How Jay Leno Changed the Politics of Late Night



when I started hosting marijuana was illegal and you can smoke cigarettes any place you wanted I believe he did the greatest monologue ever and I think it was because of his political sensibility and the worst thing about losing this job I'm no longer cover NBC I'd have to sign up for Obamacare after 22 years as the host of The Tonight Show Jay Leno said goodbye to late night though he was no favorite of TV critics Leno held the top ratings spot for over two decades after succeeding the legendary Johnny Carson recent TV sat down with longtime Leno producer Dave Berg author of the book behind the curtain an insider's look at Jay Leno's Tonight Show to discuss lenez legacy of elevating politics and late-night talk Johnny Carson who of course is a legend the greatest there ever was he set the bar very high for all of us however Johnnie emphasized entertainers on his show I'm not saying he didn't have politico's from time to time he did but the emphasis was on entertainers well the strategy that we used to kind of expand and maybe get better ratings was to move beyond entertainers and I think that this is what distinguished Jay not only in the guests that he chose I mean basically we had every major presidential candidate from 1996 on but also in his monologue which he expanded it from Johnnie's with seven minutes and Jay expanded his to 14 minutes and added a lot of political humor he set the pace I believe he did the greatest monologue ever and I think it was because of his political Sensibility you talked about having presidential candidates the you guys were actually the first to get a sitting president when you had President Obama on can you talk a little bit about the story of how that happened five years before he became president I was watching him speak at the Democratic convention in Boston and that was in 2004 Kerry was the the Democratic candidate that year and and I had never heard of this unknown political Illinois and I thought oh my gosh this guy is the best speak I have seen since Ronald Reagan I'm not talking politics here I'm just talking about the ability to communicate and I was very impressed and the next day I started calling on his people to express an interest in getting him on the show now we did finally land him on the show as as an author the the audacity of hope' when he was a presidential candidate so when he did finally agree to appear as a president he had already been on he had already had a trust yet and it kind of a chemistry with Jay but nevertheless when he decided to appear on the show on his 59th day in office that was amazing because no other president had ever appeared on a late-night show it was actually considered unpresidential that was a huge moment and you know looking back at that why do you think it took so long for that to happen I mean do you think that politicians are kind of afraid of going on platforms like that because they're afraid of being made fun of I do and as I always told the political people actually we're much easier I'm not saying Jay didn't ask tough questions he did he certainly did but we weren't Meet the Press and Jays attitude about guests is he believed that that it was a family environment at the Tonight Show and and he actually acted as though guests were like guests in his house so he always said I'm not going to throw you a curve ball you don't have to worry I'm I will ask you a tough question I'll ask you this I'll ask you that but he never never asked gotcha questions so we were actually easier than Meet the Press it never seemed like he was really accepted among you know the comedic elite and here he is now he's going to get the Mark Twain humor award at the Kennedy Center this fall what do you think is so misunderstood about his success I think that the critics the Television Critics basically early on starting when Jay took over from Johnny Carson early on they said this guy doesn't have the chops he doesn't have what Johnny Carson has and by the way he's not cut from the same fabric as David Letterman it is so much more edgy and they are the ones that basically set the tone for for how J was perceived among if I may use the word among elitist not among the folks who live in the flyover States those wonderful flyover States but among the elitist who felt that J's humor was much too milquetoast actually I think J's approach was was exactly what it should be what you want to do is you want to tell jokes that appeal to a broad band of viewers we weren't narrowcasting we were trying to reach a wide group of people and I think J did that very successfully and I think the Mark Twain award is justification finally J gets the credit that he deserves and a lot of people you know would always try to tie a political label to him but you know because we have more of a libertarian audience do you think kind of that independent streak that he was more working-class he worked really hard I know you talked a lot about his work ethic in the book do you think that kind of came through the fact that he was just a little bit more independent and that's maybe why he broke through to such a larger audience I definitely do and again I think you could see it in his monologue jokes I think that resonated with people I really do the fact is in the last you know two three years none of the other late night hosts were doing Obama jokes well Jay felt well J happens to like President Obama but his feeling was you got to go after who's ever in power and he alone was doing jokes about Obama for a long time finally when Obamacare you know became the disaster that it was at least for a while the other host started following soon do you think that his willingness cuz I see it now with Kimmel yeah and a little bit with Fallon and Letterman they've kind of followed suit but do you think that that is kind of one of his main legacies as far as you know being an equal opportunity offender oh my gosh yes I mean I really think that distinguishes him and and yes if I understand your question properly there doesn't seem to be a healthy skepticism of those in power and that concerns me because late night is so influential especially among younger people I think yeah and you know there's also kind of this I guess you can call it a PC movement going on where you've seen a lot of comedians lately having to you know apologize for jokes do you how do you think that affects the material right or did it really come into play when he was crafting his monologue that was a big problem and I have to say that among the the comedy writers and comedians whether they were liberal a conservative they hate PC they do not like political correctness because that restricts them in their job and that was very damaging and it hurt a lot of jokes we had to sort of water down some of the jokes everybody did and and I think everyone suffers as a result you're you're missing SATA you're missing good satire when you look at who's out there now you have Kimmel you have Letterman as stepping down you have Colbert coming in now and now you have Jimmy Fallon who do you see kind of emerging as as that standard bearer of being the top dog I actually am a Jimmy Fallon guy and I like Jimmy Kimmel they're both really good I watched them both but Jimmy Fallon when he took over for Jay honestly I did not want to like him I didn't like the fact that Jay was you know being let go when he was doing so well but when I started watching a Fallon on a regular basis he won me over and I like him because he continues with that really positive upbeat attitude that that Jay represented and he has brought kind of a new perspective he has redefined late-night on his own terms now it's about comedy bits it's about performance the guests get involved they want to get involved Jimmy gets involved because he's so talented and he has done very well I would go so far as to call him the king of late-night he's going to be the guy to be that's my feeling

Hungry For Power Games: Democratic National Convention Edition



WELCOME BACK TO OUR LIVE
COVERAGE — IF WE CAN CALL IT THAT, OF THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL
CONVENTION. WHY NOT? NOBODY'S GOING TO SUE ME. ALL RIGHT. TODAY, THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL
CONVHED WITH IN-FIGHTING OVER THOSE LEAKE
EMAILS AND THE RESIGNATION OF DEBBIE WASSEAN SCHULTZ. T KNOW WAS MORE
OF THAT TODAY. WHY DIDN'T THEY DEAL WITH ALL
THAT YESTERDAY? WELL, MIGHT HAVE BEEN MY FAULT. (LAUGHTER)
TRUTH BE TOLD, YESTERDAY I WENT DOWN TO PHILLY
TO BASK IN THE COMING CONFLICT. IT'S A BLOODSPORT. IT'S LIKE THE "HUNGER GAMES." NO, IT'S WORSE. IT'S! >> AUDIENCE: HUNGRY FOR POWER
GAMES! >> STEPHEN: CALIGULA, WE HAVE
ARRIVED AT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION. FINALLY, A CHANCE FOR HILLARY
CLINTON TO PROVE TO THE BERNIE DELEGATES THAT SHE IS NOT A
PUPPET OF THE BIG BANKS. AND WHAT BETTER PLACE THAN THE
WELLS FARGO ARENA! OOOH, DELICIOUS, LETS GO! >> S
DESCENDING INTO THE LOWER INTESTINAL TRACT OF THE
T NOW,E ALL OF THEIR IDEALS WILL EVENTUAL
FORM OF A VIABLE C HAHA, IT PAINTS A PICTURE! N.C., ALLYLES ARE WELCOME, BE IT
AY, STRAIGHT, OR PAIN IN THEASS. (LAU
THE OF THE CONCESSIONVER FIND BERNIE SANDERS HERE! HAHA, WORD PLAY! HERE WE ARE AT THE ALL-GENDER
BE YOU FEMALE, MALE, OR WHATEVER THESE SYMBOL
I DON'T KNOW, SEE ME. OH YES, WE HAV
BEHIND ME YOU SEE THE PODIUM UPON WHICH HILLARY CLINTON WILL
BE CROWNED THE NOMINEE OH! SMELL THAT, THE AIR IS
WITH BERNIE'S CRUSHED DREAMS, ITS LIKE A… MUSK HANGING IN
THE AIR. I'M SORRY, THAT'S CALIGULA. HE'S GETTING A BIT GAMEY. LETS GET HIM IN THE
REFRIGERATOR, PLEASE? (LAUGHTER)
HERE AT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION, THE RUGS ARE ALL
BLUE. SO YOU'LL NOTICE THE CARPET DOES
MATCH THE DRAPES, AND MY PUBIC HAIR! ITS BRIGHT BLUE! I'M REALLY QUITE CONCERNED. (LAUGHTER)
OH, THE ACOUSTICS ARE WONDERFUL IN HERE! "LOCK HER UP, LOCK HER UP!"
