A Sprinkling of Sunshine – Animals in the News | The Daily Show


Nowadays, it seems like every news story
is upsetting. Politics, climate change, war in the Middle East,
war at Popeyes. -(laughter)
-And… And I was… I was chatting to my friend
Roy Wood Jr. about this, and I was just like, “Yo, man, “I wish we could
just take a moment “to find news stories
that are just fun. You know, bring a little
sunshine into our lives.” And so I-I asked Roy
if he could find some of those happy stories, and that’s exactly what
he’s done for our brand-new happy segment,
A Sprinkling of Sunshine. -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) Ah! (laughter) Hello, everyone. I’m Roy Wood Jr. And today,
I thought we’d kick off our first Sprinkling of Sunshine
with some stories about animals, ’cause who doesn’t love animals? They keep us company,
they help us with our work, and a certain number seven horse
helped me win $5,000, which I immediately lost
when I doubled down on a certain number four horse,
slow bastard. (laughter) My point is animals help us out,
and now they’re cheering us up in the most cheerless place
on earth, the airport. A therapy animal
is hogging all the attention at the San Francisco
International Airport. You may have encountered LiLou. She’s billed as the world’s
first airport therapy pig. Her main goal
is to help passengers ease travel anxieties. The five-year-old pig poses
for selfies, can do tricks like a dog. Airport officials say
LiLou has built a sense of community there,
and she’s house-trained. -(laughter)
-Mm. Aw. That’s so adorable. You feel that sunshine?
I feel that sunshine. The San Francisco Airport
got a therapy pig, which is great, ’cause
it’s usually therapy dogs. This pig is a trailblazer. She’s the Jackie Robinson
of pigs, but instead of home runs, LiLou’s talent is not shitting
on anyone’s luggage. And you got to imagine, this has got to be a hard job
for LiLou. She’s got to walk around
the airport food court smelling bacon
and not being freaked out. (laughter) I mean, if I walked in my office and it smelled like
barbecued black guy, I probably would take a shit
on someone’s luggage. (laughter and applause) Just the first whiff,
like, “Mm.” And I think animals
make great therapists. They make great therapists,
animals. They listen, they’re loyal
and, unlike human therapists, you can tell them about crimes
you’re gonna commit, and they can’t stop you. So I think this therapy pig
is a great idea, especially considering
that in America, one in five adults struggles with some form
of mental illness, but because there’s a lack
of resources, people got to figure out
their own shit by themselves or talk to a goddamn pig -20 minutes before their flight.
-Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy. -No, no, Roy, Roy, Roy. -It’s
a damn shame that you got to… -A pig!
-Roy, Roy, Roy! Roy, Roy, Roy. What are you doing?
What are you doing? We’re here… we’re here
to sprinkle sunshine, remember? That’s my bad. You’re right. Sunshine.
Sprinkle the sunshine. I got– I got carried away. -Okay!
-(applause) Let’s move
from the cutest therapy pig to a rascally little kitty. REPORTER: A Houston
animal rescue organization is desperate
to get rid of this cute cat. They say Quilty
had to be sentenced to solitary confinement
for continually letting other cats out
of their enclosures. The serial offender was caught
multiple times by staff at Friends For Life
Animal Rescue and Adoption, setting his feline friend free
from the senior room. The shelter says
Quilty will not be contained. He has no shame.
The cat is currently free, visiting with
a potential adoption family. Quilty even has
his own merchandise now. Too much sunshine!
My heart can’t take it. You’ve got a rescue cat
that’s rescuing other cats! Forget that freaky-ass
Cats movie. They need to make a movie
about Quilty breaking out. Call it
The Pawshank Redemption. -(applause)
-And… and Morgan Freeman
can still narrate it. “It comes down
to a simple choice, really. “Get busy scratchin’
or get busy dyin’. Nine times.” Also, good luck to any family
that adopts Quilty. The parents are gonna come home
and look around the house and they gonna be like,
“Hey, who opened the baby gate?” And Quilty’s gonna be like,
“Hey, I don’t believe
in keeping kids in cages.” In fact, maybe this cat
should be in charge of the immigration policy,
instead of people who think -it’s okay to rip thousands
of kids -Whoa, whoa, whoa, Roy. -away from their parents, who
are just trying -Roy, Roy, Roy. -to give their families
a better life! -Roy, Roy, Roy. -Roy, Roy, Roy. R-Roy.
-Put Quilty! R– No, Roy,
I-I know this is important and we talk about immigration
all the time, but I-I thought we said,
just for this moment, sunshine. (laughter) We’re shining.
We’re-we’re good. We’re-we’re sparkling.
We’re-we’re having a good time. And if you want a good time,
Trevor, you want some sunshine, this last story
is unbearably cute. It’s about a bear. But, first, we have deputies
that come to the rescue when a bear gets himself stuck
in a pretty tight spot near Lake Tahoe. Take a look.
This is a 400-pound bear. He is well-known, apparently,
to local sheriffs and the deputies there. They
even have a nickname for him. That is T-shirt, because
of the white spot on his chest. And they say
they have to often improvise when dealing with bears,
doing what they can to keep them
and everyone around them safe. I mean, that would be
quite startling there. Now, while deputies have
to get close sometimes, they do warn people not
to get too close to those bears. -(awwing)
-Goddamn. A giant bear in a dumpster. That is both hilarious and a very common search
on Pornhub. -It…
-(laughing) It also means doing chores
in this town has got to be
extremely dangerous. “Uh, baby,
can you take out the trash?” “What? You trying
to get me killed, woman, “to take the life insurance!
I know what you’re trying to do. Ain’t taking out no damn trash.” And, also, kudos
to the police officers for approaching this bear calmly
and deescalating the situation. I just wish black people
in America would get -the same treatment from the
police. -Whoa, Roy, Roy, Roy. -That would be
a wonderful thing. -R-Roy. -(cheering and applause)
-It’s… It would be wonderful if the police–
I mean, may-maybe black people should just start wearing
bear costumes -whenever we leave the house.
-R-Roy, Roy. L-Look, I-I–
All of this makes sense and I agree with you,
but we can’t always be outraged. That’s what we said
this would be about. You’re right, you’re right.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That’s my bad. I-It’s just hard
for me to not focus on all the bad news
that’s out there. There’s so much bad news
out there. Well-well, maybe you should talk
to someone about that, Roy. Actually, Trevor, I’m
about to head to the airport. My therapy pig is flying in. Roy Wood Jr., everybody.

