There’s a Horse In The Hospital | John Mulaney | Netflix Is A Joke


– Now I don’t know if you’ve
been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone, everywhere is super mad about
everything all the time. I try to stay a little optimistic,
even though I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky. Here’s how I try to look
at it, and this is just me. This guy being the president, it’s like there’s a horse
loose in a hospital. It’s like there’s a horse
loose in a hospital. I think eventually
everything’s gonna be okay, but I have no idea
what’s gonna happen next. And neither do any of you, and neither do your parents, because there’s a horse
loose in the hospital. It’s never happened before. No one knows what the
horse is gonna do next, least of all the horse. He’s never been in a hospital before. He’s as confused as you are. There’s no experts. They try to find experts on the news. They’re like, we’re joined now by a man that once saw a bird in the airport. It’s like, get out of here with that shit. We’ve all seen a bird in the airport. This is a horse loose in a hospital. When a horse is loose in a
hospital you gotta stay updated. So all day long, you walk around, oh, what’d the horse
do, what’d the horse do. The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. You’re like, the horse used the elevator? I didn’t know he knew how to do that. The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the horse at all. Like down in the
operating room, like, hey, has anyone, uh… has anyone hea– (makes clip-clop sounds). Those are those quiet
days when people are like, it looks like the horse
has finally calmed down and then ten seconds
later the horse is like, I’m gonna run towards the baby incubators and smash ’em with my hooves, I’ve got nice hooves and
long tail, I’m a horse. And it’s like, aw, that’s
what I thought you’d say you dumb fuckin’ horse. And then, then, then you
go to brunch with people and they’re like, there
shouldn’t be a horse in the hospital. And it’s like, we’re well past that. And then other are people are like, well if there’s gonna
be horse in the hospital I’m gonna say the n-word on TV, and it’s like, those
don’t match up at all. And then for a second it seems like maybe we could survive the horse, and then five thousand miles away a hippo was like, I have a nuclear bomb, And I’m gonna blow up the hospital. And before we could say
anything, the horse was like, if you even fucking look at the hospital, I will stomp you to death with my hooves. I dare you to do it. I want, I want you to do it. I want you to do so I can
stomp you with my hooves I’m so fuckin’ crazy. And he’s like, you think
you’re fuckin’ crazy, I’m a fuckin’ hippopotamus, I
live in a fuckin’ lake of mud, I’m fuckin’ crazy. And all of us are like,
okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, like poor Andy Cohen at
those goddamn reunions, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. And then for a second we were like, maybe the horse catcher
will catch the horse, and then the horse is like, I have fired the horse catcher. He can do that? That shouldn’t be allowed,
no matter who the horse is. I don’t remember that in Hamilton.

Hey! Republicans and the Intelligence Agencies


-Republicans have been
dismissing the Ukraine scandal involving President Trump
because the information comes in part
from whistleblowers and officials in
the intelligence community. The most dramatic example came from this interview
Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson did with Chuck Todd on Sunday. -The American people want to — -So do you not trust
the Ameri– Do you not trust the FBI?
You don’t trust the CIA? -No, No, I don’t.
-I’m just very confused here. -Absolutely not. After
Peter Strzok and Lisa Page? -Okay.
-After James Comey? -You believe the FBI and the
CIA, the government agencies — -John Brennan. No, I don’t
trust any of these guys in the Obama administration.
I didn’t trust any of them. -You don’t trust them now.
Do you trust them now? -No, I didn’t trust them
back then. -So there you go. He says he
doesn’t trust the FBI or CIA, which brings us to a segment
we call “Hey!” ♪♪ Hey! Republicans, now that they’re
reporting Trump’s crimes, you suddenly question
the FBI and CIA? Would have been nice to hear
some of that skepticism during the War on Terror
when the government was going through
everyone’s phone calls like paparazzi digging through
Justin Bieber’s trash. “Damn it. It’s just cologne
and stupid hats!” When Trump is gone and Republicans go back
to liking the CIA, they’re going to have to
backpedal like crazy. “Oh, wait.
Oh, you were talking about the Central Intelligence Agency. I thought we were talking about the Culinary Institute
of America. Hate those guys. I don’t trust any chef who wasn’t trained
at Le Cordon Bleu.” And, hey, when the intelligence
agencies wanted more power to gather information
on American citizens, you guys literally called it
the USA PATRIOT Act, which, in case you forgot,
stands for the Uniting
and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept
and Obstruct Terrorism Act. And I just want to say any time something has a long,
convoluted name like that, you know it’s not going to
live up to the hype. It’s like when the movie
“The Assassination of Jesse James
by the Coward Robert Ford” came out. I mean, they should’ve
just called that [bleep] “Hottie with a Gun.” So Republicans love — They love
the intelligence agencies when they were abusing
their powers and trampling
on civil liberties, but now, suddenly,
they hate them because Trump
is being investigated. At this rate, they’re
going to have to pass an updated USA PATRIOT Act
called Uniting to Support A Pathetic
And Tarnished Red-faced Idiot Otherwise known as Trump Act. [ Cheers and applause ] And hey, hey, hey. Hey. Democrats. Democrats, side note here —
but just because they’re going after Trump now
doesn’t mean you need to become CIA and FBI
super fans. You can applaud and protect
the whistleblowers and think Trump
is a corrupt, lawless criminal who should be impeached
or removed from office without building a shrine
to James Comey. Although, I have to say,
if Trump does gets impeached, it would be pretty cool
if he was airlifted out of the White House
by a government drone. [ Laughter ] The bottom line is this — Republicans spent years
lecturing the rest of us not to question
the intelligence agencies even when they violated
civil liberties and abused their powers. And now they’re telling us not to trust
the intelligence agencies when they report crimes
committed by an obviously corrupt
president. Republicans, hey,
when you flip-flop like this, you look incredibly stupid. Almost as stupid
as Justin Bieber in a hat. This has been “Hey!”

