Ice T Addresses Why He Never Ate a Bagel Before Law & Order: SVU


-Before we get into
“SVU” stuff — congrats and everything — I want to talk about
Ice-T quickly. I don’t know
if you heard this, but there was a big… covfefe on Twitter about you
never having a bagel before. Never…
-Yeah, true. -You’ve never eaten a bagel? -I had never eaten a bagel. I’ve eaten one
since then. But what happened was,
on the show, they wanted me
to eat a bagel. I said,
“I don’t eat bagels.” So… [ Laughter ] But it was in the script. So, you know,
I just did it. -Yeah.
-So, then, somebody… But I acted like I ate it.
I didn’t eat it. So, then, on Twitter,
somebody goes, “Why that kind of bagel?” I said, “Because it was
in the script.” Then, they said,
“What’s your favorite?” And I said,
“I’ve never had a bagel.” And then, everybody lost
their Goddamn mind. [ Laughter ] And then, I said,
“I’ve never had coffee, either.” So, I don’t know why that’s
so hard for people to believe. -…two weird things.
One is that you’ve never had a bagel bef–
-Why? Why? Look. Look.
I’m from South Central. Could you imagine Snoop singing,
“Rolling down the street smoking indo,
eating some lox and bagels”? [ Laughter ] It don’t work.
-You never know. -That’s not how it
happened for me. It didn’t happen
like that for me. -I understand. But through your life,
you’ve been on sets. I’m assuming there’s food
on the sets. -There’s a lot of stuff
I won’t eat on the set. I just never ate one.
So, I ate one the other day. I did an actual commercial
for a dating site called “Coffee Meets Bagel,”
or something. And — and —
and basically, I ate one. And it tasted like —
one bite, it felt like I ate
a loaf of bread. [ Laughter ] Why would I eat
an unsweetened doughnut? I’m okay with it.
Coffee’s cool. I’m good.
I like jelly doughnuts. Let’s keep it moving. [ Laughter ] -It’s all wrapped up. -I know,
but I’m interested in this. What’s your thought
on coffee? Just so we don’t have to ever
talk about it again,
what was your thoughts — -Black coffee —
why would someone do that to themselves? Okay? [ Laughter ] They put some cream.
They put a little sugar in it. I got it. It’s cool. I prefer tea —
not because my name is Ice-T. I just prefer tea. [ Laughter ] Black people like sweet stuff,
just in case you didn’t know. We don’t drink unsweetened tea,
stuff like that. White people do that.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] Black people like
sweet things. -Yeah, but —
-Can I live? -Yes. You can definitely live.
-Can I live? -I don’t know why everyone
freaked out, either, but just, it sounded
very interesting. -Okay, talk to Mariska
about that other stuff. -Uh… Mariska… you’ve had a bagel before?
No, I’m just kidding. -I have to say — I couldn’t
believe that anybody cared. I didn’t understand why people
cared if Ice had a bagel or not. -It’s just fun.
-Is it? -It’s fun. -Have you ever had a sardine?
-Yeah. -I love sardines.
-Some people — My wife had never eaten
a cheeseburger till she was 31. And then, I go,
“‘Cause she was a vegetarian.” And they go,
“Oh, I understand.” [ Laughter ] Some old dumb — listen. Eat what you want to eat. -Oh, my gosh.
-I’ve eaten a lot of things. -I don’t think
you’re over it yet. [ Laughter ] -We brought a therapist
on to the show. -[ Mumbles ] Let’s talk about you guys,
first of all. What was your first impression
of Ice-T when you first met him? -Well, I was so nervous
to meet Ice-T, ’cause he was a rapper.
He was OG. He was, like, the man.
He was the rapper. And so — I didn’t even know
what OG meant back in the day. [ Laughter ] But I was excited about it. “The og is coming.
The og is coming.” -“The og.”
You don’t pronounce it — -It took you guys minutes.
-You don’t pronounce it “og.” -How do you mean?
How you mean? I’m not following. -You don’t pronounce “the og.” So, he came on the show, and
he was the sweetest, kindest, most open — we call him
“the philosopher” on the show. And it was… such a joy,
and it’s been for 20 years, and an education, for me.
-Yeah. -He’s taught me about
so many things, and… -Good for you.
-Yeah. Really. I mean, really.
-20 years. -We’re very fortunate,
you know, to be on a show that, you know,
everyone likes each other. Everyone gets along. 20 years is a long time,
and you know, it’s… a very cool
work environment. Mariska’s the best. -Do you feel that way —
’cause at first, did you think you were gonna
work on the show for 20 years? -I came on for 4 episodes.
-Wow. -Yeah. And then, they —
then, they kiss-kick you. They go,
“Well, we don’t know if you’re working out
with Belzer.” You know,
“We don’t know.” And then, they go,
“But we’d like you to stay.” And I’m like, “Well, you try
getting along with Belzer in four episodes.”
You know? [ Laughter ] And so, then,
they asked me to stay. And I’ve been there,
and I’m happy, and I’m not going nowhere
till she’s gone. -We’re sticking together.
-You’ve got to stick together. -We’re sticking together. -You work great —
you work well together. Why stop it?
-We do. It’s been so — It’s just been such a crazy
surprise journey and gift. -You’re one season away —
one year away — from being the longest
running drama in the history
of television. -Yeah.
-In history. [ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah.
-I mean, if… If you guys do that,
how cool will that be? -So cool. Yeah. -It’s cool. -Whoa.
[ Stammers ] Oh, it’s gonna be
that cool. [ Cheers and applause ] You’ve never had a bagel,
but you’ve been wearing a reverseable jacket
the whole time. That is cool, right there.
Come on. It’s gonna be great,
and I just… Thank you for all
the entertainment, and all the cool things.
We love you guys.

