Alexandria Ocasio Cortez: Trump Isn’t Ready For A Girl From The Bronx


FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST
SHOCKED THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY WITH HER PRIMARY VICTORY ON
TUESDAY NIGHT. SHE’S NOW ON TRACK TO BECOME THE
YOUNGEST CONGRESSWOMAN IN HISTORY. PLEASE WELCOME, ALEXANDRIA
OCASIO-CORTEZ! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )>>Stephen: WELCOME TO THE
SHOW. I WANT TO CONFESS THAT I DID NOT
KNOW YOUR NAME ON MONDAY.>>MOST PEOPLE DIDN’T.>>Stephen: BUT WHAT IS IT
LIKE FOR YOU? BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR FIRST
ELECTION.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: YOU UNSEATED A
TEN-TERM CONGRESSMAN, CROWLEY, WHO MANY PEOPLE HAD THROWN OUT
HIS NAME AS THE POSSIBLE HEIR APPARENT FOR NANC NANCY PELOSI. THREE WEEKS BEFORE THE ELECTION
THE POLLS SHOWED YOU 36 POINTS BEHIND HIM AND YOU WON BY 15
POINTS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S A 51 –>>YEAH.>>Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, YOU’RE
A VERY CAPABLE, INTELLIGENT PERSON. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU WERE ABLE
TO SWING 51 POINTS IN THREE WEEKS AND UNSEAT THIS MAN WHO
HAD BEEN THERE 20 YEARS?>>I THINK THE FIRST THING TO
KIND OF MENTION IS I DON’T THINK POLLING IS ALWAYS RIGHT.>>Stephen: WE LEARNED THAT IN
2016.>>POLLING — HERE’S THE BIG
THING, POLLING — PEOPLE TRY TO IDENTIFY WHO’S THE MOST LIKELY
PERSON TO TURN OUT, AND WHAT WE DID IS WE CHANGED WHO TURNS OUT,
AND THAT CHANGES THE WHOLE ELECTION. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WELL, WHO DOESN’T TURN OUT, ESPECIALLY FOR
DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES, AND WHO TURNED OUT FO FOR YOU? WHO ARE YOUR CONSTITUENTS?>>WELL, I TELL YOU ONE THING,
WE WERE ABOUT EIGHT MINUTES TILL THE POLLS WERE CLOSING AND I WAS
IN MY HOME NEIGHBORHOOD IN THE BRONX, AND THESE TWO YOUNG,
TEENAGE LOOKING KIDS CAME UP TO ME AND SAID WE JUST VOTED FOR
YOU! AND I WAS, LIKE, HOW OLD ARE
YOU? THEY WERE, LIKE, 19. I WAS, LIKE, 19 YEARS OLD VOTING
IN AN OFF-YEAR MIDTERM PRIMARY ELECTION? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WHAT IS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD? I’LL SHOW YOU THIS CLIP HERE. WE HAVE A CLIP OF THE MOMENT YOU
FOUND OUT YOU WON. WE DON’T HAVE THE SOUND ON THIS. THERE YOU ARE. WHAT’S HAPPENING? WHAT’S GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND
AT THAT MOMENT?>>IT WAS SO CRAZY BECAUSE I HAD
NOT CHECKED ANY OF THE POLLS. IN THE CAR ON THE WAY TO THIS
PARTY TO THE WATCH PARTY, IT WAS LIKE AN OLD BILL YARDS HALL TO
THE BRONX. I HADN’T CHECKED ANY OF THE
POLLS IN MY PHONE AND WE GET OUT AND I GO, OH, MY GOD, OUTSIDE,
BECAUSE I SEE ALL OF THESE REPORTERS, LIKE, RUNNING TO THE
WATCH PARTY AND, LIKE, NOBODY WAS THERE. IT WAS OUR VOLUNTEERS AND
ORGANIZERS AND SUPPORTERS.>>Stephen: IF YOU SEE
SUPPORTERS RUNNING TOWARD YOU, IT COULD BE VERY GOOD OR VERY
BAD. ( LAUGHTER )
>>EXACTLY. I’M RACING THE REPORTERS INTO
THE BILL YARDS HALL. I RUN INSIDE, RUN IN TO THE TV
SET, I LOOK UP, I SEE THE MARGIN AND THE AMOUNT OF PRECINCTS
REPORTING AND THAT’S HOW I FOUND OUT WE WON THE ELECTION RIGHT
THERE IN THAT MOMENT.>>Stephen: NOW, YOU HAVE A
GOOD SHOT BECAUSE AS MAJORITY DEMOCRATIC DISTRICT, SO THERE’S
A GOOD SHOT YOU WILL GO TO CONGRESS, WHILE NOT GUARANTEED. YOU SAID BECAUSE YOU WERE IN
HOSPITALITY, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET PEOPLE TO BE ON BOARD
WITH YOUR AGENDA. WHAT IS YOUR AGENDA, BECAUSE YOU
DESCRIBE YOURSELF AS A DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST, AND THAT’S
NOT AN EASY TERM FOR A LOT OF AMERICANS. WHAT DOES SOCIALIST MEAN FOR
YOU?>>FOR ME, DEMOCRATIC SOCIALISM
IS ABOUT REALLY THE VALUE FOR ME IS THAT I BELIEVE THAT, IN A
MODERN, MORAL AND WEALTHY SOCIETY, NO PERSON IN AMERICA
SHOULD BE TOO POOR TO LIVE. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: SEEMS SIMPLE. EEMS PRETTY SIMPLE. SO WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME IS
HEALTH CARE AS A HUMAN RIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
IT MEANS EVERY CHILD, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE BORN SHOULD HAVE
ACCESS TO A COLLEGE OR TRADE SCHOOL EDUCATION IF THEY SO
CHOOSE. ( APPLAUSE )
I THINK NO PERSON SHOULD BE HOMELESS, IF WE CAN HAVE PUBLIC
STRUCTURES AND PUBLIC POLICIES TO ALLOW FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE
HOMES AND FOOD AND LEAD A DIGNIFIED LIFE IN THE UNITED
STATES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WELL, THOSE ALL SEEM LIKE VERY WORTHY GOALS, YOU
MAY GET A LITTLE RESISTANCE FROM DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE HE SAID IN
ONE OF HIS TWEETS, HE SAID, WOW, BIG TRUMP HATER CONGRESSMAN JOE
CROWLEY WHO MANY EXPECTED WAS GOING TO TAKE NANCY PELOSI’S
PLACE JUST LOST HIS PRIMARY ELECTION, IN OTHER WORDS HE’S
OUT, THAT’S A BIG ONE NOBODY SAW HAPPENING. PERHAPS HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
NICER AND MORE RESPECTFUL TO HIS PRESIDENT. SO I ASK YOU, ALEXANDRIA
OCASIO-CORTEZ –>>YEAH.>>Stephen: — ARE YOU GOING
TO BE NICER TO THE PRESIDENT?>>WELL, YOU KNOW, THE PRESIDENT
IS FROM QUEENS AND WITH ALL DUE RESPECT HALF OF MY CONSTITUENCY
IS FROM THE QUEENS. I DON’T THINK HE KNOWS HOW TO
DEAL WITH A GIRL FROM THE BRONX.>>Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH. ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ,
EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!