OH, THEY'RE GOOD! OH, THAT REALLY RINGS! OH, THAT REALLY RINGS! JAKE, JAKE, YOU MIGHT KNOW, HAVE
YOU SEEN CHUCK TODD? >> NOT TODAY. >> STEPHEN: YOU HAVE NOT SEEN
HIM?GOATEE DID NOT CALL MY WEASEL BACK, AFTER THEY GOT IT
ON AT THE CONVENTION LAST WEEK. OH YES, THEY H
AFTER PARTY. >> CHUCK'S GOATEE HAS A
REPUTATION. >> STEPHEN: OH, ITS GOT A MIND
OF ITS OWN. OH! LET'S GET A PREVIEW OF HILLARY'S
SPEECH– "THIS IS A SAMPLE OF THE FONT AND SIZE OF THE TEXT. THIS IS A SAMPLE OF THE FONT AND
SIZE OF THE TEXT." AND THEY SAY SHE'S ROBOTIC. I DON'T UNDERSTAND! (LAUGHTER)
ALL RIGHT, CALIGULA, GET THE SCENT– GET THE SCENT… AND,
GO! FIND THE EMAILS! (LAUGHTER)
THE ONE THINFT TO DO WAS THE ONE THING THE DEMOCRATS REALLY
DIDN'T WAN: MOUNT THE CROWNED. PODIUM PASS. PASS, EXCUSE ME, THAN THANK YOU. I'M JUST WALKING, I'M NOT GOING
ON, S A PODIUM PASS. T STOP ME NOW. CAN'T GO ON, SIR. NO,
>> Stephen: MY A PODIUMT STOP ME NOW. THERE HAD TO BE MORE THA
>> I'M SO SORRY, SIR. >> STEPHEN: WHAT IF MY WEASEL
JUST WENT ON AND I DIDN'T? I'LL LEAVE, IF YOU JUST LET THE
WEASEL ON.HE WEASEL. WHAT COULD THE WEASEL HURT? THAT ONE DOWN THERE, SHE'S THE
DECISION-MAKER. SOMEONE LOOKED AT HER– SHE'S
THE DECISION-MAKER. SHE HAS THE POWER OF LIFE AND
DEATH OVER ME RIGHT NOW. PLEASE? PLEASE, I HAVE A PODIUM PASS. YOU SHOULD ALLOW ME ON THE
PODIUM, ALL RIGHT? PLEASE! I BEG YOU! I'M SOMEONE'S LITTLE BOY. IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM TO
GO ON THE DEMOCRATIC PODIUM'S STAGE, WHATEVER YOU CALL IT. I KNEW IT WAS TIME TO BRING IN
THE BIG GUNS. YES, SPEAKER PELOSI PLEASE. HI, NANCY, YES. I NEED SOME HELP GETTING ON THE
PODIUM. NO, NO, BRING THE KIDS, IT WILL
BE FUN. NO, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KEEP
YOU OFF. ALL RIGHT, GREAT, THANKS! NANCY. MAY I CALL YOU NANCY? >> YOU MAY CALL ME NANCY. >> Stephen: I NEED YOU TO
COME ON!ME WEIGHT AROUND. DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
PODIUM. ♪
LET'S GO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. >> NO, MR. COLBERT, YOU'RE
GOING ON THE STAGE. >>
TOGETHER. >> SHE ONES? >> Stephen: YES. THEY'RE GOING TO GO. >> Stephen: BUT I
WE'LL ALL GO TOGETHER. >> YOU'RE N TO ON THE
STAGE. >> Stephen: SO CLOSE, YET S
FAR A OKAY IF I GO ON THE PODIUM? >> NOPE. >> Stephen: OKAY. ♪ OH, SAY CAN SEE ♪
♪ BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT ♪ ♪ WHAT SO WE HAIL ♪
♪ AT THE TWILIGHT'S LAST GLEAMING SHOW THE WHOSE BROAD
STRIPES AND BRIGHT STARS ♪ ♪ THROUGH THE PERILOUS FIGHT ♪
♪ OR THE RAMPARTS WE WATCH ♪ ♪ WERE SO GALLANTLY STREAMING ♪
♪ AND THE ROCKETS' RED GLARE ♪ ♪ THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR ♪
♪ GAVE PROOF THROUGH THE NIGHT ♪ ♪ THAT OUR FLAG WAS STILL
THERE ♪ ♪ OH, SAY DOES THAT
STAR-SPANGLED BANNER YET WAVE ♪ ♪ OR THE LAND OF THE FREE AND
HE HOME OF THE BRAVE ♪ GO ON THE PODIUM NOW? >> NOPE. >> STEPHEN: RESIGNED TO MYE,
I DECIDED TO GO HOME. SHORT CBS PROMO FTHE AFFILIATES. HELLO CBS AFFILIATES, IT'S
JULIUS FLICKERMAN, LIVE FROM THE D.N.C. ALL WEE
THE "LATE SHOW." LET'S GO TO THE PODIUM. IT'LL BE FUN, COME ON. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: THANK YOU! HAVE A GREAT WEEK! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY! GOD BLESS AMERICA! GOD BLESS FREEDOM! GOD BLESS FREEDOM OF THE PRESS! GOD BLESS THE DEMOCRATIC
NATIONAL COMMITTEE! GOD BLESS PODIUMS! HA HA! HA HA! I'M NOT ONE TO GLOAT, BUT, I
WON! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: HEY! YEAH! THE STAGE, GO TOW OF ME CHARGING
FACEBOOK.COM/COLBERTLATESHOW. BE RIGHT BACK WITH ALLISON
JANNEY. STICK AROUND.

Trump Eats “Hamberders” While Government Remains Shut Down



I TELL YOU WHAT, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR COMING TO VISIT US IN NOT-SO-SUNNY LOS ANGELES. IT'S BEEN RAINING HERE FOR TWO DAYS NOW. IT RAIN PED YESTERDAY, AND THEN THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED, IT RAINED AGAIN TODAY. I'M THINKING ABOUT SUING THE SKY. TODAY IS THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY OF THE MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON. TEN YEARS AGO TODAY, CAPTAIN SULLY SULLENBERGER LANDED THE PLANE SAFELY IN THE RIVER AND EVERYONE GOT OFF SAFELY. IF THIS HAPPENED TODAY, YOU KNOW TRUMP WOULD HAVE BLAMED AMERICA. THEY PROBABLY NEVER IMAGINED THAT TEN YEARS LATER, THE HOST OF CELEBRITY APRESENT TIGS PRENT FORCING THEM TO HAVE A YARD SALE. THERE'S STILL NO END IN SIGHT. WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO A LITTLE SOMETHING TO HELP THOSE WHO AREN'T GETTING PAYCHECKS. SO EVERY NIGHT WE'VE BEEN GIVING JOBS AT THE SHOW TO ONE OF THE 800,000 FEDERAL WORKERS OUT OF WORK. TONIGHT WE ARE GIVING WORK TO TWO FEDERAL WORKERS, THEY ARE A MARRIED COUPLE. PLEASE WELCOME MICHELLE AND FERNANDO. TELL EVERYONE HERE WHERE YOU WORK OR WORKED, I GET. >> WE WORK FOR THE IRS AS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVES. . >> Jimmy: IRS CUSTOMER, SUDDENLY THEY'RE HAPPY THAT YOU'RE OUT OF WOURK. DO YOU GET A DISCOUNT ON YOUR TAXES? DO YOU FILE A JOINT RETURN? IS THAT WISE? >> YES, IT'S WISE. >> Jimmy: IF YOU AREN'T AT WORK, DOES THAT MEAN FEWER PEOPLE ARE GETTING AUDITED BY THE IRS? >> I'M NOT ABLE TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION. >> Jimmy: ARE YOU ABLE TO ANSWER THIS? DO YOU HAVE ANY DEPEND ENTSS, CHILDREN. >> YES. >> Jimmy: I HEARD YOU WERE GOING ON VACATION, TO FRESNO BUT YOU WEREN'T ABLE TO GO BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVE YOUR PAYCHECKS, WE CALLED AND THEY ARE GIVING YOU TICKETS TO BOTH THE PARKS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THERE YOU GO, WE'RE LASS GALSO G TO GIVE YOU A JOB TONIGHT. THIS IS NOT A HANDOUT SITUATION, YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR THIS. SO TED DANSON IS ON THE SHOW, AND ONE OF AMERICA'S MOST BELOVED ACTORS. BUT THIS IS SAD. TED DANSON DOESN'T HAVE AN ENTOURAGE. HE HAS NO PEOPLE. COME ON OUT HERE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HI, TED. THANK YOU FOR, SO TED, WHY DON'T, YOU'RE A BIG STAR, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE AN ENTOURAGE? >> I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE. I JUST NEVER COULD FIND THE RIGHT PEOPLE. >> Jimmy: GREAT NEWS, I GOT THE RIGHT PEOPLE FOR YOU RIGHT HERE. >> HERE WE ARE. >> Jimmy: MICHELLE AND FERNANDO. >> GO WITH TED AND FOLLOW HIM AROUND ANG AND AGREE WITH EVERYTHING HE SAYS. >> COULD WE GO OUTSIDE? I JUST LOVE IT WHEN IT RAINS. >> WE DO TOO! >> Jimmy: EVERYBODY'S A WINNER HERE. >> JIMMY, I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI TO GUILLERMO, I LOVE GUILLERMO. >> WE LOVE GUILLERMO, TOO! >> OKAY. OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME. >> Jimmy: OPEN THE DOOR FOR TED, THERE YOU GO. THAT'S HOW IT GOES. PERFECT. [ APPLAUSE ] YOU KNOW, ONE REAL NEGATIVE EFFECT OF THE SHUTDOWN, LONG NUMBERS AT THE AIRPORT. TSA WORKERS HAVE BEEN CALLING IN SICK. MORE THAN TWICE AS USUAL MISSED THEIR SHIFTS YESTERDAY OPTING TO STAY HOME AND FRISK THEIR FAMILIES I GUESS. BUT THIS IS THE LINE IN ATLANTA YESTERDAY. AND SOMEBODY SHOT THIS VIDEO AND PLACED IT ONLINE. THIS IS THE LINE BEFORE THE TSA LINE. IT'S SO LOCHKNG IT GOES ALL THE THROUGH THE AIRPORT, OUTSIDE, INTO THE DESERT. YOU SEE, IT STRETCHES ALL THE WAY TO INDIA, OKAY? SO THIS IS A REAL, THIS IS A REAL INCONVENIENCE. