Take A Side, Mr. President: Nazis Or Not Nazis



WE'VE GOT A BIG SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. BIG DAY HERE IN THE BIG APPLE. DONALD TRUMP HAS COME BACK TO
NEW YORK, AND NEW YORKERS WERE REALLY HAPPY TO SEE HIM. >> NEW YORK HATES YOU! ( CLAPPING )
NEW YORK HATES YOU! >> Stephen: NOW, TO BE FAIR,
THAT IS A STANDARD NEW YORK GREETING. YOU MIGHT REMEMBER, IT TOOK
DONALD TRUMP TWO DAYS TO CONDEMN THE WHITE NATIONALISTS AND THE
NEO-NAZIS WHO HELD THAT REALLY DOWN IN CHARLOTTESVILLE. THAT'S WHY. >> Audience: ABOUT OOO. >I KNOW THE FEELING. THAT'S WHY I SENT HIM THIS CARD:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FRESH IRVEG. THAT'S FRESH INK. BUT EVEN THOUGH MANY CRITICIZED
HOW LONG IT TOOK, THE PRESIDENT KNEW THE RIGHT THING WAS TO MAKE
THE STATEMENT MONDAY, BE CLEAR ABOUT WHO WAS TO BLAME, AND THEN
MOVE ON TO THE PEOPLE'S BUSINESS. I'M JUST KIDDING. ( LAUGHTER )
HE HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY IN, I BELIEVE, THE SEVENTH
CIRCLE OF HELL. HERE'S WHAT HE SAID. WHEN ASKED WHY HE WAITED TWO
DAYS TO CONDEMN NEO-NAZIS AND WHITE SUPREMACISTS IN
CHARLOTTESVILLE. >> WHEN I MAKE A STATEMENT I
LIKE TO BE CORRECT. BEFORE I MAKE A STATEMENT, I
NEED TO KNOW THE FACTS. BEFORE I MAKE A STATEMENT, I
NEED THE FACTS. >> Stephen: "OKAY, I NEED THE
FACTS, OKAY. JUST ASK THE MILLIONS OF ILLEGAL
VOTERS WHO REFUSED TO LOOK FOR OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE,
DURING MY RECORD-BREAKING INAUGURATION. OKAY? IT'S ALL ON THE OBAMA WIRETAPS. IT'S ALL THERE, THAT'S WHAT
I'M– CHOOS OF THAT'S WHAT I'M… AND HE WAS STILL VERY ANGRY
ABOUT HOW THE PRESS COVERED HIS INITIAL STATEMENT ON SATURDAY. >> IF THE PRESS WERE NOT FAKE,
AND IF IT WAS HONEST, THE PRESS WOULD'VE SAID WHAT I SAID WAS
VERY NICE. >> Stephen: AND IF YOU WERE A
BETTER PRESIDENT, YOU WOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING VERY NICE. BUT YOU'RE NOT. HYPOTHETICALS ARE FUN! WHO KNOWS? YEAH. ( APPLAUSE )
IF WISHES AND BUTTS WERE CLUSTERS OF NUTS, WE'D ALL HAVE
A BOWL OF GRANOLA. ( APPLAUSE )
AND WHEN THE PRESIDENT WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS EMBATTLED STRATEGIST
STEVE BANNON, HE GAVE HIM HIS VOTE OF… SOMETHING. >> I LIKE HIM. HE'S A GOOD MAN. HE IS NOT A RACIST, I CAN TELL
YOU THAT. >> Stephen: IF THE THIRD THING
— IF THE THIRD THING SOMEONE SAYS ABOUT YOU,
UNPROMPTED, IS "HE IS NOT A RACIST," YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM. "OH, YOU'D LOVE JEFF. HE'S NICE, HE'S GOOD LOOKING. NOT A NECROPHILIAC, I CAN TELL
YOU THAT." BUT– JUST TACK A COLD BATH. LIE STILL. BUT IT KEPT COMING BACK TO
CHARLOTTESVILLE. AND ONCE AGAIN, DONALD TRUMP
WASN'T FULLY SURE WHETHER THE NAZIS SHOULD GET ALL THE BLAME. >> YOU HAD A GROUP ON ONE SIDE,
AND YOU HAD A GROUP ON THE OTHER. BUT THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE. I THINK THERE'S BLAME ON BOTH
SIDES. AND I HAVE NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY DOUBT
ABOUT IT, EITHER. >> Stephen: THE ONLY THING I'M
DOUBTING RIGHT NOW IS WHETHER YOU'RE GOING TO STILL BE
PRESIDENT BY FRIDAY, BECAUSE ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! YOU KNOW, "ONE SIDE HATES
MINORITIES. THE OTHER SIDE HATES PEOPLE WHO
HATE MINORITIES. OKAY, TWO SIDES. ALL RIGHT. IT'S JUST LIKE D-DAY. ALLIES AND THE NAZIS. BUT THERE WAS A LOT OF VIOLENCE
ON BOTH SIDES. RUINED A BEAUTIFUL BEACH." COULD HAVE BEEN A GOLF COURSE. COULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT
SANDTRAB. AND WHEN REPORTERS ASKED ABOUT
THE WHITE SUPREMACIST ALT-RIGHT, TRUMP QUICKLY TURNED THE TABLES. >> WHAT ABOUT THE ALT-LEFT THAT
CAME CHARGING AT, AS YOU SAY, AT THE ALT-RIGHT? DO THEY HAVE ANY SEMBLANCE OF
GUILT? >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, SIR,
THE OPPOSITE OF ALT-RIGHT ISN'T THE ALT-LEFT. IT'S THE "NOT NAZIS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT HE WAS QUICK TO POINT OUT THAT NOT EVERYBODY IN THAT CROWD
WERE NEO-NAZIS. >> ALL OF THESE PEOPLE– EXCUSE
ME. I'VE CONDEMNED NEO-NAZIS. I'VE CONDEMNED MANY DIFFERENT
GROUPS. BUT NOT ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE
NEO-NAZIS, BELIEVE ME. NOT ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE
WHITE SUPREMACISTS. >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. SOME OF THEM WERE ANTI-SEMITES. IT WAS VERY DIVERSE. ( APPLAUSE )
AND TRUMP CHALLENGED THE MEDIA TO BE FAIR. >> TAKE A LOOK. THE NIGHT BEFORE, THEY WERE
THERE TO PROTEST THE TAKING DOWN OF THE STATUTE OF ROBERT E. LEE. NOT ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE
WHITE SUPREMACISTS, BY ANY STRETCH. >> Stephen: OKAY. THE NIGHT BEFORE. LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE NIGHT
BEFORE. YEP, JUST YOUR AVERAGE,
FRIENDLY, CIVIC-MINDED, TORCH- WIELDING MOB. PROBABLY HOLDING THE TORCHES SO
EVERYONE COULD SEE THEM POINT TO ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE THERE. "THERE'S ONE! THERE'S ONE OVER THERE. THERE'S A GOOD GUY. LOOK AT THAT GUY RIGHT THERE,
HE'S A GOOD ONE! HEY!"