John Lithgow Shares His Trump-Based Poems


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST
GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND TONY AWARD- WINNING ACTOR WHO
HAS STARRED IN EVERYTHING FROM “FOOTLOOSE” TO “THE CROWN.” PLEASE WELCOME JOHN LITHGOW! ♪ BABY, BABY
♪ BABY WHOA BABY ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )>>HOW WONDERFUL!>>Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, MY FRIEND.>>GREAT TO BE BACK.>>Stephen: YOU LOOK FIT AS A
FIDDLE.>>AS DO YOU.>>Stephen: THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.>>AND THIS BAND!>>Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>YOU KNOW, I WAS– I WAS WATCHING THEM PLAY IN THE
DRESSING ROOM DURING YOUR PRESHOW. THEY ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN I
AM. YOU GOTTA GIVE THEM MORE TIME.>>Stephen: WE CAN LEAVE RIGHT
NOW AND LET THEM PLAY. FINE, FINE. I’M SO HAPPY YOU’RE HERE, AND
I’M ALSO SO HAPPY AND JUST THRILLED THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME
TONIGHT TO BE HERE, BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND THAT NOT ONLY ARE OW
BROADWAY RIGHT NOW IN THE SHOW “HILLARY AND CLINTON,” OKAY, AT
THE GOLDEN THEATRE. ( APPLAUSE )
BUT YOU LITERALLY ARE BETWEEN SHOWS.>>THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: YOU DID A MATINEE,
AND YOU’RE DOING A SHOW TONIGHT.>>THIS WAS MY SECOND STANDING
OVATION OUT OF THREE TODAY. ( APPLAUSE )
AND SO –>>Stephen: YOU GOT ONE MORE
COMING?>>ONE MORE TO COME.>>Stephen: NOW, AS A
THESPIAN, AS THE MAN OF THE STAGE, HOW DO YOU DRINK IN A
STANDING OVATION? BECAUSE IT’S SUCH AN OUTPOURING
OF APPRECIATION WHEN AN AUDIENCE– LIKE, DO YOU LEAN
AGAINST IT LIKE A STRONG WIND. HOW DO YOU– HOW DO YOU HANDLE
IT? IF YOU DON’T MIND, IF WE COULD–
IF WE COULD STIR UP A STANDING OVATION, WOULD YOU SHOW ME THE
PROPER WAY TO APPRECIATE A STANDING OVATION?>>SURE, GO AHEAD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>>I SAY CULTIVATE HUMILITY. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GOING
TO NEED IT.>>Stephen: WELL, YOU– YOU’VE
DONE SO MANY SHOWS ON BROADWAY, WHAT DRAWS YOU BACK? WHAT’S THE THING THAT YOU LOVE
MOST ABOUT BEING ON THE STAGE HERE IN NEW YORK, SPECIFICALLY?>>WELL, I MEAN, IT’S JUST THE
THING THAT DRAWS ALL ACTORS TO THE THEATER. IT’S INTERACTING WITH THE
AUDIENCE, AND BEING A MEMBER OF– OF AN ENSEMBLE AND A
COMPANY THAT JUST WORKS AFFECT DAY IN AND DAY OUT. BUT MAINLY IT’S THE INTERACTION. YOU DO A MOVIE, AND BY THE TIME
YOU SEE IT, YOUR WHOLE MEMORY OF THE EXPERIENCE IS A YEAR OLD.>>Stephen: AND IT’S DONE IN
CHUNKS. YOU DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE THE RUN,
THE FEEL OF DOING THE ENTIRE IT’S ENTIRE STORY AT ONCE.>>I GUESS IN ESSENCE, YOU’RE
LIVING THROUGH THE STORY AT THE SAME TIME YOUR AUDIENCE IS
EXPEERNLSING IT. KIND OF LIKE WHAT YOU DO EVERY
NIGHT. THAT INTENSE INTERACTION.>>Stephen: RIGHT. SOMEBODY BEFORE ME ASKED IF I
WATCH THE SHOW WHEN I GET HOME. AND I SAID, “NO, I WAS JUST
THERE.” YOU AND I WENT THROUGH IT AT THE
SAME TIME.>>THAT’S TRUE.>>Stephen: AS I SAID BEFORE
IT’S AT THE CA GOLDEN THEATRE WI THE WONDERFUL LAURIE METCALF. IT’S CALLED “HILLARY AND
CLINTON.” AND YOU PLAY–
>>I PLAY BILL.>>Stephen: OKAY. AND WHAT’S THE PLAY ABOUT?>>IT’S SET– IT’S A PIECE OF
HISTORY. IT’S A POLITICAL PLAY BUT MUCH
MORE A MARRIAGE PLAY. IT’S SET AT A VERY INTERESTING
HISTORICAL MOMENT, THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY OF 2008, WHEN
HILLARY WAS RUNNING AGAINST BARACK OBAMA.>>Stephen: OH, AND SHE HAD
JUST LOST IN IOWA.>>SHE HAD JUST LOST IN IOWA. AND I WON’T TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE BECAUSE PROBABLY MOST PEOPLE
HAVE FORGOTTEN, BUT THAT’S PART OF THE– IT’S– IT’S A
MARVELOUSLY UNEXPECTED PLAY BY ONE OF OUR GREAT YOUNG
PLAYWRIGHTS, LUCAS HNATH. AND LAURIE AND I MAKE ABSOLUTELY
NO EFFORT TO IMITATE BILL AND HILLARY. WE ARE SORT OF A METAPHOR FOR
THEM.>>Stephen: REALLY? BECAUSE YOU’RE– YOU’RE– YOU
ARE A GREAT MIMIC.>>WELL, YES– THANK YOU. I TAKE THAT AS– I DON’T WANT
THAT COMPLIMENT TO PASS ME BY.>>Stephen: YOU’RE NOT AN
IMPRESSIONIST, BUT CERTAINLY YOU SEEMED LIKE CHURCHILL TO ME WHEN
YOU PLAYED CHURCHILL.>>BUT I WOULDN’T PRESUME TO
IMITATE BILL. SEE IS SO MUCH A PARENT OF OUR
LIVES, EVEN NOW. THIS IS A HISTORY PLAY, BUT IT’S
A VERY, VERY RECENT HISTORY THAT WE’RE DEALING WITH. AND LUCAS, IN THE STAGE
DIRECTIONS OF HIS PLAY, HE SAYS, “DON’T BE TEMPTED TO IMITATE
THESE PEOPLE. THINK ABOUT PLAYING THE ROLE OF
HENRYV, OR RICHARD III. HE THINKS ABOUT IT IN VERY
SHAKESPEAREAN TERMS. AND I COMPLETELY AGREE. THE MINUTE I START DOGGEDLY
IMITATING BILL CLINTON IT BECOMES A “IS THE NIGHT LIVE”
SKETCH. AND EVEN THOUGH IT’S– IT’S A–
IT’S A– THERE’S PLENTY OF COMEDY IN THE PLAY. THERE’S PLENTY OF LAUGHTER, IT’S
A VERY SERIOUSLY INTENDED PLAY.>>Stephen: AND YOU’RE ALSO,
TOMORROW NIGHT, “PET CEMETERY.” OPENS IN THEATERS. VERY SIMILAR.>>YES, VERY SIMILAR. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: AND YOU PLAY JUDD CRANDLE, THE HEAVY HERE.>>Y DON’T THINK HE’S THE HEAVY. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU PLAY A
VILLAIN, HE’S ALWAYS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER. YOU’RE ON HIS SIDE.>>Stephen: HOW SCARY IS IT? BECAUSE I SCARE EASILY.>>DON’T GO. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S TERRIFYING. I– NOR DO I– STEPHEN, I’M NOT
A– I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF TOLERANCE FOR HORROR. I DON’T GO TO HORROR. I’M NOT A HORROR FAN. I WENT TO SEE IT WITH MY WIFE IN
AN EMPTY THEATER AND IT SCARED THE (BLEEP) OUT OF ME.>>Stephen: AND YOU WERE
THERE.>>AND I KNEW ALL MY LINES. I KNEW WHAT WAS COMING. IT WAS CRAZY. I WAS TRULY SHAKEN. AND I GUESS THAT’S WHAT A LOT OF
PEOPLE LOVE TO SEE.>>Stephen: YEAH, AND I DON’T
KNOW WHY.>>BELIEVE ME, BELIEVE ME, WE
DELIVER.>>Stephen: OKAY. WELL, BROADWAY, THE THEATER.>>ALSO KNOW YOU’RE A MUSICIAN. BUT YOU’RE ALSO AN AUTHOR. AN AUTHOR. YOU’VE GOT A NEW BOOK COMING
OUT. THIS IS AN ILLUSTRATION ON THE
FRONT. IT’S CALLED “DUMPTY” AND YOU–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU’RE ALSO–
>>Stephen: THAT’S MY ILLUSTRATION.>>Stephen: YOU– YOU– YOU
PAINTED THIS COVER ILLUSTRATION RIGHT THERE.>>I PAINTED COVER THE, YES.>>Stephen: THAT’S VERY GOOD. AND IT’S “AN AGE OF TRUMP IN
VERSE.” YOU’RE ALSO A POET, WHICH–
>>WELL, WELL, I’M A DOGGEREL POET. I’M A SORT OF RECKLESS
RHYMESTER.>>Stephen: OKAY.>>BUT, YIT COMES OUT IN THE
FALL. IT COMES OUT THE END OF OCTOBER. BUT MY DEADLINE TO FINISH ALL
THE POEMS WAS YESTERDAY. AND I BY GOD, I DID IT. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WELL, “MAESTRO, I KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE THE TEXT
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, BUT WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO SHARE ANY OF
YOUR DOGGEREL POETRY WITH US?>>IN A WORD, YES. IT’S– THE POEMS ARE A KIND OF
CHRONICLE OF THE LAST CRAZY TWO YEARS, VERY MUCH THE WAY YOU
CHRONICLE THIS POLITICAL MOMENT YOURSELF. THEY’RE COMIC DOG OF, DOGGEREL,
SATIRICAL POEMS. AND I TRIED OVER THE LAST COUPLE
OF YEARS– ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: THERE YOU GO. THAT’S A PRO. YOU CALL THAT A PRO RIGHT THERE.>>HE TOLD ME TO BRING IT, SO I
BROUGHT IT. I TRIED FOR ABOUT THE LAST EIGHT
MONTHS, TO RESPOND IN REAL TIME, AS MUCH AS I COULD, TO WHAT WAS
GOING ON. SO THIS IS THE FIRST TWO
STANZAS. THE FIRST TWO OF FIVE STANZA OF
THE LAST POEM OF THE BOOK. AND IT’S BASED ON THE EVENTS OF
THE LAST 10 DAYS.>>Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, JOHN LITHGOW IN A DRAMATIC READING FROM “DUMPTY.”>>”DUMPTY” BY THE WAY IS MY
NAME FOR OUR PRESIDENT, AS IN TRUVMENTY DUMPTY, BUT THAT’S
ANOTHER POEM. IT’S CALLED– IT’S CALLED
“AFTERWARD.” THE REPORT WAS AT HAND, AND
DUMPTY WAS MANIC AWASH IN A FLOOD OF DISTEMPER
AND PANIC. AT LUSH MAR-A-LAGO, HE BRACED
FOR BOB MUELLER, HIS RUTHL RUTHL JARVIER. WHEN FROM DISTANT D.M. CAME A
CALL FROM BILL BARR, HISICA KNIFING A.G.
DUMPTY LURCHED FROM HIS BED ARE A GROAN AND PICKED UP
THE PHONE. “GOOD NEWS!”
BARR EXPLAINED. WE’RE HOME FREE. IT’S A WASH. THE REPORT IS A BIG NOTHING. IT’S EASY TO QUASH. THUS BEGAN BARR’S CAMPAIGN TO
COVERTLY IMPEELED IT, SINCE HE, ONLY HE, WAS ENTITLED TO READ
IT. IN FACT HE JUST GAVE IT A
CURSORY GLANCE, BUT THAT HADN’T THWARTED HIS VICTORY DANCE, NOR
FORESTALLED HIS APPALLING MISREPRESENTATION PROCLAIMING
THE POTUS’ EXONERATION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: “HILLARY AND CLINTON” IS AT THE GOLDEN
THEATER ON BROADWAY. JOHN LITHGOW, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GEORGIA
DEMOCRAT STACEY ABRAMS.