Obama’s Tan Suit: The Worst Scandal in Presidential History | The Daily Show


– The President came out
addressing reporters on Thursday and he was wearing
this tan suit. – [Woman] President
Obama’s decision to wear a light tan suit at
yesterday’s news conference. – [Woman] He was
wearing a tan suit. – [Man] Light tan suit. – I think it was shocking
to a lot of people. Is this an effort to
make him look warmer? (sinister music) – [Peter Voiceover] There’s
no way I think any of us can excuse what the President
did yesterday, I mean, and then for him to walk out. I’m not trying to be trivial
here but in a light suit, a light tan suit. – [Man] Also known as tan-gate. – Tan suit and how the tan suit made him look unpresidential. – Who ever talked him into
to going into a tan suit? They’re so desperate because
of these low poll numbers. They’re willing to do anything. (patriotic music) – [Woman] The tan suit made
him look unpresidential. (Daily Show theme music)

Obama’s Bike Helmet: The Worst Scandal in Presidential History | The Daily Show


– There’s one more thing
that has many Americans including myself
humiliated today. Take a look at the
photo comparison of our Commander-in-Chief. There he is juxtaposed
with Vladimir Putin. They have no respect for our
President, for his weakness. (dramatic music) – He wears a helmet
when he rides a bike. – The picture of him riding
the bike with the bike helmet while Putin’s got his shirt off. – Shirtless on the
horse and all that and Obama was riding a
bike with a helmet on. (dramatic music) – The picture says
a thousand words. Here’s, watch. Which one? – Want to talk about the
Ukraine for a second? – Putin, big, strong,
muscular, on a horse. There’s Obama riding a little
bicycle with a helmet on. A leisure, not like
a real racing bike. I mean just going
out for a leisurely, and he’s got this dumb
hat on, dumb helmet on. This is humiliating. It’s unnecessary. You deserve better. We as a country deserve better, and we can do better. (melodramatic music)

Sexism Claims Against Apple’s Credit Card & Political Chaos in Bolivia | The Daily Show


It turns out Apple’s latest
product is discrimination. Back now with allegations
of gender bias against Apple over its new credit card. Apple calls it
simple and secure. WOMAN: A credit card
created by Apple, not a bank. NEWSMAN: But Apple
and partner Goldman Sachs are now accused of gender bias. Software developer
and millionaire David Heinemeier Hansson says
he and his wife share assets and income. But Apple Card gave him
a credit line 20 times higher than hers, even though she has
a higher credit score. It seemed very discriminatory
that I would get 20 times the credit limit even
though our stats were the same. NEWSMAN: Goldman says a computer
algorithm made the decision. When Hansson vented on Twitter, social media erupted
with similar stories. Apple, how could you! This is the most sexist product
since that iPhone that needed to be unlocked
with your penis. (laughter) And if you’re gonna be a
credit card that discriminates, don’t do it based on gender. You should do it
based on what people buy. Like, if you’re using
your credit card to buy a beanbag chair
and a lava lamp, you shouldn’t have
a credit card. -(laughter)
-That’s what it should be. But I do think that, unlike
other forms of discrimination, this one might
actually be addressed. And I say that
because the victims are the most millionaire
white people I have ever seen -(laughter)
-in my life. Look at that couple, huh? The only thing whiter than them
is a Panera gift card. That’s the only thing. So I’m excited
they brought this out. And finally, in some
major international news, yet another
Latin American country is saying adios
to its presidente. NEWSWOMAN: Chaos in Bolivia
after the president, Evo Morales,
announced he is resigning amid protests and calls
from the military to step down. NEWSMAN: Former Bolivian
president, Evo Morales, on his way to a new life after Mexico granted him
political asylum. He says it will prevent
what he calls “blood and grief” in the unrest
following a resignation Morales and his supporters
call a coup. Morales tweeting an appeal
asking Bolivians to: “Take care of the peace
and to not fall into violence.” It remains unclear
who will now lead Bolivia. A so-called
“extraordinary” session of Bolivia’s legislature
is set for today. Damn. Now Bolivia’s government
has collapsed? Right now South American
countries are more chaotic than the second day
at every Jurassic Park. It’s like, “I can’t believe
this happened a third time! Aah!” But what’s interesting, what’s
interesting about this story is that, unlike other countries
in the region where leaders have been ousted,
Bolivia has been doing well. Right? The economy
has been booming. Poverty is down. Income inequality is declining. So the question is, why did President Morales
get pushed out of office? Well, people like Donald Trump
and Marco Rubio are saying that Bolivians forced
President Morales out because he was trying
to stay in power for too long. He was trying to get
a fourth term. But people like
Bernie Sanders and AOC argue that Morales
never broke any laws– the Bolivian military
is just overthrowing a popular socialist leader. And I don’t know who to believe. ‘Cause I get what Bernie
and AOC are saying, but on the other hand,
who knows more about international affairs
than Donald Trump? -(laughter)
-All right, so… now another South American
country has a power vacuum. And no matter what you think
of Evo Morales, it’s not good for a country
to be leaderless. It’s chaos. Right?
I mean, could you imagine, like, if that happened
in America, like, just Trump just, like,
disappeared, just went away? -(cheers) -Okay, you know what?
Maybe that’s a bad example. No. No. No, no. (cheering continues) No. No. (cheering, whistling) Any other country.
Any other country, then. -(laughter) -I feel like
Trump’s the only leader that could just disappear,
and everyone would be like, “Wow, this actually works better
without him.”

