The Government and Hinduism | Stand-up Comedy by Himesh Panta



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Stephen Colbert Unpacks The First Debate Of The 2020 Campaign



WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
LATE SHOW." PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU SO MUCH. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW WE ARE LIVE–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A LIVE– THAT'S A LIVE
AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE. IT IS JUST CRACKLING WITH
ELECTRICITY IN HERE BECAUSE– ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: SHAKE, RATTLE AND ROLL. >> Stephen: WE ARE LIVE AFTER
THE FIRST TWO OF DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES. I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT
IT, IF BILL de BLASIO DOESN'T INTERRUPT ME. ( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT– TONIGHT, WEDNESDAY, WAS THE UNDERCARD,
PITTING ELIZABETH WARREN, CORY BOOKER, AND BETO O'ROURKE
AGAINST SEVEN PEOPLE ANGLING FOR MSNBC SHOWS. ( LAUGHTER )
THERE WERE SOME CHALLENGES– EXCITING NIGHT, BUT THERE WERE
CHALLENGES. THEY TALKED OVER EACH OTHER,
THERE WERE SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, BUT IT WAS AN
EXCELLENT DRESS REHEARSAL FOR TOMORROW'S ACTUAL DEBATE. ( LAUGHTER )
VERY GOOD. VERY ENTERTAINING. FINAL PREVIEW. FINAL PREVIEW, WE CALL THAT ON
BROADWAY. NOW, I TUNED INTO NBC EARLY, AND
WHAT I SAW GOT ME REALLY GOT ME EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW
DEBATE FORMAT. UNFORTUNATELY, THAT WAS ELLEN'S
"GAME OF GAMES." THOUGH, THAT GIANT BOOT WOULD
HAVE BEEN WELCOME ANY ONE OF BILL de BLASIO'S INTERRUPTIONS. NOW, THE BIGGEST EARLY MOMENT
WAS A LINGUISTIC SURPRISE FROM BETO O'ROURKE. >> THIS ECONOMY HAS GOT TO WORK
FOR EVERYONE, AND RIGHT NOW, WE KNOW THAT IT ISN'T. AND IT'S GOING TO TAKE ALL OF US
COMING TOGETHER TO MAKE SURE THAT IT DOES. (SPEAKING SPANISH)
>> Stephen: I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHY HE FELT HE HAD TO DO
THAT. HE'S EITHER TRYING TO LOCK UP
THE HISPANIC VOTE OR RUNNING FOR "EMBARRASSING DAD AT A
MEXICAN RESTAURANT." ( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S THE THING– ( APPLAUSE )
D– HERE'S THE CRAZY THING: WHEN
BETO WAS HABLAING THE ESPANOL, THIS IS TRUE–
IN THE CLOSED CAPTIONING, IT JUST SAID
"SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE." I REALLY LIKE THAT! REALLY GOT THROUGH! REALLY PENETRATED! "FOREIGN LANGUAGE?"
CAN WE GET A LOOK AT NBC'S CLOSED CAPTIONING GUY? YEAH, MAKES SENSE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND CORY BOOKER WAS NOT HAVING
IT. CHECK OUT THE SIDE-EYE HE GAVE
BETO. DAMN! THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY THING. BUT THE MODERATORS WEREN'T READY
TO TAKE "SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE" AS AN ANSWER. >> THAT'S TIME, SIR. I'LL GIVE YOU TEN SECONDS TO
ANSWER IF YOU WANT TO ANSWER THE DIRECT QUESTION "WOULD YOU
SUPPORT A 70% INDIVIDUAL MARGINAL TAX RATE?"
YES, NO, OR PASS? >> Stephen: (AS BETO)
UM… "NO HABLO INGLES." ( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT AFTER BETO, JULIAN CASTRO HAD A CHANCE TO SPEAK. >> YOU KNOW, I GREW UP WITH A
MOTHER WHO RAISED MY BROTHER, JOAQUIN, AND ME AS A SINGLE
PARENT. AND I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE… >> Stephen: (AS CASTRO)
"… TO ACTUALLY SPEAK SPANISH." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE FORMER CONGRESSMAN FROM MARYLAND HAD A CHANCE FOR A
REBUTTAL. >> CONGRESSMAN DELANEY, DO YOU
AGREE? >> Stephen: AND, CONGRESSMAN,
KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS THE ONLY TIME WE WILL BE CALLING ON YOU. SO IF YOU SPEAK SPANISH, OR EVEN
PIG LATIN, I WOULD EAK-SPAY IT-YAY OW-NAY." ( LAUGHTER )
DELANEY TRIED TO STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD. >> YOU KNOW, I'M VERY DIFFERENT
THAN EVERYONE ELSE HERE ON THE STAGE. >> Stephen: (AS DELANEY)
"UNLIKE THE OTHERS, I'M JUST DOING THIS ON A DARE FROM MY
BROTHER-IN-LAW. JOKE'S ON YOU, RICK! PAY UP! I'M ON STAIN." WASHINGTON GOVERNOR JAY INSLEE
SPOKE ABOUT THE MASSIVE WEALTH GAP FOR AMERICAN WORKERS. >> IT ISS NOT RIGHT THAT THE
C.E.O. OF McDONALD'S MAKES 2,100 TIMES MORE THAN THE PEOPLE
SLINGING HASH AT McDONALD'S. >> Stephen: (AS INSLEE)
"YOU KNOW, THE WORKERS SLINGING HASH ON THE FLAT-TOP, WITH TWO
SUNNY-SIDES ON RYE. HI, I'M JAY INSLEE, AND I HAVE
NEVER STEPPED INSIDE A McDONALDS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"WITH ADAM & EVE ON A RAFT. AMY KLOBUCHAR TRIED TO SET
HERSELF APART FROM TRUMP. >> THE PRESIDENT LITERALLY WENT
ON TV, ON FOX, AND SAID THAT PEOPLE'S HEADS WOULD SPIN WHEN
THEY'D SEE HOW MUCH HE WOULD BRING DOWN PHARMACEUTICAL
PRICES. INSTEAD, 2,500 DRUGS HAVE GONE
UP IN DOUBLE DIGITS SINCE HE CAME INTO OFFICE. INSTEAD, HE GAVE $100 BILLION IN
GIVEAWAYS TO THE PHARMA COMPANIES. FOR THE REST OF US, FOR THE REST
OF AMERICA, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL AT HOME "ALL FOAM AND NO BEER." >> Stephen: IF THAT'S A METAPHOR
YOU FREQUENTLY USE, SENATOR, THEN, AS WE SAY BACK IN SOUTH
CAROLINA, "I'M A SHRIMP SANDWICH IN A THUNDERSTORM." ( LAUGHTER )
EVERY CANDIDATE LIT UP WHEN IT CAME TO THE SUBJECT OF HEALTH
CARE. >> TO STAY THE WAY IT IS,
BECAUSE IT'S NOT WORKING FOR FAMILIES, BUT IT SURE AS HECK IS
WORKING FOR– IT'S TIME FOR US TO MAKE
FAMILIES COME FIRST. >> GOVERNOR INSLEE? >> IT SHOULD NOT BE AN OPTION IN
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FOR ANY INSURANCE COMPANY TO DENY A
WOMAN COVERAGE FOR THEIR EXERCISE OF THEIR RIGHT OF
CHOICE. >> Stephen: NOTHING LIKE
INTERRUPTING A WOMAN TO TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU CARE ABOUT THE
RIGHTS OF WOMEN. THANK YOU, GOVERNOR. THANK YOU! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. ABOUT 35 MINUTES INTO THE
DEBATE, AS THE CANDIDATES WERE TALKING ABOUT THE TRAGEDY AT THE
BORDER, TRUMP FINALLY WEIGHED IN TWEETING, "BORING!"
"HUMANITARIAN CATASTROPHES THAT I DIRECTLY CAUSED? BEEN THERE. LITERALLY DONE THAT!"
AND WHEN THE TOPIC TURNED TO THE BORDER CRISIS, BOOKER TOOK
BETO'S SPANISH AND RAISED HIM MUCHO MAS. ( SPEAKING SPANISH )
>> Stephen: OH, SNAP! IT IS– IT IS ON! IT IS ON! IT IS A ESPANOL-OFF! OR, AS THEY SAY IT IN