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP ALSO POINTED OUT THAT NOT
HONORING THE CONFEDERACY IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE. >> THIS WEEK, IT'S ROBERT E. LEE. I NOTICED THAT STONEWALL
JACKSON IS COMING DOWN. I WONDER, IS IT GEORGE
WASHINGTON NEXT WEEK, AND IS IT THOMAS JEFFERSON THE WEEK AFTER? YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY DO HAVE TO
ASK YOURSELF, WHERE DOES IT STOP? >> Stephen: OKAY. "SELF, WHERE DOES IT STOP?"
I'M GOING TO SAY IT STOPS AT THE PEOPLE WHO TRIED TO DESTROY THE
COUNTRY THAT GEORGE WASHINGTON AND THOMAS JEFFERSON FOUNDED. BUT I'M JUST SPITBALLING. I'M JUST– THAT'S JUST ME. >> Jon: I THINK YOU GOT IT. >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW. LET'S BE FAIR, JON. YOU HAVE TO BE FAIR, JON. >> Jon: NO, THAT'S PRETTY
FAIR. >> Stephen: THEN TRUMP
CONTINUED TO ATTACK– AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING
THIS– GEORGE WASHINGTON. >> GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS A SLAVE
OWNER. WAS GEORGE WASHINGTON A SLAVE
OWNER? >> YES, HE WAS. >> SO WILL GEORGE WASHINGTON NOW
LOSE HIS STATUS? ARE WE GOING TO TAKE DOWN–
EXCUSE ME. ARE WE GOING TO TAKE DOWN– ARE
WE GOING TO TAKE DOWN STATUTES TO GEORGE WASHINGTON? >> Stephen: SPOKEN LIKE A GUY
WHO'S SUSPICIOUSLY WORRIED THAT RACIST PRESIDENTS DON'T GET
STATUES ANYMORE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) "ARE WE GONNA– WHAT DO I? DO I GET ONE? BECAUSE I LOOK–"
AND GEORGE WASHINGTON WASN'T THE ONLY FOUNDING FATHER TRUMP COULD
NAME. >> HOW ABOUT THOMAS JEFFERSON? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THOMAS
JEFFERSON? DO YOU LIKE HIM? >> I DO LOVE HIM. >> OKAY, GOOD. ARE WE GOING TO TAKE DOWN THE
STATUE? BECAUSE HE WAS A MAJOR SLAVE
OWNER. >> Stephen: OH, YEAH, MAJOR
SLAVE OVER. EASILY IN THE TOP-FIVE SLAVE
OWNERS. IT GOES JEFFERSON, WASHINGTON,
MADISON, JABBA THE HUTT, AND IVANKA'S CLOTHING LINE. THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM. ( APPLAUSE )
I THINK– I'M NOT– I THINK SO. I THINK SO. IF I'M WRONG, I'M JOKING,
OBVIOUSLY. AND HE HAD MORE TO SAY ABOUT
JEFFERSON. >> HE WAS A MAJOR SLAVE OWNER. NOW, ARE WE GOING TO TAKE DOWN
HIS STATUTE? SO, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S FINE. YOU'RE CHANGING HISTORY. YOU'RE CHANGING CULTURE. >> Stephen: YEAH, TAKING DOWN A
STATUE IS TOTALLY CHANGING HISTORY. BECAUSE THE MAIN WAY ANYBODY
LEARNS ABOUT HISTORY IS THROUGH STATUE-BASED STUDY. THAT'S HOW WE KNOW THAT ABRAHAM
LINCOLN WAS 20 FEET TALL AND LOVED SITTING DOWN. THAT'S REALLY ALL HE DID. THAT'S ALL HE WAS KNOWN FOR. ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S MY LINCOLN. THAT'S MY LINCOLN. AND TRUMP– OH, LORD HELP OUR
COUNTRY. TRUMP HAD THIS DEFENSE OF
THE WHITE NATIONALISTS PROTESTING IN CHARLOTTESVILLE. >> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW,
THEY HAD A PERMIT. THE OTHER GROUP DIDN'T HAVE A