Bill Gates Wants to Reinvent the Toilet | The Daily Show


CHIENG: Bill Gates:
he’s rich, he’s brilliant, and apparently,
he’s out of his mind. This is a container
of human feces. CHIENG: Why is one
of the richest men in the world carrying a jar of his own shit? I went to Seattle to find out what’s wrong with Bill Gates. Mr. Gates,
it’s a huge honor to meet you. Just a quick question. What the (bleep) is wrong
with you? I mean, are you okay? Yeah, I’m great.
Love what I’m doing. Okay, so why are you carrying
around your own poop in a jar? I did, uh, have a beaker
of human feces when I was explaining
why we need a reinvented toilet. You don’t need to reinvent
a toilet. We shit in it,
then we push a button, then the shit disappears.
It’s perfect. Well, toilets are something
we take for granted, but billions of people
don’t have them. Even in these growing cities
in poor countries, they can’t afford
to build sewers, and that causes diseases. And so we have to come up
with a very different way of taking care of that waste. CHIENG: And because so much
of the world lacks a sanitary place to poo,
Bill launched the Reinvent the Toilet
Challenge. It funds scientists
to redesign toilets that don’t need a sewer system. We put several hundred million
into this -to show that it can be done.
-Wait, sorry, hang on. You put several hundred million
dollars into toilets. Giving it away, you bet. CHIENG:
Oh, my God. Is Bill Gates literally flushing his fortune
down the toilet? To find out, I flew all the way
to University of South Florida, where Professor Daniel Yeh
and his team are using Gates’ funding to make some sort
of magic poop box. So, what we have here,
essentially, is a miniature version of
the wastewater treatment plant, and we can put this anywhere
in the world. In the bioreactor,
we have microorganisms. They, uh, eat the poop
and turn it into clean water. Okay, why do the microbes
eat the poop? The microbes eat the poop
because that’s what they do. Did you ask them
if they want to do that? Well, uh… Yeah, why don’t you give them
a muffin or something? Maybe they’d like a muffin. Uh, okay,
I’ll make a note of that, but, um, when you show them
the poop, they love it. Despite his crazy talk, there’s
just something about this guy. I don’t know what it is,
but I trust him. So I decided
to give his machine a try. ♪ ♪ (exhales) So, normally, uh, we would have
a block of toilets, right, and then the waste from
the toilets would come here, it’ll go into the machine,
and then, using solar power, we can turn the poopy water
into clean water. -So, you stand by this?
-Yeah. Well, prove it. Okay. ♪ ♪ -Did it work?
-Yeah. Well, how many times
did it not work and you ended up drinking
your own shit? Well, it’s worked so well that, um, we’re actually working
with NASA. Astronauts have to poop, and we can turn that poop
into clean water and nutrients and even energy. -Wait, did you say “energy”?
-Yeah. The, uh, microbes
in the bioreactor make methane. That’s the same stuff
that’s in natural gas, and you can burn it. Bill Gates, you sneaky bastard. You just found
a filthy little back door into the most profitable
industry in the world, energy. You didn’t say anything
about energy! Yeah! One way to make it cheap to process the sewage
is to sell these outputs. You should open with that
next time. Don’t open with the “saving the
world, kids, and disease” thing. Open with,
“Yo, we’re making toilets that can convert shit
into energy.” We need to make these toilets
as expensive as possible, ’cause, based on my research, everyone poops. I mean, everybody. Well, unless we make them
super cheap, they’re not gonna get out
to the poorest who need them the most. Look, I know
you’ve made your money. Some of us here are still trying
to win this game. Well, if you have an idea,
let us know. I’ve got nothing but ideas
for this. -Okay.
-So, this is an iPad. -(chuckles)
-Great device. -I love using it. Um, so,
-Hey, hey, yeah. what’s the worst seat
on a plane? Next to the toilet. But what if every seat
was a toilet? Poop-powered planes. To keep the plane in motion, we have to keep shitting. High pressure, I know, but it gives the airlines
incentive to feed us. I-I’m not sure the numbers work. How ’bout this?
It’s a toilet that you shit in, and it powers a cannon
that shoots the shit out to my neighbor’s house. (laughing) Why are you laughing? That’s not legal. Listen, man, I’m up here
just trying to come up with ideas here
to save the world, okay? -What are you doing?
-Um… that’s what I’m doing. No, that’s what I’m doing. I’m here giving you ideas. All you’re doing
is shitting on them. Well, I don’t think… those ideas are-are ready yet. But we do have a lot of ideas that are in the field, uh, being tested in Durban. Trying to cover the 30%
of their residents that don’t have, uh,
great sewage processing. We are gonna completely change
the future. Everybody’s gonna have
a great toilet. Well, here’s to everyone
having a great toilet. Cheers. -(gulps, sighs)
-(sighs) Not bad. Now guess where that came from. You just drank my shit. How’s it taste? That’s a very successful process
there. It-it tasted like normal water. Good job. CHIENG:
Thank you, Bill. There’s more
where that came from. (laughter)

