU KNOW THE G7,
SUDDENLY YOU FELT LIKE DON HAS A FRIEND. THEY CAN HANG OUT TOGETHER. IT’S, LIKE, A PLAY DATE.>>Stephen: BORIS JOHNSON
LOOKS LIKE SUCH A CHEAP KNOCK OFF OF DONALD TRUMP THAT HE
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IN TIMES SQUARE PRETENDING TO BE DONALD
TRUMP TO GET YOUR PHOTO WITH OUT THERE. ( APPLAUSE )
>>I WOULDN’T TRUST HIM TO WATER MY PLANTS WHILE AWAY BUT HE’S
THE PRIME MINISTER.>>Stephen: EXPLAIN THIS —
I SO CAN’T EXPLAIN THIS ANYTHIN>>Stephen: THE PRIME MINISTER
IS THE LEADER OF MAJORITY IN PARLIAMENT BUT HE LOST HIS
MAJORITY TWO DAYS AGO. WH STILL THE PRIME
MINISTER? WHAT HE CLEVERLY DID IS SAID IF
ANYONE VOTES AGAINST ME IN MY PARTY, I WILL FIRE YOU.>>Stephen: KICK YOU OUT OF
THE PARTY.>>YES. THEY DID VOTE AGAINST HIM AND HE
FIRED THEM. SO HIS MAJORITY GETS LESS AND
LESS. IT’S LIKE HE’S DRILLING HOLES IN
HIS OWN SHIP OUT OF SPITE. I’LL SHOW YOU, AND, LOOK,
THERE’S A WORD CALLED PAROGUE, WHICH IS LIKE SHUTTING DOWN THE
PARLIAMENT.>>Stephen: NO ONE’S HEARD
THIS WORD BEFORE.>>YOU FEEL LIKE THE QUEEN
DOESN’T EVEN KNOW THE WORD. ONE SHOULD PAROGUE? IS THAT THE ONE WITH THE FINGER? ( LAUGHTER )
I.>>Stephen: I DIDN’T KNOW IT
WAS ANYTHING SHE COULD DO LEGALLY. I THOUGHT SHE WAS A NICE TOURIST
TRAP.>>SHE IS. SHE HAS TO SAY YES. SHE CAN’T SAY NO. SHE’S THE QUEEN.>>Stephen: NOW YOU HAVE YOUR
SECOND NOVEL TH “THE KEEPER.” WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME TO
WRITE A NOVEL?>>THIS IS MY HOBBY. THIS ISN’T MY JOB, I’M NOT A
NOVELIST.>>Stephen: ARE THERE THINGS
YOU LIKE MORE ABOUT THIS THAN ACTUALLY DOING A TALK SHOW?>>WELL, THERE’S THE THING —
YOU KNOW THIS — THAT IN ANYTHING WE DO, THERE HAS TO BE
A MEETING.>>Stephen: SURE. YOU AT THE SIDE VERY LITTLE.>>Stephen: EXACTLY. UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.>>YES, UNTIL NOW. SO IT’S JUST THAT THIS IS A
SOLITAIRE OCCUPATION, AND I LOVE THAT. I LOVE BEING IN A ROOM BY MYSELF
IN THE WORLD WITH THESE CHARACTERS, THE BOOKS ARE SET IN
IRELAND, AND, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MY SUMMERS THERE, SO IT’S QUITE
NICE TO BE IN LONDON, IN MY OFFICE, AND GOING BACK TO
IRELAND IN MY HEAD.>>Stephen: PRETENDING IT’S
LOVELY.>>THIS HELPS, TOO.>>Stephen: DOESN’T IT THOUGH? CHEERS
>>STEPHEN: “A KEEPER” IS AVAILABLE NOW. GRAHAM NORTON, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Jeff Daniels on the Republican Party: “These Are The Guys Who Gave You Sarah Palin”


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FELLOW
AMERICANS, THE HOST FROM “THE LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT” NOMINATES THE FINEST ACTOR FROM THE JEFF
DELEGATION AS MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT. PLEASE WELCOME JEFF DANIELS. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )>>GOOD MORNING!>>Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU.>>GOOD MORNING!>>Stephen: GOOD MORNING,
EXACTLY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE. NICE TO SEE YOU. NOW, THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE
YOU WERE ON BROADWAY DOING “BLACK BIRD” AND YOU SAID YOU
WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING SOME TIME OFF.>>DID THAT, DOING THAT.>>Stephen: PRESENT DOING IT?>>YES.>>Stephen: RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW, THIS IS PART OF THE
VACATION?>>NO, THIS IS WORKING HARD
RIGHT NOW.>>Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. NOW, THE BEARD, IS THIS A COMMON
EVENT FOR THE VACATION? IS THIS YOU RELAXED? OR IS THIS YOU PREPARING FOR
SOMETHING ELSE?>>IT JUST– I JUST LET IT GO. LETTING EVERYTHING GO.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH.>>EVERY HAIR ON MY BODY,
LETTING IT GO. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: REALLY? BUT NORMALLY, YOU’RE WELL
MAN-SCAPED?>>YEAH, GOT A WEED WHACKER THAT
COMES IN ONCE A WEEK JUST FOR THAT PURPOSE.>>Stephen: NEIGHBORHOOD KID?>>GOOD KID. COUPLE OF BUCKS, THROW HIM.>>Stephen: IN THE WINTERTIME
HE SHOVELS.>>HE SHOVELS. HE SHOVELS IN THE WINTER. IN THE WINTERTIME. YEAH, NO, I’M DOING A WESTERN. I’M DOING A WESTERN IN THE FALL. AND SO —
>>ARE YOU A DESPERADO?>>I HAVE TO LOOK THAT UP LATER. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: IT’S A BAD GUY,
SORT OF A ROMANTIC BAD GUY.>>THAT, THAT– NOT ROMANTIC. I’M TOO OLD.>>Stephen: I DON’T KNOW. IS HE TOO OLD TO BE ROMANTIC?>>Audience: NO!>>Stephen: YOU’RE A
GOOD-LOOKING MAN.>>PLAYING A BAD GUY. SO I’M GROWING THE BEARD OUT. I’M ALSO HORSE RIDING IN
MICHIGAN. THERE’S A GUY —
>>IS THIS SOMETHING YOU HAVE DONE BEFORE? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO HORSE RIDE?>>YOU TELL THEM THAT YOU HAVE.>>Stephen: THEY CALL YOU UP–
WHO IS DOING IT, NETFLIX? THIS IS NETFLIX, CAN YOU RIDE A
HORSE.>>, “THIS IS A WESTERN, YOU CAN
RIDE?” AS AN ACTOR YOU SAY YES. I DID A MOVIE 15, 20 YEARS AGO
WITH ACTORS WHO ALL SAID YES, CANADIAN ACTORS, WHO ARE SOME OF
THE FINEST ACTORS IN THE WORLD. ONE GUY WAS A LITTLE SHY OF
HORSES AND HE SKIPPED THE HORSE TRAINING. HE TOLD EVERYBODY HE COULD RIDE. WE’RE OUT THERE IN FRONT OF 500
EXTRAS, 500 PEOPLE. WE’RE IN AMERICAN REVOLUTION–
SHOOTING IN TORONTO– AMERICAN REVOLUTION. AND THIS GUY AND THE HORSE– IF
YOU DON’T SIT RIGHT ON THE HORSE, THE HORSE KNOW S.>>Stephen: OH, THEY CAN
SMELL FEAR.>>OH, THEY CAN SMELL FEAR. AND THE HORSE WENT LIKE THAT. SAILED– THE GUY SAILED OFF THE
