Welcome to the DNC: Death. Taxes. Hillary


>>Stephen: OH, HI! I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE. I’M DOWN IN PHILADELPHIA FOR THE
DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION TO SEE IF THE BERNIE BROS PUT
DOWN THE PACHULIE PIPE TO GET DOWN BEHIND HILLARY CLINTON. HARD TO IMAGINE THEY WILL NOW,
THOUGH, WITH THE WIKILEAKS D.N.C. E-MAILS. STILL WHILE I’M IN PHILLY,
THOUGHT I’D GET MYSELF A CHEESE STEAK. I FOUND THIS ONE ON THE GROUND A
COUPLE OF HOURS AGO. THE MEAT’S GONEWHAT WITH ALL THE
AH, I’ ♪
♪ WELCOME EVERYONE TO THE D.N.C. ♪
♪ A DIMENSION OF SIGHT, SOUND AND HILLARY ♪
♪ YOU MAY HAVE FELT THE BERN, BUT NOW IT’S TIME TO
♪ SHE IS YOUR DESTINY ♪ ♪
♪ GO TO THE D.N.C. WHERE THEY LOVE DIVERSITY ♪
♪ FROM TRANSORGANIC FARMERS TO MUSLIMS WHO EAT BRIE ♪
♪ CELEBRITIES ♪ ♪ HUNTERS GROPING TREES ♪
♪ BIKES, SUBARUS OWNED BY LGBTs ♪
♪ ♪ DEATH, TAXES AND HILLARY ♪
♪ HILLARY ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ THERE’S BERNIE IN A SUIT ♪
♪ HE BOUGHT AT THE DOLLAR STORE ♪
♪ THE EMAIL STAFFERS SHRED THE NIGHT BEFORE ♪
♪ LIZ WARREN AS WELL ♪ ♪ O’MALLEY ♪
♪ PHIL’S ON A LEASH, JOE SMOKES HASHEESH, MICHELLE ♪
DEATH, TAXES AND HILLARY ♪ HILLARY ♪
LOVE ♪HE CITY OF BROTHERLY ♪ THE WELLS FARGO ARENA WILL
SOON BE FILLED WITH DREAMERS ♪ ♪ AND PEOPLE SMOKING ♪
♪ CHEESECAKE JAMBOREE ♪ ♪ WHERE YOUR MIND CAN BE SET
FREE ILL CHANGEE WORLD IF HER DON ALL
AGREE ♪ ♪ DEATH, TAXES AND HILLARY ♪
♪ HILLARY ♪ ♪ THE PARTY OF THE DONKEY IS
ABOUT TO GET FUNKY ♪ ♪ JOIN ME BROTHERS, SISTERS OR
CORPORATE SPONSORS ♪ ♪ HOW WILL YOU IDENTIFY ♪
♪ WELCOME TO YOUR JOURNEY ♪ ♪
♪ SO THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND WAVE THEM LIKE YOU CARE ♪
♪ YOU MUST REJOICE, THERE IS NO CHOICE ♪
♪ SHE IS YOUR DESTINY ♪ ♪ DEATH, TAXES AND HILLARY ♪
♪ DEATH, TAXES AND HILLARY ♪ ♪ DEATH TAXES AND HILLARY ♪
♪ DEATH TAXES AND HILLARY ♪ ♪ AND TIM KAINE! ♪
♪ .

Stephen Reacts To Trump Calling Him ‘A No-Talent Guy’


( LAUGHTER )
BUT THOSE ARE ALL JUST TRIFLING DETAILS. THE PRESIDENT ALSO SPOKE TO
“TIME” MAGAZINE ABOUT THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE TO HIM — THIS
SHOW. AHEM. “YOU SEE A NO-TALENT GUY LIKE
COLBERT, THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT WHAT HE SAYS. AND WHAT HE SAYS IS FILTHY. AND YOU HAVE KIDS WATCHING. IT ONLY BUILDS UP MY BASE. IT ONLY HELPS ME, PEOPLE LIKE
HIM. THE GUY WAS DYING. BY THE WAY THEY WERE GOING TO
TAKE WHAT HE SAYS IS FILTHY AND YOU HAVE KIDS WATCHING HIM OFF
TELEVISION, THEN HE STARTED ATTACKING ME AND HE STARTED
DOING BETTER. BUT HIS SHOW WAS DYING. I’VE DONE HIS SHOW, BUT WHEN I
DID HIS SHOW, WHICH BY THE WAY WAS VERY HIGHLY RATED. IT WAS HIGH ME. IT WAS THE THE HIGHEST RATING
HE’S EVER HAD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES HAS PERSONALLY COME AFTER ME AND MY SHOW. THERE’S ONLY ONE THING TO SAY —
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) MR. TRUMP, THERE’S A LOT YOU
DON’T UNDERSTAND, BUT I NEVER THOUGHT ONE OF THOSE THINGS
WOULD BE SHOW BUSINESS. ( LAUGHTER )
DON’T YOU KNOW I’VE BEEN TRYING FOR A YEAR TO GET YOU TO SAY MY
NAME? AND YOU WERE VERY RESTRAINED,
BUT NOW YOU DID IT. I WON (WHISPERING). OH, NO! PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME TREND ON
TWITTER AGAIN! DON’T THROW ME IN THAT
HASHTAG-BRIARPATCH! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT, YOU’RE NOT WRONG. I DO OCCASIONALLY USE ADULT
LANGUAGE. AND I DO IT IN PUBLIC, INSTEAD
OF IN THE PRIVACY OF AN “ACCESS HOLLYWOOD” BUS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT IS DIGNIFIED. AND IT’S TRUE– THE NIGHT YOU
APPEARED ON WAS VERY HIGHLY RATED. IN FACT, THE ONLY EPISODE THAT