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT? I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHEN THE SHUTDOWN IS OVER AND THE TSA AGENTS COME BACK TO WORK EXTRA FIRED UP TO SEARCH US BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A WHILE. YOU GOT TO PROTECT YOUR CAVITIES, FOLKS. THE FEDERAL WORKERS ARE GOING, DONALD TRUMP MADE HISTORY, THE FIRST U.S. PRESIDENT EVER TO CONGRATULATE HIMSELF ON PLACING A FAST FOOD ORDER. HE TWEETED, GREAT BE BEING WITH THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONS CLEMSON TIGERS. BECAUSE OF THE SHUTDOWN I FED THEM MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FOOD, I PAID, OVER 1,000 HAMBURGERS, ET CETERA. THAT'S RIGHT. HAMBURGERS. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? THE E AND THE U AREN'T EVEN NEAR EACH OTHER ON THE KEYBOARD. IT'S LIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF TWEETING HE HAD A STROKE OR SOMETHING. OR, IS IT POSSIBLE HE THOUGHT THEY WERE CALLED HAMBURGERS UNTIL TODAY? HE TOOK THE TWEET DOWN AND CORRECTED IT, BUT NOT BEFORE HE GOT TROLLED BY AMONG OTHER PEOPLE, BURGER KING. DUE TO A LARGE ORDER YESTERDAY, WE ARE OUT OF HAMBERDERS TODAY. PUT THE TWEET UP AGAIN FOR A SECOND. I'M NOT SURE WHAT I LOVE MOST ABOUT THIS, THE FACT THAT HE WRITES HAMBERDERS OR "I PAID". THE TWEET SAID IT WAS OVER 1,000 HAMBURGERS, BUT THE SOURCE INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE CLAIMS THE NUMBER OF BURGERS WAS MUCH LOWER THAN THAT. >> WE HAVE PIZZAS, WE HAVE 300 HAMBURGERS. >> Jimmy: HE HAS TO LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING. HE CAN'T HELP IT. OR MAYBE HE'S THE OTHER 700 HAMBURGERS HIMSELF. THE OSCAR NOMINATIONS DON'T COME OUT UNTIL NEXT WEEK. BULL AS F BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED WE ALREADY HAVE THE BEST PICTURE. THIS, TO ME, IS THE BEST PICTURE OF THE YEAR. [ APPLAUSE ] THE HAPPIEST HE'S BEEN SINCE KIM KARDASHIAN VISITED. THIS IS IMAGE YOU SEE WHEN YOU TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD IN "BIRD BOX BOX." IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S A SUPER VILLAIN WHO SET UP A TRAP TO CATCH HIMSELF. BUT YOU CAN'T EXPECT HIM IT TO K HOW TO SPELL HAMBURGERS. WE WENT OUT ON THE STREET TO SEE IF WE COULD FIND ANYONE WHO COULD SPELL IT. ♪ ♪ >> HI THERE. SPELL HAMBURGERS. >> CAPITAL H, LOWERCASE A, M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. >> HAMBURGERS? H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S? >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. >> H-A-M-B-U-R-E-R-S? >> NO! >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S? >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S? >> HAMBURGERS, OKAY, H-A-M-B-U-G-E-U-E-R-S. >> THAT WAS WORSE. >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S? >> PICTURE A HAMBURGER IN YOUR HEAD. >> THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING. H-A-M-B-U — NO, E-R-G-U-E-R-S? >> NO. >> NOWHERE CLOSE? >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-U-S? >> NO. >> M-AH-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. >> START FROM THE TOP. >> OKAY. H-A-M. B-U-R-G-U-E? >> H-A-M-B-U-R-G-E-R-S. >> HOW ABOUT HOT DOG? >> HOT DOG IS AN EASY ONE. H-O-T-D-O-G. >> ALL RIGHT, CLOSE ENOUGH. [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: MEANWHILE IN THE SENATE, DAY ONE OF TWO-DAY CONFIRMATION HEARINGS FOR WILLIAM B WILLIAM BARR. HE SAID MUELLER SHOULD BE ABLE TO CLEAT OMPLETE HIS WORK AND WI NOT LET PERSONAL OPINIONS INFLUENCE THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION. >> WOULD YOU SAY YOU HAVE A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH MR. MUELLER? >> I WOULD SAY WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS. >> WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND HIM TO BE A FAIR-MINDED PERSON? >> ABSOLUTELY. >> DO YOU TRUST HIM TO BE FAIR TO THE PRESIDENT AND THE COUNTRY AS A WHOLE? >> YES. >> WHEN HIS REPORT COMES TO YOU, WILL YOU SHARE WITH US AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE? >> CONSISTENT WITH REGULATIONS AND THE LAW, YES. >> DO YOU BELIEVE MR. MUELLER WOULD BE INVOLVED IN A WITCH HUNT AGAINST ANYBODY? >> I DON'T BELIEVE MR. MUELLER WOULD BE INVOLVED IN A WITCH HUNT. JO >> Jimmy: WE'LL SEE. ALL WE KNOW IS IN THE MOVIE HE'LL BE PLAYED BY JOHN GOODMAN. OVER THE SUMMER HE WROTE A LETTER UNSOLICITED TO ROD ROSENSTEIN SHARPLY CRITICIZING THE INVESTIGATION. AND NOW WE FIND OUT HE'S CLOSE FRIEND OF ROBERT MUELLER. WHAT IF BACK WHEN IT WAS OBVIOUS TRUMP WAS GOING TO FIRE SESSIONS HE WON'T TO HIS BUDDY AND SAID I NEED AN ATTORNEY GENERAL I CAN COUNT ON. YOU WRITE A LETTER, SEND IT TO ROSENSTEIN AND LET ME HAVE IT. SAY ANYTHING YOU WANT ABOUT ME. HE'LL SHOW IT TO THE PRESIDENT. THE PRESIDENT WILL NOMINATE YOU AND WILL NAIL THIS GUY.
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT IF

Jimmy Kimmel's FULL INTERVIEW with President George W. Bush



RESUME-WISE, BUT HE IS ALSO A PAINTER WITH A NEW BOOK OF STORIES AND ART CALLED "PORTRAITS OF COURAGE: A COMMANDER IN CHIEF'S TRIBUTE TO AMERICA'S WARRIORS." PLEASE WELCOME THE 43rd PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, GEORGE W. BUSH! ♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU? THANK YOU FOR COMING. I WAS JUST TOLD, I WAS TOLD MOMENTS AGO THAT YOU REQUESTED A LITTLE MEETING WITH JERMAIGUILL BEFORE THE SHOW. >> DONDE ESTA GUILLERMO. >> Jimmy: HE'S OVER THERE. AND YOU SPOKE IN SPANISH BEFORE THE SHOW. HOW WAS HIS SPANISH, GUILLERMO? >> PERFECTO. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHEN YOUR VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY, WHEN HE SHOT THAT GUY IN THE FACE, HOW DID HE TELL YOU? DID HE COME IN AND CLOSE THE DOOR? HOW DID THAT GO DOWN? >> WHAT REALLY IRRITATED ME ABOUT THAT, HE SHOT THE ONLY TRIAL LAWYER FOR ME IN TEXAS. >> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT. THE GUY WAS A LAWYER. >> IT WAS AN UNUSUAL PERIOD. >> Jimmy: I WOULD IMAGINE SO. DID IT EVER SEEM FUNNY AT ALL TO YOU? >> WELL, EVERY TIME CHENEY WOULD COME IN, A LOT OF PEOPLE YELLED "DUCK"! >> Jimmy: SO YOU GUYS HAD FUN WITH IT? >> I DID. >> Jimmy: OR IN THIS CASE, QUAIL. >> IT NNOT BAD. >> Jimmy: AND YOU LIVED IN L.A. WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE KID FOR A TIME. >> YEAH, I DID. >> Jimmy: AND THERE'S A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU. YOU LIVED IN COMPTON, IN THE HEART OF L.A. FOR REAL, THAT'S NOT A JOKE. WHEN WAS THIS? >> I WAS 3. >> Jimmy: 3 YEARS OLD. >> YEAH, MY DAD WAS SELLING OIL FIELD SUPPLIES. WE ALSO LIVED IN BAKERSFIELD. >> Jimmy: YOU HAVE THE GUN POINTED. I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL THAT YOU MAY HAVE BEEN THE INSPIRATION FOR OTHER COMPTON RESIDENTS. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] I FEEL LIKE MAYBE YOU MIGHT BE THE W. FROM NWA. HOW ARE YOUR PARENTS DOING, BY THE WAY? >> THANK YOU FOR ASKING. THEY'RE DOING GREAT. >> Jimmy: I BET PEOPLE ARE ASKING THAT ALL THE TIME. >> YEAH. YOU KNOW, WHEN HE CAME OUT TO FLIP THE COIN AT THE SUPER BOWL, IT WAS A VERY JOYFUL MOMENT. >> Jimmy: I WOULD IMAGINE SO. I THINK IT WAS FOR THE WHOLE COUNTRY REALLY TO SEE HIM DOING THAT. >> YEAH, HE'S A GREAT GUY. >> Jimmy: I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL MAYBE HE WAS FAKING IT A LITTLE BIT JUST SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO THE INAUGURATION. YES? [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] HE'S NO DUMMY. >> HE'S A FUNNY MAN. >> Jimmy: THAT WASN'T A JOKE. [ LAUGHTER ] DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME YOU WERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE? >> I DO. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS. 1969, I HAD A DATE WITH TRISHA NIXON. >> Jimmy: WITH PRESIDENT NIXON'S DAUGHTER? >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? >> IT WAS AN ARRANGED DATE. >> Jimmy: BY WHOM? >> MY DAD. >> Jimmy: OH, REALLY? WOW. >> YEAH, IT WAS INTERESTING. >> Jimmy: SO DO YOU PULL UP TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND SAY — >> IN A PURPLE GREMLIN. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHERE DID YOU TAKE HER? >> I TOOK HER TO A DINNER WITH — MY DAD HAD A DINNER FOR FRANK BORMAN, WHO WAS AN ASTRONAUT FRIEND OF HIS FROM HOUSTON. SO I TOOK HER TO THE DINNER. >> Jimmy: SO IT WAS A GROUP DINNER? >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: YOU GO ON A DATE WITH THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER. AND YOU WOULD KNOW THIS FROM YOUR OWN DAUGHTERS. DOES THE SECRET SERVICE COME? >> YES, THEY DO. >> Jimmy: THAT'S THE GREATEST THING ABOUT BEING PRESIDENT. >> UNLESS YOU'RE DATING THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER. >> Jimmy: THEN IT'S NOT SO GOOD. AND I ASSUME IT DIDN'T WORK OUT WITH TRISHIA, OR WE WOULD KNOW. THAT'S AN UNBELIEVABLE STORY. >> GLAD TO SHARE IT WITH YOU. >> Jimmy: ALEC BALDWIN WAS HERE LAST NIGHT. HE PLAYS DONALD TRUMP ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." HAVE YOU SEEN HIM DO THAT? >> NO. >> Jimmy: I HAPPENED TO CHAT WITH WILL FERRELL ON THE PHONE TODAY. HE DID YOU, VERY FAMOUSLY ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." >> WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING TERRIBLE? >> I HAD DINNER WITH LORNE MICHAELS AND HE CAME UP WITH STRATEGERIE. AND I SAID, WAIT A MINUTE, I SAID STRATEGERIE. AND HE SAID, NO, YOU DIDN'T SAY STRATEGERIE. I SAID, I DAMN SURE DID. I SAID, LET ME ASK YOU THIS, DID HE COME UP WITH MISUNDERESTIMATE? [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WHO DOES THE BEST IMITATION OF YOU? >> A GUY WHO'S NOW DEAD. >> Jimmy: OH, REALLY? >> YEAH, SADLY. STEVE BRIDGES. >> Jimmy: DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIS DEATH? >> I HOPE NOT. A GUY NAMED BRIBDGES. HE WAS VERY, VERY FUNNY. GOOGLE IT. >> Jimmy: I WILL. >> SO I DID A WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER, AND BRIDGES AND I CAME OUT TOGETHER, AND I WOULD SAY SOMETHING AND THEN BRIDGES WOULD SAY, YOU KNOW, KINDA, THIS IS WHAT HE REALLY MEANT. IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY. >> Jimmy: DID YOU ENJOY DOING THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNERS? >> YEAH. I WORKED WITH A GUY LANDON PARMAN, HE WAS A VERY FUNNY GUY. I LOVE HUMOR, AND THE BEST HUMOR IS WHEN YOU MAKE FUN OF YOURSELF. >> Jimmy: TELL THAT TO THE PRESIDENT. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] HE DOESN'T THINK SO. WHEN YOU WERE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, DID YOU WATCH TELEVISION? WAS THAT PART OF YOUR DAY? >> I ONLY WATCHED THIS GUY, KIMMEL. UH, NO. >> Jimmy: YOU NEVER DID, REALLY? >> NEVER REALLY DID. >> Jimmy: IS THAT SOMETHING THAT YOU ENJOY, TELEVISION IN GENERAL? >> NOT REALLY. >> Jimmy: OR YOU WERE JUST TOO BUSY TO DO IT? >> BOTH. >> Jimmy: YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING TELEVISION WHEN YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT. >> YOU GOT A LOT TO DO. YOU'RE BUSY. >> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE MUCH FREE TIME AT ALL WHEN YOU'RE PRESIDENT? >> IF YOU MAKE IT. IT DEPENDS. I EXERCISED EVERY DAY. SO I TELL THE SCHEDULERS, I WANT AN HOUR EVERY DAY. BUT YOU HAVE TO SET PRIORITIES AND LIVE BY THEM. BUT NOT MUCH FREE TIME 37. >> Jimmy: FUNNY, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE THE FIRST THING I CUT OUT. NOT EXERCISING FOR AT LEAST EIGHT YEARS. >> Jimmy: DO YOU PAY ATTENTION TO POP CULTURE? >> NO. >> Jimmy: SO YOU DON'T KNOW THAT BEYONCE IS PREGNANT? >> NO. >> Jimmy: DO YOU KNOW WHO BEYONCE'S HUSBAND IS? >> NO. >> Jimmy: DO YOU KNOW WHO BEYONCE IS? >> YES. >> Jimmy: SHE'S FROM — >> SHE'S FROM TEXAS. >> Jimmy: DO YOU KNOW WHO WON THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST PICTURE? >> PASS THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: DID YOU SEE THAT MOMENT WITH WARREN BEATTY? >> I WATCHED THE REPLAY. I'M GOING TO PANDER. I THOUGHT YOUR OPENING WAS DAMN GOOD. >> Jimmy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I APPRECIATE IT. OH, YOU WATCHED THAT. >> NO, NO, I WATCHED THE OPENING. >> Jimmy: OKAY, I GOTCHA. AND I SAW A REPLAY OF THE FAU– >> AND I SAW A REPLAY OF THE FAUX PAS. >> Jimmy: WHEN YOU SEE THAT, YOU'RE OPENING THE DOOR, THERE WAS MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, THAT WAS A BIG ONE. DO YOU TAKE PLEASURE, OR DO YOU FEEL SORRY FOR — >> I FELT SORRY FOR HIM. I KINDA FELT SORRY FOR YOU. YOU LOOKED A LITTLE LOST UP THERE. >> Jimmy: I GET THAT A LOT. >> PRICEWATERHOUSE DID IT. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: THIS IS THE BOOK WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. >> Jimmy: WE ARE BACK WITH PRESIDENT BUSH. THIS IS HIS BOOK, IT'S CALLED "PORTRAITS OF COURAGE," AND WE'LL GO THROUGH THIS AND TALK ABOUT SOME OF THE VETERANS THAT YOU PAINTED AND WROTE ABOUT. THIS IS A QUESTION FIRST THAT I THINK IS IMPORTANT TO ME AND TO THE COUNTRY. WHEN YOU WERE IN OFFICE, I DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS HAPPENED OR IF IT HAPPENED, DID YOU GO THROUGH THE SECRET FILES, THE UFO DOCUMENTS? BECAUSE — >> MAYBE. >> Jimmy: IF I WAS PRESIDENT, THAT WOULD BE THE FIRST THING I DID. >> MY DAUGHTERS ASKED THE SAME QUESTION. >> Jimmy: THEY DID? >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: WOULD YOU BE ALLOWED TO TELL YOUR DAUGHTERS WHAT WAS IN THOSE FILES? >> NO. >> Jimmy: NOW THAT YOU'RE OUT OF OFFICE, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT, RIGHT? >> TRUE. BUT I'M NOT TELLING YOU. >> Jimmy: ARE YOU NOT TELLING ME THAT YOU LOOKED AT THEM? >> I'M NOT TELLING YOU NOTHING. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: ARE THERE REALLY GREAT SECRETS THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T SHARE WITH PEOPLE? >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: THERE ARE? AND YOU NEVER WRITE ABOUT THEM? >> NO. >> Jimmy: MAYBE AT A TIME IN YOUR LIFE, YOU'RE 90, I'M GOING TO DO IT? >> NO. >> Jimmy: NOTHING? WHAT IF YOU WERE TO GET A LITTLE LOOPY AND — >> START DRINKING AGAIN? >> Jimmy: YEAH. GUILLERMO, GET SOME TEQUILA! [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: WERE YOU JEALOUS OF THE SIZE OF THE CROWDS AT TRUMP'S INAUGURATION? [ LAUGHTER ] >> I WAS — I WAS THERE. >> Jimmy: I KNOW YOU WERE. >> I WAS THE GUY TRYING TO PUT THE — >> Jimmy: THE PONCHO ON. WE NOTICED THAT, ACTUALLY. WHEN YOU'RE PRESIDENT AND YOU HAVE A PONCHO HANDLER. WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF OFFICE, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN. I WAS LOOKING AT DICK CHENEY WHILE THAT WAS HAPPENING, HE SEEMED TO BE ENJOYING THAT PONCHO MOMENT. >> HELPING ME WITH THE PONCHO? >> Jimmy: WELL, HE WASN'T SO MUCH HELPING YOU, SO MUCH AS GLARING AT YOU. JEB BUSH IS A GUY THAT I'M FRIENDLY WITH. I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH JEB. >> SO DO I. >> Jimmy: WE E-MAIL FROM TIME TO TIME. HE WAS VERY KIND TO BE A PART OF SOMETHING I DID FOR THE EMMYS LAST YEAR. I WONDER, BECAUSE I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT, WITH MY LITTLE BROTHER, LIKE IF I GUY WAS SAYING THINGS ABOUT MY LITTLE BROTHER, I'D WANT TO KILL HIM. WANT TO BEAT HIM UP. DID YOU EVER GET ANGRY AND HAVE THAT KIND OF REACTION? >> NO. >> Jimmy: YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT JEB? [ LAUGHTER ] >> I HAD BEEN IN A NUMBER OF CAMPAIGNS AND, PRETTY WELL USED TO THAT STUFF. >> Jimmy: IT GOES WITH THE TERRITORY? >> YEAH, IT DOES. >> Jimmy: THAT'S A MATURE WAY OF LOOKING AT IT. WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR NEWS ON A DAILY BASIS? >> "WALL STREET JOURNAL." >> Jimmy: YOU READ THAT EVERY DAY? >> YEAH. DALLAS MORNING NEWS AS WELL. WHERE DO YOU THINK ROMO WILL GO, BY THE WAY? >> HE'S A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE, BY THE WAY. >> Jimmy: HE'S A DEAR FRIEND OF MINE TOO. [ LAUGHTER ] I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S GOING. REAL COLD IN DENVER, BUT YOU'LL GET USED TO IT. >> HE'S A WONDERFUL GUY AND HE'S HANDLED THIS EXTREMELY WELL WITH DAK PRESCOTT. >> Jimmy: I THINK HE'S HANDLED IT VERY WELL. >> YES. >> Jimmy: HE'S A GOOD GUY. BUT THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT STUFF. LET'S TALK ABOUT THE PAINTINGS. WHEN DID ALL THIS HAPPEN? >> GETTING A LITTLE BORED. >> Jimmy: ALL THE BRUSH HAD BEEN CLEARED ON THE PROPERTY? >> BRUSH CLEARED. YOU GO A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR. NEXT DAY YOU WAKE UP AND, NOTHING. GO GET THE COFFEE YOURSELF, BUDDY. [ LAUGHTER ] AND SO I WROTE THESE BOOKS, WHICH SURPRISED A LOT OF PEOPLE. >> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT. >> ESPECIALLY ON THE COASTS. >> Jimmy: YOU WROTE LIKE FIVE BOOKS. >> THEY DIDN'T THINK I COULD READ MUCH LESS WRITE. ANYWAY, I WROTE AN ESSAY ABOUT WINSTON CHURCHILL PAINTING AS A PASTIME. AND I SAID, IF THIS GUY CAN PAINT, SO CAN I. >> Jimmy: DID YOU AS A KID? >> NO. NEVER INTERESTED IN IT. >> Jimmy: WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP? >> I BROUGHT BUSHES AND PAINT AND HIRED AN STRUCTOR. >> Jimmy: DID YOU HAVE SOMEONE GET THE SUPPLIES FOR YOU? >> I DID. >> Jimmy: HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE SUPPLIES STORE? >> I HAVE. >> Jimmy: ISN'T IT FUN? >> YEAH, I ENJOY GOING. >> Jimmy: AND HOW DO YOU FIND AN ART INSTRUCTOR? IS IT A CRAIG'S LIST KIND OF DEAL? [ LAUGHTER ] >> FORTUNATELY GOT SOME ARTIST FRIENDS IN DALLAS, AND A WOMAN NAMED PAM SUGGESTED GAYLE, AND SHE CAME OVER AND WE GOT STARTED AND A PAINTED A CUBE. >> Jimmy: IS SHE HONEST WITH YOU, IF THERE'S SOMETHING SHE THINKS IS NOT GOOD? >> WELL, SHE STARTED OFF WITH HER BODY LANGUAGE, MAKING IT PRETTY OBVIOUS SHE DIDN'T VOTE FOR ME. [ LAUGHTER ] >> Jimmy: I WOULD IMAGINE YOU TURNED HER AROUND. >> I'M SURE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND, THE ART COMMUNITY WAS NOT EXACTLY MY BASE OF SUPPORT. >> Jimmy: YEAH, NO RALLIES IN GALLERIES. YOU STARTED OUT PAINTING PRIMARILY DOGS. >> YEAH, BECAUSE I CALLED MOTHER AND SAID, I'M A PAINTER. SHE SAID, YOU CAN'T PAINT. AND I SAID, I DAMN SURE CAN. SHE SAID, PAINT MY DOG. SO I WAS A PET PORTRAIT PAINTER. >> Jimmy: THEN YOU HAVE DOGS DOWN, GRADUATE TO HUMANS? >> EXACTLY. >> Jimmy: HUMANS ARE HARDER THAN DOGS? >> DOGS DON'T REALLY TALK BACK TO YOU. >> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE PEOPLE SIT FOR YOU? >> NO, I GO WITH PHOTOS. >> Jimmy: DO YOU EVER PAINT NUDES? >> NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: THIS IS TECHNICALLY A NUDE. THIS IS A SELF-PORTRAIT, YOU IN THE SHOWER. NOW, HOW DO YOU CAPTURE THAT? DID LAURA TAKE A PICTURE? WE WELL. >> WELL, I KINDA USED MY IMAGINATION. YOU CAN SEE, I MADE MY MUSCLES A LITTLE BIGGER. >> Jimmy: WHY NOT. YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE CRAPPY SHAVING MIRRORS. >> I DO. >> Jimmy: SEEMED LIKE YOU'D AT LEAST HAVE THE ELECTRIC ONE. I DON'T KNOW, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT. AND THIS IS A CLASSIC, SOMETHING I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE FOR MY HOME. YOU PAINTED YOURSELF IN THE BATH. WERE YOU IN THE BATH WHILE PAINTING THIS? >> NO, I WAS IN THE BATH WHILE PHOTOGRAPHING THIS. >> Jimmy: I SEE. >> AND AS YOU NOTICE, I LEANED WAY BACK. >> Jimmy: AND DID YOU TAKE THAT PICTURE WITH YOUR PHONE? >> YES, I DID. >> Jimmy: OH, THAT'S VERY DANGEROUS. THAT'S ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS ANY PRESIDENT'S — >> YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I DID THAT? I WANTED TO FIGURE OUT PERSPECTIVE, AND PAINT WATER HITTING WATER. PLUS I WAS TESTING THE HUMOR OF MY INSTRUCTOR. >> Jimmy: GAYLE WAS IMPRESSED BY THAT? SO THESE PAINTINGS ARE OF VETERANS, A COUPLE OF WHOM ARE HERE IN OUR AUDIENCE TONIGHT. >> YEAH. >> Jimmy: A COUPLE OF GENTLEMEN. INTRODUCE THESE FELLAS THAT ARE HERE. HEY, GUYS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT PAGE. >> I DO. HERE'S BRIAN. >> Jimmy: LET ME SHOW THAT TO EVERYBODY. SO BRIAN'S RIGHT THERE IN THE AUDIENCE. BRIAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR LIKENESS? >> THAT'S AN INCREDIBLE HONOR. LOOKS GREAT. >> Jimmy: IT DOES LOOK GOOD. >> SO THE QUESTION, DOES BRILLIANT'S MOTHER LIKE IT? >> Jimmy: AND DOES BRIAN'S MOTHER LIKE IT? >> SHE'S HERE. >> Jimmy: OH, DO YOU LIKE IT? THAT'S YOUR BABY. >> SO THE ANSWER IS, YES, I DO, I LOVE IT. >> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE THE ORIGINAL PAINTING? >> NO. BUT I DO HAVE A BOOK. >> GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MIND. >> Jimmy: WELL, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE FUN IF WE DREW EACH OTHER WHILE YOU'RE HERE. >> THAT'S ALEXANDER. >> Jimmy: HE'S RIGHT THERE NEXT TO BRIAN. ALEXANDER'S — IT WAS AN UNSHAVEN PERIOD FOR ALEXANDER. ALEXANDER, WHAT DO YOU THINK? TURN YOUR HEAD A LITTLE, ALEXANDER. >> YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING? HE'S GOING TO BECOME A FIREFIGHTER HERE IN L.A. >> Jimmy: IS THAT RIGHT? >> TRYING TO. >> Jimmy: OH, GOOD, I'LL BURN SOMETHING AND YOU CAN COME OVER. [ LAUGHTER ] I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN IF WE DO AN ART DEMONSTRATION ON THE SHOW, BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING MORE INTERESTING ON TELEVISION THAN WATCHING PEOPLE DRAW. WHEN WE COME BACK — IN FACT, LET'S GRAB THEM NOW AND WE'LL GET STARTED AND MAYBE WE'LL DRAW EACH OTHER. OKAY? VERY GOOD. PRESIDENT BUSH IS HERE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ♪ ♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, WE'RE BACK WITH THE PRESIDENT. SO, UM, YOU WANT TO SHOW YOURS FIRST? OR SHOULD I? [ LAUGHTER ] THAT SOUNDED DIRTY, BUT IT REALLY WASN'T. OKAY, LET'S JUST HOLD IT UP RIGHT THERE. >> Jimmy: YEP, THAT'S ME, ALL RIGHT. [ APPLAUSE ] IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS MAN, CONTACT YOUR LOCAL POLICE. OKAY, SO I DREW YOU AND THEN IN THE BACKGROUND THERE, I HAD GUILLERMO, SO I COULDN'T HELP IT. >> THAT'S GOOD. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. I THINK WE SHOULD GIVE THESE TO THE SOLDIERS. YOU GUYS WANT THESE? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] DO YOU MIND IF I GIVE MINE — I'M GOING TO PUT MY SIGNATURE ON YOURS RIGHT THERE. THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE, MR. PRESIDENT. >> CAN I SAY ONE THING? >> Jimmy: SAY WHATEVER YOU LIKE. >> ANYBODY WHO BUYS THIS BOOK, THE PROCEEDS GO TO THIS PROGRAM TO HELP OUR VETS. ALL OF IT. >> Jimmy: EXCELLENT. THAT'S THE BOOK RIGHT THERE. "PORTRAITS OF COURAGE: A COMMANDER IN CHIEF'S TRIBUTE TO AMERICA'S WARRIORS" IS AVAILABLE NOW. ARTWORK AND STORIES BY PRESIDENT

John Oliver And Stephen Make Wax Presidents Fight To The Death



>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE "LATE
SHOW." WELCOME TO A SPECIAL BONUS
EDITION OF JOHN OLIVER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANY OTHER SHOW WOULD WASTE THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW ON A WebEx
TRAY. >> HUH-UH. >> Stephen: HUH-UH. THIS IS BONUS JOHN OLIVER,
YOU DIDN'T ASK FOR OR WANT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU. >> PICK IT. >> Stephen: IT'S BECAUSE YOU
AND I BOTH GOT WIND THAT TOWN IN GETTYSBURG, PENNSYLVANIA. >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: THIS WAS THE
GETTYSBURG PRESIDENT MUSEUM HALL OF FAME. >> THE WAX PRESIDENTIAL MUSEUM. >> Stephen: WAX PRESIDENTIAL
MUSEUM. >> AND WE DIDN'T KNOW EACH OTHER
WERE INTERESTED. >> Stephen: NO. WE SENT PEOPLE DOWN, AND YOU
SENT PEOPLE DOWN THERE. >> BECAUSE WE'RE BOTH ATTRACTED
TO THINGS THAT ARE OBJECTIVELY RIDICULOUS. >> Stephen: AND JON STEWART
SENT SOMEBODY DOWN THERE BECAUSE WHAT DO YOU WANT? >> YOU WANT A WAX PRESIDENT. >> Stephen: OR A WAX FIRST
LADY WHICH, IF YOU REMEMBER, THEY HAD THE WAX FIRST LADY'S
FOR ONLY TWO-THIRDS THE HEIGHT, AS IF BACK IN THE 18th CENTURY
THERE WAS NO CALCIUM. >> REPRESENTING HOPE WOMEN WOULD
EVENTUALLY BE PAID. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: THAT'S COMMENTARY, NOT ENDORSEMENT FROM HIM. HE'S A SATIRIST. >> I CAN'T BE THE BAD GUY THERE! IT WASN'T A SUGGESTION, IT WAS A
CRITICISM! ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WE HAVE ZACHARY TAYLOR, THAT'S WHO YOU BID ON,
AND YOU GOT WARREN G. HARDING, RIGHT? >> WE GOT FIVE PRESIDENTS OF
WHICH MY FAVORITE WAS INDEED THE ULTIMATE WARREN G. >> Stephen: FIVE? FIVE. >> Stephen: THESE THINGS
AREN'T CHEAP. THEY COST THOUSANDS. THAT'S MORE OF THAT DRAGON
MONEY, RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER )
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: DAMN IT! BUT HERE'S THE THING, I WAS
HAPPY FOR YOU. I WAS ALMOST VALIDATED BECAUSE I
I RESPECT YOU. HE WANTED SOME, I GOT SOME. I WAS HAPPY FOR YOU. THIS IS WHAT YOU SAID ON YOUR
SHOW. >> CONGRATULATIONS, STEPHEN! WORTH POINTING OUT ZACHARY
TAYLOR TIED OF A STOMACH BUG. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS AND IT DOESN'T APPLY. THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR
AND I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO APOLOGIZE
>> YOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU FOR INSULTING YOUR WAX
PRESIDENT? >> STEPHEN: NO. I WANT YOU TO APOLOGIZE TO WAX
ZACHARY TAYLOR. BRING HIM OUT, FELLAS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PLAYING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I WOULD LOVE TO APOLOGIZE TO A WAX PRESIDENT,
BUT I DON'T SEE A WAX PRESIDENT. I SEE A ONE-YEAR WONDER WHO DIED
OF A TENDER TUMMY. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT A REAL WAX PRESIDENT LOOKS LIKE? LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE G-SPOT… THE "WARREN G. HARDING" SPOT! BRING MY BOY OUT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PLAYING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, LET'S
SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN WITH INSULTS. >> OH, IT'S ON! YOU KNOW HOW ZACHARY TAYLOR
DIED? AFTER A JULY 4TH CELEBRATION
WHERE HE TREATED HIMSELF TO TOO MUCH MILK AND CHERRIES. HE BASICALLY O.D.'D ON A SNACK
FOR PRE-SCHOOLERS. BOOM! >> STEPHEN: REALLY? CAN I GET A BOOM ON THAT? >> Stephen: REALLY? YES. >> Stephen: KNOWN PHILANDERER
WARREN G. HARDING ALSO DIED IN OFFICE OF A HEART CONDITION. REALLY? I DIDN'T REALIZE YOUR HEART
COULD GET SYPHILIS! >> HEY! HEY! HEY! RESPECT THE OFFICE! NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WHO YOUR GUY
IS! 90% OF AMERICANS THINK ZACHARY
TAYLOR WAS ONE OF THE KIDS ON "HOME IMPROVEMENT." >> Stephen: A FINE SHOW! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> NO, IT ISN'T! >> STEPHEN: PRESIDENT HARDING
WAS AN EARLY PROPONENT OF COMMERCIAL AVIATION BECAUSE,
WHILE HARDING WAS PRESIDENT, EVEN HE WANTED TO FLEE THE
COUNTRY. >> HEY! ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: WHY DID I GET A GROWN? >> I'M NOT SURPRISED TAYLOR WAS
IN THE WHIG PARTY. THAT HAIRDO LOOKS LIKE YOU
SHAVED IT OFF A SHIH TZU'S ASS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: HARDING WAS SO CORRUPT HE LOST THE WHITE HOUSE
CHINA IN A POKER GAME! AND APPARENTLY THE WHITE HOUSE
EYEBROW TRIMMERS IN A GAME OF YAHTZEE. >> DON'T LISTEN TO HIM. >> Stephen: HE CAN'T HEAR YOU. HE'S WAX
>> ZACHARY TAYLOR'S NICKNAME WAS "OLD ROUGH AND READY." THAT'S NOT A NICKNAME FOR A
PRESIDENT, IT'S A NICKNAME FOR A MALE PROSTITUTE. A GOOD ONE. >> Stephen: YOU SHOULD BE SO
LUCKY. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: HARDING IS WIDELY CONSIDERED BY MODERN DAY
HISTORIANS TO BE THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER. AND REMEMBER, MODERN DAY
HISTORIANS KNOW WHO THE PRESIDENT IS RIGHT NOW! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> YOU'VE GOT TO STOP. I'M SORRY. >> Stephen: THAT'S TOO FAR. THIS IS TOO MUCH. >> Stephen: THAT'S TOO FAR. I APOLOGIZE. WE'RE CLEARLY NEVER GOING TO
SETTLE THIS. I MAY NOT LIKE HARDING, YOU MAY
NOT LIKE TAYLOR, BUT AT LEAST WE CAN BOTH AGREE… >> THEY'RE NOT FRANKLIN PIERCE. >> Stephen: NO. WHAT A DOUCHE BAG. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: WAX ZACHARY TAYLOR IS SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID. >> WAX WARREN G. HARDING IS
SORRY AS WELL. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> STEPHEN: LET'S MAKE THEM KISS. >> LET'S DO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT

The Democrats Actually Won Something!



LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. NOW —
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
QUICKLY HERE, HURRICANE IRMA — YOU GUYS HEARD OF THIS? HURRICANE IRMA, IT CONTINUES TO
GRIND ITS WAY THROUGH THE CARIBBEAN. IT'S THE LARGEST ATLANTIC STORM
IN HISTORY, WITH SUSTAINED OF UP TO 185 MILES PER HOUR. SO, IF YOU'RE IN ITS PATH, DON'T
BE. IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY LEFT,
PLEASE FOLLOW THE GUIDANCE OF YOUR LOCAL OFFICIALS REGARDING
EVACUATIONS. BUT IF YOU ARE STAYING PUT,
MIGHT I SUGGEST FOLLOWING THE STORM-PREP EXAMPLE OF ECCENTRIC
BILLIONAIRE AND GUY MOST LIKELY TO MAKE A JURASSIC PARK IN REAL
LIFE, SIR RICHARD BRANSON. ( LAUGHTER )
THE GOAT-HEADED DEMON GOD ACTUALLY OWNS A PRIVATE ISLAND
IN THE CARIBBEAN, AND RODE OUT THE STORM YESTERDAY IN HIS WINE
CELLAR. ( LAUGHTER )
SMART MOVE. I HEAR THE RED CROSS SHELTERS
ONLY HAVE MERLOT. HOW DRAB! BRANSON HUNKERED DOWN WITH HIS
TEAM OF ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE AND POSTED SOME COOL PICS, LIKE
THIS ONE OF THEM HAVING A SLEEPOVER IN THE GREAT HOUSE. AND THIS ONE OF THEM PLAYING
SOME SORT OF DICE GAME. BECAUSE BEING IN THE PATH OF A
CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE WASN'T ENOUGH OF A GAMBLE… "OKAY, LET'S SEE WHO WE EAT
FIRST." ( PIANO RIFF )
JOSHUA, GO MARINATE YOURSELF. GOOD NEWS, THEY'RE FINE. MANY PEOPLE ARE NOT. IF YOU WANT TO HELP, TUNE IN ON
TUESDAY FOR THE "HAND IN HAND" HARVEY AND IRMA HURRICANE
TELETHON AIRING ON ALL THE MAJOR NETWORKS. GIVE US A CALL. I'LL BE WORKING THE PHONES. AND IF IT HELPS RAISE MONEY,
I'LL ALSO BE WORKING THE POLE. ( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT? WHATEVER IT TAKES. I WAS YOUNG, I NEEDED THE MONEY. ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) I'M GOING TO SAY SOMETHING A
LITTLE WEIRD RIGHT NOW, SO BEAR WITH ME: THE DEMOCRATS WON
SOMETHING… ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE, DURING A WHITE HOUSE MEETING ABOUT THE UPCOMING
AGENDA IN CONGRESS, "TRUMP SIDED WITH THE DEMOCRATS ON THE DEBT
LIMIT AND FUNDING FOR HURRICANE HARVEY." HUGE VICTORY FOR THE DEMS! AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS:
IT'S SQUANDERIN' TIME! ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT FOR THE MOMENT, THEY'RE
RIDING HIGH BECAUSE THEY GOT TRUMP TO AGREE TO THEIR PLAN ON
THE DEBT LIMIT. YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE DEBT
LIMIT, RIGHT? WE TALK ABOUT IT EVERY SO OFTEN,
OKAY. IT'S THE AMOUNT OF DEBT AMERICA
IS LEGALLY ALLOWED TO CARRY, AND, IF WE DON'T RAISE IT EVERY
ONCE IN A WHILE, WE DEFAULT ON EVERYTHING AND AMERICA GETS
REPOSSESSED BY CHINA. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN I THINK WE ALL MOVE DOWN TO RICHARD BRANSON'S WINE CELLAR. ( LAUGHTER )
TO RIDE IT OUT. REPUBLICANS WANTED TO RAISE THE
DEBT CEILING TO COVER THE NEXT 18 MONTHS SO THE DEMOCRATS
COULDN'T USE IT AS A NEGOTIATING TOOL BEFORE THE MIDTERM
ELECTIONS. DEMOCRATS WANTED TO COVER ONLY
THREE MONTHS, AND THEY CONVINCED TRUMP, POSSIBLY RIGHT AT THIS
MOMENT WHEN CHUCK SCHUMER APPEARS TO BE SAYING, "WHO'S A
GOOD PRESIDENT? YOU ARE! YOU ARE!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
GO GET IT! GO GET IT! ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, THIS INFURIATED REPUBLICAN LEADERS. ONE G.O.P. OPERATIVE PUT IT THIS
WAY: "HE ( BLEEP ) US." ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) YEAH… AND HE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE THEM
FURNITURE SHOPPING FIRST. SO WHY DID TRUMP SIDE WITH THE
DEMOCRATS? PEOPLE AT THE MEETING SAY HE WAS
ANXIOUS TO GET A DEAL DONE FAST. IN FACT, A SENIOR REPUBLICAN
SOURCE DESCRIBED TRUMP AS BEING IN "APPRENTICE" MODE. YEAH, HE WAS IN "APPRENTICE"
MODE, WHICH IS WHY HE KEPT CALLING SCHUMER, "SENATOR
MEATLOAF." ( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP'S ALSO HINTING HE MIGHT WORK WITH THE DEMS ON
RESTORING DACA AFTER HE RESCINDS IT. >> CHUCK AND NANCY WOULD LIKE
TO SEE SOMETHING HAPPEN, AND SO DO I. AND I SAID, IF WE CAN GET
SOMETHING TO HAPPEN, WE ARE GOING TO SIGN IT AND MAKE IT–
AND WE'RE GONNA MAKE A LOT OF HAPPY PEOPLE. >> STEPHEN: YEAH, THAT'S THE
BEST WAY TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY– FIRST, SCARE THE CRAP OUT THEM. THEN TELL THEM THERE'S A WAY
OUT. IT'S LIKE ONE OF THOSE "SAW"
MOVIES IN REVERSE. "OKAY, I'VE LOCKED YOU DREAMERS
IN A ROOM, YOU'VE ALL GOT GREEN CARDS BUT THEY'RE IN YOUR SKULL
BEHIND YOUR EYEBALL. HERE'S A BROKEN BOTTLE. GO FOR IT! HAPPY PEOPLE!">3
( LAUGHTER ) SO HA —
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) EVENTUALLY, MY IMPRESSION OF
TRUMP WILL JUST BE GRUNTING ( GRUNTING )
( LAUGHTER ) JUST AS INTELLIGIBLE. THEN, OUT OF NOWHERE, TODAY,
TRUMP TWEETED: "FOR ALL OF THOSE, DACA, THAT ARE CONCERNED
ABOUT YOUR STATUS DURING THE SIX-MONTH PERIOD, YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. NO ACTION!"
"YES, I TIED YOU TO TRAIN TRACKS, BUT DON'T WORRY, THE
TRAIN IS RUNNING SIX MONTHS LATE." ( LAUGHTER )
SO IT'S AN ODD, UNEXPECTED TWEET, AND THEN WE FOUND OUT WHY
HE DID IT. >> I SAID TO HIM, WHEN HE CALLED
THIS MORNING, I SAID, THANKS FOR CALLING. THIS IS WHAT WE NEED– PEOPLE
REALLY NEED A REASSURANCE FROM YOU, MR. PRESIDENT. AND BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, THE TWEET
APPEARED. >> STEPHEN: BOOM BOOM BOOM? BOOM BOOM BOOM? I'M SORRY, MA'AM, I BELIEVE IT'S
PRONOUNCED LIKE THIS — >> BING! BING! BING! >> Stephen: BING, BING, BOOM
BOOM BOOM — ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AH, AH, AH, EH… ( LAUGHTER )
SO WE'RE FINALLY SEEING SOME DEALS HAPPENING, AND IT COULD BE
BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT HAS FOUND A NEW DEALMAKIN' SPOT. MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE SAYING
THAT AIR FORCE ONE IS TRUMP'S NEW BOARDROOM. SO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE STUCK ON
AN AIRPLANE NEXT TO SOMEONE WHO WON'T SHUT UP? TURNS OUT, IT COULD BE WORSE. APPARENTLY, THE PRESIDENT HAS
INVITED A LOT OF LAWMAKERS ONTO THE PLANE FOR PRIVATE
ARM-TWISTING SESSIONS. AND IT'S EFFECTIVE, AS
CONGRESSMAN MARIO DIAZ-BALART SAYS, "THEY CAN'T GO ANYWHERE. THEY CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM YOU." SAME REASON TRUMP LOVES DRESSING
ROOMS.