SPANISH, "GRUPO DE IDIOTAS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HOPE I SAID THAT RIGHT. I DON'T– I DON'T SPEAK "FOREIGN
LANGUAGE." BY THE WAY, GUYS, THERE'S SO
MUCH SPANISH ON STAGE, ICE IS CLOSING IN. GET OUT OF THERE! THEN, TELEMUNDO ANCHOR JOSE
BALART CALLED BETO ON HIS LOS TALKING POINTS. ( SPEAKING SPANISH )
>> Stephen: (AS BETO) "… UH, THAT WAS NOT ONE OF THE
PHRASES I MEMORIZED, SIR. YOU ARE SPEAKING– YOU ARE
SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE, I BELIEVE." >> IF YOU GO TO GUANTANAMO BAY,
THERE ARE TERRORISTS THAT ARE HELD THAT GET BETTER HEALTH CARE
THAN THOSE KIDS THAT HAVE TRIED TO CROSS THE BORDER INTO THE
UNITED STATES. >> Stephen: YES, LET'S SEND
THOSE KIDS TO GUANTANAMO BAY! WAIT, NO. I TAKE THAT BACK! TWO NEW MODERATORS TOOK OVER AT
HALF TIME RACHEL MADDOW AND CHUCK TODD, WHICH RAWZED THE
QUESTION: IS IT POSSIBLE THIS
DEBATE WILL HAVE MORE HOSTS THAN CANDIDATES? THEN COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOS. MANY OF YOU ARE CALLING FOR A
RESTORATION OF AN ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN. BUT EVEN IF–
>> EVERYBODY'S MICS ARE ON. I THINK WE HAVE– A– I HEARD
THAT, TOO. I THINK WE HAVE A MIC ISSUE IN
THE BACK. WE HAVE THE AUDIENCE AUDIO. >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, AS I
WAS SAYING, OBVIOUSLY, THIS IS A DEEPLY SENSITIVE AND TRAGIC
ISSUE, AND NOW IT APPEARS THAT A BURCH OF SPRAY DOGS HAVE
WANDERED ON TO THE STAGE. THE DOGS ARE NOW HUMPING BILL
de BLASIO'S LEG. CONTROL ROOM! CONTROL ROOM! WE'RE HEARING THE HUMPING! CAN WE TURN OFF THE MIC THAT WE
FOR SOME REASON PUT ON BILL de BLASIO'S LEG? THANK YOU VERY MUCH! BUT DHAI GOT THAT FIXED AND THEY
KEPT GOING, BUT NOT REALLY. >> BUT, EVEN IF IT'S PUT IN
PLACE THERE ARE STILL GOING TO BE PERHAPS HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS
OF GUNS STILL ON THE STREETS. IS THERE A ROLE FOR THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT IN ORDER TO– TO PLAY IN ORDER TO GET THESE GUNS OFF
THE STREETS? ( SPEAKING IN BACKGROUND ). >> WHAT'S HAPPENING? >> WE ARE HEARING OUR
COLLEAGUES' AUDIO. IF THE CONTROL ROOM COULD TURN
OFF THE MICS. YEAH, IF THE CONTROL ROOM COULD
TURN OFF THE MICS OF OUR PREVIOUS MODERATORS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> YOU KNOW, WE PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING. >> GUESS WHAT, GUYS. >> WE DID NOT PREPARE FOR THIS. >> Stephen: WOW, THAT IS
REALLY EMBARRASSING TO HAVE A LIVE SHOW WHERE YOU DON'T KNOW
WHOSE MICS ARE ON WHOSE MICS ARE OFF
( SPEAKING IN BACKGROUND ) PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE
THING YOU'RE TRYING TO ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ENTIRE TIME
THAT YOU'RE TALK. PEOPLE BEHIND YOU ARE JUST
TALKING ON THEIR MICROPHONES THE ENTIRE TIME. AND, JON. A. YOU GOT TO GET SOME –>> Step
JON. I'M TRYING TO DO THE MONOLOGUE. YOUR MIC IS ON. THIS IS LIVE. >> Jon: YEAH, I KNOW IT IS. IT'S GOING GREAT, I THINK. I WAS REALLY JUST TRYING TO SEE
IF YOU WANTED TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT AFTER THIS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YEAH, CHINESE WOULD BE GREAT ONCE ALL OF THAT
CLEARED UP, MADDOW ASKED JAY INSLEE ABOUT HIS CENTRAL
CAMPAIGN TOPIC– CLIMATE CHANGE. >> WE'RE HERE IN MIAMI, WHICH IS
ALREADY EXPERIENCING SERIOUS FLOODING ON SUNNY DAYS AS A
RESULT OF SEA LEVEL RISE. DOES YOUR PLAN SAVE MIAMI? >> YES. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE BIGGEST SOFTBALL A PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE CAN HOPE FOR. "I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS,
I BELIEVE THE PEOPLE OF THIS GREAT CITY SHOULD NOT DROWN! NO, I– I DON'T!"
( APPLAUSE ) AND WHILE THEY WERE TALKING
CLIMATE CHANGE, JOHN DELANEY DID HIS BEST TO YANK THE SPOTLIGHT
OVER TO HIS CORNER. >> I INTRODUCED THE ONLY
BIPARTISAN CARBON TAX BILL– >> 30 SECONDS. >> Stephen: "AND THAT'S WHY I
LOST MY CONGRESSIONAL SEAT, RACHEL. CARD ON THE TABLE, GUYS. I NEED THIS JOB. I'M SORRY! I SAID I WOULDN'T CRY. I JUST…" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN, CONGRESSWOMAN FROM HAWAII, TULSI GABBARD AND TIM RYAN GOT
INTO IT OVER NATIONAL SECURITY. >> THE REALITY OF IT IS IF THE
UNITED STATES ISN'T ENGAGED, THE TALIBAN WILL GROW. WE HAVE GOT TO HAVE SOME
PRESENCE THERE– >> THE TALIBAN WAS THERE LONG
BEFORE WE CAME IN. THEY'LL BE THERE LONG BEFORE WE
LEAVE. >> EXACT– THEY WERE. >> WE CANNOT KEEP U.S. DEPLOYING
TO AFGHANISTAN THINKING WE'RE GOING TO SOMEHOW SQUASH THIS
TALIBAN THAT HAVE BEEN THERE. >> I DIDN'T SAY SQUASH THEM. I DIDN'T STAY SQUASH THEM. WHEN WE WEREN'T IN THERE THEY
STARTED FLYING PLANES INTO OUR BUILDINGS. >> THE TALIBAN DIDN'T ATTACK US
ON 9/11. AL QAEDA DID. THAT'S WHY I AND SO MANY OTHER
PEOPLE JOINED THE MILITARY TO GO AFTER AL QAEDA, NOT THE TALIBAN. >> Stephen: TULSI, TIM,
PLEASE, DON'T FIGHT! YOU'RE BOTH NOT GOING TO BE
PRESIDENT! PLEASE, JUST–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TIM RYAN IDENTIFIED WHAT HE
THOUGHT WAS THE BIGGEST THREAT BUT HAD A CONFUSING EXPLANATION
WHY. >> CHINA, WITHOUT A QUESTION,
THEY'RE WIPING US AROUND THE WORLD. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: AND THE AWARD FOR BEST CLIP THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT
SHOULD HAVE BEEN BLEEPED GOES TO… TIM RYAN FOR "THE WEIRD
THING ABOUT CHINA WIPING US." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CONGRATULATIONS. THEN IT WAS TIME FOR CLOSING
STATEMENTS. AND IT DID NOT GO GREAT FOR JOHN
DELANEY. >> IT'S TIME NOW FOR CLOSING
STATEMENTS. EACH CANDIDATE HAS 45 SECONDS. WE WANT TO BEGIN WITH FORMER
CONGRESSMAN DELANEY. >> I'M CLOSING NOW? ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OH! OH, JOKING NOW? IT'S NOT EASY TO BE HILARIOUS
AND HEARTBREAKING AT THE SAME TIME. BRAVO, SIR. AND CASTRO CLOSED WITH THE
NIGHT'S BIGGEST BILINGUAL ZINGER. >> AND ON JANUARY 20, 2021,
WE'LL SAY ADIOS TO DONALD TRUMP. >> Stephen: STRONG WORDS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STRONG WORDS. POWERFUL STATEMENT. I GOTTA SAY, A VERY POWERFUL
STATEMENT. IF ONLY BETO O'ROURKE WOULD
TRANSLATE WHAT THAT MEANS. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, EVERYBODY. FOR REACTION TO TONIGHT'S DEBATE
I WILL BE JOINED BY ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ. AND THEN "MEANWHILE." STICK AROUND
EVERYBODY.