Indian Election Update | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix


Did you see the results? -Yeah.
-Landslide victory for… Modi, Modi, Modi. I told you.
I said, “Don’t do Indian elections.” Why can’t I talk about Indian politics?
I’m Indian. You’re Indian? You didn’t even live there. How do you call yourself an Indian? My family’s from there. People think that you’re American.
You’re a white washed. No, I’m not. You know me
and uncle are brown, you know that. How? But you don’t behave like a brown. -What does that even mean?
-You think that you’re a smart white dude. Sorry, you’re not. If you don’t want me
to talk about politics, -what do you want me to talk about?
-Go ahead with Bollywood. -I’m not talking about Bollywood.
-You should. -I’m not talking about Bollywood.
-No, Indian food. -The spicy Indian food.
-Oh, yeah. Biryani. -You want me to do 26 minutes…
-Oh, yes. on biryani? Yeah, you can do an hour. You could do an hour. Okay. What if I just do the update
on what happened? -Apology is the only update you can give.
-Only update you can do. Maybe you can put it as… “Patriot Act:
Apology Regarding Indian Elections.” You want me to do “Patriot Act:
Apology About Indian Elections?” -Yes.
-“Sorry, I Didn’t Listen.” Hello. Thank you so much! Thank you. Hello, how are you? Hi! Welcome to Patriot Act. I’m Hasan Minhaj.
Thank you guys so much for coming out. Oh, man. Now, look. India just wrapped up
its general election, and we have to talk about it. I mean, can you imagine if we didn’t? Like every white person would be like,
“Is Hasan okay?” And every Indian person would be like,
“Good, he learned.” So here’s a quick update. This election
pretty much came down to two parties. The BJP,
a right-wing Hindu Nationalist group led by incumbent Prime Minister,
Narendra Modi, and the Congress Party,
led by Rahul Gandhi. And the results were stunning. Prime Minister Narendra Modi
is celebrating a sweeping victory Narendra Modi now set for
a second five-year term as prime minister of the world’s biggest democracy. Ladies and gentlemen, India has spoken, and India has spoken decisively. Okay, that’s Navika Kumar, and we featured her the last time
we talked about the elections. So she hit me up on Twitter and invited me to come on her show
for a debate. And I said… “Hell no.”
That show is way too intense. I would get destroyed like King’s Landing. Make your point! All right, make your point! Respond to the basic issues. Can you just calm down? Why are you getting personal? I think you suffer from amnesia. Stop playing the victim card. You did not make
the political point that you should have. Do they just slap everyone
right before they put them on air? Also, how do they fit so many people
on that show? It’s like they mapped the population
of India onto their news shows. Now, look. We know this. It’s not a huge surprise
that the BJP won. It was the size of their victory
that was shocking. Modi’s BJP Party won 303 out of 542 seats in the lower House of Parliament.
It’s well beyond the simple majority a party in India needs
to form a government. The BJP took so many seats, they won a majority on their own. They pulled it off
by expanding beyond the Hindi Belt, which sounds like something
Gucci got in trouble for selling. But… the Hindi Belt is actually a region that’s made up entirely
of Hindi-speaking states. In this election,
the BJP managed to expand into every part of India. They are now 56%
of the lower House of Parliament. Meanwhile, the Congress Party ended
this election with 52 seats. That’s not even 10% of the lower house. And if you think things couldn’t get
any worse for Rahul Gandhi, you’re very wrong. And one of the highlights
of the BJP’s amazing victory is Amethi, where the party’s Smriti Irani
defeated Congress President Rahul Gandhi. An event that has led
to even more humiliation for the congress. I would like to say Smriti Irani has won. I want to congratulate her.
The citizens of a Amethi have decided. I respect their decision. Okay, Rahul couldn’t even win
his own district, which his family held for decades. He lost to a BJP candidate
named Smriti Irani, who’s a former soap opera star. And trust me, she does not fuck around. Okay, why did they film this entire show
on Google Street View? It feels like the director
is like, “Wait. I’m just looking for a brunch spot.
Let me just… let me just get my Matrix on.” Killing the competition
isn’t just a metaphor. The BJP ran some wild candidates. Like Anantkumar Hegde who said, “As long as we have Islam in the world,
there will be no end to terrorism,” which kind of sounds like
Stephen Miller’s wedding vows. Or Sakshi Maharaj, who has
34 criminal cases against him, including robbery and murder, but by far the craziest BJP candidate
was Pragya Thakur, who won in Bhopal. Now, she recently pissed off
pretty much all of India. Sadhvi Pragya has proved to be
the biggest embarrassment for the BJP. She has called Mahatma Gandhi’s assassin
a patriot. You can’t say that. That’s like calling Ted Bundy
a ladies man. Now, Pragya eventually apologized. But this isn’t the first time she’s run
into trouble. Last year, a terrorism charge
was laid against her as a suspect in a 2008 mosque bombing
that killed six people. Visiting a Bhopal Hindu temple
for a cleansing ceremony, she adamantly maintains her innocence
in the case. I am 100% innocent. Okay, technically… Pragya is out on bail
because she has cancer. But she’s also been accused
of plotting a deadly bomb attack. So, I just don’t know how to do this joke. You know what I mean?
‘Cause, like, what was her Make-A-Wish? You know what I mean? They were like,
“Hey, do you want to meet The Rock?” And then she was like,
“Can he help me blow up a mosque?” I told you it was fucked up. Now look, it’s easy to reduce
the BJP’s popularity to one issue, whether you look Pragya
and think Hindu nationalism or you look at Congress and you think
of corruption and incompetence. But don’t forget one
of the biggest reasons the BJP won is Narendra Modi himself. Voters wanted him
to be the face of India. So even though he’s known
for not taking questions from the press, the stakes of this election were so high,
even he had to sit down for an interview with one of the most feared journalists
in India, Bollywood star Akshay Kumar. The fashion statement you make
is very interesting. Have you styled it yourself? This is a good question. I want to know if you eat mangoes. I eat mangoes,
and I enjoy it very much. Okay, that sounds like a five-year-old
interviewing their doll. Akshay’s like, “Do you like mangoes? I like mangoes. Would you like some more tea?” He’s so charming, I almost forgot
about the Rafale scandal. Now, I totally get why Indians love Modi. He’s so Indian.
The day before voting ended, he climbed the Himalayan Mountains
and meditated in a shrine for 18 hours. He basically did what Americans think
Indians do all the time. Look, you may not agree with his politics,
but the man knows a good photo op. He’s like, “Look, I want to meditate.
Get the cameras ready.” THERE’S– FUCK– THIS IS A THREE CAMERA SHOOT! Look what they’re cutting. They had to cut wide on the walk.
They’re getting his lineup. They got his lineup! We have multiple angles inside
of a cave, you guys. The point is Modi is savvy and revered, and I know this because Indian trolls
are blowing up my mentions. They don’t like my sweater.
They don’t like my hand motions. This person just wants me to know
that I’m a son of a bitch. I love how he wrote, “Just so you know.” He’s like, “Hey, just FYI. You’re a son of a bitch.” But I picked up on a general theme. Modi supporters think I was trying
to swing the election. “Let me take this time
to thank Hasan Minhaj, who helped us elect
a right-wing government in India. Thank you.” Okay, let me make this very clear. Comedians can’t swing elections. This is insane. George W. Bush won twice
when Jon Stewart was on the air. We’re talking peak Stewart, you guys. He had black hair.
He had the shoulder pads. He took down Crossfire. Everyone was like,
“I get my news from J-Stew. He’s the truth-teller.” Meanwhile, Bush went back-to-back.
Comedians don’t do shit. But… I can’t go online without Desi trolls telling me
I ruined democracy. So clearly,
I didn’t need to go to Navika’s show. Navika’s show came to me. I think he made Modi win. Why is he talking about
Indian politics anyway? He has no clue about Narendra Modi.
He has no clue about BJP. This guy’s an anti-Indian. You are my least favorite
Daily Show correspondent. -Not funny.
-Excuse me. That is not the point.
Can I make my point? -Can I make my point?
-Make your point! It’s only Modi, Modi, Modi for him. I tried to tell him not
to talk about this, and he never listened to me. He’s a complete idiot and a buffoon. Why are you getting personal? Why are you getting personal? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Let’s not get personal. Hasan Minhaj is a son of a bitch!

Another Confession From A Virginia Politician


>>THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRATIC
LEADERSHIP IN VIRGINIA IN QUESTION THIS MORNING AS THE TOP
THREE STATE OFFICIALS ENGULFED IN SCANDALS. GOVERNOR RALPH NORTHAM AND
ATTORNEY GENERAL MARK HERRING RECEIVING BACKLASH FOR ADMITTING
TO WEARING BLACKFACE AS COSTUMES IN THE ’80s.>>THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. AS THE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE CLERK AT
THE VIRGINIA CAPITOL BUILDING, I AM 132nd IN LINE FOR THE
VIRGINIA GOVERNORSHIP, BUT KNOWING HOW FAST VIRGINIA
POLITICIANS ARE DROPPING TO SCANDALS, I WANTED TO GET AHEAD
OF A STORY FROM MY PAST. WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, A FEW
FRIENDS AND I DRESSED UP AS WITCH DOCTORS FOR A FRAT PARTY. IT WAS AN OLD TRADITION THAT WE
STARTED THAT YEAR. AND BECAUSE OF OUR IGNORANCE AND
GLIB ATTITUDE, WE ATE A DRIFTER, WHO WE BOILED IN A CANNIBAL COOK
POT. IN OUR DEFENSE, HE WAS WELL
MARBLED. IN RETROSPECT, I SEE HOW
HORRIBLE MY ACTIONS BEFORE, BUT IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, WAY BACK
IN THE EARLY 2000s. I APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE I HURT,
ES SPECIAL THE PERSON I ATE. I WILL USE THIS EXPERIENCE TO
GROW AND I PROMISE TO NEVER EVER DO IT AGAIN.>>WOULD YOU EAT SOMEONE NOW? OH, NOW? UM — I — UH —
( WHISPERING ) MY WIFE SAYS INAPPROPRIATE
CIRCUMSTANCES. PLUS I DON’T HAVE ANY KETCHUP.>>Announcer: IT’S “THE LATE
SHOW” WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.

Stop Investigating Me! Or Else!


WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO
“THE LATE SHOW,.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL TODAY, THERE REALLY IS JUST
ONE BIG STORY: AMERICA’S STEP-DADDY IS ANGRY.( LAUGHTER )
SEE, TRUMP AND CONGRESS HAVE BEEN IN A STANDOFF OVER
INVESTIGATIONS. UNTIL NOW, TRUMP HAS BLOCKED
EVERY REQUEST MADE BY HOUSE INVESTIGATORS AND DEMO-CRATES–
THEM THERE DEMO-CRATES — THEY HAVE A PAINFUL CASE OF THE BLUE
SUBPOENAS.( LAUGHTER )
SO THIS IS LEADING TO MORE AND MORE AND MORE OF THOSE
DEMO-CRATES TO THROW UP THEIR HANDS AND CALL FOR IMPEACHMENT. SO, THIS MORNING, NANCY PELOSI
HELD A MEETING TO CALM DOWN HER CAUCUS, AND SHE EMERGED TO SAY
THIS:>>WE BELIEVE NO ONE IS ABOVE
THE LAW, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, AND WE
BELIEVE THE PRESIDENT IS ENGAGED IN A COVER-UP.>>Stephen: IT’S CALLED BRONZER,
NANCY. IT’S CALLED BRONZER, NANCY, AND
HE’S NOT FOOLING ANYONE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I THOUGHT I COULD BEAT THEM. I THOUGHT I COULD BEAT THEM. AFTER THAT, PELOSI AND CHUCK
SCHUMER HEADED OVER TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A PRE-SCHEDULED
MEETING ON THEIR INFRASTRUCTURE DEAL. IF YOU REMEMBER A COUPLE OF
WEEKS AGO, MAKE A MONTH, THE DEMOCRATS PROPOSED A
$1 TRILLION INFRASTRUCTURE DEAL AND TRUMP SAID, “WHY NOT
$2 TRILL?” SO THEY SAID OKAY. TODAY WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE
HAMMERING OUT THE DETAILS AND VENMO-ING THE CASH, WITH A
LIG BRIDGE EMOJI OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.( LAUGHTER )
IT DIDN’T WORK OUT THAT WAY. ACCORDING TO PEOPLE IN THE ROOM,
TRUMP WALKED IN, DIDN’T SHAKE ANYONE’S HAND OR TAKE A SEAT,
AND LEFT BEFORE ANYONE ELSE COULD SPEAK. ALL TOLD, IT WAS OVER IN THREE
MINUTES.>>Audience: OOOOH!>>Stephen: ACCORDING TO
STORMY DANIELS, THAT’S TWO BONUS MINUTES.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
NOW, TRUMP WALKED OUT THE DOOR, STRAIGHT TO THE ROSE GARDEN FOR
A NATIONALLY TELEVISED HISSY FIT, COMPLETE WITH A PODIUM
ADORNED WITH A PREPRINTED SIGN THAT SAID, “NO COLLUSION, NO
OBSTRUCTION.” BLOCK THE SEAL. VERY PRESIDENTIAL, I GOTTA SAY,
VERY PRESIDENTIAL. IT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME THAT
JEFFERSON ADDRESSED THE CONTINENTAL CONGRESS BEHIND A
SIGN THAT SAID, “SALLY HEMMINGS, JUST A FRIEND.”( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP STARTED — HE STARTED THE WHOLE KID KITT AND CABOODLE BY
EXPLAINING WHY THE INFRASTRUCTURE MEETING WAS SO
SHORT.>>I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT I WALKED INTO THE ROOM, AND I TOLD SENATOR SCHUMER, SPEAKER
PELOSI, “I WANT TO DO INFRASTRUCTURE. I WANT TO DO IT MORE THAN YOU
WANT TO DO IT. I’D BE REALLY GOOD AT THAT. THAT’S WHAT I DO. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN’T DO IT UNDER THESE
CIRCUMSTANCES.”>>Stephen: SO TRUMP HAS A CLEAR
STANCE ON INFRASTRUCTURE.(AS TRUMP)
“IT’S MY WAY, OR NO HIGHWAY.”( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: THAT’S ABOUT RIGHT. THAT SUMS IT UP, YEAH.>>Stephen: TRUMP WAS FURIOUS
ABOUT THE DEMOCRATS’ ONGOING EFFORTS TO BE CONGRESS, AND DREW
A LINE IN THE SAND.>>SO, I’VE SAID FROM THE
BEGINNING, RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING, THAT YOU PROBABLY
CAN’T GO DOWN TWO TRACKS. YOU CAN GO DOWN THE
INVESTIGATION TRACK. AND YOU CAN GO DOWN THE
INVESTMENT TRACK OR THE TRACK OF “LET’S GET THINGS DONE FOR THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
>>Stephen: OKAY, WE JUST COUNTED THREE TRACKS, AND IT
STILL WENT OFF THE RAILS.( LAUGHTER )
THE SOURCE OF TRUMP’S RAGE WAS PELOSI’S MEETING THIS MORNING,
AND GROWING CALLS TO REMOVE HIM FROM OFFICE.>>ALL OF A SUDDEN, I HEAR LAST
NIGHT, THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE A MEETING RIGHT BEFORE THIS
MEETING, TO TALK ABOUT THE “I” WORD. THE “I” WORD. CAN YOU IMAGINE?>>Stephen: I CAN.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ I’M IMAGINING IT RIGHT NOW, AND
THAT’S–( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S WHY JIM’S SHOOTING ME FROM THE WAIST UP.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
SOLID FAMILY SHOW. THEN TRUMP LET US KNOW THAT HE’S
DENYING CONGRESS’ CONSTITUTIONAL POWERS FOR A NOBLE PURPOSE. IF SOME DAY A DEMOCRAT BECOMES
PRESIDENT, AND YOU HAVE A REPUBLICAN HOUSE, THEY CAN
IMPEACH HIM FOR ANY REASON– OR HER– ANY REASON. WE CAN’T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“WE CAN’T HAVE A WORLD WHERE REPUBLICANS IMPEACH A DEMOCRAT
FOR SOMETHING EVERYONE DOES, LIKE LYING ABOUT CHEATING ON
YOUR WIFE. OR HER WIFE.”( LAUGHTER )
THE PRESIDENT ALSO DEFENDED HIS SON, WHO HAS BEEN SUBPOENAED BY
THE SENATE.>>MY SON DON, WHO’S A GOOD
YOUNG MAN, WHO’S GONE THROUGH HELL.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I MEAN, HE HAD ME AS A FATHER. THAT COULD NOT HAVE BEEN EASY. THAT IS– THAT IS– THAT’S A
ROUGH– THAT’S A TOUGH ROAD TO HOE.”>>Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.>>Stephen: THEN HE RAMBLED ON
ABOUT THE PHONE CALLS THAT DON JR. MADE AFTER THE MEETINGS WITH
RUSSIANS AT TRUMP TOWER. IT’S LONG BEEN SUSPECTED THAT
ONE OF THOSE WAS TO HIS FATHER, TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE RUSSIANS. BUT THAT’S ALL CLEARED UP NOW?>>THREE CALLS… AFTER MASSIVE STUDY AND WORK,
THEY ACTUALLY FOUND WHO MADE THE CALLS. ONE WAS A FRIEND OF OURS, A REAL
ESTATE DEVELOPER. GREAT GUY. MOST OF YOU KNOW HIM. NICE GUY. LOVES OUR COUNTRY. AND THE OTHER ONE WAS THE HEAD
OF NASCAR. TWO OF THEM.>>Stephen: TWO OF THEM. WHAT ABOUT THE THIRD CALL?( LAUGHTER )
( AS TRUMP )
“LOOK, I’VE BEEN ACCUSED OF
EATING THREE PIES, BUT I HAVEN’T EATEN ANY PIE. WANT PROOF? HERE’S TWO OF THE PIES.( LAUGHTER )
NOW, DOES ANYONE HAVE SOME FLOSS? BECAUSE I GOT A LOT OF RHUBARB
IN MY TEETH.”( LAUGHTER )
BUT THIS SPEECH–( APPLAUSE )
“NEVER RUB ANOTHER MAN’S– NEVER RUB ANOTHER MAN’S RHUBARB.” BUT THIS SPEECH WAS UNUSUAL,
BECAUSE FOR ONCE, TRUMP ACTUALLY READ FROM HIS NOTES.>>I HAVE 19 SPECIAL COUNSEL
LAWYERS, 40 F.B.I. AGENTS. I SAID, “OPEN IT ALL UP! LET THEM HAVE WHATEVER THEY
WANT.” NEARLY 500 SEARCH WARRANTS–
THINK OF THAT, A SEARCH WARRANT, DID YOU EVER SEE A SEARCH
WARRANT BEFORE? NEITHER DID I.>>Stephen: I HAVE A FEELING
YOU’RE GOING TO BE SEEING SOME MORE.( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP WAS READING OFF A
SO-CALLED “FACT SHEET” ABOUT THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION HIS TEAM
HANDED OUT TO THE CROWD. NOW, THEY GOT THIS FACT SHEET
FROM ABC NEWS. BUT HERE’S THE THING. THEY CONVENIENTLY LEFT OUT THE
SECOND PAGE, WHICH INCLUDED INFORMATION, LIKE SEVEN GUILTY
PLEAS, SIX TRUMP ASSOCIATES CHARGED, FOUR PEOPLE SENTENCED
TO PRISON… ♪ AND A CRIMINAL PRESIDENCY ♪
( APPLAUSE )