Trump vs. Trump: Kurds Edition | The Daily Show


– We do get along
great with the Kurds, we’re trying to help them a lot. The Kurds are very
well-protected, and by the way,
they’re no angels. Don’t forget, that’s
their territory. We have to help them,
I want to help them. These two countries
fight over land, that has nothing to do with us. They fought with us,
they fought with us, they died with us, they died. We lost tens of
thousands of Kurds, died fighting ISIS. We’re not gonna be fighting, we don’t want to fight anyway. I don’t think there’s
any reason to. They died for us and with
us, and for themselves. They’ve got a lot
of sand over there. There’s a lot of sand
that they can play with. We don’t forget, I don’t forget. It’s time for us to come home, we’re not a policing agent. I can tell you,
that I don’t forget. These are great people As I said, they’re not
angels, they’re not angels, if you take a look. (upbeat rock music)

The Government Shutdown Ends & Fox News Can’t Decide Whether Trump Won or Lost | The Daily Show


After 35 days of the longest
shutdown in American history, America’s government is
officially open for business. The shutdown is over. 800,000 furloughed
federal workers will go back to work today and should be getting
their back pay within days. TV REPORTER: That fix only opens
the government for three weeks, and it does not provide
any new money for a border wall as
President Trump had demanded. I am very proud
to announce today that we have reached a deal
to end the shutdown and reopen
the federal government. Okay, first of all, there’s
nothing to be proud of. Second of all, there’s not
really a deal. Like, have you ever noticed how
all of Trump’s accomplishments are just fixing things
that he broke? He’s like, “Folks, good news. I’ve freed the immigrant kids
from their cages.” “Wait, who put them in cages?” “Also me. “I’m glad to announce North Korea isn’t gonna
blow us up anymore.” “Wait, why were they gonna
blow us up?” “‘Cause I called him
a fat little rocket man.” (laughter and applause) And who can forget
when he dropped the White House bust
of Abraham Lincoln, but then he was also the one
who taped it back together. Yeah. And you can’t even tell
the difference. He’s like,
“I’m proud to announce “the refurbishment
of this Lincoln statue. “Sadly, it was not filled
with candy as I had hoped, folks.” So, the government shutdown
is officially over. Which is great, because federal workers
are getting paid again. The FDA can inspect food again, and the national parks
can finally clean up their trash and put it where it belongs:
the ocean. And although the shutdown ended, that doesn’t mean it hasn’t
left behind some lasting damage. The nonpartisan Budget Office
today estimated the last partial shutdown
cost the economy $11 billion, three billion of which
will never be recovered. The government shutdown
was particularly hard on contract employees. Those contractors
aren’t guaranteed back pay. The IRS is gonna be struggling to get returns out
to some Americans on time. It could take at least a year
to get back to normal after five million pieces
of mail went unopened. You know, life is so unfair. The IRS just gets to be like, “Oh, sorry.
We couldn’t do your taxes because we didn’t open
our mail.” But if we tried that… If we said,
“Oh, we didn’t file our taxes because we didn’t open
our mail,” now all of a sudden we’re
roommates with Wesley Snipes. And don’t get me wrong. I love Blade,
but not 24 hours a day. So, now, thanks to the shutdown, the IRS is behind, like, a year, which is bad news for everyone
except Trump. He’s probably gonna be like,
“Oh, that’s too bad. I was just about to have them
release my tax returns.” So, although
it was only 35 days, the government shutdown’s
effects will continue to hurt America
for a while. And maybe it would have been
all worth it for Trump if he had gotten some
of that sweet, sweet wall money, but he folded
with nothing to show for it. And even some of his strongest
supporters are admitting that Trump got owned
by Nancy Pelosi bigly. Some right-wing media analysts
have been merciless in the criticism
of President Trump. “Broken man.” “Biggest wimp.” “Trump just allowed Nancy
to walk all over him.” It’s clear
Trump did not come out on top. I’m not gonna spin it for you. She has just whipped the
president of the United States. -And this…
-No! No, no. Stop. Stop, stop. That’s a victory
for Nancy Pelosi. It will be perceived as such on every television monitor
and screen in the country, and to deny it is to try
to escape from reality. Damn. You know it’s bad when even Trump’s personal
cheerleaders are dunking on him. You understand these are the
people he watches every night to make him feel good
about himself, and now they’re trashing him. It’s like,
imagine if you had a book of inspirational quotes
that you used every day, and then one day you opened it, and it was like,
“Nigga, kill yourself!” That’s the pain
he’s feeling right now. (laughter) And you heard…
you heard what Lou Dobbs said. If you can’t acknowledge that Nancy Pelosi
whupped Trump’s ass, then you are not in touch
with reality. And honestly, I don’t know why Lou Dobbs delivered
this message on TV. He could have just posted a sign
in the Fox News breakroom. Anyone out there, by the way, thinking President Trump
caved today, you don’t really know
the Donald Trump I know. He right now
holds all the cards. He will secure the border
one way or another. I don’t see it as a cave.
I see this as a process. This is a halftime, uh, stop
in the action. So, did he cave? Did he not? The answer is
absolutely he did not cave. He did not cave. He made a tactical decision, a strategy decision to pick the ground to fight on. “To pick the ground to fight on! To pick the ground!” Yo, this… I’m sorry,
this is unbelievable. No matter what Trump does,
he’s always a mastermind who’s accomplishing
precisely what he wanted to do. Like, if Trump was boxing
and he got knocked out cold, like, Jeanine Pirro
would be like, “Brilliant. “Another strategic
consciousness pause “by President Trump. You can’t get knocked down
if you stay on the ground!” (laughter and applause) What a… But, look, if you ignore
the stans over at Fox News, it’s pretty clear this shutdown was a political disaster
for President Trump. It hurt the economy, it destroyed
his approval ratings, and, worst of all,
he’s not getting his wall. And remember,
Congress only has three weeks to reach an agreement
on border security before the government
runs out of money again. But the good news is… the good news is there probably
won’t be another shutdown. Because after seeing
how bad this shutdown went, like, only a true moron would think of shutting down
the government again, and no one…
no one is that stupid, right? We begin today
with the president’s acting chief of staff,
Mick Mulvaney. Is the president really prepared to shut down the government
again in three weeks? Um, yeah,
I think he actually is. My man.