Jimmy Fallon Sings Advice to Democratic Candidates: "Don't Become a Meme"



All through the debate, the number-one trend on Twitter
was "memes." Yeah, people were memeing
everything in the debate. It's actually a great lesson
for the candidates. Everything you do or say
can become a meme, so you gotta be careful. Uh, let me explain. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ ♪ When you're runnin'
for the White House ♪ ♪ And you want to get ahead ♪ ♪ You gotta get attention ♪ ♪ Or else your campaign's dead ♪ ♪ Iowa, New Hampshire ♪ ♪ It's always been your dream ♪ ♪ And it might work out ♪ ♪ Just don't become a meme ♪ ♪ Don't become a meme ♪ ♪ You gotta keep
your image clean ♪ ♪ Don't become a meme ♪ ♪ Some things can't be unseen ♪ ♪ Don't elbow your wife ♪ ♪ Don't scream for your life ♪ -Byah! -♪ Don't fall off your chair ♪ ♪ Eat a corn dog at the fair ♪ ♪ Don't try to high-five ♪ ♪ Don't drink water live ♪ ♪ Don't open your jaws ♪ ♪ Don't ask for applause ♪ -Please clap. [ Applause ] -♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Don't you know that ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ Roots, help me out. -♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ -Come on, now! -♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ -Harmonize. Here we go. -♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ ♪ Everything you do
ends up on YouTube ♪ -♪ And if you wanna be sure ♪ ♪ That your supporters
do not vanish ♪ ♪ Keep this in your head ♪ ♪ Don't ever try to speak
Spanish if you don't know how ♪ -El hombre del peluquin. [ Laughter ] -[ Singing in Spanish ] ♪♪ ♪ Don't become a meme ♪ ♪ Don't become a m-e-e-e-eme ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, Roots. Give it up
for The Roots right there.

Trump Might Regret Becoming President



WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DO YOU THINK DONALD TRUMP EVER REGRETS WINNING THE PRESIDENCY
( LAUGHTER ) NOT AS MUCH AS WE DO, BUT JUST A
LITTLE? ( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT NOW, HE'S BEING INVESTIGATED BY MULTIPLE
CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEES. THE MUELLER REPORT COULD DROP
ANY MINUTE, AND THAT FLAG HE HUGGED IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY
RONAN FARROW. YESTERDAY, THE HOUSE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE SENT LETTERS DEMANDING INFORMATION FROM OVER 80 PEOPLE
AND INSTITUTIONS CONNECTED TO TRUMP, INCLUDING THE WHITE
HOUSE, THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, SENIOR CAMPAIGN OFFICIALS, TRUMP
ORGANIZATION OFFICIALS, AND THE PRESIDENT'S SONS. ERIC WAS SO EXCITED TO GET MAIL. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S NOT JUST– IT'S NOT
JUST THE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE. THE CHAIRMEN OF THREE OTHER
COMMITTEES ARE DEMANDING DOCUMENTS ON TRUMP'S
COMMUNICATIONS WITH PUTIN AND INTERVIEWS WITH "LINGUISTS,
TRANSLATORS, OR INTERPRETERS WHO PARTICIPATED IN, ATTENDED, OR IN
ANY WAY LISTENED IN ON PRESIDENT TRUMP'S IN-PERSON MEETINGS WITH
PUTIN, AS WELL AS PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PHONE CALLS WITH
PRESIDENT PUTIN." TO WHICH PUTIN RESPONDED:
(AS PUTIN) : "DA, GOOD LUCK FINDING
TRANSLATORS. ( LAUGHTER )
ESPECIALLY THE PARTS THAT TALK." ( LAUGHTER )
THESE INVESTIGATIONS COME ON TOP OF ALL THE OTHER INVESTIGATIONS
GOING ON. TRUMP IS CURRENTLY BEING LOOKED
INTO BY THE SPECIAL COUNSEL, THE U.S. ATTORNEY FOR THE SOUTHERN
SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK, THE F.B.I., THE MARSHALL TUCKER
BAND, THE HOUSE COMMITTEE ON OVERSIGHT AND REFORM, MOLLY
HATCHET, THE HOUSE COMMITTEE ON WAYS AND MEANS, LYNYRD SKYNYRD,
THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE, THE ALLMAN BROTHERS,
THE SENATE SELECT COMMITTEE ON INTELLIGENCE, AND MANY MORE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL THE ORIGINAL ARTISTS. ALL THE ORIGINAL ARTISTS. ♪ CAN'T YOU SEE ♪
AND TRUMP IS FEELING THE PRESSURE. HE'S TWEETING THINGS LIKE:
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS SWEATY HOT CRAZY. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS MOMENT FROM
HIS SPEECH ON SATURDAY AT CPAC. >> THEY'RE GONNA GRAB TOGETHER. THEY'RE GONNA SAY, "YOU KNOW,
THIS GUY'S REALLY LAYING FOR US." >> Stephen (AS TRUMP):
"THESE PEOPLE IN CONGRESS. THEY'RE, LIKE, THEY'RE COMING
FOR ME LIKE RATTLESNAKES ON A CHICKEN. YIKE! YEEE! "
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
HE ALSO TWEETED, "THE GREATEST OVERREACH IN THE HISTORY OF
OUR COUNTRY. THE DEMS ARE OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE
AND WILL NOT GET ANYTHING DONE." NOTICE HOW HE ALWAYS ACCUSES HIS
ACCUSERS BEFORE THEY CAN ACCUSE HIM? (AS TRUMP) :
"I DIDN'T OBSTRUCT JUSTICE! THEY DID, OKAY. THEY'RE THE ONES WHO COLLUDED
WITH RUSSIA! THEY'RE THE ONES WHO EAT
CHEESEBURGERS IN BED! AND THEY'RE SO DELICIOUS. AND I KNOW THE HAMBURGLAR'S
LAYING IN WAIT FOR ME. AND I DID IT. I DID IT! GAAAA! YEEE! "
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU, CHARLIE. SO TRUMP DID WHAT HE ALWAYS DOES
WHEN HE FEELS DOWN. HE FOUND COMFORT FROM HIS
FRIENDS IN THE TV, TWEETING THIS QUOTE FROM SEAN HANNITY. SEE IF YOU NOTICE THE SMALL
TYPO: "WE THE PEOPLE WILL NOW BE
SUBJECTED TO THE BIGGEST DISPLAY OF MODERN DAY McCATHYISM." ( LAUGHTER )
YES. IT'S TRUE, VERY IMPORTANT. MODERN DAY "McCATHYISM,"
IMMORTALIZED IN THE FAMOUS COMIC, WHERE SHE SAYS, "ACK! SOCIALISTS REDISTRIBUTED MY
CHOCOLATE!" ( LAUGHTER )
TODAY, TRUMP TOOK SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INVESTIGATION, AND HE
FELL BACK ON HIS FAVORITE SMEARS. >> THE WITCH HUNT CONTINUES. THE FACT IS THAT, I GUESS, WE
GOT 81 LETTERS. THERE WAS NO COLLUSION. IT WAS A HOAX. >> Stephen: IT'S JUST SAD WHEN
HIS HEART'S NOT IN IT. HE'S LIKE AN AGING SINGER DOING
HIS 16th SHOW OF THE WEEK IN BRANSON TO A HALF-EMPTY ROOM. (AS TRUMP DISPIRITED):
( LAUGHTER ) "NO COLLUSION. LOCK HER UP. BUILD THE WALL. FAKE NEWS. MA-GA." BUT, BUT–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP TRIED HIS BEST TO STAY
POSITIVE. >> PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN
THEY LOOK AT IT, THEY JUST SAY, "PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT." BUT THAT'S OKAY. NO ADMINISTRATION HAS
ACCOMPLISHED– PROBABLY YOU COULD SAY THIS WITH ABSOLUTE
CERTAINTY– IN THE FIRST TWO YEARS ANYWHERE NEAR WHAT WE'VE
ACCOMPLISHED. >> Stephen: REALLY? ( LAUGHTER )
THERE'S A REPORT OUT ON DAY 149 OF GEORGE WASHINGTON'S
PRESIDENCY. THEY PASSED THE BILL OF RIGHTS. AND IT'S TAKEN YOU ALMOST TWO
YEARS TO VIOLATE ALL OF THEM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, YESTERDAY, HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO COOPERATE WITH ALL
OF THE DOCUMENT REQUESTS FROM CONGRESS. BUT TODAY, HE CHANGED HIS MIND
AND IN DOING SO, HE CITED HIS FAVORITE FORMER PRESIDENT. >> PRESIDENT OBAMA, FROM WHAT
THEY TELL ME, WAS UNDER A SIMILAR KIND OF THING, DIDN'T
GIVE ONE LETTER. THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. THEY DIDN'T GIVE ONE LETTER OF
THE REQUEST. MANY REQUESTS WERE MADE. >> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT. HE'S RIGHT. I REMEMBER ONE CRAZY RACIST WHO
KEPT DEMANDING HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