♪ THREE WEDDING RINGS ♪ USING ONLY HALF OF THAT GRAPHIC
IS LIKE WRITING A REVIEW AFTER WATCHING ONLY THE HALF OF
“TITANIC.” ( AS REVIEWER )
“I ENJOYED THE BIG SHIP AND THE SEX IN THE CAR. I SMELL A SEQUEL.”( LAUGHTER )
THEN IT WAS THE DEMOCRATS’ TURN TO HAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE, AND
NANCY PELOSI CALLED TRUMP OUT FOR NOT HAVING WHAT IT TAKES TO
GET A DEAL DONE.>>WE HAD HOPED THAT WE COULD
GIVE THIS PRESIDENT AN OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A SIGNATURE
INFRASTRUCTURE INITIATIVE TO CREATE JOBS, TO IMPROVE THE
QUALITY OF LIFE, TO JUST DO SO MUCH FOR OUR COUNTRY. FOR SOME REASON– MAYYBE IT WAS
LACK OF CONFIDENCE ON HIS PART THAT HE REALLY COULDN’T COME–
MATCH THE GREATNESS OF THE CHALLENGE THAT WE HAVE.>>Jon: OOOOH! OOOH!>>Stephen: WOW. QUESTIONING HIS CONFIDENCE. “IT SEEMS PRESIDENT TRUMP
COULDN’T RISE TO THE CHALLENGE OF PUTTING UP LONG BRIDGES AND
DEEP TUNNELS. IT HAPPENS TO A LOT OF
PRESIDENTS HIS AGE.”( LAUGHTER )
LATER IN THE DAY, PELOSI WAS AT A DIFFERENT EVENT AND SHE RAISED
THE STAKES. THIS IS WHY I THINK THE
PRESIDENT WAS SO STEAMED THIS MORNING. IN PLAIN SIGHT, IN THE PUBLIC
DOMAIN, THIS PRESIDENT IS OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE AND HE’S
ENGAGED IN A COVER-UP. AND THAT COULD BE AN IMPEACHABLE
OFFENSE.>>Stephen: WHAT? WHAT DID SHE SAY, AN IMPEACHABLE
OFSSS! JUST SAY IT, NANCY. STOP TEASING US. “HEY, KIDS, GET IN THE CAR! WE’RE GOING TO THE DISME OFSSS
STORE.”