Hate, Humor, and Political Correctness in America | Josh Lieb


We’re America—we can say anything the fuck
we want and no one can stop us, and that’s great. In any political time the ability to poke
fun at the leader or supposed leader is invaluable. It’s not just a stress relief. I’m not one of those people who sees a whole
bunch of nobility in comedy, like it’s a great art and important thing we do, but it’s
nice. It’s funny. It’s a good thing, and it really is important
in democracy to be able to do that. I’m an absolutist on free speech. I think once we can’t make fun of our leaders… As long as we can make fun of our leaders
I’m okay. Once we can’t make fun of the leaders, then
I’m concerned about where we’re going. People sometimes confuse—I think legally
you should be able to say anything you want. But then again, if you’re seeing that someone
is booked on a tv show who you don’t agree with, you’re not violating anyone’s free
speech when you say, “I don’t want to be in a program with that person.” Or if your publishing house is publishing
a book by someone you don’t like, there’s no violation of free speech or you’re not
impinging on anyone when you say, “I don’t care to be associated with this person.” That’s fine. But I do think legally we need to be able
to say anything we want to say. I’m worried. I’m worried when I see people get in trouble
for slips of the tongue; I’m worried when I see interpretation being used to hurt people. But the list of words that you cannot say
seems to grow. It’s never going to get smaller, it’s never
going to be like, “Well actually you know what go ahead with that one, like, we’re cool
with that.” I think it’s fantastic when oppressed groups
like sort of reclaim words like when the queer community made queer like “their” word,
they said, “All right you can apply that label to us, fine, we’ll take pride and we’ll
slap it on ourselves.” And I think every group does that to a certain
extent, or has learned from that example. But once that little demon gets in your head
and says, “Can’t say that,” we’re screwed. I worry when there’s talk of limiting speech. And I worry—I sound like a grandmother—I
don’t like hate speech laws. I’m vehemently against them. I think they’re as anti-American and anti-democratic
and anything you can be. I don’t like the idea of criminalizing thought
no matter how hateful or stupid the thought is. It sounds like something from 1984. I don’t think we make the hate go away by
not saying it. Basically I’m Lenny Bruce in Harry Potter,
I will say Voldemort’s name. It doesn’t make Voldemort go away to not say
that fucking word. I always curse too much on these things. I’m sorry. The road to hell is paved with great intentions. I get it, but it’s a bad path for us and the
problem is things are so chaotic now, things are at such a high tenor. People are so filled with vitriol that it’s
very possible that just to get everyone to cool down this is when this kind of stuff
could get through, but that would not be American.

Maisie Williams Accidentally Drops a Major Spoiler in Game of Thrones’ Final Season


-Everyone’s probably asking you the same questions
about “Game of Thrones” and it’s the final season.
but I was gonna ask you, do you have a top five maybe iconic moments
of your character, of Arya’s moments on the show? -I do.
I mean, there are so many. But in terms of things
that have really defined her, I think number one would be
Ned’s beheading in season 1. That was what
spiraled her whole arc. -Yes. -And then she was with the Hound
for a long time. I think there was a line in
maybe season three where she was like, “One day,
I’m gonna stick a knife through your eye
and out the back of your skull.” That was, like,
a pretty defining moment when you realized how —
[ Laughter ] how messed up in the head
that she’d become. -Yeah.
-And in season five, I think she threw away
her original costume. And I was in that costume for
like four years or something. So, she threw that
into the water, and it was
a really emotional moment. I guess last season,
she reunited with Sansa again, so that was a pretty big moment. And then they both united
and killed Littlefinger, and that’s pretty —
-That’s like kind of — yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
That’s not bad. This is the final —
the final season. Everyone’s been waiting. Can you tell me anything? Are you allowed
to talk about anything? -I’ve decided to just keep
a tight lip on everything. HBO have sent out a lot of memos
recently about just say nothing. -Yeah.
-So there’s really nothing that I can say.
They would absolutely kill me. -You couldn’t give —
You couldn’t give one little spoiler,
one little hint of a a little —
a crumb is all I ask. [ Laughter ] Milady. Just a crumb
is all I’m asking for. [ Laughter ] -Um…I don’t know. Like, during shooting,
the final days were really, like, emotional, saying goodbye
to all of the cast. Because when I found out that
Arya died in the second episode, I was —
[ Audience gasps, laughs ] -What? Are you kidding me? That’s a spoiler. [ Laughter ] -Is this live?
-No. -We can edit that out.
-Are you serious? -Yeah. -Dude, yeah, totally. -They’re still
gonna tweet about it. -No. Don’t worry about it.
Are you serious? It’s fine.
-I’m really sorry. -No, don’t worry about it.
No, it’s fine. -Okay.
-We can edit it, right? Yeah.
We can edit it out. Don’t worry about it.
-Okay. -Yeah.
Don’t worry about it. No one’s gonna —
It’s fine. It’s cool.
Let’s just start — Can we do applause,
and I’ll just go from the applause
and go into it again? [ Cheers and applause ] Let’s talk about, uh… Let’s talk about the final — Let’s talk about
the final season. -I’m… -Um… Is she okay? Is she okay? We’ll just go… -April Fools! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -You were so good!
Oh, my gosh! We got you guys so bad! Maisie Williams, everybody!