Stephen Colbert's LIVE Monologue Following Democratic Debate #2



WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE,
OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. WE ARE COMING TO YOU LIVE. COMING TO YOU LIVE AFTER
TONIGHT'S DEMOCRATIC DEBATE. TONIGHT WE SAW CLASH OF THE BIG
B's, BIDEN, BERNIE, BUTTIGIEG, BICKEN-BLOOPER. ( LAUGHTER )
COMING INTO THE EVENING, JOE BIDEN HAD A BIG LEAD IN ALL THE
POLLS, AND TO CELEBRATE, HIS SUPPORTERS HANDED OUT FREE ICE
CREAM THEY CALLED JOE CONES. A JOE CONE IS ALSO WHAT BIDEN
WEARS TO MAKE SURE HE RESPECTS PERSONAL SPACE THESE DAYS. JUST FOR SAFETY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A RESPONSE. >> Jon: OH, MY. >> Stephen: BUT TONIGHT THE
JOE CONE WAS MET BY THE KAMALA HARRIS FLAME THROWER. ( CHEERING )
OH, YOU WATCHED IT. YES. HE HAD THE JOE CONE, BUT SHE
MADE JOE SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM HOLY COW SHE MIGHT BE
PRESIDENT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AS A FORMER PROSECUTOR, HARRIS
FOUND EVERYONE ELSE ON THAT STAGE GUILTY OF BEINGLESS
INTERESTING AND SENTENCED THEM OF TWO HOURS OF BEING HER PASTY
BACKGROUND SINGERS. IT ALL STARTED OUT INNOCENTLY
ENOUGH FOR THE VICE PRESIDENT WHEN HE GOT A QUESTION ABOUT
REASSURING WALL STREET THAT NOTHING WOULD CHANGE, AND HE
CRANKED THE FOLKSY KNOB UP TO 11. >> WHAT I MEANT BY THAT IS,
LOOK, DONALD TRUMP THINKS WALL STREET BUILT AMERICA. ORDINARY MIDDLE CLASS AMERICANS
BUILT AMERICA. MY DAD USED TO HAVE AN
EXPRESSION — >> Stephen: HE USED TO SAY,
SON, THE VIKINGS ARE COMING FOR ALL OF US AND WILL END THIS
VILLAGE. IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. TAKE YOUR MOTHER AND SISTER AND
GET TO THE CAVES! ( LAUGHTER )
KAMALA HARRIS STARTED BY BITING THE HEAD OFF THIS QUESTION —
>> DO YOU THINK DEMOCRATS HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO EXPLAIN HOW
THEY WILL PAY FOR EVERY PROPOSAL THEY WILL MAKE ALONG THOSE
LINES? >> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, I
HEAR THAT QUESTION, BUT WHERE WAS THAT QUESTION WHEN THE
REPUBLICANS AND DONALD TRUMP PASSED A TAX BILL THAT BENEFITS
THE TOP 1% AND THE BIGGEST CORPORATIONS IN THIS COUNTRY? >> Stephen: AND WHERE ARE THE
QUESTIONS BE WHEN I BREAK OUT THE LOUISVILLE SLUGGER AND THE
OVAL OF PAIN BECAUSE AFTER I SNAP HIM LIKE A BREAD STICK
THERE WILL BE NO MORE QUESTIONS! NEXT QUESTION. ( APPLAUSE )
I BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING. TONIGHT KAMALA HARRIS WAS — ON
FIRE! ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK AT BERNIE'S FACE WHILE GIVING THAT ANSWER. HE'S LITERALLY LICKING HIS LIPS. "SHE JUST TOOK THE TOP TEN% OF
THE BEST 40% OF WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. IT'S NOT FAIR!"
( LAUGHTER ) BERNIE ALSO WENT OF THE
PRESIDENT. >> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
UNDERSTAND THAT TRUMP IS A PHONY, THAT TRUMP IS A
PATHOLOGICAL LIAR AND A RACIST —
>> Stephen: OH, THEY UNDERSTAND IT, SIR. THAT'S THExD REASONÑi WHY SOME O
THEM VOTED FOR HIM. ( LAUGHTER )
AND HE BERNIEED ON. >> THAT'S HOW WE BEAT TRUMP, WE
EXPOSE HIM FOR THE FRAUD THAT HE IS. >> Stephen: NOT SURE IF WE
NEED TO DO THAT, SENATOR. TRUMP ALREADY HAS A LONG HISTORY
OF EXPOSING HIMSELF. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) SENATOR MICHAEL BENNETT SEEMED
SURPRISED WHEN A QUESTION WAS DIRECTED HIS WAY. >> SENATOR BENNETT —
( APPLAUSE ) — YOU HAVE SAID, IT IS POSSIBLE
TO WRITE POLICY PROPOSALS THAT HAVE NO BASIS IN REALITY, YOU
MIGHT AS WELL CALL THEM CANDY. WERE YOU REFERRING TO ANY
CANDIDATE OR PROPOSAL WHEN YOU SAID THAT? >> WAS THAT DIRECTED AT ME? >> Stephen: AM I SUPPOSED TO
TALK? AM I ON CAMERA? BECAUSE I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR
THE SALAD BAR. I'M SORRY. THIS SEEMS VERY NICE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN HE ESPAÑOLED AGAIN. ( SPEAKING SPANISH )
>> Stephen: WOW! I KNEW BUTTIGIEG SPOKE NORWEGIAN
BUT HAD NO IDEA HE SPOKE BETO O'ROURKE! ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S FANTASTIC. MUCHAS GRACIAS. >> Jon: MUCHAS GRACIAS. >> Stephen: ANDREW YANG IS
RUNNING ON A PROPOSAL FOR UNIVERSAL INCOME BUT I'M NOT
SURE IF HE KNOWS THAT. >> MR. YANG, YOUR SIGNATURE
POLICY IS TO GIVE EVERY ADULT IN THE UNITED STATES $1,000 A
MONTH, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. >> THAT'S RIGHT. I THINK THAT'S LIKE
$3.2 TRILLION A YEAR. HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT? >> SORRY? ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: UH, UM… UH… WITH SCRATCHERS? WITH SCRATCHERS? ( LAUGHTER )
I'M SORRY — I WAS JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER WHERE I LEFT MY TIE. I HAD ONE WHEN I WALKED IN HERE. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN CONGRESSMAN ER ERIC SWALWEL SHOWED HOW TOUGH HE WAS BY
THROWING A PUNCH AT AN OLD MAN. >> I WAS SIX YEARS OLD WHEN A
CANDIDATE CAME TO THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION AND SAID IT'S TIME TO
PASS THE TORCH TO A NEW GENERATION OF AMERICANS. THAT CANDIDATE WAS THEN SENATOR
JOE BIDEN. >> Stephen: OH, SNAP! +&CI THINK
THAT TORCH BECAUSE THAT WAS A SICK BIRD! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN HAD A COMEBACK. >> VICE PRESIDENT, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SING A TORCH SONG? >> I WOULD. ( LAUGHTER )
I'M STILL HOLDING ON TO THAT TORCH. >> Stephen: YES, I'M STILL
HOLDING ON TO THAT TORCH WHICH IS WHY MY SLOGAN IS BIDEN 2020,
GIVE ME AN INVITATION, I WILL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! DO NOT MESS WITH ME! YOU WHIPPER SNAPPER! COME ON! I'LL GIVE YOU THE JACK JOHNSONS! YOU LITTLE SHAVER! ( LAUGHTER )
AT ONE POINT, EVERY CANDIDATE WAS TALKING OVER EVERY OTHER
CANDIDATE ABOUT SOMETHING I CAN'T REMEMBER OTHER THAN HOW
KAMALA HARRIS PUT AN END TO IT ( TALKING AT THE SAME TIME )
>> GUYS, AMERICA DOES NOT WANT TO WITNESS A FOOD FIGHT. THEY WANT TO KNOW HOW WE'RE
GOING TO PUT FOOD ON THEIR TABLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OH! OH! YEAH, YEAH. SHE HAD THAT LINE READY. YEAH, SHE HAD THAT IN SOME
TUPPERWARE. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) FINALLY, SELF-HELP GURU MARIANNE
WILLIAMSON HAD HER OWN PRESCRIPTION FOR BEATING TRUMP. >> I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING, IT'S
REALLY NICE WE'VE GOT ALL THESE PLANS BUT IF YOU THINK WE'RE
GOING TO BEAT DONALD TRUMP BY JUST HAVING ALL THESE PLANS, YOU
HAVE ANOTHER THING COMING, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WIN BY SAYING
HE HAD A PLAN, HE WON SIMPLY BAY SAYING MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. WE HAVE TO GET DEEPER THAN THESE