BACK. BA-BOOM! LANDS ON HIS BACK. THE WIG CAME OFF. THE THREE-CORNERED HAT CAME OFF. 500 EXTRAS JUST WENT, “WHOA.” YOU DON’T WANT TO BE THAT GUY.>>Stephen: ARE YOU TRAINED UP
FOR THIS? ARE YOU GOING TO FEEL
COMFORTABLE RIDING WESTERN?>>I’M ALMOST CANTORRING. I’M GOING TO GALLOP IN TWO
WEEKS.>>Stephen: WOW.>>BUT YOU LEARN– AND BRAD
CLARK, GREAT TEACHER IN MICHIGAN, RODEO COWBOY ON THE
WEEKENDS. HE WEARS THE WHAT, THE WHOLE
THING– I’M WEARING A HAT NOW.>>Stephen: ANY KIND OF HAT?>>THE FIRST TIME I DIDN’T SHOW
UP WITH A HAT. THE SECOND TIME I SHOWED UP I
HAD A HAT, A COWBOY HAT I BOUGHT FOR A STUPID REASON. AND I’M WEARING IT, AND HE
DOESN’T COMMENT ON IT IT. HE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING.>>Stephen: OOOH.>>I GOT A HAT. AND HE’S GOING, “YUP.” YOU KNOW.>>Stephen: WHY DID YOU BRING
THE HAT? SO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO
RIDE WITH A HAT ON?>>I WANTED TO BE COOL. I WANTED TO BE LIKE A COWBOY.>>Stephen: OKAY.>>YOU KNOW. SO ONCE I HAD THE HAT– AND YOU
GET THE DEER FLIES. IT HELPS WITH THE DEER FLIES AND
YOU GET TO DO THAT ONCE IN A WHILE.>>Stephen: AND YOU GET THE
WATER OUT OF THE CREEK.>>I RODE THE HORSE INTO A POND
AND OUT OF A POND AND YOU LEARN HOW TO RIDE —
>>WHAT’S GOING ON DOWN THERE? THAT LOOKS LIKE FUN. WHAT IS THAT?>>THIS IS YOU AT ONE WITH THE
HORSE BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT TO TELL HIM–
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU LOOK. YOU LOOK. YOU LOOK AT JOHN WAYNE, BIG JOHN
WAYNE, STUD MUFFIN JOHN WAYNE, STUD MUFFIN TILL HE WAS 80. BUT DOWN BELOW, HE’S AT ONE WITH
THE HORSE. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: AND THAT’S LEGAL
IN MICHIGAN? ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, NOW, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. WE’RE TALKING POLITICS.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: THIS WEEK. I KNOW YOU’VE HAD A FEW OPINIONS
ABOUT POLITICS. LAST TIME YOU WERE ON YOU LIKED
BERNIE BUT WERE HEADING FOR THE HILLS. LET’S TALK ABOUT THE STAGECRAFT. YOU TRAINED ACTING. YOU WENT TO ACT SCHOOL? I THOUGHT DID YOU.>>I WENT TO SCHOOL.>>Stephen: YOU WENT TO SCHOOL
FOR ACTING. DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING WHILE YOU
WERE THERE THAT YOU CAN SHARE?>>THEY’RE DOING A GREAT JOB OF
IMAGINING A BETTER WORLD, IMAGINING A GREATER FUTURE,
IMAGINING– THAT’S JUST BASIC ACTING. AND YOU GUYS LIKE CORY BOOKER,
OF COURSE, MICHELLE OBAMA– THEY’RE JUST REALLY GOOD AT IT,
THE ONES WHO ARE. AND IT’S JUST BASIC ACTING,
WHICH IS EXERCISES LIKE ALONE IN YOUR ROOM AND SCENE WORK WITH
OTHER PEOPLE. AND PETTING THE KITTY. YOU HAVE —
>>WHAT IS THAT ONE? I DIDN’T– I’VE NEVER–
>>IT’S JUST A BASIC IMAGINARY EXERCISE THAT YOU IMAGINE THAT
YOU HAVE A KITTY, AND YOU PET IT. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU PET THE KITTY. ( LAUGHTER )
OH, LOOK. THE KITTY RAN ACROSS THE DESK. OH, LET’S GO GET THE KITTY AND
BRING IT BACK. ( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU. ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
>>Stephen: I HAVE A SHY
KITTY. I’M PUTTING MY KITTY DOWN BACK
HERE. WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE STAGECRAFT
OF THESE CONVENTIONS,ING WHAT DO YOU THINK– HAVE YOU WATCHED THE
REPUBLICAN AND THE DEMOCRAT? HOW WOULD YOU COMPARE THE
STAGECRAFT?>>I WATCHED THE REPUBLICAN
CONVENTION. THE LAST TIME I WATCHED IT IN
FULL, LIKE, 2004. BUT BUSH AND CHENEY AND —
>>IT’S DIFFERENT THIS YEAR. ( LAUGHTER ).>>YEAH. THERE’S THE “D” LIST, AND THEN
THERE’S DOWN IN HERE. AND DOWN IN HERE IS WHERE WE
WERE LAST WEEK. BUT I– 2004, I WATCHED IT, AND
I WAS SO STRESSED OUT, THAT I WENT AND GOT A STRESS TEST. I GOT AN E.K.G.>>Stephen: HONEST TO GOD
AFTER YOU WATCHED IT.>>THEY SAID WHAT BROUGHT IT–
AND I SAID, “I WATCHED THE ENTIRE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION.”>>Stephen: WHAT DID THEY
PRESCRIBE?>>A MONTH IN THE BAHAMAS AND
REST AND DON’T WATCH ANYTHING REPUBLICAN ANYMORE. THAT WAS BACK– THAT WAS BACK
WHEN THEY WERE SANE! THAT WAS BACK– REMEMBER, THESE
ARE THE THE GUYS WHO WERE THE STRAIGHT-FACED, GAVE YOU SARAH
PALIN. THEY GAVE YOU SARAH PALIN.>>Stephen: CAN I RECOMMEND
SOMETHING TO CALM YOU DOWN THIS YEAR?>>YES.>>Stephen: MAYBE PET THE
KITTY. LET ME KNOW HOW THAT GOES.

Trevor Noah Was ‘Born a Crime’ in South Africa


WAS SAYING YOU’RE COMING UP ON
CELEBRATING YOUR FIRST YEAR OF HOSTING “THE
DAILY SHOW.” I RAN INTO YOU AT A PARTY, AND
YOU SAID TO ME ON THE WEEKENDS YOU SOMETIMES FLY BACK TO SOUTH
AFRICA TO SEE YOUR FAMILY.>>YEAH, I TRY.>>Stephen: IT’S AN 18-HOUR
FLIGHT TO JOHANNESBURG.>>NO, NO, NO, 16 HOURS.>>Stephen: OH, 16 HOURS. MY APOLOGIES.>>18 WOULD BE RIDICULOUS.>>Stephen: HOW DO YOU DO
THAT, LEAVE FRIDAY MORNING?>>I FLY THURSDAY LATE NIGHT,
CLOSE TO MIDNIGHT. AND I’LL LAND ON THE FRIDAY, AND
THEN I’LL HAVE A FRIDAY FULL DAY, AND THEN SATURDAY I FLY
BACK AND I’M HERE ON A SUNDAY.>>Stephen: SO 36 HOURS IN
JOHANNESBURG.>>NOT EVEN, I GUESS. IT’S BARELY 24.>>Stephen: HOW ARE YOU ALIVE? HOW DO YOU DO THAT? HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU DONE THAT
OVER THE PAST YEAR?>>SIX, SEVEN TIMES, MAYBE. I LOVE SLEEPING ON A PLANE. I FEEL LIKE AIRPLANES ARE THE
LAST PLACE OF SLEEPINGNESS. IT’S JUST BEAUTIFUL. I JUST SLEEP.>>Stephen: HOW DO YOU
POSSIBLY SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT? DON’T THE STEWARDESSES COME UP
AND SAY, “WOULD YOU LIKE A PILLOW?”