Mehdi Hasan Is Relentless in His Interviews with Trump Proxies


-I’m so happy to have you here.
-Happy to be here. I want to start
by showing a clip for those who are here who maybe
aren’t familiar with your work. You interviewed —
What is he, you said? -A Trump campaign adviser. -Yes, in charge
of re-election, I guess. -Yes.
-And you interviewed him in a way that many have said, “This is the template
for talking to people within the Trump sphere,” and I just want
to show it real quick. Let’s take a look. -He said during the campaign that there’s six to seven
steel facilities that are gonna be opened up.
There are none. U.S. Steel has not announced
any facilities. Why did he say they’ve announced
new facilities? That’s a lie, isn’t it? -No, it isn’t, because there are
a lot of companies opening up. There are steel facilities
that are gonna be opening up. -No, no. Sorry.
Sorry, Steven. That’s not what he said.
I know it’s difficult for you. I know you want
to try and defend him. But let me read the quote
to you. “U.S. Steel just announced that they’re building
six new steel mills.” That’s a very specific claim. U.S. Steel have not announced
six new steel mills. They have said they’ve not
announced six new steel mills. There’s no evidence
of six new steel mills. He just made it up. -The American people
are doing well. -That’s fine. The American people
can be doing well, and the President can be a liar. There’s no contradiction
between those two statements. [ Cheers and applause ]
-So, well done. Do you think — I don’t want to — I don’t want to put you
inside his head, but do you think
he was unexpected for how prepared you were? What do you think
was happening there? -I think so. And to be fair
to Steve Rogers — that’s his name —
he’s a very nice guy and, you know,
good sport about it. But he does Fox News
most of his time. And if he does
do other cable news channels, it’s the same problem
everywhere. Unfortunately, interviewers
on U.S. television tend to have limited time,
limited resources, and just want to keep
moving things along. And when I interview people,
I try not to move along. I don’t want to move on. I want to stick to it
and try and get an answer. That’s my job. -Well, I think one of the things
you did that was so nice is, again, there’s so much
happening in the Trump campaign that, I think, oftentimes,
as an interviewer, you’re caught with, “I want to hit
11 different topics.” You stayed on one thing. -I was like, “The lies.
Let’s go with the lies.” There’s six and a half
thousand of them. I’ll pick three or four. -But, you know,
and that makes it — I think they are hoping
and waiting for you to move onto the next thing. -There’s a bit in the clip,
which you don’t see. He actually says to me
at the end, he goes, “Let’s just move on.
Ask me another question.” [ Laughter ] I’m not gonna do that. And the problem is,
look, most people would move on because it’s — it’s uneasy. It’s not easy to go up and to just keep asking someone
the same question. I don’t like doing it. You have to relentlessly
keep asking the same question, keep asking for answers,
not moving on, getting in people’s face —
That’s rude, right? Seth, you don’t want to be rude
to your guests. -Of course not.
-It’s socially awkward. And we’re taught
not to be like that. Although I’m British, I’m rude and socially awkward
to begin with. So I may have an advantage
over some Americans. -But what are the differences
that you’ve seen in how the U.K. press
and the U.S. press deals with power? -That’s a very good question,
and I think you guys — Definitely,
there’s a cultural issue. You guys had your revolution,
War of Independence. You kicked the Brits out. And yet, weirdly, you’re
more deferential to power, I would argue, than we are. You know, the President
walks into the East Room of the White House, and the White House press corps
stands up, which I find — British journalists,
for all their sins, would not stand up if the Prime Minister
comes into the room. They’d be lucky to even
pay attention sometimes. You guys have this thing
where it’s kind of Banana Republic-esque,
where you allow your politicians to have their
job titles for life. So, do you remember in 2012, it was Governor Romney,
Governor Romney. Governor of what?
His backyard? He hadn’t been governor of
Massachusetts for five years. Secretary Albright,
Secretary Clinton, Mayor Giuliani,
Ambassador Bolton. If anyone here lost their job, they wouldn’t get to keep
the title the next day. Why do you do that? Why do you do that
with your politicians? It’s weird.
I just don’t get it.