Killer Mike Educates Stephen Colbert


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
GUEST IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST NAMES IN HIP-HOP, A CIVIC
LEADER, AND AN ACTIVIST. PLEASE WELCOME KILLER MIKE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
KILLER MIKE THANKS FOR BEING HERE.>>THANK YOU. MY WIFE PUT ME ON A DIET, I LOST
FOUR POUNDS AND NOW I CAN’T KEEP MY PANTS UP.>>Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
WEARING YOUR FORMAL SWEATS FOR US TONIGHT.>>ACTUALLY, THESE ARE FORMAL. THIS IS MY P.T.A. MEETING
OUTFIT.>>Stephen: OH, REALLY, WHEN
YOU HAVE TO GO TALK?>>EXACTLY, WHEN I HAVE TO GO
TALK AROUND OTHER PARENTS AND YOU DON’T WANT TO DRESS LIKE,
YOU KNOW, A RAPPER. YOU PUT ON A SWEAT SUIT THAT HAS
A CARDIGAN SWEATER.>>Stephen: WHEN YOU GO MEET
YOUR KIDS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, DO THE TEACHERS GO, “NOW, KILLER
MIKE, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.”>>THEY SAY THAT AFTER WE
DISCUSS WHY MY CHILD IS FIGHTING. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: COULD IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR NAME,
KILLER MIKE?>>IT’S THE GIRLS THAT ARE
FIGHTING. THE BOYS ARE PRETTY GOOD.>>Stephen: GIRLS CAN FIGHT. IT’S A WHOLE NEW WORLD.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: WHY KILLER MIKE?>>I DIDN’T NAME MYSELF. I WANT TO SAY IT WASN’T LIKE
SOME KID WAS STANDING IN THE MIRROR AND DECIDE HE LOOK LIKE
AID KILLER. I WOULD HAVE LIKE BIKE BOUGATI
MIKE, OR FERRARI MIKE. I RAPID AS A KID AND RAPPED
REALLY WELL AND SEVEN OR EIGHT OTHER GUYS AND STOOD ON A DESK
AND SAID, “THAT KID’S A KILLER.” AND AFTER THAT NOBODY EVER
CALLED ME SKUNK AGAIN IN MY LIFE, JUST KILLER.>>Stephen: KILLER, THAT’S
AWESOME. YOUR ORIGINAL NAME IS MICHAEL
RENDER.>>MICHAEL RENDER IS MY NAME.>>Stephen: THAT’S A GOOD
NAME, TOO, MIKE RENDER. LIKE YOU’RE TEARING THE MIKE
APART.>>AND MY DAUGHTER’S NAME IS
MICHAEL RENDER.>>Stephen: YOUR DAUGHTER’S
NAME IS MICHAEL? THAT’S A PRETTY NAME FOR A GIRL.>>I THINK SO. SHE’S GOT TO STOP FIGHTING.>>Stephen: WE ALL HAVE TO
STOP FIGHTING. WE ALL HAVE TO STOP FIGHTING.>>YES.>>Stephen: AS I SAID YOU’RE A
CIVIC LEADER. YOU’RE SOCIALLY ACTIVE.>>I AM.>>Stephen: HIP-HOP ARTIST.>>I OWN BARBER SHOPS.>>Stephen: YOU DO OWN BARBER
SHOPS.>>I’M PART OF A VERY GOOD RAP
GROUP CALLED RUN THE JEWELS. WE’RE WORKING ON PART THREE
RIGHT NOW.>>Stephen: IT WAS JUST
ANNOUNCED YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO BE INCLUDED IN COACHELLA THIS
YEAR, RIGHT?>>BACK TO BACK.>>Stephen: THAT’S FANTASTIC.>>WE ARE BACK.>>Stephen: THIS YEAR, IF I
CAN SPEAK FOR ALL WHITE PEOPLE, ( LAUGHTER )
–>>I PREFER YOU SPEAKING FOR ALL
WHITE PEOPLE.>>Stephen: ANOTHER YOU SPEAK
FOR ALL BLACK PEOPLE, OKAY?>>TODAY I DO.>>Stephen: OKAY. THIS YEAR, TRAGICALLY, A LOT OF
PEOPLE IN THE WHITE COMMUNITY HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE LIFE OF
AFRICAN AMERICANS IN FERGUSON, BALTIMORE, NORTH CHARLESTON,
OTHER PLACES AROUND THE UNITED STATES. DO YOU THINK THE AWARENESS THAT
HAS RISEN THROUGH THESE GARAGE TRAJ DEES HAS CHANGED ANYTHING,
AT LEAST THROUGH DIALOGUE.>>WHITE PEOPLE WATCHING, GOOGLE
JANE ELLIOT, SHE HAS AN EXPERIMENT, THE BLUE AND
BROWNIDE EXPERIMENT. I ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO WATCH
THAT, IT WILL ACTUALLY GROW YOU. YOU NO, BACK TO STUFF THAT WILL
MAKE YOU LAUGH. IF WHITE PEOPLE ARE NOW JUST
DISCOVERING THAT IT’S BAD FOR BLACK OR WORKING CLASS PEOPLE IN
AMERICA, THEY’RE A LOT MORE BLIND THAN I THOUGHT AND THEY’RE
A LOT MORE CHOOSING TO BE IGNORANT THAN I THOUGHT. THE SAME PROBLEMS WE’RE