GOT BETTER RATINGS WAS THE NIGHT I HAD JEB BUSH ON. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THAT’S RIGHT. YOU GOT BEAT BY LOWENERGY JEB
BUSH. BUT DON’T WORRY, YOU WON THE
RATINGS “COLLEGE.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND MAKING JOKES ABOUT YOU HAS BEEN GOOD FOR RATINGS. IT’S ALMOST AS IF THE MAJORITY
OF AMERICANS DIDN’T WANT YOU TO BE PRESIDENT. BUT YOU KNOW WHO’S GOT REALLY
BAD RATINGS THESE DAYS? YOU. TERRIBLE APPROVAL NUMBERS. I HEAR THEY’RE THINKING ABOUT
SWITCHING YOUR TIME SLOT WITH MIKE PENCE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT SINCE ALL OF MY SUCCESS IS
BASED ON TALKING ABOUT YOU, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TAKE ME DOWN,
THERE’S AN OBVIOUS WAY– RESIGN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I MEAN, THAT’S IT, RIGHT? SIR, IF YOU DID THAT, WHAT WOULD
I TALK ABOUT THEN? EXCEPT YOUR RESIGNATION. BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE FUN. ( CHEERING )
A PRESIDENT GOING AFTER SOMEONE OVER JOKES IS UNPRECEDENTED. THAT WOULD BE LIKE NIXON GOING
AFTER ALFRED E. NEWMAN. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IF I MAY, MR. PRESIDENT, I’D LIKE TO QUOTE THAT GREAT MAN:
“WHAT, ME WORRY?”

Ricky Gervais And Stephen Go Head-To-Head On Religion


>>Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WE’RE HERE WITH RICKY GERVAIS. WE WERE TALKING BEFORE, ABOUT
THIS TWEET BEFORE, THAT YOU LIKED THIS TWEET THAT WAS
TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU WERE GOING IT TO GO TO HELL, THAT IT SHOULD
GET A KNIGHTHOOD. DO YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST IN A
KNIGHTHOOD? BECAUSE A LOT OF– A LOT OF
BRITISH PERFORMERS END UP, LIKE, GETTING A KNIGHTHOOD FOR SERVICE
TO THE COMMUNITY OR DRAMA. DOES THAT INTEREST YOU?>>IT’S NOT LIKE IT WAS IN THE
OLD DAYS. IF IT PLANTE I COULD GO DOWN THE
STREET ON A HORSE WITH A SWORD KILLING PEOPLE, THEN, YES. BUT IT’S NOTHING. IT’S NOTHING– GIVE ME A BIG
SWORD AND A HORSE, AND THEN I’LL TAKE IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?>>Stephen: TALKING ABOUT HELL
BEFORE, ABOUT THIS TWEET ABOUT YOU GOING TO HELL. AND I KNOW THAT YOU’RE AN
ATHEIST, CORRECT?>>YEAH.( APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
DEBATING– THAT’S THE DEVIL WAITING FOR YOU IN HELL, BY THE
WAY. DID YOU WANT TO DEBATE THIS? SO RICKY GERVAIS, WHY IS THERE
SOMETHING INSTEAD OF NOTHING?>>THAT’S– THAT’S– THAT MAKES
NO SENSE AT ALL.>>Stephen: YOU HAVE TO ANSWER
MY QUESTION.>>THAT’S NOT THE TWO CHOICE S.>>Stephen: THOSE ARE THE
CHOICES I’M GIVING YOU. I’M THE HOST. ( LAUGHTER ).>>WELL, I DON’T —
>>Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO CONCEDE THE DEBATE. WHY IS THERE SOMETHING RATHER
THAN NOTHING?>>WHAT DO YOU MEAN OUT OF
NOTHING?>>Stephen: WHY IS THERE
SOMETHING INSTEAD OF WHY IS THERE NOTHING? WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE EXIST AT
ALL? WHY IS THERE SOMETHING?>>BUT SURELY THE QUESTION IS
NOT WHY BUT HOW? WHY IS IRRELEVANT.>>Stephen: ANOTHER FINE, HOW
IS THERE SOMETHING? IF YOU THINK OF GOD AS THE PRIME
MOVER,.>>I DON’T.>>Stephen: IS THERE A PRIME
MOVER. IS THERE A DEMI-URGE THAT
STARTED EVERYTHING.>>OUTSIDE OF SCIENCE AND NATURE
I DON’T BELIEVE SO. SO THE INTERESTING THING IS–
THAT’S THE THING I’M AN AGNOVELTYIC ATHEIST. AGNOSTIC MEANS NO ONE KNOWS IF
THERE’S A GOD. EVERYONE IS TECHNICALLY AN
AGNOSTIC BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW. AN AGNOSTIC ATHEIST IS SOMEONE
WHO DOESN’T KNOW THERE IS A GOD–
>>YOU’RE NOT CONVICTED OF YOUR ATHEISM.>>I AM. ATHEISM ISN’T A BELIEF SYSTEM. ATHEISM– SO THIS IS ATHEISM IN
A NUTSHELL. YOU SAY, “THERE’S A GOD.” I SAY, “YOU CAN PROVE THAT?”