Josh Brolin Reads Trump Tweets As Thanos


NOW THEN, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.>>DO YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST
THOUGHT WHEN I WATCHED THAT TRAILER? HOW TO DEFINE GOOD ACTING IS
ACTING WHILE YOU’RE EATING. BECAUSE IF YOU NOTICE, IN THE
LITTLE THING THAT YOU SAW, I’M EATING THE WHOLE TIME. SO, LIKE, WE COULD HAVE AN
INTERVIEW WITH WE’RE JUST GOING, “SO, JOSH, TELL ME HOW THINGS
ARE GOING.” AND I GO, “IT’S GOING REALLY
GOOD.” THAT’S GREAT ACTING.>>Stephen: COULD WE GET THIS
GUY SOME FOOD, PLEASE, HUMMUS AND CHIPS.>>BRING SOME FOOD IN.>>Stephen: YEAH, I’M GOG TEST
YOUR ACTING CHOPS IN JUST A MINUTE.>>THANKS.>>Stephen: LAST TIME YOU WERE
HERE, YOU– YOU– WE HAD A GOOD TIME.>>WE HAD A VERY GOOD TIME.>>Stephen: IT WAS ONE OF THE
WILDER INTERVIEWS I’VE EVER DONE.>>SERIOUSLY? THAT YOU HAVE EVER DONE? I FIND YOU A DANGEROUS HUMAN
BEING.>>Stephen: I’M A DANGEROUS
HUMAN BEING?>>A DANGEROUS COMEDIAN, WHICH I
ENJOY THOROUGHLY. I’M NOT SURE IF YOU EVEN HAVE
YOUR PANTS ON RIGHT NOW.>>Stephen: WHAT?>>NOTHING.>>Stephen: I THINK WE GOT
YOUR SHIRT OFF LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE. AND YOU WEREN’T AS BUFF AS YOU
ARE RIGHT NOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON. WHAT!>>I DIDN’T DO THAT LAST TIME. SEE EVERY TIME —
>>Stephen: DOWCH DO YOU WANT SO CHEST HAIR?>>GO FOR IT.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH, OH,
YEAH, THERE YOU GO.>>ANY FOOD?>>Stephen: FOOD’S COMING.>>WHERE’S THE FOOD? HERE, BRING THE FOOD OUT. BRING THE FOOD OUT.>>Stephen: WELL, LISTEN–
BRING IT OUT HERE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.>>LET’S DO A SCENE TOGETHER.>>Stephen: PRESSLES!>>GU. GUFIRST.>>Stephen: OKAY.>>READY? NOW JUST START THE SCENE. DO ANY SCENE.>>Stephen: ANY SCENE? ( LAUGHTER )
I KNEW IT WAS YOU, FREDO.>>YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS ME,
AND I’M NOT FREDO. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT WAS PRETTY– ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: AND– AND SCENE. THAT’S IMPROV 101, MY FRIEND.>>I GOTTA TELL YOU, I SAW HOW
NERVOUS YOU GOT– I SAW HOW NERVOUS YOU GOT WHEN I SAID, “DO
A SCENE,” NOT THAT IT’S ME BUT ACTING IN GENERAL. BUT YOU KILLED IT, MAN, YOU
KILLED IT. ( APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK
YOU.>>Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME WATER?>>NO, I’M OKAY. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.>>IT’S LIKE I’M IN A DESERT
RIGHT NOW, DUDE.>>Stephen: SURE. WELL, PEOPLE ARE CALLING THIS
“THE SUMMER OF BROALEN.” YOU HAVE “THE DEADPOOL.” YOU’RE CABLE IN “DEADPOOL.” YOU’RE THANOS– IS THAT OKAY? IS THAT ALL RIGHT? THAT’S NOT WATER.>>I GOT IT.>>Stephen: AND NOW YOU GOT
“SICARIO,” YOU GOT “SICARIO” HERE.>>I’M LUCKY.>>Stephen: YOU ARE CLEARLY–
CLEARLY DRIVEN, DEDICATED ACTOR. AND YOU’RE A DRIVEN DEDICATED
LIFTER. I SAW HOW JACKED YOU GOT TO PLAY
CABLE.>>I DID. REMEMBER WHEN I WAS HERE? I WAS FAT.>>Stephen: YOU SAY YOU WERE
FAT.>>IT’S NOT A DEROGATORY WORD.>>Stephen: YOU SAY YOU WERE
FAT.>>I WAS.>>Stephen: IT WAS JUST A LOT
OF BROLIN TO LOVE.>WE ARMED
WRESTLE BACK THEN.>>WE DID.>>Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO DO
IT AGAIN?>>YES. ( APPLAUSE )
SO I WAS– I WAS 240 THEN.>>Stephen: 240 EXPWROO I’M
200 NOW. SO TOGETHER WE’RE, LIKE, A
BRUTAL 310.>>Stephen: READY? OKAY, GRAB THIS RIGHT HERE. ON THREE, ONE, TWO, THREE, GO.>>I REMEMBER WHEN I DID THIS
LAST TIME, MY HIMSELF LOOKED THAT BIG. BUT I’M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN. SERIOUSLY, LOOK ME IN THE EYE. LOOK ME IN THE PUPIL. IT’S A PSYCHOLOGICAL ELEMENT. ( LAUGHTER )
DON’T LAUGH. READY? READY? WHAT WAS THAT?>>Stephen: I’M GETTING MY
ELBOW. I HAVE TO FREE UP THE ARM, BABY. I HAVE TO FREE UP–
>>DID YOU THIS LAST TIME. IT’S A FULL DISTRACTION
TECHNIQUE. AND I’M NOT BUYING IT PAL. HERE WE GO. GO. HOLY GOD! IT HURTS SO MUCH! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOD! OH NO! OH NO!>>Audience: STEPHEN! STEPHEN!>>I JUST– I LITERALLY– MY
LABRIUM WENT LIKE THAT. HOW ARE YOU.>>Stephen: ARE A GOOD ACTOR.>>HOW OLD ARE YOU?>>Stephen: I’M 54 YEARS OLD.>>REALLY? HOW OLD ARE YOU? 50.>>Stephen: THAT’S WHY YOU
BEAT ME. THE ELBOW IS THE FIRST THING
THAT GOES IN THE MID-50s. THEY SAID I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO
COMB MY HAIR AGAIN. THAT’S A TRIUMPH THAT I COULD
ARM WRESTLE YOU AT ALL.>>CAN I TELL YOU THE HONEST
TRUTH.>>Stephen: YEAH.>>MY ARM ACTUALLY HURTS RIGHT
NOW.>>Stephen: REALLY?>>I’M NOT KIDDING.>>Stephen: CAN I TELL YOU
THE HONEST TRUTH? I WASN’T TRYING. YOU’RE THE GUEST! CBS SAYS I HAVE TO LET YOU WIN. ( APPLAUSE )
>>WHEN I LEAVE, YOU WILL BE LEFT WITH YOUR SHAME.>>Stephen: I– I– I CAME
WITH MY SHAME. THAT’S WHAT I BRING TO THIS
INDUSTRY– SHAME.>>AREN’T WE SUPPOSED TO TALK
ABOUT A MOVIE OR SOMETHING?>>Stephen: OH, WE CAN, WE
CAN. WE’RE NOT BROADCAST ANYTHING OF
THIS. TURN THE CAMERAS ON NOW. TURN THE CAMERAS ON NOW. LET ME ASK, BEFORE WE GET TO THE
MOVIE “SICARIO: DAY OF THE SOLDADO,” INCREDIBLE MOVIE.>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: FIRST MOVIE, SO
MANY QUESTIONS THAT WEREN’T ANSWERED ABOUT SICARIO, WHAT
DOES IT MEAN? WHICH CHARACTER IS SICARIO?>>YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY A LITTLE
DENSE BUT– ( LAUGHTER )
SICARIO MEANS HIT MAN AND BENICIO WAS THE SICARIO. IT’S NOT A TOUGH WORD WHEN YOU
THINK ABOUT IT. PEOPLE WERE WORRIED ABOUT THE
WORD. KIND OF LIKE “NO COUNTRY FOR OLD
MEN.” KIND OF LIKE, PEOPLE SAID,
“YOU’RE SO GREAT ABOUT OLD COUNTRY MEN.” AND NOW SAY THEY YOU WERE GREAT
IN “SCARIO.” I’M LIKE IF YOU WANT TO CALL IT
THAT, THAT’S FINE. AS LONG AS YOU PAY THE TICKET
PRICE. ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, SO, EXWAIRKS UNANSWERED– LET ME INTERVIEW YOU. UNANSWERED QUESTIONS ABOUT
SICARIO– I ALMOST (BLEEP). ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: LET ME ASK YOU –>>THE WORD I’VE NEVER USED, THE
“F” WORLD.>>Stephen: LET ME ASK YOU
ABOUT YOUR YOUTH AND YOUR RUGGEDNESS. I UNDERSTAND YOU GREW UP ON A
RANCH WITH ANIMALS ON IT.>>I DID.>>Stephen: DID YOU HELP
BIRTH– DID YOU HELP BIRTH MOUNTAIN LIONS?>>YES, SIR.>>Stephen: YES YAND HOW AND
IS THAT LEGAL?>>MY MOTHER RAN A WILDLIFE WAY
STATION, SHE TOOK WILD ANIMALS — ANIMALS THAT HAD BEEN
ILLEGALLY TAKEN OUT OF THE WILD, SHE WOULD NURSE THEM BACK TO
HEALTH OR FIND A ZOO. WE HAD MOUNTAIN LIONS, WE HAD
CHIMPANZEES, WE HAD LIONS –>>Stephen: HOW OLD WERE YOU
WHEN YOU HELPED TO BIRTH THESE MOUNTAIN LIONS?>>SEVEN, EIGHT.>>Stephen: THAT’S WHY YOU’RE
RUGGED. THIS GUY, THAT GUY RIGHT THERE. OKAY, SEE THAT GUY RIGHT THERE. THANOS. OKAY. I HAVE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION
ABOUT OUR PRESIDENT. LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE– LAST
TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU SAID, “YOU USED TO KNOW HIM.”>>I DID. I KNEW HIM A LITTLE BIT. I USED TO, LIKE, TAKE PRIDE IN
IT BUT –>>Stephen: A LITTLE BIT OF
FALLING OUT. PEOPLE HAVE COLPAIRED THANOS TO
TRUMP IN SOME WAYS. DO YOU SEE THAT? DO YOU SEE THAT AT ALL?>>NOT THE CHIN REALLY– OR
MAYBE THE CHIN BECAUSE IT LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE A (BLEEP) SACK.>>Stephen: LITTLE BIT, LITTLE
BIT. CBS– CBS MIGHT WANT TO BLUR
THAT IN BROADCAST TONIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
ANY OTHER WAYS. HE’S A LEADER, STRONG WILLED.>>HE IS STRONG WILLED, BUT IF
YOU LOOK AT IT– THAT WAS WHAT WAS FUN ABOUT THE MOVIE. PEOPLE SAW THE MOVIE AND FELT
SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS HIM– NOT EVEN SYMPATHETIC BUT THEY HAD A
MULTITUDE OF REACTIONS TO HIM, NOT EVEN HE’S THE WORST GUY IN
THE UNIVERSE. BUT HIS INTENTION, IF YOU THINK
ABOUT IT, HIS INTENTION WAS THERE’S AN OVER-ABUNDANCE OF
POPULATION AND THERE’S LIMITED RESOURCES SO WHAT HE’S DOING IS
ACTUALLY RIGHT, RIGHT.>>Stephen: HE COULD ALSO USE
THE GLOVE TO DOUBLE THE RESOURCES.>>HE COULD, BUT HE DIDN’T THINK
OF THAT AT THAT MOMENT BECAUSE —
>>Stephen: HE RUSHED TO MURDERING HALF OF —
>>BECAUSE HE’S TOO CALLOUS. THE MANIFESTATION IS CALLOUS.>>Stephen: I SEE.>>IF YOU LOOK AT TRUMP, I THINK
THAT, YES, THERE ARE BORDER PROBLEMS AND EVERY BORDER HAS
PROBLEMS WITH PEOPLE COMING OVER, OVERPOPULATION AND LIMITED
RESOURCES AND ALL THAT. BUT HOW IT’S MANIFESTED,
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU BRING CHILDREN INTO IT, IS EXTREMELY
CALLOUS.>>Stephen: THERE IT IS. ( APPLAUSE )
I’LL BUY THAT. CAN YOU– THE VOICE– LET ME ASK
THE VOICE OF THANOS. OBVIOUSLY, A LOT OF THAT IS
C.G.I. NO, IT’S NOT.>>Stephen: YOU’RE JACKED,
YOU’RE JACKED, BUT YOU’RE NOT THANOS JACKED.>>YES, I AM.>>Stephen: NO, YOU’RE NOT.>>YES, I AM.>>Stephen: BECAUSE IF I
LASTED THAT LONG AGAINST THANOS, THEN I’M CAPTAIN AMERICA.>>I WAS PLAYING WITH YOU.>>Stephen: CAN YOU DO THE
VOICE? OR IS THE VOICE– IS THE VOICE
AFFECTED?>>YEAH, I CAN DO– IT’S ME,
DUDE. IT’S NOT ALL C.G.I. I DID THE JOB. I GOT PAID FOR IT. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: WOULD YOU BE
WILLING TO READ SOME OF TRUMP’S TWEETS AS THANOS?>>TRUMP’S TWEETS? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: ONE, TWO, THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE.>>ONE, TWO, THREE. YEAH, YEAH. I GOT IT. LOOK, NOW IT’S LIKE GRAMPA
THANOS. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: OKAY, NOW–
>>IT WOULD SEEM– NO.>>Stephen: AND NOW THANOS,
THE MAD TIGHTEN WILL READ DONALD TRUMP’S TWEETS.>>IT WOULD SEEM VERY HARD TO
OBSTRUCT JUSTICE FOR A CRIME THAT NEVER HAPPENED. WHICH HUNT.>>Stephen: I’LL BUY IT, I’LL
BUY IT. ( APPLAUSE ).>>THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES ON MY FIRST TRY, I THINK THAT WOULD QUALIFY AS NOT SMART,
BUT GENIUS. ( LAUGHTER )
AND A VERY STABLE GENIUS AT THAT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )>>Stephen: THAT’S VERY
THANOS. AND, OF COURSE, LET’S– LET’S
BRING IT HOME.>>MAGA. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: “SICARIO: DAY OF THE SOLDADO” IS IN THEATERS JUNE 29. THE MAN IS JOSH BROLIN,
EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RUTH
NEGGA.