>>NO, NO, I WRAP– I HAVE THIS MASK THAT PROVIDES HUMIDITY, AND
I WEAR, LIKE, A HOODIE AND TAPE MY NOSE CLOSED– THIS IS ALL
TRUE. THIS IS ALL TRUE. AND I WRAP MYSELF UP. SO I HAVE HUMIDITY AND I CLOSE
EVERYTHINGEP AND IT’S GONE.>>Stephen: DO YOU LOOK BANE.>>I LOOK LIKE BANE AND DARTH
VADER HAD A CHILD.>>Stephen: I’D SEE THAT
MOVIE. YOU HAVE A BOOK COMING OUT RIGHT
AFTER THE ELECTION. IT’S CALLED–
>>”BORN A CRIME.”>>Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY THAT?>>I WAS BORN A CRIME. I WAS BORN TO A BLACK SOUTH
AFRICAN MOTHER AND A WHITE SWISS FATHER DURING APARTHEID IN SOUTH
AFRICA, AND THEM DOING THE THING WAS ILLEGAL.>>Stephen: THE THING?>>THE THING. THE THING OF MAKING ME.>>Stephen: THIS THING? WHEN THAT THING DOES THAT?>>WELL, THAT’S WORSE THAN ME
SAYING “THE THING.” I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.>>Stephen: JUST BEING–
>>THAT’S EVEN WORSE.>>Stephen: REALLY?>>THAT DOESN’T EVEN LOOK LIKE
WILL THING. IT’S GOING INTO NOTHING.>>Stephen: THAT’S ONE THING
AND THAT’S THE OTHER THING RIGHT THERE. THAT’S HOW IT WORKS. YOU KNOW HOW THE THING WORKS,
RIGHT?>>I I HOPE SO. MY PARNS GOT TOGETHER DURING
THAT TIME WHICH WAS AGAINST THE LAW, AND I WAS BORN DURING THIS.>>Stephen: WHEN WAS THAT?>>1984.>>Stephen: WHEN DID THAT LAW
CHANGE?>>APARTHEID ENDED IN MEAN 90. SO FOR THE FIRST YEAR OF MY LIFE
I WAS LIVING A PHYSICAL CRIME. I HAD TO GO BACK THROUGH MY
LIFE. I LEARNED THENGZ ABOUT MY LIFE I
DIDN’T ACTUALLY KNOW. FOR INSTANCE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT I
WAS AN INDOOR CHILD. TURNS OUT I WASN’T ALLOWED TO
LEAVE THE HOUSE, BECAUSE IF I WAS SEEN IN SOWETO, THE AREA I
LIVED IN, THE POLICE WOULD SEE ME AND GO, “THAT KID, HE’S A
CRIME.” YOU COULD SEE THAT. AND THEY WOULD SEND ME TO AN
ORPHANAGE. MY MOM WOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO
HAVE ME.>>Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MAKE
OF AMERICANS SAYING OUR RIGHTS BEING TAKEN AWAY OR OUR COUNTRY
BHEEG TAKEN FROM US, WHERE YOU GREW UP SOMEPLACE WHERE YOUR
EXISTENCE ITSELF WAS A VIOLATION OF THE LAW?>>YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS SAY TO
PEOPLE, I CAN NEVER JUDGE SOMEBODY FOR THINKING THAT THEIR
WORLD IS TOUGH BECAUSE IT IS TOUGH TO YOU. I LOOK AT MY UPBRINGING, AND I
GO– I REMEMBER WHEN I WENT TO BRAZIL, AND I VISITED THE
FAVELLAS IN RIO DE JANEIRO, AND I SAID, MAN, THIS IS BAD. AND I GO WITH AN AMERICAN TO
SOUTH AFRICA, AND THEY GO THIS IS BAD. NO, THIS IS BAD. IT’S BAD FOR YOU, AND THAT’S ALL
IT REALLY NEEDS TO BE. WHEN PEOPLE GO, “MY RIGHT ARE
BEING TAKEN AWAY.” I GO, “DO YOU FEEL LIKE THEY’RE
BEING TAKEN AWAY?” “YEAH.” AND I SAY, “WHY DO YOU SAY
THAT?” “BECAUSE I CAN’T ORDER MORE
FOOD.” IT’S DIFFERENT, IT’S DIFFERENT,
IT’S DIFFERENT, BUT IT’S STILL VALID. WE ALL HAVE OUR CHALLENGE S.>>Stephen: YOU ALSO HAVE A
SHOW AT THE BEACON THEATER HERE IN THE NEW YORK TO THE NEW YORK
COMEDY FESTIVAL. WHAT NIGHT IS THAT I’M GOING TO
BE DOING STAND-UP COMEDY ON THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER. THAT WILL BE FUN.>>Stephen: YOU HAVE A
FULL-TIME JOB, MY FRIEND. AND YOU’RE A GREAT STAND-UP. DO YOU EVER THINK TO YOURSELF,
ON THE WEEKENDS I’M GOING TO TAKE IT EASY.>>THAT’S ME TAKING A BREAK. I GO I’M SO TIRED I’M GOING TO
DO SOME STAND-UP.>>Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
DOING THAT.>>THAT’S MY LOVE.>>Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
BEING HERE. ENJOY ELECTION.>>YOU ENJOY IT.>>Stephen: WE’LL ENJOY IT
TOGETHER.>>Stephen: “NEW YORK COMEDY
FESTIVAL PRESENTS TREVOR NOAH” IS AT THE BEACON THEATER ON
NOVEMBER 5. TREVOR NOAH, EVERYBODY!

The Trump Family: A Political Dynasty For Decades To Come?


>>STEPHEN: JUST A REMINDER, THE
NEXT DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY DEBATE IS THURSDAY, AND WE WILL BE
LIVE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER BROADCASTING AFTER THE
DEBATE. SADLY, I CAN’T SAY THE SAME FOR
BILL DE BLASIO’S CAMPAIGN. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT THIS IS VERY EXCITING. WE GOT ALL THE HEAVY HITTERS —
ELIZABETH WARREN, BERNIE SANDERS, AND OF COURSE THE
CURRENT FRONTRUNNER, JOE BIDEN. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS —
WE CAN EXPECT PLENTY OF GAFFES, LIKE THIS ONE FROM OVER THE
WEEKEND.>>LIMITED TO FOUR YEARS, I
BELIEVE HISTORY WILL LOOK BACK ON THIS PRESIDENCY AS AN
ABERRANT MOMENT IN TIME. BUT IF DONALD HUMP– IF DONALD
TRUMP IS RE-ELECTED– FREUDIAN SLIP.>>STEPHEN: SIR , DO YOU KNOW
WHAT A “FREUDIAN SLIP” IS? IT’S A MISTAKE WHERE YOU
ACCIDENTALLY REVEAL WHAT’S IN YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS. ARE YOU SURE THAT’S WHAT YOU
WANT TO SAY? (AS BIDEN)
“I DO NOT LIKE DONALD HUMP. I WILL DEFEAT HIM IN THE GENERAL
ERECTION.” ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHICH, THERE’S NEWS FROM TRUMP’S 2020 CAMPAIGN,
THANKS TO TRUMP CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND MAN WHOSE HEAD LOOKS THE
SAME UPSIDE DOWN, BRAD PARSCALE. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS WEEKEND, PARSCALE SPOKE AT A CONVENTION OF CALIFORNIA
REPUBLICANS– THEIR OFFICIAL MOTTO “WHERE ARE YOU?”
( LAUGHTER ) AND PARSCALE PREDICTED THAT THE
AGE OF TRUMP WOULDN’T BE COMING TO AN END ANY TIME SOON, SAYING,
“THE TRUMPS WILL BE A DYNASTY THAT WILL LAST FOR DECADES,
PROPELLING THE REPUBLICAN PARTY INTO A NEW PARTY.” “THEIR DYNASTY WILL LAST A
— ( BOOING )
>>Stephen: SILENCE YOU MINIONS! “THEIR DYNASTY WILL LAST A
THOUSAND YEARS, AN UNBROKEN LINE OF TRUMPS MATING WITH TRUMPS
UNTIL THEIR CHILDREN HAVE GUMS SO LARGE THEY BLOT OUT THE SUN!”
( LAUGHTER ) HE GUSHED ON ABOUT THE NEXT
GENERATION OF TRUMPLETS — “ITHINK THEY’RE ALL AMAZING
PEOPLE WITH AMAZING CAPABILITIES. I THINK YOU SEE THAT
FROM DON JR. I THINK YOU SEE THAT FROM
IVANKA. YOU SEE IT FROM JARED. YOU SEE IT FROM ALL.” EVERYBODY BUT ERIC. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT YOU SEE WITH ERIC IS HIM SHOVING GRAY PLAY-DOH INTO HIS
EARS BECAUSE HE QUOTE, “WANTED TO PUT MORE BRAINS IN THERE.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND WE LEARNED MORE ABOUT THE GLORIOUS TRUMP LINEAGE FROM A
NEW ARTICLE TRACING TRUMP’S FAMILY HISTORY, ALL THE WAY BACK
TO HIS GRANDFATHER, WHO MADE HIS FORTUNE DURING THE ALASKA GOLD
RUSH BY SETTING UP A TRAILSIDE TENT HAWKING HORSE MEAT. AND, LO, TRUMP STEAKS WERE BORN. ( LAUGHTER )
THE ARTICLE SHOWS JUST HOW TOUGH TRUMP WAS ON HIS KIDS. APPARENTLY, ON SKI TRIPS, WHEN
THEY RACED DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, TO GET AHEAD OF THEM, TRUMP WOULD
JAB AT HIS CHILDREN WITH A POLE, AND HIS FAVORITE FATHERLY MAXIM
WAS “DON’T TRUST ANYONE,” AND HE LIKED TO TEST HIS CHILDREN BY
ASKING WHETHER THEY TRUSTED HIM. IF THEY SAID YES, THEY WERE
REPRIMANDED. AND IF THEY SAID NO, THEY WERE
ALSO REPRIMANDED. (AS TRUMP)
“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TRUSTED ME WHEN I TOLD YOU NOT TO TRUST
ANYONE. NEXT TIME, I TRUST YOU WILL NOT
TRUST NOT TRUSTING, OR YOU WILL LOSE YOUR TRUST FUND.” ( LAUGHTER )
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE CONDOLEEZZA
RICE.