Lucy Boynton’s Audition for The Politician Was Terrifying


-You were in
“Bohemian Rhapsody,” which obviously had
an incredible year and a big awards season. And I heard you were at
the Golden Globes last year, and you got to fan out
on some other actors. Who were you most excited
to meet? -Well, I had to go in on my own,
which was terrifying. But then I saw Jodie Comer
and Phoebe Waller-Bridge. -Yes.
-And I just — -“Fleabag.” “Killing Eve.”
-I know. Well, this is the thing.
I’d only seen “Killing Eve.” And I — I mean, Jodie is such
a remarkable human being. So I kind of immediately
pounced on them, and they took me
under their wing. They were very kind. And we went
for drinks and stuff. But then, unlike everyone else
in the country, I hadn’t seen “Fleabag” yet. -Right.
-I hadn’t watched it. Two years later
than everyone else. Later. And was so mortified
that I hadn’t been, like, cooler around Phoebe.
-Right. You found out later
that Clark Kent was Superman. -I did. Yes.
-You’re like, “Oh! I just thought
he was a reporter!” -I should have acted
very differently. And don’t try and be funny
around people like that. -Oh, right, you didn’t realize
you were dealing with that. -Yes. Stay in your lane.
-I’m sure it was fine. I’m sure you did absolutely
fine. This is very exciting. In a couple weeks,
you’re gonna start filming the second season of this show. Do they give you a sense
of where it’s going to go? Or is that sort of under wraps? -I wish.
-Yeah, okay. -Well, we’ve had, like,
little tidbits here and there. We were kind of guessing
throughout season one where it would go,
and then, actually at the cast and crew screening
at Ryan’s house, we watched four episodes and went to the restaurant
nearby for much-needed wine and then watched the last four. But in that break —
And after he was saying, like, “Wouldn’t it be kind of crazy
if this happened?” And we’d all be like, “Well, you’re the one
with the pen, so…” It would be kind of crazy, so —
-Yeah, I mean, this is — This is Ryan Murphy,
for anybody who doesn’t know. And I would say
there’s no one who’s better at taking shows
into crazy places and making those crazy places
believable. -Yeah, and he’ll always
outsmart you. He’ll always be one step ahead. So anything that we’re guessing,
it will be that on acid. -You — This is —
This is an audition that you did not think
went well for you. -No. No. It was
really terrifying, I think. Just — He’s such
an unreadable person. And that’s all part of his kind
of thing that makes him so cool. But then, also, like, I think auditioning in America
is a very different thing. Brits are all very kind of, like, understated and,
“That’s fine. Leave.” Whereas in America,
everyone’s very effusive and kind and enthusiastic,
and so that was just kind of — -Oh, gotcha. So he was a little
England in the United States. He had a little —
-He’s just too cool. His own thing.
-Yeah. So that was that. And then I was — I —
It went by so quickly. So then I kind of —
It was done, and I left. And I turned right.
And I turned right again. And walked straight
into the bar next door. -Oh, great. It’s very nice
when they audition near a drinking establishment. -It is so considerate.
-Yes. That’s very kind of them. -Noting that for
all casting directors. -From the clip, for those
who haven’t seen the show, you can tell this is not
the warmest of characters that you’re playing.
-Quite. -And I’d heard that your sister
takes credit for this. -She does. For both kind of being
very familiar with that face and also inducing it,
as well, I think. -Gotcha.
-Yeah. When you weren’t allowed
to be mean to each other and you’d just kind of
make that Astrid face over the kitchen table. But, also, it was really —
it was fun. It was liberating
playing someone like that. Like, as a Brit,
I think we’re so apologetic. Like, if you bump into me,
I’ll apologize. -Right. -Then you kind of, as Astrid,
have to shed all of that, and she wears her anger
on her sleeve. -Do you feel like you might
adopt this in your real life? -I think I did a bit.
-Yeah, I think you’re very — You’re very good at it.
-I think I did. When we were filming,
I was like, “Well, no,
she’s very confident, so it feels very good to adopt
some of her confidence.” And then I would catch myself
kind of making her face or snapping something. It was like, “Oh, okay, we need
to reel that back in a bit.” -It’s a fantastic show. I’m so
excited there’s another season. And it’s just so lovely
to meet you. Thank you so much
for being here. -Thank you.
-Lucy Boynton, everybody.

Pro-Brexit Politician Boris Johnson Elected as the UK’s Prime Minister


-Let’s get to the news. Well, today, the U.K.
finally answered the question, “If your friend jumped off
a cliff, would you?” Pro-Brexit politician
Boris Johnson was officially elected
today to become the U.K.’s next prime minister. Great. In 70 years, the U.K.
has gone from Winston Churchill to a roadie for Spinal Tap. President Trump continued
his attacks on minority congresswomen today,
tweeting that, “AOC plus three
are a nightmare for America.” Although, technically for Trump, anything that involves math
is a nightmare. [ As Trump ] AOC plus three.
How do you… How do you add letters
to a number?” [ Normal voice ] Several bars
in Washington, D.C., will open early tomorrow so
people can watch Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s
congressional testimony. So by dinnertime, you’ll be just
like the Mueller Report — mostly blacked-out. [ Cheers and applause ] According to a new poll,
despite Senator Elizabeth Warren having a 67% approval rating,
just 4% of voters say they see her as likable. Now let’s see what happens when we change her name to
Warren Elizabeth. Oh! Okay.
That’s very interesting. The FDA has released a new
anti-teen-vaping ad that features a street magician
performing a trick that turns e-cigarettes
into traditional cigarettes. Because if there’s one group
of people teens will definitely listen to,
it’s street magicians. [ Cheers and applause ] Macy’s is being accused of
fat-shaming customers after its flagship store in
Manhattan began selling plates with marked rings,
indicating serving sizes with names like mom jeans,
favorite jeans, and skinny jeans, not to mention this giant tub
that says “dad jeans.” [ Applause ] According to new data, the
highest-paying job, on average, in New York is anesthesiologist,
because it’s the state with the highest
concentration of people who don’t want to feel anything. Producers at Warner Bros.
have struck a deal with Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf
to offer special items based on characters from
the sitcom “Friends,” including the Joey, which is
a mango cold-brewed tea, the Rachel,
which is a matcha latte, and the Ross,
which is the bathroom key. [ Cheers and applause ] That’s right — producers have
struck a deal with Coffee Bean to offer
special items based on the characters
from “Friends.” Unfortunately,
they have nothing for you if you take your coffee black. [ Audience groans ]