Katy Tur & Jacob Soboroff: Money In Politics Is The Source of Corruption


>>Stephen: WE’RE BACK. WE’RE BACK WITH KATY TUR AND
JACOB SOBOROFF FROM MSNBC. AND YOU GUYS HAVE A NEW
DOCU-SERIES CALLED “AMERICAN SWAMP.”>>WE SURE DO.>>Stephen: ON GOVERNMENT
CORRUPTION.>>IT’S EXCITING.>>Stephen: UNFORTUNATELY,
I’M SURE YOU’VE GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT. HOW BAD IS THE SWAMP? DONALD TRUMP RAN ON–
>>DRAINING IT.>>Stephen: HOW BAD IS IT? WHAT LEVEL ARE WE AT? ARE WE LIKE AT GOLDEN AGE
CORRUPTION? IS THIS NIGERIA? WHAT IS WASHINGTON LIKE RIGHTT. NOW?>>IT IS FULL OF ALLIGATORS AND
EVERY TIME YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET YOU GET BIT ON THE ANKLES
AND MAYBE THE ARMS. THEY COME UP AND THEY BITE YOU.>>THAT’S FAIR.>>Stephen: WHAT ARE THE MORE
REDOLENT EXAMPLES–>>MONEY. MONEY. THERE’S SO MUCH MONEY IN
POLITICS. THE MOST MONEY SPENT ON A 2018–
ON A MIDTERM WAS 2018.>>ABOUT $6 BILLION. GO AHEAD, SORRY.>>Stephen: IT’S NOT
NECESSARILY PEOPLE LINING THEIR POCKETS WITH GOVERNMENT
CONTRACTS. IT’S THE POLITICAL INDUSTRIAL
COMPLEX MAKING MONEY OFF THE ELECTIONS.>>YOU TALKED A LOT ABOUT THIS. WE TALKED TO ARIZONA. ONLY 6% OF PEOPLE IN ARIZONARA
HAVE SOLAR POWER AS A DIRECT AMOUNT OF MONEY, THE PERVERSE
AMOUNT OF MONEY FLOODING INTO THE SYSTEM, AND NATURAL GAS, AND
OTHER FORMS, NUCLEAR POWER ARE, THE PREFERRED MODES OF POWERINGA
YOUR HOME IN ARIZONA, DESPITE THE FACT YOU COULD MAKE MONEY ON
YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE OF THE KOKH MONEY.>>TRYING TO STOMP IT. MAY MAKE MONEY OFF OF REGULARE
POWER. THEY DON’T MAKE MONEY OFF OF
SOLAR POWER.>>Stephen: FORGIVE MY
IGNORANCE. HOW EXACTLY DOES THAT WORK IN A
CORRUPT SYSTEM? I AM SOMEONE FROM A PETRO
COMPANY, A PETROLEUM COMPANY, AND I DON’T WANT SOLAR POWER TO
BE BUILT IN ARIZONA. WHAT AM I DOING TO STOP IT?>>YOU’RE FUNDING LOBBYISTS AND
YOU’RE ALSO CONTRIBUTING TO CAMPAIGNS, AND YOU’RE PUTTING
DARK MONEY INTO SUPER PACS, AND THE SUPER PACS SEND OUT ADS. THEY SEND OUT FLIERS, FLOODING
YOUR TELEVISION WITH COMMERCIALS, TELLING YOU, “YOU
DON’T WANT THIS.ON VOTE AGAINST IT.” AND THEY LOBBY ELECTED OFFICIALS
TO VOTE DOWN BILLS.>>IT IS LEGALIZED BRIBERY AND
LEGALIZED MONEY LAUNDERING. AND THAT IS THE SYSTEM THAT
ELECTS THE POLITICIANS TODAY IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. AND THAT’S WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO
TEAR APART.>>THEIR HANDS ARE BEHIND THEIR
BACK. I HAD A REALLY FRANK
CONVERSATION WITH KEN PUCK, REPUBLICAN MEMBER OF THE HOUSEAR
FROM COLORADO. AND HE TOLD ME OFTENTIMES, A LOT
OF THE TIME, PEOPLE DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO GET ANYTHING
DONE.SA LAWMAKERS WOULD RATHER HAVE THE
GRIDLOCK AND SIT THERE AND TALK ABOUT HOW THEY WANT TO GET
SOMETHING DONE, BUT NOT DO ANYTHING, BECAUSE IF THEY DO,
DOING? , THEY RUN THE RISK OF ANGERING
A SPECIAL INTEREST OR BIG DONOR AND THOSE SPECIAL INTERESTS OR
DONORS WILL SPEND MONEY ON GETTING THEM OUT OF OFFICE SO
THEY SIT THERE AND TWIDDLE THEIR THUMBS.>>Stephen: THE FIGHTING
LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE DOING SOMETHING.>>EXACTLY. B
>>Stephen: BUT THEY EMBRACE THE GRIDLOCK FOR CASH.>>IT’S NO SURPRISE PEOPLE DON’T
SHOW UP TO VOTE BECAUSE NOTHING GETS DONE.>>Stephen: THEY WILL IN 2020. DON’T LISTEN TO HIM. WE HAVE TO GO.>>M SO SORRY. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. KATY, JACOB. “AMERICAN SWAMP” AIRS SUNDAYS ON
MSNBC. KATY TUR AND JACOB SOBOROFF,
EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGH BACK.

Jim Gaffigan Turned Down The White House Correspondents’ Dinner


>>Stephen: JAMES GAFFIGAN,
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.>>HOW ARE YOU, SIR?>>Stephen: I’M FINE. I’M ALWAYS IN A GOOD MOOD WHEN I
SEE YOU, PLEASANT COMPANY.>>WELL, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE THAT.>>Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO
HANG OUT SOME TIME?>>YEAH, LET’S HANG OUT. LET’S DO IT.>>Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LOT
OF FREE TIME? YOU’VE GOT THE KIDS ASK THE
WIFE?>>THAT’S WHY I TOUR SO I CAN
GET AWAY FROM MY FAMILY. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN TOURING STAND-UP?>>I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR 2800
YEARS.>>Stephen: OH,.>>NO, I’VE BEEN DOING IT 28
YEARS.>>Stephen: I NEVER DID THE
STAND-UP BUT THERE’S A LOT OF CAMARADERIE BETWEEN STAND-UPS.>>THERE IS.>>Stephen: DID YOU SEE
MICHELLE WOLF’S STUFF AT THE CORRESPONDENTS’ DINNER?>>I DID.>>Stephen: A LOT OF
CONTROVERSY. A LOT OF CONTROVERSY.>>LOOK, FROM A CRAFT
STANDPOINT, WHICH WAS GREAT. THAT’S AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK,
PARTICULARLY WITH A PRESIDENT THAT, YOU KNOW, THERE’S A
DIFFERENT SCANDAL EVERY DAY, A DIFFERENT LAWYER, AND STUFF LIKE
THAT –>>Stephen: PASSIONATE
FEELINGS ON BOTH SIDES.>>WHAT SHE ACCOMPLISHED AS A
COMEDIAN WAS REALLY IMPRESSIVE, BECAUSE THERE ARE GREAT SHOWS
LIKE THIS AND NUMEROUS OTHER ONES THAT I WON’T SAY, THAT DEAL
WITH THIS ON A NIGHTLY BASIS. SO IT’S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE. I MEAN I– YOU KNOW, I DIDN’T
WANT TO DO IT. I WAS ASKED —
>>Stephen: YOU WERE.>>I WAS APPROACHED —
>>Stephen: FOR THIS YEAR?>>WELL, SOME OF IT’S– YEAH. BUT SOME OF IT’S– IT’S NOT MY
WHEELHOUSE. BUT I DO THINK IT’S STRANGE,
BECAUSE WE KNEW THAT, LIKE, HALF THE COUNTRY WAS GOING TO BE
ANGRY. BUT I THINK WHAT IS SURPRISING
FOR ME IS THE PEOPLE ON THE OTHER HALF, YOU KNOW, A SMALL
GROUP THAT WERE UPSET WITH HER PERFORMANCE THAT KIND OF
SURPRISES ME. I MEAN, YOU’VE DONE IT BEFORE.>>Stephen: YEAH, I DID IT 12
YEARS AGO, AND THEY NEVER ASKED ME BACK. ( LAUGHTER ).>>BUT IT’S STRANGE. YOU ASK A COMEDIAN TO PERFORM AT
A THING CALLED “THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS’ DINNER,” THEY’RE
GOING TO TAKE THEIR POINT OF VIEW, AND THEY’RE GOING TO GO
AFTER THE WHITE HOUSE AND THE CORRESPONDENT S.>>Stephen: RIGHT. AND EVERYBODY ACADEMY SHOCKED–
SHOCKED ! — THAT A COMEDIAN WOULD GO IN THERE AND DO JOKES
ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN POWER.>>IT’S STRANGE, AGAIN, IT’S NOT
MY WHEELHOUSE, BUT I FEEL LIKE WE’RE GETTING MORE AND MORE
SENSITIVE AS A COUNTRY. LIKE, I THINK ALMOST– IF THAT
WAS A YEAR AGO, I DON’T KNOW IF PEOPLE WOULD HAVE BEEN FREAK
OUT. IT’S, LIKE, I EVEN SEE IT– YOU
KNOW, I DON’T REALLY DISCUSS TRUMP IN MY STAND-UP, BUT WHEN I
DO SHOWS, EVEN A REFERENCE, I’LL SEE THE AUDIENCE, WHETHER
THEY’RE TRUMP SUPPORTERS OR NOT, THEY’LL KINDS OF LOOK AT THE
CEILING LIKE, “WE DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. WE DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.”>>Stephen: WHEN THEY COME TO
YOUR SHOW THEY WANT TO HEAR YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT ONIONS.>>THEY DO.>>Stephen: WHAT I LOVE ABOUT
YOUR SHOW, AND I WATCH AND LISTEN TO IT WITH MY WHOLE
FAMILY, YOU’RE CAPTURING THE ENTIRE HUMAN EXPERIENCE, WHICH
IS MOSTLY LIKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND YOUR KIDS
AND YOUR FAMILY ASK FOOD.>>YES, FOOD, FOOD. I DEAL WITH THE HARD-HITTING,
YOU KNOW, TOPICS. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: AND YOU’RE CLEAN
IS ANOTHER THING.>>I’M CLEAN. WELL THAT’S (BLEEP) (BLEEP).>>Stephen: YOU ARE CLEAN.>>YOU KNOW, IT’S STRANGE– WHY
YES, OF COURSE I AM CLEAN.>>Stephen: ARE YOU CLEAN IN
YOUR DAILY LIFE? ARE YOU NO POTTY MOUTH?>>I’M A HORRIBLE PERSON.>>Stephen: NOW, WAIT A
SECOND. ARE YOU ACTUALLY A HORRIBLE
PERSON OR ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE NICE PEOPLE WHO IS NICE BECAUSE
THEY’RE CONSTANTLY ACCUSING THEMSELVES OF BEING HORRIBLE, IF
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? CATHOLIC IS A WORD FOR THAT,
CATHOLIC. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ACCUSING THEMSELVES–
>>I LIVE IN POOL OF GUILT, YES. BUT I WOULD SAY THAT, YOU KNOW,
I AM SOMEBODY WHO CAN BE IMPROVING ALL THE TIME. BUT, YOU KNOW, MY STAND-UP, I
THINK COMEDIANS DO WHAT THEY DO, AND THEN THEY GET CRITICISM OR
CREDIT FOR IT AFTERWARDS. SO IT’S LIKE, YOU KNOW, CHRIS
ROCK IS GOING TO DO CHRIS ROCK, OR LEWIS BLACK IS GOING TO DO
LEWIS BLACK, OR MICHELLE WOLF IS GOING TO DO MICHELLE WOLF. THERE’S NOT SOME GRAND SCAM OF,
“I’M GOING TO SAY THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS THING,” OR “I’M GOING
TUKE ABOUT FOOD.” WE DO WHAT WE DO AND THEN GET
CREDIT OR CRITICISM.>>Stephen: ONE STRANGE
THING– IT’S STRANGE TO ME AND MIGHT STRIKE YOU AS ODD– YOU
ARE A PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN, MAN OF THE WORLD, AND YET WHAT YOU
GO OUT AND DO ON STAGE IS CLEANER OFTEN THAN WHAT THE
PRESIDENT SAYS. LIKE THERE ARE DIRTIER JOKES
ATTRIBUTED TO PRESIDENT THAN THERE IS TO JIM GAFFIGAN.>>IT IS TRUE. YOU KNOW, THAT IS TRUE.>>Stephen: YEAH. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S LIKE FINDOUTH THAT YOU’RE OLDER THAN THE PRESIDENT OR
SOMETHING. YOU’RE MORE MATURE THAN THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.>>WELL, I’M– I MEAN, I’M–
MAYBE I’M FATTER THAN HIM, TOO. I DON’T KNOW. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: THERE’S JUST A LOT
TO LOVE, JIM.>>THERE’S A LOT TO LOVE. IT IS WEIRD, BECAUSE I THINK AS
A COMEDIAN, WHETHER IT BE ME OR YOU OR MICHELLE WOLF, I THINK
WHAT PEOPLE DON’T REALIZE IS COMEDIANS ARE JUST LOOKING FOR
THE ADJECTIVE OF “FUNNY.” SO I UNDERSTAND THAT MAYBE MY
COMEDY IS CLEAN, BUT IT’S– PEOPLE THAT ARE COMING TO THE
SHOW ARE NOT SITTING THERE GOING, “I NEED TO NOT HEAR
SOMEONE CURSE FOR AN HOUR.” THEY’RE COMING TO HOPEFULLY HEAR
FUNNY COMEDY.>>Stephen: AND NOT CURSE FOR
AN HOUR.>>AND NOT CURSE FOR AN HOUR.>>Stephen: IF THEY’RE LOOKING
FOR THE FUNNY, THEY’RE IN LUCK. HERE COMES MY SEGUE. YOU HAVE A NEW ALBUM COMING OUT. IT’S CALLED “JIM GAFFIGAN:
NOBLE APE.” IS THERE A VIDEO COMPONENT?>>THERE IS.>>Stephen: WHERE CAN I SEE
THIS?>>IT’S GOING TO BE EVERYWHERE
JULY 13.>>Stephen: OR WE’RE GETTING
YOU ON JUST IN TIME. THE JULY 13 RELEASE. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE NOW.>>IT’S ON PREORDER NOW.>>Stephen:
>>Stephen: LET’S MAKE THIS THING GO PLATINUM ON PREORDER. I LIKE THAT YOU HAVE A VAN GOGH
PORTRAIT OF YOURSELF HERE.>>I ACTUALLY PAINTED THIS
MYSELF.>>Stephen: YOU’RE VERY
TALENTED.>>NO, I DIDN’T, I . “BURY THE ART GUY.” THAT’S WHAT HE GOES BY.>>Stephen: HIS NAME IS NOT,
“BURY THE ART GUY.”>>HE’S GOING TO LOVE THIS– BUT
HE’S A MASTERPIECE.>>Stephen: YOU’RE “JIM THE
JOKE MAN.”>>BUT HE’S AN AMAZING ARTIST. WE STARTED WITH AN IMAGE, AND
THEN I WAS LIKE, ALL RIGHT, LET’S GO FULL VAN GOGH. LET ME SEE. BOTH EARS. JUST CHECKING. JUST CHECKING. THIS COWRITTEN WITH YOUR LOVELY
WIFE. TELL ME YOUR WIFE’S NAME AGAIN.>>JEANIE.>>Stephen: LAST TIME SHE WAS
HERE SHE WAS JUST RECOVERING FROM A BENIGN BRAIN TUMOR. I ASSUME SHE’S DOING WELL.>>SHE’S DOING GREAT, THANK YOU. ( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THAT BEING SAID, YOU CAN’T EYE MEAN, SHE
HAD A TUMOR THE SIZE OF A PEAR IN HER HEAD. YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT REMOVED AND,
YOU KNOW, GO AND BUNGEE JUMPING. YOU KNOW, SO THERE IS SOME
PROGRESS BACK –>>Stephen: REALLY, YOU CAN’T
BUNGEE JUMP.>>YOU CAN’T BUNGEE JUMP, LIKE
THAT’S WHAT SHE WAS DYING TO DO. SHE’S PRETTY AMAZING. HER 80% IS LIKE ME ON MY, YOU
KNOW, MOST ACTIVE DAY. I GO TO A PARENT-TEACHER
CONFERENCE, AND I NEED TO TAKE A DAY OFF, YOU KNOW? ( LAUGHTER )
BUT SHE WAS– IT’S AMAZING. IT’S AN AMAZING– IT’S TRULY A
MIRACLE. YOU KNOW, SHE WAS IN SURGERY FOR
10 HOURS. AND BEFORE THE SURGERY, THE
SURGEON TOLD ME, HE GOES, “HALFWAY THROUGH, I’LL PROBABLY
STOP AND GET LUNCH.” AND I WAS LIKE, I DON’T NEED TO
KNOW THAT. WAS HE AFRAID I WAS GOING TO RUN
INTO HIM IN THE CAFETERIA? ( LAUGHTER )
AND BE LIKE, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!”
BUT HE WAS AN AMAZING SURGEON, BRAIN SURGEON, JOSHUA BETTERSON. WE FOUND OUT LATER ON THAT HE’S
ONE OF THE BEST BRAIN SURGEON EYE DON’T KNOW HOW THEY
DETERMINE THE BEST BRAIN SURGEON. MAYBE THERE’S A COMPETITION. “AMERICA’S GOT TUMORS,” YOU
KNOW. AND KIDDY KLUM’S BODY– HEIDI
KLUM’S BODY WAS THE BEST.>>Stephen: COULD YOU IMAGINE
IF SOMEBODY WAS LIKE, “HE’S A BRAIN SURGEON.” “YEAH, BUT HE’S THE WORST BRAIN
SURGEON.”>>THERE’S A CERTAIN LEVEL OF
PRESSURE THAT A BRAIN SURGEON MUST EXIST WITH THAT WE
WOULDN’T– LIKE, AT NO POINT DURING THEIR DAY CAN THEY TURN
TO SOMEONE AND GO, “HEY, IT AIN’T BRAIN SURGERY.” BECAUSE IT’S ALWAYS BRAIN
SURGERY.>>Stephen: YEAH. JIM, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. ALWAYS GO TO SEE JIM GAFFIGAN. HIS STANDUP SPECIAL “NOBLE APE”
IS OUT JULY 13. BUT ORDER IT NOW. THEY ONLY MADE SO MANY.