Nepotism In and Around the White House | The Daily Show


The truth is,
your name could be a big reason that you get a leg up in life. Like, I know for a fact, I know the only reason
I got to where I am today is probably because
my great-great-grandfather built the Ark.
Like, I… you know? I accept that.
What can I say, man? My great-great-gramp,
he loved boats and watching animals (bleep). -(laughter)
-Now, with that said… That’s what he was doing
on the boat. Th-That’s… it’s normal. Now, with that said,
with that said, you can’t deny…
it’s not a good look that a Ukrainian company
hired Hunter Biden just months
after Joe Biden became the Obama administration’s
point man on Ukraine, because it looks very much
like he got this business because
of his father’s position. And I understand
why a lot of people would complain about that. What I don’t understand
is why these people are complaining about that. Let’s talk about
the double standard. What do you guys think
would happen if Donald Trump Junior went to China and came back with 1.5 dollars? No, no, not $1.5 billion, just 1.5 dollars. Can you imagine if I took
three cents from the Ukraine or four cents from China? I mean, it’s-it’s unbelievable. We gave up our entire business so my father could run
for president. We don’t do anything
overseas anymore. We gave up… We didn’t have to. Do you see me on any boards?
Do you see Don on any boards? Do you see Ivanka on any boards? Okay, first of all,
I’m not surprised nobody has put
Beevis and Forehead on any corporate boards. (laughter and applause) That’s-that’s not,
like, a… a scandal. That’s not a thing. I don’t even think they’re
allowed on diving boards. It’s just like, “No, Eric, “you’re jumping
off the wrong end. Jump into the wet part, dude.” And secondly, and secondly, if there was ever an example
of people who got opportunities because of their names,
it’s these two. I mean, Donald Trump Jr.
just got paid $50,000 to give a speech at a college. If he wasn’t Donald Trump’s son, why else would they
be asking him to speak, huh? To share his expertise
on bad beards, huh? Uh, or would it be more like,
“Ladies and gentlemen, “a man who once sat
on a tree stump. Don Jr.” He’s like, “So, what happened
was my bunions were acting up, “and there was no chair
in sight, “but then I remembered
someone once told me “stumps are okay to sit on. Thank you. Good night.” (laughter) Also, also, if Trump’s sons
are actually concerned, like, truly concerned about children of politicians
doing business overseas, then can someone
please explain to me why they’ve been doing this? NEWSWOMAN: Trump promised
no new foreign deals, but that hasn’t stopped
his family from continuing business
overseas. The Trumps have plowed ahead
with deals in India, Indonesia, Uruguay
and the Philippines that were already in the works
before Trump took office. NEWSWOMAN 2: By Wednesday,
Eric Trump will have gone to four countries
on Trump company business since January 1. In early January,
it was a trip to Uruguay for a glitzy party
to promote a new property. NEWSMAN: This morning,
Donald Trump Jr. is in India to promote Trump-branded condos
in two cities there. As a business,
we’re gonna continue to run. We have incredible assets
all over the world, uh, that we’ll continue
to operate and to grow. Yeah, that’s right.
Even with their dad in office, the Trumps are still growing
their business in places like India,
Philippines, Indonesia, Uruguay. They’re all over the world.
It’s like The Amazing Race with no running and no chins. Don and Eric are doing
so much international business, it almost feels like
Donald is just trying to not spend time with his sons,
you know? It’s almost like he’s like,
“Boys, I’ve got a new business for you to take care of.
It’s on Mars.” He’s like, “But, Dad, there’s
no way to get back from Mars.” “And I appreciate
your sacrifice. Bye-bye.” (laughter) And I know this is crazy to say,
I know this is crazy to say, but at least Donald and Eric are one step removed
from the presidency, because there are
other Trump children who are in business
and government. NEWSWOMAN: Jared Kushner
and Ivanka Trump’s roles in the White House opened up
another potential avenue for foreign influence. Officials
in at least four countries talked about ways
they could manipulate Kushner, in part by taking advantage of his complicated
business entanglements. NEWSMAN:
Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner took in as much as $135 million
in revenue last year. That includes almost $4 million
Ivanka Trump pulled in from her stake
in the family hotel here near the White House where diplomats
and foreign dignitaries spend big money. NEWSWOMAN 2:
Last year, China approved more than a dozen trademarks for Ivanka Trump-branded
products. The timing,
just as the U.S. and China were trying to restart
trade talks, raised eyebrows. Okay, come on. China approved
a dozen trademarks for Ivanka right as her dad was negotiating
trade deals with China? You can’t tell me
that’s not suspicious timing. I mean, it’s like
how right before Christmas, my mom said that
a horrible accident happened at Santa’s factory. Yeah. How do this… How does this
happen every year, Mom? Huh? They need to look into
safety regulations at the factory,
or I’ll never get my toys. And China does not mess around
with its trademarks. That would… That’s what
you have to understand. For instance, Michael Jordan
had to fight for four years to trademark himself. Yeah. The Chinese courts argued that this
was not Michael Jordan. Yeah. They were like,
“No, that could be anyone.” They were like, “Yeah,
I was jumping the other day. Who knows? That’s me.
That could be me.” That’s how crazy they are
about trademarks. And, I mean, that’s wild.
This would be like saying that this isn’t Don Jr. I mean, no one else has ever sat
on a stump like that. -(cheering and applause)
-We know who that is. Stump man, stump man, stump man. Now, let’s be clear.
Let’s be clear. I’m not defending Hunter Biden. I don’t know him.
I don’t know about his business. All I’m saying
is that the last people who should be talking
about the blurred lines of family names
and political influence are the people currently running
their home office from the White House.