SUPERFICIAL FIXES. >> WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER THAN THE
SUPERFICIAL CAREFULLY THOUGHT OUT POLITICAL POLICIES. ANYONE TRIED FIXING AMERICA WITH
CRYSTALS AND BEE POLLEN, YOGA? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WATCH OUT! WATCH YOURSELF THERE. >> Stephen: JOHN HICKENLOOPER
WAS ASKED A CLASSIC DEBATE QUESTION. >> JOHN HICKENLOOPER, DAY ONE,
IF YOU ARE — ( APPLAUSE )
— DAY ONE AT THE WHITE HOUSE, HOW DO YOU RESPOND WITH —
>> Stephen: WH-WH-WHAT THE WOULD I DO ON DAY ONE OF THE
WHITE HOUSE? WELL, I WOULD CONGRATULATE
WHOEVER WON THE ELECTION BECAUSE I SHOULD NOT BE UP HERE. ( PIANO RIFF )
JUST, UH — ( APPLAUSE )
ONCE AGAIN, SELF-HELP GURU MARIANNE WILLIAMSON HAD A MORE
HOLISTIC APPROACH TO IMMIGRATION. >> WHAT PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS DONE
IS NOT ONLY ATTACK THESE CHILDREN, NOT ONLY DEMONIZE
THESE IMMIGRANTS, HE IS ATTACKING A BASIC PRINCIPLE OF
AMERICA'S MORAL CORE. WE OPEN OUR HEARTS TO THE
STRANGER. >> Stephen: AT LEAST I HOPE SO
BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHO THE HELL I AM. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) MAYOR PETE FOCUSED ON HIS FAITH. >> WE'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT ONE
OTHER THING BECAUSE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY LIKES TO CLOAK
ITSELF IN THE LANGUAGE OF RELIGION. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW,
MAYOR, IT'S LESS OF A CLOAK NOWADAYS AND MORE OF A SHEET. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Jon: MMM… >> Stephen: HALFWAY —
( LAUGHTER ) HALFWAY THROUGH, THERE WAS A
PERSONNEL SWITCH WITH RACHEL MADDOW PLAYING THE PART OF
LESTER HOLT AND CHUCK TODD PLAYING THE PART OF A GUY WHO
REALLY LIKES THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE. WHEN DISCUSSION TURNS TO RACISM,
A LOT OF THE WHITE FOLKS ON STAGE HAD OPINIONS, BUT KAMALA
HARRIS HAD EXPERIENCE. >> WE'RE GOING TO GET TO YOU. HANG ON. >> — ON STAGE, I WOULD LIKE TO
SPEAK ON THE ISSUE OF RAINS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> SENATOR HARRIS — WHAT I WILL SAY IS —
— WE'LL GIVE YOU 30 SECONDS SINCE WE'RE GOING TO COME BACK
TO YOU ON THIS AGAIN IN A MOMENT. GO FOR 30 SECONDS. >> Stephen: SO FOR 30 SECONDS
TO SUM UP INSTITUTIONALIZED RACISM THAT'S BEEN PLAGUING OUR
COUNTRY SINCE ITS INCEPTION, GO! >> I DIRECT THIS TO
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN. I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU ARE A
RACIST, AND I AGREE WITH YOU WHEN YOU COMMIT YOURSELF TO THE
IMPORTANCE OF FINDING COMMON GROUND, BUT I ALSO BELIEVE —
AND IT IS PERSONAL, AND I WAS ACTUALLY — IT WAS HURTFUL TO
HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT THE REPUTATIONS OF TWO UNITED STATES
SENATORS WHO BUILT THEIR REPUTATIONS AND CAREER ON THE
SEGREGATION OF RACE IN THIS COUNTRY, AND IT WAS NOT ONLY
THAT BUT YOU ALSO WORKED WITH THEM TO OPPOSE BUSING. THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL IN
CALIFORNIA WHO WAS PART OF THE SECOND CLASS TO INTEGRATE HER
PUBLIC SCHOOLS, AND SHE WAS BUSSED TO SCHOOL EVERY DAY, AND
THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS ME. >> Stephen: I BELIEVE HARRIS
ON BUSING BECAUSE SHE CLEARLY JUST TOOK BIDEN TO SCHOOL. ( APPLAUSE )
HARRIS, A VERY EMOTIONAL MOMENT. >> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: ANDUJARRIES DID
NOT LET UP. >> BUT, VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, DO
YOU AGREE TODAY — DO YOU AGREE TODAY THAT YOU WERE WRONG TO
OPPOSE BUSING IN AMERICA THEN? >> NO. DO YOU AGREE? I DID NOT OPPOSE BUSING IN
AMERICA. WHAT I OPPOSED WAS BUSING
ORDERED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION. THAT'S WHAT I OPPOSED. >> WELL, THERE'S A FAILURE OF
STATES TO INTEGRATE PUBLIC SCHOOLS IN AMERICA. I WAS PART OF THE SECOND CLASS
TO INTEGRATE BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA PUBLIC SCHOOLS ALMOST
TWO DECADES AFTER BROWN V BOARD OF EDUCATION. >> BECAUSE YOUR CITY COUNCIL
MADE THE DECISION. IT WAS A LOCAL DECISION. >> AND THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
HAD TO STEP IN.S >> Stephen: I HOPE THEY TOOK
DENTAL PHOTOGRAPHS OF BIDEN BEFORE THE DEBATE BECAUSE THEY
WILL NEED A REFERENCE TO PUT HIS TEETH BACK IN. ( APPLAUSE )
THEN HARRIS TURNED HER FIRE FROM BIDEN TO TRUMP. >> THE FACT THAT WE HAVE A
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WHO HAS EMBRACED SCIENCE FICTION
OVER SCIENCE FACT WILL BE TO OUR COLLECTIVE PERIL. >> Stephen: WELL, OF COURSE,
TRUMP EMBRACES SCIENCE FICTION — I'M PRETTY SURE HIS
HAIR WAS SHAVED OFF OF WOOKIEE'S ASS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANDUJARRIES SPOKE OF HER PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WITH
WILDFIRES IN CALIFORNIA. >> I SPOKE WITH FIREFIGHTERS WHO
WERE IN THE MIDST OF FIGHT AGO FIRE WHILE THEIR OWN HOMES WERE
BURNING. >> Stephen: AND THEY SAID TO
ME, NOW IS NOT A GREAT TIME, SENATOR, COULD WE TALK A LITTLE
LATER? ( APPLAUSE )
THEN, CHUCK TODD TRIED DESPERATELY TO TAKE CONTROL OF
THE DEBATE. >> BEFORE WE GO, I'M GOING TO GO
DOWN THE LINE HERE AND I'M ASKING YOU PLEASE FOR ONE OR TWO
WORDS ONLY, ALL RIGHT? PLEASE. >> Stephen: UH — BITE ME,
CHUCK? OH, SORRY. THAT'S THREE. APOLOGIZE. THEN THEY HAD ANOTHER TECHNICAL
DIFFICULTY. >> WE'RE GOING TO CONTINUE THE
QUESTIONING NOW WITH LESTER IN THE AUDIENCE. WE ARE? WE ARE, IN A SECOND, GOING TO
HAVE A QUESTION FROM LESTER IN THE AUDIENCE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES. CHUCK TODD TRIED ONCE AGAIN TO
DO ONE OF HIS NEVER SUCCESSFUL JUST ONE-WORD ANSWER QUESTIONS,
BUT HE GOT PRETTY UPSET WHEN PEOPLE TRIED TO ACTUALLY GIVE A
SUBSTANTIAL ANSWER. >> IT'S A PERFECT TIME FOR ME TO
DO ANOTHER ONE OF THESE DOWN THE LINE. WHAT IS THE FIRST RELATIONSHIP
YOU LIKE TO RESET AS PRESIDENT? I'M GOING TO GO DOWN THE LINE —
I'M TRYING TO GET ONE OR TWO WORDS HERE. >> Stephen: AND PLEASE DON'T
TALK TOO MUCH, OKAY? YOU'RE NOT CHUCK TODD, I AM! ZIP IT! ZIP IT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND WHEN IT CAME TO CLOSING STATEMENTS, MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
HAD THE PLAN TO HEAL THE COUNTRY. >> I'M GOING TO HARNESS LOVE FOR
POLITICAL PURPOSES. >> Stephen: AND ANYONE CURIOUS
WHAT SHE MEANS BY HARNESSING LOVE, DO NOT GOOGLE LOVE
HARNESS, IT'S SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT. PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND KAMALA HARRIS SUMMED IT ALL
UP WITH HER CLOSING STATEMENT — >> THANK YOU ALL. I JUST WANT TO LEAVE YOU WITH A
COUPLE OF THINGS. >> Stephen: JOE BIDEN'S BALLS.