The NRA’s Global Impact | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix


All right. Tonight, I want to talk 
about the National Rifle Association. You know the NRA,
the only time they’re quiet is whenever we have a national moment
of silence. And if you haven’t been watching the news,
they’re currently in total chaos. America’s most prominent
gun rights organization, with one of the nation’s most powerful 
lobbying arms, is in turmoil. The NRA is facing a major shakeup  after its current president, Oliver North,
announced he would be stepping down and not returning for a second term. North reportedly attempted 
to oust Wayne LaPierre. Basically, Wayne LaPierre,
their longtime chief executive, was beefing 
with their president Oliver North. Last month, LaPierre accused North 
of trying to extort him over financial wrongdoing, and LaPierre was right to worry
because North had the receipts, and they show that LaPierre
was burning through money like it was a rookie contract. Including almost 40 grand for clothes
on a single day, 18 grand for a car and driver in Europe, and $13,800 in rent payments 
for a college intern. That’s right. Wayne LaPierre, who’s almost 70,
tried to expense five grand a month for a twentysomething female intern,
and I know… we’re all thinking the same thing. Wayne LaPierre has a heart of gold. Don’t laugh. Her summer housing didn’t work out,
and she needed a place to stay. We need more people like Wayne LaPierre. This internal feud resulted in
Oliver North stepping down as president. But that was just the beginning 
of the NRA’s problems. The New York Attorney General is currently investigating whether
the NRA has violated their status as a nonprofit,
and I know you’re like, “Wait… The NRA is a non-profit?” That’s like finding out Guantanamo Bay 
was built by Habitat for Humanity. The guard would be like, 
“That rectal feeding tube is actually made out 
of Jimmy Carter’s old garden hose. So you respect it.” Now, all this turmoil came to a head at the NRA’s annual convention last month. But while everybody was obsessing over 
the NRA meltdown, something else was going down. This is a Fox News Alert. President Trump making moves 
to pull the U.S.  out of an international arms trade treaty, something the NRA has wanted 
for a very long time. Trump pulled the U.S. out 
of the Arms Trade Treaty, which was a UN resolution Obama signed 
in 2013 to help prevent the use of arms 
for war crimes and human rights abuses.
But don’t take it from me, take it from the host 
of my dad’s favorite TV show. The UN Arms Trade Treaty  could ask signatories not to export
weapons to groups or states which could use these weapons 
in crimes against humanity. Simple enough. Don’t send arms to Syria 
or Sudan or North Korea. Who could object to this? “Who could object to this?”
Well, Bashar al-Assad, Kim Jong-un, and obviously, Terry Gross. Terry Gross has been running guns 
into Darfur for decades. It makes total sense
when you think about it. Look, she does one interview a day,
and she’s somehow always on “vacation.” Come on, Terry. If you’re not going to stop running guns, then at least stop letting Dave Davies
fill in for you. You’re hurting people. The NRA hates the UN Arms Trade Treaty
because they think it will lead to gun control 
in the United States. That’s basically how they feel 
about everything the UN does. Which you can tell from
this super-emo video they made. The UN’s agenda?
To impose its own standard of freedom. Global gun prohibition. A bronze statue of a twisted gun 
outside UN headquarters stands as testimony to its agenda 
and its determination to fulfill it. The NRA is obsessed
with this gun that got its tubes tied. It’s known as “The Knotted Gun,” and it is a universal symbol 
for non-violence, and the NRA saw that and was like,
“Non-violence? Over my dead body.” The NRA has official consulting status
with the UN, which is bizarre. How could the NRA possibly be helpful 
at the UN? Think about it, like,
Zambia comes in, they’re like, “We need mosquito nets.” And they’re like,
“Have you tried shooting the mosquitoes? You have the right 
to shoot the mosquitoes.” The NRA has been opposing 
the Arms Trade Treaty for years. There is extremely strong opposition 
to this treaty in the United States. All based on the same objection: Infringement on 
the constitutional freedom of American gun owners. We are not gonna submit American freedoms  to these globalist vultures. Is this how Wayne LaPierre
describes nature? He’s like, “You got your globalist vultures,
your libtard geckos, and your cuck trees. It’s disgusting.” But just last month, 
Trump gave the NRA what they wanted. We’re taking our signature back. They all want the pen.
Can you believe these people? Should I give it to ’em? Famous pen. Just imagine all the manifestos that are going to be written 
with that pen. This is why we can’t be 
touchdown dancing  all over the NRA civil war. Pulling out of the Arms Trade Treaty was a significant win for them 
on an international scale. And that’s what I want
to focus on tonight, the global impact of the NRA. Now, I know that sounds strange. When you think of the NRA, 
you think of American gun rights, the Second Amendment, cowboy cosplay, gun shows. The easier it is for people
in other countries to buy guns, the better it is for American gun makers
who want to do business in those places. So the NRA has been influencing 
gun policy, exporting gun culture, and contributing to gun violence 
around the world. The NRA has actually been called 
the “spiritual godfather” of foreign gun groups, 
which I know sounds like a gangster movie starring Deepak Chopra. 
But the NRA… also has direct financial ties 
to foreign gun companies,  some of their biggest donors
are international gun manufacturers like Beretta and Glock, who have each donated 
at least a million dollars to the NRA, which makes them members 
of an exclusive donors club called… “The Golden Ring of Freedom,” where one of the perks 
is a special jacket. When I put the gold jacket on, I’ll feel the respect of 1,600 employees. It is a great honor. The NRA gave Brenda and I gold jackets, because we give them a lot of money. You don’t need the NRA 
to get an ugly, overpriced jacket. Just order one from Canada Goose. I own one. It’s ugly as fuck. Objectively. Okay? By the way, they ripped this jacket straight 
from the NFL Hall of Fame, which makes total sense
if you think about it. Football and guns have both given 
high schoolers brain trauma. Now, another reason the NRA… is working abroad is that they seem to think that 
gun control anywhere is a threat to gun rights everywhere.
Take Australia. The NRA has tried to repeatedly weaken
Australia’s strict gun laws, including the ones passed 
after a mass shooting in 1996, called the Port Arthur Massacre. Look what happened to Australia. When they had a huge shooting 
in Port Arthur, the conservative government banned
assault weapons. For the next couple of decades, 
there’s been not even one single mass shooting in Australia. And the NRA was like, “What kind of sick world
are we living in? We need to help these people get guns.” And then they got a call from a group 
in Australia called One Nation. Now, separately… those words don’t seem racist. But when you put them together, they do. Right? It’s like America, First. Duck, Dynasty. Roseanne. Just Roseanne. One Nation is a right-wing
Nationalist Party, and this is their co-founder
Pauline Hanson. Whoa! Hey, take it easy, Pauline. Asians don’t swamp, we infiltrate.
There’s a difference. Last year, some members of One Nation came
to America to meet with the NRA,
except one of them wasn’t a member. He was an undercover journalist 
and guess which one. Yeah. Look at him! No Australian is that Australian. What is wrong with this guy?
He could have just worn a suit,  but he just went to a store and he’s like,
“Get me all the khaki money can buy. Let me look like 
Crocodile motherfucking Dundee… while I go undercover.” Now, this undercover journalist, secretly recorded the One Nation members
who came to America. The fake activist then led
One Nation Chief of Staff James Ashby and Queensland senate candidate
Steve Dickson on a trip to America  to seek donations from the U.S. gun lobby. And while they were there, the NRA gave them talking points, including what to say
in response to a mass shooting. Lars Dalseide is one of the NRA’s
senior media liaison officers. If another mass shooting happens
in Australia, he advises One Nation 
to smear supporters of gun control by accusing them 
of exploiting the tragedy. Yeah. Mm-hmm. That guy is getting a lesson 
on how to spin the murder of children, and he’s reacting like he just heard 
“Uptown Funk” for the first time. He’s like, “I love that. What is this?” When that clip hit the internet, 
One Nation reps faced a lot of backlash,  but they had an airtight response. I’ll be the first to admit, 
we’d arrived in America, we’d got on the sauce, 
we’d had a few drinks, and that’s where those discussions
took place. They were on the sauce. I can’t tell if they came to America 
to meet the NRA  or have the best summer of their lives 
before they go to college. You know what? It’s fine. They apologized. They lived, they learned. But then, a month later… more footage leaked. A salacious strip club video 
has brought down  one of Pauline Hanson’s 
most trusted senate candidates. As secret footage of a One Nation 
Queensland Senate candidate Steve Dickson emerged from the shadows to spotlight a hands-on, 
booze-fueled September night out at a seedy Washington strip club. All right. That’s gross. But how much did they trust khaki guy? They’re like… “Hey, man. Like, why isn’t Dave getting
any lap dances?  And why is his armpit blinking?” 
They’re like, “Whatever. He’s our friend. We trust him.” No one has been able 
to roll back Australia’s gun laws. So, the NRA is trying to make sure 
nobody else pulls an Australia, which hasn’t been easy. Especially in New Zealand
after the Christchurch shooting. Six days. That’s how long it’s been 
since the deadly mosque shooting in New Zealand which took 
the lives of 50 innocent people,  and it took just six days 
for Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern to announce a nationwide ban on all military-style,
semi-automatic weapons. I can tell you one thing right now, 
our gun laws will change. As an American, that’s incredible 
and disheartening at the same time. It’s like being Elon Musk 
and seeing someone move any of their facial muscles. He’s like, “Wait, you can just do that?” As New Zealand mourned, 
the NRA kicked into gear. You want to know the difference between
the anti-gun left and us here at NRATV? They call New Zealand’s all out gun ban
of semi-automatic rifles, quote “What leadership looks like.” We call it what tyranny looks like. But gun advocates 
didn’t just criticize the prime minister. The world’s most powerful gun lobby group,
the NRA, has offered its help and support to gun enthusiasts here. “Oh, yes. I think so.” I love the way she said that, 
that was like the nicest way to say fuck off. Out of curiosity… have we tried telling the NRA
to just bugger off? We should just do that. One member of New Zealand’s parliament
was even sent material that appeared to be sourced directly 
from the NRA, accusing her of trying to take away
their Second Amendment rights to own guns. The only problem is… New Zealand doesn’t have
a Second Amendment… or the right to own guns. They just think every country 
has the right to own guns, including Africa, because they probably 
think Africa is a country. The NRA was more effective in Brazil, where gun violence has been rampant.