Trump and GOP Melt Down Amid Ukraine Scandal, Impeachment: A Closer Look


-The President is accusing
Democrats of treason as Republicans flail in their attempts to
defend him from impeachment. For more on this,
it’s time for “A Closer Look.” ♪♪ After more than two years
of serially abusing his power as president, using the office
to enrich himself, welcoming the interference
of foreign governments, and inflicting human-rights
abuses on migrant families, Donald Trump probably thought
he got away with all of it. He was like Patrick Swayze
at the end of “Point Break,” except instead of
a cool-ass surfer, he looks like a guy
who tried to hide a huge wave, fell off his board, and then
just washed up on the beach. [ Laughter ] This afternoon, Trump spoke to
the media in the Oval Office, and you can tell he’s totally
out of ways to defend himself because now
he just keeps insisting that he didn’t do anything wrong on his call
with the president of Ukraine. -We have a whistleblower that reports things
that were incorrect. As you know — and you probably
now have figured it out — the statement I made
to the president of Ukraine — a good man, a nice man, new —
was perfect. It was perfect. -I like how he just throws in, “You probably have
figured it out,” like they’re all on his side. Like, in Trump’s mind,
reporters are out there pounding the pavement,
digging for clues, marching into their
editor’s office going, “Chief, I got the scoop
of the year. Put it on the front page.
The call was perfect.” Now reality
is catching up with Trump as Democrats move forward with
their impeachment inquiry and support for impeachment
rises in the polls. And in response to all that, Trump is predictably
losing his mind. -The President leading his own
defense on Twitter overnight lashing out,
saying that Adam Schiff should be tried for treason,
even suggesting the possibility of civil war
if he’s impeached. -Trump even quotes
a Fox News guest who predicted a “Civil War-like fracture”
would result from the inquiry and calls for Chairman Schiff
to resign. -“In addition, I want to meet
not only my accuser, who presented second-
and third-hand information, but also the person who
illegally gave this information, which was largely incorrect,
to the whistleblower. Was this person spying
on the U.S. president? Big consequences.” -“Representative Adam Schiff illegally made up a fake
and terrible statement pretended it to be mine as the most important part of my
call to the Ukrainian president, and read it aloud to Congress
and the American people. It bore no relationship
to what I said on the call. Arrest for Treason?” -Honestly,
thank God he’s a moron. He’s threatening the collapse
of American democracy, and he says it like
he’s offering hors d’oeuvres at a party. “Can I get you
a bacon-wrapped dates? Some arrests for treason? Or maybe you’d like
our Obama Netflix?” [ Laughter ] But this is dangerous. The President is threatening
arrest and imprisonment for people who dare to
investigate his abuse of power. The only thing stopping
our system from collapsing is that everyone
just ignores him. We’ve all gotten to the point
where we have to treat the President
of the United States like a guy taking a [bleep]
in the subway car. At some point,
everyone’s just gonna move to the other end of the country. [ Cheers and applause ] By the way, the President accusing a sitting congressman
of treason simply for investigating him is
itself an impeachable offense. He keeps stacking offenses
on top of impeachable offenses. He’s making a Scooby sandwich
of crimes. “Scoob, we’re about to
get impeached! We gotta get outta here!” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] It was a… It was cartoon that aired
when my writers were young. [ Laughter ] And as Trump was melting down
this weekend, the White House
was dispatching allies to the Sunday shows
to try to defend him. Let’s start with the creepiest
member of Trump’s staff, White House senior policy
advisor Stephen Miller. [ Thunder crashes ] [ Women cackling evilly ] [ Laughter ] Miller went on “Fox News Sunday”
right after Fox reported that Trump had been in contact not just with his personal
lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, but with two other
private attorneys to dig up dirt from Ukraine. Fox host Chris Wallace
asked Miller why, if it was such
a legitimate inquiry, Trump didn’t go through
official channels, and Miller had no answer. -Why did he use
three private lawyers to get information on Biden
from the Ukrainian government rather than go through all of
the agencies of his government? -Two different points.
Number one — -How about answering
my question? Stephen, I’m asking you
a direct question. Why did the President
use private attorneys rather than go
to the State Department? If you don’t know,
that’s an acceptable answer. -There’s two issues
that were brought up — -I’m now asking two issues.
Why did he do it? -Chris, I understand. I understand that you have your
question. I have my answer. There’s two issues that were
brought up on the phone call. -You have your nonanswer.
It doesn’t work. -Damn. Damn, Chris. Be careful. If you anger him too much, he’ll
sneak into your room at night, bite you on the neck, and turn you
into whatever he is, which I guess is a… hairless cat? [ Laughter ] Then there was Ohio Congressman
Jim Jordan, who went on CNN
to repeat a bunch of debunked conspiracy theories
about Joe Biden. Now, the short version
of what you need to know here is that the Obama administration
and most of the West called for a Ukrainian
prosecutor to be fired because he wasn’t doing enough
to investigate corruption. That prosecutor was not
investigating Biden’s son
at the time, and yet Jordan kept
repeating the lie anyway until CNN host Jake Tapper
had enough. -He’s getting paid $50,000,
and then when the company that’s paying him that money
is under investigation, guess what. Daddy comes
running to the rescue. The vice president
of the United States — -That’s not what happened. Sir, sir.
That’s not what happened. -I’m just telling you
what happened. Joe Biden… -No, you’re not.
-…called up and said, “Fire this prosecutor,
or you’re not getting…” -No, you’re suggesting that
Biden called for the prosecutor to be fired to protect his son.
That’s not what happened. Joe Biden was trying
to get a prosecutor who was not pursuing corruption
fired. -It’s amazing the gymnastics
you guys will go through to defend what — -Sir, it’s not gymnastics.
It’s facts. -It’s fun to see Jake Tapper
tell an actual congressman, “This isn’t gymnastics.”
“What? It isn’t? I was about to tell a lie while doing
a handstand on a pommel horse.” Sunday was filled
with Republicans flailing in one interview
after another because they have
no convincing answers for the President’s behavior. Of course, Rudy was
in the middle of it, as he always is. Now, given that
he was the key figure relaying information
between Trump and Ukraine, today three different
House committees subpoenaed him. On Sunday, Rudy was asked if he would comply
with such a subpoena, and his answer, as usual,
made no sense. -Are you going to cooperate with the House
Intelligence Committee? -That is a question that has
a lot, a lot of implications. Believe it or not,
I’m an attorney. -I do not believe it. I think — I think
you are a bunch of body parts sewn together and brought
to life in a laboratory, and maybe, just maybe, some of the body parts
were from attorneys. But, by far, my favorite
Republican dumb guy from the Sunday shows yesterday was House Minority Leader
Kevin McCarthy, who did an interview
with “60 Minutes.” McCarthy was asked about the
notes from Trump’s phone call with the president of Ukraine.
Now, in these notes, the president of Ukraine
expressed an interest in getting more military aid