Stephen Helps President Obama Polish His Résumé



>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHERE
THAT CHALKBOARD
WOULD NOT BE BLURRED? ON MY LIVE ELECTION NIGHT
SPECIAL ON SHOWTIME, 11:00 P.M. ON THE EAST COAST, 8:00 P.M. IN
THE WEST. ON THIS SHOW "TIME" SPECIAL —
I WILL NOT BE DRAWING PENISES,
BUT THERE WILL BE PENISES. ( LAUGHTER )
FOLKS, THERE ARE A LOT OF SIGNS
THE ECONOMY IS IMPROVING, BUT THERE ARE STILL A LOT OF PEOPLE
OUT THERE STRUGGLING TO FIND
WORK. DID YOU KNOW UNEMPLOYMENT IS
CURRENTLY 100% AMONG AMERICA'S
BILLY BUSHES? ( LAUGHTER )
AND A FRIEND OF THE SHOW IS
ABOUT TO LOSE HIS JOB, SO LAST WEEK I HELPED HIM TRANSITION TO
HIS SECOND CAREER. JIM? >> STEPHEN: MR. PRESIDENT. GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, SIR. >> Stephe
TEPHEN. >> Stephen: ALWAYS THE BEST. HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE? >> STEPHEN: OH, JUST– YOU KNOW,
I'M ALWAYS– INTERESTED IN
TALKING TO THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD. LOOK, I AM SO THRILLED TO JOIN
YOU HERE AT CARNEGIE MELLON
UNIVERSITY. AND JUST LIKE ALL THE STUDENTS
OUT THERE TAKING PART IN THE
WHITE HOUSE FRONTIERS CONFERENCE, YOU TOO WILL SOON BE
LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB. ISN'T THAT INTERESTING? >> THAT IS TRUE. >> STEPHEN: AND I AM HONORED
THAT YOU ASKED ME HERE TO HELP. >> STEPHEN, I DIDN'T ASK YOU
HERE TO HELP. I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT
IN HERE. >> STEPHEN: IT'S OKAY TO BE
NERVOUS. ALL RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT? >> I'M ALREADY SITTING. >> STEPHEN: GOOD. SEE IT'S STARTING OFF VERY WELL
ALREADY. AND I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD
START WITH A PRACTICE INTERVIEW
AND I'VE GOT JUST THE MAN WHO COULD HELP YOU. EXCUSE ME ONE SECOND. >> STEPHEN? >> STEPHEN: YES SIR, JUST A
MOMENT. >> HELLO. >> HELLO. >> I'M RANDY. I'M THE OFFICER MANAGER. >> HELLO, RANDY. >> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT. THIS IS GOING TO GO VERY WELL. >> ARE YOU–
>> STEPHEN: OKAY. >> –INTENDING TO– HELP ME
SHARPEN MY SKILLS– WHEN I GO IN
FOR AN INTERVIEW? IS THAT– YOUR INTENTION HERE? >> STEPHEN: IT'S WHAT I DO FOR A
LIVING. >> OKAY. >> STEPHEN: WE'RE HERE TO FIND
OUT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR A
LIVING, OKAY? >> ALL RIGHT. LET'S TRY IT OUT. >> STEPHEN: 55. TOUGH TIME TO START OVER FOR A
MAN. OKAY. I HAVE A COPY OF YOUR RESUME
HERE. WHY DON'T YOU HAND IT TO ME AS
IF YOU WERE APPLYING FOR A JOB. GO AHEAD AND DO IT. THAT'S GOOD. YOU'RE A NATURAL. OK. HELLO, MR. O'BALMER. AM I PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY? >> CLOSE ENOUGH. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. LET'S SEE,
PAPAPAPAPA I DON'T SEE ANY
PROMOTIONS FOR THE LAST EIGHT YEARS. THAT'S NOT ALWAYS GOOD. CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT? >> HONESTLY, THERE WASN'T A LOT
OF ROOM FOR ADVANCEMENT IN MY
LAST JOB. THE ONLY ONE WITH A MORE
POWERFUL POSITION WAS MY WIFE. >> STEPHEN: OH OKAY. AH, GOOD. UH-HUH. IS IT A TWOFER? CAN WE GET BOTH OF YOU, BY ANY
CHANCE? >> DOUBTFUL. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. SO TELL ME WHY YOU'RE LEAVING. YOU SAY YOU'RE NOT BEING
TERMINATED, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU CAN'T STAY. IS THAT TRUE? >> WELL, I'M LEAVING BECAUSE
IT'S REQUIRED BY THE 22ND
AMENDMENT OF THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. LITTLE TIP. WHEN YOU SAY STAYING IN YOUR JOB
WOULD BE UNCONSTITUTIONAL, WHAT
EMPLOYERS HEAR IS THAT YOU STOLE OFFICE SUPPLIES. OKAY? SO I'D GLOSS OVER THE REST OF
THAT, OK? >> OK. >> STEPHEN: AND DOESN'T SAY
HERE. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? ( LAUGHTER )
>> REALLY? >> STEPHEN: IS THIS THE LONGEST
FORM OF THIS RESUME AVAILABLE? >> WHY DON'T WE MOVE ON? >> STEPHEN: OKAY, GOOD. DESCRIBE, IF YOU CAN, THE TYPE
OF OFFICE YOU WOULD LIKE TO WORK
IN? >> WELL, I WAS HOPING FOR A NICE
CORNER OFFICE. OR AT LEAST AN OFFICE THAT HAS
CORNERS IN IT. >> STEPHEN: CAN YOU TELL ME
ABOUT SOME OF YOUR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS? AND KEEP IN MIND IT'S IMPORTANT
TO DESCRIBE THEM IN SUCH A WAY
THAT IT HIGHLIGHTS HOW YOUR EXPERIENCE MIGHT BE RELEVANT TO
A POTENTIAL EMPLOYER. >> OKAY, WELL– I BROKERED
INTERNATIONAL DEALS THAT SLOWED
THE IMPACT OF CLIMATE CHANGE AND PREVENTED IRAN FROM ACQUIRING A
NUCLEAR WEAPON. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, LET'S CHANGE
THAT TO "PROFICIENT IN MICROSOFT
EXCEL." ANYTHING ELSE? >> WELL, I REOPENED RELATIONS
WITH CUBA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
50 YEARS. >> STEPHEN: I'D CALL THAT ONE
"CONVERSATIONAL SPANISH." SI? OKAY. IT SAYS HERE– LET ME SEE IF I
GOT THIS RIGHT. IT SAYS HERE YOU SAVED THE
AMERICAN AUTO INDUSTRY. >> YEAH, BUT NOBODY BELIEVES IT. CHANGE THAT TO "DRIVES STICK." >> STEPHEN: OH, THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD. IN CASE YOU WANT TO BE A LONG
HAUL TRUCKER. OKAY. IT ALSO SAYS HERE YOU– YOU
HELPED TENS OF MILLIONS OF
AMERICANS WITH THEIR HEALTHCARE. >> YOU BET. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, LET'S TEST
THAT OUT. IT HURTS WHEN I DO THIS? >> DON'T DO THAT. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. GOOD. DO YOU HAVE ANY AWARDS OR
COMMENDATIONS? >> WELL, I HAVE ALMOST 30
HONORARY DEGREES AND I– I DID
GET THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. >> STEPHEN: OH REALLY? WHAT WAS THAT FOR? >> TO BE HONEST, I STILL DON'T
KNOW. >> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD. ALL RIGHT. AND HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO FIRE
ANYONE? >> NO I USUALLY LET SEAL TEAM
SIX HANDLE THAT. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, OUTSOURCING. OKAY GOOD. NOW, SOCIAL MEDIA, VERY HOT. DO YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH
THAT? LIKE TWITTER? >> WELL, I HAVE 77 MILLION
FOLLOWERS. DOES THAT COUNT? >> STEPHEN: THAT'S VERY
IMPRESSIVE. HOW'D YOU GET SO MANY? >> EXECUTIVE ORDER. >> STEPHEN: REALLY? >> AND PHOTOS OF CATS. >> STEPHEN: OH, SMART. NOW, THESE DAYS EVERY BUSINESS
WANTS TO APPEAL TO THE
MILLENNIALS. YOU KNOW WHAT MILLENNIALS ARE. >> I THINK SO. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. HOW DO YOU PLAN TO GET THEIR
ATTENTION? >> WELL, I TELL THEM STRAIGHT UP
THAT THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
ELECTION OF THEIR LIFETIMES. THAT THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO MAKE HISTORY. AND THAT THE RESULTS IN NOVEMBER
COULD CHANGE THEIR LIVES FOREVER
SO THEY HAVE TO GET OUT THERE AND VOTE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T CATCH ALL OF THAT. DID YOU KNOW THERE'S A SNAPCHAT
FILTER THAT GIVES YOU A FLOWER
CROWN? >> OF COURSE I KNOW THAT,
STEPHEN. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. LET'S BE HONEST WITH OURSELVES,
OKAY? WHAT WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BIGGEST
WEAKNESS IS? >> WELL, SOMETIMES– WHEN I
TALK–
I TAKE– TOO MANY PAUSES. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. IN THREE WORDS OR LESS WHAT'S A
COMMON CRITICISM YOU HAVE FOR
OTHERS IN THE WORKPLACE? >> I CANNOT STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE
REDUCE COMPLEX IDEAS TO SOME
SIMPLISTIC CATCH PHRASE. >> STEPHEN: WE CAN'T ACCEPT THAT
ANSWER. >> YES, WE CAN. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. LET'S SEE. ALMOST DONE. DO YOU HAVE A BUSY SCHEDULE? AM I KEEPING YOU FROM SOMETHING? >> YOU ARE. >> STEPHEN: OKAY. IS THERE ANYONE WE CAN TALK TO
FOR A CHARACTER REFERENCE? >> I KNOW SEVERAL TURKEYS THAT
OWE ME A FAVOR. >> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT. GOOD TO
KNOW. AND HOW DO YOU LIKE TO SPEND
YOUR TIME? DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES? >> YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY LOVE
DOING? IS ENCOURAGING THE YOUTH OF
AMERICA TO GET OUT AND VOTE THIS
NOVEMBER SO THAT THE GOOD WORK THAT WE'VE DONE OVER THE PAST
EIGHT YEARS CAN CONTINUE ON INTO
THE FUTURE. >> STEPHEN: SO NO WHITTLING OR
ANYTHING LIKE THAT? >> NO–
>> STEPHEN: OKAY. ALL RIGHT. AND– NOW SIR, BECAUSE WE ARE ON
A NETWORK TELEVISION SHOW, I
CANNOT ALLOW YOU TO ENDORSE A CANDIDATE RIGHT NOW. BUT I DO– I WOULD LIKE TO ASK
YOU ABOUT YOUR CHOICE OF SNACKS. COULD I DO THAT? >> SURE. >> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT GREAT. I HAVE TWO CHOICES FOR YOU HERE. WOULD YOU CARE FOR AN EXTRA
FIBER NUTRIENT BAR, WHICH HAS
TRAVELED TO MORE THAN ONE HUNDRED COUNTRIES, OR THIS
SHRIVELED TANGERINE COVERED IN
GOLDEN RETRIEVER HAIR, FILLED WITH BILE THAT I WOULDN'T LEAVE
ALONE WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE? >> WELL, I THINK I'LL GO WITH
THE FIBER NUTRIENT BAR. >> STEPHEN: INTERESTING. OKAY. SO, ULTIMATELY, WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO BE? >> DONE WITH THIS INTERVIEW? >> STEPHEN: OKAY, GREAT. BEFORE WE WRAP UP ANY QUESTIONS
FOR ME? >> I'M STILL WONDERING HOW DID
YOU GET IN HERE? >> STEPHEN: THAT'S AN EXCELLENT
QUESTION. INQUISITIVE. WE LIKE THAT. OKAY. FANTASTIC. WELL, THAT ALL CHECKS OUT,
MR. PRESIDENT. WE'D LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE
POSITION. BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO HAVE THE
MANDATORY COMPANY PHYSICAL. IF YOU'LL JUST– RELAX AND PUT
ON THAT GOWN OVER THERE WE WILL
GET GOING. >> I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE. >> STEPHEN: I HAVE WARM HANDS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU! THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT! >> STEPHEN: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH BILL O'REILLY.