In 2005, Brazil had about 36,000 gun deaths, which was even more 
than the United States. That year, Brazil held a voter referendum to ban the sales of guns
and ammunition to citizens. So a pro-gun group reached out to the NRA
for help and the NRA sent a lobbyist. Now, the NRA denies funding 
any Brazilian pro-gun groups, but the NRA’s messaging 
still made it into Brazilian ads. Now, you guys probably know 
NRA’s talking point. Keep your hands of our guns 
and our freedom. No, not that one. The other one. The only thing that stops a bad guy 
with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Okay, we constantly hear about good guys
with guns and during the referendum, this ad… coincidentally ran in Brazil. They talk about disarmament… but they forgot to tell the criminals. They want to take away the good guns. But they’ll leave the bad guns alone. This won’t end well. Disarming the citizens 
is not the solution. Vote against prohibition. Vote one. Vote no. That’s insane. How did they get Ethan Hawke 
for that role? The NRA keeps trying to convince people 
in other countries  that they have a right to own guns, but just like New Zealand, Brazil doesn’t 
have the right to bear arms. The gun lobby just made it up. But it looks like these ads 
were still effective. Polls taken before the vote on the gun ban
show that 80% of Brazilians were in favor of greater gun control,
but the law was defeated two to one. Brazil didn’t pass gun control and now, their current president,
Jair Bolsonaro, is rolling back what little gun control Brazil does have. Brazil’s far-right 
President Jair Bolsonaro is reversing earlier strict regulations that essentially prevented civilians 
from bearing firearms. In order to guarantee the citizens 
this legitimate right of defense, I, as president, will use this weapon. Why are these guys obsessed with pens? Like, at least Trump had a Sharpie. Bolsonaro’s got a classic Bic.
Come on, man. Get a pen that doesn’t have 
a bank chain on it. You can get that shit at Wells Fargo. Bolsonaro signed that legislation 
five months ago, and he signed another executive order 
easing gun rules earlier this month. Bolsonaro loves the NRA
and so does his son. Bolsonaro, as well as his son
who was involved in the campaign  have really made a big sticking point 
of their fandom, really, of the NRA. He has all these gun replicas
on the walls, NRA signs. What’s up, guys? I’m here in the U.S.A. As you can see, a lot of guns. This is the famous AR-15, the devil’s gun, AK-47, the terrorist gun, a 50,  people call it a 50, 
you can bring down a plane with it. I like how “bringing down a plane” 
is his sales pitch for this gun. He’s like, “This baby can do everything.
It can stop all the worst people, murderers, intruders, Delta.” Like, why is he so obsessed with guns? Have you guys ever noticed this?
Like, people who are into guns, are really into guns. They’re like swords. Nobody has one sword. You either have zero swords, or so many swords 
that your kids stop bringing friends over. There’s no middle ground. The NRA’s influence is all over the world:
Brazil, Australia, New Zealand. But they don’t just coach 
foreign gun groups, they help spread guns abroad 
without even leaving the United States. For the last 50 years, the NRA’s U.S. agenda
has been about passing laws  that make it easier to buy guns, own guns, and use guns. You’ve probably heard about these laws:
concealed carry, preemption laws, and stand your ground,
which came in the national conversation after George Zimmerman 
gunned down Trayvon Martin. Now, I just want to take a quick beat 
to give you guys an update on what George Zimmerman has been up to,
because it is fucking crazy. After he got acquitted for murder, he became a painter. He sold a painting 
for over a hundred grand. He tried to auction off the gun
he killed Trayvon Martin with. He failed to sell the gun, tried again, failed again, tried a third time, succeeded.
How? I don’t know. That same year, got divorced, so… he’s officially on the market. He’s like, “Look, I’m a multihyphenate, I’m a killer, auctioneer, racist,
part-time horrible artist, full-time piece of shit, no hookups.
I’m looking for love.” Now, that’d be a great Tinder profile
if he hadn’t gotten banned from Tinder. Oh, by the way, he also challenged DMX to a boxing match. DMX seems pretty chill
about the whole thing, telling TMZ… Now… I know you’re shocked by that,
but you know who’s not shocked by that? Anyone who knows anything about DMX. They’re just like, 
“Damn, DMX is getting soft.” All the gun laws the NRA supports encourage the spread of guns 
in the U.S., but those guns are also 
making their way south to Mexico. Mexico points the finger at the U.S. for not doing enough to prevent 
an estimated 213,000 firearms from being smuggled into the country. The impact of those guns is felt
across Mexico. The murder rate this year is expected
to surpass that of 2017 with more than 30,000 killings. 30,000 killings. And what makes that stat 
even more shocking is that Mexico only has one gun store
in the entire country. I’m serious. We drive into this open military 
base and pull up right in front of Mexico’s one and only gun store, what’s formerly known as the Directorate 
of Arms and Munitions Sales. If they have one gun store, is it like Trader Joe’s on a Saturday 
all the time? Like, you go in and it’s just like,
“Aw, shit. I was just trying to get a Glock
and avocados, but this is nonsense.” It’s like, “Yeah, come back on a Tuesday,
it’s better on a Tuesday.” “All right, 
I’ll come during my lunch break.” Between 2009 and 2014, 70% of traceable guns seized in Mexico
came from the U.S., and it’s honestly impressive
that we could get that stat because the NRA has lobbied
to kill universal background checks and funding for tracking gun crimes. I mean, come on. America is never going to track guns. The only way we’d ever start
tracking guns is if they converted to Islam, that’s it. And on top of that, the Trump administration 
has proposed something called the Arms Transfer Initiative,  which can make it easier 
for U.S. companies to export guns and harder for lawmakers 
to get data on gun sales. And as someone 
who loves using government data to make 400 different graphs a week, I’m personally upset by this. So not only… could we have less information 
on where the guns are going, we also won’t always know
who the guns are going to, because the NRA has also fought to keep
straw purchasing laws weak. Straw purchasing is when
you can’t legally buy a gun  so you get someone else to buy it for you. You know, the same way 
teenagers get Four Loko. Straw purchasing is one of the main ways
criminals acquire firearms. And it’s something 
the NRA has fought for years. This gun was bought by two
U.S. citizens on behalf of a Mexican cartel. The investigation revealed 
a whole straw purchasing network, but their charge was based on lying 
on the paperwork. So what you’re prosecuting them for
is the fact that they filled in the form wrongly? Correct. There is currently 
no firearms trafficking statute that we can prosecute someone for. It doesn’t stop there. A huge number of recovered weapons 
in Central America can be traced back to the United States. 29% of guns in Guatemala, 46% of guns in Honduras 
and 49% in El Salvador. That’s half of the traceable gun supply
coming from America. And the gun violence in Central America 
is fueling the migrant crisis. Many immigrants say they’re fleeing 
gang violence in their home countries. Rival gangs like MS-13
and the 18th Street gang  kill thousands per year. This 16 year old fled 
with her two-year-old son. “It was one of the toughest decisions 
of my life,” she said. “But I’m afraid for my son
because of the violence and gangs here, so I had to try.” That’s heart-wrenching. And you would think 
that most people would understand that. But the NRA isn’t most people. The immigration invasion is real. These people are coming here 
to do harm to Americans. They dismember, 
they mutilate, they torture. Until you can prove to me 
that their borders are closed, you know, and that no one’s coming across 
with the intent to do harm or weapons, don’t talk to us about gun control. But we have to talk about gun control. The NRA has had undue influence 
on American politics for the last 50 years. But if the New York AG’s investigation
finds that the NRA can’t call themselves a nonprofit, that wouldn’t just hurt their bottom line. We would finally be recognizing 
the NRA for what they are: a political organization
with global influence. But that’s just a hope. As it stands, the NRA’s domestic push 
for loose gun laws is helping weapons flow to Central America,
which is contributing to violence, which is causing people
to flee that violence and seek asylum in the U.S., which the NRA is using 
to sell looser gun laws, and this cycle shows no signs of stopping. Look, the NRA clearly loves guns. Right? They obviously want 
to spread guns internationally, and yet, they are panicking about
immigrants invading with those guns. But maybe… those immigrants aren’t invading. Maybe, they’re just returning those guns 
to sender.