LeBron James’s China Remarks, Gina Rodriguez’s N-Word Backlash & Google’s Pixel 4 | The Daily Show


The conflict
between the NBA and China over the Hong Kong protests
continued this week. But now, King James has stepped
into the fray. MAN:
In Hong Kong tonight, basketball superstar
LeBron James under fire, his famed jersey up in smoke. Furor growing over his response to this tweet sent
by Houston Rockets’ general manager Daryl Morey
earlier this month in apparent support of
anti-government protesters. JAMES: I don’t want to get
into a feud with Daryl. Um, with Daryl, uh, Morey. But I believe he wasn’t educated
on-on the situation at hand. MAN: Those comments setting off
a political brushfire here at home. Republican senators quick
to pounce. Rick Scott of Florida writing, “Clearly, King James is the one who isn’t educated
on the situation.” Nebraska’s Ben Sasse– “You’re parroting
communist propaganda. China is running torture camps,
and you know it.” Yes, LeBron James is getting
a lot of heat for not taking a stand against
China and their oppression, with people even burning
his jersey in Hong Kong. Which, by the way,
if the NBA kept statistics of most jerseys burned, I think
LeBron would dominate that, too. Yeah. Yeah.
Hong Kong burns his jersey. Cleveland burned his jersey. Miami burned his jersey. Like, forget Nike.
LeBron should get sponsored by Kingsford lighter fluid.
That’s what they should do. (laughter, applause) This guy’s been killing it
in every field. (applause) And you know, normally,
I would agree that NBA Players shouldn’t have
to know the intricacies of East Asia policy,
but at the same time, Dennis Rodman is basically the
U.S. ambassador to North Korea, so I don’t know
what the rules are anymore. I don’t know how it works. I also understand
why people think LeBron’s comments were
insensitive or misguided, but at the same time,
I get where he’s coming from. Yeah. ‘Cause the Houston
Rockets’ GM slammed China on Twitter when LeBron was
on his way to China. So LeBron was probably like, “Hey, man,
start this beef after I leave. What’s wrong with you, man?
I’m going there.” ‘Cause I would do
the same thing. Like, if you asked me in China what I thought about
China’s policies, I’d be like, “Uh, I think
China has policies? “And they are the policies
that allow me to fly home from China?” (laughter) All right, but let’s move on
to a more American scandal involving Gina Rodriguez. Some people have said that
the Latina actor has a history of making insensitive or condescending remarks
about black people. And yesterday, she did not
do herself any favors. WOMAN: Be careful
what you post on Instagram. Here is your fair warning because actress Gina Rodriguez
learned that hard way. ♪ Voodoo, I could do
what you do, believe me ♪ ♪ Niggas give me
heebie-jeebies… ♪ Now apologizing for using
the “N” word in a post. Hey, what’s up, everybody?
I just wanted to reach out and apologize.
I am sorry. I am sorry if I offended anyone by singing along
to the Fugees to a song I love,
that I grew up on. I love Lauryn Hill. And, um, I really am sorry
if offended you. Okay, here’s Trevor’s tip
of the day. If you insist
on saying the “N” word when you’re rapping along
with a song, uh, don’t do it on Instagram.
Yeah. Do it on The Masked Singer,
okay? Yeah. ‘Cause then,
people have to wait three weeks to see if they get
to be mad at you. Yeah. They’ll be like, “I think
that was T-Pain who said it, but if it was Donny Osmond,
his ass is in big trouble!” (laughter) I also think
rappers should help. Yeah. ‘Cause, like,
they make the songs. I think rappers could help
prevent these incidents from happening
in the first place, right? ‘Cause think about it. Rappers already make songs
that are safe for radio. I think now they need to make
versions of their songs that are safe
for non-black people. Yeah. They can just, like,
replace the “N” word with something safe
like-like, “my friends.” You know what I mean? Yeah,
just change it. Just like… ♪ And if you don’t know,
now you know ♪ ♪ My friend. ♪ (laughter) It’s a lot safer for everyone. (applause) They should just do it,
to, like, every single song. ♪ Ball so hard,
m… wanna fine me ♪ ♪ First my friends
gotta find me? ♪ And finally, some tech news
that’ll change the way you make obscene gestures
at your phone. NEWSWOMAN: Google’s newest phone
works without even touching it. The Pixel 4 was unveiled
at an event in New York City. Like Apple’s iPhone,
users can unlock the Pixel with their face, but the
feature getting the most buzz is gesture control. So let’s say you’re driving,
listening to music, and you want to advance
to the next track– you don’t like that one–
or you want to go back and listen to it again… Google is hoping the new tech
will lead to more sales in the highly competitive
smartphone market. Wow! The first phone that will turn everyone
into a magician’s assistant. Call Mom. (laughter) This really is
amazing technology. You can open your phone
just by waving at it. No one’s ever had
this technology– except the front door
of a Walgreens. -(laughter)
-Never have we seen it before. You know what’s weird is,
how, like, the way we unlock our phones is evolving. Right? Because first
we had to type in a code, and then we just had
to pick it up and look at it. Now we can just wave at it
without touching it. It feels like we’re, like, slowing breaking up
with our phone. Like, we’re just moving away.
The next one will let you unlock your phone be being like,
“It’s not you. It’s me.” You know who
I also feel bad for? Bernie Sanders. Yeah.
He shouldn’t get this phone. He’s gonna be setting
that thing off all the time without meaning to.
It’s just gesture control? He’s gonna be like,
“And that’s why we need to take on
the one percent.” -“Calling the one…”
-“No, no, no, I’m not calling! I’m not calling!
Cancel! Cancel!”