DISCUSSING TODAY WE DISCUSSED IN 1990, 1980, 1970, AND 1960. AND UNTIL WE CALL A SPADE A
SPADE AND THIS PROBLEM IS COMING FROM CONDITIONS WE’RE CREATING
OR ALLOWING TO HAPPEN AS A WHITE GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO HOLD A
CERTAIN AMOUNT OF POWER –>>DO YOU THINK THERE’S A
SYSTEMIC ATTEMPT IN THE UNITED STATES TO ISOLATE POOR AND
MINORITIES, TO PUT THEM IN COMMUNITIES THAT CAN BE
CONTROLLED?>>IT’S NOT AN ATTEMPT AT ALL. IT’S SUCCESSFUL. IF YOU LOOK AT DALY AND THE
HIGHWAYS IN, WHICH HE BUILT THE HIGHWAYS TO SEG GAILT PEOPLE. THERE’S NO ROUND-ABOUT WAY TO DO
IT. ABSOLUTELY.>>Stephen: AGAIN, SPEAKING
FOR ALL WHITE PEOPLE WHAT, CAN WE– WHAT CAN WE DO TO BRIDGE
THE GAP BETWEEN THE COMMUNITIES OF COLOR? SHOULD YOU– YOU OWN BARBER
SHOPS. SHOULD WHITE PEOPLE START
GETTING THEIR HAIR CUT AT BLACK BARBER SHOPS?>>I HOPE SO.>>Stephen: BECAUSE THERE ARE
CONVERSATIONS GOING ON AT THOSE BARBER SHOPS THAT WE’RE NOT PART
OF.>>AND WHITE PEOPLE PAY $50 FOR
HAIR CUTS, SO, ABSOLUTELY. I WOULD LIKE THAT. I WOULD LIKE THAT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I SPEAK AT COLLEGES OFTEN, AND WHEN I SPEAK AT BLACK COLLEGES,
AND I SPEAK AT WHITE COLLEGES, A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT MESSAGE. THE MESSAGE THEY PREACH TO WHITE
KIDS THAT ARE IN TALLAHASSEE, ATLANTA, GEORGIA TECH, PLACES
LIKE NEW YORK, IS GET OUTSIDE THE COLLEGE ENVIRONMENT, FIND A
CHILD WHO IS MARGINAL OR DOING EXCEPTIONAL IN SCHOOL WHO IS A
MINORITY, DOESN’T LOOK LIKE YOU, NOT OF THE SAME RELIGION, NOT OF
THE SAME BACKGROUND, HELP THAT CHILD MATRICULATE INTO COLLEGE. HELP THEM BY BEING A BIG
BROTHER, BIG SMENTORING THEM. DON’T GIVE THEM GIFTS AND MAKE
YOURSELF FEEL GOOD, HEY I BOUGHT TEACHERS. WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO GET OUT OF
THAT EXPERIENCE IS ANOTHER HUMAN BEING TAKING FULL ADVANTAGE OF
AN EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM THAT CAN HELP THEM IN THEIR COMMUNITY. BUT IT GROWS YOU AS A HUMAN
BEING TO HAVE EMPATHY FOR SOMEONE WHO DIDN’T LOOK LIKE YOU
AND IS CULTURALLY NOT FROM YOUR BACKGROUND.>>Stephen: SPEAKING OF CUMENT
RALLY, SPEAKING OF CULTURALLY– WE’VE ONLY GOT A MINUTE HERE. SPEAKING OF PEOPLE NOT
CULTURALLY FROM YOUR BACKGROUND, YOU’RE FEELING THE BERN. YOU LIKE BERNIE SANDERS.>>I DO.>>Stephen: OKAY, AS QUICKLY
AS YOU CAN, TELL ME WHY YOU BELIEVE BERNIE IS THE MAN.>>DR. KING IN HILLS LAST TWO
YEARS OF LIFE TALKED ABOUT A POOR PEOPLE’S CAMPAIGN,
ORGANIZING UNIONS ON BEHALF OF POOR WORKERS, ORGANIZING AGAINST
THE WAR MACHINE THAT WAS PERPETUATING VIOLENCE IN
VIETNAM. BERPY SANDERS IS THE ONLY
POLITICIAN WHO HAS CONSISTENTLY FOR 50 YEARS TAKEN THE SOCIAL
JUSTICE PLATFORM INTO POLITICS. AND RIGHT NOW WE HAVE AN
OPPORTUNITY TO ELECT SOMEONE WHO IS DIRECTLY OUT OF THE
PHILOSOPHY OF KINGIAN NONVIOLENCE. WE CAN DIRECTLY ELECT SOMEONE
WHO CARES ABOUT POOR PEOPLE, CARES ABOUT WOMEN, GAY, BLACK
RIGHTS. CARES ABOUT LIVES THAT DON’T
LOOK LIKE HIS HELP AND THIS OPPORTUNITY IN HISTORY IS NOT
GOING TO COME IN ANOTHER 20 YEARS, NOT GOING TO COME IN
ANOTHER TWO YEARS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IF WE DO NOT TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY RIGHT NOW, WE’RE
GOING TO BE SITTING AROUND A CAMPFIRE MAD BECAUSE THEY’VE
NIEWKD THE WORLD TO HELL, I’M AFRAID, YOU KNOW.>>Stephen: I HOPE THAT
DOESN’T HAPPEN AND I HOPE YOU COME BACK. KILLER MIKE. STAY RIGHT THERE. KILLER MIKE, EVERYBODY. RUN THE JEWELS. AMONG OTHER THINGS. BARBER SHOPS. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Jimmy Recaps Night Two of Second Democratic Debate