YOU SAY, “NO.” I SAID, “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU
THEN.” SO YOU BELIEVE IN ONE GOD, I
ASSUME.>>Stephen: UHHH, IN THREE
PERSONS, BUT GO AHEAD. ( LAUGHTER ).>>OKAY, SO YOU BELIEVE– OKAY. BUT THERE ARE 3,000 TO CHOOSE
FROM, YOU KNOW, OF PEOPLE –>>Stephen: I’VE DONE SOME
READING, YEAH.>>SO BASICALLY, YOU BELIEVE
IN– YOU DENY ONE LESGOD THAN I DO. YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN 2,999 GOD. AND I DON’T BELIEVE IN JUST ONE
MORE.>>Stephen: RIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: DO YOU DO YOU DO
YOU EVER HAVE A FEELING OF GREAT GRATITUDE FOR EXISTENCE?>>OF COURSE,.>>Stephen: DO YOU EVER HAVE–
>>I KNOW THE CHANCES ARE BILLIONS TO ONE THEY AM ON THIS
PLANET AS ME AND NEVER WILL BE AGAIN.>>Stephen: I KNOW I CAN’T
CONVINCE YOU THAT THERE IS A GOD, NOR DO I REALLY WANT TO
CONVINCE YOU THAT THERE IS A GOD. I CAN ONLY EXPLAIN MY EXPERIENCE
WHICH IS I HAVE A STRONG DESIRE TO DIRECT THAT GRATITUDES
TOWARDS SOMETHING OR SOMEONE.>>OF COURSE,.>>Stephen: ASK THAT THING IS
GOD.>>WE WANT TO– WE WANT TO MAKE
SENSE OF NATURE AND SCIENCE. IT IS TOO UNFATHOMABLE–
EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE WAS ONCE CRUNCHED IN SOME SMALL
ATOM —
>>Stephen: BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THAT. YOU’RE JUST BELIEVINGLY STEPHEN
HAWKING AND THAT’S A MATTER OF FAITH IN HIS ABILITIES. YOU DON’T KNOW IT YOURSELF. YOU’RE ACCEPTING THAT BECAUSE
SOMEONE TOLD YOU.>>WELL, YEAH, BUT SCIENCE IS
CONSTANTLY PROVED OVER TIME. YOU SEE, IF WE TAKE SOMETHING
LIKE ANY FICTION, AND ANY HOLY BOOK AND ANY OTHER FICTION, AND
DESTROYED IT, OKAY. IN 1,000 YEARS’ TIME, THAT
WOULDN’T COME BACK JUST AS IT WAS. WHEREAS IF WE TOOK EVERY SCIENCE
BOOK AND EVERY FACT AND DESTROYED THEM ALL, IN 1,000
YEARS THEY’D ALL BE BACK BECAUSE ALL THE SAME TACKLES WOULD BE
THE SAME RESULT.>>Stephen: THAT’S GOOD. THAT’S REALLY GOOD.( APPLAUSE )
THAT’S REALLY GOOD.
>>SODON’T NEED– I DON’T NEED–
I DON’T NEED FAITH IN SCIENCE. I DON’T NEED FAITH TON PROBABLY
IF I JUMP OUT OF A WINDOW, EVERY OTHER TIME SOMEONE JUMPED OUT OF
A WINDOW THEY SMASHED TO THE GROUND BECAUSE OF THIS THING
CALLED GRAVITY.>>Stephen: AND THEN SATAN
WOULD BE RAPING YOU.>>THIS IS WHY I’M A GOOD BOY.>>Stephen: RICKY, PLEASE COME
BACK AND DEBATE SOMETHING EVEN MORE IMPORTANT. “DAVID BRENT: LIFE ON THE ROAD”
IS ON NETFLIX FEBRUARY 10. RICKY GERVAIS, EVERYONE!