PERMIT. >> Stephen: COME ON, FOLKS. YOU GOTTA GIVE IT TO THE
NAUGHTIES — THEY ALWAYS DO THEIR PAPERWORK. VERY PUNCTUAL. ALSO VERY PUNCTUAL. BUT TRUMP ALSO REMINDED US ABOUT
THE TRUE SOURCE OF RACISM IN THIS COUNTRY: BARACK OBAMA. >> RACE RELATIONS IN AMERICA, DO
YOU THINK THINGS HAVE GOTTEN WORSE OR BETTER SINCE YOU'VE
COME INTO OFFICE? >> LOOK, THEY'VE BEEN FRAYED FOR
A LONG TIME, AND YOU CAN ASK PRESIDENT OBAMA ABOUT THAT. >> Stephen: "YEAH IT WAS A
MISS. BACK THEN I REMEMBER THERE WAS
ONE SUPER-RACIST GUY WHO KEPT QUESTIONING WHETHER OBAMA WAS
EVEN BORN HERE. IT WAS A TERRIBLE TIME. ( APPLAUSE )
BUT IT'S JUST WRONG– IT'S–" BUT TRUMP PROVED THAT HE HAD A
PERSONAL INVESTMENT IN CHARLOTTESVILLE– LITERALLY. >> I OWN ACTUALLY ONE OF THE
LARGEST WINERIES IN THE UNITED STATES. IT'S IN CHARLOTTESVILLE. >> Stephen: IT IS NOT ONE OF
THE BIGGEST WINERIES IN THE UNITED STATES, THOUGH HE IS ONE
OF THE BIGGEST WHINERS IN THE UNITED STATES. IT'S POSSIBLE. HE IS IN THE–
( APPLAUSE ) NOW REMEMBER LAST WEEK– WAS IT
JUST LAST WEEK. LAST WEEK WE ALL THAT
GENERAL KELLY WAS GOING TO BRING SOME ORDER TO THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION? DOESN'T THAT FEEL QUAINT NOW? "YEAH, SURE, THERE'S A BULL IN
THE CHINA SHOP, BUT IT'LL BE FINE. WE JUST HIRED A NEW CHINA SHOP
MANAGER." AND GENERAL KELLY WAS THERE TO
WITNESS THE WHOLE THING, SEEN HERE, OVERWHELMED WITH PRIDE. THIS GUY IS A FOUR-STAR GENERAL. IRAQ, NO PROBLEM. AFGHANISTAN, WE CAN DO IT. 20-MINUTE TRUMP PRESS
CONFERENCE? A QUAGMIRE FROM WHICH OUR
COUNTRY WILL NEVER EMERGE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE– I DON'T… AND
HERE'S THE THING– DID NOT GET GREAT REVIEWS. IT DID NOT GET GREAT REVIEWS. DAVID DUKE LIKED IT. PRETTY MUCH NOBODY ELSE LIKED
THIS PRESS CONFERENCE. AND HIS STAR WAS VERY QUICK TO
THROW THE PRESIDENT UNDER THE BUS. THEY WERE IN DAMAGE CONTROL
IMMEDIATELY WITH ONE AIDE TELLING REPORTERS, "THAT WAS ALL
HIM. THIS WASN'T OUR PLAN." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH, OURS EITHER. BUT THEY'RE RIGHT. IT WASN'T THEIR PLAN. AND WE KNOW THIS FOR A FACT–
AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE– BECAUSE THEIR PLAN WAS A BRIEF,
WRITTEN STATEMENT, AND WE GOT AN ACTUAL GLIMPSE OF IT WHEN TRUMP
PULLED IT OUT OF HIS POCKET. AND IT SAYS– CAN WE ZOOM IN–
IT SAYS… NOW, TRUMP NEVER READ THIS STATEMENT. BUT "THE LATE SHOW'S"" COMPUTER
FORENSIC LAB HAS ENHANCED– HAS ENHANCED THE IMAGE, HAS MANAGED
TO RECONSTRUCT THE OTHER HALF OF THE PAGE. IT RESIDENT:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S ACTUALLY– THAT'S WHAT I
WAS GOING TO SAY. IT'S WHAT HE WAS GOING TO SAY. >> Jon: WE FIGURED THAT OUT. >> Stephen: HE SHOULD HAVE
JUST STUCK WITH THE PLAN. THAT'S ACTUALLY MUCH MORE
COHERENT THAN WHAT HE ACTUALLY SAID. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. DANIEL CRAIG IS HERE.

How About That Democratic Debate?