-You guys,
earlier tonight on NBC, we had the first
NFL preseason game between the Broncos
and the Falcons. So if you enjoy watching people
hit each other, you probably loved
last night’s debate. That’s right.
Everyone went after Joe Biden at the Democratic debate,
and he knew it was coming. Did you see what he said to
Kamala Harris before it started? Watch this. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi, Joe. -Go easy on me, kid. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] That might be a sign
you’re too old to be President when you call a 54-year-old
a kid. He’s like, “Yeah.” A lot of people were talking
about Biden’s age ’cause there was also
an awkward moment when he confused
his campaign website with a text message. Listen to this. -If you agree with me,
go to Joe 3-0-3-3-0 and help me in this fight. [ Laughter ] -He… Bernie Sanders was watching
at home going, “Bingo. I got 0-33. 0-33! Bingo! I got bingo!” He doesn’t know what he’s doing. [ Applause ] Last night wasn’t the first time Biden’s had trouble
with giving out this number. Here he is at a rally
back in May. -Send a text
to the words “united” to the number 3-0-3-3-0 —
3-0-3-3-0. Or 3-0-3-3-3-0. Or “B-O-O.”
Anyway, you got it. [ Laughter ] -On the next debate, he’ll be
telling people to text C-3PO. It’s like, just stop talking. But back to last night, while
all his opponents attacked him, Biden tried to fight back. He went after Cory Booker’s
time as mayor, but that sort of backfired. Check out what Booker said. -Mr. Vice President, there’s
a saying in my community — “You’re dipping into
the Kool-Aid, and you don’t even
know the flavor.” [ Audience “Ooh”s ] -Everyone saw that and went,
“Oh, no.” And Biden was like… [ Laughter ] Appreciate that.
Thank you, Roots. Oh, no! It’s a Kool-Aid joke. [ Laughter ] -‘Cause you would say
“oh, yeah,” right? He said, “Oh, no,” right? -Oh, I don’t know.
I’ve never seen the commercial. -Oh, really? -Well, even though
he’s been struggling, Biden is still the front-runner
by almost 20 points. I guess Democrats want to
fight fire with fire. They’re like, “The only way
to stop a guy in his 70s
who can’t speak is with a guy in his 70s
who can’t speak.” Hey, guys, listen to this. A recent study found
that today’s students think they learn more
from YouTube than they do from textbooks. Sounds odd, but you can
actually learn a lot from the same lessons you’d find
in a text book on YouTube. I’ll show you what I mean. For instance,
if you’re studying sociology, a textbook will tell you that
making a gender-reveal video is a fun activity
for new parents. But YouTube
will just show you this. -Three, two, one! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] -Next, if you’re studying
mixology, a textbook will tell you champagne is a sparkling wine
for sophisticated celebrations. But YouTube will just
show you this. -[ Speaking
in foreign language ] -Oh! [ Glass shatters ] -And finally, if you’re studying
architecture, a textbook will tell you that the shape of each structure
can hold a powerful message. But YouTube will just
show you this. -This makes a perfect circle. -Oh, that’s small.
-Oh, wow. -Wow! Look at that. -Where do you get
all this stuff? -These you can buy,
and those ones I make. -Huh. How cool is that? -Tools in your hand or…?
-What did I just make there? -Hold on. Oh, my gosh. [ Cheers and applause ] -Wow! That was like a gender-reveal
party right there. -And finally,
this is interesting. A new study found that the moon
is actually 100 million years older
than we thought. You could tell
the moon is a lot older ’cause it ended the night
by telling supporters to visit its website,
moon 3-0-3-3-0.