Vatican Experts Designed Jude Law’s Garments In ‘The Young Pope’


>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. WE’RE BACK HERE WITH JUDE LAW,
WHO IS THE STAR OF HBO’S NEW SHOW “THE YOUNG POPE.” LET’S TALK ABOUT THE YOUNG POPE
HIMSELF. HOW OLD OF A POPE? IS HE YOUR AGE OF A POPE?>>I THINK WE SET HIM AT AROUND
47, JUST A TOUCH OLDER.>>Stephen: THAT’S YOUNG FOR A
POPE.>>IT IS.>>Stephen: WHAT’S THE POPE
AVERAGE?>>GOSH, I DON’T KNOW. I WOULD GUESS 70-PLUS.>>Stephen: YEAH.>>SO HE’S YOUNG.>>Stephen: POPE JOHN PAUL II
WAS PRETTY YOUNG. HE WAS IN HIS 50s. THAT WAS CRAZY HE WAS SO YOUNG
THERE.>>HE’S THE YOUNGEST POST AND
ALSO THE FIRST AMERICAN POPE. AND THE PIECE IS– IT STARTS OFF
WITH A CONCLAVE– A CONCLAVE OF CARDINALS WHO VOTED HIM IN,
TRYING TO WORK OUT WHO VOTED FOR HIM. NO ONE KNOWS HOW HE GOT THIS
POSITION. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: IS THERE ANY
CHANCE– IS THERE ANY CHANCE THE RUSSIANS WERE BEHIND IT? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).>>ALL THOSE RUSSIAN CARDINALS.>>Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.>>AND THEN– AND THEN ON THE
OTHER SIDE YOU HAVE LENNY BELARDO, THE POPE’S PEDESTRIAN
NAME, WHO IS –>>SO THE GUY’S NAME IS LENNY
BELARDO.>>LENNY BELARDO.>>Stephen: WHAT POPE NAME IS
IT HE TAKE?>>PUS XIII. SO HE’S STEPPING INTO SOME HOT
SHOES. FUNNY, TALKING ABOUT SHOES. OBVIOUSLY, THEY WEAR WHITE
VESTIMENTS. AND THE ONE THING THEY GET TO
CHOOSE BY ALL ACCOUNTS IS THE COLOR OF THEIR SHOES.>>Stephen: BENEDICT XVI HAD
BEAUTIFUL SHOES.>>AND THE RED SHOES ON THE
WHOLE HAVE BEEN PROVEN TO BE QUITE CONTROVERSIAL POPES. THEY GO IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM
AT THE SISTINE CHAPEL KNOWN AS THE ROOM OF TEARS. THEY’VE JUST BEEN ELECTED AND
THEY WEEP. THEY’RE GIVEN THE VESTAMENTS AND
EVERYONE LOOKS TO SEE WHAT COLOR THE SHOES ARE. FRANCIS WEARS WHITE SHOES.>>Stephen: WHAT ARE THE
OPTIONS, WHITE, BLACK, RED, STRAPPY. THIS IS KIND OF THE FUN PART OF
IT IS THE PRESENT POPE, FRANCIS, VERY SIMPLE.>>YES.>>Stephen: GOT RID OF THE
THRONE, WEARS VERY SIMPLE STUFF. GOT RID OF THE POPE MOBILE,
DRIVES A CHEVETTE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. HONEST TO GOD A USED–
>>THEY WERE THERE IN ROME, AND NO ONE KNEW WHERE HE WAS. HE LEFT THE VATICAN TO GET HIS
GLASSES CHANGED AND BY ALL BELIEVES WAS HORRIFIED WHEN HE
CAME OUT AND THERE WERE, LIKE, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.>>Stephen: HE WENT TO A LENS
CRAFTERS, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?>>YEAH.>>Stephen: THIS IS ONE OF
YOUR OUTFITS. THIS POPE IS VERY DIFFERENT. HE’S NOT AS HUMBLE. THIS IS ONE OF THE OUTFITS
YOU’RE WEARING AS THE POPE. THAT IS FABULOUS! THAT IS AMAZING.>>I UNDERSTAND NOW, I ALWAYS
THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, TALKING ABOUT AGE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT POPES
YOU KNOW WALKED LIKE THIS BECAUSE THEY’RE OLD. THEY’RE WALKING LIKE THAT
BECAUSE THAT STUFF WEIGHS SO MUCH. IT’S LIKE WEARING SIX CARPETS ON
TOP OF YOU AND THEN A BIG– A BIG METAL MITER.>>Stephen: THERE’S ANOTHER
ONE.>>WONDERFUL OUTFIT S.>>Stephen: THESE ARE ACTUAL
SORT OF POPE OUTFITS?>>OH, YES, OH, YES.>>Stephen: THESE ARE
ACCURATE?>>THE DETAIL, HISTORICALLY, BUT
ALSO IN HOW THEY WERE HAND WOVEN AND WE HAD VATICAN EXPERTS
WORKING ON IT WITH US. YEAH, YEAH.>>Stephen: BOY, HOW DO YOU
TAILOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?>>I DON’T THAN THEY NIP AND
TUCK IT PARTICULARLY. THEY JUST PUT IT ON AND SEW ON
JEWELS. THAT’S ABOUT IT.>>Stephen: I LIKE IT. IF I’M GOING TO HAVE A POPE, FOR
MY BUCK I THROW IN THE COLLECTION PLATE, I WANT SOME–
>>THE THEATER OF THE CLALG CHURCH–
>>Stephen: YOU’RE NOT A CATHOLIC.>>I’M NOT A CATHOLIC, NO.>>Stephen: BUT THE CHALG