ANYONE WATCH THE DEMOCRATIC
DEBATE LAST NIGHT? ME TOO. ME, TOO. ME, TOO. IT WAS DIFFERENT. THE REPUBLICAN DEBATES HAVE BEEN
FILLED WITH DRAMA, BUT LAST NIGHT, NOTHING REALLY OUTRAGEOUS
HAPPENED. THERE WERE NO PERSONAL ATTACKS,
NO SALTY LANGUAGE– EXCEPT FROM THE BACK WALL, WHICH FOR SOME
REASON KEPT REPEATING "FCNN." I DON'T SEE WHY. I THINK THEY DID A FINE JOB. I THINK CNN DID A FINE JOB. THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE. IT WAS MOSTLY THE USUAL
DEMOCRATIC TALKING POINTS: TAX THE RICH, FREE COLLEGE. ONCE-A-MONTH BAGEL DAY WILL BE
DOUGHNUT DAY. AND NO SURPRISE, THE SENATOR
FROM VERMONT STAYED TRUE TO HIS CORE MESSAGE. >> IT IS IMMORAL AND WRONG THAT
THE TOP 0.1% IN THIS COUNTRY OWN ALMOST 90%, ALMOST AS MUCH
WEALTH AS THE BOTTOM 90%. 57% OF ALL NEW INCOME IS GOING
TO THE TOP 1%. 1%. 51%. 36%. 90%. 80%. 63%. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I WOULD NOT WANT TO SPLIT A CHECK WITH BERNIE
SANDERS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"WHAT IS THIS? 5% OF THE PEOPLE AT THIS TABLE
ARE PAYING 40% OF THE TIP, WHICH SHOULD BE 15%, 20% FOR GOOD
SERVICE, OR 18.5% FOR A PARTY OF SIX OR MORE. I'M TIRED OF THE GREAT MAJORITY
OF SELTZER DRINKERS FOOTING THE BILL FOR A SMALL NUMBER OF
MIMOSA DRINKERS! YES, I DID TAKE A BITE OF THE
FRUIT PLATE, BUT I WAS ON THE RECORD AGAINST ORDERING IT. THE POINT IS, THIS BRUNCH IS
RIGGED! THIS BRUNCH IS RIGGED!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOTTA MOP UP AFTER THAT
IMPRESSION. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IT WAS SECRETARY HILLARY CLINTON WHO HAD THE MOST QUOTED
MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, AND EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE IT CAME OUT OF
BERNIE SANDERS' MOUTH. IS
>> LET ME SAY SOMETHING THAT MAY NOT BE GREAT POLITICS, AND THAT
IS THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT
YOUR DAMN EMAILS. >> THANK YOU. ME TOO. ME TOO. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOUR DEBATE WAS PRETTY UNEVENTFUL WHEN THE
BANNER HEADLINE THE NEXT DAY IS "ELDERLY MAN NOT INTERESTED IN
E-MAIL." ( APPLAUSE )
MIX 'EM UP! BUT THAT WASN'T THE ONLY GOOD
MOMENT FOR SECRETARY CLINTON LAST NIGHT. SHE ALSO HAD SOME TOUGH TALK FOR
WALL STREET. >> I REPRESENTED WALL STREET AS
A SENATOR FROM NEW YORK, AND I WENT TO WALL STREET IN DECEMBER
OF 2007 BEFORE THE BIG CRASH THAT WE HAD, AND I BASICALLY
SAID CUT IT OUT. >> Stephen: YEAH! BACK IN 2007, BEFORE THE BIG
CRASH, SHE SAID, "CUT IT OUT! I'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF
YOU COLLAPSING THE ECONOMY, MISTER! STOP IT RIGHT NOW OR YOU'RE
GOING TO BED WITHOUT ANY COCAINE." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY? NO, I'M– NO! NO! NO! NO! OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE A LITTLE
COCAINE." AND HILLARY'S BIG NIGHT CLEARLY
PLEASED HER BIGGEST FAN, POTENTIAL FUTURE FIRST LADY'S
MAN, BILL CLINTON, WHO TWEETED THIS PHOTO OF HIMSELF WATCHING
THE DEBATE IN HIS VEGAS HOTEL ROOM, WHICH WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE
OF HIM, AND ALSO ABSOLUTE PROOF THAT HE SPENT ALL NIGHT IN
THAT ROOM WATCHING CNN ALONE, CERTAINLY NOT OUT ON THE VEGAS
STRIP AND DEFINITELY NOT WITH WHOEVER TOOK THAT PICTURE. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THE NIGHT WASN'T ALL SUBSTANCE. THERE WERE ALSO THESE GUYS,
LIKE FORMER VIRGINIA SENATOR AND MAN HOLDING IN A BURP,
JIM WEBB. ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS– A GOOD MAN, GOOD MAN. THIS WAS A CANDIDATE WHO REALLY
DEMANDED ATTENTION. >> PEOPLE ARE GOING BACK AND
FORTH HERE FOR TEN MINUTES HERE. I'VE BEEN STANDING OVER HERE FOR
TEN MINUTES TRYING. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR TEN
MINUTES. I WILL SAY THIS–
>> YOU'RE OVER YOUR TIME. >> WELL, YOU'VE LET A LOT OF
PEOPLE GO OVER THEIR TIME. THIS HASN'T BEEN EQUAL, EQUAL
TIME. >> Stephen: A POWERFUL MESSAGE. I CAN ALREADY SEE HIS NEW
SLOGAN: "JIM WEBB: LEADERSHIP FOR A
BRIGHTER– HOLD ON A MINUTE. I THOUGHT I HAD MORE SPACE. THIS ISN'T FAIR. THE OTHER CANDIDATES ALL HAD
MUCH BIGGER YARD SIGNS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THE GUY ON STAGE THAT I REALLY FELT BAD FOR WAS
RHODE ISLAND GOVERNOR AND WINNER OF THE "WHY I SHOULD BE IN THIS
DEBATE" HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY CONTEST, LINCOLN CHAFFEE. HE DIDN'T GET ASKED TOO MANY