Wheel of Impressions with Nick Kroll


-All right, here’s how it works. I’m going to press
this button here, which activates
the impression generator. It will land
on one random celebrity who we can do an impression of
and one random topic. And so whoever’s turn it is,
they have to do an impression of that celebrity
talking about that topic. Since you’re my guest,
my first guest, you go first. -Thank you.
-You’re welcome. Press the button,
and the game begins. ♪♪ Ooh, Jason Statham.
-Jason. [ Laughter ] -Talking about troll dolls.
-Okay. -I didn’t know
you did a Jason Statham. -I don’t know if I do.
Okay. -All right.
-Okay. -Jason talking about
troll dolls. -All right.
[ Clears throat ] [ British accent ]
“Here’s the ‘troof.'” [ Laughter ] “Nothing quite pisses me off
like those little troll dolls.” [ Laughter ] “I just rip off
their [bleep] heads.” [ Laughter ] “I can say [bleep]
because I’m from the U.K.” [ Laughter ] “You can say that.
That’s right, in the U.K., where I was
a competitive-level diver.” [ Laughter ] “It’s true. I was a competitive diver.
Google it. Or as we say in the U.K.,
Ask Jeeves.” [ Laughter ] “Anyway…”
-Oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ]
-“Anyway, back to the dolls. I still look better
than them naked, see?” -Oh, my God.
That’s insane. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my goodness!
That is phenomenal! -Thank you.
-That was phenomenal. All right, here we go.
This is my turn. Ask Jeeves…
-Ask Jeeves. All right.
-Regis. [ Laughter ] Regis Philbin talking about
“Hot Girl Summer.” Okay.
All right. “All right. Let me —
Let me tell you something. [ Laughter ] I am missing
“Hot Girl Summer” already. It is fall. I’m counting down the days when
I can sip rosé with my squad… [ Laughter ] …and play our favorite bops.
Like Lizzo.” -Yeah, sure.
-“For example, I just took a DNA test.”
-Oh, yeah? -“And it turns out
I’m 100% that bitch!” [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ “100%!”
-100%. -All right, Nick.
You’re up. -Okay, I’m gonna press
this real button. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Okay.
-Oh, Pitbull. -Pitbull. -It is real, yes.
Pitbull. -Pitbull, flu shots. -Talking about flu shots.
-Okay. -Yeah, I don’t know
if I know how Pitbull talks. -Okay — okay. “Aha!”
[ Laughter ] “Miami Beach, Mr. 305,
coming at you to say you got to get
your flu shots, man!” [ Laughter ] Germs are going worldwide,
baby.” [ Laughter and applause ] -Oh, my God. -“It won’t hurt at all.
It just stings for a second.” That’s one, two, three, four.” Uno, dos, tres, cuatro! ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. Phenomenal! All right,
we have time for one more, and it is my turn.
Here we go. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Okay.
Seinfeld, sure. Surprise party. Jerry Seinfeld
talking about surprise parties. -Okay.
-“Okay, okay. What’s with all the secrecy?”
[ Laughter ] “I come to an empty apartment, which is exactly
what I wanted for my birthday. But I turn the lights on,
and all of sudden, “Surprise!” The only surprise is, you have to make small talk
for four hours now.” [ Laughter ] -“Oh, get it together, Jerry!” [ Laughter and applause ] -“George! George, what are you doing here,
George?” -“That’s right. I put this
party together, Jerry. I put it together.
I schemed it together.” -“You shouldn’t scheme.
No one should scheme.” -“Oh, I schemed, Jerry!”
[ Laughter ] “George is getting upset!” ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -That’s a good George.
-It’s a little bit — It’s a little… -You helped me
with my impression! That’s all the time we have
for “Wheel of Impressions.”

Jimmy Tries Out Republican Excuse Generator


-You guys, I want to
say congrats to the
New York Yankees, who are moving on
to the American League
Championship Series. [ Cheers and applause ] And congrats to the Mets, who are moving on to binge-watch
season 8 of “Friends.” That’s fantastic. Yeah, you could tell the Yankees
were feeling good when they popped champagne,
lit cigars, and it was only
the second inning. That’s when I knew
something was up. Let’s get to some news. Today, the White House
stopped an important ambassador from testifying. Yep, Trump told his staff
to do whatever it takes to stop anyone
from saying anything that could endanger
his presidency. And his staff was like, “Okay,”
and duct taped his mouth shut. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] “Can’t stop my Twitter hands.” “Get his hands, too!
Get his thumbs! Tape his thumbs.
He has Twitter thumbs.” “Tweet!”
That’s right. The White House blocked our
E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland from testifying
about the Ukraine scandal. Because nothing says we’ve got
nothing to hide like saying, “We got to hide Gordon.” Can we see what Gordon Sondland
looks like? Yeah. Looks like an accountant
for the Addams family. [ Laughter ] He looks like a guy
who rents a Ferrari
for his high school reunion. You know that guy? He looks like a lawyer
who claims he only collects
money ifyouget paid. You know? [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] “And I only take money
if you get paid.” Weak figure. Apparently, the Ambassador has a bunch of text messages
about Ukraine, but the State Department
won’t give them to Congress. When she heard that,
Hillary Clinton was like, “Russia, if you’re listen,
I hope you’re able to find the texts
on the Ambassador’s phone.” Oh, and get this — I heard
that when the whistle-blower testifies before Congress, they might disguise
his appearance and his voice, which means there’s
a good chance the President is about to be brought down
by guy dressed as a Minion. [ Laughter ] “Banana!” And I read that, since the
impeachment inquiry began, White House officials
have been dodging interviews about the Ukraine scandal. Apparently, they even got
their own excuse generator to come up with reasons
why they can’t talk. I’ll show you how it works. For example, when they asked
Attorney General William Barr for an interview,
he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”I would, but I’m working
as a John Goodman impersonator.” -Oh. Well… [ Applause ] -Next, when they asked
Senator Rand Paul, he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”I can’t move the appointment
for my perm.” -Makes sense. -You got to keep it tight.
-Yeah. -Got to keep it tight!
Tight! Tight!
-Tight! -Next, when they asked
Housing Secretary Ben Carson, he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”I’m busy practicing for
‘Dancing with the Stars.'” -Oh, well, yeah.
-That’s going to be good. -Valid excuse. -And, finally,
when they asked Rudy Giuliani — Look at that picture.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God! -When they asked Rudy Giuliani
for an interview, he said… [ Electronic beeping ] …”Sorry, I’m having
a colonoscopy as we speak.” Wow! -“As we speak.” -Wow. -Something’s up. -Now, today, Trump had lunch
with Vice President Mike Pence. You can tell Trump’s
paranoid about leaks because, before the meeting,
he frisked Pence to see if he was wearing a wire. He’s like “Wow, you’re like
a Ken doll everywhere.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] “Mother? Mother, get in here.” Did you guys see this? China is refusing
to broadcast NBA games after the Houston Rockets’ GM
spoke out in support
of Hong Kong’s protesters. It’s a bad situation
’cause the NBA needs China to grow their fan base
and to make their shoes. -Yeah. [ Audience groans ] -It’s true, it’s true. It’s true.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-Let’s face facts. -Hey, listen to this. To save taxpayer money,
the king of Sweden just took away royal status
from five of his grandkids. For us, it’s a news story. For Eric and Don Jr.,
it’s a preview. Get this — a British man
became the first person to fly around the world
in a gyrocopter. Yep. When asked to comment
on his flight in a gyrocopter, he said, “Actually,
it’s pronounced yeero-copter. [ Laughter ] Probably… -Didn’t know that. -Probably didn’t know that.
A little over your head. So, no big deal. -Needs to spin. -It’s just, my family they’ve
always flown in yeero-copters. That’s what you call it. So…no big deal. -Yeah. -And finally, a French town
made a world record setting fruit salad that weighed
almost 23,000 pounds. When they heard about wasting
23,000 pounds of fruit, Edible Arrangements was like,
“Stay in your lane, girl.” We have a great show.