Justin Amash, The Only Republican Of His Kind


WELCOME ONE AND ALL. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW,” I’M
YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. AND, WELL, FOLKS —
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) — WE HAVE BEEN WAITING A LONG
TIME. WE HAVE BEEN WAITING WITH BAITED
BREATH AND IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED. THE THING WE’VE ALL WITHIN
WAITING FOR, A REPUBLICAN FINALLY READ THE MUELLER REPORT. THE READER IN QUESTION IS
MICHIGAN CONGRESSMAN AND GUY YOU’RE PRETTY SURE YOU WENT TO
HIGH SCHOOL WITH, JUSTIN AMASH. THIS WEEKEND, AMASH READ THE
REDACTED MUELLER REPORT AND “BECAME THE FIRST REPUBLICAN TO
SAY TRUMP ‘ENGAGED IN IMPEACHABLE CONDUCT.'”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>Jon: WELL, THERE WE ARE.>>Stephen: SO WITH THAT, I’D
LIKE TO OFFER THE REPUBLICAN PARTY THIS
APOLOGY: I KNOW I GIVE THE G.O.P. A HARD TIME AND OFTEN
IMPLY THAT YOU’RE A SPINELESS GROUP OF SELF-INTERESTED
TOADIES WHO’D RATHER SEE THE COUNTRY DESTROYED THAN STAND UP
TO AN OUT OF-CONTROL NARCISSISTIC TODDLER. ( LAUGHTER )
I WAS WRONG ABOUT ONE OF YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, SOME SAY THAT AMASH HAS NOW
MADE THE CALLS FOR TRUMP’S IMPEACHMENT “BIPARTISAN.” WELL, YEAH, TECHNICALLY. TECHNICALLY IN HIGH SCHOOL, ONCE
WE HAD A GIRL AT OUR DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS PARTY, BUT IT
DOESN’T MEAN IT WAS COED. “NO GUYS, I SWEAR THERE WERE A
LOT OF GIRL THERE.” ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) EXACTLY ZERO REPUBLICANS HAVE
JOINED AMASH IN CONDEMNING TRUMP. NOT EVEN FREQUENT DONALD TRUMP
CRITIC, UTAH SENATOR AND MAN WATCHING IN HORROR AS MAYONNAISE
IS MIXED WITH KETCHUP, MITT ROMNEY, WHO SAID THIS
YESTERDAY –>>I RESPECT HIM. I THINK IT’S A COURAGEOUS
STATEMENT. MY OWN VIEW IS THAT JUSTIN AMASH
HAS REACHED A DIFFERENT CONCLUSION THAN I HAVE.>>STEPHEN: “YES, HIS STATEMENT
IS COURAGEOUS. I CHOOSE NOT TO ENGAGE IN
COURAGE. THAT SOUNDS KIND OF DANGEROUS.” ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP FIRED BACK AT AMASH TWEETING, “NEVER A FAN OF
@JUSTINAMASH, A TOTAL LIGHTWEIGHT WHO OPPOSES ME AND
SOME OF OUR GREAT REPUBLICAN IDEAS AND POLICIES JUST FOR THE
SAKE OF GETTING HIS NAME OUT THERE THROUGH CONTROVERSY.” (AS TRUMP)
“THIS JUSTIN AMASH GUY JUST WANTS TO GET HIS NAME OUT THERE. THAT NAME BEING JUSTIN AMASH. ( LAUGHTER )
AND I WANT TO BE HERE TO ALL 60 MILLION OF MY FOLLOWERS,
FORGET THE NAME JUSTIN AMASH. THAT’S A-M-A-S-H. AMASH. (SINGING)
♪ JUSTIN AMASH ♪ HE’S JUSTIN AMASH
♪ JUSTIN AMASH ♪ HE SAID THAT I WAS TRASH
♪ JUSTIN AMASH ♪ HE MADE MY EGO CRASH
♪ JUSTIN AMASH ♪ MICHIGAN REPRESENTATIVE JUSTIN
AMASH. SO DUMB. ( LAUGHTER )
IF TRUMP DIDN’T TWEET ABOUT IT, AMASH WOULD BE A PAGE THREE NEWS
STORY, LIKE WAR WITH IRAN. ( LAUGHTER )
SPEAKING OF WHICH, UP UNTIL NOW, TRUMP HAS BEEN THE VOICE OF
REASON ON IRAN. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT’S THAT?>>Stephen: SORRY, I BLACKED
OUT THERE FOR A SECOND FROM SAYING
“TRUMP” AND “VOICE OF REASON” IN THE SAME SENTENCE. ( LAUGHTER )
FOR INSTANCE, IN AN INTERVIEW RECORDED ON THURSDAY, BUT
RELEASED YESTERDAY, HE SAID THIS —
>>I’M NOT SOMEBODY THAT WANTS TO GO INTO WAR BECAUSE WAR HURTS
ECONOMIES, WAR KILLS PEOPLE MOST IMPORTANTLY. BY FAR MOST IMPORTANTLY.>>STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
“YES, HUMAN LIFE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. WHICH IS WHY I ALWAYS SAY IT
LAST.” ( LAUGHTER )
BUT YESTERDAY, TRUMP PULLED A 180, TWEETING, “IF IRAN WANTS TO
FIGHT, THAT WILL BE THE OFFICIAL END OF IRAN. NEVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES
AGAIN!” (AS TRUMP)
“ALL I AM SAYING IS GIVE PEACE A CHANCE. OH, IT’S BEEN 24 HOURS? FIRE AT WILL.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren Explains Who Benefits From The Tax Bill


FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE FIRST
FEMALER? FROM THE STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS
AND THE MOST PERSISTENT. PLEASE WELCOME SENATOR ELIZABETH
WARREN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>Stephen: WE COULD JUST DO
THIS ALL NIGHT. THANK YOU FOR BEING BACK HERE. THE LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER
WAS MAYBE JULY OR SOMETHING OF 2016?>>IS THAT RIGHT?>>Stephen: IT WAS OVER A YEAR
AGO.>>HAS IT BEEN A WHILE? DONALD TRUMP WAS NOT
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON.>>I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS.>>Stephen: YEAH. HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN
PRESIDENT NOW?>>Stephen: 45 YEARS. YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.>>Stephen: IF MY BONE DENSITY
IS ANY INDICATION.>>THAT’S RIGHT. THEY WERE DOG YEARS, NOW THEY’RE
TRUMP YEARS. IT’S GOING TO BE HARD. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: USUALLY THE PRESIDENCY AGES HIM. WE’RE THE ONES GETTING OLDER
VERY QUICKLY.>>EXACTLY.>>Stephen: HERE’S THE
THING — SOMETIMES THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU AND THE PRESIDENT
AGREE. THERE ARE SOME RARE THINGS YOU
GUYS AGREE ON.>>WOW.>>Stephen: FOR INSTANCE, JUST
THE OTHER DAY, HE TWEETED THIS, HE SAID: POCAHONTAS JUST STATED
THAT THE DEMOCRATS LED BY THE LEGENDARY CROOKED HILLARY
CLINTON RIGGED THE PRIMARIES. LET’S GO F.B.I. AN JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT. THAT MUST HAVE FELT GOOD, THE
PRESIDENT AND YOU AGREED ON SOMETHING, BECAUSE JAKE TAPPER
DID ASK YOU IN AN INTERVIEW DO YOU THINK THE PRIMARIES WERE
RIGGED AND YOU SAID YES!>>SO LET’S DO BOTH HALVES. THE FIRST HALF, DONALD TRUMP
THINKS IF HE’S GOING TO START EVERY ONE OFFTHESE TWEETS TO ME
WITH SOME KIND OF RACIST SLUR HERE THAT HE’S GOING TO SHUT ME
UP. IT DIDN’T WORK IN THE PAST, IT’S
NOT GOING TO WORK IN THE FUTURE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: FAIR ENOUGH. NOT GONNA WORK! NOT GONNA WORK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: SO LET’S GET INTO THE SECOND HALF OF WHAT HE’S
SAYING. JAKE TAPPER ASKED YOU IF YOU
THOUGHT THE PRIMARIES HAD BEEN RIGGED AND YOU SAID YES. WOULD YOU LAKE TO —
>>LET’S CLARIFY. WE HAVE A PROBLEM AT THE D.N.C. AND NEW HEAD OF THE D.N.C. I SAID, YEAH, THERE ARE SOME
THINGS — WHO SAID THERE ARE THINGS WRONG AND WE SHOULDN’T
HAVE A THUMB ON THE SCALE AT THE D.N.C. AND HE IS GOING TO PUT IN
NEW RULES TO MAKE SURE THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS THE PARTY OF
THE PEOPLE SO WE CAN FIGHT FORWARD
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE
DOING A WEEK AGO TUESDAY WHEN DEMOCRATS WON ALL ACROSS THIS