QUESTIONS, AND WHEN HE DID, IT LOOKED LIKE THIS. >> GOVERNOR CHAFEE, YOU'VE
ATTACKED SECRETARY CLINTON FOR BEING TOO CLOSE TO WALL STREET
BANKS. IN 1999, YOU VOTED FOR THE VERY
BILL THAT MADE BANKS BIGGER. >> THE GLASS-STEAGALL WAS MY
VERY FIRST VOTE. I HAD JUST ARRIVED. MY DAD DIED IN OFFICE. I WAS APPOINTED TO OFFICE. >> ARE YOU SAYING YOU DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT YOU WERE VOTING FOR? >> I JUST ARRIVED IN THE SENATE. I THINK WE GET SOME TAKEOVERS,
AND THAT WAS ONE. IT WAS MY VERY FIRST VOTE, AND
IT WAS 95– 92.5– >> WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, WHAT
DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOU THAT YOU'RE CASTING A VOTE FOR
SOMETHING YOU WEREN'T REALLY SURE ABOUT? >> I THINK YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE
ROUGH. I JUST ARRIVED AT THE UNITED
STATES SENATE. >> Stephen: "C'MON, ANDERSON
COOPER. YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE ROUGH ON
LINC HERE. HE JUST ARRIVED IN THE UNITED
STATES SENATE. YOU KNOW THE OTHER SENATORS WERE
GIVING HIM SWIRLIES AND RUNNING HIM THROUGH THE SPANKING
MACHINE. HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I MEAN, JIMINY CHRISTMAS, STOP
GIVING HIM THE BUSINESS. WHY DON'T YOU ASK JIM WEBB
SOMETHING. HE HASN'T TALKED IN, LIKE, TEN
MINUTES!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STILL, IT WAS AN EXCITING NIGHT FOR THESE GUYS. AFTER ALL, COME NOVEMBER, ONE OF
THEM COULD END UP VOTING FOR PRESIDENT.

Trump Begged Mexico's President To Lie



SPEAKING OF THE END OF THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION — ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) WERE WE TALKING ABOUT THAT? I CAN'T REMEMBER. I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE
BEGINNING OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION? SEVEN MONTHS AGO, SOMETHING LIKE
THAT. JIM, DO WE HAVE A PICTURE OF
WHAT I LOOKED LIKE BACK THEN? THERE YOU GO. YEAH. YOU'LL RECALL THAT IN THE FIRST
WEEK, BACK WHEN WE WERE GIVING HIM A CHANCE, TRUMP WAS CALLING
ALL THE WORLD LEADERS, YOU KNOW, GETTING TO KNOW THEM. "HI, HELLO. HI. MY NAME IS DONALD. I LIKE TO EAT STEAK. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? HELLO? HELLO?"
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
TWO OF THE CALLS WERE WITH THE PRESIDENT OF MEXICO AND THE
PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA. RUMOR IS, THE CALLS DID NOT GO
WELL. FIRST, TRUMP TALKED TO MEXICAN
PRESIDENT ENRIQUE PEÑA NIETO AND, WENT HE GOT OFF THE PHONE,
SAID, "GREAT NEWS, THEY'RE PAYING FOR THE WALL." BUT PEÑA NIETO SAID, "QUE ESTAS
HABLANDO, WILLIS?" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERING ) >> Jon: WHAT YOU TALKING
ABOUT, WILLIS? >> Stephen: WILLIS KNOW
SPANISH? ( LAUGHTER )
SO, WHO DO YOU BELIEVE? THE GUY WHO DENIED IT? OR THE GUY WHO WAS LYING? THERE WAS NO WAY TO KNOW– UNTIL
THIS MORNING, WHEN THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUBLISHED FULL
TRANSCRIPTS OF TRUMP'S CALLS WITH THE LEADERS OF MEXICO AND
AUSTRALIA. OKAY? MEXICO AND AUSTRALIA. OR AS TRUMP REFERS TO THEM, "BAD
HOMBRESTAN" AND "KOALA LAMPUR." ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) THAT'S WHERE THAT IS, RIGHT? NOW, THESE TRANSCRIPTS SHOULD
NOT HAVE BEEN LEAKED. THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING THE
PRESIDENT CAN SAY TO OTHER WORLD LEADERS WHERE HE CAN SPEAK
FRANKLY OR NOTHING CAN GET DONE. SO BAD LEAKER, SHOULDN'T HAVE
DONE IT. BUT YOU DID, SO LET'S JUST KEEP
GOING. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, WITH MEXICAN PRESIDENT PEÑA NIETO, TRUMP SHOWED THAT HE
REALLY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THE WALL, SAYING, "BELIEVE IT OR
NOT, THIS IS THE LEAST IMPORTANT THING WE ARE TALKING ABOUT." OH, I BELIEVE IT. BECAUSE PEÑA NIETO SAID THIS:
"MY POSITION HAS BEEN AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE VERY FIRM, SAYING
THAT MEXICO CANNOT PAY FOR THAT WALL." "BUT YOU CANNOT SAY THAT TO THE
PRESS. THE PRESS IS GOING TO GO WITH
THAT AND I CANNOT LIVE WITH THAT. YOU CANNOT SAY THAT TO THE
PRESS." ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
NO, LISTEN — "HERE'S WHAT YOU DO. JUST LIE TO THEM AND, LATER WHEN
YOU'RE CAUGHT, CALL IT FAKE NEWS. IT WORKS." ( LAUGHTER )
THEN, TRUMP TRIED TO CONVINCE PEÑA NIETO THAT THE WALL WAS HIS
PROBLEM TOO. "THE FACT IS WE ARE BOTH IN A