The world’s greatest internet troll explains his craft


This guy — the one shrouded in darkness
— he’s the world’s greatest internet troll. “I prefer to call this bringing a banana to
a gunfight.” He leaves notes on broken comment sections
like those on Yahoo, syndicated news sites, and branded Facebook pages. And it works — he
has more than 150,000 fans on Reddit, a 40,000 person strong Facebook page, and it’s all
for leaving…comments. “I’m Ken M — carthy — and I play a well-meaning
moron on the internet.” When it comes to the brain, Ken M says:
“Brain Cells Can Outlive the Body.” “um cells can’t be destroyed, they just get
recycled. The cells we’re made of were once the cells of dinasaurs and before that they
were the cells of a star etc.” “STUPID statement from any world view point.”
“It isn’t stupid, although it isn’t the cells per se, but rather the molecules that make
up the cells. We are all a part of everything. I think it’s kind of beautiful.”
“the very cells in our brains were once the cells of planets, it make us all related”
“‘It isn’t stupid, although it isn’t the cells per se’ says Ophelia THAT IS MY POINT It isn’t
cells, and Ken just continues with his ignorance.” “theres actualy more cells in our brains than
there are brains in our entire body” This is how Ken M practices his craft.
“Calling it a craft? You know I guess I should actually go with it.”
Ken M uses anonymity. This is what Ken M looks like. Or this. Or
this. Or this. His avatars and appearance are anonymous, but we know his name.
“Ken M was the name that I used when I tried to engage with people seriously on Yahoo News
stories. When I slowly realized that it was such a futile effort to try to have like a
rational discourse, I suddenly decided to make it as irrational as possible. It’s literally
my name.” The face, however, is hidden for a reason.
“The people that like what I do have expressed that they have absolutely no interest in seeing
my face. It sort of demystifies the character that they have visualized in their mind. It’s
not as funny if they see that it’s just some late 30s dude with a stupid hat.”
Hey — it’s a nice hat. And Ken’s not a total recluse. We didn’t disguise everything, right?
“Use my mellifluous, chain-smoking voice that I’ve cultivated over many years.”
He was discovered by being consistently funny. “It all happened very organically and accidentally.
Ken M was my username on Yahoo because I am an aging Gen X-er and I actually have a Yahoo
account. It accidentally got noticed by College Humor and Reddit. That is the origin story
of Ken M.” But along with Ken M’s anonymity, the audience
is just as important. Ken M finds collaborators.
“Top Shots of the Week: October 14, 2013” “most restaurants have giant servings of spaghetti
that only consist of a few noodles and that is how they rip off their customers”
“So they rip off their customers with more meat than noodles?”
“no they make extra long spaghetti so they can fill a giant plate with only 2 or 3 noodles”
“The sites that have the most dysfunctional comment communities are the ones that I go
to. Yahoo is interesting to me because these are older people who still for some strange
reason feel compelled to misbehave in this way. Some of these interactions that I have,
it’s like Borscht Belt stuff. I say one thing and somebody’s like, ‘Whaddya mean?’ and then
I drop the punchline. And there’s something so pure about that corny, old-timey joke structure
that I love, and I love the fact that these people don’t know that they’re part of it.”
“The one I’m thinking of is ‘we make our OWN bacon and it is healthier with tastier flavor.’
And then somebody’s like, ‘Whaddya mean?’ And I say, ‘my wife crushes hot dogs with
a rolling pin.'” “It becomes an improv session. I’ve called
it coward’s improv. And if I fail, nobody will know because I’ll just not post it. Sometimes
I’ll have a joke in my back pocket, but when I start with something and somebody sort of
forces me to take it in a different direction, that challenge is really really fun. How to
double down without blowing your cover.” “It’s a funny and endearing surprise when
people try to help me out. When people are goodhearted about my ignorance, it just adds
more color to the interaction, cause it’s unexpected.”
And it’s not just people who play along. Ken M uses brands.
“Another thing I’m really fascinated by is the way brands cynically and smugly pass themselves
off as authentic. These people are unwittingly playing a straight man role. It’s some like
nonsense complaint followed by the brand covering their ass by helping me out in any possible
way that they can. This is not really criticism as much as a hilarious dynamic.”
“i was suppose to get a free sample of your sausage product but they ran out”
“Hi Ken – Thanks for getting in touch. Can you please send us a direct message (located
under our cover photo) with your contact information so we can help?”
“thank you please send the sausage to 3250 Beulah Rd Pensacola FL 32526”
“Hi Ken – Can you send us a direct message? The link to send us a direct message is located
under our cover photo?” “{please put this as a direct msg} well they
were handing out pieces of your sausage at wallmart but they ran out when i was next
in line and some folks took more than 1 piece” “Hi Ken – Can you send through your phone
number, please?Thanks so much!” “Thank You i sent my number but have not received
a call” “Hi Ken – You only provided us with your address.
Can you share your number as well? Thanks so much!”
“Thank You our phone # is a landline so we had to send it to your headquarters in the
regular old mail.” “Hi Ken – We have a package waiting for you
at FedEx in Pensacola, and they need your phone number. Are you able to post it in a
private message so that you can receive it, or can you share it on here? Thank you!”
“THANK YOU I will have my grandson drive me to FedEx this evening after church here is
my social security number” “They mailed me like eight pounds of sausage.
But the funny thing was by the time it go to me, it was rancid. So they won.”
Ken M finds the humor in our tragic internet. “I like — as a writer I’ve always been
driven towards a combination of funny and sad, and I think that the nastiness online
is completely unnecessary but apparently necessary to a lot of people…is the sad part. So if
I can inject hyper-silliness in the service of finding a strange joke, it just became
a cathartic exercise.” “It’s not about highlighting how nasty people
are so much as I find it to be a very funny dynamic.”
“Innocent Idiot Nice Guy Vs. Unnecessarily Hostile Assholes.”
“Inside the Mysterious Underground City That’s 5,000 Years Old”
“today’s archeologists seem hellbent on making discoveries at any cost, leaving nothing for
future generations” “That is quite possibly THE stupidest post
I have ever seen on Yahoo. Congratulations!” “but they are squandering the limited discoveries
left to be unearthed” “Very STUPID comment…”
“they should at least plant new discoveries to replace the ones they harvested”
“And the STUPIDITY continues…” If you’re a Ken M fan, you can find links
to all of his stuff — he posts it – but I wanted to make sure to point out what a
funny songwriter he is. This is just a short sample of a song that he wrote and performed
with that beautiful mellifluous chain-smoking voice:
“The world is run by hypocrites and liars, by greedy turds who want us all to fail. They
shit on our heads and tell us it’s raining candy bars, but still I always knew that I’d
prevail…”

John Mulaney: Trump Is ‘A Horse Loose In A Hospital’