CHURCH IS LIKE THEATER BECAUSE EVERY MASS IS LIKE, IT’S A PLAY
THAT REPRODUCES THE LAST SUPPER. THE PRIEST IS CHRIST AND WE’RE
THE DISCIPLES.>>ABSOLUTELY. WITH GREAT COSTUME S.>>Stephen: ABSOLUTELY
INCREDIBLE. WE ALSO, “THE YOUNG POPE” HAS
BECOME QUITE A HIT ON THE INTERNET OTWITTER, WITHOUT IT
EVER BEING RELEASED. PEOPLE LOVE THE IDEA “THE YOUNG
POPE” SO MUCH, THEY’VE MADE A MEME OF REPLACING LYRICS TO
SONGS WITH THE STORY “THE YOUNG POPE.” HERE’S ONE I’M TALKING ABOUT. HERE’S ONE:
HERE’S ONE: ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>I LOVE THIS. I LOVE THIS. TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I ONLY
LEARNED WHAT A MEME– IS IT MEME?>>Stephen: MEME, M-E-M-E.>>I OWNER LEARNED WHAT A MEME
WAS YESTERDAY BUT I’M THRILLED.>>Stephen: YOU NOT BEING A
CATHOLIC, DID YOU HAVE TO LEARN ABOUT THE CATHOLIC CHUMP OR THE
POEM HIMSELF OR– I’M THE POPE OF TELEVISION. I AM THE MOST CATHOLIC HOST ON
TELEVISION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DO YOU HAVE– DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PAPACY THAT
I COULD INFORM YOU, ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER YOU MIGHT
NEED TO KNOW ABOUT?>>I STARTED– I’LL BE HONEST. THAT WAS THE FIRST PORT OF CALL. I THOUGHT I HAVE TO LEARN– I’M
PLAYING THE POPE. I HAVE TO READ THE BIBLE. I HAVE TO LEARN– AND I STARTED
AND I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, IT DIDN’T– IT DIDN’T PARTICULARLY
HELP ME. SO I CALLED THE DIRECTOR AND I
WAS GOING, “OKAY, WHAT’S THE ANGLE? HOW AM I GOING TO FIND THIS
CHARACTER?” AND HE– HE– AS ANY GREAT
WRITER SHOULD, HE SAID, “JUST STICK TO THE SCRIPT. STICK TO THE CHARACTER.”>>Stephen: AND, YOU KNOW, LET
THE CAPE DO A LOT OF WORK.>>LET THE COSTUME DO ALL THE
WORK.>>Stephen: JEWELED, THANKS SO
MUCH FOR BEING HERE.>>IT’S MY PLEASURE. “THE YOUNG POPE” PREMIERES THIS
SUNDAY ON HBO. JUDE LAW ,EVERYBODY. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
GABRIELLE UNION.

The Clinton Foundation Email Scandal: Is It A Thing?


>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. BEFORE THE COMMERCIAL BREAK,
WHICH I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE INTERNET
CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT HILLARY CLINTON IS SUFFERING FROM BRAIN
DAMAGE. WHAT IS STILL “EMBUNKED” IS
HILLARY CLINTON AND HER EMAILS. YESTERDAY, IT CAME OUT THAT THE
F.B.I. HAS UNCOVERED 15,000 MORE PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN EMAILS
FROM HER PRIVATE SERVER. THAT IS RIDICULOUS. I HAVE THOUSANDS OF UNREAD
EMAILS IN MY OWN INBOX. NOW I HAVE TO READ 15,000 OF
HERS? BY THE WAY– AND I MEAN THIS
INSERIOUS– match.com, THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME ALL THOSE
PROFILES OF AVAILABLE AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMEN IN THEIR 40s FROM
THE CAPE GIRARDEAUX AREA OF MISSOURI, BUT I’M GOOD. THIS IS A TRUE STORY. MY KIDS THOUGHT MY WIFE AND I
WOULD BE A GOOD MATCH ON match.com AND SAID WHY DON’T WE
SIGN YOU UP FOR match.com SEPARATELY TO SEE IF THE
COMPUTERS WOULD MATCH YOU BECAUSE WE THINK THEY WOULD
MATCH YOU. I TOLD THEM, DO NOT DO THAT. I DO NOT WANT ANYBODY REPORTING
THAT STEPHEN COLBERT SIGNED UP FOR match.com. THEY SAID THEY DIDN’T, BUT I
HAVE STARTED RECEIVING E-MAILS FROM match.com THAT FOR SOME
REASON ARE SENDING ME MID-40s, VERY FRIENDLY LOOKING
FULL-FIGURED SISTERS.>>Jon: OH, YEAH! HEY!>>Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. AND ASKING ME TO HOLLA-BACK. ( APPLAUSE )
I’M FLATTERED. I UNDERSTAND THE APPEAL. BUT THANK YOU BUT NO THANK YOU. NOW, WHERE WAS I? WHERE WAS I? HILLARY CLINTON. HILLARY CLINTON. NOW HERE’S THE DEAL WITH HILLARY
AND THE E-MAILS. THERE ARE SO MANY OF THESE
HILLARY EMAILS THAT THE STATE DEPARTMENT SAYS THEY’LL BE