COUNTRY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THAT’S WHY WE’RE HERE. IT’S TRUE.>>Stephen: SO THE ELECTION
2018 MIDTERMS ARE LESS THAN A YEAR AWAY.>>THAT’S RIGHT. I’M UP FOR REELECTION.>>Stephen: YOU’RE UP FOR
REELECTION? AR( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: ARE THE PEOPLE BACK HOME AS ENTHUSIASTIC AS THE
PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM BECAUSE IF P THEY ARE YOU DON’T HAVE TO
CAMPAIGN.>>I SURE HOPE. SO I’M OUT THERE.>>Stephen: WHAT ABOUT 2020? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>LOOK, WE’VE GOT TO BE REALLY CAREFUL HERE. I GET THE POINT ABOUT TRUMP
YEARS AND WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE RIGHT NOW, BUT WE’VE GOT FIGHTS
IN FRONT OF US RIGHT NOW. WE CAN’T PLAY THIS GAME OF EVERY
FOUR YEARS WE’RE GOING TO GET FOCUSED AND ACTIVE IN POLITICS. RIGHT NOW — RIGHT NOW — I
MEAN, LIKE, THIS PAST WEEK AND THE WEEK COMING UP, WE’VE GOT TO
FIGHT ON TAXES WHERE THE REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO PUSH
THROUGH A TAX BILL THAT HAS A TRILLION AND A HALF DOLLARS IN
GIVE WASTE FOR GIANT CORPORATIONS, FOR BILLIONAIRES,
AND I WANT TO PAY FOR IT BY HAVING WORKING FAMILIES’ TAXES
INCREASED. EVERYBODY UNDER $75,000. AND HERE’S HOW I SEE THIS, THIS
ISN’T ABOUT NUMBERS BUT VAL YIEWSSMENTS I DON’T BELIEVE ONE
MIDDLE CLASS PERSON IN AMERICA SHOULD HAVE HER TAXES RAISED IN
ORDER TO DO TAX GIVE WASTE TO BILLIONAIRES. THAT’S — GIVE AWAYS TO
BILLIONAIRES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: TRUMP SAYS HE WANTS TO GET A HUGE TAX CUT FOR
CRMS. WHY CAN’T IT A HUGE TAX CUT FOR
DEMOCRATS?>>ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
ACTUALLY READ IT. IT IS A TRILLION AND A HALF
DOLLARS IN CUTS.>>Stephen: DON’T MAKE ME READ
TAX POLICY. ( LAUGHTER )
>>FOR GIANT CORPORATIONS.>>Stephen: WHAT ABOUT THE
TRICKLE-DOWN THEORY? I MEAN, COHN HAS SAID THIS IS
TRICKLE DOWN, THAT YOUOU GIVE TH MONEY TO THE TOP OF THE
FINANCIAL PERMID DR. LET ME — PYRAMID — LET ME FINISH BEFORE
YOU TEAR IT APART — THAT THERE IS A BUCKET AT THE TOP OF THE
FINANCIAL PYRAMID OF AMERICA AND IF WE FILL THE BUCKET,
EVENTUALLY IT WOULD DRIBBLE DOWN TO THE REST OF AMERICA. THIS IDEA HAS BEEN SOLD TO THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE AT LEAST THREE TIMES IN MY ADULT LIFETIME. WHY CAN’T HE JUST SELL IT AGAIN?>>THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE’S
TRYING TO DO. FINK YOU LOOK AT THE SHOTS OF
HIM RIGHT AFTER HE SAID IT’S TRICK TOWN AGAIN, HE SAID IS
ANYBODY BUYING THIS? BECAUSE WE HAVE THE DATA,
TRICKLE DOWN DOESN’T WORK. WE HELP THE RICH GET RICHER, THE
RICH GET RICHER.>>Stephen: THE THEORY IS THE
RICH TIP PEOPLE MORE. THAT IS LITERALLY THE THEORY. ( LAUGHTER )
>>HERE’S THE DEAL, WE ACTUALLY HAVE RECORDED THE C.E.O.s OF
THESE BIG CORPORATIONS OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS HAVE BEEN DOING
THEIR QUARTERLY CALL REPORTS WHERE THEY TALK TO THE ANALYSTS
ON WALL STREET AND SAY BUY OUR STOCK BECAUSE WE’RE DOING A
GREAT JOB AND HERE’S WHAT’S HAPPENING, AND THEY HAVE BEEN
ASKED ABOUT, SO, IF YOU GET A TAX BREAK, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO WITH IT? AND THEY SAY, WE’RE GOING TO
GIVE BACK A LOT OF IT IN DIVIDENDS OR STOCK BUYBACKS TO
PUMP UP THE PRICE. THEY DON’T SAY WE’RE GOING TO
HIRE MORE PEOPLE, WE’RE GOING TO INVEST MORE HERE IN AMERICA. THEY SAY, WE’RE GOING TO
MAXIMIZE OUR RETURNS TO OUR WEALTHIEST SHAREHOLDERS. ETTES OUT THERE AND ALL WE HAVE
TO DO IS TAKE A LOOK AND SEE IT. WE GOT INTO A FIGHT OVER
HEALTHCARE WHERE REPUBLICANS SAID IT’S JUST FINE TO KNOCK
25 MILLION OFF THEIR HEALTHCARE COVERAGE, THAT THAT WAS JUST
REALLY COOL WITH THEM. ONE POLITICAL PARTY, DEMOCRATS,
SAID NO, HEALTHCARE IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT AND WE FIGHT FOR
BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DO THAT. NOW, THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS IS
THAT WE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH VOTES OPEN THE DEMOCRATIC SIDE TO STOP
THE REPUBLICANS WHEN THEY WERE READY TO ROLL BACK HEALTHCARE. BUT WHAT WE DID DO IS WE GOT
PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY ENGAGED IN THE FIGHT. WE GOT DEMOCRATS AROUND THE
COUNTRY, BUT LET’S BE BLUNT, REPUBLICANS, INDEPENDENTS,
LIBERTARIANS AROUND THE COUNTRY, VEGETARIANS AROUND THE
COUNTRY — ( LAUGHTER )
— WE HAD EVERYBODY, AND PEOPLE GOT OUT THERE AND SAID, I
BELIEVE HEALTHCARE IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT, GOT IN THE FIGHT
AND WE SAVED HEALTHCARE FOR 25 MILLION AMERICANS. DEMOCRACY DID THIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WELL, I THINK, IF I’M NOT MISTAKEN, I HEARD THE
STATISTIC TODAY SOME POLLS ARE SHOWING ONLY ABOUT 25% OF
RESPONDENTS IN POLLS LIKE THIS TAX BILL AND THAT 52% OF
AMERICANS STRONGLY OPPOSE.>>THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: WHICH IS REALLY
EXTRAORDINARY FOR PEOPLE TO BE PAYING THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO
THE SUBSTANCE AS OPPOSED TO THE MESSAGING OF A TAX BILL. BUT DO YOU AGREE THAT SOMETHING
HAS TO BE DONE WITH OUR TAXES? BECAUSE OUR TAXES ARE TOO
COMPLICATED. PEOPLE DO WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO
THEIR TAXES ON A POSTCARD. THAT IS WHAT THE REPUBLICANS
PROMISE. WHAT YOU COULD DO TO ACHIEVE
THAT END?>>IF THE REPUBLICANS STARTED
OUT AND SAID LET’S DO WHAT WE CAN TO MAKE TAXES FARER FOR
MIDDLE CLASS FAMILIES, THEN I AM ALL IN. I WILL JUMP IN BOTH FEET, READY
TO GO, I WILL BRING THE DONUTS AND WE CAN HAVE THE MEETING AND
I’LL BRING DUNKIN’. IT WILL WORK, RIGHT? ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THAT’S NOT WHERE THIS TAX PROPOSAL STARTED. THIS TAX PROPOSAL STARTED WITH
THE DONORS TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, AND THEY HAVE BEEN REALLY
BLUNT ABOUT THIS.>>Stephen: THAT YOU HAVE TO
GET THE TAX CUT OR YOU GUYS ARE OUT.>>FOR RETURN ON INVESTMENT. AND WHAT THESE DONORS TO THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY ARE SAYING, EITHER YOU PRODUCE A TAX CUT
RIGHT NOW THIS TIME, OR COME 2018 ELECTIONS, YOU’RE NOT GOING
TO GET THE SAME KIND OF DONATIONS THAT WE’VE GIVEN YOU
IN THE PAST. IN OTHER WORDS, THIS TAX CUT
STARTED AT THE TOP TO PAY OFF A HANDFUL OF BIG-TIME REPUBLICAN
DONORS, AN OUR ONLY CHANCE TO FIGHT THIS THING BACK IS JUST
LIKE IT WAS WITH HEALTHCARE, MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ACROSS THIS
COUNTRY OUT THERE TWEETING AND POSTING AND PROTESTING, TAKING
TO THE STREETS AND SAYING NO. ( APPLAUSE )
THAT’S WHAT IT’S GOING TO TAKE.>>Stephen: WE’VE GOT TO TAKE
A LITTLE BREAK. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
ELIZABETH WARREN.