>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY! THANK YOU, JON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO “THE LATE SHOW” ALREADY
IN PROGRESS. FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS
A VERY FUNNY STANDUP COMEDIAN AND A VERY FUNNY ELDERLY STAR OF
“OH, HELLO” ON BROADWAY. PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) NICE TO SEE YA.>>NICE TO SEE YOU.>>Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU?>>NICE TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.>>Stephen: HAVEN’T SEEN YOU
IN A LONG TIME. 2016 WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE
HERE.>>I DID THE SHOW THEN. I’VE SEEN YOU SINCE THEN BUT YOU
DID NOT SEE ME.>>Stephen: WHERE WERE YOU? AND THAT’S DEEPLY CREEPY.>>Stephen: WHERE WERE YOU? I WAS IN YOUR BUSHES. THAT’S A DEEPLY CREEPY WAY TO
START ANY KIND OF SENTENCE.>>Stephen: YOU’VE SEEN ME BUT
I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU.>>I’VE SEEN THE BACK OF YOUR
HEAD.>>Stephen: THAT DOESN’T MAKE
ME FEEL ANY BETTER.>>AND THE BACK OF YOUR WIFE’S
HEAD, LET ME BE CLEAR.>>Stephen: OKAY, GOOD. DO YOU RECALL THE MET GALA AT
THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART?>>Stephen: OH, YEAH, THE
FUNDRAISING THING THEY DO FOR THEIR — YEAH.>>IT’S PROM. YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL WIFE WERE
IN THE LINE AND ME AND MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE WERE RIGHT BEHIND
YOU FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AND I NEVER SAID HELLO.>>Stephen: WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY
HELLO?>>I CHOKED.>>Stephen: I WOULD HAVE LOVED
TO HAVE SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.>>IT BECAME TOO LATE TO SAY
HELLO AT A CERTAIN POINT. I KNEW IT WAS YOU. I WAS, LIKE, IT’S COLBERT. MY WIFE SAID, HI. I SAID, WHAT IF HE TURNS AND
GOES, LIKE, THIS IS REAL LIFE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: I’M TOTALLY BULL (BLEEP) YOU RIGHT NOW BY SAYING
I LIKE YOU.>>SO FRIEN FRIENDLY ON AIR.>>Stephen: RIGHT. BUT WHEN YOU’RE IN THE
EGYPTIAN ROOM AT THE MET, HE TURNS ON YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: I WAS NERVOUS BEHIND THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME
BECAUSE I WAS BEHIND CLAIRE FOY WHO PLAYS IN THE CROWN AND
FELICITY JONES FROM ROGUE ONE, THE TWO OF THEM WERE IN FRONT OF
ME.>>Stephen: DID YOU SAY HI TO
THEM?>>I SAID HI TO CLAIRE FOI
BECAUSE SHE HAD BEEN ON THE COUCH HERE.>>OH, SO YOU DO TALK TO PEOPLE
OFF THE SHOW?>>Stephen: YEAH. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MET
THE TOMORROW? ( LAUGHTER )
I HAD JUST BLOWN IT, TOO. I WAS ALSO IN A STATE. BEFORE I WALKED INTO THE EVENT,
I SAID TO MY WIFE, WHO’S THE ONE PERSON YOU WANT TO MEET? SHE SAID KIM KARDASHIAN. I SAID, GREAT ANSWER. WE WERE IN THE LONG LINE AND I
SAID ARTIST JEFF KOUNTZE. I UH SAID, ANNA, IT’S JEFF
KOUNTZE. AND KIM KARDASHIAN WAS WALKING
THIS WAY AND I SAID THAT, KIM GETS SPOOKED AND KEEPS WATCHING
AND MY WIFE DOUBLES OVER AND IS LAUGHING AND SAID, YOU BLEW IT!>>Stephen: HE SH’S LIKE A
FOREST ANIMAL, YOU HAVE TO GET LIKE IN A BLIND AND WAIT FOR HER
TO COME THROUGH AT DAWN. ( LAUGHTER )
>>SHE GOT AWAY –>>Stephen: SURE. SHE DIDN’T FALL INTO YOUR SNARE? ( LAUGHTER )
>>THIS IS SERIAL KILLER. SHE GOT AWAY, BUT I WON’T BE
FOILED AGAIN, STEPHEN.>>Stephen: WELL, PLEASE SAY
HELLO NEXT TIME.>>I WILL SAY HELLO.>>Stephen: YOU ARE A BUSY MAN
NEXT TIME. YOU’VE GOT SO MUCH GOING ON. YOU’VE GOT A NEW ALBUM OUT,
YOU’VE GOT A NEW TOUR, “OH, HELLO” ON BROADWAY WHICH YOU
INVITED ME TO. THAT IS GOING TO COME OUT ON
NETFLIX.>>SOON, IN A COUPLE OF DAYS. THE ALBUM IS OUT IN A COUPLE OF
DAYS.>>Stephen: YOU’RE A COMEDIAN,
YOU PUT OUT A COMEDY ALBUM, WHY ON VINYL?>>WHY ON VINYL?>>Stephen: IS IT JUST WARMER? I ACTUALLY HAVEN’T SEEN IT
BEFORE IS THAT YOU LITERALLY HAVEN’T SEEN YOUR OWN ALBUM?>>NO, BECAUSE WE HAVE A BUNCH
OF COPIES FOR YOU BUT MY APARTMENT IS TOO SMALL SO I SENT
THEM TO MY FRIEND’S PLACE. THIS IS TO GREAT.>>Stephen: IT’S A MARY TYLER
MOORE THING ON FRONT.>>YEAH, WE MODELED IT AFTER
JAZZ ALBUMS. IT’S A REAL RECORD.>>Stephen: IT’S A REAL
RECORD.>>THAT’S REALLY COOL.>>Stephen: IT’S NOT BEG GARS
BANQUET INSIDE, IT’S ACTUALLY YOUR ALBUM.>>I’M TRYING TO GO BACKWARDS IN
TERMS OF RAIL VANS — SO BROADWAY, VINYL, THEN I’LL SO A
PUPPET SHOW AT ELLIS ISLAND.>>Stephen: FOR THE
IMMIGRANTS.>>FOR THE IMMIGRANTS!>>Stephen: AND THEY’RE, LIKE,
AH, WE’RE GOING TO HEAD BACK TO THE OLD COUNTRY.>>OUR EYES ARE NOT FILLED WITH
WONDER AT YOUR PUPPET SHOW AND THEN I’LL INTRODUCE A DOGGER
TYPE.>>Stephen: I DIDN’T KNOW IT
WAS PRONOUNCED THAT WAY.>>IS IT DIGERA TYPE?>>Stephen: I THINK SO. WELL, EDIT THAT OUT, TOO,
PLEASE.>>Stephen: FOR MY MONOLOGUE. NO, THAT’S JUST AN
EXPRESSION.>>Stephen: THAT’S JUST AN
EXPRESSION.>>THAT’S SHOW BUSINESS TALK.>>Stephen: DO YOU USE SHOW
BUSINESS TALK WITH YOUR WIFE? MY WIFE AND I LIKE TO SAY TO
EACH OTHER, IF ONE OF US IS TRYING TO CHEER UP THE OTHER
ONE, THE OTHER ONE DOESN’T WANT TO BE CHEERED UP, WE SAY THAT’S
NOT PLAYING TO THIS CAMERA.>>THAT IS ULTRA SPECIFIC.>>Stephen: YEAH. DID YOUR WIFE DIRECT THE MIKE
DOUGLAS SHOW OR SOMETHING?>>Stephen: MERV. MERV.>>Stephen: YOU JUST WENT TO
JAPAN, RIGHT?>>YEAH.>>Stephen: WHAT’S THAT LIKE. GOT TO GO TO JAPAN.>>Stephen: FOR BUSINESS OR
PLEASURE?>>JUST FOR PLEASURE AND TO SEE
JAPAN. MY WIFE HAD BEEN BEFORE AND I
HAD NEVER BEEN. I LOVED IT. I AM NOT — I WOULD RATHER IN
LIFE BE POLITE THAN DO ANYTHING. SO, LIKE, IF YOU AND I WERE
WALKING THROUGH A DOORWAY, I WOULD GO LIKE THISSENED AND IF
YOU WENT LIKE THAT, I WOULD GO LIKE THAT, AND IF YOU WENT LIKE
THAT, IT WOULD GO ON FOR AN HOUR. IN JAPAN, THERE’S A SENSE OF
ETIQUETTE THAT SO JIBES WITH ME WHERE, LIKE, YOU WOULD RATHER,
LIKE, JUST CURL UP INTO A BALL THAN EVER OFFEND ANYONE. AND I’M VERY BAD AT WALKING
AROUND THE STREETS AS A HUMAN BEING —
>>Stephen: ANYWHERE OR JAPAN? ANYWHERE, BUT I DID WELL IN
JAPAN BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
I WAS THERE WITH MY WIFE ALL DAY LONG WALKING AROUND BECAUSE I
WANT EVERYONE TO LIKE ME. I ONCE SAID HELLO TO BALLOONS
BECAUSE THEY WERE IN MY PERIPHERAL VISION, I AND I
THOUGHT, BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY, HI! IT WAS BALLOONS. SO WE WENT TO A BEST BUY —
>>Stephen: THEY STILL HAVE THOSE.>>THE GUY SAID, DO YOU HAVE A
BEST BUY REWARDS CARD? I SAID, NO, I WISH! MY WIFE SAID, OH, MY GOD AND
WALKED OVER TO THE PRINTERS AND STOOD FACING AWAY FROM ME. THE GUY SAID, DO YOU WANT A BEST
BUY REWARDS CARD? AND I SAID, NO. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: SO WHEN YOU WERE OVER THERE, DID YOU HAVE TO
EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON IN AMERICA TO THEM?>>THEY HAD SEEN THE NEWS.>>Stephen: THEY HAD SEEN THE
NEWS.>>BUT THEY WERE TRYING TO FEEL
US OUT. THEY WERE, LIKE, SO, ARE YOU
HAPPY WITH RECENT DEVELOPMENTS? ( LAUGHTER )
AND WE WERE, LIKE, NO, WE’RE NOT, YOU KNOW. WE’RE NICE PEOPLE. AND NOT THAT YOU’RE NOT NICE,
YOU KNOW — I’M GOING ON NATIONAL TOUR — NOT THAT YOU’RE
NOT NICE –>>Stephen: YOU JUST DON’T
LIKE NICE PEOPLE.>>WE’RE FUN AND NICE, WE LIKE
DAVID BOWIE AND WE DON’T UNDERSTAND TAXES.>>Stephen: RIGHT. THEY SAID, ARE YOU SAD, ARE
YOU SCARED? I SAID, NO, WE’RE NOT, LIKE,
SAD. I’M AN OPTIMISTIC PERSON ABOUT
IT ALL SO I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT ALL TO THEM THAT, TO ME, IT’S
LIKE THERE’S A HORSE LOOSE IN A HOSPITAL. ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE I THINK EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE OKAY BUT I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT. AND, LIKE, NONE OF YOU KNOW
EITHER. LIKE, WE’VE ALL NEVER NOT KNOWN
TOGETHER AND, SO, ON THE NEWS, THEY’RE, LIKE, WE HAVE A MAN
HERE WHO ONCE SAW A BIRD IN AN AIRPORT. WE’RE, LIKE, GET THE HELL OUT OF
HERE, THIS IS A HORSE LOOSE IN A HOSPITAL, AND WE’RE ALL, LIKE —
( APPLAUSE ) IT’S NOT GOOD.>>Stephen: THERE ARE WORSE
THINGS. BUT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS.>>YES, BUT IT’S CONFUSING.>>Stephen: YES. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE JUST
HAVE TO FOLLOW THE HORSE, AND SOME DAYS IT’S, LIKE, THE HORSE
USED THE ELEVATOR. YOU KNOW THOSE DAYS WHERE
YOU’RE, LIKE, IS THE HORSE SMART? ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN WE’RE ALL JUST, LIKE, WHY HASN’T THE HORSE CATCHER
CAUGHT THE HORSE? AND THE HORSE IS, LIKE, I HAVE
FIRED THE HORSE CATCHER. AND YOU’RE LIKE —
( APPLAUSE ) THAT SHOULDN’T BE A THING!>>Stephen: IS THIS CALLED THE
COMEBACK KID?>>THE COMEBACK KID.>>Stephen: JOHN MULANEY, THE
ALBUM IS THE COMEBACK KID, “OH, HELLO” ON BROADWAY COMES OUT
NEXT TUESDAY ON NETFLIX.