LITTLE BIT OF A POLITICAL BIND BECAUSE I HAVE TO HAVE MEXICO
PAY FOR THE WALL– I HAVE TO." ( LAUGHTER )
YES, THEY WERE BOTH IN A BIND. TRUMP NEEDS MEXICO TO PAY FOR
THE WALL, AND PEÑA NIETO NEEDS TO GET HIS ENTIRE STAFF IN HERE
QUICK TO LISTEN TO THIS. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) SAY IT AGAIN! ( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP STARTING TALKING
SMACK ABOUT AMERICA: "I WON NEW HAMPSHIRE BECAUSE NEW HAMPSHIRE
IS A DRUG-INFESTED DEN." ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
NO, NO, LISTEN! YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE IT TO HIM. IT'S RIGHT THERE ON THE WELCOME
SIGN — WELCOME TO NEW HAMPSHIRE: A
DRUG-INFESTED DEN. ( LAUGHTER )
HEY, DONALD, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! IT'S LIKE BEING A PARENT. YOU HAVE TO LOVE ALL THE STATES
EQUALLY, EVEN IF ONE OF THEM IS ERIC. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND NEW HAMPSHIRE? WHY? I DON'T — IN SUMMATION, HE
LIED — AGAIN. THE NEXT DAY TRUMP HAD A CALL
WITH AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER AND GUY EXPLAINING THE REVERSE
TOILET WATER THING FOR THE LAST DAMN TIME, MALCOLM TURNBULL. AT THE TIME, PEOPLE SAID TRUMP
LASHED OUT AT THE AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER ON THE PHONE
CALL. TRUMP VEHEMENTLY DENIED THIS
STORY: "WE HAD A GREAT TELEPHONE CALL. YOU GUYS EXAGGERATED THAT CALL. THAT WAS A BIG EXAGGERATION. WE'RE NOT BABIES." ( LAUGHTER )
"NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME. I'VE GOT A LOAD IN MY PANTS. REINCE, IT'S BOOM-BOOM TIME." ( LAUGHTER )
ROUGH RIFF COME ON. WARM IT UP. WARM IT. WARM UP THE WIPES. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT NOW WE HAVE A TRANSCRIPT OF THAT CALL AND… HE LIED AGAIN. BECAUSE TRUMP WAS REALLY UPSET
ON THE PHONE CALL ABOUT A DEAL PRESIDENT OBAMA MADE ABOUT
ACCEPTING REFUGEES WHO WERE WAITING IN AUSTRALIA, SAYING,
"MALCOLM, WHY IS THIS SO IMPORTANT? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME. I AM THE WORLD'S GREATEST PERSON
THAT DOES NOT WANT TO LET PEOPLE INTO THE COUNTRY." ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
WAIT, HOLD ON — I'D BOO, TOO, BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT HE'S
SAYING. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IS HE THE WORLD'S GREATEST
PERSON, BUT HE DOESN'T WANT THEM HERE? OR IS HE THE WORLD'S GREATEST
PERSON AT KEEPING THEM OUT? OR IS THAT JUST HOW TRUMP
DESCRIBES HIMSELF, NO MATTER WHAT HE'S DOING? "HELLO, DOMINOS. I AM THE WORLD'S GREATEST
PERSON, WHO WOULD LIKE A MEDIUM PEPPERONI." THANK YOU
( LAUGHTER ) GREATEST. ( PIANO RIFF )
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP EXPRESSED IN NO UNCERTAIN
TERMS WHY HE DIDN'T WANT THEIR DAMN REFUGEES. "I HATE TAKING THESE PEOPLE. I GUARANTEE YOU THEY ARE BAD. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO BE
WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO GO ON TO WORK FOR THE LOCAL MILK PEOPLE." ( LAUGHTER )
( BOOING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
LOCAL. MILK. PEOPLE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: IS THAT A BAND? >> Stephen: IS THAT THE NAME
OF A BAND? >> Jon: YEAH, I THINK SO. >> Stephen: LOCAL MILK PEOPLE? >> Jon: LOCAL MILK PEOPLE. >> Stephen: "WE ARE THE LOCAL
MILK PEOPLE! THANK YOU, CHICAGO!"
OR ARE THEY A RACE OF "STAR TREK" ALIENS? "WE ARE THE MILK PEOPLE OF
CREAMOLON FIVE. MAY THE KURDS BE WITH YOU." ( LAUGHTER )
COME WITH US INTO THE CAVE — FOR SOMEONE WHO TALKS CONSTAN
ABOUT REPRESENTING THE FORGOTTEN MEN AND WOMEN, HE CAN'T EVEN
REMEMBER THE JOB "DAIRY FARMER." ( LAUGHTER )
"I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THE FORGOTTEN AMERICANS. I WILL PROTECT THE SMALL TOWN
JOBS OF THE MILK PEOPLE AND THE UNDERGROUND-SHOVELLING-
ELECTRICITY FOLKS, AND THE MAKE-THE-CORN-NOT-BE-ON-THE-
PLANT-BUT-IN-MY-MOUTH GUYS!" ( LAUGHTER )
I LOVE THOSE GUYS — ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THEN HIGH-ENERGY DON, ONE WEEK
INTO HIS PRESIDENCY, JUST GIVES UP. "I HAVE HAD IT. I HAVE BEEN MAKING THESE CALLS
ALL DAY, AND THIS IS THE MOST UNPLEASANT CALL ALL DAY. PUTIN WAS A PLEASANT CALL." ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
"I GOTTA TELL YA, PUTIN WAS SO EASY. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO DIAL. I JUST PICKED UP THE PHONE AND
HE WAS LISTENING."