Jimmy and The Roots’ Tariq Trotter Rap a Recap of the Democratic Debate


-Tonight was the second
Democratic debate, or, as nine candidates
called it, “Operation Destroy Joe Biden.” Everybody went after Biden,
but he said, with 10 people onstage,
it was less of a debate and more of like
a lightning round Or, in Bernie Sanders’ case,
a struck-by-lightning round. Hey, you got to respect
a guy who combs his hair with a balloon. You know what I’m saying? Then he floats away like
the old man from “Up.” It’s amazing. But it was a big night,
and, in the end, a lot of people thought Kamala Harris
won the be debate. She had what was probably —
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. She had what was probably
the line of the night. At one point, all the candidates
were talking over each other, and that’s when she stepped in
and dropped the hammer. Watch this. -Part of the issue of —
Hey, guys, you know what? America does not want to
witness a food fight. They want to
know how we’re going to put food on their table. -Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ] She was so good,
Trump endorsed Biden so that he wouldn’t
have to face her. It’s like, “Yeah, he’s great.” Tonight, we got to see Bernie
and Biden onstage together. Yeah, here they are right there.
Yeah. It looks like they’re debating
Viagra versus Cialis. Look, I’m not saying those two
are old, but their podiums were the only ones with tennis
balls the bottom. But get this — there was
a 40-year age difference between tonight’s candidates,
ranging from 37 to 77. With Pete Buttigieg next to
Biden, it looked like Take Your Kid to Work Day. Speaking of Buttigieg,
he said Democrats need to move the party forward
and claimed his opponents want to return to the 1990s. Hey, Pete, the top movies
right now are “Toy Story,” “Men in Black,”
and “Aladdin.” We’re already back in the ’90s. Sorry to say.
[ Cheers and applause ] Well, in addition to
the front-runners, we also got to know
some of the underdogs, and, early on, a lot of people
noticed that one of them, Andrew Yang,
wasn’t wearing a tie. Take a look at this. Yeah. When he realized you
can go casual, Biden tried to take off
his pants, and you go, “No, hey,
you can’t do that.” Finally, you guys,
so much happened during the two nights of the debate,
it’s hard to cover it all. so I was thinking we
could ask Tariq for a debate rap recap. I mean…
[ Cheers and applause ] I know the second debate just
ended 30 minutes ago, but, Tariq,
what do you think, bud? -I think we could pull that off.
-All right. Let’s do this. Roots, hit it.
♪♪ ♪ They were, unh ♪
♪ They were, unh ♪ ♪ They were short on time ♪ ♪ 60 to respond
before they pass the baton ♪ ♪ Before the record flies by
in a blink ♪ ♪ But in Miami,
all the views were stunning ♪ ♪ Everyone you know was there, ’cause everyone you know
was running ♪ ♪ The first night, Liz Warren
came out feelin’ big ♪ ♪ Dunkin’ on those candidates
like Zion in a wig ♪ ♪ Cory Booker threw Shaft
side-eye ♪ ♪ I thought she spoke faster ♪ ♪ With people on the stage like
a Netflix password ♪ ♪ Chuck Todd was focused ♪ ♪ He avoided a snafu ♪ ♪ Till it sounded like a
microphone turned on in the bathroom ♪ ♪ Tonight, the moderators
pretty much were irrelevant ♪ ♪ ‘Cause they were
getting trampled like the Dems were elephants ♪ ♪ Kamala spoke about Trump ♪ ♪ She asked if he pays enough ♪ ♪ And smoked him out like she
was in her blazer, later blazin’ up ♪ ♪ Bernie Sanders said he’s
pollin’ better Donald is ♪ ♪ Then he yelled about it as if
he was at the audiologist ♪ ♪ Yang kept it cool ♪ ♪ Mayor Pete kept it brainy ♪ ♪ Joe’s night was mainly rainy ♪ ♪ Hey, what’s up with
John Delaney? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Elizabeth Warren
came ready for war ♪ ♪ And the Beto O’Rourke camp is,
“Sí, señor” ♪ ♪ And foreign policy was
on their minds ♪ ♪ All the time ♪ ♪ Are we in a case
of blind leading blind? ♪ ♪ Who will keep the people tight
and safe at night? ♪ ♪ Maybe Biden’s teeth will be
the guiding light ♪ ♪ Food fights, zinger ♪ ♪ Rachel put ’em through
the ringer ♪ ♪ Humdinger ♪ ♪ Should they take another swing
or call it quits? ♪ ♪ I can do this all day
and might slip ♪ ♪ Might lose a grip ♪ ♪ Might make
a blooper disappear quick like I’m Hickenlooper with the
with the super-bang ♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪

Third Democratic Primary Debate Set for Three Hours


-You guys,
coming into work today, I saw a bunch of paparazzi
outside, and I thought, “Well, you’ve still got it,
Jimmy.” And then I remembered my guest
tonight is Kim Kardashian West. So I go, “Okay, well…”
[ Cheers and applause ] I actually
ran into Kim backstage and asked if she would post a
picture of us on her Instagram. And she was like, “No problem.
That’ll be $2 million.” [ Laughter ] Let’s get to some news here. Tomorrow night is the third
Democratic debate on ABC. So, it’ll be “Jeopardy!”
and “Wheel of Fortune,” followed by a debate
full of people who watch “Jeopardy!”
and “Wheel of Fortune.” [ Laughter ] And tomorrow’s debate on ABC is scheduled
to be three hours long. [ Cheers ] Americans are like,
“Um, the only thing we’ll watch for three hours on ABC
is ‘The Bachelor’, okay?” [ Cheers and applause ] “We’ll watch four hours
of that one.” Right now, the candidates are
making their way to the debate, and I saw that Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg
were on the same flight. Look at this photo. Yeah.
[ Laughter ] It got weird when Bill de Blasio
walked by, like, “Peanuts? Headphones?”
[ Laughter ] Should be an interesting night,
though. The debate will actually feature
the top 10 Democrats, but there’s still
so many candidates, it could be hard to keep track.
-Uh, not really. It’s Biden, Booker, Buttigieg,
Castro, Harris, Klobuchar, O’Rourke, Sanders, Warren,
and Yang. -Wow. [ Cheers and applause ] Not everyone has the list
memorized like you, Tariq, so… -[ Laughing ] It’s not a matter
of memorizing, Jimmy. It’s a matter
of staying informed. It’s Biden, Booker, Buttigieg,
Castro, Harris, Klobuchar, O’Rourke, Sanders, Warren,
and Yang. [ Cheers ]
-Good one, guys. You both memorized the list
to make me look bad, but your average person
doesn’t know the whole list. And watch this. Miss, in the audience, can you name everyone
running for president? -Me?
-Yes, you. -Oh, God. I mean, uh, Biden and
Bernie and Elizabeth Warren? -[ Laughs ] See?
Told you guys. It’s not that easy.
-Well, there’s also Booker, Buttigieg, Castro, Harris,
Klobuchar, O’Rourke, and Yang. And de Blasio, Bullock, Bennet,
Gabbard, Messam, and Ryan are still running as well as Williamson, Steyer,
Sestak, Delaney, and three Republicans
named Walsh, Sanford, and Weld. [ Cheers and applause ] -Impressive. That’s impressive. But you’re obviously
an audience plant. -Oh, I-I’m not a plant.
-Well — -But he is. [ Laughter ] -Hey, Jimmy.
Yeah, the candidates are Biden, Booker, Buttigieg, Castro,
Harris, Klobuchar, O’Rourke… – All right, all right.
That’s enough! Let’s just move on!
Let’s move on. The plant knows everything.
Stop. Move on. [ Applause ] ‘Course, the other big story
is President Trump firing National Security Adviser
John Bolton. Some are saying that part of
the reason Trump fired Bolton is because
he never liked his mustache. [ Laughter ] I guess whatever animal
is on Bolton’s lip didn’t get along with whatever
animal is on Trump’s head. [ Laughter ]
[ Growling ] Actually, today, John Bolton’s
resignation letter was posted online.
Look at this. Yeah. I might be with Trump
on this one. Anyone who
folds a letter lengthwise should’ve been fired
a long time ago. Who does that? Speaking of Trump,
yesterday he gave a speech, but I saw that he had a little
trouble with the word “deserve.” Take a look at this. -You have never stopped working
to improve this country and you “deser” a government… [ Laughter ] -That didn’t sound
anything like “deserve.” -Yeah. -Maybe it would it help
if we slowed it down. Dave, could we slow it down
and see what that sounds like? -Improve this country
and you “deser” a government… [ Laughter ] -See, that made it worse. Maybe if we slowed it down
even more. -[ Slowly ]
“Deser” a government… -No, I can’t —
I can’t hear it. Oh, I have an idea. What if we played the clip
in reverse? -[ Audio in reverse ]
…deserve… -He said it!
Hey, he said it! He said it in reverse!
[ Cheers and applause ]