from the U.S., including anti-tank weapons
called Javelins. And immediately after that,
Trump said, “I would like you
to do us a favor, though.” And when McCarthy was asked
about that exchange, which seems like
an obvious quid pro quo, he tried a very dumb defense
that did not work. -What do you make
of this exchange? President Zelensky says, “We are almost ready
to buy more Javelins from the United States
for defense purposes.” And President Trump replies, “I would like you
to do us a favor, though.” -You just added another word.
-No, it’s in the transcript. -He said, “I’d like you
to do a favor, though”? -Yes, it’s in
the White House transcript. -I mean, it’s ama– I love that his genius defense
was, “You added a word.” And it wasn’t even true. Also, which word
in that sentence does he think if you took it out
would suddenly make it okay? But my favorite part
of the interview came next when “60 Minutes” host
Scott Pelley asked McCarthy how he planned
to defend the President. -How do you expect
the President’s defense to roll out going forward? -The defense of what? -Well, there’s an
impeachment inquiry. [ Laughter ] -[Bleep]. He’s like a kid who’s stumped
during a spelling bee. “Impeachment? Uh, can you
use it in a sentence?” “Impeachment.
As in, the President is about to go through
impeachment.” “Okay. Can you, uh… Can you spell it?” Trump and his allies
can’t defend their behavior because there is no defense. What happened here
is very simple and obvious. The President asked
for a quid pro quo, the White House
tried to cover it up, and they got caught.
That’s it. So now Trump is just lying
about the whistleblower, whose report was deemed credible
and urgent and corroborated by the notes
from the call itself. Today, Trump tweeted, “The whistleblower
knew almost nothing. Its second-hand description
of the call is a fraud.” Oh, so now
you’re suddenly concerned about second-hand information, because you’re the guy
who tweeted, “An ‘extremely credible source’
has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s
birth certificate is a fraud.” You just made that fake source
up for a racist lie. Trump likes to think
he’s a whistleblower. That’s why his lips
always look like that. But in reality,
he’s just eating the whistle. “It’s pretty cool, actually, because now when I fart,
it sounds like this… [ Whistle blows ] [ Laughter ] There’s another one
coming soon.” In a way, we’re lucky that these
guys are incompetent morons because now rather
than sticking together and coming up with a coherent
and believable defense, they’re all pointing fingers
at each other, trying to blame one another
for what happened with Ukraine. Like Rudy, you know,
the guy who always looks like he just woke up in the middle
of every interview. I mean, look at him. He looks
like an animatronic robot in Disney’s
Country Bear Jamboree who magically comes to life
when you ask him a question. Now, last week,
Rudy went on Fox News and said it was actually
the State Department that instructed him
to pressure Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden,
even holding up his phone to show the calls
from the State Department. And then on Thursday night,
he went on Fox News again and showed everyone
his text messages with a State Department official
named Kurt Volker, who had instructed him to meet
with Ukrainian officials. -What is the significance
of these? And are you, Rudy, concerned that you’re unnecessarily
dragging his name into this? -Who? Whose name?
-Volker’s name. -He should step forward
and explain what he did. The whistleblower
falsely alleges that I was operating on my own. Well, I wasn’t operating
on my own. -I like that Rudy is trying
to smear the whistleblower by pointing out the crimes
they didn’t report. “The whistleblower says
I acted alone. Well, joke’s on them.
We had a whole team. It was like ‘Ocean’s 11’ but if they were dumb
and not handsome.” Then Rudy literally pulled out
his iPad — his iPad — and read the text messages
from Volker, the State Department official telling him to meet
with Ukrainian officials. -Well, here’s Kurt.
Here’s Kurt saying, “Great. I will tell Yermak, and he’ll
visit with you there. Thanks.” “Mr. Mayor, how was
your meeting with Andrei? Do you have time for a call?
Best, Kurt.” They were all over me
asking me to do it. I was happy to do it. -Oh, my God. Rudy, you’re
literally reading evidence against yourself
on national television. Look, I’m not a lawyer,
but here’s my best legal advice. Go back to sleep. There you go. Also, it’s never good
when a confused old man reads texts off his iPad. I mean, best-case scenario, it’s your grandpa
asking you how to advance to the next level
on Candy Crush. I want to buy more lives, but I keep accidentally
taking pictures of myself.” But the weirdest part
was when Rudy was asked about Republicans
like Utah Senator Mitt Romney, who had called the Ukraine
accusations troubling, and somehow ended up doing a
bizarre impression of Al Gore. -One time,
Bill Clinton asked me, “What’s this guy Romney like?” You know what I told him?
“He’s our Al Gore.” -All right.
Rudy, hold that thought. -What do you mean,
“hold that thought”? That’s not a thought.
That’s a spasm. I mean, look at him. It’s like how your grandpa
dances at a wedding. He looks like a guy
who’s duct-taped to a chair trying to break free… which is probably something
he’s actually done because I’m pretty sure after
he does one of these interviews, the White House tries
to duct-tape him to a chair so he can’t do another one. “Gotta get out of here, Rudy! You gotta get loose! Gotta go back on TV
and confess to crimes!” Now, today we found out
that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo was, himself,
on the call. These guys are all unraveling
and pointing fingers at each other because
everything’s coming out now. For example,
remember that infamous meeting Trump had with the Russians
in the Oval Office in 2017? That was the meeting where
he shared classified information and bragged about firing
former FBI director James Comey. Well, over the weekend,
“The Washington Post” reported that during that meeting,
Trump also told the Russians he didn’t care that they’d
interfered in the 2016 election, and then his aides tried
to cover that up, too. And then late this afternoon,
we found out he also asked the prime minister
of Australia to get involved. -President Trump has asked
another foreign leader — this time it was the prime
minister of Australia — to help investigate
his conspiracy theories around the origins of the now
complete, over, and shuttered Mueller investigation. From that “New York Times”
story, “President Trump pushed
the Australian prime minister during a recent telephone call
to help A.G. William Barr gather information for
a Justice Department inquiry that Mr. Trump hopes will discredit
the Mueller investigation. -It keeps happening.
Trump tells a foreign country he either wants them
to interfere in our elections or he doesn’t care if they do and then his aides
try to hide it. Honestly, I’m just shocked
we didn’t find out about it from a text message on Fox News. “Rudy, I told the Russians
I don’t care if they interfere
in our election. I also asked Australia
to help us out. And I tried to bribe Ukraine.
All of this is impeachable. Whatever you do,
don’t read this text message out loud on Fox News.” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] You can tell… impeachment is already having
an impact because rather than sticking together and coming up
with a coherent defense, Trump and his allies are running
through the dumbest excuses and pointing fingers
at each other. I don’t know if this
whole thing will end up with anyone getting taken away
in handcuffs, but if it does, at least we know
what that will look like. This has been “A Closer Look.”