Obama Urges Democrats To Call GOP Health Plan 'Trumpcare'



WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. I'LL TELL YOU, WITH A GREETING
LIKE THAT, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO RUN IN 2020. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, MAN. MY HEART IS THUMPING. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S FROM
RUNNING OUT HERE OR STANDING NEXT T TO KATE BECKINSALE. WHAT'S GOING ON? BIG NEWS FROM CAPITOL HILL. TODAY VICE PRESIDENT-ELECT MIKE
PENCE MET WITH CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS TO TALK ABOUT
REPEALING OBAMACARE. ACCORDING TO SOME REPUBLICAN
CONGRESSMEN, "THE REPEAL
MEETING." TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, MAKE THE
POOR SELF-MEDICATE! GOOOOOO (BLEEP) YOURSELVES!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY, GUESS WHO ELSE WAS ON
CAPITOL HILL? PRESIDENT OBAMA STOPPED BY TO
MEET WITH DEMOCRATS, TO RALLY THEM TO DEFEND OBAMACARE. HERE'S OBAMA ROLLING IN WITH HIS
CREW INCLUDING SCARLETT McREDBOOT, CONGRESSIONAL
COWGIRL! ACCORDING TO SOURCES, OBAMA
URGED DEMOCRATS NOT TO RESCUE REPUBLICANS BY HELPING THEM PASS
REPLACEMENT MEASURES. DON'T HELP THEM FIX OBAMACARE OR
CHANGE IT OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. THAT'S IN THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH:
FIRST, DO NO HARM. SECOND, HOPE THE OTHER DOCTOR
KILLS THE PATIENT. THEY GET BLAMED AND, IN TWO
YEARS, YOU REGAIN CONTROL OF THE HOSPITAL. OBAMA ALSO SUGGESTED THAT
DEMOCRATS START REFERRING TO THE G.O.P.'S NEW PLAN AS
TRUMPCARE. >> Jon: WOW. >> Stephen: THAT WILL SHOW
HIM. BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING
DONALD TRUMP HATES, IT'S PUTTING HIS NAME ON THINGS. IT'S GOING TO STING. SPEAKING OF WHOM, WE'RE A LITTLE
OVER TWO WEEKS FROM TRUMP'S INAUGURATION. TYPICALLY– I KNOW, I'M
EXCITING, TOO. TYPICALLY, YOU'VE GOT A BUNCH OF
STARS THERE AT THE INAUGURATION TO PERFORM FOR THE NEW
PRESIDENT. REAGAN HAD FRANK SINATRA,
CLINTON HAD FLEETWOOD MAC, GEORGE W. HAD RICKY MARTIN,
OBAMA HAD BEYONCE. SO, OBVIOUSLY, FOR TRUMP,
EVERYBODY WHO'S ANYBODY IS GOING TO BE THERE, EXCEPT FOR ANYBODY. BECAUSE HE'S HAVING A WEE BIT OF
TROUBLE GETTING FAMOUS ACTS TO PERFORM. BUT THIS WEEK IT WAS ANNOUNCED
PROUD TO HAVE THE CAISSON PLATOON, HOME OF THE ARMY'S
OLDEST AND MOST FAMOUS HORSE, BLACK JACK. OKAY, OLD HORSE. THAT'S A CROWD PLEASER. KIDS LOVE OLD HORSES. THIS IS EXCITING. NOW, BEFORE YOU DROP A BUNDLE ON
STUBHUB TO GET TICKETS, YOU
MIGHT WANT TO KNOW THAT IN ADDITION TO BEING THE ARMY'S
OLDEST AND MOST FAMOUS HORSE, BLACK JACK HAS BEEN DEAD
FOR 40 YEARS. NOOOOO! WHY DO THE OLDEST HORSES ALWAYS
DIE SO YOUNG! AND TRUMP'S EVEN HAVING TROUBLE
WITH SOME OF THE ALIVE ACTS THAT HE'S BOOKED. TURNS OUT THE MORMON TABERNACLE
CHOIR IS SCHEDULED TO PERFORM– ONE FAN OF THE MORMON TABERNACLE
CHOIR HERE. I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS FOR MY
ONE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR-HEAD. OVER THE WEEKEND, A CHOIR MEMBER
RESIGNED BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO PERFORM FOR TRUMP. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS A DISASTER. I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO LISTEN TO
THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR WITH ONLY 359 MEMBERS? ( LAUGHTER )
OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY, NOW THE CHOIR NEEDS TO FILL THAT EMPTY
SPOT WITH A MORMON WHO HAS FREE TIME AND CAN SING. LET'S SEE, WHO COULD THEY
FIND? ♪ WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WHO? WHO? ♪
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, TRUMP HAS A JOB FOR MITT AFTER ALL. IT'S NOT A PLACE IN THE CABINET,
BUT IT'S PROMINENT. YOU KNOW WHO'S DEFINITELY GOING
TO BE AT THE INAUGARAL? BILL AND HILLARY CLINTON WILL
ATTEND. I THINK THAT'S VERY NICE THAT
SHE'S BEING A GRACIOUS LOSER. AND IF YOU COUNT THE POPULAR
VOTE, A GRACIOUS WINNER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
, OF COURSE,, OF COURSE, IT MAKES– DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, IT MAKES SENSE THAT BILL CLINTON WOULD BE THERE. FORMER PRESIDENTS TRADITIONALLY
ATTEND THE INAUGURATION, AND THE NEXT DAY, A 200,000-WOMAN MARCH
WILL TAKE PLACE ON THE WASHINGTON MALL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THERE IS NO WAY BILL'S GOING TO MISS THAT. "200-THOU. I LIKE THOSE ODDS." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I WANT THEM TO LOWER ME. "I WANT THEM TO LOWER ME DOWN
LIKE A PORK CHOP IN A PIRANHA PIT." ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, ONE LITTLE SHADOW HANGING OVER THE INAUGARATION IS
THE WHOLE "RUSSIA CHOSE OUR PRESIDENT" THING. OUR ENTIRE INTELLIGENCE
COMMUNITY SAYS THAT RUSSIA HACKED CLINTON'S CAMPAIGN BUT
TRUMP DOESN'T BUY IT. AND LAST NIGHT HE TWEETED, "THE
INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING ON SO-CALLED RUSSIAN HACKING WAS
DELAYED UNTIL FRIDAY. PERHAPS MORE TIME NEEDED TO
BUILD A CASE. VERY STRANGE!"