So Much News, So Little Time: Trump Scandal Lightning Round | The Daily Show


If you were keeping up
with the news today, you probably know that it was,
uh, more chaotic than Free Cocaine Day
at Dave & Buster’s. And, personally,
I’m disappointed, because we had
a whole show planned, and it was gonna be
a great show. You know? We figured out
who killed Jeffrey Epstein, but we had
to throw it all out the window because there was so much
breaking news, too much news, in fact. Luckily, though, too much news
is just the right amount of news for a segment we call
Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That. -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause) If you’re friends
with a government ethics expert and you’re wondering why
their head randomly exploded into little pieces today, it’s probably because
they saw this. President Trump is hosting
a major meeting of world leaders next year at his Miami area
resort and golf property. Next year’s G7 summit
will take place at the Trump National Doral
in Miami. The move is raising questions
about whether hosting this large event at one
of the president’s businesses is a violation of ethics rules. Wow. That is crazy. The president is making
world leaders hold a giant event at his own resort? Like, it really seems
like there’s nothing Trump wouldn’t do
to profit off the presidency. Like, I bet you
he’s gonna be outside his own impeachment trial,
just scalping tickets. He’s gonna be standing outside
there. He’s like, “Tickets, tickets. “Who needs tickets
to my impeachment? “You want some tickets?
Best seats in the house. Come on, y’all.
Right next to me.” And also,
if I was a world leader, I wouldn’t want
to stay at Trump’s resort. I don’t trust him.
I don’t trust him. Like, Trump would probably sneak
into your room to try and find dirt
on Joe Biden. Yeah. He’d just be, like, at the door,
like, “Housekeeping! “Oh, did someone leave
these files on the floor? I’ll get rid of it for you!
Basura. Basura.” (laughter) Now, on a normal day
in a normal presidency, we would spend all our time
talking about how shady it is that Trump is forcing world
leaders to host the G-7 Summit at his golf club
that he makes money from, especially considering
how he always brags about how he doesn’t profit
from the presidency. But today’s not a normal day, and this is not
a normal presidency, because while
he’s inviting foreign leaders to his Miami golf club, American leaders are
storming out of the White House. MAN:
Shortly after a House vote where more than 100 Republicans
joined Democrats condemning the president’s abrupt withdrawal
of U.S. troops from Syria, a heated confrontation
inside the White House. That clash between President
Trump and top Democrats spilling out onto the steps
of the West Wing. I pray for the president
all the time. I think now
we have to pray for his health, because this was
a very serious meltdown on the part of the president. MAN: President Trump hitting
back, accusing Democrats of storming out,
using the same language as Pelosi against her,
tweeting, “She had a total meltdown
in the White House today. “It was very sad to watch.
Pray for her. She is a very sick person.” -(audience groans)
-Aah. Okay. I know you are,
but what am I? (laughter) I like how
when Trump is insulted, he just steals that insult
verbatim with zero shame. Like, maybe
this is how you trick him into getting out
of the White House. You just be like,
“I’m sick of you! I resign.” “No, I’m sick of you. I resign. Aah! Damn it. No.
Wait, wait, wait.” (applause and cheering) Also… also, it’s funny
how they’re fighting, but they both say they’re gonna
pray for each other. You know what they remind me of? They remind me
of those old church ladies who act really nice in public, but then,
pray-insult each other. They’ll be like, “Dear Lord,
please give me the strength “not to whack this fool
up side the head. “And if I did, Jesus, please
give this woman some sense before I whip her ass
like the father she never had!” (laughter) Now when the day started,
it seemed like we were gonna spend all our time
talking about the beef between Trump and the Democrats,
but we didn’t have time to talk about the beef, because then news broke
about the Turkey. MAN:
Breaking news in Turkey. The United States says
it has helped to broker a five-day cease-fire involving Turkish forces
in Northern Syria. Vice President Mike Pence
making that announcement today after meeting with Turkish
president Recep Erdogan. MAN 2: Today in Texas, President
Trump called the cease-fire, “an amazing outcome.” The Kurds are very happy,
Turkey is very happy, the United States is very happy. And you know what? Civilization is very happy. It’s a great thing