Just One Question: Democratic Candidates Edition


FOLKS, WELL, THIS LATEST ROUND
OF DEMOCRATIC DEBATE IS FINALLY OVER. IT FELT A LITTLE LIKE
THANKSGIVING DINNER. EVERYONE WAS FIGHTING, IT WAS
WAY TOO LONG AND AT THE END GRANDPA ASKED EVERYONE TO CALL
HIM. BUT EVEN AFTER TWO NIGHTS THERE
IS STILL SO MUCH WE DON’T KNOW ABOUT THESE CANDIDATES. IN FACT, MANY STAFF MEMBERS HERE
AT THE LATE SHOW WISH THEY HAD A CHANCE TO ASK THE CANDIDATES
JUST ONE QUESTION, SO I LET THEM DO JUST THAT. THIS IS THE LATE SHOW’S JUST ONE
QUESTION.>>WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO RUN.>>I LOVE MY COUNTRY. AND I KNOW WE ARE BETTER THAN
THIS.>>I THINK I’M ONE OF MILLIONS
OF PEOPLE ASKING DEEP DOWN HOW COULD I POSSIBLY HELP. HOW COULD MY SKILL SET POSSIBLY
BE OF USE. AND THIS IS WHAT I CAME UP WITH.>>IF YOU HAD TO NAME JUST ONE
POLICY ISSUE THAT YOU BELIEVE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT WHAT WOULD IT
BE.>>PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT
ONE IS CLIMATE CHANGE BECAUSE IT REPRESENTS AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT
TO OUR COUNTRY AND OUR WORLD.>>WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 20 FAVORITE
WORDS.>>OH, MY TOP FAVORITE WORDS,
LOVE, KINDNESS, TENDERNESS, BEAUTY.>>HOW MANY OF THE THE OTHER
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES CAN YOU NAME.>>HMMMM, OKAY, SO THERE IS CORY
AND KIRSTEN AND ELIZABETH AND BERNIE AND I THINK THERE SAY
DARRYL, IS THERE A DARRYL? IS THERE A DARRYL. I THINK THERE IS A DARRYL IN
THERE.>>COMPASSION, NATURE, A FEW
NAMES OF PEOPLE THAT I DON’T WANT TO SAY.>>YOU WERE A BOMBA’S SECRETARY
OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF IT THE IMIE CURRENTLY DOING THAT JOB.>>NO ONE IS CURRENTLY DOING
THAT JOB.>>I THOUGHT IT WAS BEN CARSON.>>EXACTLY.>>BABIES DID I REACH 20 YEET?>>YOU HAVE BEEN COMMENDED FOR
YOUR QUESTIONING DURING CONGRESSIONAL HARRINGS, HOW HARD
IS THAT TO DO?>>EXCUSE ME, I’M ASKING THE THE
QUESTIONS HERE.>>NO, I WAS SPECIFICALLY TOLD I
GOT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.>>IS THAT A YES OR A NO.>>TO WHAT?>>YES? OR NO?>>YES.>>I YIELD BACK THE BALANCE OF
MY TIME.>>I WOULD LIKE TO ASK ABOUT AN
ISSUE THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?>>I BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE MANY
DIMENSIONS OF EXPERIENCE BEYOND WHAT THE EYES CAN SEE.>>HOW ABOUT VAMPIRES.>>AW VAMPIRE TO ME IS A
DESCRIPTION OF A FORCE OF CONSCIOUSNESS. BUT DO I BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A
FORCE OF CONSCIOUSNESS WITHIN ALL OF US THAT IS FILLED WITH
FEAR AND TAKES FORMS THAT ARE DARK IN HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS,
YES, I DO.>>WAIT, SO THAT IS A YES?>>NEXT QUESTION.>>LET ME ASK YOU THIS. AS PRESIDENT MOW WOULD YOU
HANDLE INDEPENDENCE DAY.>>WELL, I KNOW ONE THING, I
WOULDN’T MAKE IT ALL ABOUT MYSELF THE WAY DONALD TRUMP
TRIED TO.>>NO, I MEAN LIKE THE MOVIE,
INDEPENDENCE DAY. HOW WOULD YOU SAVE US FROM AN
ALIEN INVASION.>>WELL, FOR THAT I WOULD
CONSULT AN EXPERT.>>JULIAN, THANK YOU, YES, YES,
YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT GUY. HERE IS WHAT YOU DO, I THOUGHT A
LOT ABOUT THIS. AND HERE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DO. YOU UPLOAD A COMPUTER VIRUS TO
THE ALIEN MOTHERSHIP, OF COURSE. BUT, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT. YOU HAVE GOT TO USE A MACBOOK
FROM 1996.>>AWESOME.>>CAN YOU SAY SOMETHING
POSITIVE ABOUT DONALD TRUMP?>>I’M POS IT TIFF HE SHOULD NOT
BE PRESIDENT. (APPLAUSE).

The James Corden Response to Trump’s Wall Address


LET’S
GET RIGHT INTO IT. NOW, AS YOU KNOW, DONALD TRUMP
GAVE HIS BIG OVAL OFFICE SPEECH ABOUT THE BORDER WALL TONIGHT. IF YOU WATCHED, YOU’LL KNOW IT
WAS VERY BLEAK, DARK, AND PUNCTUATED BY MORE THAN A FEW
SNIFFLES. TO BE HONEST, THEY COULD HAVE
AIRED A RERUN OF AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
MORE NUANCED, PATRIOTIC, AND REASSURING. TRUMP LAID OUT AN ARGUMENT FOR
HIS WALL SAYING THAT THE COUNTRY IS AT A CROSSROADS. TAKE A LOOK.>>THIS IS A HUMANITARIAN
CRISIS. A CRISIS OF THE HEART. A CRISIS OF THE SOUL. AND WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO’S
COMPLETELY ILL-EQUIPPED TO HANDLE THIS CRISIS BECAUSE HE
HAS NEITHER. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>>James: THE WHOLE THING WAS
INCREDIBLY STRANGE. AND THEN LATER, TRUMP HAD THIS
TO SAY ABOUT FUNDING FOR THE WALL. TAKE A LOOK.>>THE BORDER WALL WOULD QUICKLY
PAY FOR ITSELF.>>James: YES. WHEN HE’S NOT USING IT, HE’S
GOING TO AIR BNB IT TO CANADA. IS IT A WALL OR SOMEONE ON A
— THE WALL WILL QUICKLY PAY FOR ITSELF. IS IT A WALL OR
IS IT A WALL OR SOMEONE ON A NIGHTMARE TINDER DATE? THIS ALL COMES OFF THE
ANNOUNCEMENT THAT IN TWO DAYS, THE PRESIDENT WILL TRAVEL TO THE
SOUTHWEST IN ORDER TO VISIT THE BORDER BETWEEN THE UNITED STATES
AND MEXICO. TRUMP WANTS TO SEE IF SANTA LEFT
HIM THAT BRAND-NEW WALL HE ASKED FOR. ON THE TRIP, MELANIA WILL BE
ACCOMPANYING DONALD FOR SUPPORT AS WELL AS TO GET IDEAS FOR THE
WALL SHE PLANS TO BUILD ON HER SIDE OF THE BEDROOM. SPEAKING OF THE BORDER WALL,
DONALD TRUMP RECENTLY CLAIMED THAT SEVERAL FORMER PRESIDENTS
HAVE VOICED SUPPORT FOR HIS WALL. BUT HERE’S THE THING, SINCE HE
SAID THAT, EVERY LIVING PRESIDENT HAS DENIED IT. FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER
WAS THE LAST ONE TO DENY THIS CLAIM, ALTHOUGH I DON’T THINK
ANYONE WAS SITTING AROUND GOING “YOU KNOW THAT LIFELONG DEMOCRAT
WHO QUIT POLITICS TO BUILD HOUSES FOR POOR PEOPLE? I BET HE’S GOT TRUMP’S BACK.” BUT IT’S NOT JUST THE LIVING
PRESIDENTS WHO HAVE COME FORWARD TO DISPUTE TRUMP’S CLAIMS. AND THIS STATISTIC REALLY CAUGHT
OUR ATTENTION. “THE WASHINGTON POST” SAYS THAT
DONALD TRUMP HAS MADE 7,645 FALSE OR MISLEADING STATEMENTS
AS PRESIDENT. AND THAT WAS JUST FROM TONIGHT’S
SPEECH ALONE. DONALD TRUMP SAYS THE REPORT
ISN’T TRUE, AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE HIM, HE’S GOT EVERY
SINGLE LIVING PRESIDENT TO BACK HIM UP ON THAT. AND FINALLY, SOME FRENCH NEWS,
OR AS THEY CALL THAT IN FRANCE, NEWS. THE FIRST RESTAURANT IN PARIS
CREATED EXCLUSIVELY FOR NAKED DINERS HAS ANNOUNCED IT IS
CLOSING DUE TO A LACK OF CUSTOMERS. YES, I KNOW WHAT A SHAME. IS THIS A SHOCK TO ANYONE? SCALDING HOT SOUP AND NO PANTS
DON’T MIX. THEY OBVIOUSLY HAD SOME
PROBLEMS. IT’S THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY
THAT A HEALTH INSPECTOR HAS EVER ISSUED A RATING OF “NOPE.”