( LAUGHTER ) YES, I AGREE, VERY STRANGE. FOR THE FUTURE COMMANDER IN
CHIEF TO USE SARCASTIC QUOTATIONS ABOUT THE
INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES HE WILL RELY ON. MR. TRUMP, YOU'RE NOT AN
OUTSIDER ANYMORE SHOOTING SPITBALLS FROM THE SIDELINES,
RIGHT? IN TWO WEEKS YOU'LL BE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO– YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET
FACTS FROM YOUR INTELLIGENCE SERVICES TO KEEP ENEMIES FROM
KILLING US ALL. ( LAUGHTER )
AAAHHH. STILL, IT IS SUSPICIOUS THAT
THERE'S BEEN THIS MYSTERIOUS DELAY OF THE INTELLIGENCE
MEETING. I MEAN, WHY WAIT TILL FRIDAY? POSSIBLYBECAUSE THE INTELLIGENCE
MEETING WAS ALWAYS SCHEDULED FOR FRIDAY. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S AN INTERESTING FACT. YOU KNOW WHERE TRUMP COULD HAVE
LEARNED THAT? FROM AN INTELLIGENCE MEETING. INSTEAD, TRUMP HAS DECIDED TO
TRUST INTELLIGENCE FROM A MORE RELIABLE SOURCE: WIKILEAKS
FOUNDER AND HOBO ANDERSON COOPER, JULIAN ASSANGE. ( LAUGHTER )
AFTER WATCHING ASSANGE ON FOX NEWS, TRUMP TWEETED, "JULIAN
ASSANGE SAID A 14-YEAR-OLD COULD HAVE HACKED A PODESTA. AND THAT'S NOT EASY. WE KNOW THAT'S NOT EASY. MOST 14-YEAR-OLDS SURF THE
INTERNET WITH JUST ONE HAND. SPEAKING OF TRUMP'S TWITTER–
WHICH WE WILL BE SPEAK ABOUT FOR YEARS NOW– EVEN THOUGH TRUMP
HAS 18 MILLION FOLLOWERS, HE ONLY FOLLOWS 42 ACCOUNTS. HE DOESN'T EVEN FOLLOW BARACK
OBAMA– AND HE'S LITERALLY ABOUT TO FOLLOW BARACK OBAMA! BUT THIS WEEKEND, TRUMP FOLLOWED
SOMEBODY NEW ON TWITTER: THIS IS
TRUE. "EMERGENCY KITTENS," A TWITTER
ACCOUNT DEVOTED TO ADORABLE CATS. THE FEED FEATURES CUTE KITTY
PHOTOS AND MEMES, LIKE THIS ONE THAT SAYS "YOU WIN AT LIFE IF
YOU CAT CUDDLES WITH YOU." THAT MUST BE STRANGE FOR TRUMP
TO SEE– I MEAN, A MAN BEING GRABBED BY A PUSSY. IT'S SO UNUSUAL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH! OH! OOOOH! >> Stephen: ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY? >> Jon: MAN, YOU PUT THAT OUT
THERE, DIDN'T YOU? >> Stephen: YOU DON'T PUT IT
OUT THERE, THEY WON'T PUT IT IN THERE. BUT STILL… ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S GOOD! OKAY. WE'LL SEE IF THAT MAKES AIR. DON'T KNOW WHAT CBS IS GOING TO
DO. BUT STILL, I THINK WE'VE GOT A
REAL OPPORTUNITY HERE. I SAY WE NEED TO CREATE A
TWITTER ACCOUNT WITH ACTUAL EMERGENCY KITTENS, ADORABLE CATS
WITH VITAL INFORMATION FOR THE NEW PRESIDENT, LIKE, "GLOBAL
WARMING COULD MAKE OCEAN LEVELS RISE UP TO TWO FEET BY THE END
OF THE CENTURY? I'M FELINE SCARED!"
OR "A NUCLEAR ARMED NORTH KOREA COULD BE A THREAT TO GLOBAL
STABILITY. AND THAT'S FUR REAL!"
OR, "THE NOR-MEWL-IZATION OF WHITE SU-PURRR-MECISTS IS
PAW-SIBLY A CAT-ASTROPHIC RISE OF THE FURRED REICH!"
YOU'RE WELCOME. YOU'RE WELCOME. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. KATE BECKINSALE IS HERE. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL HAVE
BREAKING NEWS FROM A 104 YEARS AGO. STICK AROUND.