Jimmy Recaps Night One of the First Democratic Debate



-I am so excited about this. Tonight,
we are coming to you live! [ Cheers and applause ] Live!
Whoa! And this is very special —
our entire audience is filled with Democrats
who are running for president. So, unbelievable.
[ Cheers and applause ] Fantastic.
Congratulations. Yeah, just like the debate,
everyone here gets 10 seconds to talk.
[ Laughter ] And since it's NBC,
if you go past your time, you're gonna hear this. [ Dramatic tone ] Okay.
That's the way it works. Now, the debate
was right here at NBC, and there was a lot
of excitement in the building. It felt
just like the Super Bowl, you know, if 20 teams
played the game over two nights and the winner wasn't decided
for another year. But besides that… But it's true — we're live, and we just watched the first
Democratic debate down in Miami. If you missed it,
here's what happened. There were 10 Democrats
on stage, and to qualify, all a candidate needed
was to poll at 1% or higher. [ Laughter ] That's it? One per–
I mean, even O.J. is at 2%. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -But once it got under way, something very interesting
happened. In his first question
of the night, Beto O'Rourke decided
to start speaking Spanish. Watch this. -And it's gonna take all of us
coming together to make sure that it does. [ Speaking Spanish ] [ Laughter ] -Cory Booker's face.
[ Laughter ] Oh, Cory B– yeah. Trump was watching like, "Crap.
Did I hit the SAP button? What is it?
What is it?" [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Then, when they called on
Bill de Blasio, he was like, "Uh, thank-a you-o.
I'm-a happy to be here-o." [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, Cory Booker
saw Beto speaking Spanish and decided to join in, too.
Watch him. -[ Speaking Spanish ] [ Laughter ] -He sounds
like Arnold Schwarzenegger learning Rosetta Stone. He's like…
[ Speaking Spanish loudly ] [ Laughter ] [ Speaking Spanish loudly ] [ Cheers and applause ] Meanwhile, over on Telemundo,
they were speaking English. -Really?
-It was unbelievable tonight. -Wow!
-Yeah, Beto and Booker both spoke Spanish,
but it's not that crazy because Miami has a large
Spanish-speaking community. I just hope that the next debate
is in Boston so I can hear them say, "We need free college
for anyone who is wicked smart." [ Laughter ] Later on, we got our first look
at one of the underdogs, former Maryland Congressman
John Delaney. Take a look at this guy.
Yeah. [ Laughter ] He looks like a talking thumb.
[ Laughter ] Well, as expected,
Elizabeth Warren and Cory Booker did well tonight,
but I actually thought Bill de Blasio
did a pretty good job, too. The New Yorkers are like, "Where the hell's
this friggin' guy been? Hey, whoa, hey!" Meanwhile, later on —
[ Feedback ] -Welcome back to "Today" —
-Sorry, sorry. That's a mic. Can someone turn
Savannah Guthrie's microphone off?
Thank you. Appreciate it. So, during the debate, there were
some technical difficulties. Take a look at this. -Should there be a role
for the federal government — -The mics are on.
-Everybody's mics are on. Think we had
a little mic issue in the back. -Control room,
we've got contrary audio. -We had the —
I think we heard — Yeah, we have
the audience audio. -What's happening? [ Laughter ] -Then Vladimir Putin was like,
"Is too easy." [ Laughter ] "Is too easy." [ Laughs ] Now, get this — Trump tweeted
and called the debate boring. But he still watched
even though he also said it was a "very unexciting
group of people." As opposed to the rock stars
he usually hangs out with, like Mike Pence
and Steve Mnuchin. [ Laughter ] But I think
I know why Trump's upset. He's probably
jealous of the Democrats. You know, if you think about it,
they got to be on TV, they got
to talk about themselves, and they got to be in Florida. It's like, "These are
my three favorite things! I can't believe it!"
[ Laughter ] There's a lot going on
in the race, and there's
so many Democrats running, it's hard to keep up,
so we thought we'd help you out. Enjoy. ♪♪ -♪ Bernie Sanders ♪
-♪ Tulsi Gabbard ♪ -♪ Julián Castro ♪
-♪ Beto O'Rourke ♪ -♪ Elizabeth Warren ♪
-♪ John Delaney ♪ -♪ Kirsten Gillibrand
from New York ♪ -♪ Cory Booker ♪
-♪ Andrew Yang ♪ -♪ I'm Bill de Blasio ♪
-♪ Tim Ryan ♪ -♪ Michael Bennet ♪
-♪ I'm Eric Swalwell ♪ -♪ Marianne Williamson ♪
-♪ Joe Biden ♪ [ Laughs ] -♪ I'm Jay Inslee ♪
-♪ Kamala Harris ♪ -♪ My name is Pete Buttigieg ♪
-♪ I'm Amy Klobuchar ♪ ♪ And I approve this message ♪
-Yay! -♪ I'm John Hickenlooper ♪ ♪ Skinny kid
with a funny last name ♪ -♪ Now,
who the hell's gonna beat me? ♪ ♪ Their policies
are just insane ♪ -♪ Gun control ♪
-♪ Equality ♪ -♪ Climate change ♪
-♪ Voting rights ♪ -♪ Campaign finance ♪
-♪ Free tuition ♪ -♪ Living wages ♪ -♪ Will not deny
social justice ♪ -♪ Join the fight ♪
♪ Identify ♪ -♪ A woman's right ♪
-♪ It's true ♪ -♪ No excuse ♪
-♪ We can't afford to lose ♪ -♪ Democratic candidates are
here to change the world today ♪ -♪ I'm gonna change my slogan ♪ ♪ We'll sell many,
many more hats that way ♪ -♪ Focus on the future ♪ -♪ There is nothing
we can't overcome ♪ -♪ Democratic candidates are
not afraid of Donald Trump ♪ -♪ When people come after me ♪ ♪ That's really, really,
really dumb ♪ -♪ Democratic candidates
will never defeat Donald Trump ♪ -♪ Extreme radical Democrats ♪ -Thank you very much.
-There you go. [ Cheers and applause ] I hope that helps. [ Applause ] And did you
see the stage tonight? All the candidates were standing
in front of a fake White House. Take a look at this.
Yeah. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile,
inside the real White House, Trump was
looking out the window like, "Why can't I see them?
Am I in the wrong — Am I in the Upside Down?" [ Laughter ] Earlier today, each candidate
got to spend a few minutes doing a walk-through
on the stage just to check out the mics
and all that stuff. Most of them
wore suits and dresses, but Ohio Congressman Tim Ryan
did things a little differently. Watch this.
-All right, 2020 contender Tim Ryan is on the debate stage
right now doing his walk-through.
That's gonna be happening through the course of the day. -He's like, "Hurry up, dude! I got to get to the quad
for Frisbee golf! I mean, what's going on?!"
[ Laughter ] Guys, it seems like
there's so much going on in the news right now. The Democratic debates
are this week, everybody's talking about
"Toy Story 4," Wimbledon is also starting up, and KFC just announced a new
Cheetos Chicken Sandwich. There's a lot to go over,
so let's all just jump in, cover it all at once. It's time for a News Smash. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ First up,
the Democratic debates. 10 Democrats
went head-to-head tonight, and 10 more
will do the same thing tomorrow. There are some
obvious front-runners, but other candidates
aren't very popular at all. You know what is popular?
"Toy Story 4." It's part of one of the most
successful film franchises ever. These movies
get people so emotional, by the time
they leave the theater, they're an absolute mess. Speaking of absolute messes,
KFC's new Cheetos sandwich. It's fried chicken
with Cheetos on top, drenched in
a Cheetos-flavored sauce. If you're the kind of person who
plans on ordering this thing, you know what
you probably won't be doing? Competing at Wimbledon. It's the biggest, classiest
tennis tournament of the year, where players are required
to wear all white. You know who shouldn't
wear all white? Anyone trying to eat
KFC's Cheetos sandwich. I mean, all the Cheeto dust, and this thing
can't be good for you. The number of calories
probably goes all the way to infinity and beyond.
[ Laughter ] The "Toy Story" movies
have introduced us to so many great characters,
it's hard to keep up. You know what else
is hard to keep up with? All these Democrats.
They just keep going back and forth and back forth. You know what else
goes back and forth? Tennis!
And qualifying for Wimbledon takes years
of blood, sweat, and tears. Speaking of tears, "Toy Story." These movies
can cause a lot of heartache, but if you really want
your heart to hurt, why not try
KFC's Cheetos sandwich? In conclusion, good luck,
good luck, good luck, good luck. [ Cheers and applause ]