House Democrats Subpoena Rudy Giuliani for Documents on Ukraine


-Let’s get to the news. House Democrats this afternoon
subpoenaed Rudy Giuliani for documents related to
his communications with Ukraine. Said Rudy, “Sure,
anything to help.” [ Chuckles ] I’m, uh — I’m kidding. He turned into
a bat and flew into a window. [ Laughter and applause ] Really? You subpoenaed
Rudy Giuliani for documents? Does this look like a man who keeps all of
his documents organized? His office probably looks like the first half
of a “Hoarders” episode. He probably already lost the
subpoena you just served him. House speaker Nancy Pelosi
told Democrats yesterday that their tone around
the impeachment inquiry must be, “prayerful, respectful, solemn, worthy
of the Constitution,” while President Trump told
Republicans their tone must be, “divorced dad at his son’s
Little League game.” [ Laughter and applause ] In a new interview
with “People” magazine, Hillary Clinton called
President Trump a, “corrupt human tornado.” I mean, that’s going
a little far. Human? [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] President Trump — President Trump tweeted a quote from a Fox News
contributor yesterday claiming that removing him
from office, “would cause a Civil War-like
fracture that will never heal.” Well, if it’s a civil war that would pit
brother against brother, then I’m all for it. [ Laughter and applause ] President Trump played golf
this weekend with Senator Lindsey Graham. Trump shot a 68. And Graham shot
anyone who said otherwise. [ Laughter ] A number of U.S. cities are set
to top record high temperatures this Wednesday.
It will be the hottest October since Party City introduced
sexy Bert and Ernie. [ Laughter and applause ] A record-breaking
40 inches of snow fell in Montana this weekend and — this is crazy —
just on one guy. [ Laughter ] A pub in Britain attempted
to break a Guinness world record this weekend by hosting
a so-called “Nigel night,” gathering 433 people named Nigel
in one location. The previous record
was 388 Nigels, which was set every other night. [ Laughter ] Sportswear brand Asics
issued an apology yesterday after video screens outside
one of its stores in New Zealand played pornographic videos
for several hours. Employees caught on after people
kept coming in to buy one sock. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] And finally, UCLA recently
received a $20 million donation to establish an institute
to study kindness. And the thank-you note suggests there’s still a lot of work
to be done.

Dr. Ben Carson Sent Rep. Katie Porter a Box of Oreos


-You were previously
a professor, you were a consumer protection
attorney, and you actually had —
when you were a student, you had Elizabeth Warren
as a professor. -Correct.
-What was Elizabeth Warren like as a professor?
-Terrifying. -Yeah.
-Yeah. So, I remember — My most
distinct memory is — I was a really good student,
and I was a teacher’s pet, so I sat in the front row,
I did all the homework, and multiple highlighters
were involved. One day, she asked a question,
and I had done the reading, so I put my hand in the air,
and she said, “Ms. Porter?” And I gave a great answer. Really.
-Yeah. I believe you. -And she said —
-You’re very convincing. -You shouldn’t ’cause she said,
“Come on, Ms. Porter! Think! Think!” And I remember wanting to cry
’cause I was thinking. I was thinking as hard as I
could, and I was just so wrong. But one of the things
Elizabeth taught me is to always go back
to those students who don’t get the answer right and to always believe that
people can learn, and I really tried this in
Committee. No matter how bad
the witness is, I try to believe that they can actually
know something about the subject
they’re testifying about. -That is sometimes very
challenging. You have come to a lot of
people’s attention — ours included — for being a very good questioner
of witnesses. Oftentimes, they are confused by
very simple questions. Is that a safe thing to say?
-Yeah. Some of them they’re —
like with Mr. Carson. -Yeah, Mr. Ben Carson. This is Dr. Ben Carson,
I should say, and he is running HUD, and you asked him a pretty
simple question someone who runs that
should know. Let’s take a look at his answer. -I’d also like you to get back
to me, if you don’t mind, to explain the disparity
in REO rates. Do you know what an REO is? -An Oreo?
-R — No, not an Oreo. An R-E-O. R-E-O. -Real Estate… -What’s the “O” stand for? -The organization. -“Owned.”
Real estate owned. [ Laughter ] -Now, in those moments… I should point out,
he is also a brain surgeon. He literally is a brain surgeon. …do you think to yourself,
“Oh, I can’t believe this”? -Well, I mean, I think with him,
there’s a preview to that where I started off asking about the interest rate
penalty differential between FHA and other servicers, and that didn’t really
go that well, so I was trying to walk it down,
and it was… That’s we said he got that look.
-Yeah. -That look that students give
you when they just have no idea. -Yeah.
-Maybe kind of like the look I gave to Elizabeth Warren.
-[ Laughs ] -So I was like, you know,
“REOs. You do know what –” -Do you think he had a moment of
excitement of like, “Oreos? I know that.”
[ Laughter ] -I don’t know.
But you know, he tried — At some point later,
he tried to say, “Well,
I didn’t really say Oreo.” He actually sent Oreos
to my office… -Yeah.
-…an hour after the hearing, and I was so frustrated because
what I want in these hearings is I want answers.
I don’t want cookies. I know how to find my way to
7-11 like everybody else. [ Laughter ] I just really want answers.