PUTTING THEM OUT IN BATCHES, WITH THE THE FINAL BATCH
SCHEDULED TO BE RELEASED. FOUR DAYS BEFORE ELECTION DAY. AND ELECTION DAY BY MY
CALCULATIONS IS STILL– LET’S SEE–
( LAUGHTER ) A REASON TO DRINK. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT THERE’S ACTUALLY ANOTHER
‘NOTHER NEW BATCH OF CLINTON EMAILS. AND THESE ARE ONES ABOUT HER
TIES TO DONORS AT THE CLINTON FOUNDATION, WHICH IS A CHARITY
SET UP TO DISTRIBUTE AID AROUND THE WORLD, AND JUST AS
IMPORTANTLY, TO KEEP BILL CLINTON BUSY ENOUGH THAT HE
DOESN’T SPEND ALL DAY TRYING TO GET SECRET SERVICE TO GO TO
HOOTERS WITH HIM. THEY GOT CLAM STRIPS. THEY GOT CLAM STRIPS. DELICIOUS. AND THESE EMAILS SHOW HOW THE
FOUNDATION’S DONORS SOMETIMES GOT ACCESS TO CLINTON WHILE SHE
WAS SECRETARY OF STATE. SOUNDS SHADY. BUT WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS
SURROUNDING ALL OF THESE EMAILS, IT’S HARD TO TELL WHAT’S REALLY
A THING AND WHAT’S NOTHING AT ALL. SO TO FIGURE IT OUT, LET’S BRING
OUT THE LATE SHOW’S THING-O-METER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY, OKAY. THIS IS THE THING-O-METER. IT SHOWS HOW STUFF RATES ON A
SCALE OF “THING,” TO “NOT A THING.” FOR EXAMPLE, OVER HERE AT
“THING,” YOU HAVE IGNEOUS ROCK. CLEARLY A “THING.” AND WE KNOW ROCKS ARE A THING
BECAUSE ROCKS ARE WHAT THE THING IS MADE OUT OF. HERE IN THE MIDDLE IS “MAYBE A
THING,” REPRESENTED BY HIDDLESWIFT, WHICH MAY BE A
THING, BUT I ALSO HEAR IS NOT A THING. HONESTLY, WHO KNOWS? STAY SAFE, YOU GUYS. NOW, AND OVER HERE IS “NOT A
THING,” REPRESENTED BY MIKE PENCE MANIA, WHERE TEENS TAKE
PICTURES OF THEMSELVES DRESSED AS MIKE PENCE. WHICH, I PROMISE YOU, IS NOT A
THING. YET, YET. SO LET’S RESET THE
THING-O-METER, AND LET’S FIND OUT IF THE CLINTON
FOUNDATION SCANDAL IS REALLY A THING. HERE’S WHAT CAME OUT IN THE
EMAILS. FIRST, THEY SHOW TIES TO A
CHARISMATIC, POWER-HUNGRY INTERNATIONAL LEADER: BONO. HE’S A CLINTON FOUNDATION DONOR,
AND HE GOT THEM TO SEND AN EMAIL TO SECRETARY CLINTON’S TOP AIDE
HUMA ABEDIN, REQUESTING A “LINKUP WITH THE INTERNATIONAL
SPACE STATION ON EVERY SHOW DURING THE TOUR THIS YEAR. ANY IDEAS?”
( LAUGHTER ) CLINTON’S STAFF WROTE BACK, “NO
CLUE.” ( APPLAUSE )
IN OTHER WORDS, HE STILL HASN’T FOUND WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NO, OKAY. SO I’M GOING TO SAY– I’M GOING
TO SAY NOT A THING. NOW LET’S RESET AGAIN. LET’S RESET AGAIN. SO WHAT ELSE WAS IN THESE
EMAILS? A REQUEST CAME TO THE FOUNDATION
FOR SECRETARY CLINTON TO MEET WITH ANOTHER MAJOR DONOR, THE
CROWN PRINCE OF BAHRAIN. AND THIS TIME, HE GOT A MEETING. ANYONE CAN SEE THAT LOOKS BAD–
DOESN’T TAKE A BAH-RAIN SURGEON OR FOR THAT MATTER A ROCKET
SCIENTIST. THOUGH IF YOU ARE A ROCKET
SCIENTIST, COULD YOU PLEASE GET IN TOUCH WITH BONO? ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THIS MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY BE A THING, BECAUSE THE EMAILS ALSO
REVEAL THAT THE MEETING WAS REQUESTED AND SET UP THROUGH
OFFICIAL CHANNELS. WOW. I AM IMPRESSED THAT THE PRINCE
OF BAHRAIN USED OFFICIAL STATE DEPARTMENT COMMUNICATION
CHANNELS. EVEN HILLARY CLINTON DIDN’T DO
THAT! SO I’M GOING TO SAY– I’M GOING
TO SAY BETWEEN MAYBE A THING AND A THING. WE RESET. THE TECHNOLOGY BEHIND THIS IS SO
ADVANCED. THE EMAILS ALSO SHOW A REQUEST
FROM A CLINTON FOUNDATION DONOR TO GET A VISA FOR A BRITISH
SOCCER PLAYER WITH A CRIMINAL. RECORD. HOWEVER, THE VISA WAS NEVER
GRANTED. SO I’M GOING TO SAY THIS, AS
WELL AS SOCCER, “NOT A THING.” ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, ALL THESE REQUESTS WERE BEING HANDLED BY HUMA ABEDIN. AND I’D JUST LIKE TO SAY,
BETWEEN BEING HILLARY CLINTON’S AIDE AND ANTHONY WEINER’S WIFE,
I DO NOT ENVY HER LIFESTYLE. “I’M SO SICK OF THESE EMAILS. LET’S SEE WHAT’S ON TWITTER! OH GOD!”