Trump Visits Texas Border Amid Government Shutdown



-You guys, today was the 20th
day of the government shutdown. A lot of people are saying that President Trump has
backed himself into a corner. And Trump said,
"That's impossible. The Oval Office
doesn't have any corners." [ Laughter and applause ] "I'm not an idiot." [ Applause continues ] That's right — it's Day 20. Everyone's fighting.
People are exhausted. There's no end in sight. It's basically like playing
a game of "Monopoly" with your family. It's like, "Oh, just…"
[ Cheers and applause ] "Just bankrupt me, Dad!" [ Applause continues ] I saw that, today, federal
workers protested the shutdown outside the White House. It didn't help when Trump
opened a window and yelled, "Don't you have jobs to go to?!" [ Applause ] It's not good.
Due to the shutdown, the FDA has rolled back
their food inspections, or as romaine lettuce put it, "I'm back, baby!
Yeah, boy! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!" ♪ The Venga bus is comin' ♪ ♪ Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ♪ ♪ New York and San Francisco ♪ [ Rhythmic clapping ] -Romaine. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] Guys, today,
President Trump flew to Texas and visited the southern border. But before leaving for Texas, Trump spoke to reporters
about the shutdown and said Democrats
have been taken over by young crazy people.
-Oh. -Yeah, because
when I see this picture, I think, "What a bunch
of young crazy people." [ Laughter and applause ]
-Whoo! [ Applause ] -Ahh.
-But earlier today, Trump claimed that
he didn't throw a temper tantrum during his meeting
with Democrats. Check this out. -I didn't pound on tables. I didn't raise my voice.
That was a lie. I didn't smash the table. I should have,
but I didn't smash the table. [ Laughter ] -He sounds like the Hulk
apologizing. "Trump no yell. Trump no smash."
[ Laughter ] "Trump no smash. No yelling and smashing."
[ Laughter ] "I should have smashed,
but I didn't yell." [ Laughter ]
-Yeah! -Today, Trump also said he's prepared to declare
a national emergency to get money
for his border wall. It's pretty historic for Trump. This will be the first thing he
declares that's not bankruptcy. [ Laughter ]
Hey, oh! -Oh, hey, mm! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Mm! Well, I saw that "Fox & Friends" host
Brian Kilmeade said Trump using
a national emergency to get the wall
would set a terrible precedent. And Trump said, "Wait.
What did you just call me? I'm a great precedent." [ Laughter ]
"I'm a great precedent." He thought he said… -"President."
-That's correct. -But he didn't —
he said "precedent." -What's that? -He said "precedent,"
not "president." That was the confusion.
-That's correct. -'Cause you —
No, he thought that Brian, the guy from Fox said
that he was a bad president. -Right, but he didn't.
-What's that? -He said he set a bad precedent,
not president. Trump thought,
in your joke construction, thought that he said
"president." [ Laughter ]
-That's correct. -But in fact,
the word used was "precedent," which is very close,
but since Trump is known for malapropisms
and stuff like that… -Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Sure, sure. -The humor is in that
he heard the wrong word, but then still used that
wrong word to explain himself, whereas a normal person
would say, "Oh, I'm not a bad president," he said "bad precedent" again,
not realiz– [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]
In case you were wondering. -Oh, I get it now.
-You know what I mean? -[ Laughs ]
[ Applause continues ] -Oh, I just wanted —
-Do you get it now? -Well, because of
the construction of the joke, that's hilarious.
-Yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ] -Guys, did you hear about this? Mattel just came out
with a new Magic 8 Ball called the Trump Magic 8 Ball. It's like a Magic 8 Ball, but with Trump
answering your questions. And good news —
we actually have one here. It's time for
"Trump Magic 8 Ball." Here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ] -♪ Trump Magic 8 Ball ♪ ♪ Trump has an 8 Ball ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪ -This Magic 8 Ball is filled with the wisdom
of President Trump. You can ask it
any personal question you want, as long
as it's a yes-or-no question. Then you give it a shake, and the
President of the United States will answer your question. Who wants to give it a try? One person, perfect. All right,
I guess you will give it a try. Stand up, buddy. Hey, what's your name
and where are you from? -I'm Dan.
I'm from Orlando, Florida. -Orlando, hey!
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Have you — Have you gone on our ride yet?
-No. -Wait.
What are you talking about? We have a ride.
-I know. -It's just like being here.
But I guess you just wanted… -I'm sorry.
Yeah, I wanted the real thing. -You wanted the real thing.
-That's what I should've… -Yeah, absolutely, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah. -How close are you
to the theme park? -Like 20ish minutes.
-[ Chuckling ] What? [ Laughter ]
Have you been to the — We have a —
our own roller coaster. -Yeah.
-Yeah. -I've heard about it.
I just haven't gone. I'm sorry. I wanted to go to
the real thing. -It's a good roller coaster.
It's like a good — -I'll try it out.
Yeah, I'll try it out. [ Laughter ] Sorry.
-No, it's okay. Are you from Canada, as well? -No, well — No, why?
-Cause I thought you just said, [Canadian accent]
"I'll try it out. I'll try it out."
-Oh, did I say it like that? -Yeah, I think you did.
-I didn't mean to. -Well, you'll see it back on TV,
and you'll be like… [ Laughter ]
All right. Anyways, what personal question would you like to ask
the Trump Magic 8 Ball? -Let me think.
-Could be anything. -I want to know, can I eat 80 chicken nuggets
in one sitting? [ Light laughter ]
That's what I want to know. -That's the question
you would like to ask the Trump Magic 8 Ball?
-Yes, yes. -Any question you want to ask.
You want to ask if you can 80… -Can I eat 80 chicken nuggets
in one sitting? 80. 8-0. -You want to ask the President
that instead of… -Yes, that's what's
most important to me. -…instead of yourself. Okay, understood.
-Yeah. -Trump Magic 8 Ball, can he eat 80 chicken nuggets
in one sitting? Is that correct?
-Yes. -I think you probably could. -You tell me what you think. I don't think so.
I don't think. -He says he doesn't —
He says he doesn't think so. [ Applause ]
-It's a bummer. -Go to the theme park.
Go to the theme — Who else?
Raise your hand. [ Cheers and applause ]
Who else? Yes, sure.
Get up, sure. Hey. How you doing? How you doing?
-Hi. I'm Melissa. -Melissa, where are you from?
-Long Island, New York. -Long Island! I love it!
[ Cheers and applause ] Melissa, have you been on our
roller coaster on Long Island? No, I'm just kidding.
We don't have one. -Yeah, I was just gonna say — I have no idea.
-No. Yeah, thank you. What personal question
would you like to ask the Trump Magic 8 Ball? -Um… Jimmy, can I have $100? [ Light laughter ] -From the 8 Ball? [ Laughter ] I mean,
are you asking me for $100? -Yeah.
-All right. I think I know
what the answer is. [ Laughter ]
I don't have any cash on me. All right.
Let's give it a shake. -Okay, Magic 8 Ball,
can I have $100? -President Trump,
do you think I should give — am I going to give
this person $100? -You can't ask for that.
How ridiculous! [ Applause ]
-Fair enough. -Right. Thank you.
He's right. He's right. Who's — Who's — Who else? Yes, hey, buddy.
Come on, stand up. [ Cheers and applause ]
How you doing, pal? Nice to see you, buddy. What is your name,
and where are you from? -My name's Joe,
and I'm from Jersey. -Yes, New Jersey in the house. Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ] Joe from Jersey, we have
the Trump Magic 8 Ball here. You can ask it anything. People have asked it,
can they eat 80 chicken nuggets? Someone tried to have it
convince me to give them $100. You can ask anything.
It's a Magic 8 Ball. What would you like to ask
the Trump Magic 8 Ball? -Will I ever be able
to do the Floss dance? [ Laughter ] -Wow.
I mean, that's a tough dance. The Floss dance — I know.
I see the disappointment. [ Laughter ] It looks like you've tried
to do it in the past, and you've failed. Okay, is there a need to do
the Floss dance, or not really? -Not really.
-Not really. Of course. All right, well,
it's a great question. Let's give it a shake. Let's see what President Trump
has to say. Will he ever be able
to do the Floss dance? -We're gonna very soon find out. Maybe I'm not right,
but, usually, I'm right. [ Laughter ] -That's —
That's a cryptic answer. But maybe we will find out. Roots, do you have a beat?
Maybe. [ Mid-tempo music plays ]
I mean, you're on TV. [ Cheers and applause ]
You're on TV. -Why not? -Do you have a family
or kids watching? -They're gonna be
so embarrassed. -Do you have kids watching?
-I do. I have two. -Oh, you have two kids.
What's their names? -Lorelai and Matthias.
-Check out your dad doing the Floss dance
on national television. Go for it. Try it. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -[ Laughs ] Oh, my God. -What?
What just happened? Thank you for playing. That's all the time we have for Trump Magic 8 Ball,
everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ 8 Ball,
Trump Magic 8 — 8 Ball ♪ ♪ Trump Magic 8 Ball ♪ -Oh! That was fantastic. That was pretty good, actually.
-[ Laughs ] I liked it. Oh, guys, listen to this —
today, Lady Gaga apologized for making a song with R. Kelly
back in 2013. Gaga says she hopes her fans
can move on from this embarrassing moment and enjoy her new duet
with Kevin Spacey. [ Audience groans ]
Now, hey, guys, I get — -[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ]
-Whoo! [ Laughing ] -And finally,
it was reported that, during his meeting
with Democrats yesterday, Trump got so mad
that he stormed out of the room. It was the first time
Trump did something stormy without having to pay $130,000.
[ Cheers and applause ] We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots!