Latur, Paani & Politics – Shravan Nalgirkar | Marathi Standup Comedy | #bhadipa #sms


So I am from Latur in Marathwada. Anyone else from Marathwada? People between Aurangabad to Hingoli, make some noise. I can’t see you. Louder than that Wow. So many people! I think just for fun if I started to throw stones, 3 out of 10 will land on people from Marathwada tonight. Look closely at their faces & at mine. They are nearly similar. Gives away that we are from Marathwada. Its a very common face Your gas station attendant, newspaper delivery boy…Shravan: Its true brother. What to do? But people of Mumbai, please note that we are at an advantage. There are no North Indians in Pune & Aurangabad, because we are there. If you want more Maharashtrians in Mumbai, get people from Marathwada there. Back in Marathwada, people don’t greet each other with “Hi”, “How are you” etc because English & water, are both scarce there. We are taught basic English in school, that a “Hi” is to be followed with “How are you” but they never told us WE have to do it. I thought you need to hire someone to say “How are you” after you have said “Hi” So Latur has a major water scarcity. Earlier, when you said Latur, people would think of the easier exam pattern, now it resonates with lack of water. There is a Marathi phrase people use to show that they’re smart “I have drank water from 12 villages” That is not the case in Latur. We say – “I have drank water from 12 districts” Because when water is brought on tankers from Sangli to Latur, it must be crossing at least 12 districts Do you know why they take water to Latur in a train? No? I’ll tell you I am here for exactly that Had they taken water by road to Latur, not even a drop would have reached While you guys were protesting against toll taxes along with the MNS Our protest was that we wanted to pay toll & were begging the government to build roads MNS reminds me of my college days. Full of nostalgia Remember we used to observe a mass bunk? But there always used to be this one bugger, who used to sneakily attend college And sit on the first bench MNS is like that. They had 6 corporators. 5 left. 1 is still there I recently went to my native place & was shocked at what I saw there The roads are in such a bad condition with so many potholes, that some roads are under the forest department Once, my friends were playing hide & seek. I joined them. We were using the potholes to hide I met my childhood friend, Vikas, in one of those potholes Vikas, has no connection with any political party {Audience response} And Vikas is really smart. He is not an idiot I asked – “What are you doing here Vikas?” He said – “Nothing. I moved here for good.” Here? Yes. Here. People live in slums, I live in potholes I felt very bad that my friend was living in such a pitiable condition So I thought of doing something for him & went to the Saahib the next day I said – “Sir, my friend Vikas, poor chap, is living inside a pothole for the last 10-15 years” “We should get him out. It is our responsibility.” Saahib said – “Let it be. It is a pothole today. In 2 years it will be a well. Don’t we all need water?” Any discussion, ultimately ends at water It is that important for us Now 4G has reached everywhere This internet is like a mirror in a monkey’s hands Everybody has it, nobody knows what to do with it There are 2 cameras on the phone, takes only 1 picture My mother video calls me everyday I am like – Video Call? She doesn’t actually want to see me- she likes to see the water flowing from a tap.