THAT– THAT IS DEFINITELY A THING. ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
( CHEERS )
AND– NOW, HERE’S SOMETHING
ELSE– I LOVE YOU. AND HERE’S SOMETHING ELSE THAT
SEEMS LIKE A THING: SINCE THESE EMAILS CAME OUT, BILL CLINTON
HAS ANNOUNCED THAT “THE FOUNDATION WILL STOP ACCEPTING
CORPORATE AND FOREIGN DONATIONS IF HILLARY CLINTON IS ELECTED.” SO MAYBE HILLARY’S TIES TO THE
CLINTON FOUNDATION ARE NOT A THING. BUT, CLEARLY, BILL CLINTON
THINKS THEY’RE A THING, WHICH… IT’S KIND OF “A THING.” SO THE CLINTON FOUNDATION
SCANDAL LANDS RIGHT UP THERE AT “MAYBE A THING,” WHICH IS THE
SAME RANKING AS BALD GUYS WITH PONYTAILS. BECAUSE IT MAY NOT BE A CRIME,
BUT IT SURE DOESN’T LOOK GOOD.

Everyone In China Is Getting A ‘Social Credit Score’


THERE IS SOME DISTURBING NEWS
FROM CHINA, AND IT’S NOT JUST THAT THEY STILL ENJOY THE
“TRANSFORMER” MOVIES. IF YOU THOUGHT THE WAY FACEBOOK
TRACKS YOU WAS SCARY, IT’S GOT NOTHING ON THE CHINESE
GOVERNMENT, WHICH JUST UNVEILED A SYSTEM OF MONITORING AND
GRADING EVERY CITIZEN’S BEHAVIOR. IN ONE CITY, IT ASSIGNED 1,000
POINTS TO EACH OF THE 740,000 RESIDENTS. GET A TRAFFIC TICKET; YOU LOSE
FIVE POINTS. EARN A CITY-LEVEL AWARD, SUCH AS
FOR COMMITTING A HEROIC ACT, AND YOUR SCORE GETS BOOSTED BY 30
POINTS. THAT’S JUST GOING TO MAKE PEOPLE
TO SET UP THEIR OWN HEROIC ACTS. ( LAUGHTER )
“OH, NO! THAT NURSING HOME IS ON FIRE! I’LL SAVE THEM. HERE, HOLD MY GASOLINE AND
MATCHES.” ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) AND — AND —
AND IT IS REALLY EASY TO GET DOCKED POINTS IN THIS SYSTEM.>>CHINA’S VERSION FACTORS IN
EVERYTHING FROM JAYWALKING, TO SMOKING ON TRAINS, TO BUYING TOO
MANY VIDEO GAMES.>>STEPHEN: JAYWALKING? SMOKING? TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES? THIS IS NOT GOOD NEWS FOR THE
COOLEST KID IN SEVENTH GRADE. ( LAUGHTER )
EVEN THOUGH CHINA HAS OVER A BILLION PEOPLE, THEY’VE GOT A
TERRIFYING WAY OF ENFORCING THIS.>>CHINA’S GROWING NETWORK OF
SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS MAKES ALL OF THIS POSSIBLE. THE GOVERNMENT IS EVEN TRACKING
JAYWALKERS. CAMERAS RECORD THEM GOING
THROUGH INTERSECTIONS, ZERO IN ON THEIR FACE AND PUBLICLY SHAME
THEM ON NEARBY VIDEO SCREENS. YES, PUTTING YOUR FACE ON A
SCREEN. THE SAME WAY AMUSEMENT PARKS
PUBLICLY SHAME YOU FOR CRYING ON THE LOG FLUME. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) HERE’S HOW THEY TRACK YOU.>>POLICE IN BEIJING HAVE BEEN
WEARING THESE GLASSES THAT CAN RECOGNIZE FACES LINKED TO THE
GOVERNMENT’S NATIONAL DATABASE TO HELP BOOST ARRESTS.>>STEPHEN: FIRST, THAT IS
HORRIFYING THAT SOMEONE HAS FINALLY FOUND A USE FOR GOOGLE
GLASS. ( LAUGHTER )
SECOND, FACIAL RECOGNITION IS LITERALLY WHAT THE TERMINATOR
DOES. “SARAH CONNER. I NOTICED YOU HAVE A LOT OF
UNPAID PARKING TICKETS.” ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: KEEP GOING. KEEP GOING. UNPAID PARKING TICKETS. BUT THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT
INSISTS IT HAS A GREAT REASON FOR DOING THIS.>>THE GOVERNMENT HERE SAYS IT
IS TRYING TO PURIFY SOCIETY.>>STEPHEN: HOLD UP, CHINA. THE PHRASE “PURIFY SOCIETY” IS A
HUGE RED FLAG. YOURS. BUT I INTERRUPTED– YOU WERE
USHERING IN A DYSTOPIA?>>THE GOVERNMENT HERE SAYS IT
IS TRYING TO PURIFY SOCIETY BY REWARDING THOSE WHO ARE
TRUSTWORTHY AND PUNISHING THOSE WHO ARE NOT.>>STEPHEN: CHINA, IF YOU WANT
TO PURIFY SOMETHING, MAYBE START WITH YOUR SKY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) WELL, I CANNOT LET THIS STAND. SO I WANT TO ADDRESS MY CHINESE
AUDIENCE FOR A SECOND. GOOD PEOPLE OF CHINA, “NI HAO. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS OPPRESSIVE SYSTEM OF DRACONIAN GOVERNMENT CONTROL