SUPER FUNNY SPEECH NI PRESIDENT RODRIGO DUTERTE AT JOKES SA MGA PINOY SA JAPAN



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The Best And Worst Of The NYT Democratic Questionnaire



OF COURSE, TRUMP'S GOT PLENTY OF
COMPETITION TO BE HIS COMPETITION, AND I'LL GIVE YOU
THE LATEST FROM THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY IN TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT
DONKEY STYLE"! ( APPLAUSE )
THIS WEEK, "THE NEW YORK TIMES" INTERVIEWED A HUGE GROUP OF
CANDIDATES, ASKING THEM ALL THE SAME 18 QUESTIONS. CHECK OUT THE GRAPHICS. THAT'S A LOT OF MOUTHS. IT'S ALSO THE OPENING CREDITS
FOR "THE BRADY BUNCH: OOPS ALL PARENTS." JOE BIDEN DIDN'T SIT FOR THIS,
BUT WE DID LEARN A LOT ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE. AND SEEING THEM ALL TOGETHER
RAISED SOME NEW QUESTIONS FOR ME, LIKE, "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS YOUR NAME? AND I'M GONNA SAY… DAN? OR SEAN? COME ON! THESE TWO ARE EXACTLY THE SAME
GUY! THE "TIMES" ASKED THE CANDIDATES
SOME LIGHTER QUESTIONS. >> WHAT'S YOUR COMFORT FOOD ON
THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL? >> WHEN YOU'RE A VEGAN, THAT
MEANS LOTS OF VEGGIES ON THE GO. >> COFFEE. MY FAVORITE COFFEE IS A MOCHA. >> MINTS. >> KIND BARS. >> I DON'T HAVE A COMFORT FOOD. I HAVE A COMFORT DRINK, WHICH IS
ICED TEA. >> Stephen: OH, THEY ARE DOOMED. MINTS?! ICED TEA? COME ON. YOU'RE IN AMERICA! JUST SAY BURGERS! OR PIZZA! OR NACHOS! OR FRENCH FRIES! OR JUST CHUGGING ALFREDO SAUCE
STRAIGHT FROM THE JAR! COMFORT FOOD! ( APPLAUSE )
POP OPEN A CAN OF HERSHEY'S. CHOCOLATE JIMMIES. JUST GO TO TOWN ON YOURSELF WITH
A SPOON. COMFORT FOOD IS WHAT YOU EAT
BECAUSE YOU RAN OUT OF XANAX. BUT ONE CANDIDATE HAD THE RIGHT
TAKE ON COMFORT FOODS. >> GLASS OF WHISKEY AT THE END
OF THE NIGHT?! THANK YOU, SENATOR! THANK YOU, SENATOR GILLIBRAND,
THANK YOU FOR FINALLY RECOGNIZING WHISKEY AS A FOOD. IT IS MADE OF CORN AND IT IS MY
ONLY SOURCE OF FIBER. THE CANDIDATES WERE ALSO ASKED
HOW THEY'D HANDLE THE CRISIS OF CLIMATE CHANGE, AND THE
BOLDEST PLAN CAME FROM CONGRESSMAN ERIC SWALWELL. >> FIRST AND FOREMOST, I WOULD
HOST, IN THE UNITED STATES, A CLIMATE SUMMIT. >> THERE'S THE FIGHTING SPIRIT! (AS SWALWELL)
"THIS COULD END CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT, SO I'VE RENTED SOME
CONFERENCE ROOMS AND ORDERED SOME ICED TEA AND MINTS." ( LAUGHTER )
THE "TIMES" ALSO ASKED THESE CANDIDATES, "WHO IS YOUR HERO?"
AND A LOT OF THEM PICKED THE SAME GUY. >> POLITICALLY, I WOULD GO
WITH LINCOLN. >> ABRAHAM LINCOLN. >> ABRAHAM LINCOLN. >> ABRAHAM LINCOLN. >> CERTAINLY ABRAHAM
LINCOLN. >> Stephen: KIND OF A COP-OUT. THAT'S LIKE SAYING "MY
FAVORITE BAND IS THE BEATLES, MY FAVORITE WEATHER IS SUNNY,
AND MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WITH MY LUNGS IS BREATHE." ( LAUGHTER )
BUT A FEW OF THE CANDIDATES CHOSE A HERO A LITTLE CLOSER TO
HOME. >> UH… MY WIFE
>> MY WIFE. >> MY WIFE RIGHT NOW. >> IN MANY WAYS, MY WIFE. >> WOW– I MEAN, RIGHT NOW
IT'S, LIKE, BAKER MAYFIELD, THE QUARTERBACK OF THE CLEVELAND
BROWNS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
DID HE SAY BAKER MAYFIELD, THE QUARTERBACK OF THE CLEVELAND
BROWNS? TIM RYAN, THE ONLY WAY IT COULD
HAVE BEEN WORSE IS IF HE HAD SAID– I DON'T KNOW, THE LAST
GUY'S WIFE. SHE SEEMS GOOD." TIM RYAN DID BRING UP HIS WIFE
WHEN ASKED WHERE HE WOULD GO ON HIS FIRST TRIP AS
PRESIDENT. >> EUROPE. I WOULD GO TO EUROPE. IN FACT, I ALREADY TEASED MY
WIFE THAT WITHIN THE FIRST FEW WEEKS OF GETTING SWORN IN, WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO EUROPE AND REALLY REBUILD OUR ALLIANCES
IN NATO. >> Stephen: WHY WOULD YOU TEASE
YOUR WIFE LIKE THAT, TIM RYAN? ( LAUGHTER )
WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO TAKE BAKER MAYFIELD. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH, WOW! >> Stephen: THE CANDIDATES
WERE ALSO ASKED ABOUT THEIR NIGHTTIME ROUTINE. >> HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP DO
YOU GET A NIGHT? >> NOT ENOUGH. >> NOT ENOUGH. >> JUST ENOUGH TIME TO BE ABLE
TO HAVE DREAMS AT NIGHTTIME AND VISION STATEMENTS DURING THE
DAYTIME. >> Stephen: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN
MEAN? "I'VE GOT DAYDREAMS AT
NIGHTTIME, NIGHT DREAMS AT DAYTIME, AND WHEN PIZZA'S ON A
BAGEL, YOU CAN HAVE PIZZA ANYTIME." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ TRUE STORY. >> Jon: YEAH, IT'S NICE. >> Stephen: STEVE BUT A BIG
GROUP OF THESE CANDIDATES IS STILL POLLING AHEAD OF DONALD
TRUMP. HE'S CURRENTLY LOSING TO
JOE BIDEN, BERNIE SANDERS, ELIZABETH WARREN, KAMALA HARRIS,
AND PETE BUTTIGIEG." OR AS TRUMP CALLS THEM:
(AS TRUMP) "SLEEPY, CRAZY, POCAHONT-Y,
PROSECUTE-Y, AND THE GUY WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH 'BUTT.'"
WITH AN ADVANTAGE THAT LARGE, THERE'S NO WAY THE DEMOCRATS CAN
SCREW THIS UP… IS SOMETHING ONLY PEOPLE BORN
AFTER 2016 WOULD SAY, BECAUSE LAST WEEKEND, WE GOT A WARNING
SIGN WHEN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY TRIED A LITTLE TOO HARD TO
APPEAL TO THE YOUTHS WITH THIS TWEET REFERENCING A THREE-YEAR
OLD BEYONCE SONG: "THIS IS A WHOLE MOOD. TEXT 'BOY BYE' TO GET THIS
EXCLUSIVE WALLPAPER." THAT, OF COURSE, WAS THE WORK OF
THE DEMOCRATS' HEAD MILLENNIAL OUTREACH, MORRIS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) COME ON! COME ON, DEMOCRATS. THE FUTURE OF OUR COUNTRY IS AT
STAKE! DON'T BLOW IT TRYING TO BE HIP! THIS IS LIKE IF PAUL REVERE
STOPPED MIDRIDE TO TWEET, "ISN'T MY HORSE LOW KEY THICC
THO?" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. NAOMI WATTS IS HERE! BUT WHEN WE COME BACK:
MEANWHILE!