Trump Lies About the Bahamas, Explains Bolton Firing: A Closer Look


-The President is lying
about refugees as he and his ex-national
security adviser, John Bolton, argue over whether Bolton quit
or was fired. For more on this,
it’s time for “A Closer Look.” [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ As we’ve established before,
Trump’s entire political career has been built
on racist conspiracy theories about immigrants
and people of color. Today, for example,
it was reported that the Trump administration
won’t give temporary protective status
to people from the Bahamas who fled Hurricane Dorian. And when he was asked about that
on Monday, Trump said this. -We have to be very careful. Everybody needs
totally proper documentation because, look, the Bahamas
has some tremendous problems with people going to the Bahamas that weren’t
supposed to be there. I don’t want to allow people that weren’t supposed to be
in the Bahamas to come into the United States, including some very bad people
and some very bad gang members and some very, very bad
drug dealers. -I’m sorry.
So you think gang members and drug dealers
snuck into the Bahamas then hid out there
and waited for a hurricane so they could eventually
pretend to be refugees and sneak into
the United States. “Psst! I need to get
this kilo of cocaine into the United States.” “No problem.
Just take it to the Bahamas and then wait five years.” The only people who have
ever been in the Bahamas who weren’t supposed to be
in the Bahamas are old people
who got on the wrong cruise. “I thought we were
going to Barbados!” Trump has always conflated
immigrants with criminals despite the fact
that immigrants commit crimes at lower rates
than native-born Americans. This is in many ways the central
lie of his political career, and he repeated it again
during a rally on Monday, even doing some crowd work with
the audience in North Carolina. -One of the biggest issues
in this election is, in fact, sanctuary cities. Sanctuary-city policies
that force prisons and jails to release criminal aliens directly into
your neighborhoods. “Get out. Go ahead.
Go into the neighborhood. [ Crowd booing ]
Go into…” What’s your neighborhood?
Where do you live? -Rutherford.
-What? Rutherford County. [ Cheers and applause ]
Okay. So, how do you feel about
having them release hardened, horrible criminals
into Rutherford County? I don’t think so. -Oh, they’re releasing
hardened criminals into Rutherford County? Are your aides on parole? I mean, seriously. Now… [ Cheers and applause ] Now he’s — he’s just
making up scary stories. He should hold his rallies
in the dark with a flashlight
under his face. He’s like a racist Stephen King. “Where do you live? Maine? How would you like it if they
released clowns into your sewers that bit your arms off?” In fact, Trump seems to be getting more into crowd work
at his rallies because after he had asked
people if they’d be cool with fictional criminals
rampaging through their streets, he polled the audience on a very complex, esoteric
policy question, a question that has vexed
and bedeviled academics for centuries, a question of such import
that it could very well define Trump’s presidency and this
country for decades to come. -What do you like better? “Made in America”
or “Made in the U.S.A.”? Go ahead. Wait. Ready?
We’ll go “Made in America.” Then “Made in the U.S.A.” What do you like better?
“Made in America”? [ Cheers and applause ] “Made in the U.S.A.” [ Loud cheers and applause ] Okay. -[ Chanting ] U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! -So I think we know that answer. -That might be
the single dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in… [ Cheers and applause ] …in, uh… Dumbest thing I’ve ever seen
in any arena, and I’m including the time
the Toronto Raptors mascot tried to skate down the stairs
and fell flat on his face. [ Laughter ] And, honestly, if at any point
this “Closer Look” bums you out, just Google “mascot fails.” It’s a lot of fun. In fact,
at the end of this segment, when it’s time for me
to do my little wrap-up summarizing how bad
everything is, we’re just going to put
some mascot fails over my shoulder
to keep you entertained. Before we do that,
that clip right there really feels like
Trump in a nutshell. False, performative patriotism, pretending
he’s making decisions, when all he really cares about
is branding himself. Before that rally,
he was probably up all night trying to crack that one
like Mozart writing a symphony. “Made in America? No? Made in the United States? No. Made in the U.S. of A? Damn it, Donald.
You can do this!” And the same empty symbolism is the hallmark
of Trump’s foreign policy. During the campaign, he lied and said he’d been against
the Iraq War from the beginning but also called himself the most
militaristic person ever and proclaimed his support
for a bunch of war crimes including torture,
taking Iraq’s oil, and killing the families
of terrorists. And, of course, he famously said his main adviser on
foreign policy was himself and that he got all his ideas
from watching television. -Who do you talk to for
military advice right now? -Well, I watch the shows. I mean,
I really see a lot of great — You know,
when you watch your show and all of the other shows and you have the generals
and you have certain people — -But is there somebody —
Is there a go-to for you? You know? Every presidential
candidate has a go-to. -Probably there are
two or three. -Since we have some dire
foreign-policy issues percolating around the world
right now, who are you consulting with
consistently so that you’re ready on day one? -I’m speaking with myself,
number one, because I have a very good brain
and I’ve said a lot of things. -Oh, my gosh. “I have a very good brain
and I’ve said a lot of things.” It sounds like they translated
rap lyrics into Japanese and then back into English
with outdated software. That sounds like
a tape recording a psychological profile
would play during a trial where the defendant
is pleading insanity. “I heard the defendant having
a conversation in his cell, and I asked him who
he was speaking with,
and he said this.” -I’m speaking with myself,
number one, because I have a very good brain
and I’ve said a lot of things. -“Defendant is legally insane.
Court adjourned.” [ Cheers and applause ] So, Trump says he gets
his foreign-policy advice from the shows, and, of course, in particular he was talking
about Fox News. That’s where he saw John Bolton, the former Bush administration
official and Fox News pundit who Trump hired last year as his third national security
adviser, which was horrifying because Bolton is
an unrepentant warmonger who has pushed for a regime
change in Iraq, Iran, Syria, Venezuela, and North Korea. In fact, a former Trump
administration official actually told “The New Yorker,” “John wants to bomb everyone.” And it’s dangerous
to have someone like that around Donald Trump because
Trump is very impressionable. If Marilyn Manson
had a show on Fox News, Trump would show up
to his next press conference with jet black hair
and a nose ring. It was always terrifying knowing
that an extremist neocon like Bolton had the ear
of an impressionable president who had no idea
what he was doing and who took his advice
from TV pundits. The relationship
was always weird. And yesterday, it came to an end
when Trump fired Bolton. Or maybe Bolton quit.
We don’t really know because, as usual, it happened
in the most chaotic way possible with Trump tweeting about it
and Bolton texting reporters while they were live on the air
reporting on his firing. -Trump announced he’d fired
Bolton this morning on Twitter, writing, “I informed John Bolton
last night that his services are no longer
needed at the White House.” -We’re just hearing
from Peter Baker that John Bolton
has texted him, as well, saying that he offered to resign
and resign today. So that version
is differing very much from the firing version
that comes from the President. -John Bolton just texted me.
Just now. He’s watching. -Can you read it?
-Yeah. He said,
“Let’s be clear. I resigned.” And I said,
“Do you mind if I say that? while you were talking,
and he wrote, “Yes.” So John Bolton has just told me,
texted me to say, “I resigned.” -This is insane. They’re all talking to each
other through the television. Trump is firing people
via tweet, Bolton is texting news anchors
on live TV to respond. It’s like if you were
watching a soap opera, and in the soap opera,
one of the characters said, “Oh, my God, John’s evil twin
is at home watching this, and he just texted me to say… he’s alive.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Today during a meeting
in the Oval Office Trump was asked about
his decision to fire Bolton and tried simultaneously
to criticize Bolton for his extremist views
while also insisting that he was tougher than Bolton, but he also specifically and
repeatedly went out of his way to criticize Bolton
for his role in the Iraq War. -What led you
to decide to part ways? -So, John is somebody that I actually got along with
very well. He made some very big mistakes, and, frankly,
he wanted to do things not necessarily tougher than me. John’s known as a tough guy. He’s so tough,
he got us into Iraq. And, you know, John wasn’t
in line with what we were doing, and actually in some cases
he thought it was too tough what we were doing. Mr. Tough Guy. You know,
you have to go into Iraq. Going into Iraq was something that he felt
very strongly about. So we’re right now in
for over $7 trillion into the Middle East. But he was very out there,
I can tell you, and wanting to have them do it. I thought it was
a terrible mistake. -If you knew all that then, why did you hire him
in the first place? This is like firing someone
for embezzlement when they had “embezzlement”
under “special skills” on their résumé. Now, again,
it’s absolutely a good thing that an extremist warmonger
like Bolton is gone, but it’s also bad that he was
even hired in the first place. So where does this leave us
as a nation? Allow me to summarize.
Cue the mascot fails. John Bolton
is an unrepentant warmonger who was hired by a president
who has no consistent world view when it comes to foreign policy,
or anything for that matter. All he has are the racist
conspiracy theories he concocts in his rotting brain and the paranoid
right-wing media apparatus that feeds him those theories and then disseminates them
to his base. Having Bolton in the White House
was a nightmare, but it’s just as terrifying to imagine
who Trump might hire next. I mean, who knows? If all he does is hire people
he sees on TV, he might as well go ahead
and pick this guy. [ Laughter ] This has been “A Closer Look.”