LEADS DOWN A DARK PATH TO– OH, WAIT. IS CHINA SCORING THIS? WELL, DARN IT, I DON’T CARE. THIS NEEDS TO BE SAID. NO MATTER WHAT — OKAY, HOLD ON. STOP. I DO LOVE SOME THINGS ABOUT
CHINA. YOU HAVE A RICH HISTORY AND
CULTURE. OH, GOOD. OKAY. OKAY. WHAT ELSE? UH– I ENJOYED “KUNG-FU PANDA”! NO, WAIT! LOOK! ONE OF MY WRITERS IS CHINESE! JAMES, GET UP HERE! CHINESE!>>ACTUALLY STEPHEN, I’M
TAIWANESE. (BUZZER)
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>STEPHEN: DAMMIT, JAMES! YOU KNOW, WE HAVE ONE CHINA
POLICY HERE AT “THE LATE SHOW”! NOW I’M GOING TO GET PURIFIED. BACK IN THE WRITER’S HOLE! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JIM
PARSONS.

Maisie Williams Accidentally Drops a Major Spoiler in Game of Thrones’ Final Season


-Everyone’s probably asking you the same questions
about “Game of Thrones” and it’s the final season.
but I was gonna ask you, do you have a top five maybe iconic moments
of your character, of Arya’s moments on the show? -I do.
I mean, there are so many. But in terms of things
that have really defined her, I think number one would be
Ned’s beheading in season 1. That was what
spiraled her whole arc. -Yes. -And then she was with the Hound
for a long time. I think there was a line in
maybe season three where she was like, “One day,
I’m gonna stick a knife through your eye
and out the back of your skull.” That was, like,
a pretty defining moment when you realized how —
[ Laughter ] how messed up in the head
that she’d become. -Yeah.
-And in season five, I think she threw away
her original costume. And I was in that costume for
like four years or something. So, she threw that
into the water, and it was
a really emotional moment. I guess last season,
she reunited with Sansa again, so that was a pretty big moment. And then they both united
and killed Littlefinger, and that’s pretty —
-That’s like kind of — yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
That’s not bad. This is the final —
the final season. Everyone’s been waiting. Can you tell me anything? Are you allowed
to talk about anything? -I’ve decided to just keep
a tight lip on everything. HBO have sent out a lot of memos
recently about just say nothing. -Yeah.
-So there’s really nothing that I can say.
They would absolutely kill me. -You couldn’t give —
You couldn’t give one little spoiler,
one little hint of a a little —
a crumb is all I ask. [ Laughter ] Milady. Just a crumb
is all I’m asking for. [ Laughter ] -Um…I don’t know. Like, during shooting,
the final days were really, like, emotional, saying goodbye
to all of the cast. Because when I found out that
Arya died in the second episode, I was —
[ Audience gasps, laughs ] -What? Are you kidding me? That’s a spoiler. [ Laughter ] -Is this live?
-No. -We can edit that out.
-Are you serious? -Yeah. -Dude, yeah, totally. -They’re still
gonna tweet about it. -No. Don’t worry about it.
Are you serious? It’s fine.
-I’m really sorry. -No, don’t worry about it.
No, it’s fine. -Okay.
-We can edit it, right? Yeah.
We can edit it out. Don’t worry about it.
-Okay. -Yeah.
Don’t worry about it. No one’s gonna —
It’s fine. It’s cool.
Let’s just start — Can we do applause,
and I’ll just go from the applause
and go into it again? [ Cheers and applause ] Let’s talk about, uh… Let’s talk about the final — Let’s talk about
the final season. -I’m… -Um… Is she okay? Is she okay? We’ll just go… -April Fools! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -You were so good!
Oh, my gosh! We got you guys so bad! Maisie Williams, everybody!