for civilization. Yes, civilization is very happy. Centuries from now,
historians will look back at the greatest achievements
of all time– the development of democracy,
the invention of electricity and the time Trump negotiated
a really short cease-fire in a war
that he basically started. Ah, yes,
what a great achievement! (applause and cheering) It’s civilization. And you know what?
If we had the time, we would be discussing
how disingenuous it is of Trump to claim
that this is a peace deal when, in fact,
the Kurds just got screwed over, because the deal is
that they have five days to leave the land,
and then Turkey gets the land. That’s the deal. Yeah.
Doesn’t sound like a deal. Sounds like the kind of deal
I had with my high school bully. I would give him my lunch money, and he would give me
a black eye. Win, win. Yeah. But unfortunately, we don’t have
the time to talk about that. Because while Turkey is getting
the Kurds out of Syria, the Democrats are trying to get
Trump out of the White House. And today, the latest witness
in the impeachment inquiry was dropping bombs like
he was invading the Middle East. In the impeachment inquiry,
Gordon Sondland is a key witness. In his opening statement,
he said President Trump told
U.S. officials to talk directly to his personal lawyer
Rudy Giuliani about U.S. policy in Ukraine. And he said
he didn’t know until later that Giuliani’s agenda included pushing Ukraine
to investigate Joe Biden. And he says
that throughout this time, he was working
to-to get Ukraine to advance an investigation
into corruption, into Burisma. He had no idea
that that meant Joe Biden. He had no idea
that that meant Hunter Biden. (laughing):
Oh. Oh, this is slick from Sondland. He’s now saying that he did
put pressure on Ukraine, but he didn’t know it had
anything to do with Joe Biden. You see what he’s doing. He’s trying to distance himself
from what Trump did. Yeah, he’s basically like, “I didn’t know
it was a bank robbery, guys. “I just went in with my friends,
I gave the bank teller a note, and they gave me the money.” It’s like, “Really? You didn’t
know it was a robbery? Then why were you wearing
a mask?” “I just thought
we were all cold! I thought we were all cold!” I honestly wish we had more time to go through Ambassador
Sondland’s full testimony, because he had a lot to say. But Mick Mulvaney,
Trump’s chief of staff, and Excel spreadsheet
came to life– he came out, and he held
a surprise press conference, and shocked everyone
in the room. We’re following breaking news. A truly stunning admission
from the White House. Acting chief of staff
Mick Mulvaney directly contradicting
President Trump on a quid pro quo with Ukraine, saying hundreds of millions
of dollars in U.S. military aid was tied to an investigation of Democrats
in the 2016 election. MAN: So the demand for an
investigation into the Democrats -was part of the reason that
he ordered… -It was on the… …to withhold funding
to Ukraine? The-the look back
to what happened in 2016 certainly was-was part
of the thing that he was worried about
in corruption with that nation. -And that is absolutely
appropriate. -Withholding the… MAN: What you just described
is a quid pro quo. We do that all the time
with foreign policy. And I have news for everybody.
Get over it. There’s going to be political
influence in foreign policy. Okay, hold up. Hold up. Trump has said
on multiple occasions, “No quid pro quo of any kind.” Now, middle-aged Harry Potter
is coming out saying that there was a certain type
of quid pro quo, but everyone must get over it? That’s it? Just get over it?
Everybody does it? So this is, what–
locker room corruption? Is that what this is? And I’m not gonna lie. This is
a twist I didn’t see coming. Yeah. It’s like the murder
suspect in a Law & Order episode confessing
in the middle of the… just, like,
in the middle of the scene. Just being like, “Yeah,
I committed the double homicide, “but the real question here is, “are you gonna be a little bitch
about it? Huh? “The person is dead.
Ain’t nothing gonna change. Now we gonna eat them or not?
What are we doing?” (applause) So in 24 hours, in 24 hours, we had Trump hosting the G-7
at his golf club, Turkey getting the greatest deal
of all time, no quid pro quo,
but also quid pro quo, a showdown in the White House, and we but didn’t even have time
to tell you that Rick Perry, who is tied
to the whole Ukraine scandal, abruptly resigned today.
And you know what? This might be the true genius
of Donald Trump. ‘Cause you realize
with one scandal, you get kicked out of office. But with seven in one day… ain’t nobody got time for that.